I need some new poker one-liners
January 14, 2010 8:36 AM   Subscribe

PokerFilter: I need some witty and/or lame one-liners to throw down throughout the course of a poker game. Examples within!

I play in a weekly poker game with seven of my friends, and I love throwing out witty, often surreal, one-liners regarding the state of the game. For instance:

- If I'm dealt a bad hand: "I haven't seen cards this shitty since I went dumpster diving at the Hallmark factory!"

- If I'm having a bad game: "I'm giving away chips like a waitress at [[insert Mexican restaurant]]!"

- If the flop is all red cards: "I haven't seen this much red on the table since I took that Summer job as a janitor at the women's clinic!"

- If I hit a flush: "You guys better jump out of the shower, because I've gotta flush!" (this one is from "Friends", sadly)

So, with that, I thought I'd query the hive mind to come up with a few more. No lines barred! Give me your tired, your lame, your crude, your off-color, your surreal poker one-liners. Thanks!
posted by bjork24 to Sports, Hobbies, & Recreation (14 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
"I've got a suited pair, watch out!"
posted by unixrat at 8:38 AM on January 14, 2010

"My hand is so good, I haven't had intercourse with a woman in years!"
posted by nitsuj at 8:38 AM on January 14, 2010 [3 favorites]

Check these out
posted by Perplexity at 8:45 AM on January 14, 2010

I like to say at the end of a big hand that I lose: "I was *so* winning that hand until you showed me your cards!"
posted by yeti at 8:50 AM on January 14, 2010

Look out, it's the Jackson Five!
posted by slimepuppy at 8:51 AM on January 14, 2010

If you have a full-house: "Meet the Tanners." And as you place each card down, "Uncle Jesse, Joey, Michelle, DJ, and Danny."

If you have a shitty hand: "I apparently didn't use enough toilet paper because I have a really shitty hand."
posted by arm426 at 8:52 AM on January 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

When you get on a hot run, you say:

"I'm on fire! No, really. My pants are burning. Send help."
posted by nitsuj at 8:56 AM on January 14, 2010

You can call me Aaron Burr from the way I'm dropping Hamiltons. (from SNL)

My folding technique is unstoppable.
posted by ctmf at 10:02 AM on January 14, 2010

When you fold say, "If I fold 500 more I'll get my wish!"

...That's for the lame pile...
posted by cmoj at 10:49 AM on January 14, 2010

If you are a talking heads fan you could make a comment about "take me to the river" on the last flop in texas hold'em...
posted by schyler523 at 11:49 AM on January 14, 2010

Some of these are very dumb and some are not very P.C., but you asked for it:

Pair of Twos: Barely Legal
Pair of Fives: Sammy (I can't drive 5-5)
Pair of Sevens: Mullet or Hockey Sticks
Pair of Eights: Fat Ladies
Six and a Nine: Big Lick
Pair of Nines: Gretzky
Ten and a Five: Nickels and Dimes
Ten and a Six: Sweet Sixteen
Pair of Queens: Siegfried and Roy

Here are some more.
posted by surfgator at 12:26 PM on January 14, 2010

when someone makes some sort of technical mistake/blunder say "You'd get shot in Vegas for that shit"
-- then riff-away... i.e. when someone tells a bad joke or says something off-color say "You'd get shot in Vegas for saying that shit"
posted by mrmarley at 12:33 PM on January 14, 2010

"What's better? A pair of red aces or a pair of black aces?" (30 Rock)
posted by caek at 8:50 PM on January 14, 2010

You could do an inane verse / chorus of Lady GaGa's Pokerface EVERY deal. Loud and irritating. That would get old pretty fast.
posted by Hugobaron at 3:19 AM on January 15, 2010

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