How to get my boyfriend to initiate sex?
December 30, 2009 5:42 PM Subscribe
Why won't my boyfriend initiate sex? He is willing enough once things get started, but he never starts them.
posted by catatethebird to Human Relations (38 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
My boyfriend never initiates sex. We have been together five months, and in the beginning our relationship was very sexually passionate and we had sex every day, often more than once. After a couple months things began to wind down a bit and sex became less frequent. I know that's normal once you get past the honeymoon period, but I began to notice he never initiated sex anymore and it really started to bother me.
We have sex about every other day, which is fine with me, but the fact that I always initiate it makes me feel like he doesn't really desire me, and that I am the only one who looks forward to us having sex, or who gets turned on thinking about him. He still seems to enjoy sex with me, and is usually responsive once I begin things, although sometimes I feel like he isn't that interested and is trying to get things over with as quickly as possible.
I have tried talking to him about it several times, but he gets very defensive and I don't know how to express myself without it turning into a big argument. He has a lot of pressure on him and he tends to take responsibility for other people's happiness, so when I try to talk to him about things that are bothering me he takes it as a personal criticism, and that what I mean is that he isn't doing enough.
I try using "I" statements instead of "you" statements, and not placing blame, but he still seems to interpret it as me saying he is doing something wrong, when I am coming from the assumption that it is something that he wasn't really aware was bothering me, and knowing that it was we could work on it.
I don't think he can understand how I feel about this. It really upsets me to feel like our sex life is one-sided and that I want him more than he wants me. The one time I did manage to talk to him about it a little he basically said that the fact that he has sex with me should be enough to show that he desires me and finds me attractive. That's not enough for me when I don't get any other indication that that is true except when we are actually having sex; he isn't ever really flirty or suggestive and never gives any indication that he is thinking of me sexually. He said he would try to initiate sex more, but since then (several months ago) there has been exactly one time that he did.
A few other details: he is 21 and I am 25. There are no physical reasons why he shouldn't want sex, the actual sex is great once it gets started, it seems like he just doesn't think about it. I have tried giving him prompts, being flirty and indicating that I am looking forward to getting into bed with him, but once we are there he still never makes a move until until I literally take things into my own hands. Also, he is not cheating on me and he isn't gay.
So finally, my specific questions are: How can I get him to initiate sex more? Any ideas on reasons why he doesn't?
And how can I talk to him about this without him getting defensive, and make him understand why it is important to me?