What else can I do to let go of thoughts of an ex?
December 25, 2009 3:05 PM Subscribe
What else can I do to let go of thoughts of an ex?
Earlier this year, I met the first girl I really loved. It was a brief but very intense relationship; just a few months. At first, it was incredible. But it progressed way too fast, and there were minor incidents that caused increasing distance between us. I think a lot of it was just the life she led, which was so much more expansive than mine. I envied it, in a way, but it also intimidated me. I shied away more than I'm proud of when she tried to open me up, and while being with her took me leaps and bounds from where I was before, it was slower than it should have been. I should have embraced her friends, instead I was awkward around them. I should have been more involved in her life; should have known what she was up to, what classes she was taking, how they were going. Instead, I felt confused and scared by the rest of her life when she wasn't with me. Needless to say, she eventually broke it off. I took it really hard and we exchanged occasional emails back and forth which ranged from me trying to win her back to trying to maintain a friendship. In the end though, I let go. I've tried to move on and not think about her as much as possible.
Unfortunately, this hasn't proven easy. In a lot of ways, my life has improved since the breakup. I got a better job, moved into a new apartment in a great area, I'm finally able to get into school next month... But, she left a pretty large footprint in my life. Being in a new city where I haven't really gotten to know anyone aside from her, there hasn't been much to fill the void. I'm constantly reminded of her. Half the music I listen to, either came from her or is something she'd like. She showed me how to handle living in an apartment, so now everything about mine seems to recall her place. She rekindled my love of reading, so now that reminds me of her. The great part of town I live in now? She first showed me around it. She helped me adopt the cat I own; even named him. The fact is that as I look back now, a lot of the problems we had stemmed from issues I still have in my life regardless of whether she's in it. So I'm not feeling different, except now I'm back to being alone. And much as I try not to, I still think about her. It's like my whole life before her, I'd had this friend in my head that I'd talked to as a placeholder. And then she was there, and she was everything I'd ever imagined she'd be. Now that I'm back to being alone, her identity still lingers in that place in my head and in my heart. When I close my eyes and tell my secrets to someone, it's still her, even though I haven't spoken to her in six months (longer than the relationship itself lasted).
It's possible that I'm just feeling lonely in general, and transferring it to thoughts of her because being with her was the last time I didn't feel that way. Maybe I just need to tough it out until I start school, which should be a whole new horizon for me. But if there's anything else I can be doing to move on...I'm open.
Earlier this year, I met the first girl I really loved. It was a brief but very intense relationship; just a few months. At first, it was incredible. But it progressed way too fast, and there were minor incidents that caused increasing distance between us. I think a lot of it was just the life she led, which was so much more expansive than mine. I envied it, in a way, but it also intimidated me. I shied away more than I'm proud of when she tried to open me up, and while being with her took me leaps and bounds from where I was before, it was slower than it should have been. I should have embraced her friends, instead I was awkward around them. I should have been more involved in her life; should have known what she was up to, what classes she was taking, how they were going. Instead, I felt confused and scared by the rest of her life when she wasn't with me. Needless to say, she eventually broke it off. I took it really hard and we exchanged occasional emails back and forth which ranged from me trying to win her back to trying to maintain a friendship. In the end though, I let go. I've tried to move on and not think about her as much as possible.
Unfortunately, this hasn't proven easy. In a lot of ways, my life has improved since the breakup. I got a better job, moved into a new apartment in a great area, I'm finally able to get into school next month... But, she left a pretty large footprint in my life. Being in a new city where I haven't really gotten to know anyone aside from her, there hasn't been much to fill the void. I'm constantly reminded of her. Half the music I listen to, either came from her or is something she'd like. She showed me how to handle living in an apartment, so now everything about mine seems to recall her place. She rekindled my love of reading, so now that reminds me of her. The great part of town I live in now? She first showed me around it. She helped me adopt the cat I own; even named him. The fact is that as I look back now, a lot of the problems we had stemmed from issues I still have in my life regardless of whether she's in it. So I'm not feeling different, except now I'm back to being alone. And much as I try not to, I still think about her. It's like my whole life before her, I'd had this friend in my head that I'd talked to as a placeholder. And then she was there, and she was everything I'd ever imagined she'd be. Now that I'm back to being alone, her identity still lingers in that place in my head and in my heart. When I close my eyes and tell my secrets to someone, it's still her, even though I haven't spoken to her in six months (longer than the relationship itself lasted).
It's possible that I'm just feeling lonely in general, and transferring it to thoughts of her because being with her was the last time I didn't feel that way. Maybe I just need to tough it out until I start school, which should be a whole new horizon for me. But if there's anything else I can be doing to move on...I'm open.
I'd be willing to bet that the relationship suffered more from your lack of expansiveness than from a co-ownership of her life. The best advice I can give is to continue to find your own identity, and if you do this, I think you'll find that your life only gets better personally, professionally, and romantically. Like any advice, it's foolish to try to impart it to another person, and truly only worthwhile once learned through one's own life anyway..
In other words, appreciate her for what she has been in your life and what she has shown you in living hers, and move on to re-give it to others.
posted by kcm at 3:14 PM on December 25, 2009 [4 favorites]
In other words, appreciate her for what she has been in your life and what she has shown you in living hers, and move on to re-give it to others.
posted by kcm at 3:14 PM on December 25, 2009 [4 favorites]
Ditto mr. strange. Meet new people, even if it's awkward for you. Especially if it's awkward for you. Get out more and do more stuff. Make new memories that don't involve her.
posted by adamrice at 3:48 PM on December 25, 2009
posted by adamrice at 3:48 PM on December 25, 2009
There's nothing better to make you forget the last breakup than the next one.
posted by mikeh at 6:01 PM on December 25, 2009
posted by mikeh at 6:01 PM on December 25, 2009
Give it time. If after a very specific amount of time that no one can tell you you're still having this feeling, treat the feeling like a missing finger. It's just plain not coming back, you'll never stop noticing it, but you can trivialize the impact. You're as held back in life as you decide to be on this one.
posted by eccnineten at 6:27 PM on December 25, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by eccnineten at 6:27 PM on December 25, 2009 [3 favorites]
I had a similar experience. The only true solution is time. I was devastated by a breakup with someone that I thought was my One True Love.
Given time you will get perspective. I know that this doesn't help now. I heard it then and it didn't help me either.
Cry. Feel your emotion. It's totally valid and it can't be ignored.
Don't go crazy. Avoid rebound relationships. But don't close yourself to new ones.
It's a truly overworked concept, but time does heal.
Now I can look back and the pangs hit me, but I can understand that I didn't do anything that I can fix now.
The past is the past, don't dwell there. Take what you can from that experience. Grow.
Move on.
Good luck.
posted by Splunge at 6:46 PM on December 25, 2009 [3 favorites]
Given time you will get perspective. I know that this doesn't help now. I heard it then and it didn't help me either.
Cry. Feel your emotion. It's totally valid and it can't be ignored.
Don't go crazy. Avoid rebound relationships. But don't close yourself to new ones.
It's a truly overworked concept, but time does heal.
Now I can look back and the pangs hit me, but I can understand that I didn't do anything that I can fix now.
The past is the past, don't dwell there. Take what you can from that experience. Grow.
Move on.
Good luck.
posted by Splunge at 6:46 PM on December 25, 2009 [3 favorites]
Do let go. Be certain you're not incubating an obsession. They always end badly.
posted by bleeb at 7:04 PM on December 25, 2009
posted by bleeb at 7:04 PM on December 25, 2009
Best answer: Change the cats name -- instead of Muffin it is now Melville, Messenger of Death. Maybe get it a sword and/or a cape, or like that. Better: Get a dog that is a messenger of death. Or something.
This woman gave you a lot. No way of stopping thinking about that, sitting in todays shoes I don't know why you'd want to -- she really helped you. Appreciate it, gratefully, gracefully. Now grow into it all, if you want to, if you can; might be that you cannot. That's okay, too -- you're here to be you, who you are, here, now, including your weaknesses; it is what it is, you are who you are.
My friend Emily is an amazing woman, a storming fire of energy and creativity, whirling on through the universe. She's broken many a heart, guys trying to clutch her rather than just get what falls off as she passes by, stardust. Fact is, much as I love that sort of gal -- a lot, Emmer really rocks -- I know for a fact I couldn't keep up with her type for more than forty-five seconds; she's all over the dang place, she's jumping up and down, I'm very much a lump of coal sort of guy, sitting here scratching myself. I'd much rather that I was a whirling star of energy and creativity myself but I know that I'm not -- damn it! And even young, when I was all energetic and whatnot, all of my whirling mostly left me crashing into walls, which surely was annoying, and bothered the neighbors.
Enjoy what she's given you. She's not coming back. Sorry.
Spring is coming, not but just three months off. For now, it's winter. Live the winter, watch what the animals and plants do, and the farmers, take the strengths you've harvested, along with those she gave you, and lay low, follow the season. Just sit. Appreciate your new place. Sit in it. Don't just do something, stand there.
John Lennon: I'm just sittin' here watchin' the wheels go 'round and 'round
I do like that song. Do you?
Hard to believe but it's true -- real good chance that you're going to teach a woman or two some of the things she taught you, plus other things you'll figure out on your own, plus other things that other women will teach you. And might be you're going to have to learn to wave them goodbye, same as she's had to learn, you'll have to cut them loose even though you love them. It's a bitch. This wasn't easy for her, either. Though of course easier for her than for you.
Last. You're not supposed to forget about the women who've left large footprints. I'm not supposed to, anyways. And I don't want to, not anymore. Even if it burns like fire in your heart -- and it will, for however long it does, you don't get to decide how long -- know that it's just a piece of it all. (Remind me of this when I'm laying here with a knife in my chest, all heart-broke and stuff, and moaning, behind my next adventure, if ever I do venture out again; just now, I'm sortof gun-shy about it all.) Those women, I carry all of them with me, I love them all (well, Ann sortof sucks, but she damn sure taught me a lot about what not to take; be very, very careful dating German psychotherapists), they've all of them given me gifts, large gifts or small ones, they've taught me so much about how to live; women are just so great, at so much, they just rock.
It's winter. Sit still in the cold.
posted by dancestoblue at 11:30 PM on December 25, 2009 [12 favorites]
This woman gave you a lot. No way of stopping thinking about that, sitting in todays shoes I don't know why you'd want to -- she really helped you. Appreciate it, gratefully, gracefully. Now grow into it all, if you want to, if you can; might be that you cannot. That's okay, too -- you're here to be you, who you are, here, now, including your weaknesses; it is what it is, you are who you are.
My friend Emily is an amazing woman, a storming fire of energy and creativity, whirling on through the universe. She's broken many a heart, guys trying to clutch her rather than just get what falls off as she passes by, stardust. Fact is, much as I love that sort of gal -- a lot, Emmer really rocks -- I know for a fact I couldn't keep up with her type for more than forty-five seconds; she's all over the dang place, she's jumping up and down, I'm very much a lump of coal sort of guy, sitting here scratching myself. I'd much rather that I was a whirling star of energy and creativity myself but I know that I'm not -- damn it! And even young, when I was all energetic and whatnot, all of my whirling mostly left me crashing into walls, which surely was annoying, and bothered the neighbors.
Enjoy what she's given you. She's not coming back. Sorry.
Spring is coming, not but just three months off. For now, it's winter. Live the winter, watch what the animals and plants do, and the farmers, take the strengths you've harvested, along with those she gave you, and lay low, follow the season. Just sit. Appreciate your new place. Sit in it. Don't just do something, stand there.
John Lennon: I'm just sittin' here watchin' the wheels go 'round and 'round
I do like that song. Do you?
Hard to believe but it's true -- real good chance that you're going to teach a woman or two some of the things she taught you, plus other things you'll figure out on your own, plus other things that other women will teach you. And might be you're going to have to learn to wave them goodbye, same as she's had to learn, you'll have to cut them loose even though you love them. It's a bitch. This wasn't easy for her, either. Though of course easier for her than for you.
Last. You're not supposed to forget about the women who've left large footprints. I'm not supposed to, anyways. And I don't want to, not anymore. Even if it burns like fire in your heart -- and it will, for however long it does, you don't get to decide how long -- know that it's just a piece of it all. (Remind me of this when I'm laying here with a knife in my chest, all heart-broke and stuff, and moaning, behind my next adventure, if ever I do venture out again; just now, I'm sortof gun-shy about it all.) Those women, I carry all of them with me, I love them all (well, Ann sortof sucks, but she damn sure taught me a lot about what not to take; be very, very careful dating German psychotherapists), they've all of them given me gifts, large gifts or small ones, they've taught me so much about how to live; women are just so great, at so much, they just rock.
It's winter. Sit still in the cold.
posted by dancestoblue at 11:30 PM on December 25, 2009 [12 favorites]
I'm going to be as straightforward as possible - I hope I don't sound too harsh.
You say that you let go because you were scared, confused, etc.
Now that you've pinpointed the reasons for your behavior, you have decided that you still want to let go.
But you CAN adjust your behavior now that you are aware of what you were doing.
Unless you think you are truly incompatible with her, why not go after her again?
You gave up too early based on what you wrote. I believe in fighting for love until you are satisfied that you gave it all you got.
And the other thing is that she sounds fantastic but I think you put her too high on a pedestal. She introduced a number of things to you but to be honest, they were not that wildly amazing. Introducing music, naming your cat, etc?
Come on.
I didn't hear details about the emotional bond that you formed with her, the strong connection you both had. How you made each other laugh and supported each other.
You said the whole relationship was brief so is it possible that you were perhaps mostly infatuated with her?
How well do you know her values and goals in life?
Did you even tell her you loved her? Did she tell you?
I am currently in the process of fighting for the love of my ex. I wouldn't feel good about myself if I didn't put up a good fight for something I believed in.
I will give up after I'm satisfied that I gave it my best shot of course but not before that.
I may lose the battle but I can live with that. I can't live with not trying.
posted by simpleton at 8:17 AM on December 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
You say that you let go because you were scared, confused, etc.
Now that you've pinpointed the reasons for your behavior, you have decided that you still want to let go.
But you CAN adjust your behavior now that you are aware of what you were doing.
Unless you think you are truly incompatible with her, why not go after her again?
You gave up too early based on what you wrote. I believe in fighting for love until you are satisfied that you gave it all you got.
And the other thing is that she sounds fantastic but I think you put her too high on a pedestal. She introduced a number of things to you but to be honest, they were not that wildly amazing. Introducing music, naming your cat, etc?
Come on.
I didn't hear details about the emotional bond that you formed with her, the strong connection you both had. How you made each other laugh and supported each other.
You said the whole relationship was brief so is it possible that you were perhaps mostly infatuated with her?
How well do you know her values and goals in life?
Did you even tell her you loved her? Did she tell you?
I am currently in the process of fighting for the love of my ex. I wouldn't feel good about myself if I didn't put up a good fight for something I believed in.
I will give up after I'm satisfied that I gave it my best shot of course but not before that.
I may lose the battle but I can live with that. I can't live with not trying.
posted by simpleton at 8:17 AM on December 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
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posted by mr. strange at 3:11 PM on December 25, 2009