Can a rebound relationship work?
December 16, 2009 9:36 AM Subscribe
I have a shot with a girl I've liked for a long time. Problem: she's on the rebound. How can I maximize the chances of a happy outcome for both of us?
She is currently married, but is looking at a divorce in the immediate future. This was in progress well before I entered the picture, and it sounds like it's just a matter of logistics at this point. Nothing scandalous has happened between us, nor has it been suggested, nor would I allow any such thing to happen, nor do I expect that she would. (So please spare me the OutrageFilter.) However, it's become clear that there's more than a handful of mutual interest.
Obviously, I need to approach this situation with extreme caution, for a bunch of reasons. I don't want anything to happen between us before the divorce—it would be wrong, it would likely blow up in our faces, and I don't want to frame a relationship under those conditions anyway. I'm clear on this part.
But the possibility has been raised of something developing between us once the situation allows it, and I'd like to keep that possibility open. I'd pretty much written her off as the one who got away. Now she's not only come back, but is nibbling at the hook.
I understand that she's probably feeling confused and lonely and insecure right now, and may be reaching out to me more for reassurance than because of any genuine feelings for me. On the other hand, I've really liked her for a long time. I had pretty much packed those feelings up and put them away (what with her getting married and all), but they're still around. I could get hurt if I'm not careful. Whatever happens—whether that's a short-term fling, or something more, or nothing at all—I want to make sure that it's good for both of us.
To that end:
She is currently married, but is looking at a divorce in the immediate future. This was in progress well before I entered the picture, and it sounds like it's just a matter of logistics at this point. Nothing scandalous has happened between us, nor has it been suggested, nor would I allow any such thing to happen, nor do I expect that she would. (So please spare me the OutrageFilter.) However, it's become clear that there's more than a handful of mutual interest.
Obviously, I need to approach this situation with extreme caution, for a bunch of reasons. I don't want anything to happen between us before the divorce—it would be wrong, it would likely blow up in our faces, and I don't want to frame a relationship under those conditions anyway. I'm clear on this part.
But the possibility has been raised of something developing between us once the situation allows it, and I'd like to keep that possibility open. I'd pretty much written her off as the one who got away. Now she's not only come back, but is nibbling at the hook.
I understand that she's probably feeling confused and lonely and insecure right now, and may be reaching out to me more for reassurance than because of any genuine feelings for me. On the other hand, I've really liked her for a long time. I had pretty much packed those feelings up and put them away (what with her getting married and all), but they're still around. I could get hurt if I'm not careful. Whatever happens—whether that's a short-term fling, or something more, or nothing at all—I want to make sure that it's good for both of us.
To that end:
- I'm backing off from her until after the divorce. I will continue to exchange friendly emails, but I'm putting the kibosh on in-person visits and overt flirtation. They're not exactly adultery, but they're not exactly above-board either, and they provide temptation that we don't need.
- I'm tempering my expectations. As in, I have none. I'm simply allowing the situation to develop (again, in a very restricted way until after the divorce), and seeing where it ends up. And if other opportunities present themselves in the meantime, I'm not gonna ignore them.
- I'm taking the lead in terms of setting the limits and the pace of this, at least for now.
- I'm not allowing her to cry on my shoulder about the divorce (not that she has tried to, really). She deserves a shoulder to cry on, of course, but it's a bad idea to use mine. Any relationship we might begin must be about her and I, not her and her ex-husband.
- Similarly: even after the divorce, I'm going to take things very slowly. She's going to have a lot of stuff to process, whether she realizes that or not. She needs to spend some time alone figuring out what all this means for her, before she leaps straight into something new. I want her to be with me because she wants to be with me, not because she wants someone and I happen to be convenient. (Or, at least, we should both be aware of the extent to which this is the case.)
I'm putting the kibosh on in-person visits and overt flirtation.
She might read that has disinterest.
She's going to have a lot of stuff to process, whether she realizes that or not. She needs to spend some time alone figuring out what all this means for her, before she leaps straight into something new.
Let her decide that. You're not her therapist.
posted by spaltavian at 9:48 AM on December 16, 2009 [6 favorites]
She might read that has disinterest.
She's going to have a lot of stuff to process, whether she realizes that or not. She needs to spend some time alone figuring out what all this means for her, before she leaps straight into something new.
Let her decide that. You're not her therapist.
posted by spaltavian at 9:48 AM on December 16, 2009 [6 favorites]
Divorces take a long time; I don't know that you necessarily have to back off until the divorce is completely legally over. But it sounds like things haven't even begun yet ("is looking at a divorce"), and if that's the case, definitely back off until there's no chance the marriage will be saved. But then, go for it. If she wants to be with you, don't wait forever just because you think she might not be ready. Only she can know that for sure.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:49 AM on December 16, 2009 [4 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:49 AM on December 16, 2009 [4 favorites]
I don't think you should do so much planning.
posted by Kirklander at 9:49 AM on December 16, 2009
posted by Kirklander at 9:49 AM on December 16, 2009
If she really likes you the rebound/divorce stuff is a non-issue. If she's been dating, the divorce/rebound thing is a non-issue. Stop overthinking this.
My gf was separated and divorce plans were in full swing when we met. Everything worked out fine. If she's hot for you the other stuff doesn't matter.
You're planning things out like you're buying a house and you're being over-cautious. This is an unattractive trait to most women. They want you to take charge. They want action. Now get in there and stop worrying and see this woman.
Or, try and find a woman who's not on some kind of "rebound" or after-effect of a previous relathionship. You'll searching for a long long time, unless you go to a convent.
posted by Zambrano at 9:51 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
My gf was separated and divorce plans were in full swing when we met. Everything worked out fine. If she's hot for you the other stuff doesn't matter.
You're planning things out like you're buying a house and you're being over-cautious. This is an unattractive trait to most women. They want you to take charge. They want action. Now get in there and stop worrying and see this woman.
Or, try and find a woman who's not on some kind of "rebound" or after-effect of a previous relathionship. You'll searching for a long long time, unless you go to a convent.
posted by Zambrano at 9:51 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
There are over 3 billion women out there. She's in the middle of a divorce. Let her be, and come back to her later, and it'll be a hell of a lot better for the both of you.
posted by Dukat at 9:55 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Dukat at 9:55 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
I don't think you should do so much planning.
Indeed, the planning is likely all about emotional reassurance that your overinvestment in someone with a likely less than stellar relationship record is safe for you. For example:
Obviously, I need to approach this situation with extreme caution, for a bunch of reasons. I don't want anything to happen between us before the divorce—it would be wrong, it would likely blow up in our faces, and I don't want to frame a relationship under those conditions anyway. I'm clear on this part.
None of these reasons seem to be about protecting yourself from getting hurt.
If she really likes you the rebound/divorce stuff is a non-issue. If she's been dating, the divorce/rebound thing is a non-issue. Stop overthinking this.
My gf was separated and divorce plans were in full swing when we met. Everything worked out fine. If she's hot for you the other stuff doesn't matter.
You're planning things out like you're buying a house and you're being over-cautious. This is an unattractive trait to most women. They want you to take charge. They want action. Now get in there and stop worrying and see this woman.
Or, try and find a woman who's not on some kind of "rebound" or after-effect of a previous relathionship. You'll searching for a long long time, unless you go to a convent.
A lot of this is good advice. I'd be a little worried for yourself if there has always been something simmering in the background since before their marriage--only if, of course, you are interested in a monogamous relationship with her. If that isn't a priority, you can be uncautious.
In short, you need to take a long hard look at this woman and her traits. Set aside your attraction and your high opinion of her personally and ask yourself if there is always a large amount of drama surrounding this woman. Look at the length of the marriage and the reasons for the upcoming divorce. Fidelity issues on one or the other or both their parts? A very short marriage? These things are something you should be concerned about if you are seeking a stable monogamous relationship with her. Also look at your own relationship history--do you have a history of going after unavailable partners who let you down? Keep these things in mind.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:03 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
Indeed, the planning is likely all about emotional reassurance that your overinvestment in someone with a likely less than stellar relationship record is safe for you. For example:
Obviously, I need to approach this situation with extreme caution, for a bunch of reasons. I don't want anything to happen between us before the divorce—it would be wrong, it would likely blow up in our faces, and I don't want to frame a relationship under those conditions anyway. I'm clear on this part.
None of these reasons seem to be about protecting yourself from getting hurt.
If she really likes you the rebound/divorce stuff is a non-issue. If she's been dating, the divorce/rebound thing is a non-issue. Stop overthinking this.
My gf was separated and divorce plans were in full swing when we met. Everything worked out fine. If she's hot for you the other stuff doesn't matter.
You're planning things out like you're buying a house and you're being over-cautious. This is an unattractive trait to most women. They want you to take charge. They want action. Now get in there and stop worrying and see this woman.
Or, try and find a woman who's not on some kind of "rebound" or after-effect of a previous relathionship. You'll searching for a long long time, unless you go to a convent.
A lot of this is good advice. I'd be a little worried for yourself if there has always been something simmering in the background since before their marriage--only if, of course, you are interested in a monogamous relationship with her. If that isn't a priority, you can be uncautious.
In short, you need to take a long hard look at this woman and her traits. Set aside your attraction and your high opinion of her personally and ask yourself if there is always a large amount of drama surrounding this woman. Look at the length of the marriage and the reasons for the upcoming divorce. Fidelity issues on one or the other or both their parts? A very short marriage? These things are something you should be concerned about if you are seeking a stable monogamous relationship with her. Also look at your own relationship history--do you have a history of going after unavailable partners who let you down? Keep these things in mind.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:03 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
Not having a romance with someone who is still married (presuming a monogamous agreement between both spouses) isn't irrational prudery, it's simple self-preservation. For you.
If that doesn't appeal to you, then don't go for it until she straightens her life out and is again single--dressing it up in white-knight "Oh, I want to do what's best for her" blah blah is probably counterproductive and just feeds drama. There's nothing wrong with choosing not to date someone who is still married to someone else.
As for the other stuff, do whatever feels right to you. You're not in a relationship with her; she's married to somebody else, and you don't want to have a relationship with her until that's resolved (or in the process of resolution). You're responsible for your feelings and your well-being, not hers.
When she's available for dating, see if you still want to date her and she you, and then pursue the relationship on terms that work for both of you. Not according to some vague sense of conventional wisdom about how people are "supposed" to have a relationship after a breakup, but about ways that are appropriate for the relationship between you and her.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:37 AM on December 16, 2009
If that doesn't appeal to you, then don't go for it until she straightens her life out and is again single--dressing it up in white-knight "Oh, I want to do what's best for her" blah blah is probably counterproductive and just feeds drama. There's nothing wrong with choosing not to date someone who is still married to someone else.
As for the other stuff, do whatever feels right to you. You're not in a relationship with her; she's married to somebody else, and you don't want to have a relationship with her until that's resolved (or in the process of resolution). You're responsible for your feelings and your well-being, not hers.
When she's available for dating, see if you still want to date her and she you, and then pursue the relationship on terms that work for both of you. Not according to some vague sense of conventional wisdom about how people are "supposed" to have a relationship after a breakup, but about ways that are appropriate for the relationship between you and her.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:37 AM on December 16, 2009
And I agree with everyone who says that if there is one thing that most women hate with the fire of a thousand burning suns, it's someone else planning their emotional lives for them. It's icky. Let her make her own choices, and you make your own choices, and see if you guys either intersect or don't intersect as time goes on.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:39 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:39 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think your problem is that you're being both TOO cautious and TOO reckless. You want to keep on "allowing the situation to develop" and cultivating the "nibbles," while at the same time making sure you don't get hurt. Either this thing is going to work, or it's going to fail spectacularly, and I'm afraid that you won't find out unless you take some real steps.
Here's what I would do: tell her exactly how you feel, then completely cut off contact while she gets her divorce sorted out. Tell her to come to you when she's ready.
If she does come to you, there are going to be a million minefields to avoid and a very real danger that she's just using you for the rebound. But I'm afraid that in this situation, there's no way to avoid that. Go forth and test the waters.
posted by yarly at 10:54 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
Here's what I would do: tell her exactly how you feel, then completely cut off contact while she gets her divorce sorted out. Tell her to come to you when she's ready.
If she does come to you, there are going to be a million minefields to avoid and a very real danger that she's just using you for the rebound. But I'm afraid that in this situation, there's no way to avoid that. Go forth and test the waters.
posted by yarly at 10:54 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
Can I also say that it sounds like you're being a classic Nice Guy TM (not to be confused with guys who are actually nice) ? All the signs are there: having a long-term crush on someone who's partnered with/married to someone else, trying to micromanage her emotional life, white-knighting, planning a romantic future with someone you're not even dating...
Getting out of that mindset might really help you lead a happier life.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:19 AM on December 16, 2009
Getting out of that mindset might really help you lead a happier life.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:19 AM on December 16, 2009
until they file the papers dont even try to do anything.
posted by majortom1981 at 11:20 AM on December 16, 2009
posted by majortom1981 at 11:20 AM on December 16, 2009
A divorce is a big mess that new love shouldn't get tangled in the middle of. I would go much further in setting limits for yourself on how much you interact with her until the divorce is final. I would go so far as to say you should date other people, and not consider her at all to be a potential dating possibility. It is very likely that she will be "in repair" for a while, even after the divorce is final. Depending on the length & intensity of the marriage, this period of regrouping could be a long one.
If you are too "present" during the divorce period, she may start to see you as either: a) the nice, understanding friend who helped her through the divorce (non-sexual) or b) the shining alternative to her unhappy marriage (impossible expectations to live up to).
posted by eleyna at 11:21 AM on December 16, 2009
If you are too "present" during the divorce period, she may start to see you as either: a) the nice, understanding friend who helped her through the divorce (non-sexual) or b) the shining alternative to her unhappy marriage (impossible expectations to live up to).
posted by eleyna at 11:21 AM on December 16, 2009
Divorce proceedings or not, people recovering from a lengthy, dead relationship are not people you want to date. They lie to themselves about being ready for new people. Whilst they figure out why they're not happy with you, you suffer.
If she's coming out of a divorce, it's a double no-no.
posted by spamguy at 11:39 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
If she's coming out of a divorce, it's a double no-no.
posted by spamguy at 11:39 AM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
Eight years or so ago, I was getting divorced, and a girl I was seeing was told to stay away from me romantically because I was on the rebound. (By her shrink, no less.) Fortunately, she ignored the advice, and we've been married for six years.
In our case, I would have dumped anyone I was seeing whenever she wanted to get serious. But you can't be sure that the girl you're fond of won't jump right into a permanent relationship, and you'll lose your shot.
Sure, moving too fast, you can screw it up. But being too sensible, you can lose the girl. I think wisdom has its limits when it comes to love.
I would stop overthinking it. But also, let her set the pace.
posted by musofire at 11:56 AM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
In our case, I would have dumped anyone I was seeing whenever she wanted to get serious. But you can't be sure that the girl you're fond of won't jump right into a permanent relationship, and you'll lose your shot.
Sure, moving too fast, you can screw it up. But being too sensible, you can lose the girl. I think wisdom has its limits when it comes to love.
I would stop overthinking it. But also, let her set the pace.
posted by musofire at 11:56 AM on December 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
I've been the woman in your scenario. A college friend of mine who had been there as a friend for a long time was, apparently, sort of waiting in the wings during the 5 1/2 years I was married to my ex. I made the mistake of saying "hey, that could have worked at one point" and he seized on it even while I was having what I now recognize was a rebound fling with a younger man. That was quite the rollercoaster! All of it ended badly and I'm now happily married to a guy I met after my divorce was final. I'm not friends with either Mr. Rebound or the old friend.
I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but there you have it. I hope for her sake your friend is less messed up than I was at that point in my life, but if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't count on it.
(On the other hand, on preview, I was still on the rollercoaster when I met Mr. immlass, and we've been married for 9 1/2 years. So there is that.)
posted by immlass at 12:08 PM on December 16, 2009
I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but there you have it. I hope for her sake your friend is less messed up than I was at that point in my life, but if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't count on it.
(On the other hand, on preview, I was still on the rollercoaster when I met Mr. immlass, and we've been married for 9 1/2 years. So there is that.)
posted by immlass at 12:08 PM on December 16, 2009
How much actual drama is there likely to be surrounding her divorce? Lots of people above seem to be assuming that all divorces are ugly and emotional, but sometimes that is just not the case. Sometimes a person has been emotionally "over" the failure of their relationship for a long time before the divorce ever gets underway, and they may be emotionally good and ready to start dating well before the ink is even dry on the divorce papers
I had been separated from my last husband for only a few months when I started dating the man I'm married to now. We didn't hash over former relationship or divorce issues any more than any other couple does, I don't think. It was always about us liking each other, never about him being a rebound or "the supportive guy who got me through my divorce." We've been together for 10 years.
If she was dumped and is still emotionally raw or if there is likely to be a huge ugly custody battle with associated drama, then I can see proceeding with more caution. But if she's not overly upset about the breakup, she may be good to go for dating as soon as they are physically separated. And if you play it too cool you may wind up losing your shot.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:20 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
I had been separated from my last husband for only a few months when I started dating the man I'm married to now. We didn't hash over former relationship or divorce issues any more than any other couple does, I don't think. It was always about us liking each other, never about him being a rebound or "the supportive guy who got me through my divorce." We've been together for 10 years.
If she was dumped and is still emotionally raw or if there is likely to be a huge ugly custody battle with associated drama, then I can see proceeding with more caution. But if she's not overly upset about the breakup, she may be good to go for dating as soon as they are physically separated. And if you play it too cool you may wind up losing your shot.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:20 PM on December 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
I had been separated from my last husband for only a few months when I started dating the man I'm married to now.
The person the OP is crushing on is still in the marriage, apparently, according to the post.
I agree with you that she may be ready to start dating at any point after she and her husband start the process of ending the marriage. But that hasn't happened yet, and waiting until they do doesn't seem like "playing it too cool" at all.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:46 PM on December 16, 2009
The person the OP is crushing on is still in the marriage, apparently, according to the post.
I agree with you that she may be ready to start dating at any point after she and her husband start the process of ending the marriage. But that hasn't happened yet, and waiting until they do doesn't seem like "playing it too cool" at all.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:46 PM on December 16, 2009
I really, really agree with Serene Empress Dork.
Just like breakups, not all divorces are dramatic and confrontational. If this woman's divorce was in process well before you arrived, then there's a good chance that she's emotionally finished with the relationship.
Does this woman seem excessively preoccupied with the end of her relationship? If every other conversation is about her ex being an asshole, then that's a clear warning sign. If she seems to accept that it's over and rarely mentions it, then you're probably in the clear.
posted by ripley_ at 12:56 PM on December 16, 2009
Just like breakups, not all divorces are dramatic and confrontational. If this woman's divorce was in process well before you arrived, then there's a good chance that she's emotionally finished with the relationship.
Does this woman seem excessively preoccupied with the end of her relationship? If every other conversation is about her ex being an asshole, then that's a clear warning sign. If she seems to accept that it's over and rarely mentions it, then you're probably in the clear.
posted by ripley_ at 12:56 PM on December 16, 2009
The person the OP is crushing on is still in the marriage, apparently, according to the post.
That's really ambiguous though.
It could mean that they're living separately and completely done with the relationship, but the papers haven't gone through. This can be for completely non-dramatic reasons; I'm still technically married (but in a very happy relationship with my girlfriend) because British Columbia requires a year of separation before divorce.
Or it could mean that they're still living together and have yet to go through the final "I'm breaking up with you" talk, in which case the OP is probably right to be cautious.
posted by ripley_ at 1:01 PM on December 16, 2009
That's really ambiguous though.
It could mean that they're living separately and completely done with the relationship, but the papers haven't gone through. This can be for completely non-dramatic reasons; I'm still technically married (but in a very happy relationship with my girlfriend) because British Columbia requires a year of separation before divorce.
Or it could mean that they're still living together and have yet to go through the final "I'm breaking up with you" talk, in which case the OP is probably right to be cautious.
posted by ripley_ at 1:01 PM on December 16, 2009
she may be ready to start dating at any point after she and her husband start the process of ending the marriage. But that hasn't happened yet, and waiting until they do doesn't seem like "playing it too cool" at all.
I agree, the separation process needs to be in motion. However, the OP says he is (unilaterally?) cutting off all in-person contact until after the actual divorce, which could be months, and then he plans to take things "very slowly even afterwards. I'm just pointing out that this may be far too slow a pace for her if she happens to be itching to get on with her new life rather than stuck in "processing" or mourning mode.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 1:57 PM on December 16, 2009
I agree, the separation process needs to be in motion. However, the OP says he is (unilaterally?) cutting off all in-person contact until after the actual divorce, which could be months, and then he plans to take things "very slowly even afterwards. I'm just pointing out that this may be far too slow a pace for her if she happens to be itching to get on with her new life rather than stuck in "processing" or mourning mode.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 1:57 PM on December 16, 2009
Or it could mean that they're still living together and have yet to go through the final "I'm breaking up with you" talk, in which case the OP is probably right to be cautious.
I think that this is more likely given this language in the post:
She is currently married, but is looking at a divorce in the immediate future.
"Looking at a divorce" doesn't sound like "a divorce is in process" to me. But hard to tell, I agree, exactly what is going on here.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:11 PM on December 16, 2009
I think that this is more likely given this language in the post:
She is currently married, but is looking at a divorce in the immediate future.
"Looking at a divorce" doesn't sound like "a divorce is in process" to me. But hard to tell, I agree, exactly what is going on here.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:11 PM on December 16, 2009
Going through a divorce = still married.
For most, but not all, people, going through a divorce = neither feeling nor thinking straight.
For many people, going through a divorce = desperate for another person to cling to (i.e., these would be the folks conventionally referred to as "needy" or perhaps "co-dependent" in pop-psych terms and not unlike the sort who feel compelled to marry everyone they sleep with).
Ditto all of the above for those considered "legally separated" but not finally "divorced."
Let her get her act together, and then see what might arise. Be her friend, but let her be otherwise until she's truly free.
Besides, the world is full of many people, and half of them are women.
posted by SuzB at 2:25 PM on December 16, 2009
For most, but not all, people, going through a divorce = neither feeling nor thinking straight.
For many people, going through a divorce = desperate for another person to cling to (i.e., these would be the folks conventionally referred to as "needy" or perhaps "co-dependent" in pop-psych terms and not unlike the sort who feel compelled to marry everyone they sleep with).
Ditto all of the above for those considered "legally separated" but not finally "divorced."
Let her get her act together, and then see what might arise. Be her friend, but let her be otherwise until she's truly free.
Besides, the world is full of many people, and half of them are women.
posted by SuzB at 2:25 PM on December 16, 2009
I'm wondering about her looming divorce situation - is she the one instigating it, is the husband, or is it a mutual falling apart of the relationship? There's plenty of variations on these too, of course. Just wondering how messy this is going to be for her... if she's got good reason to feel hurt and betrayed and just isn't showing it yet, that's not a good scene for you. If she seems to be processing things with a good deal of maturity and practicality, that's much better.
When I finally asked my ex for a divorce, I'd already reached the point where I had completely mentally checked out of the relationship. So even though there was still a lot of stuff to work through emotionally as the process of separation and divorce dragged on, I met a wonderful man a few weeks into my separation and we dated for a long time. I instigated that relationship, as he admitted later he wasn't wanting to take advantage of me or bring me into something I wasn't ready for yet, and I appreciated that. I wasn't confused emotionally about what I was feeling for my new boyfriend (I was clear on the difference between my relationship with him and with my ex), though I was fairly sensitive about certain things that led to the failure of my marriage. He was very understanding and accommodating when it came to my dealing with my issues, but aside from that it wasn't a factor in my relationship with him. I wouldn't consider it a rebound relationship at all.
To minimize contact is unnecessary - she'll need people who will give her support and help keep her spirits high. I know my family wasn't great to be around at times (though they were supportive they couldn't let the subject drop sometimes), I lost a lot of friends to "his" side, and as a result of the divorce I was also faced with how few of my own friends I actually had left. Really, spend time with her if she's willing, remember to pay attention to her mood and not overstay your welcome, take her out and keep her mind off things, if she wants to talk about it, let her but don't press her otherwise (and don't offer any advice, just be supportive and sympathetic).
Wanting to keep the divorce out of the relationship between you two wouldn't be possible, it'll be a big part of her life now and for the next few years. Suck it up - be there for her, just don't become her lone crutch. Then you won't be "the guy who got her through her divorce".
posted by lizbunny at 2:33 PM on December 16, 2009
When I finally asked my ex for a divorce, I'd already reached the point where I had completely mentally checked out of the relationship. So even though there was still a lot of stuff to work through emotionally as the process of separation and divorce dragged on, I met a wonderful man a few weeks into my separation and we dated for a long time. I instigated that relationship, as he admitted later he wasn't wanting to take advantage of me or bring me into something I wasn't ready for yet, and I appreciated that. I wasn't confused emotionally about what I was feeling for my new boyfriend (I was clear on the difference between my relationship with him and with my ex), though I was fairly sensitive about certain things that led to the failure of my marriage. He was very understanding and accommodating when it came to my dealing with my issues, but aside from that it wasn't a factor in my relationship with him. I wouldn't consider it a rebound relationship at all.
To minimize contact is unnecessary - she'll need people who will give her support and help keep her spirits high. I know my family wasn't great to be around at times (though they were supportive they couldn't let the subject drop sometimes), I lost a lot of friends to "his" side, and as a result of the divorce I was also faced with how few of my own friends I actually had left. Really, spend time with her if she's willing, remember to pay attention to her mood and not overstay your welcome, take her out and keep her mind off things, if she wants to talk about it, let her but don't press her otherwise (and don't offer any advice, just be supportive and sympathetic).
Wanting to keep the divorce out of the relationship between you two wouldn't be possible, it'll be a big part of her life now and for the next few years. Suck it up - be there for her, just don't become her lone crutch. Then you won't be "the guy who got her through her divorce".
posted by lizbunny at 2:33 PM on December 16, 2009
follow-up from the OP
Thanks to everyone for the replies.posted by jessamyn at 2:35 PM on December 16, 2009
Some have asked for more details about the divorce, so here they are. The wedding was several years ago, so while it's been a short marriage, it's not so short that it raises a red flag. There are no kids. As far as I know, there has been no infidelity or other high drama; she says that things have simply fizzled out and gone flat. They're still on good terms, but it's purely a platonic relationship at this point, and it sounds like divorce has been on the table for a while. They're still living together, but expecting to be separated soon.
So, as divorces go, it's far less dramatic than it could be. If anything, she seems to be looking forward to getting it over with and starting a new chapter. She's still sorting through some questions (of course), but it's not a constant topic of conversation, and she's hardly spoken a negative word about her husband.
Sidhedevil: I always appreciate your comments here at MeFi (you're my gold standard for Constructive Feminist Discourse), and I don't doubt that my mindset could use some adjustments. But I think you're misreading my intent. I'm concerned about her emotional state not because I want to "help" her with it (I agree that her emotions are her business), but out of sheer self-interest. Given the common dynamics of rebound relationships, and given that I already had feelings for her, I'm just wary of getting too involved, too quickly—I've made that mistake in the past, and I got hurt badly. She's free to feel and act however she likes; the precautions I mentioned are solely to protect my own interests, to avoid doing anything morally questionable, and to avoid being an unwitting doormat (another mistake I've made in the past—sorry; I'm not perfect). As for "planning a romantic future": she's instigating most of this. I'm just trying to figure out how to respond.
But I'm starting to feel more confident (thanks largely to the advice here), and I guess the question becomes: at what point do we have the "all clear" to pursue this thing without reservation? My instincts are telling me that if I'm gonna go for it, now is the moment to do it, but the whole "still married and living together" thing is a bit of a problem.
I think in your case, I'd wait until she's moved out to date her. It kinda sounds like the emotions are "done" with and thus maybe "rebound" isn't so much of an issue emotionally, but dating someone while she's still living with the husband that she hasn't filed paperwork to divorce is kinda iffy.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:41 PM on December 16, 2009
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:41 PM on December 16, 2009
I always appreciate your comments here at MeFi (you're my gold standard for Constructive Feminist Discourse), and I don't doubt that my mindset could use some adjustments. But I think you're misreading my intent. I'm concerned about her emotional state not because I want to "help" her with it (I agree that her emotions are her business), but out of sheer self-interest.
Thanks for the nice words! And sorry if I misparsed you--it's hard to grasp a lot of subtleties over the Intertubes, especially in the anonymous threads where there isn't so much back-and-forth, so sometimes I overinterpret from a small amount of information.
My instincts are telling me that if I'm gonna go for it, now is the moment to do it, but the whole "still married and living together" thing is a bit of a problem.
Yeah, your instincts are probably wrong there. It seems more logical to wait until they're not living together, at least, because "breaking up the household" is a big step in breaking up the marriage. I would encourage you to wait until divorce papers have been filed, because that's another big step, but sometimes that lags behind because of circumstantial hassles, rather than emotional baggage.
There are few things more awkward, in my own experience, than going on a date with someone whose legal spouse was still living in the house with them. (To my own credit, I honestly had no idea that that was the situation, and my mind still boggles that he didn't tell me.) It set such a weird tone that I never really enjoyed hanging out with the guy after that.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:52 PM on December 16, 2009
Thanks for the nice words! And sorry if I misparsed you--it's hard to grasp a lot of subtleties over the Intertubes, especially in the anonymous threads where there isn't so much back-and-forth, so sometimes I overinterpret from a small amount of information.
My instincts are telling me that if I'm gonna go for it, now is the moment to do it, but the whole "still married and living together" thing is a bit of a problem.
Yeah, your instincts are probably wrong there. It seems more logical to wait until they're not living together, at least, because "breaking up the household" is a big step in breaking up the marriage. I would encourage you to wait until divorce papers have been filed, because that's another big step, but sometimes that lags behind because of circumstantial hassles, rather than emotional baggage.
There are few things more awkward, in my own experience, than going on a date with someone whose legal spouse was still living in the house with them. (To my own credit, I honestly had no idea that that was the situation, and my mind still boggles that he didn't tell me.) It set such a weird tone that I never really enjoyed hanging out with the guy after that.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:52 PM on December 16, 2009
I should say here that I have gone on plenty of dates with people whose spouses were living in the house with them when they and the spouses were in open/poly marriages. The awkward situation I'm referring to was a theoretically monogamous marriage that had, in theory, ended but where neither party had moved out--I don't know if it was because of War of the Roses-style craziness or because of contingent circumstantial issues (they had a child) or what.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:54 PM on December 16, 2009
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:54 PM on December 16, 2009
Waiting until they aren't living together and have filed papers seems best. After that, don't overthink things. Do move slowly if either of you need that, but don't micromanage or plan too far ahead and make sure you both communicate openly each step of the way. My boyfriend got out of a LTR weeks after we met (it had nothing to do with me). I was worried about being 'rebound chick' when we fell for each other, but we each took things slowly for months and yet were always open with each other. We valued what was between us.
posted by cmgonzalez at 4:28 PM on December 16, 2009
posted by cmgonzalez at 4:28 PM on December 16, 2009
I think you've gotten a lot of "correct" advice here, but for what it's worth, someone in my family was in a divorce situation, became involved with someone new, and is now in a wonderful and happy marriage with that person which is stable and based on healthy factors (much moreso than the first marriage was).
So yes, it can work out for you. Don't get your head too wrapped up in formulas of how best to handle such a situation. Treat it like any other relationship situation: be the best for this person at all times, offer only what you can offer, ask for what you need, see if it works.
You can't strategize your way into a woman's heart. You can't back off now and wait because the timing's not optimal, and then move in later. Just be human, respect where she is at emotionally, find out if she is available to be with you. If she is, great. If she's not, then you can re-evaluate.
Life is short.
posted by scarabic at 6:23 PM on December 18, 2009 [2 favorites]
So yes, it can work out for you. Don't get your head too wrapped up in formulas of how best to handle such a situation. Treat it like any other relationship situation: be the best for this person at all times, offer only what you can offer, ask for what you need, see if it works.
You can't strategize your way into a woman's heart. You can't back off now and wait because the timing's not optimal, and then move in later. Just be human, respect where she is at emotionally, find out if she is available to be with you. If she is, great. If she's not, then you can re-evaluate.
Life is short.
posted by scarabic at 6:23 PM on December 18, 2009 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by dfriedman at 9:44 AM on December 16, 2009