How can I have casual/rebound sex without post-breakup guilt?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
So, a little over a month ago, my SO of 4 years dumped me for another girl ("She's just a friend! I swear!"). We were living together, and this came as a complete surprise to me, as things seemed to be going swimmingly, and we were very vocal about our love/like/satisfaction with each other and our life together. After a mere three weeks of dating her, he is basically living at her house, making unrealistic commitments to her, acting as though our relationship essentially never happened, and I am the Crazy Evil Ex from years ago, while I'm still trying to recover from the initial shock. Needless to say, I am hurt, confused, and broken, but I'm trying to stay positive and move forward in a healthy way. I'm doing my due diligence in regards to reading all the relevant BreakupFilter AskMes and heeding their advice. I'm getting out there, dancing, drinking, having fun, reconnecting with old pals, reading, writing tons, drawing, watching all my favorite movies, and trying to re-discover how awesome I am. I have some bad days, but I generally feel like I'm doing really well.
As part of my recovery process, I'm trying to get laid. I'm finding all these boys crawling out of the woodwork, saying that they've been waiting for me to be single for a long time, and they're stoked that they now have the chance to make their move; no one is more surprised by this development than me, as Mr. Gone basically trashed my self esteem, and left me feeling ugly, fat, stupid, gross, and completely unlikely to ever find anyone again.
The simple fact that these dudes are expressing interest is already doing tons to improve my self-image, but as much as I want to bang these boys, I can't help feeling like I'm cheating on Him, and it's killing my libido mid-makeout. I hooked up with an old friend who stated his years-long desire to start something with me; this is someone who I really like, am attracted to, trust, and who would make an excellent rebound pal. Not only was I not turned on by what should have been a most awesome evening of dirtiness (I was reduced to saying "Lets just cuddle!"), but now I feel extreme guilt for even thinking of going-all-the-way with someone else. Obviously this is silly, as Mr. Gone is very with someone else, having tons of excellent sex himself, and I know that he ain't coming back...but still... It just feels so wrong!
(This was my first LTR, first cohabitation, first real heartbreak, and the lack of relevant dumpee experience is annoying.)
So: This is normal, right? Is it just too soon for me to be out and about in this way? How long did it take you guys to get to the point of being cool with being with someone else, even casually?