Getting Past Embarassment

December 6, 2009 2:55 PM

How do you get past embarassment?

Asking for a friend. Friend can't handle being embarrassed. If someone were to tell Friend, however kindly and gently, something which makes him feel embarrassed, it will ruin Friend's whole night: Friend basically shuts down, can't let go, can't get past it, wants to curl up into a ball and die.

Frankly it fucking sucks for everyone involved.

How can we not let this happen?

Friend will probably discuss this with a therapist, so no need to recommend therapy here, but any practical tips or sage wisdom on how to get past embarrassment and not let it ruin your life are much welcome :).

posted by The Biggest Dreamer to Human Relations (23 answers total)

Sounds like a self-esteem issue. When I'm embarrassed about something I've done, it goes away fastest when I can admit to myself (and others, if necessary) that I made a mistake and then laugh about it-- and learn from it, if it's something worth learning form. I think this is how most people successfully deal with embarrassment, but if your self-worth's low, therapy's really the only thing that will help. Good on your friend for pursuing it.
posted by oinopaponton at 3:10 PM on December 6, 2009

I used to be like that.

Eventually, I forced myself to realize that everybody does embarrassing things from time to time and they move on just fine. Between that and coming to place less importance on what other people think of me, I got over it.

It took several months of sustained effort to change the erroneous thought patterns, but it did work. (for me)
posted by wierdo at 3:21 PM on December 6, 2009

wierdo: realize that everybody does embarrassing things from time to time and they move on just fine

This. I used to get embarrassed so much at even little things because I was worried about how much people viewed me. It took me ages to work out that everyone does stupid/embarrassing things every now and then, but it didn't affect my view of them, so why should it be different vice versa?
posted by Petrot at 3:25 PM on December 6, 2009

This isn't an "embarassment" problem, it's confidence and self esteem.

The easiest way to look at it is - it's not the transgression that people will judge, it's how you handle it. Crap things happen to everyone, 99% of people you encounter can smile and move on - go with them. It's the strange behaviour afterwards that will give people cause to think twice about you.
posted by fire&wings at 3:28 PM on December 6, 2009

Tell him to keep in mind the harsg but liberating fact that he is only the star of his oen life. To others, he's a supporting character at best, which means that even if they noticed the embarrassing event, they'll forget all about it as soon as sonething mildly interesting but centered around THEM THEM THEM!!! happens.

Unless of course he drags it out with moping and curling into a ball, thus establishing a subplot about him being awkward. If he laughs it iff with everyone else, on the other hand, the setpiece ends neatly and everyone can move on to the next main event, ORDERING A BEER, starring ME, directed by ME, etc.
posted by No-sword at 3:49 PM on December 6, 2009

Ask him if he can remember all the things other people have done or said to embarrass themselves in the past. It might help him realize this stuff always seems way bigger to yourself than it does to everyone else.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 3:54 PM on December 6, 2009

Learning to laugh at yourself is hugely helpful. So is reminding yourself that nobody cares about the embarrassing thing you've done as much as you do. When's the last time your friend saw someone completely embarrass themselves? Did your friend want to laugh? Was he/she still thinking about it five minutes later? Probably not, and neither is anyone else.
posted by katillathehun at 3:56 PM on December 6, 2009

Maybe tell him that moping and curling into a ball over some perceived embarrassment is way more embarrassing than whatever it was he did in the first place?

We all have our embarrassing pratfalls. The trick is to realize that most of the time, no one else even noticed. And if they did, so what? You'll catch them with their pants down soon enough. Welcome to the human race.
posted by balls at 4:11 PM on December 6, 2009

My mom always taught me growing up that you should be the first to laugh at the embarrassing thing you've done. Recognize the absurdity in it, how wonderful it is that you have self-awareness and the ability to improve, that silly things you do often make fabulous stories later. This past summer while with friends, I overcorrected on a picnic bench and toppled over backwards; I burst out laughing BEFORE I hit the ground. I blushed a little, but the laughter defused everything, and we moved forward with a fun story to tell.
posted by sarahsynonymous at 4:26 PM on December 6, 2009

I think it would be helpful for your friend to research shame, self-esteem, and reflect on his childhood. I would encourage him to reflect on how he was parented. Did his parents give love with conditions? Were they overly concerned with how they were viewed? Did they ignore him or abuse him in any way? Sometimes we abuse our kids without even knowing we are doing it (i.e. not giving them choices, forcing them into activities they don't want to pursue, hovering, etc.) This debilitating embarrassment might be a cover for intense feelings of shame.

It takes work but he needs to come to the realization that he is good enough. When he comes to this realization he will have absolute freedom and will no longer become easily embarrassed.
posted by Fairchild at 4:29 PM on December 6, 2009

You can help that friend by telling a funny/embarrassing story to the group in their presence- get everyone laughing at someone else's funny poo story or whatever. Also encourage the friend to tell a funny story about their own thing. And if they're brave enough to do that, then make sure to touch them right after- an arm over their shoulder and some extra attention- to make sure they viscerally understand that people love them when they're fallible.
posted by twistofrhyme at 5:00 PM on December 6, 2009

I've done something thoughtless/stupid/wildly inappropriate/geeky, instead of walling in self-recrimination and self-pity, I always tell myself that I might as well apologize all around and get over it because I'm bound to do something even more idiotic soon.

Perhaps you could say this to your friend? Does friend have a sense of humor at all?
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:49 PM on December 6, 2009

This sounds like the sort of issue that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy could really help with. She just needs to learn to recognize the patterns that put her mind into that rut, and what patterns can bring her out.
posted by alms at 5:58 PM on December 6, 2009

Eventually, I forced myself to realize that everybody does embarrassing things from time to time and they move on just fine.

It's not so much the realization that everyone does it that I've always found helpful, but the fact that no one really gives a shit. People's lives are full of millions of big and tiny concerns, and dwelling on someone's gaffes is roughly on par with worrying about how the toothpaste tasted that morning (unless they are obsessive and mean-spirited jerks, in which case lose their company). The world does not revolve around us or our embarrassments; we are the only ones who can blow them out of proportion.
posted by Behemoth at 6:04 PM on December 6, 2009

I tend to be this way. For me the only thing that really helps me get past it is time. It sucks because since it was a traumatic event at the time, I never really forget embarrassing moments, but after awhile I no longer feel the "ohmygodIcan'tbelievethathappened!" sensation. It also helps to remind yourself that the other people involved have probably forgotten about it by now, and/or remind yourself how many embarrassing things they've done in the past.
posted by biochemist at 6:10 PM on December 6, 2009

I think most of the advice that's been posted applies to silly things, where there is some humor and it's true that nobody really cares. But there are situations where something I've done is truly embarrassing, and people are going to remember it and think a little worse of me. Inadvertent, unintentionally offensive comments are what I can remember now, but there's other things too.

In these situations, I end up trapped in a lesser version of your friend's emotional state until I can figure out a lesson to learn from the situation. In situations where he's made a serious blunder, it might help him to redirect his agonizing over the situation towards trying to evaluate what caused him to do something stupid and how he can improve in the future. Personally, I find that it's easier to do this than to try to force my mind away from the situation completely.
posted by vogon_poet at 6:22 PM on December 6, 2009

fire&wings is right on the money.

Let me offer three quotations that have helped me with this problem:

Remember you are just an extra in everyone else's play.
-- Stewart Emery

Knowing what goes on behind my placid exterior, I have a strong suspicion of what goes on behind yours.
-- Richard Needham

You probably wouldn't worry so much about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
-- Olin Miller
posted by bryon at 8:03 PM on December 6, 2009

I think it's a hyper-sensitivity issue. The person feels the embarrassment acutely, relives it, exaggerates it. My sister goes into agonies over minor (to everyone else) embarrassments. If someone really can't let go, I'd investigate Obsessive-compulsive disorder. I'm fairly sensitive to all sorts of emotional issues, and have learned that embarrassment 1. happens to pretty much everybody 2. won't kill me 3. if I've made an ass of myself and caused someone else a problem, sincere apologies can help.
posted by theora55 at 8:34 PM on December 6, 2009

There's an Iain Banks quote along the lines of, "You wouldn't worry so much about what people think of you, if you realized how rarely they do."
posted by ErikaB at 9:09 PM on December 6, 2009

I forgot who originally said this but I always repeat it to myself before, or after, I make a fool of myself...
"We'll all be dead in 100 years and nobody will care"
posted by Redmond Cooper at 12:18 AM on December 7, 2009

Oddly, I suspect friend is actually angry at the person who embarrassed him but, for various reasons (e.g. he was told "gently") can't process this. He thus turns the anger against himself. He needn't express this anger, which may be inappropriate, but he needs to become conscious of it.
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:27 AM on December 7, 2009

At some point I realized how much self-importance it takes to feel embarrassed. Things are still embarrassing sometimes, but it helps drive home the idea that it's only in your own head.
posted by cmoj at 9:19 AM on December 7, 2009

I have your friend's same problem, although probably not as acute. But I'm highly sensitive and I embarrass easily. I can carry the memory of the embarrassment for years, it's awful.

Audio hypnosis specifically focused on self-esteem worked for me. I went to audible.com for the various audios (about $10 per download, and I have a variety of them now). Your friend can use the advanced search, put "hypnosis" in the keywords, and select "speeches" as the type of audio.

The first few months I listened as often as once or twice a day, lying down in a quiet room (each audio is usually about 20 minutes long). Then gradually as I got better and became more confident/comfortable, I reduced that to a couple of times a week, then a couple of times a month, and now I only go to the audio when I'm feeling panicky and embarrassed or insecure -- perhaps two or three times a year.

The change for me was remarkable.
posted by anonyme at 2:42 PM on December 7, 2009