Be alone for the next six month, or...?

November 28, 2009 11:11 PM

Do I bear-up being alone for the next six months to a year, or...?

So, tonight I've just finished hosting a wine and cheese party for three couples. I am not part of a couple. I haven't had a significant long-term relationship since college (significant being longer lasting that two months). This is mostly due to the fact that I gained a lot of weight after college. I've lost about 40 lbs in the last year, but I need to lose another 40-50 lbs before I'm close to my ideal body weight.

I'm sick of being the single person in the group. What can I do? I'm now in my early 30's, and feel like I've reached the point where I'm ready for a long-term, mature relationship. However, realistically, I'm still fairly overweight.

The ideal situation would be if I could find a (female) partner who could see me through the next 6-12 months of weight loss (someone who might want to lose weight with me?). I'm not looking for an international supermodel. Is this realistic? Where could I find someone who can go through this with me, or do I just need to hang in until I reach a desirable BMI before I begin to look for a date?

I feel like there must be other lonely people struggling with the same issues. Where do I find them?

I'm a nice guy. I have a lot of interesting hobbies. I care about my friends, and I'm looking for a long-term commitment. Perhaps I'm just a little discouraged tonight. Hope me, Metafilter.

posted by paulg to human relations (42 comments total)

40lbs from your ideal is not much. I think you're more concerned with this than any likely dating partners will be, probably because it was a bigger deal (no pun) before.

(That is, anyone who rejects you over something that shallow and minor isn't someone you really want to be seeking an LTR with, anyway. That might be how one rejects one-night stands, but not real dating.)

So in short: forget about the weight. Just start dating now, keep working on losing it if you like, but don't make it an obsession. And for god's sake: do NOT talk about it with the woman. Act like you're a -40lb you already.
posted by rokusan at 11:15 PM on November 28, 2009

Previously

While this guy already found a girl who likes him and you haven't, pretty much everything in that thread applies. Just go find yourself a girl ;)
posted by missmagenta at 11:17 PM on November 28, 2009

Embarrassed footnote: okay, well, according to this online calculator thingie, I'm 25-30lbs over my "ideal" weight myself, so maybe I'm not so unbiased here. Blush.

But, heck, I still get hit on more than is really necessary, so the advice stands: that much weight doesn't matter.

(Also, I guess I need to find a gym. Sigh.)
posted by rokusan at 11:17 PM on November 28, 2009

If people waited until they were at an "ideal" weight, whatever that is, in order to date, no one would ever date anyone. So, date as the person you are right now, and continue on working towards your goals.
posted by crankylex at 11:30 PM on November 28, 2009 [2 favorites]

Is it possible to find someone in an activity group (through Meetup.com, maybe?) who's interested in whatever physical activity you're doing to lose and maintain weight? Maybe you could meet someone who is close to your level of running/weight training/rock climbing/whatever, and go from there?
posted by padraigin at 11:38 PM on November 28, 2009

You think you really get a choice in all this? Whether you're 40 pounds overweight or anorexic, it's not like you're immediately gonna find a partner to be with the second you decide you want someone. And no matter what weight you are, if you decide to be alone you might still meet someone who will make you change your mind about that.

Keep on being yourself, keep on hanging out with your friends (couples or not, you can't help who your friends are!), and keep on working towards your weight goal. If you meet someone, then you'll meet someone regardless of BMI.

Good luck!
posted by KateHasQuestions at 11:38 PM on November 28, 2009 [3 favorites]

Hmm. I did look at that question. Maybe this is just a waist of an Ask, and I'm really looking for an at-a-boy-keep-it-up, but subjectively it seems a lot harder to initiate some sort of (internet?) dating campaign with people I don't know.

Are you now, or have you been in a position where you're willing to date someone who is either (a) significantly heavier than you but committed to losing weight, or (b) you are overweight and successfully dated someone who was also losing weight?

I'm lonely, and I'm tired of it, but as a practical matter I don't know where to go next. If the answer is that, without a few existing prospects, I don't have much of a chance to couple-up until I'm happy with my weight, then I can accept it, but it's been a long slog, and I'm ready for company.
posted by paulg at 11:44 PM on November 28, 2009

Don't worry about the weight. Slim down for health reasons or to make yourself feel better, but don't do it because you think it's the only way to get a girlfriend. Personally, a confident and overweight guy is way more appealing than a fit guy with body issues. Start dating now.
posted by lilac girl at 11:51 PM on November 28, 2009 [2 favorites]

Are you now, or have you been in a position where you're willing to date someone who is either (a) significantly heavier than you but committed to losing weight

I, a healthy not-overweight female, am currently in a long-term relationship with a man who is a/ significantly heavier than me (much more than 40lbs overweight), and b/ not that committed to losing weight though he talks about it periodically. He was this way when I met him although I was heavier - I've lost about 40lbs in the three years we've been together, he hasn't lost any.

The number on your scale only has as much to do with dating as you let it; being happy and confident with yourself is much, much sexier than being a specific weight.
posted by rhapsodie at 11:56 PM on November 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

I looked at your profile since all of your social life comes down to your environment. It looks like you're in the outer suburbs, which is good that you're around people, but bad in the respect that the suburbs are kind of isolating in their own way unlike the big city. I think the best thing you can do right now is (1) NOT worry about the problem, just do what you need to for its own sake, (2) try not to get stuck in a rut -- mix up your routine every few weeks and go to different meetups/activities/etc, and (3) diligently stick to your goal... and you're fortunate that you have this kind of good motivation to help you along. It really is true that the less you worry about this the better off you'll be, as nothing chills a potential relationship like neediness or desperation. If you can be happy now and content with your progress, you'll have more cards in your hand as you do #2 and #3 above.

And not to turn this into dietfilter but I've been having great luck with portion control, water, avoiding breads/sugars/processed/comfort foods, and just eating small meals when I need it rather than according to schedule/habit, and having distractions from food, and it works better than anything else. Maybe that will give you some ideas. If you can do that and stick to it, you'll be halfway there -- and it's part of how those active entrepreneurial types stay trim.
posted by crapmatic at 11:59 PM on November 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

do I just need to hang in until I reach a desirable BMI before I begin to look for a date

Joining the chorus: there is no ideal weight for love. It's not the weight on your body that is holding you back from love it's the weight on your mind - the self talk that tells you are not lovable as you are right now. Ditch that dead weight quick smart!

Where could I find someone who can go through this with me?

Weight watchers. Seriously. The groups will support you, you will be on the best side of a male/female ratio imbalance, and there will be women there who know that you are not your weight!

I've had skinny boyfriends, fit and taut boyfriends, and overweight boyfriends. My beautiful man now is about 50lbs over his ideal (as in what he was at 20yrs old) weight, and he is the most delicious man to cuddle I've ever got nekkid with. I know he has to lose some weight for his health but he certainly doesn't need to lose weight to be attractive or sexy.

Nor do you.
posted by Kerasia at 12:02 AM on November 29, 2009 [2 favorites]

Nthing don't sweat the weight - I lost 30 pounds this year and am getting close to an ideal BMI. Still as single as I was when I was rotund. All you need is confidence and a winning personality - I have neither :-)
posted by porn in the woods at 12:08 AM on November 29, 2009 [2 favorites]

Are you now, or have you been in a position where you're willing to date someone who is either (a) significantly heavier than you but committed to losing weight

More than once, and I am married to someone who fits this description. It's not so hard in my case until my mid 30's I was 147 lb and 6'5" and I'm not sure I would have wanted to restrict my dating pool in this way even if I cared.

Committed to losing weight? I want someone with a healthy self-image who knows how to enjoy their body, that's what counts, inside the bed and out.

When I was dating an obsession with diet was a red light (not for the food but the baggage that can come with it) and became something of a deal breaker.
posted by tallus at 12:09 AM on November 29, 2009 [2 favorites]

All the excellent diet advice here is good, but, but.... You have got to get your weight out of your head. Being in a relationship is about being with someone else. It's not all about you anymore. So, instead of worrying about your weight so much, try this strategy instead. Go out and find stuff to do (that is not food-related, at least at first, anyway). Like to bowl? Go bowling. Into animal rescue? Go to your nearest shelter and volunteer to help with the homeless doggies and kitties there. Like to read? Dance? Act? Hike? Study? Paint? Take pictures? Go forth and do these things, because firstly, they will help make you happy and secondly, take your mind off the quest for munchies. Thirdly, you will meet others who like to do the things you do, which is a pretty good way to start off relationships, if you think about it. Win, win, win. Enjoy and good luck!
posted by Lynsey at 12:09 AM on November 29, 2009

There's this TV ad - bear with me as I rarely watch TV - but I'm pretty sure I saw it back when I was living in South Africa a year or two ago. I think it was for a bank, for some reason - but my youtubefu is failing me. Anyway, the ad is like a National Geographic-style documentary-shot of a wide-open, hilly area, and there's a herd of stampeding people (not animals). Its pretty well shot - just a bunch of normal people running in a huge group over these hills - sometimes with a group splitting off into a new direction, still stampeding.

Life is like that, I think. We're all running. We are part of the herd, just trying to keep up with frenetic pace.

Focus on that. Keep running (figuratively). Keep exercising and watching your diet - keep pursuing your weight-loss goals (but for yourself and your own quality of life, not for anyone else). Keep exploring your hobbies. Keep hosting wine and cheese parties, keep socially active. Sometimes the stampede gets wearisome, and yes, even though in a herd, sometimes it is quite lonely.

But then, sometimes, you might be at full bore, but you glance to your side and there's some svelte young thing running along side of you. Then you just give her a little wave. How you doin?

You'll be fine, dude. I'm in my early 30's and alone too. Just keep it up, things will change. I think it was Hemmingway who said that the most important thing he had learned about life could be summed up in 3 words: it goes on.

Keep running.
posted by allkindsoftime at 12:10 AM on November 29, 2009 [5 favorites]

Whoa! If you are convinced that your weight and BMI are the primary criteria determining your desirability as a partner, your vision of partners is pretty distorted. You would have to be extraordinarily shallow to choose your mate on that basis. You need to focus on what defines you as a person and, whatever you may focus on, what defines you damn sure isn't being a little overweight.

If you are looking for a person who would choose you because of your weight/BMI, forgive my comments.
posted by uncaken at 12:29 AM on November 29, 2009

Just because you're skinny doesn't mean you're going to get dates.
posted by mattsweaters at 4:12 AM on November 29, 2009 [2 favorites]

You've gotten a lot of great advice here, but I just want to chime in with: it's all about the way you present yourself and the confidence you show.

Sometimes when people are in the middle of weight loss, they often don't want to get snazzy threads until they lose all the weight, and will wear baggy things that don't do them any favors, sexy-wise. So get some nice duds to wear.

If you do meet someone and go on dates, just be confident and whatever you do, don't get into your weight loss journey. I once went on a date with a completely reasonable looking guy weight-wise but he had on the baggy khakis and dress shirt and I heard all about how he was halfway to his weight loss goal. It was pretty boring.

Good luck.
posted by dzaz at 4:40 AM on November 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

fwiw, you probably wouldn't want to date someone who would dump you for gaining 40 pounds, so why assume that needing to lose 40 disqualifies you from the dating pool? unless you are looking for the shallowest, dullest woman on earth, in which case nothing we say will matter.

very few people are actually beautiful. most attractive people are normal-looking, but have charm and confidence and style. work on your weight because it's good for your health and confidence, but what's going to get you through the long run is your brain and your heart. learn how to dress well--not expensively, just go shopping with someone who knows about this stuff and learn what fits and what doesn't, and then keep that stuff neat and cared-for. invest in good grooming--a good haircut, good hygiene, good skin and clean nails.

have stuff to talk about. read books, see movies, learn something. do things you can talk about later--travel, volunteer, join a rugby team. if you can't stop thinking about your weight, get thee to a therapist. yes, really. at the end of your life, when you look back, you're not going to thank yourself for spending so much of your time on earth worried about your weight.
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:33 AM on November 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'd easily be classified as slim or athletic. I'm also the single one of the group, and physically in better shape than most of my married friends.

Your weight shouldn't matter all that much. Date, lose weight, you can bring up that you've been eating healthier and exercising more, if it comes up. Your dates can interpret that as they want.
posted by backwards guitar at 5:35 AM on November 29, 2009

Where could I find someone

OkCupid.

Like others have said:

1. 40 lbs is not really a huge deal
2. Even if you don't lose the weight ever, there is still someone for you.
3. The way you're going to find that person is by looking for that person.

Just being yourself, while awesome all-around general life advice, sort of offers no help in actually meeting and dating people. The problem is it's fairly difficult in normal everyday actions to meet someone, casually determine that they're interested in dating, narrow down that they're interested in dating you, and then effectively wording an invite to some kind of first date. This is especially complicated if you've known the person for a while. "Picking up" women while overweight can be difficult if you are exteremely aware and self-conscious of that weight. In addition, the pick up scene is very focused on outward appearances first.

Online dating offers the following advantages:

1. People will judge on appearance, but are much more likely to use other factors as well
2. The people on dating sites very clearly want to date others, and it is safe to ask them point blank if they are interested in dating you, since this is expected behavior on the site.

I've used a few dating websites in the past (happily married, now). OkCupid is the best by far. It's certainly miles better than eHarmony, at least as good or better than many of its competitors, and it's completely and entirely free. Answer as many questions you have time for, and answer them honestly, and the perfect match for you will bubble up to the top. Now, I may be biased, because I met my wife on OkCupid.
posted by Deathalicious at 5:57 AM on November 29, 2009

Are you now, or have you been in a position where you're willing to date someone who is either (a) significantly heavier than you but committed to losing weight, or (b) you are overweight and successfully dated someone who was also losing weight?

I'm a female at the lower end of the BMI for my height, married to a man who is more than 40 lbs. overweight. Personally I like larger guys. A lot of women I know really don't care if a guy is overweight. It just isn't that big of a deal to us. If a guy is exercising and eating right but still has a little extra weight, I think you'll find that most women totally sympathize. However I do find it extremely unattractive to hear a guy whining about his weight. I recommend that you not mention your weight loss goals to any prospective dates. If you are really looking for somebody to lose weight with, maybe you could go onto Craigslist and advertise for a workout buddy. It might start out platonic, but you would be meeting new people.
posted by TooFewShoes at 5:58 AM on November 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

I've been overweight my whole life; someone wonderful loves me.
There's no right way (or right weight) to date. You just have to go out there (whatever 'out there' means to you: for me it was online dating, for some people it's chatting up strangers in a bar or produce section) and do it. I know it's hard (my goodness, do I know), but get out there. If you wait for all the stoplights to be green at the same time, you'll never get across town. Just go one intersection at a time.
posted by willpie at 6:43 AM on November 29, 2009

Are you now, or have you been in a position where you're willing to date someone who is either (a) significantly heavier than you but committed to losing weight, or (b) you are overweight and successfully dated someone who was also losing weight?

As a heterosexual woman who has never been significantly overweight, I have (several times) happily dated men who were somewhat to significantly overweight -- and who actually had little interest in losing said weight. As others have already said, the weight is really not the barrier here. For some women it will be, just as for some men my height or hair color or shape would be a turn-off -- but this is so far from a universal obstacle that fixating on this supposed barrier is creating more problems than the weight itself.

40lbs from your ideal is really not so much. But this is beside the point. The real news is that it doesn't matter that you're overweight, whether by 10lbs, 40lbs, or 80lbs. What matters is how you are meeting people and how you're presenting yourself to those people. If you are an interesting, interested, well-rounded, kind, and confident fellow who is enjoyable to be around, you're going to find someone who wants to be around you, whether you're 40lbs in one direction or the other. Just make sure you're getting out there to find her.
posted by tigerbelly at 7:31 AM on November 29, 2009

A guy who was wooing me complained all the time that he was fat.

It was true that he has a few extra pounds.

The weight didn't bother me, but the whining was a total turn off. (see also: self fulfilling prophecy.)

I want someone confident in the sack. If you're not comfortable in your clothes, I'm left assuming that we have to have sex with the lights off, before you've even asked for a date. And I know I'm not the only woman who wants to have the visual aspect of sex at least some of the time. Sure, assumptions aren't fair, but it's less awkward to turn down the first date. I have my own body issues from being underweight (according to the charts, healthy though) and people (strangers, acquaintences!) tell me all the time they're going to fatten me up.

But also, it's a shame thing. Body shame is so often displaced shame about something else. So when I'm confronted with a shame script, I wonder (perhaps unfairly) if this potential partner is going to aim that shame at me, and over what behaviors.

Since I'm so protective of myself, I avoid people I don't feel comfortable around.

So, build your confidence (may I suggest rock climbing or kayaking? I find those two sports incredibly hot!) and broaden your social activities.
posted by bilabial at 7:40 AM on November 29, 2009 [3 favorites]

You're very focused on your weight, which is reasonable, and you're making great progress at dealing with it - congratulations. I believe your odds of happiness will be increased if you reduce your focus on your weight and a potential partner's weight, and focus on other qiualities

I'm ready for a long-term, mature relationship.
partner who could see me through the next 6-12 months of weight loss
I feel like there must be other lonely people struggling with the same issues.
I'm a nice guy. I have a lot of interesting hobbies. I care about my friends,

There's a slight feeling that you're looking for a temporary partner, who might not make the cut when your weight is gone. A partner isn't a commodity. Look at people in healthy relationships, think about the qualities you offer, and the qualities you want, and get on the personal sites, as well as making sure your friends introduce you to nice people. Good luck.
posted by theora55 at 7:48 AM on November 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

Maybe theora55 and I are reading it wrong, but your post almost reads like you are looking for someone that will date you while you're losing weight, and that you'll be able to trade-in once you've lost the weight. That's probably not what you mean, but if you post anything similar in a personal ad, I bet a lot of people could read it that way.
Look around in a public place one day. Are the only couples made up of skinny people? No, not by a long shot. Obviously heavier people are able to find mates, too. One thing, though, is that it would be a bit hypocritical for you to rule out dating any women who are overweight, even if you plan on losing weight. People are people, not dating categories.
posted by ishotjr at 8:22 AM on November 29, 2009

There's a slight feeling that you're looking for a temporary partner, who might not make the cut when your weight is gone.

That's not the case. I could have phrased it better.
posted by paulg at 8:28 AM on November 29, 2009

If you talk about yourself as if you are less worthy of romantic relationships due to your weight, you're not just judging yourself but also implying that someone worth your time now wouldn't be worth your time if she gained 40 lbs, or that a woman who is somewhat overweight isn't going to be worth your time until she loses weight.

I don't mean to be harsh, and I suspect you're harder on yourself than you are on others, but I think that this is what women are going to hear unless you find a way to accept yourself as you are right now. It'll be great for your health if you lose those next 40 lbs, but what if, a year later, you're back up by 30 lbs? You need to really truly believe that the person you are--the nice guy with interesting hobbies who cares about his friends--is a valuable individual worthy of happy, loving, and fun relationships. (I really didn't mean for that to sound like a Dr. Phil moment... I just mean: you're going to be you for the rest of your life, and you may lose weight and you may gain weight, but who you are isn't going to change.)
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:57 AM on November 29, 2009 [3 favorites]

I dead seriously have historically had way better luck finding a girlfriend when I weighed more though I have no idea why this is. I laughed the other day when I found myself thinking that maybe I should pack some more pounds on to reach maximal cuddliness because that's what seems to work for me. Luckily for us big dudes women are pretty forgiving when it comes to body image standards, though it does help to know how to rock your bigness.
posted by The Straightener at 9:09 AM on November 29, 2009

The ideal situation would be if I could find a (female) partner who could see me through the next 6-12 months of weight loss (someone who might want to lose weight with me?). I'm not looking for an international supermodel. Is this realistic?

I've seen tons (no pun intended) of heavy guys with women. I don't know why it would be unrealistic for you to find someone.
posted by jayder at 9:22 AM on November 29, 2009

As some of you may have guessed, I posted this last night after a few too many glasses of wine. I'm embarrassed, but appreciate everyone's answers. In real life, I don't dwell on my weight as much as the tags on my Metafilter profile might suggest (and it's not something that I would rattle on about to a date).

I know confidence is important for dating. I have a realistic view of my own merits and deficiencies. I was thinking about this not so much as a confidence problem, but as an issue of fairness—that if my weight makes me unhappy, it's not fair ask a prospective partner to be OK with it. The weight stands out as such a problem to me because, apart from that, I'm reasonably happy with myself. Confidence shouldn't be synonymous with faking happiness about aspects of yourself that actually make you unhappy. That seems dishonest, and hence unfair.

When I talked in my question about finding someone who is also trying to lose weight, it wasn't because I was looking for a temporary throw-away partner, but because sharing dissatisfaction with our weight would be more fair to both of us.

I guess it sounds a little neurotic when I articulate it like that.
posted by paulg at 9:28 AM on November 29, 2009

I would date a fat person. (I'm not a huge fan of the term "overweight." What weight are you over? It's your weight, it's not "over" anything, it just is.) I would not, however, date a person who talked about his weight-loss diet in front of me. I don't make friends with women who want to tell me how many calories are in cheesecake, and I wouldn't date a man who did that. I just don't need that in my life, and many, many women feel the same way. (Of course, there are also many women, and some men, who love talking about how to make no-carb bread or commiserating about the fact that they have to run an extra 5 miles today for the sin of eating M&Ms. But I tend to think that those people are boring, and perhaps a bit dysfunctional.)

It's fine to talk about aspects of yourself that make you unhappy once you're in a committed relationship, but early dating is not the place for that stuff, and you can't project your issues onto other people. In the same way that you wouldn't bring up on the first date being unsure whether you're over your last relationship, or the fact that your mother is hell-on-wheels, or the psychotropic medications you're on, you shouldn't draw attention to issues about your body that make you insecure until the relationship is serious. That's not dishonesty; that's simply declining to burden a virtual stranger with your problems.
posted by decathecting at 10:24 AM on November 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

I also highly recommend The Fantasy of Being Thin. It talks about the idea, prevalent among people who are unhappy with their bodies, that changing your weight will fix other problems in your life, such as confidence and romantic appeal. Bottom line: changing your weight will not do anything except make the number on the scale lower and perhaps put you in a different pants size. So if you want to overcome those other issues, you have to work on fixing those issues at the weight you are right now, and treat your weight as separate from anything else going on in your life.
posted by decathecting at 10:28 AM on November 29, 2009 [2 favorites]

Are you now, or have you been in a position where you're willing to date someone who is either (a) significantly heavier than you but committed to losing weight, or (b) you are overweight and successfully dated someone who was also losing weight?

Data point for you: I'm a single, curvy, size-16 woman in my early forties. I have dated people with a very wide range of body types. All kinds of bodies can be beautiful and sexy. Attitude is the key. I am most attracted to people who are comfortable in their own skin and don't apologize for their size, whatever that size may be. Aesthetically speaking, I tend to find large people very hot and desirable, especially if they shamelessly revel in all that glorious flesh and know how to thoroughly enjoy their bodies.

Eat right, exercise, and care for your health, no matter what your weight may be...but don't postpone dating and romance until you're at an ideal weight. You are worthy of respect and lasting love at any size.

On preview: What decathecting said.
posted by velvet winter at 11:12 AM on November 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

I am friends with a 350 pound man who's dating a very attractive 110 pound woman. The guy admits he isn't proud of his weight, but he's kind and a good listener and fun to be around and doesn't talk badly about himself too much (he has the occasional day where he complains about it, but most of the time he doesn't). 40 pounds is nothing if you're fun and sweet to her! So keep taking care of yourself, both mentally and physically, and go find yourself a nice lady to hang out with!
posted by twistofrhyme at 11:26 AM on November 29, 2009

When I first met my husband, he was overweight, had a weird beard and scraggly Penn Jilette hair and I wouldn't date him because I just wasn't into him in that way. Almost 16 years later, he's everything I want in a guy. He's overweight with a great haircut and no evil hipster beard.

A truly long term relationship means, sure, you may lose 40 lbs. You may gain it back. You may gain 80 lbs. You may lose your hair, wrinkle and sag. She may lose weight, gain weight, sag, wrinkle. If you pick a girl who only likes you at your ideal weight, you're not looking for a long term relationship, really. Even if you maintain the weight, you don't want to fear that if you gain 5 lbs. she's gone. Or resent her when she's not the ideal woman, because, hey, you lost 80 lbs. for her!

Be awesome. Hit dating sites. Take the pressure off if you'd like by considering it "getting good at dating" until you're at your ideal weight. And don't be surprised if the girl that gets you the best is someone who's not at her ideal weight. After all, you know what it's like to not have confidence. And guys who aren't as nice/awesome as you are passing those sorts of amazing people by.
posted by Gucky at 11:44 AM on November 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

Millions of people fatter than you are happily married.

And millions of people at their "goal weight" are unhappily single.

Let go of the Fantasy of Being Thin and live your life now, not in some imaginary future.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:12 PM on November 29, 2009 [4 favorites]

It might help to remind yourself that lots of women (and I speak personally here) get turned on not because the guy looks perfect, but because he makes HER feel attractive. It can be much more important to the overall sexy dynamic than the guy's looks. I personally have never wanted my guy to be prettier than me. Make her feel irresistible and you will be looking very good.
posted by fullofragerie at 4:29 PM on November 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

Hi, I'm a single woman about your age. I'm also fat -- well, what people in the fat acceptance movement call an "inbetweenie", which translates into needing to lose about as much weight as you to be at an "ideal" weight. (I tend to assume that when someone says "ideal weight" they really mean "socially acceptable body size".

If I were out looking for dates right now, I would steer clear of anyone who said they were looking for a partner that would also be a weight loss buddy. I've dated guys who fit that description before, and it never ended well -- inevitably they'd start policing my food intake and workout regimen, criticising me for not losing weight fast enough for them, and talking about nothing but weight loss and diets and workouts and BMI and fat/muscle ratios and supplements and being just deathly boring. I've also been the deathly boring girlfriend who only talked about my diet and my weight loss efforts, and frankly neither side of the equation is any fun. If you really need support right now for your weight loss goals, I think you'd be better off finding a workout or diet buddy apart from finding dates. Have you thought about joining SparkPeople?

There is no reason that you can't have a successful dating life right now. You just need to let go of the assumption that you need to lose weight to have a partner. If someone wouldn't date you now because of your weight, why would you ever want to date them?

Many people have already pointed out that people of all sizes find love every day -- I'd like to point you toward the Museum of Fat Love. Seeing pictures of happy people in loving relationships regardless of their weight has really helped me get over the idea that I need to have a perfect body to be in a relationship.
posted by palomar at 9:30 PM on November 29, 2009 [2 favorites]

So, tonight I've just finished hosting a wine and cheese party for three couples. I am not part of a couple.

I'm sick of being the single person in the group. What can I do?

I don't have a problem with dating someone who wants to loose 40 pounds, but I would not date someone with this attitude. It sounds like you are more concerned with someone, anyone, who will present well to your friends.

I'm more concerned with dating someone that I really like to be around and spend time with, that I can have a good intellectual connection with, who I think is looking for that too. Being slightly overweight, where it doesn't affect the activities you can participate in, doesn't really come into it.

I feel like there must be other lonely people struggling with the same issues. Where do I find them?

There seems to be many desperately lonely women who feel that "having a boyfriend" and being part of a couple is more important than what the guy's personal qualities are. I don't know if they centralize where they hang out.

On the other hand, it can wear on you to be completely surrounded by happy couples. (or unhappy couples who have partnered up so they won't be "the single one") Get these people to bring some friends next time, not 'women who want to date you', just singles of any gender or sexual orientation.
posted by yohko at 9:20 AM on November 30, 2009

Paulg, thanks for the clarification. I did believe you when you said you were a nice guy _smiley_. I do still think you would be more successful at a relationship with less focus on weight.
posted by theora55 at 11:46 AM on November 30, 2009