Should a parent mention their bisexual past to their gay teen?

November 7, 2009 10:30 AM

My 14-yo son has recently come out to me as gay. Should I share anything about the "experimental" phase of my youth?

Although I've had inklings for a while, my 14-yo son recently decided to come out to me as gay. He's apparently been questioning his sexuality as early as 5th grade, and by 7th-8th grade was pretty convinced and has shared this information with a few close friends.

We live in an extremely liberal community, and he doesn't seem to be "struggling" or having concerns about the sexuality aspect itself--his friends have been supportive and accepting. The recent coming-out was, I believe, precipitated by some unpleasantness involving unrequited feelings for a friend of his.

I am wondering if it is now or ever would be appropriate to bring up my own sexuality history, in which my first "serious" relationship in late high school/early college was with a woman (and there was some minor sexual experimentation with a previous female best friend when we were 13-14). I ultimately realized I wasn't strongly sexually attracted to "women" per se--only my best friends--and have not had any lesbian relationships in the intervening 22 years.

On the one hand, I suppose parental sexuality of any sort is something that falls into the category of "the less said, the better" for most kids. On the other hand, it wouldn't seem outrageous or inappropriate to mention the mere existence of previous heterosexual relationships during that phase of my life, would it?

I guess part of my motivation might be to offer a gesture reciprocating the enormous amount of trust and confidence that my son has offered me by coming out in the first place. On yet another hand, I also understand that parent-child relationships are not always meant to be reciprocal in certain regards.

Other details: my husband is aware of this history; I've not told anyone else in my family. I am still casual friends with the woman in question, who maintained a bisexual lifestyle for quite a bit longer, although she trended more hetero over the years and has been in a straight (now married) relationship with the same man for the past 10 years or so. My son knows her and they converse on topics of mutual interest from time to time. Sort of a long-distance "cool pseudo-aunt" relationship. It is, of course, theoretically possible to mention that I once was in a lesbian relationship without naming names.

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posted by anonymous to human relations (74 comments total)

I wouldn't. While I understand that sharing this information comes from such an awesome place of "This is how I can show you that I completely accept you", it may actually come across as "I once thought I was gay and then straightened out and you will too." What you say to your 14 year old son and what he hears can be two very different things. I'd wait until he's older if telling him is important to you.
posted by meerkatty at 10:35 AM on November 7 [35 favorites has favorites]

It's really, really cool that you're able to accept your son as he is-- many parents, even well-intentioned ones, end up making their gay children feel rejected.

That said, it is the rare kid, gay or straight, who can handle a story about his parent's sexuality in a way other than "Ewwww! Moooommmmm!"
posted by oinopaponton at 10:36 AM on November 7 [12 favorites has favorites]

As long as you telling him won't be perceived as encouraging him to believe his sexuality is a phase, I don't see what it would hurt.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:37 AM on November 7 [2 favorites has favorites]

Maybe tell him when he's older so it's not so "eww, I don't want to hear about my mom's sexuality." That's a weird age, gay, or straight.
posted by ishotjr at 10:38 AM on November 7

Um, really? Parental sexuality falls into the category of "the less said, the better"? I would have loved it if my parents were open about discussing sexuality.
posted by scrowdid at 10:38 AM on November 7

Eww. NO no no no no no. The LAST thing any 14-year-old wants to hear about is the icky details of his/her parents' sexual past, regardless of their orientations of the people involved. It sounds like your son's got a good handle on things, coming out as straightforwardly as that at the age of 14. Let it be.
posted by deadmessenger at 10:38 AM on November 7 [1 favorite has favorites]

Yeah, this will sound like "oh yeah, I had one of those 'phases' too," as well as hitting the EWW PARENTS HAVING SEX button. If you must share, wait till he's at least 20 or so, when he's more established and comfortable in his sexuality and isn't totally grossed out by the idea of you ever having had sex.
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:41 AM on November 7

Last thing a kid wants to hear is about their parent's sex life. Just be supportive and kind.
posted by fifilaru at 10:41 AM on November 7

Give him support and info when he asks for it. If he asks, Mom, were you ever attracted to women, say "sure" and answer his questions if he wants to know more.
posted by zippy at 10:43 AM on November 7 [2 favorites has favorites]

I don't think you should. This is his time, not yours. Your past is the past; I can't see how knowing would help him. Let him have the "spotlight", as it were.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:45 AM on November 7 [12 favorites has favorites]

I think that talking about your past sexuality with your son without talking about past relationships would be beneficial. Knowing he isn't alone in having to figure himself out is what this is about. Keep the specifics of who/what/when yourself unless he asks. And I'm sure you know better, but as the above have cautioned, don't make him feel like what he has if a phase he'll grow out of.
posted by JauntyFedora at 10:45 AM on November 7

*is a phase, not if a phase.
posted by JauntyFedora at 10:46 AM on November 7

I would not mention it.

Speaking from my own experiences as a gay teen, if my mother had shared that information with me, once I got past the immediate "ew, gross!" response that is inevitable with parent sexuality, I would have felt like she was saying "Yeah, me being involved in a same-sex relationship was a phase. I wasn't really gay, and I got over it. You will too."

I'm sure you're in no way saying that at all, but that's how I would have read it. Plus, I would have felt like she didn't get how huge a deal coming out was, and that a lifetime of being gay, and dealing with everything, all the hatred and bigotry associated with that, was equivalent to high school experimentation and a LUG (lesbian until graduation) relationship in college. Basically, a standard teen dose of "God, my parents totally don't get it!".

YMMV. Your son might be cool with knowing, but I know that I would not have been - at least, not until I was quite a bit older.

(on preview, what meerkatty said)
posted by spockette at 10:47 AM on November 7 [3 favorites has favorites]

If you bring it up it's possible that you will sound like you believe his homosexuality is just a phase, which probably wouldn't be good. That's how I interpreted your story the first time I read it.

I don't think you should bring it up. It's good that you're supportive, but I don't think telling this story would help much.
posted by kylej at 10:50 AM on November 7 [1 favorite has favorites]

I don't think you should; he's doing fine, and it might be interpreted as somehow invalidating, as if he can't figure out his own feelings, and might seem to discredit his feelings for his friend. I don't see anything to be gained; sounds like he has great parents, great friends--there's no need, nothing to be gained, and it could really weird him out.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 10:56 AM on November 7 [1 favorite has favorites]

How about talking to the "cool pseudo-aunt" and explicitly authorizing her to mention your past with her if it ever comes up in a conversation with your son? It seems that that would alleviate some of the "eeeww" reactions above (you're not talking to your son about your sexuality anymore), and also partly the "it's just a phase" concerns. And if it never comes up, it never comes up.
posted by spaghettification at 10:58 AM on November 7

You mention that part of your motivation is to let him know how much you appreciate his trust in telling you. You can just say "I really appreciate that you trust me enough to tell me what's going on in your life." That's enough. I wouldn't mention your own sexual history, not because of any ick factor, but because, as others have said, it smacks too much of "I went through this and it was a phase." That's not your intention, but that is probably how it will come across. It would (maybe?) be different if you had a coming-out story to share, but yours is not a coming-out story.

But as zippy said, if he asks you if you've ever been attracted to women, I'd be honest (without mentioning names).
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:01 AM on November 7

I think your best bet is just to take a "if you say so" approach (while avoiding being patronizing, of course), and then have a talk about responsible sex and relationships. Is he sexually active? Do you know? Steady boyfriend, etc.? THAT's the talk to have, and doing that without subtly putting down the same-sex angle will probably do more to reassure him that his mom is "cool" with it than any amount of explicit saying so in words.
posted by ctmf at 11:01 AM on November 7

Yeah, hold off on telling him this; as others have suggested, presented now, this could all too easily seem like a patronizing "You're only going through a phase, just like I did" message.
posted by darth_tedious at 11:01 AM on November 7

What most have said (am queer). Could be heard as "I got better", would likely be squirmy as all hell, I think 14 year olds who want to know about moms experimental phase are few and far between (but do totally have a few beers and tell him when he's 20-something).

Apart from anything else, don't tell him right now because right now is all about him. Most teens are the centers of their own universes and believe they invented love, angst, music and drugs. Maybe gaykids are different nowadays, but most I've known have been pretty pleased with themselves once they started telling people, let him have his moment. It passes, but for a while you should be braced to hear quite a bit about queer stuff (that you already know).

Very cool that your boy trusts you with this. Congrats to you both.
posted by Iteki at 11:04 AM on November 7 [1 favorite has favorites]

As a person who was subjected to way too much oversharing by her parents, nthing "ew," unless he indicates that he is interested in your sexual past (prediction: he won't).
posted by HotToddy at 11:09 AM on November 7 [2 favorites has favorites]

I'd think about it this way. Do you think he needs more support than you're already giving him? You sound like you've been great, and he's doing fairly well. With that in mind, while I can see the risk of sharing your past with him (i.e. implying to him that it's just a phase, and/or that you secretly hope he'll turn out straight), I'm not sure I see the desired benefit that could outweigh that risk.

If you think that sharing your past experiences will fill some important gap in the support you've been able to give so far, then maybe you should tell him. Otherwise, I think it's best to keep it to yourself, or wait a few years until he's more accustomed to you knowing he's gay and understands that you really do embrace it (as more than a phase).
posted by Beardman at 11:09 AM on November 7 [1 favorite has favorites]

If you think that sharing your past experiences will fill some important gap in the support you've been able to give so far, then maybe you should tell him.

Or, of course, figure out a less risky way to fill the gap!
posted by Beardman at 11:11 AM on November 7

I'm almost 40. I still don't want to know details about my parents' sex lives. Sex is, ultimately, a very private thing between people (ok, except swingers and such, but usually it is). Show him by example that a good lover does not share intimate details with others.

Let this be about him, and not you. You can be supportive without sharing your dabbling in homosexual sex -- after all, wouldn't you be just as supportive if you hadn't dabbled? Of course you would! Use your experience, maybe, to try to understand his reality, but don't start telling him that you completely understand his homosexuality because you experimented some. That's not really the same, is it? If you imply to him that you "get it," then he might get the message that you accept this as experimenting, when he's not saying that -- this isn't an experiment, he's gay.

I'm not in your shoes, and I don't know for sure what's right. But to me, what would feel right is to act exactly if he came out as straight: Acknowledge your child is becoming a sexual being, have the safe-sex talk, have a talk about whether 14 is mature enough to have sex, and then leave it at that. Isn't that true acceptance, for it to be just the same as if he'd told you he's interested in sex with females? That the announcement would be met with the same discussions? If he'd said he was sexually interested in females instead of males, would you think to share with him details about your heterosexual sex life?

Perhaps the only difference would be another talk about the challenges gay people still face, and how to deal with those issues. But other than that, gay or straight, really your child just told you he's becoming sexually aware.
posted by Houstonian at 11:11 AM on November 7

I agree with the 'no's. Let him have this time to become clear on his own sexuality without having to process yours in the mix (especially with yours being transitional, temporary, experimental, etc.). He will have enough to deal with.

(definitely share later, as adults)
posted by Vaike at 11:15 AM on November 7

You sound like a wise parent to me, one who's able to think about this sort of thing and come to a sound conclusion, so my advice is to follow your own heart and mind on this.

You know the kid. You know the woman involved. (As you say, you don't have to tell him who she is but he may try to guess or otherwise find out, so I would assume that if you tell him, he will eventually know it's his pseudo aunt).

I think the issues you're balancing against each other -- wanting to honour his honesty with a reciprocation of trust vs. appropriate parent-child reciprocity, the 'eww' factor vs. the normalising factor of talking about yr bisexual past as you would your hetero past -- show that you're thinking clearly about the issues, have compassion for your son, and will do what's best.
posted by mmw at 11:15 AM on November 7 [3 favorites has favorites]

How about talking to the "cool pseudo-aunt" and explicitly authorizing her to mention your past with her if it ever comes up in a conversation with your son?

Nooooo, I think this is a really bad idea. Personally, that would INCREASE the "ick" factor for me, and honestly, make my teenage relationship-inexperienced mind call into question your current relationship with her. (I would have the same reaction to hearing that one of your male friends used to date you, in fairness.) This isn't MY opinion or reaction, just thinking of your son.
posted by sarahsynonymous at 11:15 AM on November 7 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm surprising myself by agreeing with others that you should not tell him, with one caveat: if he asks, you should tell. You can explain that some people's orientation is flexible, to one degree or another, but for others (and feel free to emphasize this), it is quite fixed. Like pretty much everything else about sexuality, we don't really understand why. Then tell him how much you love him, and tell him how glad you are that he trusts you enough to share this with you.

Then offer him a sandwich or some cookies or something. Aren't 14-year-olds always hungry?

Data points: I'm fortysomething, American, female, lesbian - haven't been in a relationship with a guy since my two-week high school boyfriend. If the Kinsey scale went up to 10, I'd be at 11. Most of my girlfriends have been bi. Oh, and I don't have kids.
posted by rtha at 11:16 AM on November 7 [8 favorites has favorites]

I'm confused by the "eww," "TMI" comments. Most people manage to mention/talk about their relationships without going into lurid (or any) sexual detail-- I assume that's what you were planning to do here? I think that's perfectly fine and I can't imagine why that would be a problem at all. Aside from the previously mentioned concern about him thinking you're implying his sexuality is a phase, I think you should go ahead and mention your relationship to him if you think it'll help.
posted by Ashley801 at 11:23 AM on November 7 [3 favorites has favorites]

I don't get the concern about the "ewwwww, mom" responses. I didn't "ewwwwww mom" when my mother mentioned boyfriends she had when she was a teenager. Why should it be any different if the OP says, "I had some relationships with other girls when I was younger?" No need to mention who those relationships were with or mention any "icky details." (WTF, there is considerable room between saying "I had a girlfriend" and anything that even hints at actual sex)

As for the concern that this will carry the message that her son's gayness only a phase, I understand, but that can be easily dealt with very directly.

I'm straight, but if I were gay, even if I was in a very supportive community, I think I'd feel pretty damn betrayed to find out later that my parents had a bisexual past and didn't say a damn thing about it to me when I came out to them.
posted by Good Brain at 11:28 AM on November 7 [5 favorites has favorites]

P.S. I wonder if all the "ick" votes would say the same thing if you were thinking about telling your children about a prior marriage.

Maybe someone else thinks there's a difference, but I don't see it, and none of the children of divorced parents I've ever known have seemed at all icked out by that.
posted by Ashley801 at 11:30 AM on November 7 [2 favorites has favorites]

I'm very confused by the eww comments as well. So long as OP approaches this in an appropriate way, and one that is respectful to the son's experiences, I don't see a problem with it. Instead of sharing details about your sex life (who would do that?) or your realization that you were mostly straight, I'd frame it in a way that illuminates that you're aware of some of the difficulties and fears he might be facing: "You know, son, I dated women pretty seriously when I was younger, and it always made me sad that I had to pretend we were just friends or that I couldn't bring her home or hold her hand in certain places. I want you to know that you don't need to hide those things from me and you can be as open and honest as you want to be with your father and I--we'll treat whoever you're dating with the respect they deserve."

You can be supportive without sharing your dabbling in homosexual sex -- after all, wouldn't you be just as supportive if you hadn't dabbled?

Plus, I would have felt like she didn't get how huge a deal coming out was, and that a lifetime of being gay, and dealing with everything, all the hatred and bigotry associated with that, was equivalent to high school experimentation and a LUG (lesbian until graduation) relationship in college.

Nice biphobia, guys. OP said that her relationship was a serious one, not a purely sexual one; we shouldn't dismiss it as frivolous, even if she ultimately decided that she preferred dating men.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:40 AM on November 7 [9 favorites has favorites]

At 14, I'd have put any such sharing in the category of "oh god Mom's trying to show me how 'cool' she is, please just stop."
posted by palliser at 11:43 AM on November 7 [4 favorites has favorites]

let him lead the conversation.

unless you think he's feeling alone in his sexuality (which you don't seem to indicate), it probably won't help him a ton to know the gender of his mom's youthful sexual forays. and mentioning it out of the blue is a little artificial

when necessary, discuss your relationships in exactly the same detail/fashion you would if a heterosexaul kid came to you w/ a heterosexual dating situation. that is to say: share what is immediately, situationally, applicable, and provides comfort and security and advice and all the things a parent should provide. don't shoehorn in your own sexual experimentation for its own sake.

i would recommend casually mentioning to your kid that you know where he's coming from and that - gay, straight, bisexual, whatever - most people don't have an easy (or unwinding) path through adolescent sexuality. tell him that you know firsthand it can be hard, heartbreaking, exciting, scary... no matter what his orientation or preferences. tell him you're happy to talk to him if he has any questions, that everybody has a different and difficult experience. this leaves the door open for him to decide how much information he wants out of you.
posted by mr. remy at 11:49 AM on November 7

I agree with the "tell him if he asks, but not otherwise" approach.
posted by Xany at 11:53 AM on November 7 [1 favorite has favorites]

Only if they ask.
posted by mezamashii at 11:55 AM on November 7 [2 favorites has favorites]

You don't need to reciprocate sharing with sharing because you are not peers. Aside from considering all the wrong ways he can take it (I agree with so many above), you have to remember that the two of you have very different jobs. His is to grow up into a respectable man. Yours is to love, support, and guide him in this task.

You should tell him how you feel - how proud you are, how much you love him no matter what his sexuality is, and how pleased you are that he's growing up. Do not compete or do some tit-for-tat with relationship stories as if you were his peer/buddy and you are having a slumber party or something. That's just not your role here.

You must be so excited and proud that he's growing up. You sound like a terrific Mom. My best wishes to you both.
posted by fritley at 12:03 PM on November 7

On the other hand, it wouldn't seem outrageous or inappropriate to mention the mere existence of previous heterosexual relationships during that phase of my life, would it?

These initial coming out experiences can be very, very sensitive ones. He doesn't have a lot of positive outcomes to look back on, y'know? So, even having had good outcomes after coming out to 'a few close friends', he could still be on the look-out for any hint of negativity, to the point of seeing it when it's not really there. It's a situation that can easily lead to him getting spooked.

Add to that the tendency of teenagers to be a touch on the egocentric side ("What does this have to do with me? Why is she telling me this?"), and it adds up to the possibility of him misinterpreting it as an It's Just A Phase speech.

There's also a chance that it may be misinterpreted as you telling him that you inherently know what it's like to be gay because you had a girlfriend once for a while, which may strike a raw nerve.

It's completely irrational, but teenagers can be flaky like that. Doubly so for a teenagers going out on a limb for acceptance.

If you really want to tell him, I would hold off for a considerable while. Let him get used to you being an accepting mom and let the spook factor wear off.
posted by CKmtl at 12:15 PM on November 7

I literally cannot think of anything more awkward. It's going to come out like the dad on American Pie when he catches his son masturbating. Absolutely not.
posted by downing street memo at 12:20 PM on November 7 [1 favorite has favorites]

I don't think it's a big deal either way.
posted by roger ackroyd at 12:20 PM on November 7 [1 favorite has favorites]

My son came out to me as straight. I didn't share my straight sexual history with him. I think your personal sexual history should stay personal.

For him to share this with you is a very good sign that your relationship is healthy.
posted by theora55 at 12:24 PM on November 7 [3 favorites has favorites]

I think the point about roles is a good one. His coming out has made you think of your past sexual experimentation -- it's reminded you of that. That's because having a teenager reminds you of being a teenager, quite naturally.

But to him, it's just not relevant. Being a teenager doesn't make you reflect on your parents' sexuality. When he came to his mom to tell her that he is gay, it's not because he was thinking of having a mutual-sharing-time about sexual experiences; it's because he wanted to know that he'd have Mom's love, support, and acceptance for who he is.

So let this be about him, and about what will be relevant to him: that you love him, you support him, and that you accept him for who he is. And good for you for being the kind of parent a child goes to with the heartbreak of unrequited love, as well as with news of self-discovery.
posted by palliser at 12:25 PM on November 7 [2 favorites has favorites]

All the freaking out over this is completely unwarranted.

The OP dated a girl once. That's not a skeleton in the closet to be covered up until the kid is an adult and can handle the shocking truth. It doesn't have an "ew" factor. It doesn't invalidate him as gay or imply that he's going through a phase. And it doesn't detract from his own journey of self-discovery.

All this neurotic worrying is driven by the deeply-ingrained taboos that even the most open-minded of us have about sexuality and queerness. But how are we ever going to normalise this stuff if we never talk about it?
posted by dontjumplarry at 12:32 PM on November 7 [7 favorites has favorites]

I don't see why she couldn't now be casually mentioned as an 'old college girlfriend' or something of the like.
posted by matkline at 12:33 PM on November 7 [1 favorite has favorites]

I remember a book for adolescents from the "Our Bodies, Ourselves" era in which a gay teenager talked about his dad admitting he had fooled around with guys before settling down with a woman. The son in that narrative was thankful his dad had shared.

You seem like a really cool mom. He's lucky to have you.
posted by roger ackroyd at 12:42 PM on November 7 [3 favorites has favorites]

But Theora, your son was well aware that you've had at least one straight *relationship* in the past, wasn't he?

The fact that you didn't think for a moment that your relationship with his father was some shocking, gross detail about your sexual past that your child would never want to hear, I think, says something here.
posted by Ashley801 at 12:47 PM on November 7

A lot of people are getting hung up on not talking to your son about your past sexual life -- and I understand where that's coming from. But it is not really all that icky to talk about your past romantic life.

It would be entirely appropriate, in my opinion, to tell your son that you have had relationships with women and show him that you fully accept him for who he is. I would caution you to ensure the discussion is much heavier on the side of acceptance than on any possibility that he might see the information you're sharing as telling him he'll eventually be straight.

I'm hetero and thus never had to have this experience with my parents, but I think if I had (and judging as an outsider to the people I know who have come out to their parents/family), I would have liked to know my parents could relate very personally with what I might be going through. Of course I didn't want to know any of the gory details of their actual sexual life! I still don't!! But you can separate the sex info from the relationship info.

Sexuality isn't entirely about the sex act, you know?
posted by asciident at 1:04 PM on November 7 [9 favorites has favorites]

Maybe save it for a conversation when he's a bit older and has been out longer? This sounds like a 20-something situation, especially when people around him will be climbing aboard the sexual experimentation ride - this way he might take the story in reference to what he's observing around him.
posted by medea42 at 1:12 PM on November 7

Not getting the ewws, but it probably has a lot to do with how people were raised. My family of ex-hippies were always open about sex and sexuality. Not in a gratuitous way, but in a "this is part of a loving relationship, it's a fact of life" way. There was no mystery, no details either (of freaking course).

First, you aren't giving him gritty details. This is not about 'sex' but sexual identity. Meaning, you aren't talking about the mechanics of sex, rather, you are sharing an experience that relates to your over-arching sexual identity.

Second, I am sure you will be sensitive in your delivery and not make it seem to him like you think he is going through a phase.

It really is up to you. I would hazard a guess, based only on what I have read here, trust between you is not necessarily the issue. The real question I would ask myself is, in doing this do I want him to feel solidarity, like he has an ally in me? Does he need that? Can you hold that information until a time when he does?

That's just my shot in the dark...wish you the best.
posted by sundri at 1:19 PM on November 7

Don't tell him yet. If you still feel the need to share, tell him when he's seen that you're OK with his sexuality. Right now he's still recovering (probably not the correct term, but you get the idea) from telling you that he's gay, and it will be perceived wrongly. When he knows you're OK with the idea, you could consider telling him why. At that point, it could even help you bond with him though the experience a little better.

Whatever you choose to do, though, don't make a big deal out of it.
posted by Solomon at 1:28 PM on November 7

I would tell him about this at exactly the same time in his life, and in exactly the same way, that you would have told him if he had never come out to you. That is, treat your past sexual history and his sexual orientation as totally separate and unrelated things, because they are.
posted by decathecting at 1:36 PM on November 7

I don't think you need acceptance cred. You're his parent. You love him. As long as you don't act weird about this, you don't need more than that.

My dad insisted on telling me a lot about his relationship history when I was younger, I think to show me he knew where I was coming from when I had those kinds of troubles, and it was really uncomfortable and NOT HELPFUL. I wanted to know that he understood because he was my dad, not that he understood because of his colorful history.

It wasn't necessarily an "eww" thing on a physical level, he didn't go that much into detail, but more like, this was not the information I needed to hear, and it undermined my faith in his support because it made me feel like he was having to dredge up all these forty-year-old reasons, instead of just supporting me without reservation.

Sometimes you don't want your parents to support you because they had the same struggles, you just want them to support you because they're your parents. To bring it up later, once that's secure, might be fine, but right away may not come off the way you intended it to.
posted by larkspur at 1:52 PM on November 7

No. Just love him.
posted by CarlRossi at 2:56 PM on November 7

My mom came out to me about her bisexual experimentation when I was 19 or 20, in college, and it freaked me out at the time -- though I was able to handle it. That seems like an appropriate age for a kid to learn about that kind of thing.

I think a 14 year old kid who is just coming out himself should be given a few more years to discover his own sexuality before he starts worrying about his parents'.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 3:17 PM on November 7

No. (And I knew I was gay at age 8.) It's his life to live.
posted by Carol Anne at 3:32 PM on November 7

I don't think the sharing is a good idea for many of the reasons above. The chances of it failing to have the intended effect are greater than its chances of success.

(I'm not a parent, but I get that "eew gross" feeling when I hear any family member types talking about their sexuality. Do parents ever get the "eew gross" feeling when their kids over-share??)

But I would find some way of signaling to him that one does not have to "choose" a sexual orientation and stick to it. (I mean "choose" here in that many people have varying degrees of attraction to the various sexes, and that one doesn't need to identify one way or the other if they don't want to.) Not that being gay is a phase, but that identifying as gay, bi or straight *could* be a phase. To most 14 year olds, I would imagine, the comfort of finally feeling like one has achieved an identity can quickly erode, and maybe the 16 or 17 year old him might not want to identify as anything for a while. Don't typecast him, is all I'm saying.

I think the message needs to be "I love you no matter who you are attracted to. Just make sure you keep willy wrapped up."
posted by gjc at 3:48 PM on November 7

I didn't come out to my mother until the day I told her I was moving across the country to be with my girlfriend. I specifically waited to avoid the "it's just a phase" reaction.

Just a data point, but that reaction would have been the biggest risk with me.
posted by restless_nomad at 4:16 PM on November 7

Tell him when he's older. It's cool to share but 14 is too young and knowing you got it on with your girlfriends will probably just gross him out.

Another way to look at it is to ask yourself if you would share information about your sexual past with him if he hadn't come out to you? Because really, you shouldn't do much different at all. He doesn't want special treatment. You knowing and treating him exactly the same is what he wants.

I think you're a cool mom, though for understanding your kid and being accepting and all that.
posted by dchrssyr at 4:50 PM on November 7

No.

1) Kids don't want to hear stories about how you're not a special little snowflake.

2) The fact that you ended up with a man will scream "It's just a phase. You'll get over it" whether you want it to or not.

3) This is ultimately a story about a secret. Your son's sexuality should not be a secret. As an allegory, it almost sounds like "sure, we all go through these things. And we learn to hide it from our families and go on with a heteronormative lifestyle".

You show that you're proud by giving it the respect it deserves as common information, not comparing it to a deep dark secret.
posted by politikitty at 5:31 PM on November 7

I would say it ultimately depends on how you approach it and what sort of relationship you and your son have regarding the discussion of sometimes uncomfortable subjects.
If you two have discussed sexuality in depth before, sure, have at a "this is what I did when I was younger" discussion, but be careful about how you frame it because other answers have it right - it can easily come off as a "this is a phase" rather than a "see? it's cool that you are who you are."

Personally, I wouldn't make this a priority. If he asks you about your personal experiences or your opinions, it would be much easier for you to casually bring up the same-sex dalliances you had earlier in your life, and will probably seem much less "you'll grow out of it."

If you really want to tell him about your sexual history, I'd work up to it over time. Take him out to lunch or something and allude to your past rather than coming out and stating it. If he wants to know, chances are he'll ask you.

Kick ass being an accepting parent, though. That makes life so much easier. :D
posted by neewom at 5:47 PM on November 7

You know what?

If I were your son, and you had never once mentioned that you used to date girls and you only brought it up after I had come out to you as gay?

I would be pissed off and squicked out.

Either it's something you'd talk about to all of your kids of whatever sexual orientation, or it's something you don't talk about because--let's be honest--who talks about every single person they dated or slept with in their twenties with their kids? Only TMI-heads.

If you had a serious girlfriend and you've never mentioned her before to your kids, whereas you've mentioned all your boyfriends to your kids, then you might want to think about why that is. If you don't talk much about your past dating life with your kids, don't bring this up with the gay son--it smacks of artificiality and, as others have said, could well be parsed by a 14-year-old as "this is just a phase" or "I know all about teh gay because I had sex with a girl once," neither of which is popular with young queer teens.

I am not a mother, but I was a child once. A bisexual child. With an inappropriately-sharing father. Don't be the inappropriately-sharing parent. This is not about you; it's about him. You don't understand being gay because you were once bicurious. You don't really even understand being self-identified as bi if you currently self-identify as heterosexual.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:36 PM on November 7 [2 favorites has favorites]

Goodness no. His sexuality has nothing to do with yours. Let him find himself, and love him for who he was, is, and who he becomes.

If you want to tell him in the future when his identity (not just sexual) is more defined, like when he's 40, then go ahead.
posted by ruwan at 7:01 PM on November 7

Of course it depends a lot on your relationship, the context of the conversation, etc, but my instinct is no. Let this time be about him. Reinforce how much you love him, make yourself available to hear about his life. Ask him how you can be most supportive. And save the personal revelations for another time.

I'm speaking from my own experience as someone who came out at around age 12 or 13.
posted by serazin at 7:35 PM on November 7

I don't think you should tell him about your teenaged fun at this age. To make an analogy, if your parents discovered you were having straight sex, would you want them to tell you about the straight sex they had as teens? Probably not, right? I think the fact that you're cool with it is good enough, and although I do think it's sweet that you want to share something personal in return, this probably isn't the right kind of thing. You could go as far as to say, "I'm honoured you told me and glad it means you know your ol' mom isn't a prude!"- that kind of sentiment is fine, I think- but more specifics are probably better left 'til much later when you're dipping into the scotch together as adults, you know?
posted by twistofrhyme at 8:00 PM on November 7

Let this be about him, and not you.

Yeah.

That.

I'll tell my own parental coming out story in a second, but my immediate feeling is: First, wait a while; make sure you send all the right "I love you and will always love you no matter who you are and I'm always here to help if you ever need it" messages. Later, when you're both comfortable with how things are going, I think it'd be kinda neat to share with your son that you had some same-sex experiences too. Just do it with the Parental Squick Factor in mind.

When I came out to my dad in a Florida bar at age 21, he shocked me by telling me he and a buddy had put sticks up each other's butts, and later fucked, in high school. It was his own limited way of trying to connect, I knew right away (he wasn't much for emotion), but it still felt weirdly inappropriate (I mean jeez, *I* hadn't even had anal sex yet) and was nothing but a distraction from my own needs at the time. I knew he meant well, and he did manage to convey that my queerness didn't stop him from accepting me as his son, which was nice, but you know, it'd been *really hard* to work up the courage to tell him at all, so it was off-putting that his first thought was to unleash the story of his own gay experiments. It didn't bring us closer, and didn't make me feel that he understood me better.

The one positive was I learned that the occasional homophobic cracks he'd previously made weren't serious, but if you haven't made those, and have been generally supportive in the past, just keep doing so. Save the personal sharing about your sex life until your kid's had time to adjust to the reality of you knowing who he is. Maybe he'd appreciate the info, maybe not, but the main point now is demonstrating that you'll always love him, regardless of who he loves.

The rest is kind of irrelevant.
posted by mediareport at 8:05 PM on November 7

I'd say no--for now.

You will almost certainly hit the point in the next few years when he moans that 'you can't understand what it's like' for him. At that point, you might--might--want to say, 'Actually, I can.'
posted by yellowcandy at 11:21 PM on November 7

Plenty of people have already made great points above, but there is an angle I don't think has been covered yet.

I agree that this time is about him, and his needs, not your personal history. But in the future, he'll be dealing with friends learning he's gay, and having crushes on friends who won't reciprocate, and some who will. At that age, friends are absolutely the most important part of life.

So what happens when he likes that guy who is his friend, and maybe they date a couple times or just kiss at a party or something, and then the friend doesn't want to anymore, or everything is weird? End of the world for your son. But, from your perspective, with his distant "cool aunt" aka your old time ex girlfriend, you know that it's possible to maintain a healthy friendship after relationship strangeness, even in an environment of questionable sexuality. That, to me, would be the time to share; after he's been out for a little while and is struggling to reestablish himself among his peers.

I don't think that sex has to be brought into it whatsoever. If you've been supportive the whole time, dealing with his sexuality like it's a common and perfectly normal thing, then sharing your romantic and platonic history from the angle of "friendship is a complicated thing, Son" won't be squicky, or indicate a false belief that his being gay is only a phase.

And of course, if you're worried about sounding like that anyway, you can always say so. Teenage boys sometimes act like they have far less listening comprehension than they do.

When I was 15-16 and having trouble with boys (I'm a girl), my parents would share stories about their highschool romances to give me confidence that the world wouldn't end. You have a leg-up because you have a good story not just about an ex, but with the not-always-acceptable-sexuality angle, too.
posted by Mizu at 3:35 AM on November 8 [4 favorites has favorites]

You can be honest about your past. It just depends how you do it. Revelation can be empowering to him as long as you're meticulously sensitive to the fact that it's about him and not you. You want him to take the lead but he won't be able to do that if he doesn't know about your past.

I'm a married-to-a-man bi-hetero mom with a past similar to yours, and when my son came out to me (he was 14 as well, and said he'd known since about 5th grade), I just let him know I was cool with it (I knew for a lot longer than he knew I knew). I didn't plan to do this, but later I vaguely and casually made reference to my own past, to let him know there was more he could ask me about if he wanted to. I think that was a good thing; it gave him an opening he wouldn't have known about had I kept it a secret. He did wind up asking me a few things, not anything very big, and I was able to answer him honestly without going into any more detail than he seemed to want. I think this was both reassuring and empowering for him, and helped him feel more comfortable with me as an ally and friend.

I can't say what's right for you and your son but this is what worked for us.
posted by pocket_of_droplets at 7:08 AM on November 8 [2 favorites has favorites]

This is an overshare. Let your son decide what level of interaction he wants on this one. Some of his comfort involves being able to set the amount of distance between you guys. Let him know if he needs you, you'll be there.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:56 AM on November 8

I'm just coming to second what Mizu said - after his first heart break you could spin it as a positive post breakup relationship.
posted by fermezporte at 12:43 PM on November 8

I came out as a lesbian when I was 14. I was very thankful to have older queer/queer-friendly relatives and role models to talk to during that confusing and tumultuous time. If I were your son, I might initially rebel at the thought of you as an individual with a life that existed before the advent of motherhood, but then I would get over myself and realize you were just being supportive.

If you share this the right way, you will reaffirm the trusting relationship it sounds like you already have. I agree with previous posters that the "ick" factor here seems to be coming from a place that confuses sexuality with sex. No need to go into details, just tell him you have loved women in the past.

I don't see why it would send the message that you think his orientation is a phase, either, unless you explicitly couched the discussion that way. Instead of being afraid that it might send this message, why not address it directly, and let him know you don't believe it's a phase? The context around this conversation should be that you support his choices and love him no matter what. It sounds like that is what you're already doing.

You really sound like a great Mom. Have you considered joining your local chapter of PFLAG? The world needs more parents like you.
posted by Lieber Frau at 12:48 PM on November 8 [2 favorites has favorites]

Male and female sexuality are not identical. While I am not of the camp that "there are no true male bisexuals," I do think that your sexual experimentation as a female adolescent is not as directly related to your son's experience as you may think it is, especially as your son is going to experience it.

I suggest you weigh that in with the additional squick factor in telling your son about your same-sex relationship, especially since it's with someone he knows.

My vote is that you sound like a very caring mother, but this is not something to be shared with your son. Just be as supportive of him as you normally are and carry on with life.
posted by Sticherbeast at 3:17 PM on November 8

I suggest you weigh that in with the additional squick factor in telling your son about your same-sex relationship

To clarify, there's nothing extra-squicky about the fact it was same-sex, as opposed to hetero. I just don't see how instructive this would play out.

"Mom - I'm gay."
"I once dated a girl for a few years."
"Uh, cool story. I'm still gay."

I tease with affection.
posted by Sticherbeast at 3:20 PM on November 8

At 14, I'd have put any such sharing in the category of "oh god Mom's trying to show me how 'cool' she is, please just stop."

Quoted for truth. Also nthing the 1) possibility of him thinking you're insinuating that this is a phase, and 2) let this be about him, not you.
posted by desuetude at 6:52 PM on November 8