Previously straight-acting queer girl needs the dating 411!

November 3, 2009 9:16 PM

I have a first date with a girl coming up, which is awesome and I'm psyched. Only... I've never dated girls before! Help!

I realize that I should just "be myself" and such, but I'm nervous. I've always identified as queer and have kissed a few ladies in my time, but I've never dated another girl before and I'm kind of terrified that I'll make an ass out of myself.

I've had a series of long term relationships in the past, all with men. Should I mention that at the get go? The girl that I'm meeting identifies as gay (we met online) and I fear the stigma that can come with not having been a 'serious' lesbian, whatever that means. Also: are there signals that are commonly accepted among women as far as flirting and such? I feel like I'm sixteen again!

(Yes, I realize I'm probably overthinking this, I just really want this to go well!)

posted by anonymous to human relations (9 comments total)

Relax.
posted by cali59 at 10:15 PM on November 3 [4 favorites]

I wouldn't shake her hand when you first meet and say "I'm a lesbian virgin!" or anything, but it'll probably come up at some point in the near future and you'll just be honest. If awesomegirl isn't okay with that, then meh, not that awesome. But coming right out of the gate can be a bit off-putting. Let the conversation evolve naturally.

I say just treat it like any other date (because it is) and enjoy yourself, be yourself, and learn more about each other. No reason to worry about her perception of your lack of history—we all start somewhere and if you're serious now, you're serious. If you're "just experimenting" to see if you like things, that's one thing, but if you've always identified as queer, I don't personally think it will have a whole lot of bearing. Let it come up in its own time and be honest, but no need to force it into the conversation.

(Disclaimer: I am a straight male, though this really feels like basic dating guidelines! :-)

Good luck, have fun, be yourself, deep breath, and enjoy!
posted by disillusioned at 10:38 PM on November 3

Don't worry so much about it.

Don't bring up the past relationships--you wouldn't bring up your romantic past on the first date with a guy, right? Same deal.

This'll be okay. I mean, it'll be a little awkward and weird, but so would any first date. Flirting is pretty much the same regardless of gender, though it's been my experience that flirting between women is often somewhat more tactile than flirting between a man and a woman.

You won't make an ass out of yourself. She's probably going to be as nervous and awkward as you are, and just as worried about impressing you and coming off as normal and likable. Everyone worries about that stuff, I think, regardless of their relative experience.

Also, for whatever it's worth, I'm pretty strongly queer-identified, and I think that that to some extent, the stigma with being bi (or generally queer, as opposed to lesbian) is less of a big deal than it was even just ten years ago. You don't mention how old you are, but my general experience has been that especially for people under about thirty, maybe thirty-five, a certain amount of fluidity is almost expected, or at the very least not unexpected.

You're going to be fine.
posted by MeghanC at 10:54 PM on November 3

similar but not identical question
posted by randomstriker at 12:11 AM on November 4

The only major thing that I've found to be different (and YMMV depending on the person, of course) is that you might find that you spend some time, subconsciously, waiting for her to make the move (while she waits for you to make the move) because you have gotten used to the social pressure guys feel to make the move themselves. This effect will be mitigated if she has been dating women for a while or you just habitually are the move-maker, but for me it was really something I had to learn to overcome. (And I had always pictured myself as a fairly straightforward, take-charge sort of person, too!) Just something to be aware of.

Other than that, it really is very similar. Just concentrate her as a person rather than "omg I'm finally dating a girl!" and it'll go fine. Good luck!
posted by forza at 1:27 AM on November 4

Act the same way that you would when dating a guy. Relax. There are no "sekrit lesbian codes" in regards to flirting - do whatever comes naturally.

As for not having dated women before, mentioning it casually doesn't hurt, but DO NOT make a big deal out of it. You don't want to give the wrong impression that this is some kind of "phase" or "experiment." I would preface it with "You know, I've been out as queer for a while, but you're the first woman I've been lucky enough to date!" Make her feel special, not like a test subject.

(Yes, the stereotype of the experimenting bisexual/bicurious lady is an ugly, ugly one.)

I speak as a fellow queer-but-not-lesbian lady - just act natural and don't harp on your previous experiences or lack thereof.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:36 AM on November 4 [1 favorite]

Relax. If past relationships come up, go ahead and disclose, but don't apologize for your lack of experience. It is something that should be discussed before getting sexually involved, but it doesn't need to be before you two figure out whether you're hitting it off in person.

As Meghan said, the bi stigma seems to be considerably less than it was 10 or 15 years ago, although the older your dating partners, probably the more likely you are to encounter it. Once you have a relationship or two with women in your past, all but the most hardcore "gold star"-only lesbians won't care.
posted by notashroom at 8:04 AM on November 4

You're both queer. . .any other differences in plumbing are secondary, and if it gets to that, fun to learn about, for both of you.

Have a great time!
posted by Danf at 10:10 AM on November 4

I think that that to some extent, the stigma with being bi (or generally queer, as opposed to lesbian) is less of a big deal than it was even just ten years ago.

I would agree with this, and I think you need to remind yourself of it in order to get over this anxiety. It's also important to realize why it's not such a big deal anymore. Not-dating-the-opposite-sex is more accepted now. I think the whole bi- stigma (which was very definitely present when I was coming of age) was kind of about competition and the prospect of being dumped for a guy, in my mind. I think that self-consciousness has really faded away.

In any case, what everyone else said is true. If you're going to be nervous, be nervous because it's your first date, not because the person you're dating is a girl. And remember that she's going to be nervous too (and not because YOU'RE a girl). When relationships come up -- later, hopefully -- just say that it took you a while to figure things out. Any lesbian should relate to that. (And if she brings up your past relationships right away -- run.)
posted by mudpuppie at 10:51 AM on November 4