Should I consider dating a woman?

October 18, 2009 3:16 PM

Is the idea of experimenting with a same sex relationship even smart when you aren't sure it is something you would consider in a long term way?

I'm in my late 20s and have a what I think a fairly average sex life so far. I've had about 10 sex partners (all male) and dated plenty, some seriously. (I'm single at the moment though.) I definitely enjoy sex with men and am attracted to them, but I also find myself attracted to women, or at least the idea of women. At least half of my fantasies/sex dreams are of women, and I enjoy lesbian pornography. (I don't believe this is uncommon though.) I, like many women, have had the random kissing with a woman at a bar whilst drinking a handful of times, but that is about as far as anything has gone. As for my orientation, I would probably hasten a guess that I am probably bisexual, but even that seemed cliche somehow.

I think a same sex relationship is something I would be interested in trying but there are a couple questions I have:
1. Is wanting to experiment in something like this insulting to a woman I potentially dated (or whatever it would be)? I would obviously be totally upfront about my intentions but still. I know a lot of people use same sex experimentation around kind of like tiny dogs in purses in that they are trendy and that isn't my goal at all.
2. How would one go about this to begin with? I live in a fairly small city where everyone seems to know everyone else, so there would be no sense of privacy, which would be my preference until I established if it was something that was working. Yes, I know this sounds very "in-the-closet" but it is what it is.
3. Has anyone here done this? How did it work? Are you glad you did it?


throwaway email address: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to human relations (22 comments total)

I can't answer your second and third questions, but with regard to the first: as long as you're upfront about what you're looking for/where you're coming from with respect to a relationship/encounter, I don't see how it could be insulting. The other person will know what they're getting into, and will be free to accept or decline as they see fit. Sounds like the epitome of mature, respectful dating to me—the sex of the person in question doesn't matter here.

I wouldn't worry too much about labeling your sexuality as one thing or another—it is what it is.
posted by ixohoxi at 3:34 PM on October 18

Yeah, imagine a guy wants to date you but tells you it is just an experiment.

Also, he has to keep you a complete secret until you pass some sort of vague criteria. Until then, he doesn't want your existence to inconvenience him. You are invisible.

He's probably not great in bed, either (practice makes perfect!).

What would be your reaction? Do you think it's fair to ask that of someone? What will you be giving in return?
posted by kathrineg at 3:36 PM on October 18 [7 favorites]

1. Insulting, no...but definitely a red flag to a lesbian. But if you're upfront, at least she knows what she's getting into.
2. The Internet is your friend.
3. Yes. Like a house afire, as they say. :) I was where you are around 5 years ago. Talked to a girl 10 hrs away on the internet for a couple months via web cam. Moved her in and got married. We've been married 3 years now.

I'm not an impulsive person by nature, but that lesbian Uhaul cliche is talked about for a reason. Cuz there's really a ton of truth to it. You meet that girl, you start talking...and talking...and talking. And suddenly you have no idea how men and women ever dated because a woman knows another woman inside and out. All those things you wish you could talk about with your man? The things you wished he'd say? The little things you wished he'd do? You truly have a BEST friend and lover all wound up in one person. This is a wonderfully heady experience.

But. There has to be a physical aspect to it. Meaning the emotional aspect is awesome but some girls ignore the fact that quite frankly, they miss the dick. Between that and dealing with the stigma of being gay in public, many girls go back to the boys.

Tough to sum everything up and I don't want to give you more info than you bargain for. MeMail me if you want more or have more questions.
posted by CwgrlUp at 3:54 PM on October 18 [1 favorite]

You seem to have a bit of internalized biphobia here--sexual experimentation and bisexuality are "cliche" and "trendy," "kind of like tiny dogs in purses." I'm sorry, but, ew. You are aware that straight girls who kiss other girls in bars is its own sort of cliche, right?

I think that women will be patient about your wanting to take thing slowly, but very few women are likely going to be terribly fond of being kept a secret until you decide you're serious enough to be out. Even if you're just casually seeing someone, keeping them a total secret reeks of shame. Again, I think this is internalized bi/homophobia talking here, and it's not a reasonable demand early in a relationship.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 3:57 PM on October 18

There are plenty of people who will find the idea of helping you experiment exciting. As long as you are up front about your expectations and feelings, and do your best to avoid contradicting yourself, what you then you can proceed with a clean conscience, even if hurt feelings do arise.
posted by hermitosis at 4:26 PM on October 18

You are aware that straight girls who kiss other girls in bars is its own sort of cliche, right?

I think she was admitting that it was a cliche.
posted by jayder at 4:26 PM on October 18

Your second point gives me pause. The first time you dated a man, did you ask him to keep that relationship secret--or, I'm sorry "private"? That is what will insult or hurt a woman you'd like to date. While it's fair to date anyone without promising that it'll be a long-term relationship (to your first point), it isn't fair to ask for secrecy.
posted by Meg_Murry at 4:44 PM on October 18 [1 favorite]

I have heard tell of a slang term "unicorn". A unicorn is a young bisexual woman willing to fool around with a married couple. They are all called such because everyone thinks they are the most magical wonderful great thing ever and many many people are looking for one; but you pretty much never find one no matter how hard you search.

This is an exaggeration, of course, but the point is that someone who is willing to accept such an agreement is in high demand, and will pretty much have her pick of couples and have huge leeway in setting the terms of the interaction. This may be a comfortable way to try experimenting with some women without getting in over your head or breaking anyone's heart, if you would find the situation agreeable.
posted by idiopath at 5:10 PM on October 18 [4 favorites]

*accept such an arrangement

also, a couple looking for a "unicorn" will pretty much always be looking for a discreet arrangement
posted by idiopath at 5:12 PM on October 18

Why don't you wait until you are actully weak in the knees over a specific woman, and then revisit this?

Some people might be into a sex-with-a-member-of-this-category-I-have-never-had fling but me, personally, I have always been kind of creeped out by people who wanted some specific aspect of me (e.g., Oh Marge, baby, I've always wanted a woman with blue hair so I want you.) rather than, you know, the whole package warts and all.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:32 PM on October 18 [4 favorites]

Probably your best bet of accommodating your second point would be to find someone online, from the next town/city/county over, who is looking for "discretion".

If you do go looking for someone "discreet", keep in mind that you might encounter the flip-side of your concerns: you may end up wanting to step out of the closet with her before she's ready for it.
posted by CKmtl at 5:44 PM on October 18

Yeah, there does seem to be some internal biphobia going on here. Dating is dating, not research. You find someone and you're attracted to them and you see if it works out.

Don't treat a woman that you would date any differently than you would treat a man. It's totally cool to be upfront that you've never been with a woman before, but no one - lesbian, bisexual, or whatever (and honestly, with the biphobia, why are people admitting that this would be a turn off only to lesbians? As a bisexual woman, I would totally be turned off if someone I was into admitted to wanting to "experiment" with me) wants to be a test dummy.

If things don't work out, that's fine. But things don't work out with every man you date either, or you wouldn't still be dating. You can chalk it up to not having sexual chemistry with women if that's how it goes - but that doesn't mean that this should be set up like it's being run in a chem lab.

Definitely open the door to dating women if that's what you want to do, but please - for the sake of us proud bisexuals out there, treat them like anyone else that you would date. Or have casual sex with. Or whatever. It doesn't mean you have to have any grand "coming out," but treat your partner with respect and not like a lab rat.

(And really? The rest of the thread, not doing so hot either. GLBT still includes the "B" here, folks.)
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:57 PM on October 18 [2 favorites]

People are people. Treat them as individuals worthy of your respect and consideration, regardless of gender, and you'll be fine.
posted by randomstriker at 6:07 PM on October 18 [1 favorite]

"no one - lesbian, bisexual, or whatever ... wants to be a test dummy"

Speak for yourself. Personally, if I am just looking for a random hookup and not a relationship, I find being with someone who is lesbian identified who is interested in experimenting to be really hot. And beyond just gender, I find the idea that my partner is trying out something as an experiment a turn on.

This is not what I would look for in a stable relationship, of course.

I really think the best bet for trying something you are unsure of is an explicitly short term or one time deal, experimenting is great, but experimenting mixed with relationships is just asking for hearts to get broken unless you already have a really good sexual rapport and mutual trust, and if gender is the experiment, this just isn't going to work.
posted by idiopath at 6:10 PM on October 18

You won't know unless you try. Do you date men thinking that you'll have a long term relationship with every single one of them? (I'm assuming you don't.) So apply the same logic to women, and give it a whirl. Just don't mess people around, don't turn them into secrets, be straightforward and honest about how you feel and... well... see how it goes.

I also feel the need to say that it's not an admission of defeat or shame or anything to do with some inbuilt need for dick if you discover you like women, yet still decide to predominantly date men. Do not let anyone shame you out of your decisions, regardless which one of them you come to.

(And really? The rest of the thread, not doing so hot either. GLBT still includes the "B" here, folks.)

Echoing this. There are some comments here that are merely reinforcing stereotypes about bisexual women, and women in general, and that is not cool.
posted by saturnine at 6:23 PM on October 18 [3 favorites]

One thing I found interesting about your question is that it seems to assume that any woman you dated would be a "confirmed" lesbian - does that really have to be the case? I suspect there are a lot of people out there who are curious and would like to "experiment," even if I don't know where exactly to find them (if I did know I'd be there already myself! ;) )

Like what you seem to be describing, one of the biggest barriers to my own "experimentation" has been the fear of unfairly leading on someone who already has an orientation they feel committed to; I would feel SO much more comfortable in trying out a relationship with someone who had similar uncertainties over whether or not they can have a relationship with someone of the same sex. As such, I would suggest maybe posting a candid ad on Craigslist or okCupid, and going from there - there's no way you are the only one out there feeling the way you do, and maybe if you could explore your inclinations with someone who was simultaneously exploring THEIR leanings, you wouldn't have to feel quite so guilty or deceptive ...
posted by DingoMutt at 6:55 PM on October 18

It's really hard to tell from reading this if you're looking to date another woman in the full sense of the word, or if you're looking for casual sex.

I'm not bringing this up in order to be judgmental about either option. They're both totally valid, either could be lots of fun, and whichever one you go for you'll find other women who are up for it. But I suspect this will go better for you if you get clear on which one you're going for — if nothing else, because the women who would be up for dating you and the ones who would be up for a casual hookup are not necessarily the same women.

Either way, yeah, online dating. (But again, which website you should look on is gonna depend on what you're looking for. For example: at least in the cities where I've lived, Craigslist is an okay place to look for a hookup and a terrible place to start a relationship.)

And don't worry about looking like a trend-seeker. You know you're doing this in good faith. Forget about other people's reasons for doing what they do, and focus on your own.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:09 PM on October 18

If you're looking for a sexual experience, then be willing to admit that up front, and seek that out.

If you're looking for a RELATIONSHIP, which is the word you use, then you need to regard that person as a friend and companion, with all the honesty and responsibilities that implies.

Confusing those two things will lead to trouble down the road.

But other than that, sex is just sex, and relationships are as complicated when they are same-sex as when they are opposite-sex, although there is that pesky layer of societal views laid over same-sex relationships which complicate things a lot.

I'm going to echo the "why not wait until there's a woman you are truly interested in" comment above, because if you're really looking for a relationship and not just a sexual experience, then there is no sense in seeking out something you're not already drawn toward.
posted by hippybear at 7:42 PM on October 18

Here's a thought: Why not try slowing down a bit and seeing what happens? There is no expectation that, on a first date, you're going to commit to everlasting love and three babies, a dog and a house in the suburbs. The point of a first date is to figure out if you want to have a second date.

If you find yourself attracted to a woman, why not ask her out for a drink? And then, see if it goes anywhere? Or, if you're unsure how to navigate the whole straight/bi/gay thing (which sure seems complex to a straight guy like me, and since your experiences up to this point are straight, I suspect it seems complex to yourself as well)... here's a thought: Try online dating so you'll be able to specifically seek a woman who is seeking a date with a woman. Note that I said "a date."

You're trying to read too far ahead in a script that hasn't been written yet. Just take everything one page at a time - one step at a time.

Go on a date (with a woman).
...if that goes well...
Go on a second date (with a woman)
...if that goes well...
Share an amazing first kiss (with a woman)
...if that goes well...
Go on a third date (with a woman)
...if that goes well...
Make out spectacularly (with a woman).
...if that goes well...
Go on a fourth date (with a woman)
...do you see where I'm going with this?

If you're interested with someone of either gender, take it one step at a time and enjoy yourself as you go. Why does it have to be a big deal that you've never dated a woman before? It's only a big deal if you make it one.
posted by 2oh1 at 12:27 AM on October 19

This is probably the only situation where guys have an easier time finding a date. Gay guys are very accommodating to experimental, sorta straight guys.

I wouldn't worry about what people think. When your acquaintances see you with another girl, they are probably not going to automatically assume that you are boinking. Besides I have found that trying to be discrete is more of a pain than dealing with gossip. You can't stop gossip, and keeping something secret is hard on a relationship, often leaving the other person feeling like you are ashamed of them.
posted by psycho-alchemy at 1:52 AM on October 19

This is probably the only situation where guys have an easier time finding a date. Gay guys are very accommodating to experimental, sorta straight guys.

Can we not do this? Enforcing stereotypes of queer/bisexual women (and in this case, also stereotypes of gay men) isn't going to help the OP in her dating life - and might actually make it worse if she buys the hype. Also, it makes me sad in my unhappy place to see someone looking for answers get met with, if not exactly "biphobia" - "bi-stereotype-reinforcing-misinformation."

(And yeah, idiopath is right, I can't speak for anyone but myself and there probably are women out there who don't mind being test dummies. I'm merely advocating that the OP not go into a situation assuming that this is the case.)
posted by grapefruitmoon at 3:41 AM on October 19 [3 favorites]

1. It is totally normal and healthy to be curious about your sexuality. As long as you are careful and protect yourself (I get the feeling you already do), there's nothing wrong with trying it out. Life is like shoe shopping-- if you don't try on that pair of stilettos that you've always been curious about, will you really be totally happy with your loafers? I say go for it, but be upfront. Anyone who has an issue with it will make that fact known, and vic versa. Ambiguity is no good in these situations, because someone's feelings really could get hurt.

2. The best is, of course, to frequent places that entertain a crowd of attractive lesbians and get to know someone. Aside from that, try OKCupid.com. It's free and you can specify that you are a woman looking for women. Write explicitly in your profile that you are predominantly straight but have always been curious. While many people would be put off by that, you might be surprised how many girls are willing to let you get a taste.

3. I did it. Tried it a few times. Wasn't right for me in the long run, I always felt that sex with women was like going to the movies and leaving after the previews. Unfortunately the girl I was with felt differently, so it was a breakup like any other. But other times, with friends, it was great and uncomplicated. Just don't write it off completely, but perhaps you should wait to find someone you really jive with. The times I was with women were really great, and I wouldn't undo them. If I had, I would probably end up wondering about it when the situation was not so conducive to acting on it. I'm single now, and free to be with whomever I like. I would hate to have unresolved desires at a time when I'm with someone or have kids.

So, I say try it. You never know, and if you find women attractive it could be the key to a happier life. If you want it to be natural, though, wait until you find the right person to try it with-- someone you could actually see yourself liking. Be honest, be vulnerable, be brave.
posted by wild like kudzu at 4:58 PM on October 19