Another Breakup Conundrum

September 10, 2009 5:38 PM

I've made the difficult decision to breakup with a partner that I still care about very much. She is about to go on a one month vacation to see her family. Do I break up with her before or after the trip?

So the background is, after dating for around 9 months, my girlfriend moved in with me 4 months ago. In retrospect our decision was hasty -- she was having roommate and financial issues at the time, which speeded up the normal course of events.
In the short space of time since, I have come to the realization that we made a big mistake. While she is a wonderful person and we have had great times together, my gut feeling tells me now that it just isn't going to work out in the long term. (the main issue is one of intellectual compatability). It pains me to admit it but my gut feeling is that I need to end this soon without leading her on for any longer.
In a couple of weeks she is heading home for a month. I don't want to ruin her vacation, so part of me thinks it's better to tell her when she gets back. On the other hand, if I wait, I am going to have to act like nothing is wrong for the next 6 weeks, which seems dishonest.
Obviously neither option is appealing, but which is the least bad way to do it?

posted by kramer1975 to human relations (19 comments total)

Definitely be straightforward with her now. If she has a few weeks, that'll be fine. If she was leaving tomorrow, you'd be an ass, but do it as soon as possible.

And be lenient with the moving out process, such that she may need to schedule it around her trip.

The trip will do her a world of good with regards to getting over things. And it'll free both of you up should either of you want to explore other options.
posted by disillusioned at 5:42 PM on September 10

break up before she goes. Yes it wlll suck for the first couple days of the vacation but her time away will help her to get her mind off of it. And I think it's unfair to her for you to let her think everything is fine for six additional weeks.
posted by arniec at 5:42 PM on September 10

Pretending that nothing is wrong doesn't just seem dishonest, it IS dishonest. Coming back from vacation and being broken up with isn't going to leave her with fond memories any more than being broken up with beforehand. At least she'll be near those who care about her and can comfort her if you break up with her before she goes home. You already know what you're supposed to do here. Do the right thing and be honest.
posted by handabear at 5:46 PM on September 10

Do it now. Putting it off will not make it easier and just might make things worse between now and then, plus you're basically lying to her from now until you do end it if you continue as if everything is fine.
posted by sycophant at 5:50 PM on September 10

nthing before vacation. What if on vacation she meets some awesome person and doesn't pursue it because she is committed to you?
posted by ian1977 at 5:51 PM on September 10

another vote for tell her now. The way I see it, the vacation will help her get her mind off of thing. Otherwise, she'll be all happy to see you after being away for a month, only to have you break up with her.
posted by Nolechick11 at 5:53 PM on September 10 [2 favorites]

Absolutely break up with her before she goes. Time with family can be the best way to heal after loss or emotional event. In a way, it is perfect timing.
posted by effigy at 5:57 PM on September 10

Thanks everyone. I had a feeling that was the right answer, but it's sometimes not easy to think rationally in the heat of the moment. Seeing it in writing, I'm now absolutely convinced before the vacation is the best way to do it. Maybe it's even a blessing in disguise, given that we will need time to work out alternative living arrangements, etc.
posted by kramer1975 at 5:59 PM on September 10

Yep, do it now. The vacation will be a good thing, a distraction, and forced time apart. Waiting isn't fair to either of you.
posted by cgg at 6:00 PM on September 10

The other thing about "before" is that if she'll be with her family and old friends, she'll have good sources of support right to hand. If you tell her right after she gets back, it might be frustrating to her that you hadn't told her before a time when she could have been coddled and comforted, and instead lowered the boom when she was doing the post-vacation re-entry, which is always a letdown in and of itself.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:14 PM on September 10 [5 favorites]

Six weeks is too long to spend acting a part, unless you're doing it on stage.
posted by orange swan at 6:16 PM on September 10 [1 favorite]

Also, wouldn't it be terrible for her to be missing you / looking forward to coming home for weeks, only to have her happy reunion turn terrible?
posted by Bergamot at 6:31 PM on September 10 [1 favorite]

Similar recent question, similar recent responses. In that case I was ambivalent in my reply because major career-related exams were coming up in the SO's life. Spoiling a vacation isn't in the same league, though.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 6:39 PM on September 10

I lost my job the morning I got back from vacation. I wish they would have done it before. (If I was going to be devastated, going on vacation would have perked me up. As it is, I hated my f-ing job, and would have been able to enjoy my vacation more without Going Back To Work looming over me like a dark cloud.) Not the exact same, but letting things go on when you know it's over in your mind is just not good for anyone involved. It's dishonest, and will eat you up inside to keep acting.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 6:53 PM on September 10

Before. Something remarkably close to this scenario is one of my greatest regrets. I waited; I was young and inexperienced with love and breakups and I waited and maintained a charade that she started to see through. It hurt a lovely and sweet person who was just not the lovely and sweet person for me. It also cost me a few friends. Be kind. Be sure you're sure. But do it now.
posted by willpie at 7:10 PM on September 10 [1 favorite]

Before. I too think after is dishonest and it definitely hurts more.
posted by legendarygirlfriend at 7:46 PM on September 10

You should always do it as soon as you know for sure.
posted by blue_beetle at 8:02 PM on September 10 [1 favorite]

Just as a bit of an anecdote, I had a 3 year relationship end the very day before I went on a much-anticipated vacation (in fact, a vacation that he and I were supposed to go on together!). This turned out to be the best thing that possibly could have happened. I was able to enjoy my time on my vacation instead of pouting, moping, wondering why-why-why, and trying to rekindle things. I will always be happy that happened the way it did, because I had such a good time on my vacation and it was a great kickstart to finding myself again after such a long relationship.
posted by srrh at 9:15 PM on September 10 [1 favorite]

Before. Absolutely before. It's harsh to come back from time away to the "We need to talk" talk.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:39 PM on September 12