How to feel more secure saying no to opportunities

September 10, 2009 5:31 PM

Need help avoiding a scarcity mentality and being too risk-averse. How can I gain more self-confidence and be willing to say no to things that aren't right for me?

I recently had to make the choice between two graduate programs, and it was terribly stressful.

I think the reason it was so hard was that I was reluctant to give up one of them, which provided a sense of security.

I'm realizing how desperately I want a sense of security and how hard it is for me to give up anything that even remotely appears to give it. I know where this comes from. I had economically unstable, drug-addicted, abusive parents. Then I spent a lot of years professionally unfulfilled and in an abusive relationship. At the end of it all, I was able to turn it around. Now I have money in the bank, a good degree, close friends, good prospects, etc.

But I'm still scared, still stuck in that mentality. I will fight tooth and nail for any opportunity (and have gotten good at applying for things). I will say yes to anything prestigious whether or not it's what I really want. And sometimes I do badly when given a chance because my heart isn't in it and I just want to prove that I can be chosen, that I could get the opportunity if I wanted it.

I'm having a hard time figuring out who I am and what I want, because it's so hard for me to say no.

A friend of mine recently turned down a really good job offer, because it didn't look fun. Another friend turned down a Fulbright because he wasn't interested in studying the subject matter anymore. But me? I'd take the job and the Fulbright and have trouble saying no to any of it, for fear it would never come along again. I am very afraid of having nothing going on in my life, of never amounting to anything, of being like my parents or my abusive ex.

How can I gain more self-confidence and be willing to say no to things that aren't right for me?

posted by anonymous to work & money (10 comments total)

Therapy?
posted by ian1977 at 5:53 PM on September 10 [1 favorite]

(oops - I didn't mean that snarkily)
posted by ian1977 at 5:54 PM on September 10

Maybe read up on (and do some thinking about) the concept of opportunity cost-- that is, the notion that any time you opt in to any given experience, you're at the same time choosing to forgo the other possible experiences you could have had instead. So your friend's Fulbright? Might have been a great thing in itself, but would have caused her to lose out on the chance to spend a year studying something else she loved even more, or working and earning mad bucks. And so forth.

It seems as though what you're reacting badly to is the idea of loss-- like, how can I give up this awesome thing? But try to consider also that by taking the misfit opportunity at hand, you're equally losing out on a whole host of less-obvious alternative possibilities. This means that there is no choice without some loss, but also no choice without some gain. Your job is to try to envision, as clearly as possible, all the alternatives available, so you can pick whichever is most attractive.

Put another way, if you've got a choice between fruitcake or no cake, why, you'll pick the fruitcake every time. But supposing the choice is actually fruitcake vs. chocolate cake? Figure out what the implicit chocolate cake is in any given situation, and you may find it easier to let that fruitcake slide on by.
posted by Bardolph at 6:23 PM on September 10 [1 favorite]

Have you ever just said "You know, I'm going to pass this one up so I can enjoy my Wednesday evenings at home."? It will get easier the more you do it. You've already proven that you can go out and get what you want, now your job is to enjoy what you've earned. Maybe enlist a friend to be your cheerleader, who will say "What was that you said about trying not to do everything in the world?" when you ask them to.

If you give it a shot and you still feel bad or really can't do it, talking to a therapist and getting actual techniques and motivation could be a big help.
posted by amethysts at 7:21 PM on September 10

Thanks for the replies. :)

I do know about opportunity cost...and I've been in therapy.

I'm wondering if anyone else has this problem and has found something to say to yourself that works.

When I think of fruitcake vs. chocolate cake, I start to think about angel food cake and then ice cream and then staying healthy and not eating dessert at all and maybe I should have some vegetables and then... well, I get really stuck and stressed out.
posted by metametababe at 10:16 PM on September 10

Also, this might sound crazy, but I can really relate to this post:

http://ask.metafilter.com/96585/I-am-not-in-love-with-the-woman-I-am-about-to-marry

I don't want to say no to one of the grad schools out of fear of having to change my life, piss off the admissions staff, etc.

Help!
posted by metametababe at 1:25 AM on September 11

My take:

You've come to doubt your sense of whether you're a good person, whether you're allowed to do what feels right to you, whether your preferences are at all valid or meaningful. Abuse will do that, because it drives you to surrender your integrity just to stay safe. Why pay attention to your own preferences and native beliefs when they only lead you into conflict and pain? So you get in the habit of disregarding your internal guiding lights, and seek outside approval instead -- regularly, compulsively seeking an approval "fix" because approval=safety.

If I'm on the right track, you might find these things helpful:

Al-Anon.
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward
How To Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo (or perhaps one of his other books)
Mindfulness meditation
posted by jon1270 at 2:51 AM on September 11 [2 favorites]

Meditation, visualization and those hokey exercises which make you write out what you would like your life to look like? Having grown up very poor with someone who couldn't raise a cat let alone a kid, I get it. It takes practice, and the ability not to panic when you do say no to something. I used to make pros and cons lists to set out the case for/against doing something as I could never make up my mind/refuse things. Then, I'd toss a coin to see if the logical case I'd set out made me happy or disappointed. Yes, it's not brilliant, but it worked. It gets easier once you learn that there will be other opportunities. The only regret I have for not doing something in the past neveryoumindhowmanyyears is not buying a lovely antique set of cutlery with painted enamel handles, and that not very much at all, so my silly method worked for me. Well, that and not being bolder.

This said, I agree with jon1270's suggestions. Addicts of any kind are highly manipulative. I can't imagine what it does to a child to be raised by them. And, btw, you already are a success. You have succeeded far beyond the reasonable expectations of anyone starting in your position. Just ask any social worker or police officer if you don't believe me.
posted by x46 at 7:54 AM on September 11

Thanks for your suggestions!

jon1270 - I've read those books and started in on the meditation just a few weeks ago. I love it! I am in a desperate situation now to follow my heart one way or the other, and I feel so stuck. I know this sounds irrational, but is there any way to speed up this process? ;)

x46 - Thanks, it's a good life philosophy. But I just can't seem to do it yet. I wish I could get there sooner!
posted by metametababe at 12:17 PM on September 11

I know this sounds irrational, but is there any way to speed up this process?

Practice always makes new habits stick faster.

Look for any situation you can find to practice satisfying your own needs (as jon1270 described). The cake choice is a good example. What do YOU, right in this moment, MOST want? For the purposes of this practice, let go of what you SHOULD do and what anyone else might think. Also, remember that for many, many choices you face, you'll have another chance to choose differently. (You can have fruitcake this time and chocolate cake next time.)

Also, if you have a good friend who understands what you're experiencing, tell that person whenever you make a choice that honors your own internal preferences and ask your friend (or your therapist) to voice encouragement. If you've had a lot of experience with getting approval when you ignore your internal preferences, it might be really helpful to get some approval for listening to yourself, at least while you're acquiring the habit.

Good luck!
posted by kristi at 12:23 PM on September 12