How to be more comfortable being myself with people

September 9, 2009 12:31 PM

How can I remove the "filter" from my mouth and be more authentic?

Due to several factors (culture, family upbringing, working in customer-service focused jobs), I've found myself with a "Look on the bright side of life" filter on my mouth. I always try to say something nice, or laugh things off when someone says something mean. I've gotten so good at it that I hardly even realize I do it until someone points it out. This comes in handy in alot of situations but it has also made developing friendships/relationships very difficult.

People have often said it is very hard to get a read on my personality. I come off as aloof, and I don't feel comfortable sharing my true feelings and thoughts. To top it all off, I'm also an INTJ personality, which means expressing feelings and affection are not natural for me.

My question is, are there specific mental exercises I can do to help me relax, and be myself around people? Perhaps journaling, stream of consciousness writing? I've noticed having one beer can help me be more comfortable, but I'd rather not become dependent on that.

Any suggestions, advice, or personal experience would be greatly helpful.

posted by Rowgun to human relations (20 comments total)

I wish I had your "problem" -- I am too unfiltered!

It seems that people generally prefer the company of people who look on the bright side, say nice things, and aren't overly sensitive to intentional or unintentional meanness. So those traits are probably not the real source of your difficulty developing friendships/relationships.

Try asking other people about themselves, remembering what they say, and then asking follow-up questions later. Also, invite people to join you for meals or activities. Spending more time in conversation with or the company of specific people should gradually increase your comfort level with those people.
posted by Jacqueline at 12:41 PM on September 9

Do you have any close friends/family that you can start practicing with? Maybe you could write an email to telling them that your goal is to be more open. I would suggest to start being more open with people with whom you are close. This will slowly help you get yourself into a more open mind frame. I have had a difficult time in the past opening up to people. Slowly, I started showing more and more of myself and found that people reacted kindly.
posted by parakeetdog at 12:47 PM on September 9

Alcohol usually works all too well for me.
posted by telstar at 12:54 PM on September 9 [2 favorites]

You also might want to stop labeling yourself.

I'm an INTJ from X cultural background living in Y, and I usually do Z job, so that means I...

Self-talk matters.
posted by mpls2 at 12:58 PM on September 9 [3 favorites]

Don't be too hard on yourself for being optimistic. The world needs both optimism and pessimism. But if people are saying you're aloof, or you suspect that is the problem, it may be that you seem lacking in passion, both positive and negative passion.

You say "expressing feelings and affection are not natural for [you]", which might be because you fear the judgment of the other person. What if you started by expressing your excitement and interest in something inanimate and uncontroversial? The worst you'll come up against would be disinterest of the other person, not judgment.

You might also want to work on your small talk skills. As an INT(J/P), I used to avoid unnecessary communication and it came off as snobby. Small talk is like social lubrication (i.e. a good replacement for beer).
posted by soelo at 1:02 PM on September 9 [1 favorite]

Yes, journaling is a great idea. Just start writing about your day, your thoughts, your fears or whatever and see where it takes you. Also, don't feel like you always have to share your immediate feelings on the spot. I often mull over a situation by writing about it or discussing it with others. It's ok to go back and say, "Hey, remember the other day when I told you I thought going to the hockey game was a great idea? Well, I've given it some more thought, and I realized that I just don't have a great time at professional sporting events and I'd rather not go." Silly example, but you get the idea. If you have made an inauthentic statement about your feelings, it's ok to correct that statement.
posted by JennyK at 1:03 PM on September 9 [1 favorite]

Curse more! I could accept anyone's annoyingly Panglossian bromides if they peppered them with "motherfucker" and "shitballs" as needed.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:05 PM on September 9 [3 favorites]

Like you, I'm a little reserved, and sometimes this can make me seem a little more standoffish than I'd like. One thing that has really helped me to loosen up was improv-based acting classes -- and a couple of other reserved introvert friends of mine have had the same experience. If you're hanging out in an acting class, you'll be with a group of people who encourage (indeed, expect) a certain degree of risk-taking and emotional honesty (things that I tend to think of as "over-sharing," but actually turn out to be quite useful in moderation). And if you're doing improv, you'll get lots of practice at trusting your verbal instincts. I highly recommend the experience.

A quick search turns up a couple of promising-looking long-form improv classes in your area. I hope you give it a shot -- it's really a lot of fun and I think it could do wonders for your filter!
posted by ourobouros at 1:06 PM on September 9

OK, OK... really, what I would say is that I would only consider this a problem if you felt like it was artificial. In other words, are you really not an optimistic person? Do you just say optimistic things because you're trained to do so?

If not, I would just revel in the fact that you're lucky enough to always see the good, rather than trying to alter your perception of the world. Don't try to hard at managing other peoples' perceptions, just do what you do...
posted by Spaizy at 1:08 PM on September 9

I think it's most useful practising when you are with people. Choose some people, and some subjects, which you feel free to be totally negative around and about respectively. The people should be ones that you know reasonably well, and the subjects should be something (preferably both of) you need to get off your chest. Once you start opening up to some people, you'll find it easier. In my job I have to be pretty much positive and upbeat all the time, and I find it helps to sit down with someone and just... bitch. Get it out of my system, and then back to "hey! let's go ride bikes!" mode.

Once you've opened up that window, it should be much easier to fill in the middle ground between "Life is Wonderful" and "I shoulda torn that asshole a new one". Because the people around you fall in between "best friend" and "client".
posted by Wrinkled Stumpskin at 1:10 PM on September 9

I wish there were more optimistic people in my life. If that's really how you think about things, then you shouldn't stop expressing it.
posted by grouse at 1:27 PM on September 9

I'm quite positive myself, especially in response to other people's negativity or nonchalance. It works great in casual retail, great in generic social settings , but not so well in intimate occasions. Because sometimes your close friends do not want to hear the bright side, at least not off the bat. Sometimes they need to just say what's wrong and hear some empathy.

"This hamburger tastes horrible," does not need the response of "Children are starving in Africa." Yes, almost everything has a silver lining, but allow yourself to be in their shoes for a moment. The delicious hamburger they were hoping for has disappointed them. There are times in your life when you, too, have been disappointed by something. Revisit how that emotion feels (in your own head, not with an anecdote).

Maybe set a goal for when you're presented with someone's negative opinion about something. Make yourself say at least two things that validate their opinion before you paint a big ol' cheery sunshine on it.
posted by redsparkler at 1:30 PM on September 9 [2 favorites]

Yeah dude, have a beer or two. Once that happens to me, all bets are off, unless I'm near someone really important (except for my poor wife, who has witnessed this many times.)
posted by elder18 at 2:56 PM on September 9

I used to have the same problem and the only thing you can do about it is make an effort to be more honest and stop worrying about what people will think of it. It isn't actually very hard after a little while.
posted by twblalock at 3:13 PM on September 9 [1 favorite]

I know that I tend to go into pleasant-politically-correct robot mode whenever I'm not fully engaged in the conversation or my surroundings. Being with people you care about and talking about things you care about can make it much easier to tune in, not just to what's being said, but also to how you feel about it.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 3:22 PM on September 9 [1 favorite]

"You also might want to stop labeling yourself.

I'm an INTJ from X cultural background living in Y, and I usually do Z job, so that means I...

Self-talk matters."

Oh but we INTJs love to label ourselves. Then again it's a fair point. INTJs might not like to discuss feelings but we can certainly way overthink them. Personally I don't understand why it's now compulsory for everyone to be so frickin' outgoing in the first place. I mean god, if you're not careful you'll end up being an ENTJ. That's what happened to me.

You could write a journal or whatever but that will probably just encourage your tendency to think about it until you want to put a nail gun to your head. There's nothing better than just getting on with it and doing it. Here's a few things to start with:

Practice your mingling skills, many Dale Carnegie type books have some tips
Agree more with people when they say their times are tough, sometimes that's all the support they need.
And let them know your thoughts are with them (see how that evades expressing uncomfortable emotions)
posted by BAKERSFIELD! at 9:02 PM on September 9 [1 favorite]

Ah, this sounds familiar! Something that helped me was to keep reminding myself that (a) my opinions are valid, and (b) it's not my job to 'save' a situation. If I don't like a situation, I have every right to say so. Likewise, if there's something I would prefer to do, there's no need for me to sacrifice my desires for someone else's. I don't need to 'apologise' for someone's bad experience, so if they don't like a situation or didn't have a good time, they have every right to voice it, and I don't need to convince them otherwise.

Basically, what helped me (and what might help you) is to convince yourself that you are a more interesting person because of your opinions and causing social tension isn't necessarily a bad thing. It also helps to keep an internal dialogue, asking yourself, 'Do I like this?' 'What would I like?' 'Do I want to accept what this person is saying to me?'
posted by brambory at 12:35 AM on September 10 [3 favorites]

I am a very, very glass-half-full person with myself, because I know what I am capable of. I elect to live my life placing very high expectations on others, but knowing that people don't always fulfill them. I attempt to position myself and my work in a way that allows it to continue if/when someone else fails.

However, in the last couple of years I've taken an inordinate amount of crap right on my head, and none of it was my fault. My failure to stand up for myself and/or confront the offenders at the time and place of the event led to a LOT of stress and heartache on my part.

Now, that said, my personal modus opporundi is that if I fail, or feel bad, I simply gear down and try harder---put my shoulder into the problem as it were. The problem there was the the harder I tried the deeper the crap got---again, not my fault.

The answer I found---for my personal life and my professional one, was to be perpetually honest at all times. If someone asks "That's ok, right?" and it's not, I say "No, not really. However we/you can do/try ...." If someone says "Do you want to come over on Saturday" and I want to, I say "Absolutely! Yes! Let's!" if I don't, I say "You know, I really appreciate that, but I'm really looking forward to a weekend of solitude, next week?" Or something like that.

Seriously, we tell a million white lies every day. My suggestion to you is to STOP. Some of my friends think I've changed---and they're right, the difference is that I moved from living my life on someone else's terms to living it on my own. The result is also that, to my close friends, we're even closer. They absolutely know that if they ask for my honest, unfettered opinion, they get it. I usually qualify disagreements with something like "you elect to live your life differently than me, so I don't know if my opinion counts for beans. However, I think you let her get away with murder, and I don't know how you stand it." Etc.

It also means that I get whined to less---one friend in particular. She used to (still kinda does, maybe she's a masochist) complain to me daily about work/relationship/whatever, and nothing was ever ever her fault. Well, now, if I think she's being ridiculous, I tell her, or I turn it around and ask her what she's going to do about it.

I believe that you should be the person you want to be, living the life you want to live. I'm perpetually in a good mood, I love kids, and I'm a little outrageous at times. Lots of people think it means I'm homosexual, which while not offensive as such isn't really something I like to hear. The difference though is that I don't give 1 half of 1 flying fluck what just about anyone thinks minus my real friends----and they know me.

So...summary. Be who you want to be. If you want to be positive and brush off other peoples drama and bullshit, then do it. If you hate that part of yourself, change it. Start by being honest with yourself (that was hard. It's hard to admit to yourself that other people sometimes suck and screw up and it's not always your fault) and start treating others just the same. You don't have to be a dick---but you can call people on their BS and you can stop candy coating your answers.

When I quit my last job a couple months ago, I said to my coworker:
"I'll take shit all day long. I just won't eat it. Good bye."
posted by TomMelee at 5:54 AM on September 10 [2 favorites]

As you yourself recognize, this trait is helpful in many circumstances, so you wouldn't want to change completely. In my experience, such changes are very difficult to achieve anyway, and often come across as inauthentic and pareto-inferior. (Someone suggested cursing more; sometimes this comes across wonderfully, as with an unexpectedly salty granny or a Jack McBrayer aside, but I can tell you that more often it seems forced and out of character, like Julie Andrews baring her nethers.)

If I were you, I would -- when you meet someone you would like to like you -- acknowledge early on that you have this tendency, in a way that pokes a little fun at yourself. I think that this occasion-specific modification would be much easier to pull off, and would help build trust in someone that you weren't aloof or full of shit . . . just a bit of a Pollyanna, and one who likes them enough to blow the whistle on yourself. They may then feel more free to kid you when you cross the line.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 6:44 AM on September 10 [1 favorite]

Like you, I am also an introvert (INTP). Unlike some other people here, I don't think it's bad that you've "labeled" yourself. You are self-reflective and that's a very good thing.

My best advice is to pick up a copy of Marti Laney's "The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World." I'm reading it right now, and it's been extremely enlightening and useful. Introverts are only 25% of the population, and the vast majority of extroverts just don't know what to make of us. Some people (extroverts) perceive me as aloof when they meet me, but really I am just taking everything in, and I just need time to process and think before I speak. Don't worry, you're not alone!
posted by kookaburra at 11:30 AM on September 10