Dating someone in another country?

September 3, 2009 8:32 PM

How do you date someone in another country?

I met someone about 1 month ago on a dating site. 100 messages and daily chatting later, we're quite bonded. However, I do realize the importance of meeting in person sooner rather than later. So for the first meeting, I'm not sure if we should meet somewhere halfway. Or, if I flew to his country (which is quite expensive), would the proper etiquette be for him to offer to share the costs?

If there's anyone out there who's taken a gander at this, how did you do it?

posted by KimikoPi to human relations (7 comments total)

My instinctive concern, having spent time growing up living in the developing world, is one of power and equity in this budding relationship. This may be 100% off base, but if he is living in the developing world, and you are not (or vice versa), you should be very careful at the beginning of the relationship to set appropriate boundaries so that you don't inadvertently take advantage of him, and he doesn't take advantage of you.

You say you met him on a dating site- did you know from the outset that you guys were in different countries, one of which is quite expensive to get to? If not, that sends up red flags for me.

If he is as engaged in the new relationship as you are, I would think meeting somewhere neutral might be the best place- go online and look for cheap airfare for both of you. The location is less important than the fact that you'll both be investing energy in reaching the other and the location is neutral ground. Book separate hotel rooms (of course) and try to give yourself some freedom to light-heartedly get to know each other. Have a back-up plan (possibly bring a friend along) in case things don't work out, have a fun vacation/adventure regardless.

In terms of cost-sharing, I'd still say that you should try to find a location that airfare is relatively cheap for both of you. If, say, you can get there for X and his airfare costs 3X, you might suggest that the two of you split the airfare, so each of you pay 2X.

Good communication is paramount here- tell him everything you're thinking, and ask what he thinks about cost sharing and locating your meeting place. This sets the foundation for good communication in the future, and avoids resentment or ill will.

Sorry to sound all serious, but I was in a similar relationship (we met in the same location, but continued our relationship from separate continents) and I suspect that better communication would have led to a more optimal conclusion. Good luck!
posted by arnicae at 11:05 PM on September 3

Yes, barring him being an absolute pauper, the proper etiquette would be for him to offer to share the costs. In fact, if you have similar financial situations he should probably pay more than half, as you're the one taking the most inconvenience and risk if you're flying to his country.

I would think meeting somewhere neutral might be the best place- go online and look for cheap airfare for both of you. The location is less important than the fact that you'll both be investing energy in reaching the other and the location is neutral ground.

I second this, but depending on what countries you two live in, it might not be entirely practical. I met my S.O on the internet, and when we met we decided who was going to travel based on who would have to disrupt their life the least to do so (I ended up doing it, because I was only working part time and I had a crapton of leave I need to use up anyway). If the airfares each way are significantly different, take that into account to. Basically do a cost benefit analysis. If a neutral location is significantly more inconvenient or expensive, you'll have to decide for yourself whether the perceived "fairness" is worth it.

Be prepared for the fact that if this relationship works out, you're going to have this problem magnified by like a thousand if you eventually decide you don't want to do the long distance thing anymore. Who moves where? How do you decide? Do either of you even have the right to live/work/whatever in each other's country without having to get married to do so? Do you have the skills and qualifications to be able to establish yourself somewhere else? Do you have ties in your current location that you can't bear to permanently leave? I'd recommend thinking about these questions before you pursue a LDR. Because LDRs suck. Yeah, they work for some people, but the majority of people find them very difficult to handle.

I was extremely lucky that my S.O lived in a country where I didn't need a visa or anything, have an automatic right to work and live based on my citizenship, where the language is the same and the culture is mostly fairly similar. So when I eventually moved here, the logistical hassles were a lot less than they could have been if he'd lived somewhere else. But even so, I'm still unemployed and ineligible for any kind of assistance, running out of money, and facing the reality that I may well have to leave somebody I love very much.

Good luck to you.
posted by lwb at 11:27 PM on September 3

Yes, keying in on what lwb has to say- cultural differences amounted to a suprisingly large deal between me and my s.o. We come from relatively similar countries and having grown up in a number of countries I think of myself as being pretty flexible...but cultural differences really came to the fore over time.
posted by arnicae at 11:40 PM on September 3

You say "chatting"...just to be clear, do you mean talking via phone or Skype, or online chat? That makes a big difference. You can get a better feel for a person if you can see them while talking, so some video chat might be a good option regardless of what you later decide to do.

If he's up for it, I'd recommend meeting somewhere halfway. If you don't hit it off it's slightly less awkward, I would think, for you to be in a country where you are both strangers, rather than being on his home turf.

Also, this takes the pressure off of meeting and encountering other people in his life (particularly family).

Until you have established that you have, um, chemistry together, avoid hotel rooms altogether if you can. Even if you still have your own rooms, where are you going to relax and hang out? Instead, go for hostels. They're cheaper, a little more laid back, and there are other people around to take away some of the tension of your initial in-person meeting. Later on, if you hit it off, you can always get a room.
posted by Deathalicious at 12:38 AM on September 4

I experienced this (what now seems like) ages ago. It resulted in a wonderful, crazy & happy tale and likewise marriage. The really-long-distance relationship is special. Not many couples have their 'first date' cost hundreds of dollars and last for two weeks! It means having to look at things a lot more long term and seriously earlier on than 'normal' couples do.

I flew to his country. I wanted to see where he lived, what his life was like. I can appreciate how going to a halfway spot makes some sense, but cripes... I really wanted to get to know him better! Also, you may end up spending a LOT more time in his country so check it out. (This all applies in reverse.)

Try to not get in a situation where one person may feel overly indebted or resentful or the relationship is unbalanced. This is really important because at some point one (or both) of you may have to leave everything behind so that you can be together. This is a big ask, of both of you. I moved, was totally scared (and excited and hopeful)... he was too, and felt a huge responsibility.

So, I flew to him. Then he flew to me. Repeat a few times. I have ended up immigrating to his country, but I know if I asked him to move to mine, he would, happily. Knowing this makes all the difference. It just came down to what life brought us (jobs mostly).

It's expensive and difficult to visit each other? Yes, get used to it and be prepared for this to probably not end. Even after you're living together, if you want to keep in touch with family you're flying home every year or two.

Back to the initial meeting: Be safe! Be prepared for things to go wrong. Talk openly about these things with him and come up with plans. I had names and numbers of people I could go stay with if things went wrong. People back home had his numbers and I was to call home at certain times/dates. I had a plane ticket I could change anytime. We talked about the possibility & implications of one or neither of us feeling attraction. The sleeping arrangements. Expectations. It was a good start to an honest, communicative relationship.

Sharing costs is another good discussion. If you share costs, what possible expectations and resentments could arise if it doesn't work out. Talk it through... again, this seems negative when all you want to do is moon over each other, but a really good exercise in dealing with the sort of crap couples have to work out eventually anyway.

Keep track of dates, don't overstay your visa, document your relationship. You'll need all this for immigration later.

Have fun.
posted by spandex at 2:09 AM on September 4 [2 favorites]

You should be aware that many con artists and scammers use this as their precise MO. I assume you've done due diligence, but if not, you should.
posted by fourcheesemac at 5:32 AM on September 4 [3 favorites]

Well, though it deals with a somewhat negative situation, you could learn a lot from this question and its answers about not only some of what not to do, but also some of what you should consider doing.
posted by metalheart at 7:00 AM on September 4