Did I screw up my friendship breakup?
July 24, 2009 1:13 PM Subscribe
Yet another friendship breakup question. A very, very dear friend has disappeared from my life during the past three years. We had this amazing chemistry, which we both acknowledged... until she cut me off her life with no explanation. I have three actual questions on friendship breakups.
posted by anonymous to human relations (43 answers total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
During the last three years, she's been more and more difficult to get in touch with. During the last year and a half, there has been no contact from her end. She's also behaved in a strangely rude manner towards many people: failing to keep any promises, simply disappearing and refusing all contact when needed, etc. Some of these incidents have been work-related or important in other ways.
Before all communications ceased, she emailed me a couple of times, profusely telling how much she liked me and missed my company. After these, nothing.
I replied one of the emails saying I missed her company too, and how rare it was for me to have a friend like her. I didn't want to act too mushy or demanding. I said it'd be cool if she could just let me know she was OK every now and then; I'd be fine with that if she was being very busy. I never got a reply.
Fast-forward a year and a half, during which nothing much has happened. I tried to call her a few times, maybe once every two or three months. I texted her a couple of times, just nice and short stuff you could've answered with ":)" or whatever. (I hate to be harassed by some of my socially hyperactive friends and enjoy my privacy, so I tried to be as non-invasive as possible while also telling her, in a short and unmushy way, that I was thinking of her.) I don't want to be a clingy friend-cum-stalker who can't take a hint, so every time I called or texted or emailed her, I made sure I kept it sincere but casual.
She never called or texted me back. Finally I heard she was giving the silent treatment to some of our mutual friends - but not all of them. From what people told, she was clearly capable of maintaining close friendships with other people.
I've slowly accepted the fact that she doesn't want to continue our friendship, and that perhaps it never meant as much to her as it did to me. I'm getting over the friendship breakup, but it's been surprisingly hard. It feels as if I've lost a part of myself along with the friendship, and have to grow something new in its place to fill the gap.
I have three questions:
1) Have you ever been that person? Can you shed any light on why a person would behave like this? People sometimes fade out of each other's lives, but it's hard to understand why someone first tells you she likes you and misses you a lot, and then behaves like a complete arse. You're not her, I know, but knowing other points of view may help. A lot.
2) We may bump into each other in the future. I don't know how I'd react at the moment. Have you been in that situation? What happened? I sort of dread bumping into her, which feels totally absurd!
3) Is there anything I could've done to save the friendship? I've tried very hard to respect her privacy while making clear how much she meant to me. Have I somehow managed to screw things up?
(Posting anonymously as her Google-fu is top notch.)