I always dreamed I'd live in Paris. Instead, I'm back on the land.

June 28, 2009 7:22 AM

Living on the land. With my parents. And my boyfriend. Am I crazy?

My boyfriend and I, with help from my father (who was a builder for 30 something years) spent most of last year renovating a barn. This said barn is on my parent's land- like 10 acres- and now me and the BF are living in it. I have a good relationship with the BF, and a pretty good- (well solid, at least) relationship to my parents. (BTW, the barn is AWESOME and beautiful, and we did it for less than 25,000 bucks so awesomer). We have a lot of room to garden, make things, build things here and there is no way we could have afforded to do this without their help- land like this is just WAY to expensive in the area I live now.( we could have, maybe at some point, we wanted to do it now, so we leapt at the opportunity). So the help came in the way of them basically "giving" me the barn, though we paid for all the renovations (well, we are paying it off now). And of course, my father contributed a lot with his building skills.

However, now that we are here, realistically, living so close to my mother and father is a little-- weird. Or maybe the weirdness is just inside me head. Things have gone fairly smoothly so far- the barn is a good distance from their house, and we both have a lot of respect for each others space and boundaries.

So, there are a lot of questions inside this question, but have other people done this- lived this close to their parents, with their S/O or otherwise, and pulled it off without freaking out? It feels a little like an experiment so far, and while my parents are great people, boundaries, expectations, legal ownership of the land, etc, etc are all questions we have not yet negotiated upon yet, though attempts to do this so far have made things feel complicated. I could go into all the nitty gritty, but I'm more concerned about the big picture.

So I guess I'm mostly just asking in a broader sense- have other people lived close to their family/in laws and how have they made it work without going crazy? Not just back to the land/homesteady types either, but in any shape or form.

posted by Rocket26 to human relations (18 comments total)

Lived with my in-laws for several months, once. The key to sanity, for us, was keeping some separation in our lives. We generally made our own meal plans (although we did also eat with them frequently), watched our own TV, went out on excursions together.

Generally we would choose the only time we spent with them and that worked out well for everyone. I think what made it work so well was that everyone respected each others' boundaries. You need to establish them early to avoid potential for friction or hurt feelings later.
posted by empyrean at 7:41 AM on June 28

I think the Golden Rule for living with other people is to not let things build up. If your parents do anything that is bothering your, work on resolving it, whether it's coming up with practical solutions for you and your boyfriend to quietly put in place, or talking things over with your parents. And ask them to do the same.

And remember, it's only in Western society that we have this ideal of every nuclear family being totally independent. In other cultures generations habitually live together and have a much more communal way of life, and in many ways it's an easier way of life because you can all work together and help each other out in times of crisis. You just need to develop a little perspective about the non-freakiness of your living arrangements.
posted by orange swan at 7:47 AM on June 28 [5 favorites has favorites]

My wife and I lived with my parents in the same house for about 6 months. I love my parents. That said, at the 6 month mark it was definitley time to go. This is a deeply psychological issue- As long as I'm under my parents roof- or in their barn, maybe- I feel like I'm still 16. I act a little weird. I feel kind of impotent.

Because you have your own large space, maybe it's not so bad. But if you're feeling a little weird, I'm right there with you.
posted by GilloD at 8:00 AM on June 28

Someone's got to say it: you really need to get the whole ownership thing formalized legally. You say you're paying off the 25 grand for the renovations, but where did the money come from to begin with? You don't want to find yourself a year or two down the road, maybe having had some kind of falling-out with the folks, being forced (or just wanting) to move out of the barn and have NOTHING to show for your work and the payments you've made. That's the sort of thing that creates enough bitterness for family members to quit speaking to one another for years and years.

Get it all formalized. Legally -- not just a promise or an "agreement" of some kind. Get it all down on paper as a contract. It protects them and it protects you and your boyfriend.

I know you're just looking for "big picture" advice but I really think this is a critical part of the big picture. Once your ownership and financial stake in the project are legally formalized, that's going to be a huge weight off your mind and it will make dealing with your parents a lot less potentially weird.
posted by rhartong at 8:02 AM on June 28 [11 favorites has favorites]

One big thing is to keep your physical boundaries, i.e. you don't get to walk into their house without knocking and being invited in and they don't get to enter yours without knocking and being invited in.

As long as you each have your own private domain, things will be a lot smoother.
posted by Billegible at 8:05 AM on June 28

I've lived with my S.O. and her parents in a double-wide mobile home for a couple months while her parents were figuring where to go next. It was close quarters, but we all survived. Having space that is wholly your own is helpful, and so I'd often go wandering just to stretch my legs and get some space, but you and your boyfriend have a whole barn. But don't forget to have personal space for each of you, too.

As orange swan said, don't let things go unsaid. Speak your mind, calmly and clearly, when something comes up. As rhartong said, getting a formal contract will help in the long term, and could help everyone know where they stand in the situation.

Have you talked to your boyfriend? Family relationships can be strange and strained, but he might feel like the odd man out in some situations. I'd make sure he feels safe, comfortable, and like he's doing his part in all this. Living with my S.O.'s parents, who really enjoy cooking and cleaning, made me feel like something of a leech in the situation. In the small quarters, they got most things done without need or help from me.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:14 AM on June 28

Certainly others have done it (I know one couple who has lived four doors down from his mom for 25 years), but your case has some sticky factors:

You've started with a sizable parental gift, and added a sizable investment of your own funds directly into the parental gift, plus your emotional investment of doing the work yourself. Your family now has at least the potential for a great deal of control over your lives, since they know you aren't likely to just pack up for the next available rental. If you see this as "help," then all is well.

Even cordial family relationships can change, particularly when there's money or property involved. It would have been nice had you hammered out ownership issues prior, but it's definitely in your best interest to take care of the legalities.
posted by sageleaf at 8:32 AM on June 28

Concur on keeping the dialogue open, but also recognize that while what you are doing may feel 'weird' for our generation, it is really a return to the tried and true family system that western civilization has shared for hundreds of years. So, it clearly can work. In fact, I think you'll find that more people will find that moving into similar situations make sense as time goes on. So enjoy being a trendsetter and keep track of what works to help the rest of us later (whether we be the younger or older in the relationship).
posted by meinvt at 9:07 AM on June 28

I was very fortunate that my parents chose to grow our relationship as we (all) matured, and -mostly- shed the parent/kid interactions in favor of peer/peer ones. Can you and your family pull this off? It may take your initiative, imagination, and your patience as they try to shed the habits of twenty-plus years of parenting you. You can all recognize rationally that your welfare no longer depends on them exercising those habits, but the transition may be slower than you might like. It can be done. Can you and your family? You know your family dynamics. Good luck!
posted by TruncatedTiller at 9:08 AM on June 28

Other things that may come up, based on personal experience... 1) impact on the relationships between you, your parents and your siblings, if any, both emotionally and in terms of inter-generational wealth transfer and 2) implications for where the responsibility for helping your parents as they age will fall. Day to day, my mind goes to chores and the maintenance/improvements made to the land, especially common areas: everything from who mows the field to when to re-pave the driveway and who pays for the blacktop. Lastly, everyone needs an understanding of what happens if you and your boyfriend break up (or, should you marry, divorce). TruncatedTiller's comment reminds me that one of the most satisfying things in my life has been forging inter-generational peer relationships with members of my family.
posted by carmicha at 9:59 AM on June 28

So you're not in the same house?

I don't see this as a problem, as long as you have a solid relationship with them. Two of my cousins lived on the same land as their parents, within sight of their house. They agreed, all of them, that there would be no "dropping in" on anyone's house. Phone calls were required. And if someone didn't answer the phone but the lights were on, it was to be assumed that the non-answerers needed some time alone. No feelings got hurt that way, as long as no one was shunned for long periods of time. They had Sunday dinner together every week and quite frankly, didn't see each other too much at home beyond that. I was always kind of envious of the arrangement because once my cousins started having babies, there was a built-in support system already in place.

Just outline some rules and make sure everyone stays civil at all times.
posted by cooker girl at 10:18 AM on June 28 [1 favorite has favorites]

This is an incredibly Southern thing to do. I know one family that did it-the daughter and son-in-law built their house next door to the parents and the land was considered inheritance given early. These days they both have moved-the daughter first-and everyone still loves each other so I guess for them it worked really well.

I would talk to someone-real estate lawyer perhaps? Just to make sure you know where you stand legally. What if your folks died, for instance? Would you lose claim to your home? This is the very reason (among others in our case) that my hubby and I did not do something similar with my parents-I wanted something that I KNEW was mine and could count on staying that way.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 10:28 AM on June 28

I think I would see it like a family-owned thing. It sounds like you have the ideal situation for it - no boundary issues with the parents feeling like they should be able to walk in and out of your place or be all in your business or whatever. As far as ownership issues, you should probably talk about that, but I'd be inclined to think it's theirs with the expectation that it (the whole thing) will be left to you eventually, and passed on in the family to your children someday. You should pitch in with the work and money investment as if it were yours, but until your parents are gone, you should not expect to be the decision maker about what happens to it (i.e., knocking down buildings, renting to strangers, etc.) You will also be obligated to take care of your parents when the time comes, perhaps assuming their expenses while they live in the house they live in.

I would not insult my parents by making them put something like that in writing*, but I would have a talk to make sure I understood what was going on if I felt confused. I don't know your family, of course.

The BF should have no expectation that he has any stake in it, except through you. If you marry, you should definitely get that in an agreement ahead of time. Maybe it would be best to write up an agreement now, if he's contributing a large amount of money. He needs to know that, for now, any money he contributes should be considered a gift with no expectation of ownership, unless your parents cut him in on something legally.

* if that is their intention though, they need to PUT IT IN THEIR WILL and not assume that that is what will happen.
posted by ctmf at 10:33 AM on June 28

As long as your parents aren't crazy, you should be fine. It's always a little strange for Westerners to share space, we're not very good at it. But I'm sure you can strike a balance.

The only story I have is a bad one - my friend and her husband lived in a guest house on his mother's property. He still lives there, alone, if you get my drift. The MIL was the number one reason their marriage broke up. So again, as long as narcissism and other insanity-inducing behaviors don't exist, you should be fine.
posted by anniek at 2:54 PM on June 28

I lived with my husband at my in-law's place for about four months out of grad school (while job hunting), and it was fine. We just sat down early on and laid out some ground rules regarding privacy. We would also do things out of the house a lot - just the two of us - in order to get some alone time. It helped that the house was pretty big, and we all get along really well.

I think it will start to feel less weird as time goes on, if you can all agree on enough privacy that everyone is comfortable. Just keep an eye on your boyfriend - seems to me that he could potentially be the one under the most stress from the situation.
posted by gemmy at 5:16 PM on June 28

It depends on what the parents are like. I'd have no problem if it was my parents as they've always respected my privacy. But yeah, the legal issues should be dealt with.

This is an incredibly Southern thing to do.
St. Alia of the Bunnies


In my entire life I've known one family to do this. This is not an incredibly southern thing to do, and you do not represent the south. Those two facts go hand in hand.
posted by justgary at 2:41 AM on July 5

Justgary, there are tons of families right here in my area that have done exactly as above, and for those that have the land it is incredibly common. I will thank you to respect my observations as a Southerner in NC whose roots go back quite a ways. I am a five or ten minute drive from a family that has a considerable chunk of land on which every child has a section and a house on it. We have known them for years. There are also plenty of marriages around here whose first home was a trailer on their mom and dad's property. And again, my parents wished to have this with me as well but as an only child it was important to me to have...certain boundaries.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 9:31 AM on July 5

(it might not be as common with the golf course set, justgary. Perhaps it is a social class thing as well. )
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 9:33 AM on July 5