Girlfriend still on OKCupid

June 14, 2009 1:40 PM

We met on OKCupid and started dating. I deleted my profile... she didn't. What to do?

Everything else in our relationship is going great. I guess I really don't expect her to delete it. She's changed her status on OKCupid to 'seeing someone' and is now only looking for 'new friends'. Still, something about it makes me uncomfortable - it is a dating site, after all.

I've tried to bring it up once or twice, with her reassuring me that she's only ever replied to two or three guys on the site, and I shouldn't be worried. But I am worried! Occasionally I peek at her profile discreetly. It seems like she logs on every few days, and her page says "Replies Often". From what I hear, attractive girls get messages a lot, so this doesn't seem to jibe with the "hardly ever replying" thing.

I've always thought the whole "oh, i'm just on OKCupid for the quizzes/for fun" thing was just a clever way to make people uncomfortable with dating sites be able to excuse themselves for being on a dating site.

I'm trying not to go crazy-jealous-boyfriend here... but do I have a reason to be? I trust her and want to believe her. Maybe she's telling the truth and OKCupid's "how often user X replies" indicator is broken? I know most of the answers to this will be 'talk to her about it', but I've tried!

posted by anonymous to human relations (49 comments total)

sounds like crazy jealous boyfriend to me. Why not just let things slide. If you really do become a partnership, she will inevitably close the profile. Just be a better boyfriend.
posted by parmanparman at 1:41 PM on June 14 [2 favorites]

It is in OKCupid's financial interest to make it look like they have more members, and more active members, than they actually do.
posted by box at 1:44 PM on June 14

Yes, you are being crazy jealous boyfriend right now. That doesn't mean everything's fine, but at this point there's zero evidence of anything or any reason to suspect her.

Stop "occasionally peeking at her profile", discretely or not.

Stop that right now. There is nothing but misery in that direction.
posted by rokusan at 1:44 PM on June 14 [12 favorites]

How long have you been dating for?

If it's anything less than 6 months, you are over reacting. After all, she may not be comfortable that this is long term, yet, while still having zero interest in cheating on you. You may be completely right, but you also may be completely paranoid; there isn't enough information to decide. Nor to determine the correct action.
posted by Brockles at 1:46 PM on June 14 [3 favorites]

She's changed her status on OKCupid to 'seeing someone' and is now only looking for 'new friends'.

So there's no problem. I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months. We didn't meet on OKCupid, but I'm still on there, marked as "seeing someone" and looking for "new friends." She doesn't have a problem with it, and neither should you.
posted by ludwig_van at 1:46 PM on June 14 [2 favorites]

I'm trying not to go crazy-jealous-boyfriend here
well congratulations but you are.

she has the right to do whatever she pleases and there is nothing wrong with visiting websites, even a dating website. the question is whether she is dating anyone else. you couldn't stop her from falling in love with anyone else anyway, be it on a sidewalk, in the grocery store aisle or online, so do the only positive thing you can: be the coolest boyfriend she ever had. and guess what - that usually works.
posted by krautland at 1:47 PM on June 14 [21 favorites]

I'm stupid like this too. I didn't meet my boyfriend on OKCupid but I knew he had a profile. I had one too but basically never really did anything with it [emailed a few people, found a few of my friends on it and said hi] and when we started dating I changed the profile to "seeing someone" [I think?] and just looking for friends. OKC mails me stuff every once in a while which I pretty much ignore. That said, if I thought for a second this made my boyfriend uncomfortable, I'd delete it immediately. The only reason I haven't is laziness and just liking having some sort of profile in case local folks wanted someone to have a burrito with (my bf is not local). That said, we're not "officially" hooked up on facebook, or even on MeFi actually.

If I were you, I'd mention it to her in as unjealous a way as possible that it made you feel a little weird and see what she says and follow her lead. It would be crazy-jealous to be all "YOU MUST CLOSE IT" but I think it's just being communicative to let her know that it's making you feel a little strange and continues to do so.
posted by jessamyn at 1:47 PM on June 14 [2 favorites]

I wouldn't say you're crazy, but you are wrong.
posted by grobstein at 1:48 PM on June 14

My boyfriend of five years stayed on the dating site we met on for almost year after we started dating. And it was pay sight (at least for him). It was a big internal struggle for me to not make a big deal of it and/or get obsessive about it. I finally did say something (gently, that it made me feel weird). I don't know when he finally pulled it. But, yes... I think you are over reacting a little early in the game. Quit checking her profile.
posted by kimdog at 1:49 PM on June 14

The thing to worry about is the dating site profile that is a) kept secret from the person's SO and b) indicates the user's status as "single" or otherwise open to offers. Neither applies here, so you're in jealous boyfriend territory.
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:49 PM on June 14

you couldn't stop her from falling in love with anyone else anyway, be it on a sidewalk, in the grocery store aisle or online, so do the only positive thing you can: be the coolest boyfriend she ever had. and guess what - that usually works.

This is a really, really useful point to remember when it comes to jealousy issues in general. If the man she simply must be with for the rest of her life walks into her office, or into the dry cleaners, or whatever, no aspect of your dating contract, spoken or unspoken, is going to stop her falling for him. And if you think about it, that's probably a good thing. Meanwhile, if you're spending a majority of weekend evenings with her, you really don't need to worry about who's at the emotional epicentre of her life at the moment.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 1:52 PM on June 14 [7 favorites]

OKcupid is a social networking site. Yes, you can search for relationships, but there is more to it than that. You don't seem to realize or appreciate that, while your girlfriend does. There are journals, blogs and forums which, if you think about it, doesn't make it a whole lot different from metafilter. You've talked to her, and she's said her piece and if you don't believe that then maybe things aren't going as great as you think. We all have different places on the web that we call home, and maybe she has friends there who are more trusting than the ones she has IRL.
posted by sambosambo at 1:52 PM on June 14 [1 favorite]

I mean, obviously, the "weekend evenings" thing depends slightly on where you two live, what work you do, etc. But there's only so much time in the week for going on dates.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 1:54 PM on June 14

OKCupid is more than just a dating site. It is a social networking site. In a lot of ways, it's like a Facebook for "friends" (Facebook-style) you have not yet made. I, for one, made a few good friends (real-world style) off the site. If she says don't worry about it, don't worry about it.

Besides, either it will work out, or it won't. Appreciation of the here and now is a more fun use of your time than worrying, anyway. (:
posted by aniola at 1:54 PM on June 14

She changed her status, and you've already discussed this before. l think bringing it up again would come across as jealous and possessive. I would let it go and stop checking her profile. Even if I wasn't doing anything wrong (which as far as I can tell your girl is totally on the up and up), I would be bothered by someone monitoring my online activity.
posted by katemcd at 1:54 PM on June 14 [1 favorite]

Data point:
I get a smallish but steady stream of emails on OKC. I haven't replied to any in an embarrassingly long time. I have a little green light- Replies Often- by my name. Not yellow, not the red I deserve, green. Poor guys.

But also, yeah, there's a lot of platonic interaction going on at that site as well. As long as she's "Seeing Someone", I don't think you have cause to worry.
posted by notquitemaryann at 2:06 PM on June 14 [1 favorite]

I used OKCupid for meeting friends when I moved cross country. It's more of a social networking site than a dating site in the vein of match.com or whatever. Plus I do the quizzes and shit when I get bored, it's an easy way to waste 10 minutes. If you put your status as "seeing someone" you don't show up in the search results or other things for people looking for dates.
posted by bradbane at 2:07 PM on June 14

It sounds like you still visit the site a lot, too. Wonder how she might feel if she knew that much, without knowing more.
posted by thejoshu at 2:19 PM on June 14 [2 favorites]

This is a really, really useful point to remember when it comes to jealousy issues in general. If the man she simply must be with for the rest of her life walks into her office, or into the dry cleaners, or whatever, no aspect of your dating contract, spoken or unspoken, is going to stop her falling for him.

Funny, when my last gf started telling me in week 3 that she was no good at long term, that she breaks up after 4 months, I gave her that exact speech, but using movie stars for examples. We stayed together for 4 years, a world-record for her. She always brought up "the speech."

It pays to realize these facts.

If worse comes to worse, tell her your only human and ask her to take it off.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:24 PM on June 14 [2 favorites]

Oh, good lord. If you trust her, drop it. If you don't, break up with her. Don't be that guy who punishes her for your insecurities.
posted by Space Kitty at 2:26 PM on June 14 [4 favorites]

I am a former member of OKC, and just so you know, members can see who has visited their profile. Unless you have turned this option off in your own profile settings, she will know that you have been visiting her profile including the date/time of the visits.

I am a woman and I have done what you're doing when I started seeing someone on various online dating sites over the years. I'm not necessarily proud of this behavior, but for some of us with insecurity/self-esteem issues, it does happen.

Eventually, either the relationship will end or keep going and get stronger. Let this go; it's just bad for your head.

And fortheloveofgod, if you have to keep checking her profile, turn off the option for members to see that you have visited their profiles in your settings.

Good luck and I hope things work out for you.
posted by angiewriter at 2:30 PM on June 14 [1 favorite]

dude I am you. Here's a rational: because she is listed as "in a relationship" she probably gets few replies. Maybe some of them are nice people saying "hey, are you still in a relationship?" And maybe she says, "yeah, still am, good luck looking".

If you ever figure out how not to think this way, please let me know. It's very tiring, and it makes the things you don't want to happen happen.

Try deep breathing. That helps sometimes. Seems like she likes you dude. Honestly, having someone put "seeing someone" seems like a slightly big deal.
posted by sully75 at 2:33 PM on June 14 [1 favorite]

Did you ever think that she could be replying often to tell people she's not interested? Or that maybe some of the messages she is replying to are friendship ones and not dating ones? Or it could be the same situation as with notquitemaryann and she hasn't been replying to any since you started dating.
I think you're being kinda paranoid/obsessive.
posted by ishotjr at 2:33 PM on June 14

I'll go contrarian here and say that you're not being crazy jealous boyfriend; with a large caveat that it depends on how long you've been dating.

If you've told her that it makes you uncomfortable and she still refuses to give it up, that's a warning flag. It's not DTMFA, but a warning flag.
posted by DWRoelands at 2:37 PM on June 14 [2 favorites]

Jealousy is a weed; Love is a flower. Weeds are easier to grow, and harder to kill.
posted by discountfortunecookie at 2:54 PM on June 14 [11 favorites]

Jealousy is a weed; Love is a flower. Weeds are easier to grow, and harder to kill.
posted by discountfortunecookie at 2:54 PM on June 14

eponysterical!

Anyway, as others have said, quit surreptitiously looking at her profile. There is absolutely nothing good that can come from that. It will lead to speculation and assumptions on your part. If this is really eating at you, then bring it up with her. Just be careful in the way that you phrase it. Do not say "you are making me uncomfortable with your presence on OK Cupid," rather tell her that you feel uncomfortable with the profile and that you would like to discuss it with her. Your basically saying the same thing, only one is accusatory and the other is talking about your feelings.
posted by anansi at 3:17 PM on June 14 [1 favorite]

Just because she has a new boyfriend doesn't mean she no longer needs friends. If you think otherwise then yeah, crazy jealous boyfriend. If you don't then what's the problem? Her profile is honest after all.
posted by shelleycat at 3:23 PM on June 14 [1 favorite]

(Users can't see when people logged out or who have deleted their profiles visit their profiles.)

(Also, nthing people who say you are being a wee bit crazy boyfriendish. It's the sort of thing I'm trying to train myself not to do, to be honest.)
posted by Casuistry at 3:49 PM on June 14

sounds like you two just have different assumptions about what okc is used for, and that you should clarify them. some people use it to make friends, some only for dating, but it's also a big polyamory hangout. i'm a single female and have been contacted by several "seeing someone" guys, and haven't made any platonic friends (i don't hang out and do quizzes n stuff).

also the site has some very bizarre technical problems (schemes?): i've had people write to me that say i winked at them when i didn't, and vice versa. trust your girlfriend, not the screen.
posted by hereticfig at 3:52 PM on June 14

You're speaking a different language than her. To you, deleting the profile is the natural thing to do, because you were looking for a significant other and that's all, so now that you've found one, there's no need for a profile. To you, keeping up a profile is some sign of not being committed or cheating or something. There's nothing inherently wrong wit that line of thought, but you have to realize that no everyone thinks as you do, specifically your girlfriend. That doesn't make her wrong at all, but it points to a small but extremely different point of view between you two on how relationships should be.

You're going to have figure out just how important this is to you, be to me, a complete stranger looking at this brief description of the situation, this is something that will slowly gnaw at you over the life of the relationship. I'd suggest investigating and re-evaluating just how important this is, as it has excellent potential for destroying the relationship.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:42 PM on June 14 [1 favorite]

I've always thought the whole "oh, i'm just on OKCupid for the quizzes/for fun" thing was just a clever way to make people uncomfortable with dating sites be able to excuse themselves for being on a dating site.

I have never even considered using OKCupid for anything other than the quizzes and keeping in touch with friends.
posted by HFSH at 4:48 PM on June 14 [1 favorite]

I can see how you would think that is weird, but I do think you're overreacting a bit. It may be hard to believe, but I have friends who are in committed relationships (or married) but keep their okcupid profiles running so they can take advantage of the site to actually just find friends.

Yeah, I think it's a little weird... but if you trust your girlfriend (the real-life version of her), then you trust her. Don't stress about what's online.
posted by Zephyrial at 6:01 PM on June 14

She may want to spy on her girlfriends picks.

I have been dating a lady I met on OKCupid for 2 years and my profile is still up. It says in no uncertain terms that I am unavailable, but I still use it to check out perspective mates of my friends.
posted by bensherman at 6:01 PM on June 14

People do use OKCupid just for quizzes. That is not a lie as I have met the strange breed firsthand.
posted by OrangeDrink at 7:19 PM on June 14

Just gotta say, okcupid won't give your name back if you delete your account, so in this day and age, i think you are being extremely crazy (and or inconsistent and day I say, uncaring, in your online persona preferences).
posted by shownomercy at 7:21 PM on June 14

My girlfriend of ~8 months and I both have our OkC profiles up, set to "seeing someone." I edited mine to say in no uncertain terms that I am not looking, after getting a couple of messages from people. I haven't looked at hers in several months, but I trust her. Not sure if you should necessarily trust your girlfriend, but I'd say it's not "DTMFA" territory by any means. It might be reasonable to ask her to put a more strongly worded "not looking to date" message up, but it depends on your boundaries with eachother.
posted by Alterscape at 9:24 PM on June 14

I dunno.. As a single data point to the contrary, I don't think you're being crazy and I disagree with most of the above folks. Now maybe people use OKC for non-dating stuff, but ostensibly dating is what it's for, and I suspect despite her status she gets a slew of feeler e-mails from men with less than platonic interests. I think it's sort of disrespectful of her to keep up the account whether your jealousy is entirely rational or not. Your response is a natural and common one that any decent partner in a monogamous relationship that has been going on for at least a few months ought to consider before continuing to solve puzzles on a random website.
posted by drpynchon at 9:37 PM on June 14

I've always thought the whole "oh, i'm just on OKCupid for the quizzes/for fun" thing was just a clever way to make people uncomfortable with dating sites be able to excuse themselves for being on a dating site.

I'm on OKCupid and have been for over 5 years. I'm also engaged, and have a bolded section first thing about that in my profile, along with "Seeing Someone" as my status. My reason for sticking around is exactly the one you quote, because OKCupid is not a normal dating site at all, given how it developed and what the site's composed of. My fiance is also still on there, and we often compare how we answer the match questions. It's pathetic maybe, and geeky sure, but definitely genuine. Might want to revise your assumptions about that site in particular.

Also, what krautland said is the most concise hard-to-really-take-to-heart-but-nonetheless-best advice you will find about dating period/in general, frankly.
posted by ifjuly at 10:01 PM on June 14

I always thought that people who are on there for "just friends" or "activity partners" are full of shit. It is an online dating site. It has "cupid" in the name. If people were just looking for friends, they'd use meetup or facebook or something. How long have you been dating this person? How serious is it? People are on that site for one reason, and that's to shop around.
posted by Afroblanco at 10:17 PM on June 14

And before you just write off my opinion, consider this --

How often do heterosexuals troll OKC for members of the same sex?

Yeah, thought so.

"Umm, yeah, I'm looking for Just Friends. Girl Just Friends." Yeah right.

Anyway, doesn't mean she's cheating or is going to cheat. But she's probably not totally committed to you, and wouldn't be opposed to "trading up." That's not necessarily saying it's going to happen. Who knows? Maybe you're as good as it gets. I certainly hope so :)

I guess it really all depends on how long you've been dating and what your own level of commitment is. If you haven't been together for all that long, aren't totally committed, or occasionally find yourself entertaining thoughts of "trading up," I'd say don't worry about it.
posted by Afroblanco at 10:31 PM on June 14

It really could just be habit at this point. I know that I would have a wicked hard time quitting FaceBook or MetaFilter and my habit on both is to comment frequently.

Don't panic unless you have actual reason to believe she's being unfaithful. A little trust goes a long way in the relationship. Also: how/why are you checking up on her behavior on a site that you say you're no longer involved with? Relax. It's just the internet.

you couldn't stop her from falling in love with anyone else anyway, be it on a sidewalk, in the grocery store aisle or online, so do the only positive thing you can: be the coolest boyfriend she ever had. and guess what - that usually works.

Yup. This has absolutely been my stance on relationships. I don't have a jealous bone in my body because hey, if you want to be with me, you'll be with me. If you meet someone else, there's absolutely NOTHING in my power to do to stop it. If I act like a jealous nutcase, that's going to make you not want to be with me. If I have a reason to suspect you're being unfaithful, well, there are probably also reasons to suspect this relationship has some serious problems.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:30 AM on June 15 [1 favorite]

My boyfriend and I met on OkCupid over five years ago. Both of our profiles are still up. I still send him little flirty messages and "woos" (or is it winks now?) and propose edits to his profile. I would never want to delete my account, simply because it archives all of our old messages and it's the only way I remember the exact date we "met" each other.

Perhaps you could utilize the website to communicate with her in a similar manner, so that you feel a little more included? It feels like you deleted your profile in a rash of exuberance, hoping that she would follow suit. The thing about relationships is that they are never perfectly equal. There may be something that is nagging her about you in the same way, and these things do not go away until you make a concerted effort (by either bringing it up or realizing it is not important). As far as that nagging jealous feeling, see krautland and grapefruitmoon's responses.
posted by puellaeterna at 10:51 AM on June 15

Afroblanco, you're wrong about OKCupid, it really does have more of a myspace-ish social networking aspect than most dating sites, whatever the name might connote. But more importantly, if they're only been dating 6-7 months or less, it would be unreasonable to expect her to fully both-feet commit by deleting all vestiges of her single self-asap ZOMG.

It sounds like OP is freaking out. Dude, stop freaking out. If you have real reasons to wonder if she's sleeping around, let's hear them. This is pretty standard early-dating stages behavior.

If you can just get over it without saying anything, do that. Bringing it up will just make you look like kind of a chump, possibly fueling a cycle of self-defeating jealousy and weakness of sitcom-like proportions.

Now, on the other hand, if you've been dating for more than a year, you REALLY REALLY should know her well enough to know she's not going to use OKC to meet randoms. All the more reason to get over it.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 11:25 AM on June 15

I don't think it's healthy to deny your irrational feelings. Trying to "not think about it" may have limited efficacy. It's not very hard for someone to delete their profile and then re-instate it when she's single again. That's my rule, if it costs me very little to give my partner peace-of-mind, if I care about her, then I'll do it.

That you asked and she wouldn't oblige seems like her drawing her line in the sand, which is always troubling. If I had a girl who asked me to delete it, I'd either delete it or have a talk with her to make sure this doesn't become a barrier between us. Instead, it sounds like she just ignored your request, doesn't care, and now you're left wringing your hands alone wondering what she's thinking, what you're thinking, where this is all going, etc.

Keeping your dating site profile open says to me "I'm still looking to trade up" and she seems to be uninterested in how that looks or how it makes you feel. Imagine one of your friends stumbling upon her profile, and then msging you, "hey dude, your girlfriend's still on OKC?? lol." I know of people that just surf OKC, looking for bj's. The place is a meat market.

I know couples who find it awkward to even have their facebook profiles still. She can see that his ex-girlfriends are still SuperPoking him, and he doesn't know how he feels about seeing public pics of her in suggestive drunken party poses. So they both have very limited, almost non-existent, facebook profiles. Then again, they've been together for five years, and are practically married.

I guess it all depends on your relationship style. I don't believe that either party should have to "man up" or "chill out" in order to make the relationship work. They should come to it with ease and without too much excessive self-regulation.
posted by philosophistry at 12:17 PM on June 15 [1 favorite]

I'm pretty sure that if you delete your page in OkCupid you delete it forever and thus lose all the time that you spent answering the questions that give it the ability to match you with other people. That's a lot of effort to put in again if y'all break up. I kept mine up through a two year relationship, just the way your girlfriend has hers, stating that I wasn't available. I basically forgot that it was there. So yes, you're overreacting.
posted by MsMolly at 12:41 PM on June 15

I suspect despite her status she gets a slew of feeler e-mails from men with less than platonic interests.

So? Men will try to pick her up in the real world as well, it doesn't mean she'll let them. If she's not pretending to be single, then she's doing nothing wrong.

Datapoint, I just logged out and looked at my profile. Apparently I also come up as 'Replies Often', even though this is patently untrue. (And after all the time I invested in answering all those goofy ethics questions, you would have to hold a gun to my head for me to delete my profile.)
posted by the latin mouse at 2:01 PM on June 15

OKC is a fun social networking site. It doesn't have to be about dating. Since she has her relationship status set to "Seeing Someone," I'd say you are being a crazy jealous boyfriend.

I disagree with Arfoblanco too.
posted by Lobster Garden at 5:08 PM on June 15

You know, I really wish people would use some other language besides "crazy jealous boyfriend." Surely this is a spectrum, and not all black-and-white?

Anyway, I'm still waiting for everyone to come forward with their storied histories of heterosexuals searching OKC in earnest for same-sex friends. I know that of the approx. 5000+ people who have stalked me in the past year or so, maybe 7 of them were male. Of those 7, 3 were gay, and one was (and I'm not joking) formely male, although she didn't tell me about that until we'd been corresponding for a couple of weeks. Hah!
posted by Afroblanco at 6:26 PM on June 15

So? Men will try to pick her up in the real world as well, it doesn't mean she'll let them. If she's not pretending to be single, then she's doing nothing wrong.

My point is that it has nothing to do with whether she lets them or not. The decision to maintain an account on a dating website or spend lots of time at a pickup bar despite being in a "serious" relationship might be fine for some partners. But for many others, it might reasonably be viewed as anything from harmful to the relationship to insulting. If nothing else it will feed the insecurities of a large number (sure, not all) of partners, and I'd say if one is serious about a relationship they ought to at least way this concern against whatever benefits they feel are being provided. Insecurities are probably irrational more often than not, but I'm not sure that justifies fanning the flames with this sort of thing if you love someone.

Also, this real world argument leaves me short of convinced. The real world is unavoidable of course, but the average day for most people isn't jam packed with romantic propositions, and seeking out scenarios where such propositions are at there highest yield would certainly bug me if you were my SO. If that makes me a crazy jealous boyfriend, so be it... My craziness certainly would not be quelled by any relationship status setting.
posted by drpynchon at 6:52 PM on June 15 [1 favorite]