She won't accept I've left her, I can't stop feeling terrible.

June 10, 2009 5:03 AM

Why won't my ex move on? And am I ever going to stop feeling tied to her?

Broke up with my girlfriend of 11 years about three weeks ago. Insurmountable problems which had existed for pretty much the entire relationship, but the honest truth is that I was too scared to leave. She was a best friend to me, but ultimately the arguments and sniping at each other proved too much to bear.

I knew this would be hard on both of us, and it is still early days, but now I have two problems:

1. She is NOT accepting it. She hasn't told any of her friends or family, and on the rare occassions when we do speak, she is highly emotional. Although I broke up with her, it feels impossible to NOT care about her and be upset about what she's going through, which is ultimately my fault. Additionally, when we speak there is a subtext to all of her comments, which is that essentially she feels that I am just going through a temporary madness and eventually I will realise my mistake. How can she/I cope with this, how can I help her/me?

2. Before I actually broke it off, I would lie awake all night thinking about why it was the right thing to do, and most of my days were consumed with thinking about how much I had to get away from her. Now it seems that literally the moment I walked away, all of these feelings disappeared. It's like a part of my memory has been washed away - I know I did feel that way at one point, but now it seems like a distant memory. Why is this?

Currently I just seem to vacillate between just being numb, to feeling terribly sad and scared, hyperventilating and generally feeling confused, which is really affecting my work.

Bonus complication: shortly after breaking up I became involved, rather intensely, with a girl from work. Massive mistake I know, but right now I really like her and I am additionally upset that I don't give her the relationship she deserves. God I am an idiot.

I cannot get back together with her (ex gf). We did break up for about a week five years ago, and eventually I caved and grudgingly got back with her (my fault, I know), and then spent the next six years resenting myself and her whenever we next started arguing. Sorry this is so long.

posted by plechazunga to human relations (26 comments total)

Standard advice for people having difficulty breaking up, especially for the person who initiated the breakup: avoid all contact until you're no longer having emotional difficulty accepting what you did.
posted by flabdablet at 5:19 AM on June 10 [17 favorites]

She's going to need a lot more time to move on. Three weeks for an eleven year relationship isn't really that long at all.

Have you thought of limiting your contact with her until she turns to her friends and family for comfort? I know that's a lot easier said than done, but as time goes on it'll make things easier for you and her. While it's true that she's hurting over the break up, it's also her decision not to turn to friends/family for comfort. You're blaming yourself unnecessarily.

That being said, she's probably waiting for the right time to tell them or making sure that it's really over before she does. If you're still around comforting her, it'll send mix signals and confuse her.

It's normal to be confused about your decision at first. Whenever you feel that way you should re-read over what you wrote - you felt resentment toward her for six years. That's enough time to know that if even if you'd stayed, it wouldn't have worked out.

As for the other girl, it's not wise to get into an actual relationship with the way you're feeling right now. You won't be able to give it what it needs just yet. However, that's nothing to feel guilty about.
posted by biochemist at 5:25 AM on June 10 [6 favorites]

Got any vacation days? Take a week, go somewhere (even just a few hours away), think, reflect, read some books. Don't take your phone. Don't take your computer. Don't check your email. Eleven years is a very long time - it will take some time for you (and her) to get any sense of feeling "normal" on your own. Also, therapy probably wouldn't hurt if you are open to the idea.
posted by mikepop at 5:27 AM on June 10 [4 favorites]

Yeah, I think expecting someone to get over an 11 year relationship in 3 weeks is expecting a lot. If you want her to get over you more quickly, then you can cut off contact with her, but I think after 11 years that would be kind of cruel. You should encourage her to meet some other guys to take her mind off of you.
posted by delmoi at 5:35 AM on June 10

1. It's been three weeks. While the half-time rule might be a little extreme here (I really hope for he sake it doesn't take her 5.5 years to get over you), but the first couple of months after a long relationship, especially one where it seems like you've found someone you'll be with FOREVER are a shock. It probably hasn't sunk in yet. Do not talk to her, unless it really is an emergency (make sure she doesn't pull the crazy card and fake some emergency though!), and just firmly say a few times "it is best if we don't speak now, so both of us can start moving on" and if she STILL tries to contact you just don't talk to her. It'll hurt like hell for both of you now, but it'll be better in the end, instead of you still giving her hope to cling on to by talking to her. But yea, it's been only 3 weeks. It'll take her a LONG time to cope with this, even a long time for her to fully realize that you two are apart for good. And every day will be a struggle to get up and pretend to be normal, she'll probably feel like a zombie that will be thinking "OK, now I have to go brush my teeth. OK, now I have to go to my car and drive to work. OK, now I have to go food shopping otherwise I am sitting here broken and alone AND without food." Sounds horrible, but it'll stop eventually, don't worry!

2. You're not consumed by these feelings anymore. This shows that this was the right decision!! If you were still overthinking it then you'd be here asking "I broke up with a partner of 11 years, was it the right choice?" It's totally understandable to think about how much it sucks that she's hurting and to worry about that, but if YOUR feelings aren't bothering you, you know it was the right choice for you.

Your complication: Well, if you already got involved with someone else so quickly, you're definitely done with your ex. If you weren't you would have thought twice about it. It might have been a little too fast, but once again, shows that you did what you wanted and needed, so don't get suckered back into a relaitonship with your ex!
posted by KateHasQuestions at 5:39 AM on June 10 [3 favorites]

You've had six years to get used to the idea of breaking up. She's had three weeks. All advice above is good - you can't be the one to help her, she's going to have to establish a new primary care network, not easy after 11 years in a couple. This takes time, time, time. Not so for you of course because you've been seperating in your head to the point where you've managed to establish a new 'primary' person right off the bat.

I don't mean to sound cold, but really, you cannot make this better for your ex. All you can do is be vigilant about not making it worse. Be kind, leave her be and try to engage with her getting over you. You have no control over this.
posted by freya_lamb at 5:53 AM on June 10 [2 favorites]

That should of course read: DON'T try to engage with her getting over you.
posted by freya_lamb at 5:55 AM on June 10 [2 favorites]

2. Before I actually broke it off, I would lie awake all night thinking about why it was the right thing to do, and most of my days were consumed with thinking about how much I had to get away from her. Now it seems that literally the moment I walked away, all of these feelings disappeared. It's like a part of my memory has been washed away - I know I did feel that way at one point, but now it seems like a distant memory. Why is this?

If you were really hungry, starving, and you ate the perfect meal, would you feel hungry afterwards?
posted by milarepa at 6:02 AM on June 10 [5 favorites]

You need to go see a therapist.

From my experience, your girlfriend issues with differentiating herself as an individual. That is, she wants you to take care of her. But guess what? You were with her. That suggests you have equal and opposite issues. Now as soon as someone says something like "need to be needed" or offers another trite "psychological" insight, you'll stick your fingers in your ears. But I think you should stop to consider what your having suffered through this relationship for six years says about your self-esteem and what you think makes you valuable. Martyrs tend to stay martyrs until someone finally crucifies them. If I were you, I'd learn not to be so deferential before I even considered getting in another relationship.
posted by jefficator at 6:14 AM on June 10 [2 favorites]

You should encourage her to meet some other guys to take her mind off of you.

PLEASE don't do this. This is just incredibly cruel, and absolutely one of the last, and least helpful things she would ever want to hear from you.
posted by dithmer at 6:15 AM on June 10 [19 favorites]

I agree--you need to cut contact. You can protest your seriousness about this all you want, but nothing says serious like nonresponsiveness.

Also, it's a cruel truth of relationships that it seems like the only person who can comfort you when you're hurting from a breakup is the person who is breaking up with you. Don't offer to be a comfort to your ex and don't fall for it if she begs you for comfort. She is stronger than she knows, and she'll get over this eventually.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 6:25 AM on June 10 [4 favorites]

it's not fair to either of you that you're attempting to help her through the breakup. you need to cut off contact.
posted by miss tea at 6:26 AM on June 10 [3 favorites]

It's been three weeks, and you can't just turn your emotions off like a tap, no matter how much you thought you were 'ready' for this. It takes time.

I truly don't think anything is at all wrong, here, I just think that 3 weeks is way, way too soon to be wanting all this emotion and complication to be dealt with and filed away. I suspect that this is your first significant break up (certainly AS significant) and you only have lesser relationships in intensity as a comparison.

It'll take longer for you to feel 'normal' about this. It's ok for it to take longer - both for her and for you. Leave her alone to cope with it her way, and you need to not keep seeing the inevitable (and again, perfectly normal) hurt she is feeling as it just will affect you.

You broke up. It's ok to feel out of sorts. Just get some space and stop worrying about it. Three weeks in that context is nothing, really. Come back in three months if its still an issue.

As for the rebound fling - yeah, you were almost guaranteed to screw that up getting involved so soon. That, also, is perfectly normal. Just give yourself time and stop worrying, but also stop putting yourself into situations that you can't cope with yet. Give everything time to settle in your brain.
posted by Brockles at 6:35 AM on June 10 [1 favorite]

Dude, 11 years is a long time. That is longer than most marriages. This will take a long, long time for both of you to get over, and will be with you both forever and impact your perception and decisions for the rest of your lives. As far as coping and growing from it, can I suggest two things?

1. Instead of breaking off contact entirely, as your ex-gf sounds traumatized, can you significantly limit contact? Its cruel to both cut off contact and to be there for her whenever she is losing it - she needs to start moving on, at some point (though not in 3 weeks that's crazy). So establish some kind of "schedule", where you two can check in - say in two weeks. And during that call, set up another check in call / coffee. It'll give her (and you) space to start accepting this big change, and not torture her with "I'll never speak to my partner of 11 years again".

2. Dating someone from work? You are going down a dangerous path dating someone right now. Dangerous. Even if you really "like" this person, respect her agency, break up with her, and sometime down the road maybe you'll be in a place where you can function in a relationship. But take your time and be patient. Dangerous.
posted by RajahKing at 6:40 AM on June 10 [2 favorites]

I've seen the half-time rule mentionned above. I use the one-third rule (comfort level reached in a third of eleven years).

Anyway, divorcing takes months. Your break-up is only a few weeks old. Give it some time to grow.
posted by Baud at 6:45 AM on June 10

Just putting another point out there (Devil's advocate):

Why should you care about her feelings? You spent the last 6 years un-happy with this person faking it just so you would not hurt her feelings. Rip the band-aid off and put your own needs in front of hers. You for the last 6 years have put her needs/emotions/happiness in front of yours. Every time you feel you owe her something sit there and think of an argument that she started. It seems to me that your relationship was you give and she takes. (Grant I am sure there were some good times but face it they didn't out weigh the bad.)

As for the relationship with the girl from work, listen to yourself here:

Massive mistake I know, but right now I really like her and I am additionally upset that I don't give her the relationship she deserves. You are still in the "I give everything and get nothing in return mode". Thinking like this will land you back with your Ex or someone like her.

Your mindset should be:

Massive mistake I know (I already met someone new), right now I really like her and I am additionally upset (Right now I am really excited) that I don't give her the relationship she deserves (That I can date again and just have fun. See where it takes us).

Do not worry about giving this new girl the relationship she deserves. She knows you were in a relationship for 11 years. She should also know that there is a chance she could be rebound girl. You should take her out to do things that you think are fun. Take her to a movie you want to see, play darts, walk in the park, or fuck her brains out. Your happiness should come first. You played Mr Giving for 11 years. Enjoy you being happy and putting yourself emotional needs first for a change. If this is uncomfortable for you to do all at once, then take it slow or find someone who is just as giving as you are.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 7:20 AM on June 10 [1 favorite]

It took you at least six years to come to terms with the break up. So far she's had three weeks... She will definitely need a lot more, even once she comes to terms with the realization that it really is over.

That said, if you're not living together or otherwise forced to interact, you should just cut off contact rather than drawing it out. Even if you are eventually going to be good friends, cutting off contact right now will likely bring you to that point more quickly and without a lot of needless pain and conflict.
posted by glider at 8:17 AM on June 10 [1 favorite]

First of all, you did nothing wrong.

I have been the dump-er and the dump-ee in similar (tho not quite as longterm) situations. Either end sucks, and in hindsight it was harder for me to be the instigator of the breakup than the recipient. Honestly, the fact that you stopped overthinking immediately after the deed was done is a clear indicator that you were ready to move on.

Your x is going to hurt. It hurts to do that to someone. You can't make it any easier on her, so yes, listen to the others who say: cut contact and move on.

Also: please don't project old crap onto new relationships, I tell you myself from hard experience that this is a gourmet recipe for FAIL and misery. Don't assume going in that you "need to give [New Girl] the relationship she deserves". I mean seriously, wtf? That kinda sounds a little condescending to me, if I may say so. It is up to BOTH partners to get the relationship THEY deserve out of the affair. No more, no less.

The poster up above who recommended taking a week or so off and cutting all contact is on the right track. Definitely cut contact with the x, and I think you should give yourself time. As far as therapy... eh. Maybe. Depends on you, really. Honestly, CBT works well for some people, and is horrendously expensive and a waste of time for others, and there's a whole continuum in between. I got some stuff out of it but I really think that therapy is merely paying someone a ton of cash to give you a road map for your experiences. I tend to be a bit of an explorer and as such am inclined to toss the map in the glovebox and take the roads less travelled :)

This is now the time for you to go off and enjoy doing all that stuff YOU want to do, that she would never have gone for. Stuff like, oh I don't know, primitive camping, getting a motorcycle, hanging out with that old friend she used to snark about... you see what I'm getting at? This is YOU time - that is the greatest thing about being single. If you concentrate on doing all the stuff YOU like to do, believe me, you probably won't have time to get lonely.

As far as New Girl goes, just keep it light and friendly for a bit. Right now you're just projecting all the stuff she doesn't do that your x drove you nuts about. Given time, I'm sure she also has some not-so-great habits, too.

But like I said, give yourself a complete reboot. Go out of town / on vacation if you can, and if not, then logoff of all your email, facebook, chat, turn off the phone, delete your x from all your contacts, etc, etc... and just depressurise.

Good luck.
posted by lonefrontranger at 8:31 AM on June 10 [1 favorite]

Don't worry, everything you describe is totally normal and to be expected.

1. How you can help her cope: by not trying to help her cope. You're the one who broke up with her; you can't also be the one to help her through the breakup. Any attempt to do so is rubbing salt in the wound, and prolonging the inevitable. Why wouldn't she think you're going to get back together, if you were together for 11 years, broke up once before only to get back together, and are still talking to each other? If you stop talking to each other, if you stop trying to help her through, it will free her to accept that this time it's real, then tell her people. Then they will help her through.

This is one of those things that a lot of people end up having to learn the hard way. So I won't be surprised if you dismiss it even though most people here have suggested it. But it's the truth, I swear. Not talking helps. A lot. Time heals breakup pain. But the healing time practically starts from the beginning again each time you talk.

2. It's natural to feel some remorse after making a big decision, even if it's the right one. It's similar to the let-down feeling. Like, you've been looking forward to or planning something for a long time, then it happens, and it's great, but immediately after you feel kind of weird about it. Then, after some time passes, you can see that it was still great. Not that a breakup is "yay, great!" but I think it's a similar effect. Time, as well, will help with this.

You're just feeling crappy because you just had a big breakup. That's how it goes. You've already ruled out getting back together--so that's good. Now it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other, doing what you can to keep it together, until more time passes and it hurts less. Things that help me sometimes is cleaning/organizing--it's a good, low-brain-power way to feel a little more in control of your life, with the added bonus of being actually productive--and treating myself to my favorite things.
posted by lampoil at 8:33 AM on June 10

Just because you ended the relationship doesn't mean you don't need to grieve, either. That's what stuck out for me: "sad, scared, hyperventilating, confused"....those are the jumble of emotions of stumbling through the grief process.

I know, it sounds overly dramatic, but eleven years is a long time to be in a relationship, it's a major change in your life. It sounds like a good change, but change is stressful nonetheless. I also agree with talking to a therapist: it will also help your future relationships, when you do the post-mortem on this one.
posted by Pocahontas at 8:59 AM on June 10 [1 favorite]

RE: Dating in the workplace: Don't shit where you eat.

Do you like this job? Because you risk losing it by having a workplace fling. I know the prospect of losing my job isn't worth the risk. But it's too late for you now. "Welcome to the suck."

Otherwise I agree with most here, completely cut contact with the ex; get therapy.
posted by friarjohn at 9:32 AM on June 10

I have been in this position both as the dumpee and, more recently, the dumper. When I was the dumpee, I was really thrown for a loop that my boyfriend didn't want to be with me anymore. And when he stopped all contact with me without any notice, I was basically lost in the wilderness with no one to go to (not many friends outside of my relationship, family on the other side of the country). I still believe it would have helped me to have some final words from my ex. It was only a few years (and a lot of AskMe relationship questions!) later that I could really say what would have helped me find some small amount of closure, something like:

"Hi ex-gf, I'm sorry things didn't work out between us. I really really really really struggled with this decision because I don't want to hurt you. I didn't make it lightly but I feel sure it's the right thing. It seems like we're both having a hard time with this, so I think the best course of action from my perspective is to go our separate ways and not contact each other, at least for the next few months. I know I said I wanted to stay friends, but that is proving to be increasingly difficult to do right now because of our emotions. So please don't be offended if I don't involve you in my life, I'm just trying to deal with this in the best way I know how. Take care, plechazunga"

Obviously you know her better, and what words will work for both of you, or if keeping quiet and cutting all contact is the way to go. But sometimes I think it helps to say something to help the other person begin the process of moving on.
posted by sarahnade at 10:44 AM on June 10 [6 favorites]

I've been on both sides of this, and here are my observations:

From when I was you: You weren't honest with her throughout the relationship about your feelings. Perhaps if you had been, the two of you could have become the perfect couple. Too late for that now, it seems. Get therapy to discuss why you're so uncomfortable with yourself that you'd sacrifice 5 years of your life for the perceived well-being of someone else.

From when I was her: She needs closure. Have a frank and honest discussion about why you've decided to end it. No need to be cruel ("I haven't been able to stand you for 5 years."), but you should be firm and honest. Then break it off completely for at least a couple of months. Let her know that your dishonesty is a major factor in the breakup, and that you're seeking help for it. Also let her know that there is no hope for the two of you in the future.
posted by coolguymichael at 12:05 PM on June 10 [1 favorite]

Its cruel to both cut off contact and to be there for her whenever she is losing it

I strongly agree with this. Based on some past experiences with some people who were kind but firm, there are indeed some things that can indicate seriousness as well as unresponsiveness, and I have far better memories of relationships that had this kind of contact at the end than the ones that simply ended in silence.

I'm thinking in particular of a woman who I had a couple of conversations where it was clear that she loved me, that she really cared about my feelings, that she even found it distressing that I was suffering... and that she was still choosing someone else because she thought it was the best choice for her. This still sucked, but after the pain faded out, I only had warm feelings left for the time we spent together.

You also can't help by being totally available. It won't help her disentangle herself from your time together, it won't help her accept the new reality. And nothing is going to make a breakup not suck while it's happening. Particularly the end of a relationship that's lasted over a decade (I've never had anything like this, and breakups of relationships that have lasted a few years have been hard, I can barely imagine losing something you had that long). It can make it suck somewhat less, as long as you keep your perspective. Limiting contact is a good idea... and if you do that, and if you're firm when you do have contact, eventually, once your ex accepts the new reality, she'll probably limit contact voluntarily. Be aware this might be a while coming (likely months, possibly years), though, and plan accordingly.
posted by weston at 12:13 PM on June 10 [1 favorite]

Oh boy. It took me way more than three weeks to grok that I really was truly going to be getting divorced, and I was only married for three years. You both need way more time. And absolutely you need to cut off all contact. All of it.

Here's what you need to realize: She is no longer your problem. She hasn't told her friends? Not your problem. She's not over you? Not your problem.

While couples' counseling totally failed for me, one thing really hit me: the counselor looked at me and told me point-blank "You're a single woman now." You are a single man now. You are not beholden to your ex for anything. She is not part of your life. Whether or not she's doing ok emotionally is no longer your concern. Sorry to be so blunt, but the only way for you to move on is to realize that HER life is now HER problem.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:04 PM on June 10

When I have been in your position, much of my guilt and anxiety came not from breaking up, but from not knowing how to dump someone in a compassionate and helpful way. Try these suggestions, so that you at least don't feel bad for mistreating her or for not showing her consideration and respect.

Your job now is to help her progress from denial to acceptance. I suggest that you owe her a continuing conversation on the subject of your relationship and your reasons for ending it. Dumping someone and then cutting them off is unnecessarily hurtful. However, you can and should set boundaries around the conversation. A previous suggestion was to have scheduled conversations. Take control of the terms and goals of the conversation.

You've dropped a bomb on her, and she's going to need time to accept it, and part of that process is asking you questions which will occur to her. And you will probably think of ways to clarify and expand your explanation, which could help her. After a fair amount of conversation you should start reducing contact. Or she may need to be angry at you, so you want to be available to hear her out. After the anger is a good time to reduce contact. After a long time, maybe a year or two, you can very gradually resume contact and probably become friends.
posted by conrad53 at 9:21 PM on June 10