How to make a guy cum when he barely fits in your mouth?

June 9, 2009 1:16 PM

His cock barely fits in my mouth; how can I give better head? (NSFW)

I really didn't want to ask this and I apologize if it's come up before, but I searched the archives and the rest of the internet and have mostly been bogged down by general fellatio guides and porn. So here's the deal: I enjoy giving men oral sex, and I enjoy making them orgasm from oral even more. But I have never made my current partner (of two years) cum from oral. Maybe I'm just awful at it, but I never thought I was bad at blow jobs before this; I was always able to make men cum pretty quickly and they told me I was good at it. I realize everyone is different, but I cannot figure out what to do with my partner that will make him cum.

I think there are two issues: the first is that he is very well endowed. His penis is 7" in girth (circumference) at the thickest and I can't fit it all in my mouth; at best, I can manage about 3/4 of it, and it isn't very comfortable for me. I don't have a lot of room to work when I do get him in my mouth. The length isn't an issue (also 7"), as I've managed longer cocks than his just fine.

The second issue is that he claims he "can't cum from oral." He's never done it before, but I refuse to accept that he can't and I want to make it happen. He says he enjoys getting head, but what happens is he usually likes to try to face-fuck me and ram his cock as far down my throat as he can, which sets off my gag reflex like crazy (I'm surprised I haven't vomited all over him yet). He would really like me to deep-throat him, and although I've been able to with every other guy I was with (guys who were longer than him) I just can't take his cock. It's frustrating.

He masturbates with the hardest grip I've ever seen (but doesn't masturbate much anymore) and I have managed to make him cum with hand jobs (although it is hard work and can take awhile (because I do not use a death grip)). He has no trouble at all coming from intercourse and can come in only a couple minutes depending on the position (doggy works the quickest). I've tried licking, sucking, swirling, using my hand with my mouth, I've read a million "this gets every guy off" guides, I've done everything that so easily got off so many other guys before, but no dice. So with all that I'm not expecting much, but for those of you who are well-endowed or who have had experience with someone who gave you functional difficulties with technique, what did you do and how did you overcome it?

posted by anonymous to human relations (30 comments total)

Some people are different. They don't always respond the same way. There's nothing wrong with him or you.

Imagine, if you will, if a man wrote "My GF won't come from my oral, am I doing it wrong?" People would blow up. There's a common misconception that men are automatic, just get it going and they will get off. That's not the case. They are as unique as women when it comes to sexuality.

Focus on the head and the part on the bottom right below it. Don't worry about deep throating if you can't do it.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:24 PM on June 9, 2009

The second issue is that he claims he "can't cum from oral." He's never done it before, but I refuse to accept that he can't and I want to make it happen.

I suppose I can only speak for myself, and I'm a girl, but when someone isn't into something and their partner insists on trying it anyway, even if it's something as "basic" as oral, that puts a lot of pressure on the person to orgasm and it's entirely counterproductive. It's hard to be aroused by something that you're not into, and having to endure it anyway, even when it's not unpleasant, gets kind of boring. I'd rather just come how I want to.

It's good you want to please your boyfriend and maybe you'll find something that works, but if you really want to please him you're better off listening to him when he says he can't come from oral. It's also worth considering that it might make him feel weird if you persist in trying, like there must be something wrong with him if he can't come from oral like a "normal" guy. Imagine an AskMeFi that said, "Hey, my girlfriend can't come from penetrative sex. I won't accept this and I want to make it happen." They could try a few things but chances are it's just not going to happen and they should focus on the ways in which she does come.

Generally speaking, I don't think any internet sex advice is going to be better than simply listening to what a partner tells you. If you try to reduce sex down to a series of techniques I'd be surprised if either of you are completely pleased with the result.
posted by Nattie at 1:29 PM on June 9, 2009 [10 favorites]

The second issue is that he claims he "can't cum from oral." He's never done it before, but I refuse to accept that he can't and I want to make it happen.

That's pretty disrespectful. He probably knows his sexual responses pretty well, and "refusing to accept" that he knows what he's talking about is a jerky way to behave.

"I'd love to keep trying" is one thing, but "I refuse to accept that you can't do this" is inappropriate and controlling.

My general blow-job advice is to get your hand really wet, either with spit or lube or both, and use it like an extension of your mouth, moving both in synch like they were one unit. Of course this doesn't work for everyone, but it's a good way to simulate the feel of deep-throating without triggering your gag reflex.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:30 PM on June 9, 2009 [4 favorites]

Some dudes really just don't come from oral. Give him head because you both enjoy it, not because you're trying to tackle some challenge. Otherwise, it's going to be frustrating for both of you.
posted by Juliet Banana at 1:36 PM on June 9, 2009 [4 favorites]

If you're dead-set on deep-throating this guy, and he's dead-set on being deep-throated, then the first step is for him to be a gentleman and cut it out with the facefucking.

And — just a thought — if you quit pressuring him to come, he might be happier to lie back and relax. The facefucking might be because he's inconsiderate, or because he just doesn't know you find it uncomfortable, in which case a nice heart-to-heart conversation is in order. But it might also be because he's trying to COME GODDAMMIT and going at it with all his might in order to prove a point.
posted by nebulawindphone at 1:38 PM on June 9, 2009

I have to agree with Nattie... if he likes the feeling of oral sex, great. But if he says he can't cum from it, and all evidence supports this, then I wouldn't push it any further. By all means suck his cock - just don't expect it to lead to orgasm. View it as a stop along the journey, rather than the final destination. By the same token, if you don't like how it feels when he face-fucks you, then you have every right to tell him so and ask him to stop.

Also, while deep-throating is cool and all, the fact is that the head of the penis is by far the most sensitive part. Working your magic on the end is far more important than trying to fit the whole of his shaft in your mouth/throat.
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 1:39 PM on June 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

If you want the experience, either have intercourse, or have him jerk off until he's past the point of no return, then latch on. You might be able to figure out exactly what gets him over, if he's halfway there, once you get him in your mouth.

Other than that, his not coming by oral is a feature, not a deficiency. I usually can't. It's fine.
posted by Danf at 1:41 PM on June 9, 2009

The second issue is that he claims he "can't cum from oral." He's never done it before, but I refuse to accept that he can't and I want to make it happen.

There's nothing worse than a partner who refuses to believe what you say and instead decide to make a subject all about them.

Really, you know what he likes, a hard grip (why aren't you doing that?) and lack of a gag reflex. Work on those things instead of making him into some sort of contest. He probably knows his penis better than you do. You'll just have to suck it up and deal with that fact.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:44 PM on June 9, 2009 [3 favorites]

(Another thought: I understand the desire to be The Best, to be something special in his sexual history. But speaking as a guy who's not totally standard-issue in bed, a girl who accepts and embraces your quirks is pretty goddamn special — better than a blowjob, even. Focus on that if you want to be The Best at something.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 1:46 PM on June 9, 2009 [4 favorites]

Well, do you tell him that he's the only one of the (many) guys you've been able to get off this way? If he's already feeling pressured by your alleged virtuosity, like Nattie suggests, knowing that he doesn't measure up to these other guys could be compounding the problem.
posted by cabingirl at 1:52 PM on June 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

follow-up from the OP

I am sorry I didn't mention it in the original post and I realize it was slightly jerkishly worded now, but this isn't a case of me trying to make him cum in a way he does not want to. He wants to cum from oral. He has requested it. He says that he can't cum from oral in response to his never having done it before, but he has said that this is something he wants. If he were not interested in this, there is no way I would be trying to make it happen. We have very good communication and a very good relationship. Again, I am simply requesting any pointers that anyone may have stumbled across in overcoming the size barrier or overcoming the "can't cum" attitude--he'd never cum from a handjob from someone else before (although he wanted to) and we worked through that. The other information was given as background in case it would be helpful.

posted by jessamyn at 1:54 PM on June 9, 2009

I can't cum when a girl gives me oral. Simple as that, her rhythm and my dirty thoughts just don't line up. It's been this way since I received my very first blow job. I don't put much thought into it anymore nor does my wife waste her time trying.

Move on and try other things.
posted by Gravitus at 2:01 PM on June 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

I found the link in my previous comment by Googling "Getting rid of gag reflex". There were many other links.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:13 PM on June 9, 2009

He wants to cum from oral.... Again, I am simply requesting any pointers that anyone may have stumbled across in overcoming the size barrier

Ah. Well, thanks for the clarification. I think there are two approaches to dealing with this: either you work on your gag reflex (the link in Brandon Blatcher's post is pretty much the gospel on that), or you learn to use your hand as an extension of your mouth, as I discuss in my post.

or overcoming the "can't cum" attitude-

The secret to overcoming anxiety about whether or not someone is going to come from any given sexual activity is to just do it for a while without stressing about whether or not the person is going to come. In general, doing that in a no-pressure way ("We'll just do this for a while, then move on to {$something easier for person to come from}") on numerous occasions lets the person learn to enjoy the sensations without worrying about getting there.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:16 PM on June 9, 2009

I should also say that you don't need to work on your gag reflex if you don't want to. You get to do what's fun for you in bed, and to choose not to do things that aren't fun for you.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:17 PM on June 9, 2009

Have you ever wondered whether it might be worth finding out whether he enjoys it despite not being able to orgasm? Men don't HAVE to get off for something to be enjoyable to us...
posted by fearnothing at 3:53 PM on June 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

have him lay on the bed, you lay on your stomach with your feet towards his head and your head towards his feet (might be easier if you're kneeling, but my knees are shot so i sprawl), with your head at his crotch (naturally). most guys have a cock that angles up a little. when you give someone head from in front of them their up angle is trying to go into the down angle of your throat. this triggers the gag reflex quicker. i find if i approach the cock from above instead of below, it is much easier for quicker or deeper blow jobs.

if you want to get over your gag reflex, you have to work on it at a time that you aren't actively trying to make him cum. either, get him hard in your mouth so your mouth can gradually get use to the size or get him hard as a rock and then slowly, painfully slowly, lower your mouth as far down as you can without gagging, then edge a little more down and a little more down. pull back up as soon as it becomes uncomfortable and then try again. if he can stay hard long enough - do this for about half an hour. repeat it every few days. eventually your throat should become accustomed to the sensation.

also, use the death grip when you're sucking him off. some guys just need harder pressure. think of it like this - a harder grip traps more blood in the cock, keeping him harder.

also, also, a mistake i learned a lot of girls make (myself included until i was clued in) is to use the hand and mouth in unison. what you actually want is opposing motions, have your hand move up while your head moves down. keep them off rhythm from each other. sometimes, just death grip the base.

feel free to memail me if any of these suggestions don't make sense.

good luck!
posted by nadawi at 4:36 PM on June 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'm not quite as thick as your partner, but am longer. For many years I thought I just couldn't come from oral until I met a girl who loved doing it and showed me what I had been missing. If you've been at it for 2 years, I'm sure you've tried lots of tricks. A tip from a guy: if he's facefucking you, you're either not getting deep enough or being rough enough for him or both.

Side note to all the women out there who are frustrated giving head: you transfer that emotion to your partner. If it's not working for you, and he knows you're upset by it and determined to make it happen, all of that stress will make it impossible for him to be relaxed or turned on enough to finish. Let it go for that session and move on to something you both definitely enjoy and try again another time. Don't be afraid to ask questions about how to go about it differently, but don't be afraid of or offended by honest answers either.

As for the OP specifically: If he uses a really tight grip on himself, I'd say you need to work on yours. Girls are always afraid to grip too hard, but that's not really possible, in my experience. If you've been able to deep-throat longer guys, you had to work at that, right? The same motivation applies. Also, if you haven't tried it, prostate massage might be your ace the hole, pun intended. It can take male orgasm to another level, just don't be stingy with the lube. Don't forget tongue work on the balls and the outer surface of the prostate just below them adds to the experience.

Good luck, and let me just say thank you for being a girl who doesn't turn her nose up at slobbing the knob.
posted by ashabanapal at 5:07 PM on June 9, 2009

follow-up from someone who would prefer to remain anonymous

I was too embarassed to post this from a real account. However, I have some advice that I feel is so far missing from the thread. Another solution to your problem is to rethink your definition of 'blowjob'. Right now, you're all hung up on deepthroating, fitting him in your mouth, etc. Forget about that. Instead, think of a blowjob as a really sloppy wet handjob that involves your mouth, mainly on the head and glans area. Use two hands, use the death grip, use your tongue, lips, and mouth, create a wet tunnel that isn't your poor, too-small throat. Try doing this once with the idea that only his tip is ever going to be in your mouth, take a whole different approach. You also know he gets off from handjobs, so this kind of lowers the stakes. The side bonus of this is that you'll be way less likely to get that lockjaw/neck strain some people get from going down on the more generously endowed, because you'll be keeping your mouth less jammed open, and for less of the time. Personally, I think this is the best kind of blowjob anyway. Just as I was about to click send, I remembered this old Dan Savage column on the topic with similar advice. Anyway, you sound like an awesome partner so show your guy this thread and tell him to thank his lucky stars every day.

posted by jessamyn at 5:43 PM on June 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

Instead, think of a blowjob as a really sloppy wet handjob that involves your mouth, mainly on the head and glans area. Use two hands, use the death grip, use your tongue, lips, and mouth, create a wet tunnel that isn't your poor, too-small throat.

I don't know why anyone would be embarrassed to suggest this; it couldn't be more correct. As someone who's been, ahem, attended to so often since his teens that he was completely bored with it for years and rarely comes from it any more, the best technique I've ever experienced centers around what is described here.
posted by davejay at 11:05 PM on June 9, 2009

As others have said, you're probably too focused on accommodating size here, especially when your partner has already said it's "not you" doing something wrong, anyway.

I've been with some smaller-mouthed women*, and in my experience they're more than capable of making up with enthusiasm what they can't handle in straightahead** fashion.

To reverse an old saw: it's not the size of your mouth, it's how you use it that matters.

(*note: not a pedo.)
(**oh look I made a pun.)
posted by rokusan at 4:18 AM on June 10, 2009

ashabanapal- you are dead on. If it's work, an orgasm probably isn't forthcoming. Happy special time is all about losing yourself and being "in the moment" with your partner. As with so many other things, the harder you try, the more likely you'll fail.

Just for generalities' sake, remember that while women tend to find it easier to orgasm as they get older, men tend to find it harder. (that pun dedicated to rokusan) The solution is to try to get into his head (figuratively!!!) and figure out what sets him off. Hopefully, you can find a way to connect that with oral. If not, give up trying for a while. Too much pressure can give a guy a complex.

(This reminds me of a recent relationship that had similar issues. Sadness. Nothing is less satisfying than being unable to satisfy a partner whose satisfaction hinges on your satisfaction. Really? If I can't do that in your mouth on-demand the weekend is ruined?)
posted by gjc at 5:16 AM on June 10, 2009

Ditto with Gravitus. Can't, don't want to, don't feel like I'm missing anything, don't care. If he cares, but he can't, watcha gonna do? Can't have everything you want in life.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 5:29 AM on June 10, 2009

Again, I am simply requesting any pointers that anyone may have stumbled across in overcoming the size barrier or overcoming the "can't cum" attitude--he'd never cum from a handjob from someone else before (although he wanted to) and we worked through that.

As someone who almost never comes from oral sex, I'm not so sure it's just a "can't cum attitude". For me, at least, a lot of it is that oral sex is the one sexual act in which I'm not controlling things, not setting the rhythm, and so on, and so everything about it is different. And I'm a lot more into doing than I am having things done to me, so the passivity of (most) oral sex doesn't really trip my trigger. (It feels great -- don't get me wrong -- but it feels great sort of like a massage feels great. Really wonderful, but not something that is going to lead to an orgasm.)

So if your guy is at all like that, the answer might come in finding positions where he can move and control the pacing and rhythm (basically, the opposite of him laying there and you bobbing and moving), or it might come in him getting really close to coming from something else (fucking, your hand, his hand, whatever) and then switching to your mouth for the finale -- keep doing that, and incrementally switching sooner and sooner, and he can probably reprogram himself for oral, if both of you care so much that you are willing to go through all that work.

At the end of the day, though, people are just different, and what worked for your previous boyfriends may not work with this guy. Doesn't mean you are crap in bed, doesn't mean he's broken -- it just means that people's sexuality is not a one-size-fits-all thing, and a big part of any new relationship is learning and adapting to each other.
posted by Forktine at 5:43 AM on June 10, 2009

Maybe try a finger in the butt?
posted by orme at 5:51 AM on June 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Coupla ideas, FWIW.

I've known ladies who were, um, professionally interested in finishing the HJ/BJ "on time". Almost invariably, they cup the balls gently in one hand, pulling them slightly down away from the cock (which they generally are also stroking with their other hand, even for BJs). This means the girl is either resting on one elbow (since her ball-holding hand isn't moving), or kneeling in front, or standing over as he lays on a table. Can't quite describe why this works, but it develops a strangely erotic tension that seems to pipeline "Must Come Now!"

I also saw a short BJ vid, in which the lady lay down on her back near the edge of a bench. The guy leaned his cock across her mought, left-to-right, and she sucked the phrenum into her mouth and began licking furiously. He came in under two minutes, with no other stimulation at all. Always wanted to try that. He might have been well-fluffed & ready, but the start of the vid didn't seem like that. Seemed more like she was showing off her "trick".

Finally, knowing that "as long as I stay within these boundaries, I can have fun & not hurt her" is a big relief to me. Like most any man, facefucking is exciting to me, but very very scary, too. If I know how much is too much, and how much is OK, unscary edgy sex = whoohoo exciting!!!
posted by IAmBroom at 11:03 AM on June 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

"her mought" is porn-speak for "her mouth", obviously.
posted by IAmBroom at 11:04 AM on June 10, 2009

Some guys just don't like it, well-endowed or not.

Girls always worry about whether or not they can take the whole thing in their mouths, and I always tell them: "A good BJ is two-thirds hand." (BTW- You are using both hands, right?) Deep-throating is, to me, a concern of high school girls; I've never heard a guy give a damn either way.

The best advice has already been given: Talk to him, find out what he wants/likes.
posted by coolguymichael at 12:36 PM on June 10, 2009

2nding IAmBroom on the ball thing. You can also just pull down on the sack to draw the skin tight as well.
posted by orme at 3:55 AM on June 11, 2009

have him lay on the bed, you lay on your stomach with your feet towards his head and your head towards his feet (might be easier if you're kneeling, but my knees are shot so i sprawl), with your head at his crotch (naturally). most guys have a cock that angles up a little. when you give someone head from in front of them their up angle is trying to go into the down angle of your throat. this triggers the gag reflex quicker. i find if i approach the cock from above instead of below, it is much easier for quicker or deeper blow jobs.

I'd actually recommend against this, as it's going to murder your jaw, neck, and back if he takes a long time to orgasm. Instead, have him sit on the very edge of a bed or chair and kneel or sit between his legs. You'll be much more comfortable, and his cock won't be angled out quite as much. This also makes it easier to utilize your hands.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:03 PM on June 11, 2009