Three's Company?

June 8, 2009 9:05 PM

A single friend approached my husband and I about possibly moving in with him. Has anyone out there lived in this situation and do you have any advice for me?

So, our friend is buying a house. He needs roommates to help him cover the mortgage. He is by far the neatest and most mature of our friends. We know if we move in with him it will be very clear who is responsible for which chores, how clean the house will be kept, etc.

We're currently living in an apartment building with noisy college kids. They pull the fire alarm, leave trash in stairwells, etc. It's really exciting to think about living in a neighborhood without those hassles. In addition, we'd be able to save quite a bit of money by splitting the mortgage with our friend instead of paying the rent to stay in our apartment. That said, I think that living as a married couple with a roommate will necessitate some changes. My question for those of you who have lived in this situation, how has living in this kind of situation affected your marriage? Would you recommend living in this kind of situation? Is there something I absolutely need to know before getting into this?

posted by shesbookish to human relations (28 comments total)

So, our friend is buying a house. He needs roommates to help him cover the mortgage.

Problem #1, for so many reasons. If you can't afford a house without roommates, you can't afford the house. Don't get guilted into taking on this burden.

I haven't lived as a married couple with a roommate, but I have lived with a roommate when I was dating my (now) wife. I just wouldn't do it. I couldn't give up the privacy. Get it on anywhere except the bedroom? Nope. Making a nice dinner alone with no interruptions? Forget about it. No snuggling on the couch watching what you want when you want. Get home and want a clean kitchen? Oh I'll clean that up later I promise. Forget it. Don't do it. Nothing you ever do will be predictable or private. You got married to spend time with one other person, not two other people.
posted by jimmythefish at 9:16 PM on June 8 [1 favorite has favorites]

I don't know about the particulars of your situation, but just chiming in as a data point - I live with my married best friends in a three person apartment. We're doing it because we want to, not because we need to for monetary reasons. And we're having a blast. Yes, there are some sacrifices we all need to make, re: privacy, alone time, etc. but I don't think there's a reason they would necessarily cause problems for your marriage.
posted by shaun uh at 9:26 PM on June 8

My partner and I lived with a roommate for quite a while. Privacy was never much of an issue, and while we're glad to have our own place now, living that way didn't seem to have any sort of negative effect on our relationship.

If you enter into it in the spirit of "for now" instead of "for keeps" then it can be really fun.
posted by hermitosis at 9:30 PM on June 8

My partner and I have lived with a friend for stretches of years during our relationship, and we currently have a housemate (as well as our three kids) living with us. We have enjoyed it. jimmythefish points out some downsides, but there are upsides as well, including having more adults to share roughly the same bunch of responsibilities with, for cleaning, maintenance, yard work and so on. We have found living with our friend, and now having a housemate who was not previously our friend, to have been mutually beneficial in many ways.

We have not found living with a single person impacts our relationship with each other much because we still go out as a couple, and single people tend to go out a lot, so we have never suffered too much for lack of privacy. We also do have our own bedroom (smile) and we do a lot of our cuddling, spooning, private talking, and whatnot in there.

When we lived with our friend, we had a four-bedroom house (and no children yet) and we gave him two of the bedrooms, because he had a high need for privacy, and that gave him both a bedroom and a study/hangout space for himself. If your friend's house is a 3-bedroom and you and your husband think you'll need more private space than just one bedroom, maybe you could have a second bedroom for a TV room or office. If something like that is what you need, talk to your friend about it.

There are pros and cons to every housemate situation, and you probably know them. As far as it specifically having a negative impact on your marriage, I wouldn't assume it will.
posted by not that girl at 9:33 PM on June 8

Of course you will have to give up things like privacy and alone time, but there are other things to think about as well. What happens when you two want to move out and your friend still needs help with the mortgage? Consider drawing up some sort of lease-type agreement about the length of your stay, who pays for damages (whether real or imagined on his part -- it is his house after all, and he may want to hold you accountable), and who pays for upkeep on the place.
posted by runningwithscissors at 9:36 PM on June 8 [1 favorite has favorites]

Don't do it. Hang in there in your current, albeit non-ideal situation until you can afford the privacy and intimacy that your marriage deserves. Why introduce a bunch more varibles? Save up money for your dream house - don't waste time w/ college living - you're past that. Living where you currently live is the same thing as living in the house with your friend. Believe me, moving in with your friend will just set you back, and not change the trash in the hallway. Stay put, and save, save, save. When your lease is up, you'll have a down payment and no roommates!
posted by rumsey monument at 10:10 PM on June 8

p.s. listen to jimmythefish.
posted by rumsey monument at 10:21 PM on June 8

I've done this from both ends both married and live in girlfriend with varying degrees of mostly success. The biggest factor is the layout and design of the house. In a large house with living room and rec/family room you might effectively end up only sharing a kitchen as the master bedroom can be separated vertically or horizontally from the other bedrooms. This is by far the best arrangement short of a fully self contained suite and is in some ways better than say a duplex. For one thing it is much less likely that both families will be away from the house for extended periods greatly reducing the hassle of getting someone to water your plants; take care of a pet; and generally just making sure the furnace didn't quit in the middle of -40 weather. And for the single person it greatly increases the chance someone is around to hear them scream if they break their leg in the bath or something.

In a smaller (say 1000 square feet and below) single story house with little duplication of services it can be cramped. At which point you'd better get along good with your room mate but that would apply whether your room mate owns the house or not.

The biggest draw back IMO is not being able to wander around naked or nearly so. Slipping out to the kitchen for a mid night snack requires throwing on a robe.

jimmythefish has a point on affordablitity but there are different degrees of "in order to afford" and lots of people have done this quite successfully and of course lots of people have crashed and burned too. The risk on your end is mostly in the potential loss of a friendship should disaster strike and drama follow.

Personally a choice between small apartment in immature college kid infested apartment building vs single room mate in a SFH which also allowed me to increase my savings rate would be no choice at all. But then I really hate sharing a common wall with people I can't come to terms with.

I'm kind of an informal guy but prudence would say to have a basic contract outlining stuff like who pays for wear and tear and repairs, who is responsible for maintenance tasks (like painting, furnace repair, toilet replacement), who is responsible for chores in common areas like grass cutting and snow clearing, utility split, lease term, and financial responsibilities if this arrangement explodes in 4 months. I'd insist that all utilities be in the owners name. And bank your security deposit when you get it so it's available when you move out of the shared accommodation. Discuss whether the owner will be claiming your portion of the rent as income.

Also note that renters insurance can be difficult to get in this kind of living arrangement.
posted by Mitheral at 10:31 PM on June 8

If he doesn't have enough $ to cover the mortgage, how will he have enough $ to cover the upkeep? Even if you're handy, regular maintenance can get into the multiple Ks very easily. From a financial POV, this sounds like a bad idea.
posted by thomas j wise at 10:35 PM on June 8

Like others have said, if he's buying a house he can't really afford, what happens if you do move in? What if you want to have a family and would need more personal space, or you just want a place of your own? Yes, you CAN always have a lease set up or whatever, but that won't change the fact that leaving at some point in the future can still damage your friendship. He may hope his income will increase with time, but if it doesn't, what then?
If he's a good enough friend that you would consider living with him, I'd imagine the friendship is something you'd like to preserve.

It's not like renting with a roommate, who can always find a one bedroom for themselves someone wants to end the arrangement. He's stuck with the house one way or the other.

If it wasn't a "he needs help with the mortgage" situiation I'd say go for it, it seems like a win-win. It's that you would be going into a situiation where he would be utterly financially dependent on you that sends up red flags.
posted by Kellydamnit at 10:46 PM on June 8

If you can't afford a house without roommates, you can't afford the house.

A lot of people in the SF Bay Area would disagree with this. Roommates are often a given. If you think you can get along with this guy, and the house lay out doesn't suck, per Mitheral's comment, I don't see a problem with it. If it doesn't work out, it'll be a hassle but that's about it.

I'm a single person living with a couple who own the house, and I have had no problem getting renter's insurance.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:29 PM on June 8

So, our friend is buying a house. He needs roommates to help him cover the mortgage.

As many of the above say or imply, this is a dangerous cocktail.

The problem that sticks out at me is that he's your friend and he needs you to pay his mortgage payments.

So what happens when you have a problem, or a job opportunity moves you to another city, or any of a hundred other things that make you need to move... but you'll feel obligated to stay and help your friend with his payments? Your rent becomes a twisted-up kind of obligation, which isn't good on any level.

If you want to do this, I suggest buying the house together, in whatever percentage works correctly. Then you have a partnership (with its own possible problems, yes) instead of a landlord-tenant relationship.

Better still, remember this is a business arrangement: Keep your friends and business separate, and both will work out better.
posted by rokusan at 12:48 AM on June 9

I can't comment on the financial/what if we need to move issues raised by others, but my wife and I have had a roommate (or 3, in one special case) since we've been together, about 4 years now. Our current roommate is fantastic! We split chores/grocery $, she bakes delicious deserts about once a week, and we all get along really well. We all hang out together frequently, but I have plenty of alone time with my wife. I think really what you need to look out for are just general roommate/landlord issues; dealing with damages to the property, dividing expenses and the like. Being married and having a roommate can work for sure.

I would also disagree with rokusan's point above re: buying into the house. That would simply exacerbate the existing issues.
posted by The Castle at 1:47 AM on June 9

That would simply exacerbate the existing issues.

Well, no. Then your reliance on each other is a two-way street, which is a heck of a lot better than one-way reliance vs guilty obligation.

The Castle, your example is the reverse of the OP's question: you're the couple owning a house, and your single tenants have even changed on you in just a few years.

I'm sure from the perspective of the homeowner it's just lovely yes.
posted by rokusan at 2:46 AM on June 9

My wife and I had a houseguest for the first few years we were married. He was a good friend of ours and he just sort of needed a place to stay. Since we were the homeowners and he didn't pay us rent the financial stuff wouldn't apply to your situation. Also, he was good about helping out around the house and it sounds like the guy you'd be living with would be good about that sort of thing, too.

All in all, we didn't have any problems with it at the time. After we moved to another state, we became aware of how much of married life we were missing out on. The time for the two of us to talk, etc. was severely restricted, but we didn't really know because we'd never had it.

So, aside from seconding the idea that you may be setting yourself up for problems by providing the rent your friend needs to pay his mortgage, I'd warn you that you will be sacraficing a great deal of the privacy that a couple might need to thrive together.
posted by Quizicalcoatl at 6:24 AM on June 9

DH and I have shared residences with several room mates. I'd say we have a 50/50 success rate. Space is critical. The smaller the place the less likely successful living. Just some data points.

1. One bedroom apartment: Friend moved in and slept in the living room for 2 months until a 2 bedroom apartment became available. We all moved into the 2 bedroom together and things were good until his employment situation became rocky and he became unable to pay rent. He left owing us $500 and eventually paid us back. We're still friends and it has been about 15 years.

2. Same two bedroom apartment: Friend moved in. Few months later friends boyfriend moved in. Totally different lifestyles clashed. There was conflict in cleaning habits, work schedules, tv schedules, etc. It annoyed us to no end that at 3am the boyfriend would be up taping anime. That one didn't last long and the friendships never really recovered.

3. Moved into a 2-story, 4 bedroom house with a different college friend. Her boyfriend followed shortly there after. The four of us lived together for about 18 months. While it wasn't ideal in some respects, we all tried to respect each others space and tried to keep things tidy. It helped that upstairs had 2 of the bedrooms and downstairs had the other two. It was like having two apartments that shared a common area. One of the biggest conflicts came when we rescued a grey hound that a neighbor was abusing. We eventually rehomed the dog and continued living together for some time. Still friends though distance and schedules rarely put us in touch.

4. Current home, a different 2-story, 4 bedroom. We've twice had a roomie in our guest room. Both were short (under 6 months) term situations. We love both these people dearly but have discovered that at this point, we suck as roommates. I am much more territorial than I used to be and don't share space well. Still friends with these two.
posted by onhazier at 6:55 AM on June 9

All the times (three) I have lived in a housing situation with a long-term couple and a single person weird power-dynamic tensions have emerged - and in all cases the people involved were relatively easy-going friends beforehand - so be forewarned. The fact that two people are in a couple might makes it seem to the single like it's always 2-versus-1 in decisions or disagreements, and if one of the couple does side with the single person it can also be weird.

Again, I found this to be true even when the people all seemed mature and sensible going into it. Three is a tough number; two of the situations ended up with a lot of tension, one just an overall weirdness that went away once the housing situation was over. For what it's worth, this includes times I was the single person and in the couple. And all of these happened a long time ago. But maybe you can make it work better than any of the situations I was in, if you decide to go for it.
posted by aught at 7:15 AM on June 9

He is by far the neatest and most mature of our friends. We know if we move in with him it will be very clear who is responsible for which chores, how clean the house will be kept, etc.

This bodes well. Set up some additional ground rules and discuss some exit strategies for such time that you and your husband want to move out. Also discuss a strategy for neutrally bringing up grievances, something a little more formalized than "oh, lemme know if we're bugging you." The rhythm of the household once you get settled will probably require some tweaking and negotiation, which can be essentially non-issues if you want.

You have to talk about his mortgage with him, too, since you're involved with the paying of it and it's the roof over your head. It would not be excessive, in my mind, for you to see the home inspection report. Make sure he's not in over his head, and that he's not cutting his corners too close. And it is essential that you straighten out right away a few worst-case financial scenarios. If the boiler/furnace goes pfffft! in January, where is the money to replace it going to come from?

If the house is cramped, the space and privacy issues can be a dealbreaker. How many bathrooms does the house have? At the very least, are there two toilets? Do your bedrooms share a wall? How much space is there for three adults to be able to relax? (There's the couple vs roommate dynamic, but also keep in mind that you and your husband are not a single entity.)

However, I can't really get behind jimmythefish's comment the way a lot of commenters did upthread because hey, if you are the kind of person who absolutely does not like having a roommate and it bothers you in principle to snuggle on the couch with another human in the building (which is fine, to each his own) you would never have considered this scenario for a moment.

Personally, I would rather have to throw on a robe to walk to the bathroom than have a bunch of terrible neighbors, which is exhausting and frustrating. Do what's best for you own quality of life. In your shoes, I'd have absolutely no problem with living with a roommate.
posted by desuetude at 7:30 AM on June 9

Is there something I absolutely need to know before getting into this?

In setting rent and responsibility for maintenance/utilities, look around at other house-shares in the area, rather than looking at "what my friend needs in order to make his mortgage payments." Remember that he has more responsibility than you, but that he also sees the upside of this investment, if there is one, and you don't.
posted by palliser at 7:58 AM on June 9

Is there something I absolutely need to know before getting into this?

You absolutely need to sort out your options. You're placing this option, living with the friend, as the alternative to your current situation, living with obnoxious neighbors--perhaps because you feel pressured to make a decision? Why not look into renting a new place on your own? Rather than helping your friend make his mortgage payments (after which, he owns a house... and you don't), what could you be doing with that money?

My husband and I had one roommate we didn't like (he had been my husband's roommate before I moved in and there was some overlap between the old and new lease) and one roommate we did like (a friend who had signed a new lease that didn't start until a month later). The reasons we liked or disliked them were basic roommate stuff--one was neat, the other messy; one was polite, the other socially awkward--but I think either situation would have escalated into something unbearable if they hadn't been short term.

I think desuetude's comment about being the sort of person who likes or doesn't like having a roommate is useful for starting to sort your thoughts, but also somewhat incomplete. I like having roommates just fine, but when I moved in with my husband the dynamic changed. I may like having roommates, but I don't like having roommates in addition to my SO. YMMV, of course, but it's something to think about.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:32 AM on June 9

I was in the same situation with my long term boyfriend. The only difference was we aren't married.

I don't recommend this living situation. When all is said and done, the house belongs to the friend and he dictates your married life - you can't just get a pet or have kids or have the family over for you birthday if you live in someone else's house. Theres now a third party that you need to communicate and plan with to use "your" house. I feel that once I'm married, I'd want to be the Queen on my own Domain. Also, be aware that your only personal space will be your bedroom. For me it started to feel like I was paying rent to live in a 10 x 10 room instead of a whole house. You will need to keep all of your valuables and important records in your bedroom. It will get cramped. I was also bothered by the fact that if I was sitting at the table eating or in the office on the computer and my boyfriend's friend was there, that I should make conversation because I can't just ignore the human in the room. However this was always forced because we did not know each other well.

I think it would be OK if you and your spouse owned a house and had a roommate, because then you would have control and freedom over your lives together. But when I was in your situation, I actually moved out and got an apartment within 8 months. The college age apartment complex kids can't eat your food or sit on your couch and watch tv...
posted by WeekendJen at 10:14 AM on June 9

I'm married and we chose living with a roommate over living by ourselves. We enjoy having someone else around and I think it can be a healthy dynamic helping the relationship from being too inward looking. I think choosing to live this way is key but it sounds like you are happy to consider it; sharing housing gets easier as you get older. If all parties are happy to do so I don't see any problems over and above any other shared situation, as others have pointed out layout can make a big difference.

From other questions on here it seems like people's attitude towards sharing depends on where they live. I'm with small ruminant on this one, I see nothing unusual in this and I know banks are happy to lend money on this basis. Certainly in London we got much more space by sharing than we could ever could have afforded living on our own and the benefits outweighed any disadvantages; we chose to carry on doing so even though we live somewhere more affordable now. I've been sharing for a long time but my wife was living on her own previously (though she grew up with tenants/lodgers around). Her comment on this is that choosing to live as a couple was the biggest compromise on privacy and adding a roommate didn't make much difference after this.

That said the one thing you do need to do is make the financial basis is absolutely clear, be upfront about from the start and get it sorted in a legally binding contract so all parties know where they stand. There is nothing wrong or unusual about getting roommates into to help pay the mortgage and there should be standard documents to cover this which will differ from a normal tenancy but not by so much. That's assuming this will be a rental situation. People do buy houses together (we are actually subletting in a house like this at the moment) but it's a longer term commitment and you do need to think about what happens when you want to leave.
posted by tallus at 10:27 AM on June 9

If you want to do this, I suggest buying the house together, in whatever percentage works correctly. Then you have a partnership (with its own possible problems, yes) instead of a landlord-tenant relationship.

Frankly, this strikes me as having more potential to end badly than just moving in as tenants.

If you have a fight with your friend/landlord, you move out and that's that. If you have a fight with your friend/co-owner, either one of you raises the money to buy the other out — and if you had that sort of money, you wouldn't be doing this, right? — or you're trapped in a business partnership with someone you can't stand. No thanks.
posted by nebulawindphone at 11:52 AM on June 9

My gf and I lived in our house for years with a friend. Here were the problems:

1) He wasn't very clean, and left dirty dishes in the sink.
2) He didn't play music loud, but we could sometimes hear the bass thumping in the night (but he always turned it down when asked).
3) A few of his friends weren't people I would have invited into my home.

Not bad for 3 years of cohabitating -- I was sorry to see him leave. Now here's why things worked out so well:

1) He was a friend, but not a close friend. We rarely hung out outside of home, so we never got sick of being near him and never ran into outside drama or personality conflicts.
2) We all worked differed schedules.
3) The way my house is situated, the only room we needed to share was the kitchen. Separate bathroom, separate living areas. THIS MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE! It was more like my gf and I were living in a smaller house (since we ceded some areas to him), rather than sharing everything we had.

In the end, the success of the arrangement will almost certainly hinge on everyone's personalities rather than any specific arrangements. Some people are just more accommodating and thoughtful than others. Some are very territorial and rude. It's hard to know who's who before moving in.
posted by coolguymichael at 12:25 PM on June 9

It sounds like it could work, but it does violate one of Gecko's Three Rules For A Happy Life:

1. Don't work with family
2. Don't live with friends
3. Don't sleep with the help
posted by geckoinpdx at 1:05 PM on June 9 [1 favorite has favorites]

2. Don't live with friends

I really really disagree with this rule. Perhaps it all depends on how flexible you're willing to be, but I've had fantastic luck living with friends, even once I was married. Currently we have a great situation where friends are renting the second unit in a two-family house that we own. This is obviously a bit different, since they have almost completely separate living spaces. Prior to that I've (with my long term girlfriend, then wife) lived with friends in almost every apartment I've been in.

It helps to live with someone you're super comfortable around. Maybe if you're really lucky you can be with a friend who wouldn't be scandalized by you running around the house naked?

In 12 years of living with friends, I've only once had a problematic roommate situation... figure out what your expectations are for keeping shared spaces clean. For me, the most important room is the kitchen, whereas I hardly notice when other parts of the house are messy. (obviously, this can cause tension when mixed with the wrong roommate ;)
posted by darkshade at 3:19 PM on June 9

Thanks everyone for the answers! Your responses led to me asking a bunch of questions of my husband and our friend. Through all that we found out that the house our friend is currently thinking about buying doesn't have air conditioning, which is a deal-breaker for my husband. That said, if this kind of opportunity arises again, I think I'll go into it with a bit more information and lots of questions. Thank you.
posted by shesbookish at 4:59 PM on June 9

The best experiences I've had with roommates has been when we were friendly, but not bestest friends. It's much easier to keep things on a business-type level when there's even a slight bit of separation. When my husband and I shared a townhouse with a mutual friend, it worked because we got along, but we weren't inseperable. We had different busy schedules, we were considerate, we divided the chores in a way that we were all happy with, and we had plenty of space that we didn't have to be around each other if we didn't want to be. In your situation, I'd do it in a minute, as long as there was a good lease.
posted by lemniskate at 5:07 PM on June 9