I've been slowly regaining my sanity, how have you been?

May 22, 2009 11:03 AM

How I move on from my past and accept the new me? I've spent the last 2.5 years rebuilding my life and getting treatment for bipolar disorder. While I was in law school, I swung from "normal," to full blown mania, and then crippling depression. How do I deal with seeing people who last knew me as crazy?

I'm a 27 year old female. I did well in law school, graduated, but I failed the bar (see crippling depression). I was diagnosed with bipolar-II disorder around that time. Since beginning treatment, I shifted careers and moved to another state to get an additional degree. A few months ago, I moved back to my home state, but to a different city for a job in my new career.

This summer, I'm invited to several weddings and baby showers, where I will see all sorts of friends and relatives, many who have not seen me since 2006 or 2007. I’ve since lost about 50 of the 80 or so pounds I gained during the “bad times.” I’m quieter and less “sparkly” then I was while I was manic, my brain doesn’t move as quickly, I find I have a lot less to say. Of course, I’m more even, less impulsive, and considerably less prone to bouts of tears. But, I feel boring. These days I work, run with my dog, read, and get plenty of sleep. I’m so much better, but I miss the exciting, albeit destructive person I used to be.

On the other hand, I have a lot of shame about my past. I was irresponsible, and had no sense of the consequences of my actions. Most of this ended up hurting me, but it hurt other people as well. I’ve apologized to many people, and worked to rebuild relationships, which has been mostly successful. My relationship with my immediate family is especially improved. But, since I moved away, I’ve had little connection with many of these less close friends, and fear what they think of me. Also, I recognize that I’m jealous of their marriages and babies, and I wonder what my life would be like now if I hadn’t gotten sick. I’m also single and feel a little disconnected from them, as our lives are in different places.

I have an excellent therapist and I’m on my meds. Does anyone have past experiences or suggestions for coping with being the new you around people who last knew your old self? Mental illness experiences would be especially great.

posted by anonymous to human relations (17 comments total)

I think you need to let go of your shame. You are diagnosed with a medical condition and there is no reason to feel ashamed. Not only that, but as a responsible adult you took the necessary steps to actively participate in healing yourself. I find that commendable, not shameful.

You are being invited to these events presumably because the people involved would enjoy your presence. Just go and be yourself. If people make comments about how much better you are doing, thank them and tell them that after a lot of searching you have found the right path and are feeling great. If anything they will be impressed with you, not judging your past.

But honestly most of those people have had their own hurdles in life and are not concerned with yours. You are way overthinking this, trust me. Just go and have a good time. If you feel you have nothing to talk about, read the NY Times headlines every day for a couple of weeks beforehand (you can have them emailed to you daily). Voila, current events!
posted by sickinthehead at 11:13 AM on May 22 [6 favorites]

I agree with sickinthehead - 2006/2007 doesn't seem that long ago, but these intervening years have had major changes for your friends, even if they aren't the same sorts of changes you've made. They invited you back into their lives for major events, and you'll be with groups of people. These events are for someone else, so you don't have to be the center of attention, or even make things lively. You'll be there as a friend amongst friends. Maybe make a point of visiting with friends in small groups or go out to lunch with them one at a time, if you feel too disconnected to jump into wedding / baby showers all at once.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:23 AM on May 22

In college there were several people who were known to have been involved in one or more "incidents." Things like showing up at the department head's house in the middle of the night with eyebrows on fire. Some of these poeple just went away, some went away and came back.

The ones that came back, if they seemed happy and functional, especially showing normal friendship and humor, would simply be taken at their own face value. Any incidents, as time passed, were simply colorful personal anedotes, and not some kind of permanent stigma.

The same is true for physical ailments. That tall lanky guy that blew up like a Macy's balloon for a year, probably as the result of some medication, is tall and lanky again, and so what?
posted by StickyCarpet at 11:25 AM on May 22 [1 favorite]

I miss the exciting, albeit destructive person I used to be.

Beware of this thinking, if you find it leads you to thinking about stopping your meds. Better to skip the social events for now, if they tempt you to do that.
posted by Houstonian at 11:25 AM on May 22 [1 favorite]

Great advice above. Also, don't underestimate people's ability to forgive/ forget/ readily allow their new impression of you to replace the old.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 11:26 AM on May 22

Sickinthehead is absolutely right. You're over-thinking this and those people aren't going to care about your change nearly as much as you think. I mean... you haven't seen them in 2 or 3 years, right? So, pretty clearly, you were never all THAT close.

My husband has bipolar disorder. Before he got treatment he was a crazy work-a-holic during the day and a fairly heavy drinker at nights and on weekends. He's not like that anymore and, it's true, some of his old friends dropped away. But you know what? Those friendships were never very high quality to begin with if simply calming down and not getting plastered on weekends was enough to end them. His good friends have remained and over the years (it's been nearly 20 years since he was diagnosed and began treatment), new friendships have grown to take the place of those old ones.

You'll be okay. If any of the old friends ask about the change in you, I think Sickinthehead's suggested reply is excellent. You don't need to volunteer any more information than you feel comfortable with.

It's not that you're ashamed of your diagnosis -- it's simply that it's private.
posted by rhartong at 11:29 AM on May 22

A closely-related friend of mine lived a very similar situation. Everyone was happy to see her feel better, and there were no negative remarks about her past; if you're invited, go, and don't worry about the past. Good luck, and congratulations on your efforts!
posted by ddaavviidd at 11:34 AM on May 22

The good news is that there is far more information out there wrt bipolar disorder so chances are people will be somewhat informed of the struggle you're having. My own DD has BD which manifested much earlier than yours and had a much greater effect on her life as she was mostly manic for >10 years and consistently refused treatment. Nothing like combining hormones kicking in along with this. She's into year 2 of rebuilding, and has found it frustrating at times.

You've done wonders towards building the life you want. It's also understandable that you find yourself a bit more boring than the living on the edge manic you. I'll bet your friends and family are just glad to have you back and doing well. If their experience was anything like ours, they had to watch from the sidelines as there's almost nothing you can do to help until the person realizes they need help. So, hold your head up! Be finished with apologizing. Perhaps you could take up hang gliding or rock climbing or kick boxing or whatever gives you a controlled high from overcoming fear/physical challenge. My once skinny little DD can now curl 50lbs as she's always at the gym. And beware of employers who'd prefer the manic, 20-hour-a-day workaholic you around.
posted by x46 at 11:36 AM on May 22 [1 favorite]

Just go and be yourself. If people make comments about how much better you are doing, thank them and tell them that after a lot of searching you have found the right path and are feeling great. If anything they will be impressed with you, not judging your past.

Yes, I think this would be the case. As you said, it's really only the people that aren't very close to you that will be seeing the "new" you at this point, so they probably aren't losing sleep at night over things that happened in the past. Most things that seem like a big deal at the time can become water under the bridge after a while.

Really all you can do is be yourself and let other people react however they want to that. Since you're just seeing them at events like weddings and baby showers, your interaction probably won't get much further than small-talk. If you don't want to talk about yourself or you feel like you don't have a lot of great anecdotes to share, you can always just steer the conversation towards asking other people about themselves. Most people love talking about themselves so if you can stand to hear some boring stories or weird rants you can make it through a lot of conversations by just asking a few questions.
posted by burnmp3s at 11:40 AM on May 22

I wonder if your friends don't feel the same about themselves, but in a different way:

Now that I'm married with a kid, what will my friends think of me? I'm a bit heavier and not as fun as I was back then. I'm exhausted from taking care of the baby and I don't have the energy to dress nice anymore.

I know it's not the same as recovering from a mental problem, but I think everybody feels wistful of their past. Also, your recovery is making you a healthier person. Your friends will be happy for you.
posted by clearlydemon at 11:43 AM on May 22 [1 favorite]

I was on the 'receiving end' of something like this a while ago. I was hailed by someone I didn't recognise at a wedding; it was only when they came up to me that I realised that it was someone I'd known at school, minus a lot of weight and perma-depressed expression. I complemented her on her dress and how healthy she was looking, she used the opportunity to tell me about how she'd got herself sorted out since school. So really, as clearlydemon said, almost exactly the same interaction as with everyone else at the wedding I hadn't seen for ages, but with a bit of mental health info thrown in.

Great advice in this thread; really, you'll be totally fine.
posted by Coobeastie at 12:48 PM on May 22

You sound like you're doing much better, and people will probably notice that. Being high-energy and high-intensity can be fun and exciting but it's not like that's the only disposition that others will value or find interesting.

I miss the exciting, albeit destructive person I used to be.

It's my impression that this is not unusual for people being treated for bipolar disorder. But the highs and the lows are a package, you know? Keep that in mind. And if you feel too evened out, you can probably adjust or change meds. There are options. And congratulations on finishing a very challenging course of study. It reflects well on you.
posted by clockzero at 1:37 PM on May 22

will find valuable, that is.
posted by clockzero at 1:37 PM on May 22

I've been through almost exactly the same thing. About ten years ago, I went through some really insane and intense stuff that became extremely public. My life was completely derailed for a while. (If you'd like to talk with me, you can message me.) I've made an incredible recovery and have been very successful, and that past me is not anything like the present me. I still get embarrassed and uncomfortable sometimes when I encounter people who haven't seen me since then, and I've made plenty of amends and apologies. What I've found, though, is all of the embarrassment and shame and guilt is unnecessary; everyone is just happy I'm doing well, and proud of me. No one has judged me like I've judged myself. I'm sure this is true in your case as well. I too feel disconnected and different from other people because of the experiences I've gone through, and I constantly have to remind myself not to compare myself to them. You've had an interesting life, and you are a unique person, and there is no such thing as normal anyway.
posted by Dilemma at 10:31 PM on May 22 [3 favorites]

From your description, withholding knowledge of bipolar disorder, you sound like a person who has matured a lot in recent years. In a good way: slimmer, calmer, happier. Replace "slowly regaining sanity" with "getting better, finally growing up (laughter)". This should cut the point from any negative stuff from the past and package the whole history in an easily digestable format, a story of growing up and finding yourself.
posted by Free word order! at 6:00 AM on May 24

You are probably more concerned about this stuff than anyone you know, probably because you might find your past embarrassing. I think you'll find people are quick to move past whatever their recollections of you before may be.
posted by chunking express at 8:54 AM on May 25

I don't know if I agree with those who are telling you that you're overestimating how notable your past actions and current recovery are for your peers and colleagues. Law school is a very competitive environment. I think it's normal to have the fears and apprehension you're expressing. That said, what people are going to notice when you see them again is how well you are doing NOW. If you come in calm, cool and collected, you will make a fantastic impression. Your life may seem boring to you (esp. in comparison to who you used to be) but I have a feeling people will likely embrace the new you even more than the old. Being too dazzling can be tiresome. Having your act together is much more pleasant for people across the table.

It sounds like you're doing great. Be confident about that and let it show.

Also, your true friends only care that you're happy, regardless of how "successful" you happen to be at the moment.
posted by smallstatic at 6:22 AM on May 26 [1 favorite]