Help me come!

May 8, 2009 8:49 PM

How can I get off from oral sex?

I'm a 30 year old straight male, and have an incredibly difficult time with blow jobs. As in, I can never seem to get off from one. I enjoy them. They feel great. I just don't seem to come from them (or if I do, it takes a tortuously long time).

Oh, don't get me wrong - it has happened before on rare occasions, but it is certainly the exception rather than the rule. This has caused no small degree of consternation for my various female partners over the years, with a couple even breaking down in tears thinking they were doing something wrong.

I am thinking that this sort of response has turned on itself and become a point of anxiety for me, making me think more about trying to come than simply enjoying the BJ...but I can't seem to turn it OFF. Then I start to feel guilty about how long it's taking, etc., etc. God forbid there is some other distraction present such as, say, the chance of getting caught.

What can I do to just relax and enjoy the ride? How can I finish? How normal is this?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total)

Why don't you try segueing into something else before anyone starts crying?
posted by grobstein at 8:56 PM on May 8, 2009

I've had partners like this. (As an aside: I'm willing to guess that you are circumcised, and that the desensitization your glans has experienced is the reason for this. I'm not a doctor. Just a Cock Connoisseur. And one sees trends...)

It may sound ridiculous and I know some people consider it a degrading act - but if your partners want you to come on/in/around/because of their mouth, then you might try facefucking.
posted by greekphilosophy at 9:00 PM on May 8, 2009

I find it most helpful if my partner uses both her mouth and her hand at the same time. That creates much more sensation and (appropriate) pressure than mouth alone.
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 9:14 PM on May 8, 2009

Just try the wildly popular, wildly successful finger in the ass. I guarantee anybody receiving a blowjob while also having their asshole fingered will, indeed, enjoy themselves unto completion.
posted by Netzapper at 9:38 PM on May 8, 2009

Normal, based on my experience with straight men. I won't give you any advice on how to better enjoy yourself, since I am not a guy. If you take Netzapper's advice, I'm sure you'll run into women who are reluctant to put a finger up there. You can use a vibe instead. I've never seen a guy NOT cum with a vibe in his ass.
posted by desjardins at 9:42 PM on May 8, 2009

[This is a response from an anonymous commenter.]

I had this same problem with my boyfriend. It would take him 45 minutes to come. Of course, I didn't start sobbing, but a 45 minute BJ is hard on a girl. Here's what I did, and he now comes in 10 minutes or less.

First, go down on the boy. When he's feeling really good, have him switch to jerking himself off, and then the girl sucks on his balls or the skin surrounding them, whatever his preference. Trade off between the normal BJ and the him jerking off, ball sucking.

Works like a charm every time.

posted by cortex at 9:50 PM on May 8, 2009

My sex therapist would say that this is a sensitization issue -- your body is used to getting off from a specific type of stimulation that you're not getting from oral sex. Unfortunately, the solution to this seems to be "gradually wean yourself from other pleasurable things like vigorous masturbation with awesome visual aids and start masturbating with a gentle touch and without fantasizing, rather focusing on physical sensation." Or, I would presume, getting lots of blow jobs all the time whenever you want to come, and eventually you'll be more sensitized to it.

FWIW, I have the same "issue" (and am not circumcised), and facefucking is definitely the closest I've gotten to it "working", because I am reasonably sensitized to fucking motions. :) Working self-masturbation into it is also reasonably successful, but that's arguably not a blowjob anymore.

Also, everything generally seems hotter when I take the attitude of "I'm going to do whatever I like with you and you're going to enjoy it", but that might just be me.
posted by trevyn at 10:25 PM on May 8, 2009

Seconding Netzapper.
posted by mezamashii at 10:25 PM on May 8, 2009

Some points:
1. I get off when the blower(?) is exceedingly enthusiastic about performing the job.
2. Finger in the ass almost always makes the experience more pleasurable and gets me off quicker. Highly recommended.
3. Rhythym makes all the difference. Oral sex is delightful, but once I get to the point of wanting to orgasm, I need it done with a steady rhythm.
posted by HotPatatta at 10:35 PM on May 8, 2009

How often do you masturbate?
posted by hermitosis at 10:55 PM on May 8, 2009

Doesn't work for me either.
I get self-conscious.
I just let my partners know this.
Fortunately regular penetration
works wonderfully.
posted by Sully at 11:33 PM on May 8, 2009

Please be cognizant of your partner if you try the face fucking thing - it's exhausting and a bit painful for the fuckee, so be aware of how they are doing. Also, the handjob/blowjob tends to work pretty well in my experience (as the giver), some guys just need more friction and stimulation than they can get from plain ol oral.

As a chick, I have a hard time getting off on oral sex. Which is tough, because a lot of guys feel like it's a sure thing and get frustrated when it doesn't work right away. The best advice I can give is to give it time. It takes a while to figure out what people like. There's no "one size fits all" when it comes to getting off - so either mix it up or use the blowjob as foreplay and get off either with your hand and your partner's participation, or try it the old fashioned way (penetration).
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:01 AM on May 9, 2009

become a point of anxiety for me, making me think more about trying to come than simply enjoying the BJ...but I can't seem to turn it OFF. Then I start to feel guilty about how long it's taking, etc., etc.

This suggests to me that you are spending too much time during this process alone in your own head. I have found that opening things up and doing lots of communicating makes sex much, much better in all aspects.

Is she willing and eager to take instruction? Well then bloody well tell her what to do. Mix it up, direct her, it is your very own personal porno movie. Hold the back of her head, tell her to get things good and wet, to use her hand. Explain to her when it is good and right, and that she had better not stop doing exactly that until you come... etc. etc.

Stop being alone with your issues in bed.
posted by Meatbomb at 4:10 AM on May 9, 2009

Lots of guys have this "problem". Lots of people can only come one way or another. It really doesn't matter. What does matter is that you don't have one partner sitting there thinking 'why the hell is this taking so long? I'd better do it for another forty five minutes' and the other going 'I can't get off. What's wrong with me?'

Tell your partner it's usually hard for you to get off from oral sex but that you really enjoy it and it's okay to move on to whatever the next thing is when you're both ready.

It's probably mainly mechanical (friction, speed, something) and if it's important enough to engineer past you probably could, but I think the first thing to do is not get too worked up about it.

(If you have partners who broke down in tears over this, I'm guessing they haven't had that many sexual partners. You can assure them it's common and not their fault. If you want to work on it together, great, but feeling pressure to get off from oral sex is not a great use of everyone's daily allotment of stress.)
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:28 AM on May 9, 2009

How normal is this?

I think it's pretty normal. See, the thing about oral sex is that it's possible for the person giving it to have no idea how you're feeling. It's also possible for the two parties to enjoy oral sex for different reasons. The giver might enjoy might doing it X way, while the receiver is more into Y. The key here is communication. You two have to talk. Before you talk you should have an idea of what you like and don't like about oral sex or baring that know that you don't know. Then admit that you don't know and you two can have fun experimenting. It's all about being an active participant, which brings me to this very important question of yours:

What can I do to just relax and enjoy the ride?

It's not a ride, where you can sit back and let someone else do all the work. You need to be an active participant in the act, especially if you want to break this cycle. Talk to her and tell her what you want as she's doing it. Talk dirty. Try different positions so you can actively feel and touch parts of her body. Try some of the suggestions mentioned above. Whatever, but get out of the mindset that says "I'm getting a blow job, so I'll just lie here 'till the magic moment happens." That doesn't work for anything in life.

Also keep in mind that not coming from oral sex is ok. It could just be something you're not into for achieving orgasms, so don't try to use it for that or have your partners use it that way. It just might be an appetizer for you, not the main course.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:00 AM on May 9, 2009

We've spent so long drilling into dude's heads LISTEN, IT CAN BE DIFFICULT FOR GIRLS TO COME, THEY MAY NOT COME FROM INTERCOURSE ALONE, MANY NEED A SPECIFIC TYPE OF STIMULATION THEY'RE USED TO SUCH AS RUBBING THE CLIT OR USING A VIBRATOR, SOME HAVE A REALLY HARD TIME COMING, etc, but of course dudes are supposed to come at a drop of a hat if someone casts a sidelong glance at their dongle. Pfft. Don't worry about it, homeboy, you're totally normal.

If you want to come from oral, find a patient partner, and try some new things, but good god, man, you need to not let this get out of hand! I love sucking dick, but that shit has a time limit. No wonder girls were in tears. If you know a girl isn't going to get you off that way, let her know "I really want to (alternative activity that gets you off)." No harm done.

Girls aren't going down on you because they have a protein deficiency. They're going down on you as a favor to you, because it makes you feel good. If it's passed the point where it's feeling good, it's rude to make them keep slobbering away while they're thinking "JESUS CHRIST ALREADY" and you're thinking "BOO HOO WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?" Is anyone having fun in that situation?

If I was your girl, I'd be willing to do anything to get you off. But a lack of communication and the fact you didn't stop the blowjob before it got tediously long is the reason why these girls are upset. They're not crying because they didn't get a mouthful of come.
posted by Juliet Banana at 6:00 AM on May 9, 2009

One more vote for this being fairly normal, not something broken that needs to be fixed. I love oral sex, but the chances of making me come are minuscule. The sensations just aren't quite right, or something, I don't know.

Juliet Banana is right, though, that more communication is key. Just tell the woman early on that it feels great, but you almost never come from oral alone. Use the oral as a nice transition to other stuff, or finish yourself off with your hand, or whatever solution works for the two of you.

And if you have a really giving, experimental partner, see if she'll try out some of the things mentioned here, try different positions, see if there is a variation that will work for you.
posted by Forktine at 6:36 AM on May 9, 2009

If it's passed the point where it's feeling good, it's rude to make them keep slobbering away

Note: the original poster never said that or indicated that's what is occurring.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:40 AM on May 9, 2009

Don't drink any alcohol pre-BJ, and if you can, try to empty bladder pre-erection. These were always killers for me.
posted by teg4rvn at 7:06 AM on May 9, 2009

I realize my last comment was exceedingly bitchy, and I hope it didn't make you feel poorly. Hopefully it was an instructive lesson in how frustrating this situation is to the lady involved, because obviously I have been that lady and have a bit of frustration that I took out on you.

The fact that the fellow isn't having an orgasm is not the problem. The fact that I have no idea if he's enjoying himself, if he'd rather do something else, if I'm doing something wrong, if he's ever going to come, how much longer my jaw's going to be pried off, etc is the problem. Communication will solve all this.

I also agree with the anonymous commenter Cortex mentioned; I do something similar where the dude strokes the shalf while I work the head. I can get a lot more complex with the tongue swirling and such when I don't also have to bob up and down, he's got a motion he's very used to involved, and he gets to finish in my mouth. Everyone wins, hooray.

Note: It requires a little bit of care not to punch her in the mouth, though lord knows if that happened to me in the course of consensual sexual activity I'd probably be delighted.
posted by Juliet Banana at 9:41 AM on May 9, 2009

anonymous poster is dead on. Here's to team effort!
posted by futureisunwritten at 12:21 PM on May 9, 2009

I would not worry about it. I would tell your partner the truth, that while you enoy blowjobs, you don't orgasm from them. No big deal. She can do it for a while if you both feel like it, and then ust move on to something else. I really don;t see that this a cause for any concern.
posted by Penelope at 2:25 PM on May 9, 2009

must disagree with the anonymous poster and agree with those arguing for desensitization. Give her a break and start jerking off? Wrong. Stop jerking off and give her a break! No woman can compete with the man's own hand, so he needs to decrease masturbation frequency and ease up on the grip when he does masturbate; hey, one might want to even abstain from masturbation if one sees any kind of sex on the horizon.
posted by teg4rvn at 3:00 PM on May 9, 2009

Desensitization can play a part, but the question remains, then, exactly what part is desensitized? Don't forget, the biggest sex organ is the brain. I've seen plenty of evidence to suggest that this problem can be gotten over with having your mind in the right place. Which was to say, you have to build a head of steam if you want to make this work.
posted by Goofyy at 11:10 AM on May 10, 2009

With me, it can vary wildly with how I interpret the lady's "enthusiasm". If the girl is cautious, timid, or cautions me ahead of time not to come without warning her, I spend the time in self-conscious worry.

OTOH, a lovely ex-girlfriend of mine, on our first date, informed me late in an evening of much kissing and above-clothes groping that she wanted to taste my cum. BAM! Pretty much freed any worries I might have had, and a few minutes later, I finished, and begged to return the favor.
posted by IAmBroom at 10:28 PM on May 13, 2009