Stop the waterworks!

March 31, 2009 10:06 PM

Over the last year, I've started to cry when I orgasm. While it was an occasional thing at first, it's turned into something that happens every time I come. I really, really hate crying, and feel sick and miserable when I have. It's killing my sex drive--I no longer want to have sex, because I know that it's going to make me cry. How can I stop?

I've seen this question, which confirms that this is normal, but I'm not worried about the normalcy of it--I'm interested in stopping.

I'm not much of a crier. When I do, it leaves me with a stuffy nose, a headache, and often an upset stomach. This is true even when the crying is happy, or pain-induced and thus not emotive. I absolutely hate this feeling, and will do damn near anything to avoid it.

Unfortunately, lately, "avoiding it" has translated to "not having sex". It wasn't intentional, and it didn't occur to me until today, but over the last six months, I've become less and less interested in sex. I think that I started avoiding it because of the inevitable waterworks, and because every time I've had sex lately, it's been negatively reinforced with more tears.

This isn't tied into our relationship at all--I still find my partner attractive, and am more than happy to give handjobs/blowjobs/other things that don't result in orgasm for me. For obvious reasons, though, this isn't a very satisfactory solution for either of us--I miss the great, fun sex that we used to have, and he misses the sexy, engaged, happy sexual partner that he used to have. (Worth mentioning is that when we *do* have sex, it's still great and fun and awesome, but it ends in badness for me, which sort of...kills the fun.)

The crying, at this point, seems to happen regardless of if my orgasm is with him or solo. I come, and about a minute later, I start to cry.

I don't think that I have any great psychological hangups about orgasms or sex--I've always had a fairly healthy and happy sex life, and this has never been an issue for me before. I've been with my partner for about two years, and this has only become a problem in the last year, apparently triggered by nothing.

I realize that this isn't an uncommon reaction to sex, but does anyone have any tips on how to better control myself? Again, I'm primarily interested in figuring out how to stop crying.

posted by anonymous to human relations (16 comments total)

Is it a possibility that you're simply overwhelmed? My experiences have led to crying when they are incredibly good but once you've peaked physical and emotionally there isn't anywhere else to 'go', and the drop after is hard to handle.

Would it help to have him touching or talking to you during your orgasm? Or talk you down after so the drop is less steep? Your question is about helping yourself, but if all else fails maybe he could help you out in identifying what you need so you can do it on your own.
posted by variella at 10:16 PM on March 31

I think that a question like this might really benefit from a throw-away email address.

What first occurred to me after reading this is that maybe what you need to do is to have orgasms more often instead of slacking off on them. Maybe you could devote a weekend to staying in bed and just make yourself come a whole bunch?
I'm wondering if it isn't something akin to impotence: the first time or two it happens for legitimate reasons, but then after that the dread of it happening again pretty much guarantees that it will. Perhaps if you have orgasm after orgasm until you have one that doesn't make you cry (and really, this might be just the second or third or fourth one, not the fiftieth) it will sort of break through whatever it is that is causing you to cry.

The second thing that occurred to me was that maybe you could try screaming (or groaning or whatever noise feels most natural) as loudly as you can (put a pillow over your face if you are worried about neighbors or kids or roomies) as you orgasm. Maybe that kind of release would derail the crying.
posted by Brody's chum at 11:34 PM on March 31

You're sure nothing's behind this? I'm no expert, but when an emotional symptom comes out of nowhere and increasingly disrupts some key aspect of life, I look for psychological causes.

Nothing's coming to the surface that can only break through when you're at your most open? No reason you'd be sad or angry toward your partner? No past experience with your partner that needs addressed? No reason your subconscious would want you to stop having sex, or to stop having sex with this person? No reason (unrelated to your partner) for intense emotions to be piling up and only being released when you completely let down your guard?
posted by salvia at 12:21 AM on April 1 [4 favorites]

I don't think that I have any great psychological hangups about orgasms or sex.

Yeah, it actually sounds more like you have psychological hangups about crying or about expressing emotions in general.
You have a very strong adverse reaction to it ("really really hate, (...) sick and miserable" etc.) Most people - when they're emotionally well, that is - actually like the emotional relief offered by crying. Even if it feels bad in the physical sense (I tend to get headaches and nausea, for example) - I'd still never say I "hate" crying, because it is a relief from stress. A bit like sneezing: it's annoying in a way, but actually feels quite nice :-)
Your strange and very strong aversion to crying must come from somewhere, I think. Look for bottled up emotions, feelings you're not allowed to or not allowing yourself to express; salvia has already named some likely culprits.

(Another, totally different idea: might be hormonal! Have you changed your BC method or anything like that?)
posted by The Toad at 1:22 AM on April 1

When I cry (rarely, and not with sex) it's much much worse if I try to resist it.
posted by BadMiker at 2:17 AM on April 1 [1 favorite]

more than happy to give handjobs/blowjobs/other things that don't result in orgasm for me. For obvious reasons, though, this isn't a very satisfactory solution for either of us

There are not obvious reasons here at all. Non-penetrative sex is not a form of foreplay, it's another type of sex. Which is to say that, if you enjoy this, do it more often and learn to regard it in the proper light.
posted by TypographicalError at 7:31 AM on April 1

It's really just an energetic release, I think. I have had this myself (not every time, however) and realize that for me, it's about really and truly letting go.

"What you resist, persists" so the saying goes. My suggestion is to just let it out, however it comes out and just flow with it. See what happens. The more you fight it, the bigger a "thing" it seems to be and the more you grapple with it. Just go with the flow for a bit.
posted by Mysticalchick at 7:57 AM on April 1

I'd try practicing having orgasms, alone, and neither resisting or encouraging tears. With practice, in an unpressured environment, you may be able to stop.
posted by theora55 at 8:04 AM on April 1 [1 favorite]

OP: more than happy to give handjobs/blowjobs/other things that don't result in orgasm for me. For obvious reasons, though, this isn't a very satisfactory solution for either of us

TypographicalError: There are not obvious reasons here at all. Non-penetrative sex is not a form of foreplay, it's another type of sex. Which is to say that, if you enjoy this, do it more often and learn to regard it in the proper light.

TypographicalError, I do think it's pretty obvious that never having an orgasm again, even if she enjoys giving her partner orgasms and her partner enjoys having them, is a sub-optimal solution. There are blindingly obvious reasons that she might enjoy having an orgasm (like, you know, how it feels good), and also pretty normal reasons that her partner may find their sex life unsatisfying if he's never able/allowed to give her an orgasm again. Saying that she wants to have an orgasm with her partner, whether through penetrative sex or other means, isn't a dig against blowjobs; it's a statement that their mutual sex life is not as good as it could be when only one partner is able to come.

Anonymous, I think that the posters who suggest letting yourself cry are right. The biggest problem right now isn't the crying per se, it's that your fear and discomfort at crying are leaving you unable to engage in activities you enjoy. Prepare to be uncomfortable for a while and just let it happen. That'll help you to get over your fear, and it might even make it less physically upsetting, which could reduce your discomfort.
posted by decathecting at 8:42 AM on April 1

One of the usually unwelcome side effects of anti~depressants is reduction of ability to orgasm. It can be real work to bring me over the top at times. There probably are other drugs or types of drugs that will interfere with orgasms as well.

I agree with you that just giving someone else orgasms isn't a satisfactory solution. But I've had plenty of sex that didn't result in orgasm for me (I'm male), I just get off on the sensations and the closeness that results.

Hopefully your sweetie will be an eager partner in helping you. It's not easy to get over a looming psychological barrier like this. Take it slow.
posted by davoid at 8:42 AM on April 1

I think I agree with salvia on this. Sounds like "get thee to a therapist" to me.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:12 AM on April 1

I think your problem is down in the earthworks of your physiology, not in your emotions.

Various aspects of crying and tearing are under the control of your fifth and seventh cranial nerves. The delay of a minute for the onset of crying after you masturbate makes me think it could be correlated with something like post-orgasm fall in blood pressure, and I think there are ways low thyroid can cause problems with cranial nerves when blood pressure in the head falls after a period of higher pressure.

So I would say get your thyroid checked and try pumping it up somehow if it's even marginally low.
posted by jamjam at 11:15 AM on April 1 [2 favorites]

Even if it feels bad in the physical sense (I tend to get headaches and nausea, for example) - I'd still never say I "hate" crying, because it is a relief from stress.

I HATE the physical impact of crying--my eyes and face react very strongly to it, and it's as uncomfortable for me as a severe allergy attack.

I have a number of different strategies to minimize the impact of crying (bathing my face in cold water while I cry, or holding a cold damp washcloth to my face while crying, or putting an icy compress on my eyes right afterward), but I think it would be pretty difficult to implement these during sex, or right after.

So I don't know if this is a psychological issue or a physiological issue, but I think following jamjam's suggestion and ruling out any physiological causes that can be remedied first is the move.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:49 AM on April 1 [1 favorite]

Have you considered trying to regulate your breathing during sex? Some people find it is possible to stop (or even keep from starting when they feel it coming on) by breathing deeply, sometimes picking a random "mantra" and repeating it with each breath. I wish I had a more practical suggestion.
posted by pearl228 at 2:53 PM on April 1

I can't imagine what that is like, but maybe immediately start doing something after you orgasm? You said it's about a minute after the orgasm when you start crying, so maybe in those 60 seconds, get up and stretch (have the bf do the same, to keep you company), or sing a song or get up and put on music, or go brush your teeth, or have a snack, or have the bf tickle you or anything to keep you occupied immediately afterwards. Sorry if this suggestion is stupid, but it's worth a try if you haven't yet.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 4:11 PM on April 1

Can you cry without sobbing? Crying use to make me feel stuffed up and feel miserable. I found if I didn't sob or breath through my mouth, no stuffy sinuses. It might look a little weird but it feels so much better.
posted by stray thoughts at 10:42 PM on April 1