How can I come to grips with my persistent desire to move?
March 16, 2009 8:28 AM Subscribe
How can I come to grips with my persistent desire to move?
I’ve lived in Baltimore for nearly ten years. I’d like to move to a smaller, warmer city, ideally Durham, NC, where my wife and I attended college and first met. She does not want to move and has an objectively compelling argument for wanting to stay. I cannot seem to set aside my dissatisfaction with living here, and I’d like your advice on how to deal constructively with this urge.
With apologies for the length of the post, here is the situation:
My wife really, really likes living here. She likes the size of the city. She likes her job, which is in a quasi-academic field and has low pay but good benefits and what should be a better-than-average ability to withstand the recession. She likes our neighborhood elementary school, as does our child who currently attends that school. She likes the day care for our younger child. She likes being within 30-60 minutes of her mother and my parents. She likes our church. She likes no longer living in the southern U.S. after having lived there her whole life through college. She even likes the crab cakes.
My dissatisfaction stems from my persistent and growing dislike for Baltimore. Simply put, I’m tired of living here and tired of reading about, and trying to grapple with, with the city’s problems on a daily basis. The drugs, the crime, the poverty, the schools, the bleak winters, the large size of the city (for this guy who grew up in a small town)… the negatives have built to the point that I simply do not want to live here any longer. I can't turn a blind eye to the many problems here, and the intractability of the social issues coupled with my dislike for living in the city itself is wearing heavily on me.
I don’t like to complain without making a good-faith effort to make a difference, and I’ve therefore gotten involved in efforts through my neighborhood association, church and employer to improve matters in the city. Our church is part of a network of churches that support homeless families, for example, and I’ve volunteered to help with that effort. There are also things about living in Baltimore that I do like, particularly the museums and the libraries. Despite my best efforts to stay involved, to volunteer and to do what I can in general to be a good citizen, I find myself depressed by the scope of the city’s problems and increasingly feeling trapped in a place I do not like.
Durham appeals to me for its familiarity, our good friends of long-standing who are in the Triangle area, its better weather, its smaller size, its relatively liberal culture (in the context of the South), the proximity of the large universities in the Triangle, its cultural opportunities, and, last but not least, its cheaper housing. I just feel that life there would be easier than it is here. Our commutes would likely be shorter, our mortgage cheaper, the pace of life slower, and I have every confidence that we could move to a high-quality school district for our kids.
I’d like to think I’m pretty realistic, and I wouldn’t expect to move right away (given the economy), or expect Durham to be perfect. On balance, though, I think I, personally, would be happier there. I suspect it would be a good move for my wife and kids, too, although it’s always tricky to weigh the pros and cons of a decision like this, when we can project into the future much more easily the pros and cons of a place that we know well versus one we don’t know as well. I’m not wedded to Durham, in particular, but it does seem to have much of what I would like.
Housing is another issue - an ancillary issue to larger one, but still a concern. We live in a house in what is considered a very desirable inner-ring suburb, one that is mere blocks from the city line. We bought a now-80-year-old house about eight years ago and a primary consideration was the school district, even though we bought before we had kids.
Our neighborhood may be considered prestigious, but that means little to me. I look at our house and see an attractive house from the exterior, but one that lacks a lot of amenities. We’re planning to remodel the basement and install central air conditioning, and the cost of doing so, while large and nerve-wracking in this current economy, isn’t the main objection for me; it’s the fact that we’ll be spending big bucks to fix up a house I’m not wild about, in a city that I don’t like.
I’m deeply troubled by my inability to discuss this desire to leave Baltimore with my wife in any rational way. Her response tends to be along the lines of, “I really like it here, so why move?” That sort of response trivializes my very real concerns about living here and doesn’t leave much room for a discussion. On the other hand, she's been abundantly clear about her feelings on the matter, and it seems rude and perhaps even disrespectful of me to keep bringing up the subject.
I’m also troubled by what, from my perspective, looks like a perfectly rational desire to move, but which, on the other hand, looks to my wife (and sometimes to me) like an escape into fantasy or a retreat from confronting the realities of daily life. I’m a reasonably competent person. I’ve changed jobs when appropriate, and each new job has suited me better than the one before. I’ve run a marathon, obtained professional certifications, and achieved other things by setting goals and working hard. I try to be active in my community. I've tried pretty hard to make a go of it here. And yet, I have an unrequited desire to leave Baltimore.
Trying to look at this objectively, I have:
- a spouse who adamantly does not want to move;
- nearby parents;
- a house, notwithstanding its shortcomings, in an area that has retained property values and which is in a good school system;
- happy, healthy children;
- a church I like; and
- a job and co-workers that, generally speaking, I like (though not to the same extent as my wife).
There are many times I feel ashamed or selfish to even think of moving and that I should count my blessings and make my peace with living here. While there are times that I can suppress my feelings to some degree, though, my growing dislike for living here always seems to re-surface sooner or later.
If anyone’s made the move I’ve been contemplating, I’d be interested in your specific thoughts. I’m more interested, however, in anyone’s advice regarding how I should proceed from here. Should I suck it up and keep trying to focus on the things I do like about living here? Should I consider therapy, either alone or with my wife? Does this persistent, constant desire to move strike you as normal, or as unhealthy and counterproductive? I’m amenable to any and all evaluations of my situation and suggestions as to how I can deal with this situation. Throwaway e-mail for anyone who’d prefer not to post: stuckinbaltimore@gmail.com.
I’ve lived in Baltimore for nearly ten years. I’d like to move to a smaller, warmer city, ideally Durham, NC, where my wife and I attended college and first met. She does not want to move and has an objectively compelling argument for wanting to stay. I cannot seem to set aside my dissatisfaction with living here, and I’d like your advice on how to deal constructively with this urge.
With apologies for the length of the post, here is the situation:
My wife really, really likes living here. She likes the size of the city. She likes her job, which is in a quasi-academic field and has low pay but good benefits and what should be a better-than-average ability to withstand the recession. She likes our neighborhood elementary school, as does our child who currently attends that school. She likes the day care for our younger child. She likes being within 30-60 minutes of her mother and my parents. She likes our church. She likes no longer living in the southern U.S. after having lived there her whole life through college. She even likes the crab cakes.
My dissatisfaction stems from my persistent and growing dislike for Baltimore. Simply put, I’m tired of living here and tired of reading about, and trying to grapple with, with the city’s problems on a daily basis. The drugs, the crime, the poverty, the schools, the bleak winters, the large size of the city (for this guy who grew up in a small town)… the negatives have built to the point that I simply do not want to live here any longer. I can't turn a blind eye to the many problems here, and the intractability of the social issues coupled with my dislike for living in the city itself is wearing heavily on me.
I don’t like to complain without making a good-faith effort to make a difference, and I’ve therefore gotten involved in efforts through my neighborhood association, church and employer to improve matters in the city. Our church is part of a network of churches that support homeless families, for example, and I’ve volunteered to help with that effort. There are also things about living in Baltimore that I do like, particularly the museums and the libraries. Despite my best efforts to stay involved, to volunteer and to do what I can in general to be a good citizen, I find myself depressed by the scope of the city’s problems and increasingly feeling trapped in a place I do not like.
Durham appeals to me for its familiarity, our good friends of long-standing who are in the Triangle area, its better weather, its smaller size, its relatively liberal culture (in the context of the South), the proximity of the large universities in the Triangle, its cultural opportunities, and, last but not least, its cheaper housing. I just feel that life there would be easier than it is here. Our commutes would likely be shorter, our mortgage cheaper, the pace of life slower, and I have every confidence that we could move to a high-quality school district for our kids.
I’d like to think I’m pretty realistic, and I wouldn’t expect to move right away (given the economy), or expect Durham to be perfect. On balance, though, I think I, personally, would be happier there. I suspect it would be a good move for my wife and kids, too, although it’s always tricky to weigh the pros and cons of a decision like this, when we can project into the future much more easily the pros and cons of a place that we know well versus one we don’t know as well. I’m not wedded to Durham, in particular, but it does seem to have much of what I would like.
Housing is another issue - an ancillary issue to larger one, but still a concern. We live in a house in what is considered a very desirable inner-ring suburb, one that is mere blocks from the city line. We bought a now-80-year-old house about eight years ago and a primary consideration was the school district, even though we bought before we had kids.
Our neighborhood may be considered prestigious, but that means little to me. I look at our house and see an attractive house from the exterior, but one that lacks a lot of amenities. We’re planning to remodel the basement and install central air conditioning, and the cost of doing so, while large and nerve-wracking in this current economy, isn’t the main objection for me; it’s the fact that we’ll be spending big bucks to fix up a house I’m not wild about, in a city that I don’t like.
I’m deeply troubled by my inability to discuss this desire to leave Baltimore with my wife in any rational way. Her response tends to be along the lines of, “I really like it here, so why move?” That sort of response trivializes my very real concerns about living here and doesn’t leave much room for a discussion. On the other hand, she's been abundantly clear about her feelings on the matter, and it seems rude and perhaps even disrespectful of me to keep bringing up the subject.
I’m also troubled by what, from my perspective, looks like a perfectly rational desire to move, but which, on the other hand, looks to my wife (and sometimes to me) like an escape into fantasy or a retreat from confronting the realities of daily life. I’m a reasonably competent person. I’ve changed jobs when appropriate, and each new job has suited me better than the one before. I’ve run a marathon, obtained professional certifications, and achieved other things by setting goals and working hard. I try to be active in my community. I've tried pretty hard to make a go of it here. And yet, I have an unrequited desire to leave Baltimore.
Trying to look at this objectively, I have:
- a spouse who adamantly does not want to move;
- nearby parents;
- a house, notwithstanding its shortcomings, in an area that has retained property values and which is in a good school system;
- happy, healthy children;
- a church I like; and
- a job and co-workers that, generally speaking, I like (though not to the same extent as my wife).
There are many times I feel ashamed or selfish to even think of moving and that I should count my blessings and make my peace with living here. While there are times that I can suppress my feelings to some degree, though, my growing dislike for living here always seems to re-surface sooner or later.
If anyone’s made the move I’ve been contemplating, I’d be interested in your specific thoughts. I’m more interested, however, in anyone’s advice regarding how I should proceed from here. Should I suck it up and keep trying to focus on the things I do like about living here? Should I consider therapy, either alone or with my wife? Does this persistent, constant desire to move strike you as normal, or as unhealthy and counterproductive? I’m amenable to any and all evaluations of my situation and suggestions as to how I can deal with this situation. Throwaway e-mail for anyone who’d prefer not to post: stuckinbaltimore@gmail.com.
Simply put, I’m tired of living here and tired of reading about, and trying to grapple with, with the city’s problems on a daily basis. The drugs, the crime, the poverty, the schools, the bleak winters,
Bleak winters aside, doesn't Durham have these same problems, only on a smaller scale? I think you may be seeing the city of your fantasies with rose-colored glasses, for what it's worth.
posted by Airhen at 8:47 AM on March 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
Bleak winters aside, doesn't Durham have these same problems, only on a smaller scale? I think you may be seeing the city of your fantasies with rose-colored glasses, for what it's worth.
posted by Airhen at 8:47 AM on March 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
FWIW, Durham's weather is not a ton better than Baltimore's.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:50 AM on March 16, 2009
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:50 AM on March 16, 2009
Roomthreeseventeen, I went to school in Chapel Hill and spent five years in Baltimore, and I totally agree. I think in Durham, you miss out on some of the periods of sustained cold you can get in the Mid-Atlantic, but it's not even as different as, say, Baltimore and New York are.
posted by Airhen at 8:53 AM on March 16, 2009
posted by Airhen at 8:53 AM on March 16, 2009
"How can I come to grips"
Have a happy wife, have a happy life. Focus on that.
posted by notned at 8:55 AM on March 16, 2009
Have a happy wife, have a happy life. Focus on that.
posted by notned at 8:55 AM on March 16, 2009
Maybe you guys need to have a broader discussion about your life goals and hopes and that would include where you see yourself living in the long term. I mean, does it have to be Durham or is there another town that would be more appealing to *both* of you? I think that should be on the table.
I don't think it's abnormal in any way to have a strong opinion about where you live. But, just because it's normal doesn't mean that you and your wife will magically see eye to eye on this. Try to take some steps back and view the problem in a broader context. You have to involve your wife in this discussion and come to some consensus.
I was raised a military brat and (though it happens less frequently now) I often get the itch to move. But putting my spouse through a move just to satisfy an itch really isn't fair. You've got to be moving towards something not just away. At least growing up my peripatetic family life had a mission -- my Dad's job. It's awfully hard to make the case, "just because." And if that's what you decide you may get some strong and justified resentment either immediately or down the road.
Roots are a funny thing. You feel yours are elsewhere. Just try to tackle the issue without dragging a lot of guilt and baggage into it. That's not fair to you or your wife.
posted by amanda at 8:56 AM on March 16, 2009
I don't think it's abnormal in any way to have a strong opinion about where you live. But, just because it's normal doesn't mean that you and your wife will magically see eye to eye on this. Try to take some steps back and view the problem in a broader context. You have to involve your wife in this discussion and come to some consensus.
I was raised a military brat and (though it happens less frequently now) I often get the itch to move. But putting my spouse through a move just to satisfy an itch really isn't fair. You've got to be moving towards something not just away. At least growing up my peripatetic family life had a mission -- my Dad's job. It's awfully hard to make the case, "just because." And if that's what you decide you may get some strong and justified resentment either immediately or down the road.
Roots are a funny thing. You feel yours are elsewhere. Just try to tackle the issue without dragging a lot of guilt and baggage into it. That's not fair to you or your wife.
posted by amanda at 8:56 AM on March 16, 2009
Would the knowledge that you had the means and opportunity to escape occasionally help?
Tell your wife that, while you recognize that she and the kids feel at home in Baltimore, aspects of the city weigh heavily on you. You don't want to uproot everyone, but you need a compromise in order sustain a sense of well-being.
Then start saving up for a small cabin in a rural or semi-wilderness area within a few hours drive to which you can retreat on the odd weekend. Just knowing that the place exists (or will exist) and you can go there when you need to will probably help. This assumes that there is any such suitable place within a short drive of Baltimore.
posted by rocketpup at 8:59 AM on March 16, 2009
Tell your wife that, while you recognize that she and the kids feel at home in Baltimore, aspects of the city weigh heavily on you. You don't want to uproot everyone, but you need a compromise in order sustain a sense of well-being.
Then start saving up for a small cabin in a rural or semi-wilderness area within a few hours drive to which you can retreat on the odd weekend. Just knowing that the place exists (or will exist) and you can go there when you need to will probably help. This assumes that there is any such suitable place within a short drive of Baltimore.
posted by rocketpup at 8:59 AM on March 16, 2009
There's an old (new?) adage I like, which is "If you put an asshole in a box in Boston and send it to California, you end up with an asshole in California."
Or, "wherever you go, there you are." Or, "bloom where you're planted." "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with," etc.
I'm from Durham, myself. As nostalgic as I get for it now, back when I was there I was desperate to leave. I remember talking to a teacher the summer before I left town for college, and I kept talking about how eager I was for a change of scenery and to get away from all the jerks in Durham.
His succinct and prescient response, which I will always remember: "Metroid Baby, there are jerks everywhere."
He was right. I hated my new place more than my old one.
Every time I come back to Durham, I get excited at first and then I have to clean my mom's kitchen or something, or there's nowhere to go except the mall, the newspaper sucks, and I get pissed that there aren't any sidewalks. (And yeah, it's kinda crimey. And yes, there are rednecks. And oy, the sprawl.) It's kind of like getting back with an ex: seductive and exciting at first, then you rediscover all the things that made you leave in the first place. And this isn't Durham-specific - it's really the same with any city.
On the one hand, I believe that certain people do better in certain places, and sometimes moving can really make a difference. But on the other hand, it's not a surefire problem-solver. What if it isn't?
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:00 AM on March 16, 2009 [5 favorites]
Or, "wherever you go, there you are." Or, "bloom where you're planted." "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with," etc.
I'm from Durham, myself. As nostalgic as I get for it now, back when I was there I was desperate to leave. I remember talking to a teacher the summer before I left town for college, and I kept talking about how eager I was for a change of scenery and to get away from all the jerks in Durham.
His succinct and prescient response, which I will always remember: "Metroid Baby, there are jerks everywhere."
He was right. I hated my new place more than my old one.
Every time I come back to Durham, I get excited at first and then I have to clean my mom's kitchen or something, or there's nowhere to go except the mall, the newspaper sucks, and I get pissed that there aren't any sidewalks. (And yeah, it's kinda crimey. And yes, there are rednecks. And oy, the sprawl.) It's kind of like getting back with an ex: seductive and exciting at first, then you rediscover all the things that made you leave in the first place. And this isn't Durham-specific - it's really the same with any city.
On the one hand, I believe that certain people do better in certain places, and sometimes moving can really make a difference. But on the other hand, it's not a surefire problem-solver. What if it isn't?
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:00 AM on March 16, 2009 [5 favorites]
I think you're at a total impasse. She really, really doesn't want to move, and inertia and a settled life and a STABLE JOB and family nearby and, well...that's probably going to top you. Sorry. That's the joys of marriage for you, one no equals no for both of you. And since it sounds like everything else is good except for how you feel, well... if I were your wife, I'd probably tell you to suck it up and deal.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:09 AM on March 16, 2009
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:09 AM on March 16, 2009
It sounds like you're letting the problems of a great many other people weigh on you very heavily, since the situation of your own family sounds very secure and desirable. Which is noble and empathetic of you, but it seems like it's crushing the hell out of your spirit.
If you walk away from Baltimore and all its problems, to a place you perceive as having fewer problems, will you feel better? Or will you feel worse because you know that Baltimore's problems still exist and are now a tiny bit worse because you're not there helping with them? I can't help but think based on the kind of personal responsibility and guilt you've mentioned in your post that you might feel worse walking away from those problems than you do staying put, even if you're tilting at windmills where you are.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:13 AM on March 16, 2009
If you walk away from Baltimore and all its problems, to a place you perceive as having fewer problems, will you feel better? Or will you feel worse because you know that Baltimore's problems still exist and are now a tiny bit worse because you're not there helping with them? I can't help but think based on the kind of personal responsibility and guilt you've mentioned in your post that you might feel worse walking away from those problems than you do staying put, even if you're tilting at windmills where you are.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:13 AM on March 16, 2009
I left Baltimore city - near Patterson Park, to be specific - and moved to Asheville nine years ago. First off, I think you're totally fooling yourself if you think housing is cheaper in North Carolina than it is in Baltimore. I have really emphatically not found that to be the case. The weather, as others have said, is also about the same. It's probably hotter in Durham than it is up here in the mountains which means, I would think, that you're getting all the glories of a Baltimore July (yeeeargh!) without the occasional snow day in winter.
I don't know Durham very well but my image of it is as a sprawling suburban area without much in the way of a center city. That brings its own set of problems, most particularly transportation and with two school age kids, I bet you could find yourselves living in the car, which is not a whole lot of fun. Asheville is a lot more compact, so I didn't have that kind of culture shock. But you might want to think long and hard about that trade off. My experience has been that kids thrive in neighborhoods where they can actually get out and around and to their friends' houses on their own. If you're living, as I suspect you are, somewhere like Rogers Forge, then you've got that covered and you may not be able to find it in Durham.
However. I don't miss Baltimore at all. I got tired of chaining my porch furniture down and replacing my slashed tires and being afraid to watch the fireworks on New Years for fear of random bullets. I love where I live now and I don't ever want to move again. There are certain things I miss about Baltimore, yes - the museums, the culture, Cross Street Market, the Polish Festival in Patterson Park, Sowebo, a plethora of amazing ethnic food (oh, how I miss the food sometimes) and, of course, my friends, but I visit them and they visit me. I think the NC schools are frankly better than the MD schools, and my kids were in Baltimore County schools too so I'm not comparing City or anything. All in all it's been a very positive move for us although I must point out that my teenage son now thinks Baltimore is the coolest place in the universe and Asheville is a horrible boring prison-like musty backwater.
So that's my very personal take on the two places. YMMV. I also feel that you need to approach your wife by selling Durham rather than slanging Baltimore and also, you know, moving away from your families can be a big problem. I moved away from my Southern family to go to Baltimore and moved back when my father passed away and my mother needed help. Being near her in the last years of her life was something I would not trade for anything. Parents age. Take that into consideration. If you still really want to move, what about Ellicott City or Annapolis or something like that? Compromise, maybe, is possible and then you can both be happy. Try not to get yourself into that obsessed "I cannot ever be happy anywhere but Durham" mindset, because then you are headed for trouble.
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:17 AM on March 16, 2009
I don't know Durham very well but my image of it is as a sprawling suburban area without much in the way of a center city. That brings its own set of problems, most particularly transportation and with two school age kids, I bet you could find yourselves living in the car, which is not a whole lot of fun. Asheville is a lot more compact, so I didn't have that kind of culture shock. But you might want to think long and hard about that trade off. My experience has been that kids thrive in neighborhoods where they can actually get out and around and to their friends' houses on their own. If you're living, as I suspect you are, somewhere like Rogers Forge, then you've got that covered and you may not be able to find it in Durham.
However. I don't miss Baltimore at all. I got tired of chaining my porch furniture down and replacing my slashed tires and being afraid to watch the fireworks on New Years for fear of random bullets. I love where I live now and I don't ever want to move again. There are certain things I miss about Baltimore, yes - the museums, the culture, Cross Street Market, the Polish Festival in Patterson Park, Sowebo, a plethora of amazing ethnic food (oh, how I miss the food sometimes) and, of course, my friends, but I visit them and they visit me. I think the NC schools are frankly better than the MD schools, and my kids were in Baltimore County schools too so I'm not comparing City or anything. All in all it's been a very positive move for us although I must point out that my teenage son now thinks Baltimore is the coolest place in the universe and Asheville is a horrible boring prison-like musty backwater.
So that's my very personal take on the two places. YMMV. I also feel that you need to approach your wife by selling Durham rather than slanging Baltimore and also, you know, moving away from your families can be a big problem. I moved away from my Southern family to go to Baltimore and moved back when my father passed away and my mother needed help. Being near her in the last years of her life was something I would not trade for anything. Parents age. Take that into consideration. If you still really want to move, what about Ellicott City or Annapolis or something like that? Compromise, maybe, is possible and then you can both be happy. Try not to get yourself into that obsessed "I cannot ever be happy anywhere but Durham" mindset, because then you are headed for trouble.
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:17 AM on March 16, 2009
I find myself depressed by the scope of the city’s problems and increasingly feeling trapped in a place I do not like
This sets off my warning bells. Depression, and feeling trapped are completely unrelated to residence. These are ways you feel and are signs of something that need to be addressed. People should move because they want to see a new place, or have a happy adventure, or a job, or ??? Moving to run away from feelings never works, you'll just drag them along and feel the same way in the new city after a few months. Nothing is solved, and you have uprooted everyone for naught. Get yourself straight, where you can say you are happy, then revisit the decision. Like others have said, there are problems everywhere, you can't run away from them.
posted by jester69 at 9:24 AM on March 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
This sets off my warning bells. Depression, and feeling trapped are completely unrelated to residence. These are ways you feel and are signs of something that need to be addressed. People should move because they want to see a new place, or have a happy adventure, or a job, or ??? Moving to run away from feelings never works, you'll just drag them along and feel the same way in the new city after a few months. Nothing is solved, and you have uprooted everyone for naught. Get yourself straight, where you can say you are happy, then revisit the decision. Like others have said, there are problems everywhere, you can't run away from them.
posted by jester69 at 9:24 AM on March 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
Oh and let me just add that working in NC and working in MD are two totally different things in terms of benefits. It was an eye opener and not in a good way when I got down here and realized that all that stuff I took for granted - holidays, personal days, vacation time - is a lot LOT less common here. I went from 4 weeks vacation and 12 holidays and 3 personal days and fully paid health insurance to 1 week vacation, 8 holidays, no personal days and paying over half of my health insurance out of pocket. I'm sadly not alone in this discovery. North Carolina is a Right to Work state - right to work for less, we used to quip, and there's a lot of truth to that as well.
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:24 AM on March 16, 2009
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:24 AM on March 16, 2009
Rocketpup has a great idea. What if you could find a cheap place that you could escape to with your kids or alone frequently through the year? A home away from home. Seems like a great compromise.
posted by milarepa at 9:27 AM on March 16, 2009
posted by milarepa at 9:27 AM on March 16, 2009
I’m ... tired of reading about, and trying to grapple with, with the city’s problems on a daily basis.
Is this maybe a large part of the problem? If the negatives of Baltimore are not affecting you directly (and it sounds like they are not), why not spend less time dwelling on those problems. I know that is easier said than done, especially if you want to be a contributing member of your community.
As a start, I would suggest consuming less local media. The TV news should be right out, as well as local papers and radio. Stick to national media or media from other sities (heck, reading the Durham paper's website might take a bit of the gilding off the lily, even).
If you want to volunteer, choose opportunities that are more positive -- volunteering at your child's school, at a local library, or for a historical society might be more glass-half-full choices.
I also echo amanda's comment about setting up some long-range life goals. Would it help if you and your wife talked about (and did some planning towards) moving to Durham once the kids are out of school? If you look at it in that frame, your home upgrades are simply adding to your house's resale value so you can buy a nicer house once you do move.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:27 AM on March 16, 2009
Is this maybe a large part of the problem? If the negatives of Baltimore are not affecting you directly (and it sounds like they are not), why not spend less time dwelling on those problems. I know that is easier said than done, especially if you want to be a contributing member of your community.
As a start, I would suggest consuming less local media. The TV news should be right out, as well as local papers and radio. Stick to national media or media from other sities (heck, reading the Durham paper's website might take a bit of the gilding off the lily, even).
If you want to volunteer, choose opportunities that are more positive -- volunteering at your child's school, at a local library, or for a historical society might be more glass-half-full choices.
I also echo amanda's comment about setting up some long-range life goals. Would it help if you and your wife talked about (and did some planning towards) moving to Durham once the kids are out of school? If you look at it in that frame, your home upgrades are simply adding to your house's resale value so you can buy a nicer house once you do move.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:27 AM on March 16, 2009
I'm glad you asked this question anonymously, because I could not give the answer I want to give if you were in your regular persona.
Is there any chance you are uncomfortable with the blackness of Baltimore?
According to the 2007 American Community Survey, the city's population was 32.4% White (30.4% non-Hispanic-White alone), 64.6% Black or African American, 0.8% American Indian and Alaska Native, 2.2% Asian, 0.1% Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander, 1.4% from some other race and 1.3% from two or more races. 2.4% of the total population were Hispanic or Latino of any race.
If there is, I think you should go to an open minded therapist and explore that issue, and stay in Baltimore.
I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of, either (not that I think my opinion matters especially). I lived for years in predominately black areas of Seattle (I'm white), and got along very well with my neighbors, but the issue of race was never completely absent from those relationships on either side. It's just part of our heritage.
posted by jamjam at 9:32 AM on March 16, 2009
Is there any chance you are uncomfortable with the blackness of Baltimore?
According to the 2007 American Community Survey, the city's population was 32.4% White (30.4% non-Hispanic-White alone), 64.6% Black or African American, 0.8% American Indian and Alaska Native, 2.2% Asian, 0.1% Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander, 1.4% from some other race and 1.3% from two or more races. 2.4% of the total population were Hispanic or Latino of any race.
If there is, I think you should go to an open minded therapist and explore that issue, and stay in Baltimore.
I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of, either (not that I think my opinion matters especially). I lived for years in predominately black areas of Seattle (I'm white), and got along very well with my neighbors, but the issue of race was never completely absent from those relationships on either side. It's just part of our heritage.
posted by jamjam at 9:32 AM on March 16, 2009
I know Durham pretty well, and would be glad to move there actually, but I think you'll find it has many of the same problems as Baltimore. You may find you are not very excited about the schools in Durham (my friends with kids there say: good elementary and high schools, not so great middle schools). Do you know the school board meetings in Durham have been occasionally violent in the past few years? It's not paradise. And Chapel Hill, which has the reputation for the good schools, is much more expensive. And if you live in Durham but work in Raleigh (for example), you'll have a sucky commute both ways.
I wonder if what you are really longing for is the life you had in college rather than Durham itself. Is this mid-life crisis-y?
posted by bluedaisy at 9:39 AM on March 16, 2009
I wonder if what you are really longing for is the life you had in college rather than Durham itself. Is this mid-life crisis-y?
posted by bluedaisy at 9:39 AM on March 16, 2009
As a fellow Baltimorean, I can definitely relate to this question. Can't we all?
Since I'm in school here, I have a definite end-point in the future, which may make things a bit easier. But I also came from a beautiful small town (no stop lights!) with no crime.
One thing that has been seriously unhelpful to me is the almost fetishization of how "bad" Baltimore is. If you read The Sun, or City Paper, or baltimorecrime, or even watch The Wire, you're going to be immersed in it all the time. Yes, there are parts of the city where I would not ever, ever, go. Yes, I have myself been a victim of a (relatively minor, but scary) crime. But most of the sensational stuff is so far removed from our 'hoods [I'm guessing you live nearish to Charles Village] that it doesn't make sense to focus on. Objectively, most citizens of Baltimore will never be victims of a major crime.
In a lovely answer to a FPP a while back, _sirmissalot_ said this about Baltimore:
"Baltimore is a city that will break your heart. Although I recently moved away, I lived there for many years and always felt there was something gloriously beautiful and tragic about the place. It’s like one huge dysfunctional family living in a broken-down palace. You feel like you belong. I survived muggings, break-ins, transvestite prostitutes and drug dealers taking over my Mount Vernon block, even shootings on my doorstep—and never wanted to leave. Eventually I had to."
Baltimore is, if nothing else, a city with tremendous character and heart. There are amazing resources here that are not available anywhere else; the aquarium, the science center, Hopkins and its assorted arms, the BMA, the Walters, Peabody... I could go on and on. Yes, it's more difficult to maneuver around a city where you're always having to watch your back, but maybe it's worth it to preserve your family's stability?
Try a news diet, combined with some nice "Baltimore-only" experiences. It's getting to be spring, even though that lovely stretch of weather last week was a total mind-fuck, please pardon my French. Take your kids to the Tulip Garden. Wander around Spring Fair and go on all the rides twice. Have a picnic on Federal Hill. Maybe this is my senior nostalgia kicking in, but there are things that I will miss about living here. A lot.
posted by charmcityblues at 9:46 AM on March 16, 2009
Since I'm in school here, I have a definite end-point in the future, which may make things a bit easier. But I also came from a beautiful small town (no stop lights!) with no crime.
One thing that has been seriously unhelpful to me is the almost fetishization of how "bad" Baltimore is. If you read The Sun, or City Paper, or baltimorecrime, or even watch The Wire, you're going to be immersed in it all the time. Yes, there are parts of the city where I would not ever, ever, go. Yes, I have myself been a victim of a (relatively minor, but scary) crime. But most of the sensational stuff is so far removed from our 'hoods [I'm guessing you live nearish to Charles Village] that it doesn't make sense to focus on. Objectively, most citizens of Baltimore will never be victims of a major crime.
In a lovely answer to a FPP a while back, _sirmissalot_ said this about Baltimore:
"Baltimore is a city that will break your heart. Although I recently moved away, I lived there for many years and always felt there was something gloriously beautiful and tragic about the place. It’s like one huge dysfunctional family living in a broken-down palace. You feel like you belong. I survived muggings, break-ins, transvestite prostitutes and drug dealers taking over my Mount Vernon block, even shootings on my doorstep—and never wanted to leave. Eventually I had to."
Baltimore is, if nothing else, a city with tremendous character and heart. There are amazing resources here that are not available anywhere else; the aquarium, the science center, Hopkins and its assorted arms, the BMA, the Walters, Peabody... I could go on and on. Yes, it's more difficult to maneuver around a city where you're always having to watch your back, but maybe it's worth it to preserve your family's stability?
Try a news diet, combined with some nice "Baltimore-only" experiences. It's getting to be spring, even though that lovely stretch of weather last week was a total mind-fuck, please pardon my French. Take your kids to the Tulip Garden. Wander around Spring Fair and go on all the rides twice. Have a picnic on Federal Hill. Maybe this is my senior nostalgia kicking in, but there are things that I will miss about living here. A lot.
posted by charmcityblues at 9:46 AM on March 16, 2009
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
I live in MD and have been wanting to move to Austin, Dallas, and some other places to the point where I think about it everyday for the past year. I've even taken weeks to visit said locations where I house hunt for 5 hours a day.
I think when it comes down to it though I'm probably not going to move just because things are what you make of them where ever you are.
The location change isn't going to bring you happiness especially if it's something your wife doesn't want. She seems pretty unwavering in her thoughts on moving so I guess your suck-it-up or therapy ideas sound pretty good.
I just like the thought of change and mixing things up in what seems to be a very SOSDD scenario. Maybe you're in a similar boat without knowing it? Maybe not?
Did you move a lot as a kid? That may have something to do with it too. I had major moves every few years until I got my own place at 19-20. I think that has some part in my desire to keep going.
posted by zephyr_words at 9:51 AM on March 16, 2009
I live in MD and have been wanting to move to Austin, Dallas, and some other places to the point where I think about it everyday for the past year. I've even taken weeks to visit said locations where I house hunt for 5 hours a day.
I think when it comes down to it though I'm probably not going to move just because things are what you make of them where ever you are.
The location change isn't going to bring you happiness especially if it's something your wife doesn't want. She seems pretty unwavering in her thoughts on moving so I guess your suck-it-up or therapy ideas sound pretty good.
I just like the thought of change and mixing things up in what seems to be a very SOSDD scenario. Maybe you're in a similar boat without knowing it? Maybe not?
Did you move a lot as a kid? That may have something to do with it too. I had major moves every few years until I got my own place at 19-20. I think that has some part in my desire to keep going.
posted by zephyr_words at 9:51 AM on March 16, 2009
I don't have time to comment on the actual question of how to deal with the desire to move, or talk to your wife. But for the folks here who haven't lived in Durham in 5 or more years, or have never lived here, or come back to visit parents and have no idea about the current scene, please don't try to extrapolate what you know. There is an awesome, vibrant, energetic, community here. It's not the same place it was 10 years ago, and it's certainly not the same place it is in the local papers.
I do wonder if you're experiencing a mid-life thing, rather than strictly a conversation about moving vs. staying, Baltimore vs. Durham. You really need to find a way to actually TALK with your wife about it - explain that you're serious, you know she's serious, but you'd like to talk out the differences and try to figure out what's going on.
In general it sounds like you're looking to be excited by life again -- god knows we've all been there. You have a house with expensive repairs, so you work at home, work at work, parents nearby, kids in school, crime everywhere, etc. But your engagements with those are just making MORE work for yourself - fixing the house, getting involved in the nitty gritty details of helping the homeless, dealing with the kids' schedules, worries about the economy.
What is your joy?
At the same time, Durham can be an awesome place to live -- there are tons of previous threads on the very same topic. Good luck.
posted by barnone at 10:22 AM on March 16, 2009
I do wonder if you're experiencing a mid-life thing, rather than strictly a conversation about moving vs. staying, Baltimore vs. Durham. You really need to find a way to actually TALK with your wife about it - explain that you're serious, you know she's serious, but you'd like to talk out the differences and try to figure out what's going on.
In general it sounds like you're looking to be excited by life again -- god knows we've all been there. You have a house with expensive repairs, so you work at home, work at work, parents nearby, kids in school, crime everywhere, etc. But your engagements with those are just making MORE work for yourself - fixing the house, getting involved in the nitty gritty details of helping the homeless, dealing with the kids' schedules, worries about the economy.
What is your joy?
At the same time, Durham can be an awesome place to live -- there are tons of previous threads on the very same topic. Good luck.
posted by barnone at 10:22 AM on March 16, 2009
As someone who grew up in a smaller town and is now living in NY, I understand some of your desire to move from Baltimore. After spending more than a few weeks in a city without going someplace without buildings and the sound of cars, I get unhappy. I deal with this in NY by going to one of the larger parks - Central Park, Van Cortlandt Park - or taking a walk by the Hudson, or just getting the heck out of town.
When I was growing up, my dad found the area we lived in claustrophobic geographically; he needed longer vistas and a horizon. He and I would pile into the car and head to the tiny local airport so he could get his geographical/topological happiness. I had a friend in high school (a boarding school) who was from Colorado and had the same issues.
Perhaps some form of locational therapy might help.
posted by sciencegeek at 10:27 AM on March 16, 2009
When I was growing up, my dad found the area we lived in claustrophobic geographically; he needed longer vistas and a horizon. He and I would pile into the car and head to the tiny local airport so he could get his geographical/topological happiness. I had a friend in high school (a boarding school) who was from Colorado and had the same issues.
Perhaps some form of locational therapy might help.
posted by sciencegeek at 10:27 AM on March 16, 2009
There is an awesome, vibrant, energetic, community here.
As there is in Baltimore.
posted by Airhen at 10:52 AM on March 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
As there is in Baltimore.
posted by Airhen at 10:52 AM on March 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
jamjam - what a ridiculous question. There's no mention of race whatsoever in the OP, and he wants to move his family to Durham, a city that's 44% black, in North Carolina, a state that's 25% black.
posted by downing street memo at 11:03 AM on March 16, 2009
posted by downing street memo at 11:03 AM on March 16, 2009
Airhen - I wasn't commenting (at all) about Baltimore. I'm sure there is! There is everywhere!
But I was reminding the people who were claiming to know what Durham is like (sprawl, suburban, no center, violent, bad commute, expensive housing, nothing to do) without having any real clue about the city itself. But that's what you'd surmise based on some of the comments here (that may be trying to inject some 'reality' into the poster's fantasy) or the local paper. Neither of which have any real basis on the city or most people's experience of it.
My comment wasn't a referendum on Baltimore or Durham.
posted by barnone at 11:06 AM on March 16, 2009
But I was reminding the people who were claiming to know what Durham is like (sprawl, suburban, no center, violent, bad commute, expensive housing, nothing to do) without having any real clue about the city itself. But that's what you'd surmise based on some of the comments here (that may be trying to inject some 'reality' into the poster's fantasy) or the local paper. Neither of which have any real basis on the city or most people's experience of it.
My comment wasn't a referendum on Baltimore or Durham.
posted by barnone at 11:06 AM on March 16, 2009
But for the folks here who haven't lived in Durham in 5 or more years, or have never lived here, or come back to visit parents and have no idea about the current scene, please don't try to extrapolate what you know.
I don't mean to derail, but I can't help but feel this is aimed at least partly at me. It's true that I don't presently live in Durham and am not active in "the current scene," but I spent over half my life there, many of the people I am closest to live there, and more than any other place in the world I consider it my home. So please forgive me for feeling insulted at the implication that I don't know anything about my hometown (and one of my favorite places in the world).
Anyway, I think the take-away message from the overlap between barnone's comment and mine is that, for the most part, your environment is what you make it.
A related anecdote that might help the OP: one of my best friends has lived in Durham for several years. A few years ago, she was talking quite seriously about moving across the country, although she didn't get around to making concrete plans. Over time, she stopped mentioning it whenever we talked. I finally asked her if she was still planning on moving, and she said "oh, eventually, but my husband and I made some really great new friends and we're doing a lot more here than we were before."
Anonymous, I'm not trying to dissuade you from moving to Durham because of Durham's inherent suckiness - honestly, I adore Durham and would love to move back someday myself. But what I am trying to say is that moving might not be the cure-all you want it to be, and that there might be a solution for your Baltimore burnout a bit closer to home.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:15 AM on March 16, 2009
I don't mean to derail, but I can't help but feel this is aimed at least partly at me. It's true that I don't presently live in Durham and am not active in "the current scene," but I spent over half my life there, many of the people I am closest to live there, and more than any other place in the world I consider it my home. So please forgive me for feeling insulted at the implication that I don't know anything about my hometown (and one of my favorite places in the world).
Anyway, I think the take-away message from the overlap between barnone's comment and mine is that, for the most part, your environment is what you make it.
A related anecdote that might help the OP: one of my best friends has lived in Durham for several years. A few years ago, she was talking quite seriously about moving across the country, although she didn't get around to making concrete plans. Over time, she stopped mentioning it whenever we talked. I finally asked her if she was still planning on moving, and she said "oh, eventually, but my husband and I made some really great new friends and we're doing a lot more here than we were before."
Anonymous, I'm not trying to dissuade you from moving to Durham because of Durham's inherent suckiness - honestly, I adore Durham and would love to move back someday myself. But what I am trying to say is that moving might not be the cure-all you want it to be, and that there might be a solution for your Baltimore burnout a bit closer to home.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:15 AM on March 16, 2009
I think bringing up race is totally fair. The OP probably went to Duke University, which is mostly white, and certainly not heavily black. If that, to him, is Durham, then that's very different from Durham the city.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:17 AM on March 16, 2009
posted by bluedaisy at 11:17 AM on March 16, 2009
Reading charmcityblues' post really resonates - I'm from Baltimore (not currently living there) and have a love-hate relationship with the city, in part because both the love AND the hate are totally romanticized (and exaggerated) in the city's "reputation."
Seconding much of what's been said above -- it sounds like this is an ongoing conversation you should be having with your wife, not a one-stop discussion. Seconding reading different newspapers -- or maybe stopping for a little bit? to get out of the feeling that you're living in an economically depressed, crack-addicted hole (which, incidentally, you're not). For all the bad things that get said about the city, it's also one of THE places to be right now -- especially if you're young, broke, and remotely interested in living somewhere with an off-beat art scene.
But aside from that -- if you want to move but can't, and are dissatisfied with where you are right now, what about switching neighborhoods? I felt trapped when I was living in Baltimore -- and now I live in New York, and still feel trapped often, because when you livein a place long enough you see all its faults really clearly, and create fantasies to make up for them. What about instead of Durham, moving to Mount Vernon? Or Fells Point, or Hampden, and trying a different neighborhood for awhile?
As a kind of stop-gap measure, to see if it's really dissatisfactionw ith the city, or just where you currently happen to be?
posted by puckish at 11:53 AM on March 16, 2009
Seconding much of what's been said above -- it sounds like this is an ongoing conversation you should be having with your wife, not a one-stop discussion. Seconding reading different newspapers -- or maybe stopping for a little bit? to get out of the feeling that you're living in an economically depressed, crack-addicted hole (which, incidentally, you're not). For all the bad things that get said about the city, it's also one of THE places to be right now -- especially if you're young, broke, and remotely interested in living somewhere with an off-beat art scene.
But aside from that -- if you want to move but can't, and are dissatisfied with where you are right now, what about switching neighborhoods? I felt trapped when I was living in Baltimore -- and now I live in New York, and still feel trapped often, because when you livein a place long enough you see all its faults really clearly, and create fantasies to make up for them. What about instead of Durham, moving to Mount Vernon? Or Fells Point, or Hampden, and trying a different neighborhood for awhile?
As a kind of stop-gap measure, to see if it's really dissatisfactionw ith the city, or just where you currently happen to be?
posted by puckish at 11:53 AM on March 16, 2009
One thing that has been seriously unhelpful to me is the almost fetishization of how "bad" Baltimore is.
That's exactly it. While there are lots of serious crimes in Baltimore, they don't happen where you live. If you're in one of the nicer neighborhoods, you'll probably get your GPS stolen, but that's about it. But people love to talk about how bad it is, how someone they know got mugged once, etc etc. I'm not exactly sure where it comes from, but there's a lot of people here that love to talk about how bad everything is, when really they're mostly unaffected by it.
I can completely sympathize with the house thing. The best thing you can do is make a list of the stuff that bothers you the most and start trying to fix those things. You're not just making it more comfortable, you're making it more sellable down the road.
economically depressed,crack-addicted hole
heroin
posted by electroboy at 12:41 PM on March 16, 2009
That's exactly it. While there are lots of serious crimes in Baltimore, they don't happen where you live. If you're in one of the nicer neighborhoods, you'll probably get your GPS stolen, but that's about it. But people love to talk about how bad it is, how someone they know got mugged once, etc etc. I'm not exactly sure where it comes from, but there's a lot of people here that love to talk about how bad everything is, when really they're mostly unaffected by it.
I can completely sympathize with the house thing. The best thing you can do is make a list of the stuff that bothers you the most and start trying to fix those things. You're not just making it more comfortable, you're making it more sellable down the road.
economically depressed,
heroin
posted by electroboy at 12:41 PM on March 16, 2009
For what it's worth, I have this burning desire to move about every 3 years. I mean, where we live is almost idyllic, if you don't mind crazy religious folks and a teen pregnancy rate that is almost obscene. The cost of living is fairly low, the schools are fairly good, the area is pretty safe and crime free.
And yet...I'm forever trying to figure out how to leave. Not even because I have somewhere else to go...just because I've been here long enough, and now I'd like to be somewhere else, please.
Wanderlust. It's a tough thing. What made being nomadic cool in my 20's, hardly makes sense now that I'm a parent with house payments and a minivan, ya know? And yet...Europe calls, Austin calls, Boulder calls, Polynesia calls...I'm just one of those "Let's go somewhere else now" people.
Sometimes, folks like us just have to realize that our memories of places have been colored with "what we want it to be" rather than "what it actually is", and that disrupting the realities of everyone around us, just so we can go chasing the rainbow isn't really fair to the folks that aren't rainbow chasers.
It sucks, but there it is. Sometimes, you just have to be willing to let the rainbow get away.
posted by dejah420 at 1:17 PM on March 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
And yet...I'm forever trying to figure out how to leave. Not even because I have somewhere else to go...just because I've been here long enough, and now I'd like to be somewhere else, please.
Wanderlust. It's a tough thing. What made being nomadic cool in my 20's, hardly makes sense now that I'm a parent with house payments and a minivan, ya know? And yet...Europe calls, Austin calls, Boulder calls, Polynesia calls...I'm just one of those "Let's go somewhere else now" people.
Sometimes, folks like us just have to realize that our memories of places have been colored with "what we want it to be" rather than "what it actually is", and that disrupting the realities of everyone around us, just so we can go chasing the rainbow isn't really fair to the folks that aren't rainbow chasers.
It sucks, but there it is. Sometimes, you just have to be willing to let the rainbow get away.
posted by dejah420 at 1:17 PM on March 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
I too have an inherent wanderlust. It's genetic, I'm sure. But, I am single and responsible to noone but myself, for which I am often grateful. I also experience intense claustraphobia if I can't leave a place easily - it builds up slowly, I start feeling hemmed in by the houses and the people, even the sea, and then suddenly I just have to get out.
If this is you, I don't think that moving is a good idea. I mean, it would make you feel better in the short term, but this will come up again, and then your wife will be seriously pissed! I would suggest:
1. Have an exit plan. Road trips, holidays, a cabin in the woods. Some sort of house exchange thing. Make an excuse to drive out of the city on a regular basis. Maybe plan to take a year off and go on a road trip.
2. Make Baltimore home. Fix your place up so that it feels like home. It may cost some money, but it's better than being constantly annoyed with the place that you live. Get involved in your local community, then ignore the rest of the city, as it sounds like it depresses you. Read world news instead, which is no less depressing, but makes me feel a part of something outside my little world.
3. Talk to your wife about this. She obviously has a different take on these things. She likes where she is, and feels no reason to change them, which is a fairly rational reaction. She probably just doesn't see the problems with the house anymore. But talk it through, in helping her understand, you may better understand it yourself.
Anyway, this may be more me projecting onto your life, so take it with a grain of salt.
posted by kjs4 at 5:02 PM on March 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
If this is you, I don't think that moving is a good idea. I mean, it would make you feel better in the short term, but this will come up again, and then your wife will be seriously pissed! I would suggest:
1. Have an exit plan. Road trips, holidays, a cabin in the woods. Some sort of house exchange thing. Make an excuse to drive out of the city on a regular basis. Maybe plan to take a year off and go on a road trip.
2. Make Baltimore home. Fix your place up so that it feels like home. It may cost some money, but it's better than being constantly annoyed with the place that you live. Get involved in your local community, then ignore the rest of the city, as it sounds like it depresses you. Read world news instead, which is no less depressing, but makes me feel a part of something outside my little world.
3. Talk to your wife about this. She obviously has a different take on these things. She likes where she is, and feels no reason to change them, which is a fairly rational reaction. She probably just doesn't see the problems with the house anymore. But talk it through, in helping her understand, you may better understand it yourself.
Anyway, this may be more me projecting onto your life, so take it with a grain of salt.
posted by kjs4 at 5:02 PM on March 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
I guess I'm the only one here who feels like your wife is being unfair. Just because she is happy and settled there doesn't mean that you should be. YOU don't like it. That's all that's important here, not the crime rate, not the race issues, not the relative cost of living.
If you're not happy, why is that okay with her? Making you happy should be a huge priority in her life.
This does not require that you immediately move. It requires that she take your concerns seriously. Saying "Well, I'M happy" doesn't address your question. YOU are not happy. And your happiness is very important.
There are many possible creative solutions to your problem: you could live there for a month or two by yourself and see if you like it. You could move to a different part of Baltimore or a small town nearby that is more like Durham. You could think about what you like about Durham and try to incorporate that into your life. You could take a long trip (in a cheap place, perhaps) to just think about what is missing from your life, what you love about the idea of Durham. Maybe you are missing college life and would like to have more intellectual experiences. Maybe you miss green trees and parks and would like to get out into nature more. Really care about yourself and think about it.
This is the kind of thing that kills love in marriages: when one person treats the other with disdain. (See John Gottman.) The point of a marriage is that it should make both people's lives better. This is not about Baltimore. This is about being respected, listened to, and accommodated. I think your wife is the one who needs a wake-up call.
posted by metametababe at 6:02 PM on September 12, 2009
If you're not happy, why is that okay with her? Making you happy should be a huge priority in her life.
This does not require that you immediately move. It requires that she take your concerns seriously. Saying "Well, I'M happy" doesn't address your question. YOU are not happy. And your happiness is very important.
There are many possible creative solutions to your problem: you could live there for a month or two by yourself and see if you like it. You could move to a different part of Baltimore or a small town nearby that is more like Durham. You could think about what you like about Durham and try to incorporate that into your life. You could take a long trip (in a cheap place, perhaps) to just think about what is missing from your life, what you love about the idea of Durham. Maybe you are missing college life and would like to have more intellectual experiences. Maybe you miss green trees and parks and would like to get out into nature more. Really care about yourself and think about it.
This is the kind of thing that kills love in marriages: when one person treats the other with disdain. (See John Gottman.) The point of a marriage is that it should make both people's lives better. This is not about Baltimore. This is about being respected, listened to, and accommodated. I think your wife is the one who needs a wake-up call.
posted by metametababe at 6:02 PM on September 12, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
Does this persistent, constant desire to move strike you as normal, or as unhealthy and counterproductive?
I think it's only unhealthy and counterproductive if you really believe there's no chance you can ever move. I think it would be good for you to sit down with your wife, pitch the move to Durham seriously and explain how you think you could both be happy there, and see if you guys can come to some sort of agreement. Maybe that agreement will be "we're not moving until -child- is out of elementary school" or "we're not moving until we both have jobs lined up in Durham" or "we'll talk about this again in a year," but if her current answer is no then get a timeline on when you can revisit the subject. That way you won't have to keep worrying about it in the mean time, wondering if it's the right time to say something, wondering what you should say, driving yourself crazy and driving your relationship apart. If this discussion would be easier with a therapist, go see one together.
And for what it's worth, I don't think this is abnormal. Sometimes people just feel like moving. That's ok.
posted by vytae at 8:40 AM on March 16, 2009