How can I come to grips with my persistent desire to move?
I’ve lived in Baltimore for nearly ten years. I’d like to move to a smaller, warmer city, ideally Durham, NC, where my wife and I attended college and first met. She does not want to move and has an objectively compelling argument for wanting to stay. I cannot seem to set aside my dissatisfaction with living here, and I’d like your advice on how to deal constructively with this urge.
With apologies for the length of the post, here is the situation:
My wife really, really likes living here. She likes the size of the city. She likes her job, which is in a quasi-academic field and has low pay but good benefits and what should be a better-than-average ability to withstand the recession. She likes our neighborhood elementary school, as does our child who currently attends that school. She likes the day care for our younger child. She likes being within 30-60 minutes of her mother and my parents. She likes our church. She likes no longer living in the southern U.S. after having lived there her whole life through college. She even likes the crab cakes.
My dissatisfaction stems from my persistent and growing dislike for Baltimore. Simply put, I’m tired of living here and tired of reading about, and trying to grapple with, with the city’s problems on a daily basis. The drugs, the crime, the poverty, the schools, the bleak winters, the large size of the city (for this guy who grew up in a small town)… the negatives have built to the point that I simply do not want to live here any longer. I can't turn a blind eye to the many problems here, and the intractability of the social issues coupled with my dislike for living in the city itself is wearing heavily on me.
I don’t like to complain without making a good-faith effort to make a difference, and I’ve therefore gotten involved in efforts through my neighborhood association, church and employer to improve matters in the city. Our church is part of a network of churches that support homeless families, for example, and I’ve volunteered to help with that effort. There are also things about living in Baltimore that I do like, particularly the museums and the libraries. Despite my best efforts to stay involved, to volunteer and to do what I can in general to be a good citizen, I find myself depressed by the scope of the city’s problems and increasingly feeling trapped in a place I do not like.
Durham appeals to me for its familiarity, our good friends of long-standing who are in the Triangle area, its better weather, its smaller size, its relatively liberal culture (in the context of the South), the proximity of the large universities in the Triangle, its cultural opportunities, and, last but not least, its cheaper housing. I just feel that life there would be easier than it is here. Our commutes would likely be shorter, our mortgage cheaper, the pace of life slower, and I have every confidence that we could move to a high-quality school district for our kids.
I’d like to think I’m pretty realistic, and I wouldn’t expect to move right away (given the economy), or expect Durham to be perfect. On balance, though, I think I, personally, would be happier there. I suspect it would be a good move for my wife and kids, too, although it’s always tricky to weigh the pros and cons of a decision like this, when we can project into the future much more easily the pros and cons of a place that we know well versus one we don’t know as well. I’m not wedded to Durham, in particular, but it does seem to have much of what I would like.
Housing is another issue - an ancillary issue to larger one, but still a concern. We live in a house in what is considered a very desirable inner-ring suburb, one that is mere blocks from the city line. We bought a now-80-year-old house about eight years ago and a primary consideration was the school district, even though we bought before we had kids.
Our neighborhood may be considered prestigious, but that means little to me. I look at our house and see an attractive house from the exterior, but one that lacks a lot of amenities. We’re planning to remodel the basement and install central air conditioning, and the cost of doing so, while large and nerve-wracking in this current economy, isn’t the main objection for me; it’s the fact that we’ll be spending big bucks to fix up a house I’m not wild about, in a city that I don’t like.
I’m deeply troubled by my inability to discuss this desire to leave Baltimore with my wife in any rational way. Her response tends to be along the lines of, “I really like it here, so why move?” That sort of response trivializes my very real concerns about living here and doesn’t leave much room for a discussion. On the other hand, she's been abundantly clear about her feelings on the matter, and it seems rude and perhaps even disrespectful of me to keep bringing up the subject.
I’m also troubled by what, from my perspective, looks like a perfectly rational desire to move, but which, on the other hand, looks to my wife (and sometimes to me) like an escape into fantasy or a retreat from confronting the realities of daily life. I’m a reasonably competent person. I’ve changed jobs when appropriate, and each new job has suited me better than the one before. I’ve run a marathon, obtained professional certifications, and achieved other things by setting goals and working hard. I try to be active in my community. I've tried pretty hard to make a go of it here. And yet, I have an unrequited desire to leave Baltimore.
Trying to look at this objectively, I have:
- a spouse who adamantly does not want to move;
- nearby parents;
- a house, notwithstanding its shortcomings, in an area that has retained property values and which is in a good school system;
- happy, healthy children;
- a church I like; and
- a job and co-workers that, generally speaking, I like (though not to the same extent as my wife).
There are many times I feel ashamed or selfish to even think of moving and that I should count my blessings and make my peace with living here. While there are times that I can suppress my feelings to some degree, though, my growing dislike for living here always seems to re-surface sooner or later.
If anyone’s made the move I’ve been contemplating, I’d be interested in your specific thoughts. I’m more interested, however, in anyone’s advice regarding how I should proceed from here. Should I suck it up and keep trying to focus on the things I do like about living here? Should I consider therapy, either alone or with my wife? Does this persistent, constant desire to move strike you as normal, or as unhealthy and counterproductive? I’m amenable to any and all evaluations of my situation and suggestions as to how I can deal with this situation. Throwaway e-mail for anyone who’d prefer not to post: stuckinbaltimore@gmail.com.
posted by anonymous to grab bag (31 comments total)
4 users marked this as a favorite
Subscribe
Does this persistent, constant desire to move strike you as normal, or as unhealthy and counterproductive?
I think it's only unhealthy and counterproductive if you really believe there's no chance you can ever move. I think it would be good for you to sit down with your wife, pitch the move to Durham seriously and explain how you think you could both be happy there, and see if you guys can come to some sort of agreement. Maybe that agreement will be "we're not moving until -child- is out of elementary school" or "we're not moving until we both have jobs lined up in Durham" or "we'll talk about this again in a year," but if her current answer is no then get a timeline on when you can revisit the subject. That way you won't have to keep worrying about it in the mean time, wondering if it's the right time to say something, wondering what you should say, driving yourself crazy and driving your relationship apart. If this discussion would be easier with a therapist, go see one together.
And for what it's worth, I don't think this is abnormal. Sometimes people just feel like moving. That's ok.
posted by vytae at 8:40 AM on March 16