Why didn't Boyfriend like my porn?
March 2, 2009 4:06 PM Subscribe
I am naked. And puzzled. [NSFW]
I've been dating Boyfriend for a few months now and for Valentine's Day, I had some nude shots of myself done, both for me (to regard when I'm old and gray, to look back fondly) and for him (to, uh, enjoy).
Boyfriend's response when I showed him the pix? Oh. Nice. Mmmhmm. Oh, that one's nice. *turned back to watch TV* Seriously. That was his reaction. I feel like a dumbass. I'm a pretty physical person and have done such photos before but have never gotten a disinterested reaction like this, so now I just feel...dumb.
I had a trusted married, male friend take the pix; he's done this many times before for other women over the years and I had seen his photos, which I liked, which is how I chose him to do my photos. His wife was aware and had no issue with our doing this (she's also a friend of mine). The photo session was amazingly fun and delightfully un-weird; I felt completely comfortable and safe. There was no inappropriate commentary or touching during the photo session. I explained all this to Boyfriend, so he wouldn't think I had some random person alone with me during my nakedness.
Please help me understand why Boyfriend didn't appear to appreciate a gift like this. I'm surely not a supermodel, but I'm decently proportioned and athletic. Boyfriend and I are normally quite passionate together physically so I'm not sure where things went off the rails.
I've been dating Boyfriend for a few months now and for Valentine's Day, I had some nude shots of myself done, both for me (to regard when I'm old and gray, to look back fondly) and for him (to, uh, enjoy).
Boyfriend's response when I showed him the pix? Oh. Nice. Mmmhmm. Oh, that one's nice. *turned back to watch TV* Seriously. That was his reaction. I feel like a dumbass. I'm a pretty physical person and have done such photos before but have never gotten a disinterested reaction like this, so now I just feel...dumb.
I had a trusted married, male friend take the pix; he's done this many times before for other women over the years and I had seen his photos, which I liked, which is how I chose him to do my photos. His wife was aware and had no issue with our doing this (she's also a friend of mine). The photo session was amazingly fun and delightfully un-weird; I felt completely comfortable and safe. There was no inappropriate commentary or touching during the photo session. I explained all this to Boyfriend, so he wouldn't think I had some random person alone with me during my nakedness.
Please help me understand why Boyfriend didn't appear to appreciate a gift like this. I'm surely not a supermodel, but I'm decently proportioned and athletic. Boyfriend and I are normally quite passionate together physically so I'm not sure where things went off the rails.
Askmefi isnt a psychic friend type service. You know what the real solution is? Ask him.
posted by damn dirty ape at 4:12 PM on March 2, 2009 [5 favorites]
posted by damn dirty ape at 4:12 PM on March 2, 2009 [5 favorites]
You don't need porn when you are sleeping with the model.
posted by Loto at 4:12 PM on March 2, 2009 [10 favorites]
posted by Loto at 4:12 PM on March 2, 2009 [10 favorites]
Yeah, I can think of a laundry list of reasons for what happened and I have no basis for choosing between them, and neither do you. Unless you ask him.
So I suggest asking him.
posted by Justinian at 4:14 PM on March 2, 2009
So I suggest asking him.
posted by Justinian at 4:14 PM on March 2, 2009
Response by poster: I did ask him if he didn't like them or if they made him uncomfortable. He affirmed he liked them and that they didn't make him uncomfortable. When I showed the pix to him, they were on my laptop and he has expressed no request for me to give them to him on a thumb drive, email, etc. I find this mysterious. I thought most men dug pr0n, just as a general rule.
posted by December at 4:15 PM on March 2, 2009
posted by December at 4:15 PM on March 2, 2009
Well, that just sucks. I'm sorry. Do you think it has anything to do with this?
posted by dancinglamb at 4:16 PM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by dancinglamb at 4:16 PM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
The photo session was amazingly fun and delightfully un-weird; I felt completely comfortable and safe. There was no inappropriate commentary or touching during the photo session. I explained all this to Boyfriend...
So you explained this to your bf, either before or after the shoot. But did you ask him if it was okay with him? Maybe he had a problem with you getting naked in front of someone else. Whether that's ultimately his problem or your problem, I don't know, that's between you guys.
posted by zardoz at 4:19 PM on March 2, 2009
So you explained this to your bf, either before or after the shoot. But did you ask him if it was okay with him? Maybe he had a problem with you getting naked in front of someone else. Whether that's ultimately his problem or your problem, I don't know, that's between you guys.
posted by zardoz at 4:19 PM on March 2, 2009
I'm sure this has nothing to do with how you look or the quality of the photos themselves. I was gonna say pretty much what Burhanistan just said, with the additional possibility that maybe it wasn't totally clear to him that you meant these as a gift, since you say in your question that they were also for yourself.
Also, what response did you have in mind, exactly? "Oh wow, honey, these are just..." *snatches photos, absconds to bedroom, shutting door behind him*
On preview: wait, you just showed them to him and didn't offer him a copy? Most people are pretty careful about disseminating naked photos of themselves, so perhaps he assumed that if you weren't explicitly offering to send them, that meant you didn't want to give him his own copies.
posted by contraption at 4:20 PM on March 2, 2009 [3 favorites]
Also, what response did you have in mind, exactly? "Oh wow, honey, these are just..." *snatches photos, absconds to bedroom, shutting door behind him*
On preview: wait, you just showed them to him and didn't offer him a copy? Most people are pretty careful about disseminating naked photos of themselves, so perhaps he assumed that if you weren't explicitly offering to send them, that meant you didn't want to give him his own copies.
posted by contraption at 4:20 PM on March 2, 2009 [3 favorites]
It's hard to say, without knowing what he thinks, so really you should ask him.
Some guesses:
He's just insensitive.
Even with all these precautions you took, he doesn't like the fact another guy was photographing you naked.
He liked the pics, but didn't realise how much it meant to you to give them to him (that's the same as being insensitive).
He didn't like the pics much.
He was annoyed that he didn't get to take them himself.
I dunno. Here I speak only personally, but if a girlfriend did this for me I would probably be a little underwhelmed - both because she'd given me photos of her being naked, which I enjoy seeing in real life all the time anyway, except some other guy took them, and also because I'm just not that excited by this kind of photo, really, it doesn't do that much for me, and I say that as someone who does like looking at porn from time to time, but that's different - but I think if I could see you'd made a big effort I'd go through the motions of saying, "Oh wow" etc.
posted by cincinnatus c at 4:20 PM on March 2, 2009 [3 favorites]
Some guesses:
He's just insensitive.
Even with all these precautions you took, he doesn't like the fact another guy was photographing you naked.
He liked the pics, but didn't realise how much it meant to you to give them to him (that's the same as being insensitive).
He didn't like the pics much.
He was annoyed that he didn't get to take them himself.
I dunno. Here I speak only personally, but if a girlfriend did this for me I would probably be a little underwhelmed - both because she'd given me photos of her being naked, which I enjoy seeing in real life all the time anyway, except some other guy took them, and also because I'm just not that excited by this kind of photo, really, it doesn't do that much for me, and I say that as someone who does like looking at porn from time to time, but that's different - but I think if I could see you'd made a big effort I'd go through the motions of saying, "Oh wow" etc.
posted by cincinnatus c at 4:20 PM on March 2, 2009 [3 favorites]
So you asked if the pictures themselves make him uncomfortable. Now ask him about the shoot.
posted by zardoz at 4:21 PM on March 2, 2009
posted by zardoz at 4:21 PM on March 2, 2009
I thought most men dug pr0n, just as a general rule.
That might be part of the problem here: it sounds like you don't really know if and to what extant and of what sorts this guy digs porn. Everybody is different, and while it seems a little weird to me that he was as unenthusiastic about it as he was, he may just in fact be unenthusiastic about it.
It might be weird territory to go into (or not!), but the best way to actually get some resolution on this is probably just talking to him some more, specifically about both (a) how you are feeling a little disappointed that this thing you did for him hasn't really gotten any response—not that it's his fault, per se, but that you want him to know how you feel so you don't end up just sitting on this and stewing—and (b) what his feelings about porn are, so if you have porny inspiration in the future you can have a better knowledge of your shared and differing preferences to work with.
posted by cortex at 4:23 PM on March 2, 2009 [7 favorites]
That might be part of the problem here: it sounds like you don't really know if and to what extant and of what sorts this guy digs porn. Everybody is different, and while it seems a little weird to me that he was as unenthusiastic about it as he was, he may just in fact be unenthusiastic about it.
It might be weird territory to go into (or not!), but the best way to actually get some resolution on this is probably just talking to him some more, specifically about both (a) how you are feeling a little disappointed that this thing you did for him hasn't really gotten any response—not that it's his fault, per se, but that you want him to know how you feel so you don't end up just sitting on this and stewing—and (b) what his feelings about porn are, so if you have porny inspiration in the future you can have a better knowledge of your shared and differing preferences to work with.
posted by cortex at 4:23 PM on March 2, 2009 [7 favorites]
It would be awesome if my wife or girlfriend did this. The guy should count his blessings.
posted by charlesv at 4:24 PM on March 2, 2009
posted by charlesv at 4:24 PM on March 2, 2009
Just reaching here but...maybe you caught him in the middle of his favourite show?
Or it could be that, if we're talking men digging porn as a general rule, they tend to dig it because they can develop an elaborate fantasy wherein they are fucking somebody unattainable, which reinforces the desire. Either that or the porn is simply hardcore and not something they would ever do, but seems pretty hot when you are in the throes of passion and don't have to deal with any strange messes or smells or questions from authorities.
But you're already his and you say you have a pretty good sexual chemistry, so while it might not be that he doesn't appreciate the effort, exactly, it just lacks a certain value. And perhaps he's merely uncomfortable with the idea of a) somebody else seeing you naked and b) having to possibly establish a disconnect between the images of you and the reality of you.
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:25 PM on March 2, 2009
Or it could be that, if we're talking men digging porn as a general rule, they tend to dig it because they can develop an elaborate fantasy wherein they are fucking somebody unattainable, which reinforces the desire. Either that or the porn is simply hardcore and not something they would ever do, but seems pretty hot when you are in the throes of passion and don't have to deal with any strange messes or smells or questions from authorities.
But you're already his and you say you have a pretty good sexual chemistry, so while it might not be that he doesn't appreciate the effort, exactly, it just lacks a certain value. And perhaps he's merely uncomfortable with the idea of a) somebody else seeing you naked and b) having to possibly establish a disconnect between the images of you and the reality of you.
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:25 PM on March 2, 2009
Response by poster: dancinglamb: anything's possible.
zardoz: I asked him before if he'd be comfortable with my doing it and he said yes as long as it wasn't 'some random guy' taking the pix.
contraption: I made it clear they were a Valentine's gift.
posted by December at 4:25 PM on March 2, 2009
zardoz: I asked him before if he'd be comfortable with my doing it and he said yes as long as it wasn't 'some random guy' taking the pix.
contraption: I made it clear they were a Valentine's gift.
posted by December at 4:25 PM on March 2, 2009
He was weirded out that someone saw you naked and took pictures, and didn't know how to react. He seems to have issues cutting of exes, so he might be wondering if the photographer is an ex or a potential prospect for you.
As well, I would much rather be looking at the real thing than a picture on my computer- Hell, I don't think I know what I would want to DO with pictures of an SO.
posted by dunkadunc at 4:27 PM on March 2, 2009
As well, I would much rather be looking at the real thing than a picture on my computer- Hell, I don't think I know what I would want to DO with pictures of an SO.
posted by dunkadunc at 4:27 PM on March 2, 2009
Also, there's a very very big difference between somebody (a guy, no less: problem one) taking "erotic" or "saucy" or "sexy" pictures of your girlfriend, and somebody (the same guy) taking actual "pornographic" pictures of your girlfriend. In my case, if it were the latter, I would be distinctly underwhelmed and possibly even a little angry.
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:28 PM on March 2, 2009
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:28 PM on March 2, 2009
I thought most men dug pr0n, just as a general rule.
People's porn tastes are varied and sometimes specific. If they were pin-up type photos, maybe that's just not his thing, especially (as cincinnatus c points out) he's seen you in the flesh plenty.
His reaction really doesn't sound offended. Just blase. As a general rule, I think it's a good idea to avoid the "men like x" line of thinking when it comes to gifts and instead give gifts that are specific to the tastes of the person, especially when i comes to sexy-gifts.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:29 PM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
People's porn tastes are varied and sometimes specific. If they were pin-up type photos, maybe that's just not his thing, especially (as cincinnatus c points out) he's seen you in the flesh plenty.
His reaction really doesn't sound offended. Just blase. As a general rule, I think it's a good idea to avoid the "men like x" line of thinking when it comes to gifts and instead give gifts that are specific to the tastes of the person, especially when i comes to sexy-gifts.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:29 PM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
Please help me understand why Boyfriend didn't appear to appreciate a gift like this.
If the gift is for him, why is it so important that he react to it in front of you in a certain way? I don't think that's fair to him; that makes the gift more about him doing something for you than you doing something for him. You did the work of taking pictures for him- that was for him, right (and not for you getting a certain reaction out of him)? He said he liked the gift; do you have any reason to believe that he lied? It's like giving someone a sweater and then demanding every time you see them why they aren't wearing it. Let him enjoy this gift in his own way.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:30 PM on March 2, 2009 [13 favorites]
If the gift is for him, why is it so important that he react to it in front of you in a certain way? I don't think that's fair to him; that makes the gift more about him doing something for you than you doing something for him. You did the work of taking pictures for him- that was for him, right (and not for you getting a certain reaction out of him)? He said he liked the gift; do you have any reason to believe that he lied? It's like giving someone a sweater and then demanding every time you see them why they aren't wearing it. Let him enjoy this gift in his own way.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:30 PM on March 2, 2009 [13 favorites]
He sees you naked on a regular basis, and probably in more provocative positions than you photographed. I'm sure he'd appreciate the pictures more if you were not physically together on a regular basis. Does he realize you took them specifically to titillate him, rather than as (for example) art? In other words, were they sexy, or merely nudes?
posted by kindall at 4:30 PM on March 2, 2009
posted by kindall at 4:30 PM on March 2, 2009
We men like porn, but not as much as we like sex. In the flesh, you are sex, and more attractive than porn. In photos, you're porn, and maybe not as attractive as the professionals.
posted by nicwolff at 4:33 PM on March 2, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by nicwolff at 4:33 PM on March 2, 2009 [2 favorites]
A better place to ask your question is http://podcasts.thestranger.com/savagelove/. Dan Savage gives sincere and often hilarious advice.
posted by slepore09 at 4:35 PM on March 2, 2009
posted by slepore09 at 4:35 PM on March 2, 2009
I have friends who would react that same way no matter what you give them. Truly, I could give one of them a wad of cash and it would be along the lines of "oh, cool, thanks. Hey, any nachos left?"
So maybe he's just kind of clueless/it has nothing to do with you or your gift, really.
posted by KAS at 4:37 PM on March 2, 2009
So maybe he's just kind of clueless/it has nothing to do with you or your gift, really.
posted by KAS at 4:37 PM on March 2, 2009
Nude pictures as a gift, so early in the relationship seem like you are moving too fast. A boudoir photo is something you give your husband or someone you have been with for a few years. You have only been a couple for two months! This is such a short amount of time. How do you even know someone well enough after this short amount of time to determine if a gift like this is even something they'd be interested in?
posted by pluckysparrow at 4:38 PM on March 2, 2009
posted by pluckysparrow at 4:38 PM on March 2, 2009
If the gift is for him, why is it so important that he react to it in front of you in a certain way?
I think the problem is that he barely reacted at all. Imagine if you bought your significant other that special something you were just sure they wanted, and it took a considerable amount of effort to find and purchase this thing. Then you presented it to him, and he said, "Oh. Cool. Thanks," and didn't give it another glance. After all the work you did, that would feel pretty shitty, especially if he was normally more responsive. In this case, that "something" happens to be very personal and intimate. It's not unreasonable to be disappointed by a lackluster reaction. Maybe he's not the jumping-for-joy type of guy, but the reaction given is not at all appropriate considering the nature of the gift.
To the OP - it sounds like this possibly made him feel awkward. He might have said he was cool with it because he didn't want to upset you, but he might have actually felt completely different. Does he know how YOU feel about his reaction? Did he fully understand these were for him? And... I hate to go there, but... is your relationship totally secure right now?
posted by katillathehun at 4:39 PM on March 2, 2009 [3 favorites]
I think the problem is that he barely reacted at all. Imagine if you bought your significant other that special something you were just sure they wanted, and it took a considerable amount of effort to find and purchase this thing. Then you presented it to him, and he said, "Oh. Cool. Thanks," and didn't give it another glance. After all the work you did, that would feel pretty shitty, especially if he was normally more responsive. In this case, that "something" happens to be very personal and intimate. It's not unreasonable to be disappointed by a lackluster reaction. Maybe he's not the jumping-for-joy type of guy, but the reaction given is not at all appropriate considering the nature of the gift.
To the OP - it sounds like this possibly made him feel awkward. He might have said he was cool with it because he didn't want to upset you, but he might have actually felt completely different. Does he know how YOU feel about his reaction? Did he fully understand these were for him? And... I hate to go there, but... is your relationship totally secure right now?
posted by katillathehun at 4:39 PM on March 2, 2009 [3 favorites]
I think the problem is that he barely reacted at all. Imagine if you bought your significant other that special something you were just sure they wanted, and it took a considerable amount of effort to find and purchase this thing. Then you presented it to him, and he said, "Oh. Cool. Thanks," and didn't give it another glance. After all the work you did, that would feel pretty shitty, especially if he was normally more responsive. In this case, that "something" happens to be very personal and intimate. It's not unreasonable to be disappointed by a lackluster reaction. Maybe he's not the jumping-for-joy type of guy, but the reaction given is not at all appropriate considering the nature of the gift.
The problem with this comparison is that this wasn't a gift she was sure he wanted; she picked it based on an assumption that men like nudie pics and it had all these strings about his reaction attached.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:42 PM on March 2, 2009
The problem with this comparison is that this wasn't a gift she was sure he wanted; she picked it based on an assumption that men like nudie pics and it had all these strings about his reaction attached.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:42 PM on March 2, 2009
For whatever reason - even if it was a faulty assumption - she was still quite sure he'd like it. And he didn't care, apparently. I'm just saying that it's absolutely understandable for her to be upset by his reaction. He's saying he liked them, but that's not the typical reaction of someone who likes something like that.
posted by katillathehun at 4:44 PM on March 2, 2009
posted by katillathehun at 4:44 PM on March 2, 2009
I had a trusted married, male friend take the pix; he's done this many times before for other women over the years and I had seen his photos, which I liked, which is how I chose him to do my photos. His wife was aware and had no issue with our doing this (she's also a friend of mine).
I'm pretty sure this would be it. You'll have to ask him.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:45 PM on March 2, 2009
I'm pretty sure this would be it. You'll have to ask him.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:45 PM on March 2, 2009
Response by poster: pluckysparrow and PhoBWanKenobi: I have been dating him since last summer and he had seen other nude pix I had done (albeit I did those by myself, with no help). He was quite pleased with those so I thought that would dovetail into his being interested in some more recent ones, done just for him, of better quality.
posted by December at 4:45 PM on March 2, 2009
posted by December at 4:45 PM on March 2, 2009
I wonder if he's down playing it so you won't feel the compulsion to do it again. I'm guessing that he really doesn't need the photos, and maybe you are more keen on the idea than he.
posted by mattoxic at 4:46 PM on March 2, 2009
posted by mattoxic at 4:46 PM on March 2, 2009
I think most people are right with the porn/partner split. It's not that people don't want to see naked pictures of their partner, they just don't need to. There is also the possibility that masturbation and whatever he uses represent his private and personal sexuality apart from you. Presenting him with pictures and more-or-less suggesting that he uses them to masturbate is kinda invading that space. He might love you dearly but still want to maintain a private sexual space of his own. I have known guys who have preferred to keep this kind of distance between two halves of their sexuality.
If so, it's ok, just don't force it. I don't know what percentage of men do/don't masturbate thinking about their partners, but I doubt it's an exclusive thing at any point in a relationship.
posted by Sova at 4:47 PM on March 2, 2009 [2 favorites]
If so, it's ok, just don't force it. I don't know what percentage of men do/don't masturbate thinking about their partners, but I doubt it's an exclusive thing at any point in a relationship.
posted by Sova at 4:47 PM on March 2, 2009 [2 favorites]
People say they're OK with things all the time when they don't really mean it. I had a girlfriend who shot a photo shoot in her apartment with a transvestite (not transsexual): I didn't say so at the time but it made me incredibly uncomfortable that she was taking cheesecake shots of this guy.
posted by dunkadunc at 4:54 PM on March 2, 2009
posted by dunkadunc at 4:54 PM on March 2, 2009
Questions that come to mind:
Did he respond enthusiastically when you first brought it up?
Does he respond enthusiastically to other sexual things from you?
Is he under a lot of stress?
How are things in the relationship?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:58 PM on March 2, 2009
Did he respond enthusiastically when you first brought it up?
Does he respond enthusiastically to other sexual things from you?
Is he under a lot of stress?
How are things in the relationship?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:58 PM on March 2, 2009
Hello, I will be your contrarian voice today. Wild-ass guess follows...
* You are not as classically attractive as you think you are. I'm sure you're beautiful. But you're no supermodel, as you say.
* The boudoir photography emphasized this fact, instead of artfully hiding it.
* You posed like a supermodel, which only highlighted your shortcomings. Think of this as something like the uncanny valley effect.
* Presenting the photo to your boyfriend only served to remind him that, no, he's not actually dating a supermodel like he secretly fantasizes about.
* He doesn't know how to deal with this effectively, so he kinda shut down and wished it all away. "Oh, look, a Star Trek re-run..."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 5:00 PM on March 2, 2009 [4 favorites]
* You are not as classically attractive as you think you are. I'm sure you're beautiful. But you're no supermodel, as you say.
* The boudoir photography emphasized this fact, instead of artfully hiding it.
* You posed like a supermodel, which only highlighted your shortcomings. Think of this as something like the uncanny valley effect.
* Presenting the photo to your boyfriend only served to remind him that, no, he's not actually dating a supermodel like he secretly fantasizes about.
* He doesn't know how to deal with this effectively, so he kinda shut down and wished it all away. "Oh, look, a Star Trek re-run..."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 5:00 PM on March 2, 2009 [4 favorites]
I think feeling like a dumb ass in this situation is the right feeling. You don't setup people like that to get a response, which is basically what you did. Don't you think this was manipulative and you got your due?
Personally I find nude photography about as boring as photography comes. Not porn, mind you–I love porn–but nudes don't interest me in the least.
Other than that, maybe:
1. the pictures don't capture WHAT HE FINDS sexy about you.
2. he'd already masturbated 3 times that day and even sitting on his face wouldn't stir his interest.
3. his contacts weren't on
4. he just wanted to watch TV
5. ...
Ask him. Or, better yet, apologize.
posted by elpiconeroalcognac at 5:07 PM on March 2, 2009
Personally I find nude photography about as boring as photography comes. Not porn, mind you–I love porn–but nudes don't interest me in the least.
Other than that, maybe:
1. the pictures don't capture WHAT HE FINDS sexy about you.
2. he'd already masturbated 3 times that day and even sitting on his face wouldn't stir his interest.
3. his contacts weren't on
4. he just wanted to watch TV
5. ...
Ask him. Or, better yet, apologize.
posted by elpiconeroalcognac at 5:07 PM on March 2, 2009
I have been dating him since last summer
Oh, you mean this guy:
His history: Sig Other has Nice Guy Syndrome. Can't say no because he feels guilty about breaking up with her, is trying to let her down gently, thinks he is being nice by randomly meeting up with her.
Based strictly on your above description of him, he might have Nice Guy Syndrome with you too. Ya'll really need to talk.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:07 PM on March 2, 2009
Oh, you mean this guy:
His history: Sig Other has Nice Guy Syndrome. Can't say no because he feels guilty about breaking up with her, is trying to let her down gently, thinks he is being nice by randomly meeting up with her.
Based strictly on your above description of him, he might have Nice Guy Syndrome with you too. Ya'll really need to talk.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:07 PM on March 2, 2009
December, it wasn't clear from your original post whether you'd taken those previous photos for him or for yourself/someone else.
But at this point, I think you really just need to talk to him more about it. Any speculation on our part is essentially useless bean-plating.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:09 PM on March 2, 2009
But at this point, I think you really just need to talk to him more about it. Any speculation on our part is essentially useless bean-plating.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:09 PM on March 2, 2009
Were you expecting a romantic moment? Were you expecting him to tell you how beautiful you were? It sounds like you had big expectations and he didn't deliver. It's not his fault. He said he liked them. Maybe he doesn't find them titillating. Maybe he thought it was strange that you went out of your way to have these done. Maybe he doesn't know what to do with them. Maybe he loves you for your heart and soul, and most likely he loves your body and having sex with you, but doesn't know how to react to nude photos as a gift. Especially after only a few months of dating. If you have more photos of yourself than him and you together, you should start snapping some pics. If he's more of an old-fashioned type, he probably would have appreciated a candid pic of the two of you, clothed.
Once, on impulse, I bought my husband a bouquet of flowers. I read over and over again in women's magazines that it's great to give men flowers! They love it! Ha! My husband sort of grunted and looked at the flowers, and me, strangely. Moral of the story is you can't manufacture or force romance.
posted by Fairchild at 5:17 PM on March 2, 2009
Once, on impulse, I bought my husband a bouquet of flowers. I read over and over again in women's magazines that it's great to give men flowers! They love it! Ha! My husband sort of grunted and looked at the flowers, and me, strangely. Moral of the story is you can't manufacture or force romance.
posted by Fairchild at 5:17 PM on March 2, 2009
Talk to him. I'd be willing to bet that he's just nonplussed.
I mean, what, exactly, is he supposed to do with them? It's not like he's gonna frame 'em and hang 'em up, which is what he'd do if you got him pictures of something else or less revealing pictures of you.
I also think the timing may have been off. If my girlfriend and I were making out and she said, "Hey, wait, I've got something to show you..." that'd be hot, and a way of promoting intimacy. But if I was just relaxing one evening and my girlfriend just sprung it on me out of the blue, well, if it didn't lead to something right then and there, I'm not entirely sure what I'd think. And watching TV by myself isn't exactly what I do to get myself "in the mood" as it were.
Again: talk to him. It's entirely possible that nothing is going on, but that the timing of your gift was off.
posted by valkyryn at 5:24 PM on March 2, 2009
I mean, what, exactly, is he supposed to do with them? It's not like he's gonna frame 'em and hang 'em up, which is what he'd do if you got him pictures of something else or less revealing pictures of you.
I also think the timing may have been off. If my girlfriend and I were making out and she said, "Hey, wait, I've got something to show you..." that'd be hot, and a way of promoting intimacy. But if I was just relaxing one evening and my girlfriend just sprung it on me out of the blue, well, if it didn't lead to something right then and there, I'm not entirely sure what I'd think. And watching TV by myself isn't exactly what I do to get myself "in the mood" as it were.
Again: talk to him. It's entirely possible that nothing is going on, but that the timing of your gift was off.
posted by valkyryn at 5:24 PM on March 2, 2009
Before going into the conversation with your boyfriend (which I think you do indeed need to do at some point), I think it would be useful to examine what, in fact, you actually expected as a response. For example, did you want enthusiastic compliments regarding your attractiveness, or an explicit assurance that he'd use the photos for masturbating, or for him to immediately initiate sex with you?
Understanding more precisely why you're disappointed is important so that you can know, going into the conversation, if there's something you want or need from him that you're not otherwise getting. Taking responsibility for what you need is likely to be more productive than simply deflecting the issue onto him for having failed to live up to the expectation that "guys like porn, therefore he should like these nude pics of me."
posted by scody at 5:30 PM on March 2, 2009 [3 favorites]
Understanding more precisely why you're disappointed is important so that you can know, going into the conversation, if there's something you want or need from him that you're not otherwise getting. Taking responsibility for what you need is likely to be more productive than simply deflecting the issue onto him for having failed to live up to the expectation that "guys like porn, therefore he should like these nude pics of me."
posted by scody at 5:30 PM on March 2, 2009 [3 favorites]
Ah-ha. I see you've had concerns about this boyfriend relatively recently. I second Brandon Blatcher. It's time to have a sit-down with this man.
posted by katillathehun at 5:43 PM on March 2, 2009
posted by katillathehun at 5:43 PM on March 2, 2009
My guess is that photos he himself took would be hotter than any frou-frou, artistically grand photos arranged by another man. The power involved in directing your poses and the happy memory of doing it play into the pleasure of looking at them.
Also, with porn, if utility is your aim, it might behoove you to seek quantity over quality. It sounds like your shots aren't necessarily that... pornographic. Next time you two are feeling playful, get the camera out as a surprise and ask if he'd like to photograph the whole shebang. Then he'll have a functional assortment of positions, angles, cock inclusions, etc. And damned if that wouldn't get some love and use later on. I may be wrong in what I'm imagining you produced, here, but coy, lush boudoir shots aren't the likeliest jerk-off material. Likewise, explicit closeups or action shots of your climax aren't likely to be something you look back on wistfully when you're 90. I kinda can't look at that sort NOW.
I would retool your expectations, and treat these as a memento, a very special, personal gift, and tell him you had hoped he'd have noticed the special feeling behind the gesture - the trust, the giving of yourself, the thoughts of him, and your future together, and posterity, that you put into them. And then tell him you'd like to give him something else, something he can feel, remember, and use.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 5:45 PM on March 2, 2009 [2 favorites]
Also, with porn, if utility is your aim, it might behoove you to seek quantity over quality. It sounds like your shots aren't necessarily that... pornographic. Next time you two are feeling playful, get the camera out as a surprise and ask if he'd like to photograph the whole shebang. Then he'll have a functional assortment of positions, angles, cock inclusions, etc. And damned if that wouldn't get some love and use later on. I may be wrong in what I'm imagining you produced, here, but coy, lush boudoir shots aren't the likeliest jerk-off material. Likewise, explicit closeups or action shots of your climax aren't likely to be something you look back on wistfully when you're 90. I kinda can't look at that sort NOW.
I would retool your expectations, and treat these as a memento, a very special, personal gift, and tell him you had hoped he'd have noticed the special feeling behind the gesture - the trust, the giving of yourself, the thoughts of him, and your future together, and posterity, that you put into them. And then tell him you'd like to give him something else, something he can feel, remember, and use.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 5:45 PM on March 2, 2009 [2 favorites]
Continuing with what scody said, I find it interesting that you presented these to him while he was watching TV.
If I were going to give a Valentine's Day gift, any gift, I'd do it during our Valentine's Day celebration, a meal, or some other time that is already set up to be romantic, geared toward the holiday, geared toward us being together and focusing on each other.
Although I (stupidly and immaturely) sometimes get upset when I feel like a boyfriend is spending too much time doing something that's not about me -- watching TV, reading a magazine, working -- I have trained myself to back down from this needy feeling and not try to manipulate a situation so that I can pull his attention away from whatever he wants to be doing.
Sometimes a guy is doing these other activities because he's bored and there's nothing else to do, in which case maybe I'll try a little scantily-clad walk-by or an accidental drop-and-bendover. If these don't work, he's into his activity and I let it go and find something I want to be doing.
I'm just trying to put myself in your shoes and imagine what would lead up to me doing what you did, presenting my boyfriend with naked pictures of myself while he was watching TV, and I wonder if maybe you weren't trying to get him to pay more attention to you (almost always a FAIL), in which case there are probably other issues at work here.
posted by thebazilist at 5:48 PM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
If I were going to give a Valentine's Day gift, any gift, I'd do it during our Valentine's Day celebration, a meal, or some other time that is already set up to be romantic, geared toward the holiday, geared toward us being together and focusing on each other.
Although I (stupidly and immaturely) sometimes get upset when I feel like a boyfriend is spending too much time doing something that's not about me -- watching TV, reading a magazine, working -- I have trained myself to back down from this needy feeling and not try to manipulate a situation so that I can pull his attention away from whatever he wants to be doing.
Sometimes a guy is doing these other activities because he's bored and there's nothing else to do, in which case maybe I'll try a little scantily-clad walk-by or an accidental drop-and-bendover. If these don't work, he's into his activity and I let it go and find something I want to be doing.
I'm just trying to put myself in your shoes and imagine what would lead up to me doing what you did, presenting my boyfriend with naked pictures of myself while he was watching TV, and I wonder if maybe you weren't trying to get him to pay more attention to you (almost always a FAIL), in which case there are probably other issues at work here.
posted by thebazilist at 5:48 PM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
they were on my laptop and he has expressed no request for me to give them to him on a thumb drive, email, etc.
Just a wild guess, but it may have something to do with the presentation. The pix are on your laptop and you expected him to ask for copies, if I'm reading this right. This puts him on the spot to ask for a copy, which he might find off-putting. Another approach might have been to simply put the pix on his computer and said something like, "Oh, what's this pr0n on your computer that I just found here? My my my, isn't SHE a sexy creature, and so flexible." Also, a hard copy (no pun intended) might have had the immediacy you were looking for, something you could just hand him.
Of course, this is all groundless conjecture on my part.
posted by lekvar at 5:51 PM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
Just a wild guess, but it may have something to do with the presentation. The pix are on your laptop and you expected him to ask for copies, if I'm reading this right. This puts him on the spot to ask for a copy, which he might find off-putting. Another approach might have been to simply put the pix on his computer and said something like, "Oh, what's this pr0n on your computer that I just found here? My my my, isn't SHE a sexy creature, and so flexible." Also, a hard copy (no pun intended) might have had the immediacy you were looking for, something you could just hand him.
Of course, this is all groundless conjecture on my part.
posted by lekvar at 5:51 PM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
This is a tricky question because without having the unprecedented mind-reading ability to answer definitively, one is left projecting his (or her) own feelings onto the question which may or may not have anything to do with your boyfriend's reaction.
With that caveat, if I were in your boyfriend's position I too may have had an underwhelming reaction to the photos, assuming you've already been intimate together. Putting aside your own ego/insecurities for a second, how excited is he really expected to get over seeing a girl naked he's already seen naked [some large number of times] before?
posted by The Gooch at 5:57 PM on March 2, 2009
With that caveat, if I were in your boyfriend's position I too may have had an underwhelming reaction to the photos, assuming you've already been intimate together. Putting aside your own ego/insecurities for a second, how excited is he really expected to get over seeing a girl naked he's already seen naked [some large number of times] before?
posted by The Gooch at 5:57 PM on March 2, 2009
Just to clarify - were they nudes (boudoir shots, artsy) or porn (graphic, close ups, etc)?
To me there's a huge difference, which might also make a huge difference in how they were received.
posted by tristeza at 5:58 PM on March 2, 2009
To me there's a huge difference, which might also make a huge difference in how they were received.
posted by tristeza at 5:58 PM on March 2, 2009
This falls into the bin of: My boyfriend got mad at me for making out with a girl. What's wrong with him?
Some guys don't want you to make out with women. Some guys don't want you to take naked pictures. Some of them want both and they ask. And usually they prefer to take the photos themselves. Just because you have a fantasy in your mind about what men want does not mean that it is correct.
After "a few" months of dating, you probably don't really know what his ins and outs are sexually. Perhaps this would be a good time to get to know the guy you're with.
Also, perhaps he's keenly aware of how much sexual attention you need, and this naked photo escapade (apparently not your first) is another attempt to be the sexual vixen you desperately need to be. Maybe that's what makes him uncomfortable. My guess is he probably thought it was weird that you would do something so intimate so quickly.
This post seems less about him and more about you, as many others have said. It's time to examine why you have the need to give some guy you've only been dating for a couple of months naked photos. Seriously, that's something you give your husband, not a guy you're probably going to break up with shortly. If you want men drooling over your naked body, there's this thing called the internet. Some even pay for it.
posted by anniek at 5:58 PM on March 2, 2009 [2 favorites]
Some guys don't want you to make out with women. Some guys don't want you to take naked pictures. Some of them want both and they ask. And usually they prefer to take the photos themselves. Just because you have a fantasy in your mind about what men want does not mean that it is correct.
After "a few" months of dating, you probably don't really know what his ins and outs are sexually. Perhaps this would be a good time to get to know the guy you're with.
Also, perhaps he's keenly aware of how much sexual attention you need, and this naked photo escapade (apparently not your first) is another attempt to be the sexual vixen you desperately need to be. Maybe that's what makes him uncomfortable. My guess is he probably thought it was weird that you would do something so intimate so quickly.
This post seems less about him and more about you, as many others have said. It's time to examine why you have the need to give some guy you've only been dating for a couple of months naked photos. Seriously, that's something you give your husband, not a guy you're probably going to break up with shortly. If you want men drooling over your naked body, there's this thing called the internet. Some even pay for it.
posted by anniek at 5:58 PM on March 2, 2009 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Re timing of gift: our conversation segued into the pix, in that we were discussing a local thong contest and he offered to take my pic, to which I said, "Well...I actually already have some. Wanna see?" And the TV happened to be on in the background. So it was not a situation of him watching TV and my plopping down next to him; we were talking about sexy pix.
Re type of pix: To clarify, these are porn, not delicate photographic nudes done for artsy purposes. The ones I had shown him previously were done for former boyfriends, with whom I was in LDRs.
Re ol' girlfriend: we've had the sitdown. We've had several sitdowns actually and in my view, this problem was not surmountable so I was moving on. However, after some discussion, we agreed to try again and since then, he's actually - to my surprise, as I am a realist (read: pessimist) - been a great boyfriend and friend.
posted by December at 5:59 PM on March 2, 2009
Re type of pix: To clarify, these are porn, not delicate photographic nudes done for artsy purposes. The ones I had shown him previously were done for former boyfriends, with whom I was in LDRs.
Re ol' girlfriend: we've had the sitdown. We've had several sitdowns actually and in my view, this problem was not surmountable so I was moving on. However, after some discussion, we agreed to try again and since then, he's actually - to my surprise, as I am a realist (read: pessimist) - been a great boyfriend and friend.
posted by December at 5:59 PM on March 2, 2009
our conversation segued into the pix, in that we were discussing a local thong contest and he offered to take my pic, to which I said, "Well...I actually already have some. Wanna see?"
He was disappointed. Let him take the photos next time.
posted by katillathehun at 6:00 PM on March 2, 2009
He was disappointed. Let him take the photos next time.
posted by katillathehun at 6:00 PM on March 2, 2009
Metafilter: Possibly the only place on the internet where a female member could mention taking pics of herself and NOT receive any "clearly, we need to see said pics in order to make a proper judgment" comments.
In all sincerity, I think I agree a bit with katilla. Have some fun by letting HIM shoot you. If my girlfriend told me she had some nudes taken... recently... I would be a bit upset. In fact, depending on how "porn" they were and how much discussion there had been about another guy photographing girl, there would be some frustration I think.
If he's into it at all, letting him take his own would be far more rewarding, I think.
posted by disillusioned at 6:19 PM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
In all sincerity, I think I agree a bit with katilla. Have some fun by letting HIM shoot you. If my girlfriend told me she had some nudes taken... recently... I would be a bit upset. In fact, depending on how "porn" they were and how much discussion there had been about another guy photographing girl, there would be some frustration I think.
If he's into it at all, letting him take his own would be far more rewarding, I think.
posted by disillusioned at 6:19 PM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
Classic miscommunication. He wanted to be involved in taking the pics, but oh, you already have some pics, taken by some other guy. Oh. Yeah, they're nice, sure.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:19 PM on March 2, 2009 [7 favorites]
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:19 PM on March 2, 2009 [7 favorites]
Classic miscommunication. He wanted to be involved in taking the pics, but oh, you already have some pics, taken by some other guy. Oh. Yeah, they're nice, sure
That's right on. It doesn't sound like you took them for him since you sort of unceremoniously unveiled them. You probably would have gotten a much more appreciative reaction if you had printed one out, wrapped it, and given it to him to open with the promise of others.
Because then they would have been just for him. Not some random photos you just happen to have on your computer that anyone can see.
posted by anniek at 6:35 PM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
That's right on. It doesn't sound like you took them for him since you sort of unceremoniously unveiled them. You probably would have gotten a much more appreciative reaction if you had printed one out, wrapped it, and given it to him to open with the promise of others.
Because then they would have been just for him. Not some random photos you just happen to have on your computer that anyone can see.
posted by anniek at 6:35 PM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
our conversation segued into the pix, in that we were discussing a local thong contest and he offered to take my pic, to which I said, "Well...I actually already have some. Wanna see?"
So this was a surprise? I thought you said you talked about the shoot beforehand...which is it? If he knew about the shoot he wouldn't have been surprised about it.
I think the porn-shoot-by-some-other-guy is the culprit, but I could be wrong. Ask your bf.
posted by zardoz at 6:43 PM on March 2, 2009
So this was a surprise? I thought you said you talked about the shoot beforehand...which is it? If he knew about the shoot he wouldn't have been surprised about it.
I think the porn-shoot-by-some-other-guy is the culprit, but I could be wrong. Ask your bf.
posted by zardoz at 6:43 PM on March 2, 2009
Yeah I think that's it.
Look at it this way: You decide it would be fun for you and your boyfriend to take a romantic vacation to Hawaii. So you suggest it. At which point he says, "Oh, I already did that! With my ex-girlfriend! Here's some pics!". How enthusiastic are you going to be? Might you make some half-hearted nod in the enthused direction and then gone back to what you were doing?
Yeah.
posted by Justinian at 6:46 PM on March 2, 2009 [7 favorites]
Look at it this way: You decide it would be fun for you and your boyfriend to take a romantic vacation to Hawaii. So you suggest it. At which point he says, "Oh, I already did that! With my ex-girlfriend! Here's some pics!". How enthusiastic are you going to be? Might you make some half-hearted nod in the enthused direction and then gone back to what you were doing?
Yeah.
posted by Justinian at 6:46 PM on March 2, 2009 [7 favorites]
"I asked him before if he'd be comfortable with my doing it and he said yes as long as it wasn't 'some random guy' taking the pix."
When I read this, my immediate translation was: "I don't want anyone taking those pictures but me."
And then I read this... "we were discussing a local thong contest and he offered to take my pic, to which I said, "Well...I actually already have some. Wanna see?"
Yep. I'd bet my current annual salary* that he's either a) not thrilled about you stripping for some other man, b) let down that he offered to be the photographer and it's too late, or c) both.
* - I am currently unemployed.
posted by toomuchpete at 6:52 PM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
When I read this, my immediate translation was: "I don't want anyone taking those pictures but me."
And then I read this... "we were discussing a local thong contest and he offered to take my pic, to which I said, "Well...I actually already have some. Wanna see?"
Yep. I'd bet my current annual salary* that he's either a) not thrilled about you stripping for some other man, b) let down that he offered to be the photographer and it's too late, or c) both.
* - I am currently unemployed.
posted by toomuchpete at 6:52 PM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
As to him "enjoying" the pictures, the last thing he wants for masturbation material is pornographic pictures of you taken by another guy. Doesn't matter if the guy was trusted person and nothing occurred. As far as he's concerned, they can stay on your laptop, they're clearly yours and don't have much to do with him. No wonder he went back to watching tv, there was nothing for do.
Has he ever taken nude photos of you? If not and he knows previous boyfriends of yours have, yet when he offers to, you've already got photos taken by someone else...?! He might be feeling like he doesn't measure up for some reason.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:06 PM on March 2, 2009 [3 favorites]
Has he ever taken nude photos of you? If not and he knows previous boyfriends of yours have, yet when he offers to, you've already got photos taken by someone else...?! He might be feeling like he doesn't measure up for some reason.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:06 PM on March 2, 2009 [3 favorites]
I think the majority of the answers here miss the point (maybe because the nudity issue is side-tracking people). The point is that the OP gave her boyfriend a gift and he barely reacted. It makes no difference whether the gift was porn or a Wii.
Except that the fact that naked pics of the OP puts her in a vulnerable position. Yes, she put him on the spot. So what? I expect my partner to understand that when I'm naked, I'm vulnerable. I expect her to understand that because (a) everyone is vulnerable when naked, and (b) she's my partner, and she should be keyed in to my vulnerability. If she sees me naked, it's her job to help me feel good about myself. That's one of the things partners do for each other.
If my wife ever gave me naked pictures of herself and I said some version of ho-hum to them (regardless of whether I felt attracted or uncomfortable or whatever), I hope someone would come stick a porcupine up my ass. Maybe that would help me become a little more sensitive.
The OP's boyfriend meh-ed a gift. That's insensitive. Okay, people (even loving partners -- even me) are insensitive at times. But this is a hurtful wedge in the relationship, and it needs to be dealt with.
Talk it out.
posted by grumblebee at 7:33 PM on March 2, 2009 [5 favorites]
Except that the fact that naked pics of the OP puts her in a vulnerable position. Yes, she put him on the spot. So what? I expect my partner to understand that when I'm naked, I'm vulnerable. I expect her to understand that because (a) everyone is vulnerable when naked, and (b) she's my partner, and she should be keyed in to my vulnerability. If she sees me naked, it's her job to help me feel good about myself. That's one of the things partners do for each other.
If my wife ever gave me naked pictures of herself and I said some version of ho-hum to them (regardless of whether I felt attracted or uncomfortable or whatever), I hope someone would come stick a porcupine up my ass. Maybe that would help me become a little more sensitive.
The OP's boyfriend meh-ed a gift. That's insensitive. Okay, people (even loving partners -- even me) are insensitive at times. But this is a hurtful wedge in the relationship, and it needs to be dealt with.
Talk it out.
posted by grumblebee at 7:33 PM on March 2, 2009 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: zardoz: I did ask him beforehand how he'd feel about me doing nude pix and he said he would be comfortable with it. However, he didn'tt know I was planning on doing this as a Valentine's Day gift, he just knew that in general I wanted to do it. So it was a surprise in terms of timing, but not of content or participants.
Brandon Blatcher: to clarify, previous boyfriends hadn't taken pix of me. I have taken pix of myself for ex-boyfriends but I used the self-timer so there was no photographer involved. Those are the pix he saw previously and which he really liked (and asked me for more). So I was wondering what some reasons could be this time around as to why he appeared so lackluster, with pix done especially for him.
posted by December at 7:37 PM on March 2, 2009
Brandon Blatcher: to clarify, previous boyfriends hadn't taken pix of me. I have taken pix of myself for ex-boyfriends but I used the self-timer so there was no photographer involved. Those are the pix he saw previously and which he really liked (and asked me for more). So I was wondering what some reasons could be this time around as to why he appeared so lackluster, with pix done especially for him.
posted by December at 7:37 PM on March 2, 2009
I think feeling like a dumb ass in this situation is the right feeling. You don't setup people like that to get a response, which is basically what you did. Don't you think this was manipulative and you got your due?
All gift-giving is manipulative. Even if all you really want is for the recipient to be happy, you're still attempting to create that feeling by giving him a gift. You are manipulating the circumstances. So don't feel like a dumb ass. And don't feel bad for hoping for a more positive reaction. That's only human. You have nothing to apologize for.
posted by Evangeline at 7:39 PM on March 2, 2009
All gift-giving is manipulative. Even if all you really want is for the recipient to be happy, you're still attempting to create that feeling by giving him a gift. You are manipulating the circumstances. So don't feel like a dumb ass. And don't feel bad for hoping for a more positive reaction. That's only human. You have nothing to apologize for.
posted by Evangeline at 7:39 PM on March 2, 2009
To be fair, there's a time and a place for giving gifts. While the giftee is watching television is probably not ideal. Especially a gift of such personal significance. It's a little like proposing to somebody from the other side of a toilet cubicle.
posted by turgid dahlia at 7:55 PM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by turgid dahlia at 7:55 PM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think there may be several things going on here:
(1) "He's just not that into you," and when you lovingly presented him with nude photographs of yourself, it threw your different levels of interest in each other into stark relief.
(2) He questions your judgment and maturity, because, as at least one person upthread has mentioned, it's typically not appropriate to give nude photographs to a significant other after a couple of months.
(3) He's put off by your interest in nude photography of yourself, he considers you vain. The vanity that led you to have these photographs made, as well as to take nude photographs of yourself, etc., may be a quality he finds unattractive about you. (It is possible to think one's partner is incredibly beautiful, but still find it tacky and vain that one's partner is regularly taking/having taken nude photos of herself.)
(4) And as everyone else says, he may find it strange and off-putting that you had another man take the photos. How sexy can they be, if you were posing in front of a man who (you say) has no interest in you and is a good friend whose wife you're also friends with?
posted by jayder at 7:55 PM on March 2, 2009 [3 favorites]
(1) "He's just not that into you," and when you lovingly presented him with nude photographs of yourself, it threw your different levels of interest in each other into stark relief.
(2) He questions your judgment and maturity, because, as at least one person upthread has mentioned, it's typically not appropriate to give nude photographs to a significant other after a couple of months.
(3) He's put off by your interest in nude photography of yourself, he considers you vain. The vanity that led you to have these photographs made, as well as to take nude photographs of yourself, etc., may be a quality he finds unattractive about you. (It is possible to think one's partner is incredibly beautiful, but still find it tacky and vain that one's partner is regularly taking/having taken nude photos of herself.)
(4) And as everyone else says, he may find it strange and off-putting that you had another man take the photos. How sexy can they be, if you were posing in front of a man who (you say) has no interest in you and is a good friend whose wife you're also friends with?
posted by jayder at 7:55 PM on March 2, 2009 [3 favorites]
I'm just guessing here, but maybe your bf just didn't know how to react. I'm gay (thus most of my friends love porn and are comfortable with nudity), but I work with women who are incredibly uncomfortable with porn, nudity and overt sexuality. Your bf might have wondered how to react. As a sexually as a turn on, an erotic gesture? Perhaps an artistic statement that shouldn't be sexualized?
I think what you did is very cool, and definitely a very intimate gesture. Ideally BF would acknowledge this. But he may not be sure of how. Just guessing.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 8:02 PM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think what you did is very cool, and definitely a very intimate gesture. Ideally BF would acknowledge this. But he may not be sure of how. Just guessing.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 8:02 PM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
I missed this part:
To clarify, these are porn, not delicate photographic nudes done for artsy purposes. The ones I had shown him previously were done for former boyfriends, with whom I was in LDRs.
I think the fact that you were showing pink really amps up the ick factor here. Jesus Christ, , probably the only thing he could think about was "who took these?" There's something fundamentally weird about spreading your pastrami for some other guy.
Furthermore, you really should not have shown him the porn photos you had done for the other guys. You're basically shoving him right into the bedroom between you and your former lovers.
I think you really ought to reconsider your sense of boundaries and what's appropriate in a relationship.
posted by jayder at 8:03 PM on March 2, 2009 [9 favorites]
To clarify, these are porn, not delicate photographic nudes done for artsy purposes. The ones I had shown him previously were done for former boyfriends, with whom I was in LDRs.
I think the fact that you were showing pink really amps up the ick factor here. Jesus Christ, , probably the only thing he could think about was "who took these?" There's something fundamentally weird about spreading your pastrami for some other guy.
Furthermore, you really should not have shown him the porn photos you had done for the other guys. You're basically shoving him right into the bedroom between you and your former lovers.
I think you really ought to reconsider your sense of boundaries and what's appropriate in a relationship.
posted by jayder at 8:03 PM on March 2, 2009 [9 favorites]
To be fair, there's a time and a place for giving gifts.
I agree that the presentation could have been better. I just don't think the OP needs to feel guilty about what she's done, and some posters seem to be trying to shame her (not you, jayder).
She feels bad enough as it is. Try to answer her questions without all the judgment.
posted by Evangeline at 8:04 PM on March 2, 2009
I agree that the presentation could have been better. I just don't think the OP needs to feel guilty about what she's done, and some posters seem to be trying to shame her (not you, jayder).
She feels bad enough as it is. Try to answer her questions without all the judgment.
posted by Evangeline at 8:04 PM on March 2, 2009
If his reaction to your saying, "Here's naked pictures of me doing porn, honey!" was about as emotional as you saying, "Another spoonful of peas, dear?" then i propose one of two things has occurred: 1) He really, really likes peas, or 2) He's just not that into you.
You could talk to him about this but I doubt that will get anywhere. Nothing ever gets settled in one of those conversations.
Try breaking up with him. That should bring any unsaid issues to light, perhaps violently. But - you'll get your answer.
posted by mr_book at 8:05 PM on March 2, 2009
You could talk to him about this but I doubt that will get anywhere. Nothing ever gets settled in one of those conversations.
Try breaking up with him. That should bring any unsaid issues to light, perhaps violently. But - you'll get your answer.
posted by mr_book at 8:05 PM on March 2, 2009
It almost seems like it wasn't really a "gift". You show him these pix, on your laptop, and then apparently he's supposed to ask for copies himself. I might have reacted the same way.
Now, if you'd put them on a flash drive yourself, wrapped that up in a box, and given it to him, I might expect a different reaction. "Here's something for you, that you can enjoy in your own way" vs. "Look at this thing I have here that I made for you. Aren't you going to ask me for it?"
posted by chazlarson at 8:08 PM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
Now, if you'd put them on a flash drive yourself, wrapped that up in a box, and given it to him, I might expect a different reaction. "Here's something for you, that you can enjoy in your own way" vs. "Look at this thing I have here that I made for you. Aren't you going to ask me for it?"
posted by chazlarson at 8:08 PM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
There is some strange level of negativity here that I don't understand towards the OP. I would like to second what Grumblebee said. Talk to him, definitely and see what he is thinking/feeling. Also though he might have said and even thought he would be comfortable with said pictures, seeing them could have made him realize that maybe he had been deceiving himself. People often only think they know how they will react when presented with something. This might have happened to him. The only way to know for sure is to ask him. We can only begin to guess.
posted by Carillon at 8:14 PM on March 2, 2009
posted by Carillon at 8:14 PM on March 2, 2009
Evangeline, I don't think most people are judging her. I think we're just trying to explain her boyfriend's reaction. If it were me, I'd rather hear it was a mistake I made and can therefore correct than hear my boyfriend's not into me.
With that in mind - December, I absolutely understand how you feel, and it sounds like your heart was in the right place. But what you saw as a thoughtful gift and hey! Convenient time to present said gift! ...he might have seen as something else. You guys were talking about a thong contest. He offered to take your picture. He was probably hoping you'd be like, "Ohhhh yeahhhh, how about right now?" and the the sexytimes would commence. Instead, you pulled up some readymade porn of yourself that he took no part in, and all he got was the cold pixels of your previously-naked flesh. There are a dozen possible explanations, but the more you tell us about what happened, the more it sounds like he was offering you something and he didn't get the reaction he wanted.
But he's a nice guy, so he didn't have the heart to say it. Even when you asked. You guys still need to have a conversation. You made an honest mistake, and you meant the best. He's not communicating. That issue doesn't stop here.
posted by katillathehun at 8:15 PM on March 2, 2009 [6 favorites]
With that in mind - December, I absolutely understand how you feel, and it sounds like your heart was in the right place. But what you saw as a thoughtful gift and hey! Convenient time to present said gift! ...he might have seen as something else. You guys were talking about a thong contest. He offered to take your picture. He was probably hoping you'd be like, "Ohhhh yeahhhh, how about right now?" and the the sexytimes would commence. Instead, you pulled up some readymade porn of yourself that he took no part in, and all he got was the cold pixels of your previously-naked flesh. There are a dozen possible explanations, but the more you tell us about what happened, the more it sounds like he was offering you something and he didn't get the reaction he wanted.
But he's a nice guy, so he didn't have the heart to say it. Even when you asked. You guys still need to have a conversation. You made an honest mistake, and you meant the best. He's not communicating. That issue doesn't stop here.
posted by katillathehun at 8:15 PM on March 2, 2009 [6 favorites]
She feels bad enough as it is. Try to answer her questions without all the judgment.
I'm not being judgy, I'm just trying to figure out how I would react in such a situation. Since she's asking Metafilter, and not her boyfriend, I'm only throwing ideas out there.
Look, personally I'm of two minds about it. Yes, saucy pics of the girlfriend are a hot idea and a pretty cool gift and I'm sure December had the best intentions. But on the other hand, who the hell took these pictures and why are you showing them to me now?
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:26 PM on March 2, 2009
I'm not being judgy, I'm just trying to figure out how I would react in such a situation. Since she's asking Metafilter, and not her boyfriend, I'm only throwing ideas out there.
Look, personally I'm of two minds about it. Yes, saucy pics of the girlfriend are a hot idea and a pretty cool gift and I'm sure December had the best intentions. But on the other hand, who the hell took these pictures and why are you showing them to me now?
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:26 PM on March 2, 2009
The point is that the OP gave her boyfriend a gift and he barely reacted. It makes no difference whether the gift was porn or a Wii.
Disagree strongly: I don't see how this qualifies as a gift. Even if it did, some gifts are inappropriate. What is appropriate or inappropriate depends heavily on the gifter/giftee.
Consider: Is it appropriate to give nude pics of yourself to random co-workers? No.
So there are two questions: Was this seen as a gift by the OP's boyfriend? If it was a gift, was the gift seen as appropriate by the OP's boyfriend?
I'd say the answer to #1 is clearly "no". A couple of pics on your own laptap that you show your boyfriend while he's watching TV isn't a gift. That said, even if it was a gift I think the boyfriend clearly wouldn't be thrilled given he had previously hinted he'd want to be the one taking the photos.
posted by Justinian at 8:27 PM on March 2, 2009
Disagree strongly: I don't see how this qualifies as a gift. Even if it did, some gifts are inappropriate. What is appropriate or inappropriate depends heavily on the gifter/giftee.
Consider: Is it appropriate to give nude pics of yourself to random co-workers? No.
So there are two questions: Was this seen as a gift by the OP's boyfriend? If it was a gift, was the gift seen as appropriate by the OP's boyfriend?
I'd say the answer to #1 is clearly "no". A couple of pics on your own laptap that you show your boyfriend while he's watching TV isn't a gift. That said, even if it was a gift I think the boyfriend clearly wouldn't be thrilled given he had previously hinted he'd want to be the one taking the photos.
posted by Justinian at 8:27 PM on March 2, 2009
There are a dozen possible explanations, but the more you tell us about what happened, the more it sounds like he was offering you something and he didn't get the reaction he wanted.
Katilla makes a great point here: You're wondering what was up with his weird reaction. But he's probably wondering the same thing about you and in his mind, it was your reaction that was likely the strange one.
posted by Justinian at 8:29 PM on March 2, 2009
Katilla makes a great point here: You're wondering what was up with his weird reaction. But he's probably wondering the same thing about you and in his mind, it was your reaction that was likely the strange one.
posted by Justinian at 8:29 PM on March 2, 2009
Re timing of gift: our conversation segued into the pix, in that we were discussing a local thong contest and he offered to take my pic, to which I said, "Well...I actually already have some. Wanna see?" And the TV happened to be on in the background. So it was not a situation of him watching TV and my plopping down next to him; we were talking about sexy pix.
If I were in his position, I would very much not think the pictures were a gift for me. It's like you just had them and decided to show me, in which case I'm not sure what reaction to have or if I'm allowed to ask for copies. I certainly wouldn't know to be all, "Oh, how thoughtful, this is so sweet," or anything of the sort, because that would seem wildly presumptuous.
posted by Nattie at 9:04 PM on March 2, 2009
If I were in his position, I would very much not think the pictures were a gift for me. It's like you just had them and decided to show me, in which case I'm not sure what reaction to have or if I'm allowed to ask for copies. I certainly wouldn't know to be all, "Oh, how thoughtful, this is so sweet," or anything of the sort, because that would seem wildly presumptuous.
posted by Nattie at 9:04 PM on March 2, 2009
Response by poster: Thank you, everyone, these are very insightful and helpful thoughts. I appreciate the comment re taking a look at my boundaries in relationships. What I had intended was to do something intimate and a bit naughty for him and in retrospect, I see what I did was actually vain, and awkward for me and my boyfriend. I had wanted to give him something unusual and fun and it has clearly turned into a source of shame and confusion for me.
The pix aren't what jaydar describes as "showing the pink;" they're more soft core, nothing up close, not full frontal directly in your face kinda stuff, they're more at shadows and very skimpy-to-non-existent lingerie kinda stuff, topless, thong/butt shots, etc. In any case, I didn't think this through enough before doing it and I regret that. I'll behave very differently in the future and hope he isn't turned off by my attempt at showing my affection, however misguided.
Update: oddly enough, he just asked me if he could have the pix. Maybe he's reading this. I asked him again if he was disturbed by someone else playing photographer and he said no. In any case, I think it best if I jettison them because now they're a source of shame and not pride.
Thanks again, everyone. I know this was a weird one.
posted by December at 9:08 PM on March 2, 2009
The pix aren't what jaydar describes as "showing the pink;" they're more soft core, nothing up close, not full frontal directly in your face kinda stuff, they're more at shadows and very skimpy-to-non-existent lingerie kinda stuff, topless, thong/butt shots, etc. In any case, I didn't think this through enough before doing it and I regret that. I'll behave very differently in the future and hope he isn't turned off by my attempt at showing my affection, however misguided.
Update: oddly enough, he just asked me if he could have the pix. Maybe he's reading this. I asked him again if he was disturbed by someone else playing photographer and he said no. In any case, I think it best if I jettison them because now they're a source of shame and not pride.
Thanks again, everyone. I know this was a weird one.
posted by December at 9:08 PM on March 2, 2009
In any case, I think it best if I jettison them because now they're a source of shame and not pride.
Perhaps talk it through with him first? It seems that, if you talk it through with him, any misunderstanding could be remedied and your shame would go away. It does seem a shame that you went to such effort to have them taken and you're going to delete them.
posted by jayder at 9:16 PM on March 2, 2009
Perhaps talk it through with him first? It seems that, if you talk it through with him, any misunderstanding could be remedied and your shame would go away. It does seem a shame that you went to such effort to have them taken and you're going to delete them.
posted by jayder at 9:16 PM on March 2, 2009
December: I, too, hope you speak to your BF again before doing anything hasty. We're obviously speculating here.
I think it would be helpful to have a conversation about what happened with him.
posted by Justinian at 9:27 PM on March 2, 2009
I think it would be helpful to have a conversation about what happened with him.
posted by Justinian at 9:27 PM on March 2, 2009
Yes, please have an actual conversation with your boyfriend about this if you haven't already. Being willing to try to talk through the awkward or rough times is actually one of the essential ways couples build stronger, closer relationships.
posted by scody at 10:23 PM on March 2, 2009
posted by scody at 10:23 PM on March 2, 2009
When I was in my twenties, my beautiful young sweetie did several nude photo shoots outside in the forest with her female friends (no guys). But, they had to develop somewhere, and the most trustworthy place was a photography store where I knew *all* of the owners and employees (all guys).
It still annoys me to this day that my guy friends (and one who I did not like) got to see all of the photos of her, as well as photos I never was shown because they were of other female friends in the shoots. I wouldn't be surprised if the employee who I didn't like made a few extra copies to keep.
If your boyfriend is asking for copies now, give them to him and don't make a big deal about it. What's done is done, and he may really be fine with the situation. Ask him, "So, do you want to take pictures of me this weekend? *nudge nudge* *wink wink*"
posted by D.C. at 10:50 PM on March 2, 2009
It still annoys me to this day that my guy friends (and one who I did not like) got to see all of the photos of her, as well as photos I never was shown because they were of other female friends in the shoots. I wouldn't be surprised if the employee who I didn't like made a few extra copies to keep.
If your boyfriend is asking for copies now, give them to him and don't make a big deal about it. What's done is done, and he may really be fine with the situation. Ask him, "So, do you want to take pictures of me this weekend? *nudge nudge* *wink wink*"
posted by D.C. at 10:50 PM on March 2, 2009
I tell you what... judging by this post, I suspect you may have a bit of a problem with your communication, and it probably boils down to you not picking up some clue in a previous conversation, or possibly not really conveying clearly how you meant these photos in relation to him.
Take, for example, your expository style in this thread; first, you give so little information that guesses were bouncing around from "he's not into you" to "he's jealous and kind of pissed that some other guy saw you naked." Totally, totally different headspaces. You just didn't give enough info to do anything but guess wildly. It wasn't until more than halfway through the thread that you mention that at the time you gave him the photos (if that was even quite clear) to him, he had mentioned taking photos of you himself. That seems like a bit of critical info to have left out.
Then there's the fact that most people thought you meant boudoir photos, but then you corrected so that people thought you meant pretty serious hard core stuff, and now it seems back to something more akin to boudoir. So... yeah, I'm thinking that sometimes you have a problem with presenting information in a clear way, and the seeming strangeness of his response may have been sparked by something related to this. For instance, even though it was totally clear in your head that you had these made for him, that they were a special gift for him, that it was all about him, the way you actually voiced things may not have been that clear. "Oh, look - I happen to have some!" Him: "oh."
So, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if it was just awkward communication somewhere down the line, instead of awkward gift.
posted by taz at 11:19 PM on March 2, 2009 [6 favorites]
Take, for example, your expository style in this thread; first, you give so little information that guesses were bouncing around from "he's not into you" to "he's jealous and kind of pissed that some other guy saw you naked." Totally, totally different headspaces. You just didn't give enough info to do anything but guess wildly. It wasn't until more than halfway through the thread that you mention that at the time you gave him the photos (if that was even quite clear) to him, he had mentioned taking photos of you himself. That seems like a bit of critical info to have left out.
Then there's the fact that most people thought you meant boudoir photos, but then you corrected so that people thought you meant pretty serious hard core stuff, and now it seems back to something more akin to boudoir. So... yeah, I'm thinking that sometimes you have a problem with presenting information in a clear way, and the seeming strangeness of his response may have been sparked by something related to this. For instance, even though it was totally clear in your head that you had these made for him, that they were a special gift for him, that it was all about him, the way you actually voiced things may not have been that clear. "Oh, look - I happen to have some!" Him: "oh."
So, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if it was just awkward communication somewhere down the line, instead of awkward gift.
posted by taz at 11:19 PM on March 2, 2009 [6 favorites]
Yes, guys like porn. A lot.
However: Pictures of your girlfriend/wife (or mom/sister/gramma), no matter how objectively sexy or professionally shot, are NOT porn.
I won't go into a long thesis here, but suffice it to say that your bf's blasé reaction is perhaps evidence of his respect for you.
posted by turducken at 11:24 PM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
However: Pictures of your girlfriend/wife (or mom/sister/gramma), no matter how objectively sexy or professionally shot, are NOT porn.
I won't go into a long thesis here, but suffice it to say that your bf's blasé reaction is perhaps evidence of his respect for you.
posted by turducken at 11:24 PM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't read a whole lot of terrible stuff into his reaction, especially since he's asked you for them now. My hunch, without knowing any more than what you've presented, is that his reaction was less enthusiastic than you expected because he was watching TV and not necessarily in receptive state of mind. I think it was all about presentation in this case - if you had givn him the pictures on a thumb drive with "NSFW <3>
I also have noted, through anecdote and experience, that the way you feel about his reaction is not that uncommon. When a woman who is not a professional nekkid person does something like this, either taking pictures herself or having someone else take them, she's making herself vulnerable. We're really sensitive about the way our naked bodies look, and we're aware that we don't look like porn stars or models. In almost every case, men say "I like those. They're nice" and there's this panic - "Maybe I don't look good enough, maybe he doesn't really like my body, maybe he thinks this is gross OMG I AM DISGUSTING AAAUUUGGGHH!"
But here's the thing. He does mean that he likes them. There generally isn't any double meaning going on. He doesn't know what you've put yourself through to deliver him your gift of n00dz. I say don't worry too much about it unless he has a real problem ith you going to a photographer instead of taking them yourself.
posted by louche mustachio at 11:32 PM on March 2, 2009
I also have noted, through anecdote and experience, that the way you feel about his reaction is not that uncommon. When a woman who is not a professional nekkid person does something like this, either taking pictures herself or having someone else take them, she's making herself vulnerable. We're really sensitive about the way our naked bodies look, and we're aware that we don't look like porn stars or models. In almost every case, men say "I like those. They're nice" and there's this panic - "Maybe I don't look good enough, maybe he doesn't really like my body, maybe he thinks this is gross OMG I AM DISGUSTING AAAUUUGGGHH!"
But here's the thing. He does mean that he likes them. There generally isn't any double meaning going on. He doesn't know what you've put yourself through to deliver him your gift of n00dz. I say don't worry too much about it unless he has a real problem ith you going to a photographer instead of taking them yourself.
posted by louche mustachio at 11:32 PM on March 2, 2009
Sorry , the end of the first part should read - "I think it was all about presentation in this case - if you had givn him the pictures on a thumb drive with "NSFW" written on the end and put it in a jewelery box, it would have been different. "
posted by louche mustachio at 11:35 PM on March 2, 2009
posted by louche mustachio at 11:35 PM on March 2, 2009
To clarify, these are porn, not delicate photographic nudes done for artsy purposes.
That's it right there. Nudes != porn.
If I was in his position I would feel like our relationship had been violated.
posted by dunkadunc at 2:12 AM on March 3, 2009
That's it right there. Nudes != porn.
If I was in his position I would feel like our relationship had been violated.
posted by dunkadunc at 2:12 AM on March 3, 2009
I should have said: when they're taken by another guy.
posted by dunkadunc at 2:17 AM on March 3, 2009
posted by dunkadunc at 2:17 AM on March 3, 2009
My hunch, without knowing any more than what you've presented, is that his reaction was less enthusiastic than you expected because he was watching TV and not necessarily in receptive state of mind.
This occurred to me, too. I don't know if this is a general male trait or just my quirk, but I am MUCH poorer at multitasking than my wife. And what makes it worse is that I think I'm a better multitasker than I am.
So we get into this dynamic:
I'm watching TV, reading MeFi or doing something else. Whatever I'm doing may not even be that important. I may be watching some half-assed show that I don't like all that much. It doesn't matter. It's hard for me to pay partial-attention to something. So even if I'm watching something lame, I'm probably giving it my full attention.
Wife: I had a terrible day at the office, today.
Me [In an expressionless tone.]: Uh-huh. That's too bad.
Now, I love my wife, and I care much more about her day than I do about "Cops," but I just can't mentally switch over that fast. Unfortunately, like I said, I THINK I can switch over -- I think I HAVE switched over. Five seconds after I say, "Uh-huh. That's too bad," I'm probably thinking, "Oh, man! It sucks that she had another bad day. Poor thing!" And I don't even realize that my initial response was "meh."
If my wife calls my attention to it, I have to be really careful not to react in a bad way. I'm a bit ashamed of my one-track nature, and I'm VERY ashamed any time I hurt my wife's feelings, so it's easy for me to let shame make me defensive. I try not to do this, but sometimes I'm so hurt by her accusations that I'm not paying attention (because in my mind, it feels like I AM paying attention -- even though I'm not expressing it the right way), that I argue the fact or sulk. Bad behavior, I know.
Every wife wants to feel that she's so hot to her husband, he can be in the middle of unifying the fields, but if she enters the room naked, he'll instantly stop what he's doing and ravish her. Now, I'm deeply, deeply attracted to my wife, but my mind just doesn't work that way. If I'm focused on something and a bomb goes off, it still might take me a second to switch over. It has nothing to do with attraction. It's just how my dumb brain works. I totally understand how it comes across, though, and I try to make up for it as best I can.
If your bf is asking for the pics now, it may be because he really WANTS them. I've been in that situation, too:
Friend: You want some of this chocolate? It's amazing!
Me [watching tv]: whatever... sure.
Friend: Oh. Well! Sorry, I disturbed you!
Me [switching over]: Huh?
Friend: I was trying to be generous, but I guess I shouldn't have bothered.
Me: What are you talking about? I said "sure."
Friend: Yeah. You were REAL enthusiastic!
Me [defensive]: Hey! I don't know what your problem is. I said I WANTED some!
--- later --
Me [thinking]: Man, that chocolate looked really good!
posted by grumblebee at 6:28 AM on March 3, 2009 [7 favorites]
This occurred to me, too. I don't know if this is a general male trait or just my quirk, but I am MUCH poorer at multitasking than my wife. And what makes it worse is that I think I'm a better multitasker than I am.
So we get into this dynamic:
I'm watching TV, reading MeFi or doing something else. Whatever I'm doing may not even be that important. I may be watching some half-assed show that I don't like all that much. It doesn't matter. It's hard for me to pay partial-attention to something. So even if I'm watching something lame, I'm probably giving it my full attention.
Wife: I had a terrible day at the office, today.
Me [In an expressionless tone.]: Uh-huh. That's too bad.
Now, I love my wife, and I care much more about her day than I do about "Cops," but I just can't mentally switch over that fast. Unfortunately, like I said, I THINK I can switch over -- I think I HAVE switched over. Five seconds after I say, "Uh-huh. That's too bad," I'm probably thinking, "Oh, man! It sucks that she had another bad day. Poor thing!" And I don't even realize that my initial response was "meh."
If my wife calls my attention to it, I have to be really careful not to react in a bad way. I'm a bit ashamed of my one-track nature, and I'm VERY ashamed any time I hurt my wife's feelings, so it's easy for me to let shame make me defensive. I try not to do this, but sometimes I'm so hurt by her accusations that I'm not paying attention (because in my mind, it feels like I AM paying attention -- even though I'm not expressing it the right way), that I argue the fact or sulk. Bad behavior, I know.
Every wife wants to feel that she's so hot to her husband, he can be in the middle of unifying the fields, but if she enters the room naked, he'll instantly stop what he's doing and ravish her. Now, I'm deeply, deeply attracted to my wife, but my mind just doesn't work that way. If I'm focused on something and a bomb goes off, it still might take me a second to switch over. It has nothing to do with attraction. It's just how my dumb brain works. I totally understand how it comes across, though, and I try to make up for it as best I can.
If your bf is asking for the pics now, it may be because he really WANTS them. I've been in that situation, too:
Friend: You want some of this chocolate? It's amazing!
Me [watching tv]: whatever... sure.
Friend: Oh. Well! Sorry, I disturbed you!
Me [switching over]: Huh?
Friend: I was trying to be generous, but I guess I shouldn't have bothered.
Me: What are you talking about? I said "sure."
Friend: Yeah. You were REAL enthusiastic!
Me [defensive]: Hey! I don't know what your problem is. I said I WANTED some!
--- later --
Me [thinking]: Man, that chocolate looked really good!
posted by grumblebee at 6:28 AM on March 3, 2009 [7 favorites]
People have already said you need to talk to him. There are just so many things going on. In order to get the most out of the conversation I suggest the following: Tell him how you feel and tell him what you need.
He cannot know what is bothering you about this situation unless you tell him. It sounds like you are worried he doesn't feel you are attractive and that he may be unhappy with the pictures. Tell him how his reaction made you feel. If you need him to tell you he finds you attractive, he will, when asked. If you need to know if he had a problem with the photos, he will, after you explain why.
posted by Gor-ella at 6:49 AM on March 3, 2009
He cannot know what is bothering you about this situation unless you tell him. It sounds like you are worried he doesn't feel you are attractive and that he may be unhappy with the pictures. Tell him how his reaction made you feel. If you need him to tell you he finds you attractive, he will, when asked. If you need to know if he had a problem with the photos, he will, after you explain why.
posted by Gor-ella at 6:49 AM on March 3, 2009
Look, if you don't talk to him, email him. That would have probably been a more workable way to have this transaction in the first place.
re: Happy Valentine's Day, You Sexy Mofo
attachment: <3>
Not saying a word, not having a sit-down, just being sneakypervy, can be fun. That's not awkward. Giving porn to your boyfriend in a way that directly incorporates knowledge of who else you've shown yourself to sort of is awkward.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 8:12 AM on March 3, 2009
re: Happy Valentine's Day, You Sexy Mofo
attachment: <3>
Not saying a word, not having a sit-down, just being sneakypervy, can be fun. That's not awkward. Giving porn to your boyfriend in a way that directly incorporates knowledge of who else you've shown yourself to sort of is awkward.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 8:12 AM on March 3, 2009
he offered to take my pic, to which I said, "Well...I actually already have some. Wanna see?"
OUCH. That's not a "gift", it's a dagger in the heart. You're lucky your boyfriend was merely indifferent, I would have been visibly hurt. Of course, I would have probably would have tried to hide the hurt beneath indifference too.
And there's no point in talking about it. I hate how every relationshipfilter question is met with "Talk About It". No, don't "Talk About It". Most men don't want to "Talk About It". Learn to read people better. Use more common sense. If your boyfriend is jealous, he shouldn't need to talk about. It's emasculating to acknowledge it. Just don't pester him, and make this more of "a thing" than you've already made it. Get it all out of your system here, and let him be the one to initiate and lead any more mentions of these photos. Don't bring any more emotionality into the issue.
And for the future here are the sexy pictures rules:
What makes naked pictures titillating is if they are just a special secret between you and him. Don't bring other people into it. (unless you know he'd like some lezzie action photos)
Digital cameras make the sexiest dirty pics. Either email the bf surprise naked pics, or bring the camera into the bedroom as a special treat. Either way, print photos are probably unnecessary and less sexy. But if you do want to make prints, either do the development privately yourself in a darkroom, if you used a film camera, or use a digital camera photo printer.
posted by fucker at 5:12 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
OUCH. That's not a "gift", it's a dagger in the heart. You're lucky your boyfriend was merely indifferent, I would have been visibly hurt. Of course, I would have probably would have tried to hide the hurt beneath indifference too.
And there's no point in talking about it. I hate how every relationshipfilter question is met with "Talk About It". No, don't "Talk About It". Most men don't want to "Talk About It". Learn to read people better. Use more common sense. If your boyfriend is jealous, he shouldn't need to talk about. It's emasculating to acknowledge it. Just don't pester him, and make this more of "a thing" than you've already made it. Get it all out of your system here, and let him be the one to initiate and lead any more mentions of these photos. Don't bring any more emotionality into the issue.
And for the future here are the sexy pictures rules:
What makes naked pictures titillating is if they are just a special secret between you and him. Don't bring other people into it. (unless you know he'd like some lezzie action photos)
Digital cameras make the sexiest dirty pics. Either email the bf surprise naked pics, or bring the camera into the bedroom as a special treat. Either way, print photos are probably unnecessary and less sexy. But if you do want to make prints, either do the development privately yourself in a darkroom, if you used a film camera, or use a digital camera photo printer.
posted by fucker at 5:12 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
Also, you can practice with lighting and a digital camera timer on your own to make sexy pictures that are still creative and well done. Professional photography doesn't make pictures more titillating. Aesthetic effort makes them more into works of art, which reduces their sexual interpretation. This is why you can show fully nude photographs on TV if they are presented as "art". I remember Sesame Street cartoons with nipples and breasts, simply because they were depicting famous art.
The art/porn boundary could make receiving pictures like this a more awkward and confusing situation to navigate. I've had girlfriends give me naughty naked pictures in the past who were turned on by how horny and animalistic receiving the pictures made me. I've also had girlfriends give me framed artistic nude shots of them, who would have been pissed off and offended if I would have reacted in the same way. Blurring the lines between the two can make the situation more of an uncomfortable dilemma for the male. At least if you're rocking the MySpace angles in your bedroom with the digital camera, the bf can be completely confident you're making some dirty little cheesecake just for him.
posted by fucker at 5:38 PM on March 3, 2009
The art/porn boundary could make receiving pictures like this a more awkward and confusing situation to navigate. I've had girlfriends give me naughty naked pictures in the past who were turned on by how horny and animalistic receiving the pictures made me. I've also had girlfriends give me framed artistic nude shots of them, who would have been pissed off and offended if I would have reacted in the same way. Blurring the lines between the two can make the situation more of an uncomfortable dilemma for the male. At least if you're rocking the MySpace angles in your bedroom with the digital camera, the bf can be completely confident you're making some dirty little cheesecake just for him.
posted by fucker at 5:38 PM on March 3, 2009
this:
he had seen other nude pix I had done (albeit I did those by myself, with no help). He was quite pleased with those
is your only differing variable, so it may be that someone else taking the pictures is what is bothering him, but he might be playing it off too cool.
Also, now that he is asking for the pics, throwing them out would be insulting as well. You gave a gift, you can't take it back.
Now is the time to say 'well, here they are, now let's see your version', and pop out the camera...
Don't get all self conscious now, just have fun with it and him from here on out.
posted by Vaike at 5:55 PM on March 3, 2009
he had seen other nude pix I had done (albeit I did those by myself, with no help). He was quite pleased with those
is your only differing variable, so it may be that someone else taking the pictures is what is bothering him, but he might be playing it off too cool.
Also, now that he is asking for the pics, throwing them out would be insulting as well. You gave a gift, you can't take it back.
Now is the time to say 'well, here they are, now let's see your version', and pop out the camera...
Don't get all self conscious now, just have fun with it and him from here on out.
posted by Vaike at 5:55 PM on March 3, 2009
Here I speak only personally, but if a girlfriend did this for me I would probably be a little underwhelmed - both because she'd given me photos of her being naked, which I enjoy seeing in real life all the time anyway, except some other guy took them, and also because I'm just not that excited by this kind of photo, really, it doesn't do that much for me, and
I say that as someone who does like looking at porn from time to time, but that's different - but I think
if I could see you'd made a big effort I'd go through the motions of saying, "Oh wow" etc.
posted by cincinnatus c at 4:20 PM on March 2 [3 favorites +] [!]
Seconding this post. (Too much to read above.) There's a difference between porn and a picture of a loved one. It's hard to articulate this. A loved one pretending to be a porn model is a little ... embarrassing. I'd feel that for unknown reasons my great girlfriend had suddenly decided to be extremely tacky. She would prefer that I have lustful fantasies about her, rather than our real relationship? Sorry if this is inarticulate; maybe s.o. above has said it better.
posted by JimN2TAW at 5:42 AM on March 4, 2009
I say that as someone who does like looking at porn from time to time, but that's different - but I think
if I could see you'd made a big effort I'd go through the motions of saying, "Oh wow" etc.
posted by cincinnatus c at 4:20 PM on March 2 [3 favorites +] [!]
Seconding this post. (Too much to read above.) There's a difference between porn and a picture of a loved one. It's hard to articulate this. A loved one pretending to be a porn model is a little ... embarrassing. I'd feel that for unknown reasons my great girlfriend had suddenly decided to be extremely tacky. She would prefer that I have lustful fantasies about her, rather than our real relationship? Sorry if this is inarticulate; maybe s.o. above has said it better.
posted by JimN2TAW at 5:42 AM on March 4, 2009
To me, I don't think there is something less sexy than some dude taking nude photos of my girlfriend. A valentines email with some macbook/web cam photos in my opinion would be 10x sexier.
posted by mattsweaters at 6:55 PM on March 4, 2009
posted by mattsweaters at 6:55 PM on March 4, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
I suggest asking him.
posted by rhapsodie at 4:12 PM on March 2, 2009