Love After Sex

February 16, 2009 8:19 AM

So what's next after sex in a relationship?

We've been going out for a few months now and just this last weekend had sex for the first time. Up until now we had that milestone to guide our relationship, but now I feel a little lost. Like we were in a tunnel, walking towards the opening at one end, and now we've reached the outside and there's no longer one point that we are advancing towards. It's a little bit scary, to say the least. Wonderful, but scary. Neither of us has ever been in a long term relationship before, so we're both a little unsure about what to do now, where to go from here...

Just looking for general advice mainly. We're both big readers, so book recommendations would be welcome as well.

posted by symbollocks to human relations (26 comments total)

Sex is a journey, not a destination. Just keep doing it. It gets better. You're way overthinking this, IMHO.
posted by Chairboy at 8:23 AM on February 16 [4 favorites]

Just living your lives, being the best people you can, and seeing if yours fits into the other person's.

And more sex.
posted by Danf at 8:28 AM on February 16 [5 favorites]

You don't need a point to advance towards. Enjoy each other's company, and enjoy the sex, and enjoy life. At some point one or both of you may want to, say, move in together, and/or get married, or some other major formal change - but these aren't really goals to work toward so much as changes that will come more or less naturally as your relationship grows.

...also, as Chairboy says, sex itself is far from a destination. Or if you really need an analogy, yes you just emerged from a tunnel, but the outside has a freaking playground. Go check out the monkey-bars, they're awesome.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:28 AM on February 16 [6 favorites]

Surprise: relationships, like life, do not reach a point of apotheosis where everything just falls into place and where growth and change are perfected and thus cease. On the contrary, your life, and your partners, will continue to develop and progress in much the same way that they did before you did the deed.

The point of relationships, and sex as part of relationships, is not to get to some destination known and identified ahead of time but to be together. They, and the people in them, are supposed to be ends in themselves, not means to external ends. Do whatever you were doing before, only do it with two sets of eyes, hands, etc.
posted by valkyryn at 8:29 AM on February 16 [6 favorites]

Babies are next. Then teenagers. After that you'll be back where you are now, but it won't be so scary.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:32 AM on February 16 [3 favorites]

to answer your question:

the following milestones that some people observe:

half anniversary
one-year mark
the FIRST exchange of 'i love you' (assuming this hasn't happened)
meeting family
moving in together

note: this is not my natural progression order, but things that may happen during the course of a long term relationship that one or both people can look forward to
posted by alice ayres at 8:34 AM on February 16

More sex? Seriously, it's not so much a milestone as a fact that you're comfortable enough around each other. Enjoy it, grow in your knowledge of each other, genuinely try to please them, cuddle, and think less of the long-term than the short-term. Maybe one day it'll lead to the marriage and a mortgage and the 2.3 kids... but for right now, just enjoy it :)
posted by chrisinseoul at 8:36 AM on February 16

Just think of it as friendship. You wouldn't set a milestone to reach for with a new friend. You spend time together because it's fun and you enjoy each other.
posted by gt2 at 8:37 AM on February 16

There are some wonderful things mentioned here but I'd also like to point out that "sex" is not one singular activity, in the same vein that lifting weights is not one activity. There are a ton of variations on how you do it that will keep you excited about it.

I would stress that you stop looking at your relationship in terms of goals achieved; the progress you achieve in a relationship is largely impossible to quantify. That doesn't mean you're not working towards something, you're just rarely sure exactly what it is.
posted by David Fleming at 8:55 AM on February 16

We have the need to justify everything, to make everything good or bad or right or wrong, when it is just the way it is. We accumulate a lot of knowledge. We learn beliefs, morals, and rules from our family, society, or religion. We base most of our behavior, most of our feelings, on that knowledge. We create angels and demons, heaven and hell, and for some very odd reason, sex sometimes causes guilt, or at the least confusion.

You are a biological, sexual being. Your body is wise. All that intelligence is in your DNA. The DNA doesn't need to understand or justify everything, it just knows. The problem isn't with sex. The problem is the way we manipulate the knowledge and our judgments, when there is really nothing to justify. It is very hard for the mind to surrender, to accept that it's just the way it is. We have a whole set of beliefs about what sex should be, about what relationships should be, and these beliefs are completely distorted.

You are not guilty. You will not be judged. Don't punish yourself with too much analysis. Simply enjoy this wonderful time in your new relationship and your life. So what is next? I recommend a book titled The Mastery of Love.
posted by netbros at 8:57 AM on February 16

Not the destination but the journey &c.
posted by ook at 9:01 AM on February 16

Next step is farting in front of the other.
posted by DieHipsterDie at 9:26 AM on February 16 [14 favorites]

I think the above advice is generally good in that you don't necessarily need (or want) a long term relationship to be a "to do" list. However, if you're feeling anxious because you don't have a guideline or general sense of where the relationship is going, that's something to think about. Are you hoping that the relationship will lead to living together? marriage? kids? Or are you not thinking about those things at this point? I think you need to sort out why this new situation--not having a guideline or goal in mind--makes you uneasy.

You've been together for a few months. For some people, that might be too little time to start talking about long-term things--at least in specifics. But I can't see the harm in talking about what each of you is looking to do in the next year or so, both in terms of your own individual plans and how each of you sees the other's life fitting into those plans. You may be able to work out further "guidelines" for the relationship at the same time as you ease out of the rigid "step one: date, step two: sex, step three: oh no! what's step three?" way of thinking about it.
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:30 AM on February 16

symbollocks: So what's next after sex in a relationship?

What's next is you both figure out how to answer this question. The sinking feeling of dread that you feel is your own mutual subconscious awareness of the fact that no one in the whole godforsaken world can answer this big question but you; it's your life to do with as you choose.

Just looking for general advice mainly.

Spend lots of time together. Pay close attention to each other. Let the natural question about where you'll be in ten years settle on you gradually. Think about the ways in which you and she don't make a very good match, and try to figure out how to compensate.

There was supposed to be more, but the great master was struck down before my final lesson. All I know is that, as I knelt over his dying body, he smiled at me and whispered: "You will know when the time is right, my son."

*cough cough* "Also, don't leave the toilet seat up."
posted by koeselitz at 9:43 AM on February 16

This question is like asking "what's next after driving at 16/voting at 18/drinking at 21?".

life
posted by sunshinesky at 9:44 AM on February 16 [2 favorites]

Dont make the mistake in elevating "sex" to such a glorified status, that afterwards you think there isnt any other activity as deep or meaningful - because there are plenty. The way I look at relationships, is that every activity you share together (cooking, playing games, doing stuff outside, showering, whatever else) is an opportunity to learn something about the other person (and how the two of you interact). The things you do for (and with) each other are opportunities to understand each other in a deeper way, and find out what works and what doesnt work. Dont be so rigid in your thinking that everything has to be mapped out with guidelines. Relax a little bit.. enjoy each moment called "NOW" and you will appreciate things more fully. Relationships are not tasks to be accomplished.
posted by jmnugent at 9:45 AM on February 16

Next is overthinking your relationship. You'll get over this eventually if it doesn't kill the relationship first.

Less flippantly? I mean, what are you looking for, further milestones? In general, though there is plenty of diversity in individual approaches, next step is moving in together, and after that getting engaged, and after that getting married, and after that buying a house, having kids, emptying the nest, retiring, growing old together, dying. Splitting up may occur prior to any of these phases other than dying, which is the ultimate split up.

For the moment your next step should probably be "getting good at sex". As a person who's never been in a long term relationship and seems to be thinking of sex as the last perceptible relationship milestone, chances are you aren't, particularly, yet. Practice, practice, practice. Communicate. Try not to take shit for granted. Get used to not really being sure what the fuck is going on.
posted by nanojath at 9:52 AM on February 16 [1 favorite]

Now? All the long-term investment in the personal stuff that builds intimacy, companionship, trust, compassion, and love - all the things that make up a partnership, and happily, along with a bit of practice and dedication, lead over the coming years to really good sex.

And yes, farting and going to the loo in front of each other is a good sign that you're getting there... it's all trust and intimacy, just in different forms.

When you're on a really good journey, the milestones don't really matter. They're something to acknowledge, enjoy, and if you want, celebrate, but they're not the point, nor something to get hung up on.

And you've got every sex 'box' under the sun to tick, depending on your imagination and preferences*. So get off the internet and onto each other!

*Again, it's a journey. Don't get hung up about where you are on the list.
posted by dowcrag at 10:06 AM on February 16

Being friends.

I've had sex with women I can't stand ... more than once ... bc sex is awesome, but it's not the be all and end all.
posted by LilBucner at 10:08 AM on February 16

The next step is learning something new about each other, each day, every day, for the rest of your relationship.
posted by jabberjaw at 10:24 AM on February 16

Don't overthink it. You like where you are, right? Enjoy it. Have fun together, and just be.
posted by JuiceBoxHero at 10:39 AM on February 16

more sex. it keeps getting better.
posted by randomstriker at 11:41 AM on February 16

Better, dirtier, naughtier sex.
posted by vito90 at 12:14 PM on February 16 [1 favorite]

My wife insists that the things that come after sex in a relationship are

• Snoring
• Farting in bed
• Stealing the duvet

I maintain a dignified silence on the matter...
posted by pharm at 3:05 PM on February 16 [1 favorite]

So what's next after sex in a relationship?

Good sex.

You get to start communicating about what you both like and dislike. Maybe venturing out into kinks and fetishes.
posted by silkygreenbelly at 5:35 PM on February 16

Backgammon.
posted by coppermoss at 5:51 PM on February 16 [2 favorites]