What else could I have said in this situation? (NSFW)

February 3, 2009 9:56 AM

What else could I have said in this situation? (NSFW)

When I met my girlfriend (Diane), she was a virgin. She was waiting for marriage. For the first couple months of the relationship, we would fool around up to the point of sex but never go that far - or even tease the boundary. Our point of view was that we didn't want to risk temptation. The boundary began to get teased before long.

We would do the whole, "just put it in a little bit" routine. I would pull out, or she would get up before anything happened (read: breaking the hymen).

Some time last month, we were getting intimate and it got to the "put it in" part. I was about to pull out, but she told me to go deeper. I did, and it broke.

There was a moment of silence and shock. Then questioning ("Did it really break?" "Yep, there's blood."). Now, as a male, I'm not known for being smart. The first word out of my mouth was, "Oops."

We had sex for a few more minutes after that before stopping because of no condom.

Diane isn't crushed because of losing her virginity before she was ready. Nor does she hold any resentment against me. Surprisingly, she doesn't even hold the "Oops" against me - It's actually a point of chuckle for us.

Tonight, we were playfully bickering and she brought it up saying, "I mean, seriously: 'Oops'?!"

To which I responded, "Well, what else could I have said?" And there was silence.

AskMeFi: What else could I have said? We've played around with the "I love you" line, but that could possibly have made it seem like I planned to take her virginity.

Request: I'm not looking for any answers besides ones pertaining directly to my question. We just want to know if there was anything else that could have been said in this instance better than, "Oops" that wouldn't have ruined the mood, nor made it seem like I planned the whole thing.

posted by anonymous to human relations (67 comments total)

"Yeah, baby!"
posted by plexi at 10:00 AM on February 3 [6 favorites]

I don't think oops is that bad, honestly.

This isnt that big of a deal really, unless you make it one.

Also, always use a condom from the start, there is still sperm in precum and that is a much much bigger oops.
posted by BobbyDigital at 10:03 AM on February 3 [16 favorites]

Whether you go on to a LTR with her or not, this seems like a lovely moment, which will be the source of smiles for both of you, in the future. It's not like YOU did something to HER. . .it seemed mutual.

My wife and I always accuse one another of making the first move (she TOTALLY did) and lo all these years later, it is still a source of humor.

May you have a similar happy experience with this shared memory.
posted by Danf at 10:05 AM on February 3 [2 favorites]

I'm not getting the connection between what happened and the possibility that you may have "planned the whole thing". To be honest, "oops" gave me a chuckle and I don't see anything wrong with it. You were truly in the moment.

I think- your body language, rather than what you said, matters the most and could have made up for any awkwardness, real or perceived. Did you scoop her up and kiss her?
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 10:06 AM on February 3

"Oops" that wouldn't have ruined the mood, nor made it seem like I planned the whole thing.

I think it is much more likely that the unplanned 'barrier breaking' (hymen notwithstanding) element was what broke the mood. "Ooops" is a perfectly respectable word for something you didn't mean to do.

Basically, you both consciously decided to push the boundaries that you initially set. That barrier was broken, but it really isn't a big deal what was said when it was done. One or both of you is really over analysing this, possibly through regret (although not necessarily "I didn't want to do that" regret, just regret over the loss of the promise to wait being made null).
posted by Brockles at 10:11 AM on February 3

It's classier than saying "oh shit!" which is probably what I would have said. Thinking of all the worse things you could have said may make you feel a little more well-spoken.
posted by GuyZero at 10:11 AM on February 3 [5 favorites]

"Oops" isn't bad. Another option would be to convey that you know you just shared a significant moment, that you feel tenderness and concern for her, and that you want to know how she feels in this significant moment -- something like "are you okay?" or an affectionate term (anything sweet you call each other, e.g., "my little cupcake") said with concern and questioning.

P.S. Use a condom even in those early moments.
P.P.S. I agree with decathecting that the moment of virginity had already passed. But it's not our opinion that matters; it's hers and yours.
posted by salvia at 10:11 AM on February 3 [3 favorites]

"oops" sure beats "I'm sorry" in bed any day. You're over-thinking this.
posted by sunshinesky at 10:11 AM on February 3 [1 favorite]

First off it's no one's fault. Both of you were having sex (sort of). If she truly wanted to wait until marriage then the bottoms would have stayed on. That being said, do something romantic for her. She is probably feeling weird right now mixed with a little regret. Doing something sweet for her will get her mind off of things.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 10:11 AM on February 3 [1 favorite]

First.
posted by BobbyVan at 10:14 AM on February 3 [70 favorites]

Frankly, I think "oops" is fantastic. Its light, funny, and poignant in the context of your relationship. And it makes a much better story than if you had said something flowery and cliched. What makes it special is not the words themselves, but the fact that it is a moment that the two of you shared.

So the answer to your question -

What else could I have said in this situation?

- is: lots of things, but they likely wouldn't have been any better than "oops."
posted by googly at 10:14 AM on February 3 [4 favorites]

Well, given that she told you go to deeper, I have a feeling she knew exactly what was going on. "Oops" wasn't that bad a thing to say, and all thing considered could be read as fun in sort of a self-deprecating way. Don't lose any sleep over it.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 10:15 AM on February 3 [1 favorite]

I'm someone who wants and asks for very clear feedback from my sex partners so I would have said, "Are you OK, with this?" first thing. I don't want something that important going unsaid.

After the heat of the moment had cooled might have been a better time to let her no that it was not a premeditated act on your part. (Which is what I'm assuming you meant by "oops.")

For whatever its worth I don't think you did anything terribly wrong from what you have said here. Situations like that are not exactly covered in the playbook and I don't think there is any perfect thing to say at a time like that.

On preview what everyone else who types faster than me said.
posted by Bango Skank at 10:16 AM on February 3 [1 favorite]

To which I responded, "Well, what else could I have said?" And there was silence.

Silence does not necessarily mean "You screwed up." It may mean, "I don't know." She doesn't know, you don't know (because you're asking us), we don't know for sure, so her silence is not a big deal. As a female (not a virgin) my best guess as to what I would like to hear is "Wow, I got so excited by you that I went further than I intended." ONLY SAY I LOVE YOU IF YOU REALLY MEAN IT. And don't say it for the first time during sex; in my world it doesn't count because there are too many hormones flying around.
posted by desjardins at 10:23 AM on February 3 [2 favorites]

Yeah, I think "oops" is probably exactly what I would have said too.
posted by number9dream at 10:27 AM on February 3

OK, it sounds like this is part of friendly banter. The "we" part of it seems like you just don't know what the answer is the both of you and the both of you are asking what might have been a better thing to say. I'm taking the question as not that she had an issue with what was said, but that the silence was indicative that she couldn't have thought of something better either and you're wondering what we have to say.

Nice thing to say: "I know that this isn't the way you had planned this, but I think you are very special and I am glad that it happened with someone who has real feelings for you."

Bad thing to say: "First!" as indicated above.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:32 AM on February 3 [2 favorites]

Oops seems okay to me; I'd've said it.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 10:32 AM on February 3

"oops" is cute. but do something nice for her, like the previous poster said. some flowers or something.
posted by Lleyam at 10:33 AM on February 3

Really, "oops!" sounds fine to my ears -- it was honest and as unpremeditated as was your easing in that extra inch.

But if she's not on the pill, and you aren't using some sort of other contraceptive method (and especially if you aren't a virgin and haven't gotten an HIV test recently), you need to staple this to your forehead:

Also, always use a condom from the start, there is still sperm in precum and that is a much much bigger oops.

Condoms are no fun, but unwanted babies and STDs are even less fun.

At this point, I think what you need to do is stop second-guessing what you said then, and instead spend some time reassuring her that you love her, that you respect her and her decisions, that you will take full responsibility for safe sex and won't go slipping it in without a raincoat on, and that if she needs to take a little bit of a break from the sex play to reassess how she feels, that's totally ok with you.

Those aren't things that you should have said then, but they are things that you need to say now.
posted by Forktine at 10:35 AM on February 3 [2 favorites]

"Oops" sums it up pretty well, I think. It expresses the fact that it that act was an accident, but not one you regard as disastrous. And it's better than, "Uh oh", "Oh dear", or "Fuck!" (though this one would have worked on a nice literal basis), all of which contain much more negative connotations.

I suppose you might have more been more graceful and recited some carpe diem poetry or an apt Latin motto such as Sic transit gloria mundi ("Thus passes the glory of the world"), but honestly, I doubt you had those at the ready for what was, after all, accidental and unexpected.
posted by orange swan at 10:43 AM on February 3 [1 favorite]

"Had we but world enough, and time..."
posted by shmegegge at 11:03 AM on February 3 [3 favorites]

"By the beard of great Zeus! Your maidenhead provided scant resistance to my virility!"
posted by malocchio at 11:03 AM on February 3 [40 favorites]

*Hymen, oh hymen - you are lost to the world forever*

?
posted by watercarrier at 11:04 AM on February 3

"Well, you can't unring a bell..."
posted by hermitosis at 11:08 AM on February 3

anonymous: We had sex for a few more minutes after that before stopping because of no condom...
We just want to know if there was anything else that could have been said in this instance better than, "Oops" that wouldn't have ruined the mood, nor made it seem like I planned the whole thing.

Doesn't seem like "Oops" ruined the mood! Now doing a Jerry Lewis impression: that may have ruined the mood (YMMV).
posted by not_on_display at 11:16 AM on February 3

What you said was fine. It's amusing, and I think you both may be overthinking things slightly.
posted by cmgonzalez at 11:18 AM on February 3

I don't see a problem with "oops". I think it's cute, actually.

But -- are you sure her silence was upset? And if you think it may be -- and I have a feeling you're a little concerned about that -- have you talked to her about this, and what she thinks?

It sounds like she's pretty much okay with it, but may be going through occasional twinges of "omigod what did I do" over the whole thing; not that I'm saying she has lasting regrets, it's just that this may be a touch of a mindfuck for her and some parts of her psyche may still be wrapping themselves around it all, a little.

But "oops" is fine. You were in the middle of having sex, very few of us are erudite in those circumstances.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:21 AM on February 3

"Don't worry. You still have the box it came in."

Or perhaps not...
posted by tim_in_oz at 11:23 AM on February 3 [10 favorites]

YAHTZEE.
posted by The Straightener at 11:57 AM on February 3 [8 favorites]

I think this story is adorable.
posted by granted at 12:16 PM on February 3 [2 favorites]

I think "oops" is rather endearing. But the rest of it, read no condom, is absolutely playing with fire.
posted by cbp at 12:25 PM on February 3 [1 favorite]

Yelling "YES WE CAN" would probably have been tacky.
posted by scrump at 12:33 PM on February 3 [2 favorites]

Anything that occurs during your first time that you can laugh about later is a good thing.

You two need to talk about condoms, though--even if you don't plan on continuing sexual activity, you've both seen that effects of a temporary loss of willpower.

And honestly, given what you've already done, I'd put money on sex becoming frequent over the next few months. The "just the tip!" time period isn't one that can be sustained long without driving both of you to mild insanity.
posted by Benjy at 12:37 PM on February 3

To which I responded, "Well, what else could I have said?" And there was silence.

She doesn't know what else could have been said. But that's not the point.

The point is, you're defending something that's arguably lame, dismissing possible criticism of it and not holding the moment in any esteem. She may be thinking, "I'm going to remember THIS jackhole for the rest of my life?"

You say: "What else could I have said?"

She hears: "Look, slugger, the loss of your virginity really isn't all that important to me. Sure, a smarter, wiser guy may have said something more appropriate, romantic and memorable, but I'm not a smart, wise, romantic kinda guy. But now you're stuck with me. Bummer for you."

.
.
.

By the way, your next move is to BUY HER FLOWERS.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:52 PM on February 3 [3 favorites]

All I can think of would be asking her if she was okay. Oops isn't bad.

Depending on your relationship "I love you" might've been awkward (or something you were supposed to say, especially if neither of you have said it to each other), and any lengthy speech about "this is special for you"... doesn't seem natural or in the moment.
posted by itesser at 12:59 PM on February 3

What else could you have said in this situation?

If she's a sports fan, I'd recommend:

Goooooooooal!!!
posted by found missing at 1:15 PM on February 3 [1 favorite]

Oops is great! It's funny to look back on. 'Sorry' and 'oh crap' make it seem like there might be regrets from either side.

Asking if she's OK would've been good too, but not as fun. Just make sure you're there for her if she wants to talk about it ever, even if she wants to talk about it 10 times, or some other ridiculous amount. It's nice to know that a guy would listen for as long as it takes for thoughts to calm down.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 1:17 PM on February 3

This is not a "cute story." Are you people crazy? The correct thing to say would have been, "Let's go get some Plan B, honey."
posted by footnote at 1:27 PM on February 3 [3 favorites]

were i your gf, i may have heard the "oops!" as a you're-not-taking-this-very-seriously, whimsical kind of utterance. maybe i would have preferred a "i'm sorry!" making it clear that your first concern was how i was feeling about my sudden de-flowering.
posted by anthropomorphic at 2:08 PM on February 3 [1 favorite]

also SERIOUSLY with the plan b.
posted by anthropomorphic at 2:08 PM on February 3 [3 favorites]

It sounds like what you said was honest- It was an oops, it was your oops, and really I don't think the English language has come up with a word specifically referring to that sort of oops yet. Although it sounds a little better than the "Ohmygod ohmygod... I didn't realize it was so slippery and it just went in" frantic babbling that my, um, "friend" heard when she lost her virginity ;)

Glad you two can talk about it and there isn't any resentment on either side.
posted by variella at 2:12 PM on February 3

*shrug*... "In for a penny, in for a pound."
posted by dgaicun at 2:46 PM on February 3

I think you're asking the wrong question, considering this:

I was about to pull out, but she told me to go deeper. I did, and it broke.

She asked you to continue, there's no need for you to feel sorrowful or wonder about do overs or what you should have said.

You two have been playing games with sex (whether you realize it or not) and now you've learned that it stirs up a lot of powerful feelings and shouldn't be toyed with because it can change what you want. Get off the internet, get some birth control (don't toy around with that) and then get busy (if you both want to).
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:52 PM on February 3 [3 favorites]

It's a cute story, but, yeah. Wear a condom, even if you don't plan on having an orgasm inside her. You can still get her pregnant, even if you pull out before coming.
posted by EarBucket at 2:55 PM on February 3 [3 favorites]

The "oops" was fine, it's the "what else could I have said" that would have bugged me.
posted by arcticwoman at 2:58 PM on February 3 [1 favorite]

We had sex for a few more minutes after that before stopping because of no condom.

Ahhhhhh! Bad bad bad bad bad!

This is dangerous. As everyone else has said, you can get her pregnant with just that, and that's a big "Oops" if you're not ready for children yet.
posted by losvedir at 3:24 PM on February 3 [1 favorite]

"ARE YOU ENJOYING THIS SEXY SEX?"
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:07 PM on February 3 [11 favorites]

Oops isn't bad at all. An acquaintance of mine in high school, when having sex for the first time with his sort-of girlfriend, chose to say this: "You know I don't love you".

That right there is the worst thing you could have possibly said. I still cringe repeating the story.

In any case, you need to start using birth control immediately.
posted by malphigian at 4:34 PM on February 3 [2 favorites]

I was about to pull out, but she told me to go deeper. I did, and it broke.

Why is it an "oops" if she *told* you to go deeper? What did you both think would happen?
posted by marble at 4:34 PM on February 3

BOHICA!
posted by McGuillicuddy at 4:48 PM on February 3 [1 favorite]

Nooooo!
posted by GuyZero at 4:57 PM on February 3 [1 favorite]

(People throwing around the Plan B recommendation are right about the slight risk of pregnancy, but they are not considering or not mentioning that it makes some people puke or at least feel totally nauseous for a day or so, and so it's not something you just swallow like a couple of Advil.)
posted by salvia at 5:22 PM on February 3

"Achievement Unlocked"
posted by cheeken at 5:26 PM on February 3 [8 favorites]

I suppose you could have gotten a laugh with "Well, I guess you get to break mine now" or "Hiya, Pinata!" but I think "Oops" was just fine.
posted by davejay at 5:31 PM on February 3

"Achievement Unlocked"

Level up! Hah!
posted by davejay at 5:31 PM on February 3

JUMANJI!
posted by diocletian at 5:37 PM on February 3 [1 favorite]

Uno!
posted by NikitaNikita at 7:09 PM on February 3 [1 favorite]

"Y'know, in some cultures, you're now my property."

Then I suspect both of your parents, several bobbies, someone's pastor and a women wearing a garterbelt under her dress would appear and there'd be some sort of chase set to "Yakety Sax."
posted by codswallop at 7:27 PM on February 3 [2 favorites]

"Crap. Hang on, let me grab the ducttape"
posted by HFSH at 7:56 PM on February 3

footnote writes "Are you people crazy? The correct thing to say would have been, 'Let's go get some Plan B, honey.'"

That is a bit of a non sequitur; breaking a hymen doesn't lead to pregnancy. And it's entirely possible that Diane is already on the pill.
posted by Mitheral at 7:59 PM on February 3

I was about to pull out, but she told me to go deeper. I did, and it broke.

Why is it an "oops" if she *told* you to go deeper? What did you both think would happen?
This is probably why she is dissatisfied with your response... Were you aware of what was happening? Did you not understand when she told you to go deeper what that meant? You were nervous and excited so you might not have processed the whole thing, but in retrospect perhaps she just wishes you were a little more present at what she considers an important moment...
posted by mdn at 10:43 PM on February 3 [2 favorites]

TA-DA!!!
posted by hal_c_on at 11:43 PM on February 3 [2 favorites]

breaking a hymen doesn't lead to pregnancy. And it's entirely possible that Diane is already on the pill.

No, they were not using any birth control. The OP wrote that that's why they stopped. And the withdrawal method most certainly CAN lead to pregnancy. This situation may not have been the most risky, but the whole story -- says she wants to be a virgin, playing with the boundaries, then OOPS! -- is exactly what leads to an OOPS baby eventually. It's so common that it's been documented by social scientists. So having some Plan B on hand in case there's another more serious OOPS would be the right thing to do, and taking some Plan B in this instance would not be an overreaction for a girl who really wanted to avoid pregnancy.

Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning safe sex?
posted by footnote at 6:28 AM on February 4

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL !

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL !

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL !
posted by buzzv at 10:01 AM on February 4 [1 favorite]

footnote writes "No, they were not using any birth control. The OP wrote that that's why they stopped."

The OP wrote: "We had sex for a few more minutes after that before stopping because of no condom." No Condom != No birth control.

And considering this happened last month it is kind of late to be taking plan B in this instance.
posted by Mitheral at 3:46 PM on February 4

Bonzai!!
posted by inigo2 at 4:17 PM on February 7

I'd probably have said, "There she goes!" Followed soon by, "Did it hurt? It wasn't so bad, right?" Yes, I know this makes me sound like a rapist.
posted by wackybrit at 10:14 AM on May 30