How should I respond to sincere, respeated requests for a blumpy?

January 2, 2009 5:26 PM

NSFW: My boyfriend and I (a woman) have explored many sexual fantasies together - but how should I respond to his desire for a blumpy?

It's the only thing he keeps asking for, after six very happy, exploratory years together, but I really don't want to. How can I a) respond humorously to his repeated requests for a head job while shitting, and b) let him know that this is not something I will agree to, regardless of how much we love each other, while c) letting him know he is loved and wanted and that d) I'm happy to explore many, many things, but not this? I'm far from a prude, but it's starting to become a bit of an obsession (more so after he found (recently) it has a name and thus decided that rule 34 is a goal, not commentary, and it's up to us to create it if we can't find it). Thanks, hivemind!

posted by anonymous to human relations (33 comments total)

Refer him to Dan Savage, who lists excrement-related, animal-related and child-related requests as exemptions from being GGG.
posted by Maias at 5:36 PM on January 2 [3 favorites has favorites]

Show him this post? Seems clear and inoffensive enough to me.
posted by Mwongozi at 5:36 PM on January 2

I can't find the quote right now, but I remember Dan Savage (of Savage Love) saying that both members of a couple should be GGG, except when it comes down to feces, children, animals, and blood.

Looks like you fell into one of those.

Seriously? Just draw the line. Sometimes, there are those lines that no one wants to cross, not even once. For some girls, that's having oral sex. Yours seems to be a little further along.
posted by SNWidget at 5:37 PM on January 2 [1 favorite has favorites]

You tell him once more that you do not want to do it, and any more requests will be seen as blatant disrespect for you, period.

Loving partners do not keep demanding things from you that you do not want to do, period.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:38 PM on January 2 [18 favorites has favorites]

I'm with you. I'd definitely never do this.

I know a guy who claims to have gotten a blumpy. He also went on to say that he just couldn't keep it hard. He said that it physically impossible for him to actually shit and maintain an erection simultaneously. It went something like: had a hardon, she started sucking it, he tried to shit, couldn't squeeze anything out, told her to stop, started shitting, got soft, resulting in general turn off all around. You might mention this to him.

a) I wouldn't respond humorously. I'd tell him flat out, "Still no."

b) "I will not do this, regardless of how much we love each other. It squicks me right the fuck out, and I won't do it. It's too close to scat. And, really, do you want me forever associating sucking your dick with something I don't like?"

c) "I love you very much. You wanna put it in my butt tonight?"

d) "I'll try most everything once, you know that. But, I just can't tolerate shit. It's not sexy. It doesn't make me hot. I just can't do it. On the other hand, I have this [strap-on|electrostim unit|pair of cuffs|pony tail ass plug|schoolgirl outfit|rape fantasy] that I want to try for you tonight."
posted by Netzapper at 5:41 PM on January 2

Even Dan Savage, who's all about fulfilling your partner's kinky fantasies, draws the line at poop play. It's not unreasonable at all for you to do the same; we have a fecal taboo for the perfectly good reason that it's incredibly unsanitary. It's not cool for him to keep pressuring you to do it after you've already said you won't.

I'm not sure there's a humorous way to tell him that, though. Maybe you can soften the blow, though. Next time he brings it up, tell him: "I don't want to do that, I love you very much, I love exploring our fantasies, but that's farther than I'm comfortable going. But I love you very much. Hey, let's do [other kinky, sexy thing he enjoys]."
posted by EarBucket at 5:41 PM on January 2

You know what? I really, really, really want a pony. The fact my husband refuses to even discuss this doesn't mean he doesn't love me, doesn't understand my love of ponies, or that he thinks I'm a freak for wanting one.

It means that in every relationship, there are disappointments you just have to deal with. Life is imperfect.

The next time he asks for one, just say "Not happening. Sucks to be you." Repeat this as a refrain until both of you are bored with the conversation.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:44 PM on January 2 [15 favorites has favorites]

How can I a) respond humorously to his repeated requests for a head job while shitting

tell him that hard wood hurts the log ride, so in the interest of keeping his magic mountain flowing properly, you're going to have to decline.

and for St. Alia - i don't think this is a case of blatant disrespect or a demanding partner. loving partners tend to not throw around inflammatory language to discuss humorous sexual acts.
posted by nadawi at 5:46 PM on January 2

My partner and I both have fantasies about things we wouldn't actually want to do. We like to tell each other little stories about them while we do something a bit more on the tame side. Is this something you could fantasize about like that with your partner?

If not, seconding the assorted good up-thread advice. Be clear, loving, cheerful, and game for option 2. If necessary, be firm.
posted by not that girl at 5:48 PM on January 2

@sixcolors - smelling is tasting is ingesting.
posted by nadawi at 5:50 PM on January 2 [2 favorites has favorites]

a) Fuck no and I feel a a week long headache coming on.

b) Fuck no, ain't happening, ever.

c) Fuck no and if you haven't figure out that I love you and want you after the past six years, we have problems.

d) Fuck no, I'm not doing this, ever. What else would you like to try?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:54 PM on January 2 [3 favorites has favorites]

I'd say do it. I'm just not that into blowjobs myself, but if you are giving blowjobs in the first place does it matter WHERE you are giving them? Giving head in the bathroom, in the kitchen, on the toilet, or a dumpster behind 7-11...is still giving head. If he sits the right way, it is impossible to get fecal matter in your mouth, because a. his penis is already in your mouth and b. his legs should be separating his penis from his butthole. In other words, I don't think you have to worry about getting e-coli or anything.
posted by sixcolors

The OP specifically posted that she didn't WANT to perform the act. And for whatever it's worth, here's a nice little corollary that Mr. dancinglamb provided as I read this post to him:

I love donuts. Holy God, do I love them. In fact, I probably love donuts more than this girl can ever possibly love giving head. That doesn't mean that I would enjoy eating donuts while sitting in the same room as somebody taking a shit. There are some things that you just don't mix.
posted by dancinglamb at 6:01 PM on January 2 [8 favorites has favorites]

a) respond humorously to his repeated requests for a head job while shitting, and b) let him know that this is not something I will agree to, regardless of how much we love each other

I think you should not try to do a) until you have been very, very clear about b).

I'll give your man the benefit and assume that the only reason he keeps asking is because he doesn't understand this is a hard limit for you.

You need to be very direct and clear with him that this act falls into the category of "not now, not ever" -- and continued pressure on his part will not change your mind, and will cause hard feelings.

By all means reassure him with your talking points c and d. But even the most GGG partner gets to have limits. A loving, respectful partner should be able to hear "no" once in a while without pouting or nagging.
posted by ottereroticist at 6:22 PM on January 2

Wow, there's just no genteel way to say this, so I'll just lay it out there:

"Sure, I'll give it a shot, as long as you don't hold it against me while I puke battery acid on and into your cock, run out crying, and never speak to you again. Seriously, honey, I'm glad you found a hobby, but throwing a dart at the Purity 1500 and deciding that this is the ultimate consummation of our relationship makes me wonder, once we're done with the blumpkin, if there's a Cleveland Steamer in my future. *bats eyelashes furiously* A girl has to have something to hope for!" Then punch him in the arm, hard.
posted by adipocere at 6:38 PM on January 2 [1 favorite has favorites]

It's not EXACTLY the same, but you should probably refer to this thread here.

To paraphrase Dan Savage, if partner B needs a kink that partner A isn't down with, partner B will do what it takes to get it, even if it's not from partner A.
That said, if you're not down with it, don't do it. There's lots of fun things you can do together, and do you really want to remember him as the guy you went down on on the toilet with?
posted by dunkadunc at 6:58 PM on January 2

Totally gross and not something I would ever do and I think the other advice posted so far on how to firmly refuse is good.

However, if it's just the smell that bothers you and you would otherwise be willing to try it, you can rub some Vicks Vaporub under your nose and then the only thing you should be able to smell is the Vicks. I learned this trick for coping with bad smells recently and it has allowed me to handle things that would otherwise make me barf.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:05 PM on January 2

if partner B needs a kink that partner A isn't down with, partner B will do what it takes to get it, even if it's not from partner A.

This is not always true. Nobody needs a kink to live. They may want it very much. He'll have to deal with your limits.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:49 PM on January 2 [1 favorite has favorites]

Just say, "Honey, we have to save something for our 50th anniversary!"
posted by spilon at 8:08 PM on January 2 [9 favorites has favorites]

St. Alia of the Bunnies: "Loving partners do not keep demanding things from you that you do not want to do, period."

Partner is not demanding, partner is asking. Don't read more into this than provided.

adipocere: "Wow, there's just no genteel way to say this, so I'll just lay it out there:

"Sure, I'll give it a shot, as long as you don't hold it against me while I puke battery acid on and into your cock, run out crying, and never speak to you again. Seriously, honey, I'm glad you found a hobby, but throwing a dart at the Purity 1500 and deciding that this is the ultimate consummation of our relationship makes me wonder, once we're done with the blumpkin, if there's a Cleveland Steamer in my future. *bats eyelashes furiously* A girl has to have something to hope for!" Then punch him in the arm, hard."

Yeah, don't do this.

Here's the facts: this is a not terrible sex act. This is not a shameful thing to want to try. Shaming your partner about this will only result in less exploration in the future, and less willingness to try the things that you want to try.

Don't go to him as if he is a puppy who's just pissed on the rug. Go to him and say, "This is a thing I just can't do for you, ever. Sorry." That is all that need be said about it. Humor is optional, and certainly should be thrown out the window if he doesn't get the point. This doesn't sound like a thing he really needs to have to make his life complete, which is good, because it means that this probably won't be a deal breaker for you guys. But if it seems like he's really broken up about it, maybe you can talk about compromises. Ask him what it is that excites him about this particular scenario, and see if there are other things that you can do that will elicit the same feelings.

Good luck.
posted by TypographicalError at 8:24 PM on January 2 [4 favorites has favorites]

I don't really have much to add except to say you seem a little hesitant about asserting yourself. Asking us how to go about telling him means you haven't said "No" to him yet-- even though this is something you clearly find distasteful. There are plenty of things I can imagine that you would never hesitate to say "No" to, unconditionally. "Honey, can I fuck the dog while you diddle yourself?" "Honey can I shit on your twat and lick it up?" Honey, can I make a video of me fucking you in the ass and show my brother?" The answer is No. Never. Tell him that. You might also tell him that you are uncomfortable with the idea of him even wanting it. Clear, open communication is never wrong. You'll talk. He'll tell you why he wants it. You'll tell him how it is disgusting to you. Hopefully you will both come away understanding each a bit better.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 9:13 PM on January 2 [2 favorites has favorites]

I favor the Dan Savage argument, but if you want to try to be sweet about it, I've found that responding with "I'd much rather (insert preferable X rated activity here)" usually works.
posted by medea42 at 9:53 PM on January 2

Wow, I have never heard of this one. That's kind of yucky, but you know, it pays to give in on these things, just once or twice. If you let him know how awful you think this is and then give him this odd gift, then you put just a little more mortar in between the bricks of your relationship, even if his request has chipped a little bit out. Anyway, perhaps he just needs something else back there, like a nice thick plug, that isn't so off putting while you take care of his needs. If you surprise him with that it might put him off this fecal quest. Man, this is really weird shit. Anyway, I firmly believe that keeping an open mind to your partner's kinks is healthy to the relationship, but if you agree to something you are not really comfortable with you need to let them know what kind of concession is being made. That's not to say you should concede on all things, and this might be something that you find too difficult to embrace. I am not advocating submission to avoid cheating either. Most guys, or girls as the case may be, will not cheat on some weird kink just because their beloved isn't into it. If they do they may not be worth your time. Anyway, so maybe for his birthday you grant him this one little kink and then let him know that it won't happen again for say another decade.
posted by caddis at 9:55 PM on January 2

"Honey, I'm repulsed by the combination of fecal matter and sex acts, and thus I'm not interested in giving you a blumpy. I'm happy to blow you on the closed toilet seat and roleplay the blumpy, but that's where it stops for me."
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 10:15 PM on January 2

To paraphrase Dan Savage, if partner B needs a kink that partner A isn't down with, partner B will do what it takes to get it, even if it's not from partner A.

Oy, tiresome Dan Savage. It's such a logical error that anything that occurs to a person as a "kink" is something they are soon going to be out paying a professional for if you won't do it. I've always found something rather manipulatively threatening about the extreme way he states this. It's totally not true that if you don't do this he's inevitably going to seek it elsewhere. There are a lot of decisions between your refusal and that response, and a mature approach to relationships recognizes that. Very few children actually hold their breath until they turn blue and pass out, and very few people actually decide their idle kink that they saw on the internet is something they're willing to jeopardize a relationship over.

Just say no. You don't want to do it and there's no need for you to do it. It's okay. Don't even worry about the humor - it's a hard limit for you. End of story.
posted by Miko at 10:27 PM on January 2 [3 favorites has favorites]

I think the key in understanding Savage is in the interpretation of "need"--if the partner *needs* something, they will obviously do what they can to obtain it. The difference, then, is being able to distinguish between a need and a want, and I don't think anyone is arguing that the OP's bf is necessarily one or the other.
posted by nonmerci at 11:11 PM on January 2 [1 favorite has favorites]

I don't think the Savage point is completely irrelevant here, as the OP's post could be read to suggest that he's been bugging her about this for six years, even though she keeps saying no. If that's the case, then this is clearly something he really, really, really wants, and there's a possibility he might decide to go elsewhere to get it. Not a certainty, but a possibility.

He may decide that roleplaying it, as fairytale of los angeles suggests, is good enough for him. He may decide that he needs to have this, whether the OP is going to give it to him or not, at which point she'd have to have to decide if that's something she's willing to live with for the sake of the relationship.

But, Anonymous, you're not going to find out until you lay it on the line with him, and you're going to be far happier doing that now than later.
posted by EarBucket at 5:50 AM on January 3

Speaking of Dan Savage, he has a call-in podcast. Why not ask him?
posted by AV at 7:13 AM on January 3

Miko: "Oy, tiresome Dan Savage. It's such a logical error that anything that occurs to a person as a "kink" is something they are soon going to be out paying a professional for if you won't do it. I've always found something rather manipulatively threatening about the extreme way he states this. It's totally not true that if you don't do this he's inevitably going to seek it elsewhere."

Everyone in this thread is mostly miserably misinterpreting Savage. He has never established any very hard and fast rules*, especially anything that even resembles "If you don't do this your partner will leave you or find it someplace else." However, there's a decent chance that any refusal of a sex act important to the other party will result in a break-up or cheating. This is just a fact of nature. Now, this risk can be mitigated, by dicussion and compromise and, sometimes, looking the other way.

Is Anonymous likely to have this problem? I doubt it - it's not as if blumpies are especially prevalent in the world at large. And it really doesn't sound like Anonymous' guy is interested in these for some really in-depth reason. But who knows? Maybe he saw this and it immediately became a top fantasy of his, because it scratches some itch that he didn't know he had. Maybe that's what he'll need on a regular basis in the future. The point is, we can't know, and Anonymous can't know, until there's a serious talk where Anonymous doesn't frame this as a problem with her boyfriend. It's not good enough just to say "no," if you want this relationship to continue running smoothly. It must be done to preserve partner's feelings.

* Of course, Savage has his "rule" about scat, pedo, and animals. It's sort of unfortunate that scat goes in with pedo and animals. The latter 2 are rather illegal and always performed on nonconsenting parties, whereas scat is most importantly disgusting to Dan Savage. But, here I'd say that, since there's no exchange of fecal matter, it's arguably scat, anyways. The other half of the reason not to play with poop is because of issues with bacteria floating around in it, and that's not really in play here. So, I don't think the almighty rule of Savage applies here. Which isn't to say that Anon should do it anyways - just that people should stop misquoting Savage.
posted by TypographicalError at 7:44 AM on January 3

I always thought this was one of those made-up activities that pizza delivery drivers joked about having accomplished. Like the donkey-punch or the Dirty Sanchez.
posted by Sallyfur at 8:41 AM on January 3 [4 favorites has favorites]

hey if it's simultaneous anal penetration and dick sucking he wants can't you fulfill that in another way? stick a butt plug up his ass while sucking him off and tell him to make believe he is shitting. or maybe youve thought of that and its just not the same...
posted by beccyjoe at 1:42 PM on January 3 [3 favorites has favorites]

Maybe for his birthday you could hire a sex worker willing to indulge this kink.
posted by mjao at 4:29 AM on January 4

A blumpy? What's that?
Oh, no, that's not a thing.
No, it's not real. Sorry.
Look, where did you hear about it?
Yeah, like I thought. The internet. Sorry, not a thing.
posted by klangklangston at 7:51 PM on January 4 [3 favorites has favorites]

follow-up from the OP

Nah, klangklangston - this is something he's asked for sporadically through our relationship (the first time on our second date, six years ago - he shits a lot, and greatly enjoys being sucked off) but since learning it has a name a few months ago, and having it validated by the internet, lately he asks for it several times a day.

To paraphrase Dan Savage, if partner B needs a kink that partner A isn't down with, partner B will do what it takes to get it, even if it's not from partner A.

Oh, no - part of the excitement for him is my reaction I'm sure, and it was my exasperation with him asking for it again and again after my repeated "No. No. NO. N. O. Not gonna happen. No way, nohow. Nada. Nyet. Non. Nope. No way, Jose. NNNNOOOOOO." that prompted the question. He is not going to seek it out if he doesn't get it from me; however:

Maybe for his birthday you could hire a sex worker willing to indulge this kink.

Only after I play with her ;) (hiring a professional for the both of us has been our birthday gift to each other a couple of times (our birthdays are 10 days apart)). But yes, that is a great idea - I might treat him to a new year's surprise and let him know he can do it with her if he wants it so much. I don't think he will, and I do think it will shut him up.

Thanks all for your answers!

posted by jessamyn at 4:05 PM on January 6