My Life Needs a Reboot. Advice for the lost?

November 10, 2008 5:13 PM

My life is a mess. I'm in debt over my head, without a steady income, and in the midst of a personal crisis. What can I do to get back on my feet and get some direction in life?

I don't even really know where to start, but here goes. I am a guy in my early 30's living in Seattle. I am currently self-employed as an IT consultant (it isn't going well). My professional life has been comprised of work doing technical support/help desk stuff for various companies, but I'm not sure I want to continue with that career path. I went into the IT field sort of by default. I majored in psychology in college but never finished my degree and had always been into computers growing up, etc. Anyway, since my business is not going well I've begun applying for help desk positions, despite my reservations about my career, because that's what my resume is full of.

On top of that, I'm seriously in debt with $25k in student loans and over $10k of credit card debt (among other things). Without a reliable income, paying any of that down has been put on hold. I can't make any progress when I'm worried about just making rent each month.

Additionally, I am struggling with depression. I am on meds for that, but I really miss the talk therapy I was able to do when I had medical insurance.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I have no idea how to go about getting back to a manageable life. I'm questioning my career, and just about everything else. At times I feel completely hopeless and start to think about old bad thoughts and about giving up. (I really don't mean to sound melodramatic here, but it's the truth.) Unfortunately, I don't have much in the way of a "support system." My family lives on the other coast and we're not very close.

What advice do you have for someone who is this lost? What should I do about the career I'm no longer satisfied with? How do I keep from giving up?

Any advice or helpful info you can provide would be much appreciated.

posted by GS1977 to work & money (18 comments total)

Okay, your lot isn't as bad as it could be.

- You're on meds, that's good - stay on them - make sure you take them at the same time every day, etc.

- Your IT career is shaky, no surprise there really - lots of IT careers in the tank right now. But it sounds like you're actively looking for work to get you by.

- Your debt is large, but not outrageous by modern standards - it's critical that you manage it, but you know that already.

So, basically I think you're going to be okay, even though it may not seem like it to you right now. You should start by making a list of priorities. I'd say your three biggest concerns are those I outlined above: debt, mental health, and work.

Mental health: If you depression get's the better of you things will get really bad. You'll either blow job interviews, or flake out at work and get fired. It is critical that you keep your depression in check, stay on top of your medication (is it still working? maybe you need to talk to someone about your dosage, etc.) and work toward getting back into steady talk therapy.

Work: Yeah, IT jobs suck, and no, the work you find may not help you pay down your debt, but you should be able to find someone to get by. Think about the next six or twelve months. Where do you want to be? What will it take to stabilize your income and bills? What will your living expenses be? As a subset of work and career, you should think about completing your education - it's never too late to go back, and there are always options for part time education and paying for it. Anyway, your education is going to be key to getting you out of a crummy IT job and into something better - so make it a priority, but put it in the long term 12+ month pile.

Debt: Your credit is probably dinged already, but unless you're trying to take out loans, that should not worry you - you've got time to make up for lost ground. That said, it's critical that you become proactive (hate that word) with your debt and start making phone calls. You maybe able to get some sort of deferment for the school debt. As for the credit card debt, well... that all depends on how it's spread out, etc. You need to take a look at your cards and other debts and start building a plan for getting a handle on it. It doesn't hurt to call up your credit card companies and say, "Look, I can only pay $20 this month. Take it or leave it." The point is to keep them off your back while you get on your feet. The last thing your mental health needs is crazy-ass phone calls from collection agencies.

Look, all of this is a process, a struggle. None of it is easy, but you're on the right track.

Some other tips:

- Stay active, even if it's getting out for a walk around the neighborhood.
- Get rid of everything that is costing you money. Disconnect your cable, sell your TV - take drastic action to put money in your pocket as necessary.
- If you're a drinker, go easy on the sauce, it isn't great for your depression and the last thing you want to do is wind up self-medicating when you should be cleaning out the cobwebs and making a new life.
- Take care of yourself physically - try and stay fit, eat healthy, shave. Make sure you're dressing yourself every day, that type of thing. Maybe you're already doing that, but some people tend to let themselves go when they are depressed and that impacts their ability to get jobs, etc.

Hang in there - you'll get a handle it. Start with small steps.

Good luck!
posted by wfrgms at 5:40 PM on November 10, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

What do you mean by old bad thoughts and giving up? suicide? wfrgms gave much excellent advice and I hope you can see what he/she sees is right on. the debt is not that bad actually. people can find other jobs. talk therapy is available at fairly low cost at your local community mental health center, with usually excellent therapists. you can also get your prescriptions from the mental health center. have your meds reevaluated by a psychiatrist in case the dose is too low or your current meds are not working. do not permit yourself to go down the hopeless road and drown in your sorrow. you are young and can turn your life around over the next few years. call your local emergency hotline if you are in serious crisis. Hard to believe, but it is nearly always true that this too shall pass.
posted by madstop1 at 6:02 PM on November 10, 2008

If you miss talk therapy, it seems that King County has a crisis help line. They may be someone to at least talk to, and they may be able to give you a hand linking with professional resources. At the very least, it may provide with with a foothold to begin rebuilding your life.

The good news (from at least the way I see it) is that you seem to have a vehicle for rapidly paying off debt, in the form of your IT consulting business. As a contractor, you should be able to charge more per hour than if you were a salaried employee. Seattle is a big town, and there should be plenty of opportunities for contracting, especially in a downturn, when companies have to keep servers running but are unable to keep on a full-time person to do so.


It won't be easy, though, so you might want to find some sort of survival job that will allow you to regroup and plan your next move.

Talk to your lender about deferring payment on your student loans for six months (you can do that in Canada).

But mostly, talk to someone, and get that person to assist you with making a plan.


++++++++++

I can relate to your situation. Several years ago I returned to Canada with my family, and we exhausted most of our reserve while I found I job. I did get a job, but lost it after three months. George Bush had just won the election, there were rats in the walls of our rental, and the winter rains had just started.

It was a scary time, but I needed to find a job. I actually was resigned to working at a call centre, and the very day I was to start I got a call from someone looking for a contract project manager for an IT project. The pay was $60/hour, and it was 8 hours a day for three months. So I was saved...

However, three or four months later, the project was put on hold, and I was out of work for three months. I struggled with anxiety and depression (I would wake up at night and be unable to sleep), but kept looking for work. Eventually, after three months (and with money once again low), I found it - another short-term contract.

Six months later, the contract ended, and I was out of work again for four months. This time, I spent most of my time setting up two contracts that, combined, would prove to be quite lucrative (I hired someone to help me). On top of that, I was approached to do a very large project (see my profile), which I took on, and I ended up making quite a bit over the course of about ten months. Following that, I got the job had I had wanted since returning to Canada. Everything firing on all cylinders.

I attribute my success to hard work, and luck, but I made my own luck by working hard. I also realized that there are opportunities out there that I had been totally unaware of during my initial job search when I returned to Canada.

But the depression I suffered caused me to neglect a few things that have come back to haunt me (some tax issues), so it's important for you to get help, start planning and avoid a disaster.

I did some talk therapy, which was kind of helpful. I did not ever require medication for my depression and anxiety, so I may not be able to understand what you're going through.

However, the one thing that has helped is positive thinking and self-actualization.

Generally, I've noticed that the things I have planned to do I have accomplished. It may sound pretty obvious, but it has been very unexpected and very interesting.

Good luck.
posted by KokuRyu at 6:04 PM on November 10, 2008

Any large hospitals in your area? A university-affiliated hospital will almost always have a large IT department that needs help. Their benefits often include discounted tuition at the university or a nearby college. If you decide the health care field is for you, many of the larger hospitals will pay your tuition and perhaps a small salary if you promise to work for them after graduation.
posted by TorontoSandy at 6:12 PM on November 10, 2008

I do not know your situation enough. Therefore this is very general but hopefully it will resonate.

Make a list of priorities and write what your hopes are on a piece of paper that you keep on you. Read it from time to time.

Keep writing. Writing is therapeutic. It can help you reboot.

If your condition allows it, think about doing daily cardio exercise. Start slow.

Eat well. Drink water. Our feelings and states of mind are very much a result of our diet.

Regular sleeping schedule.

Go outside. Try to be around people. Talk to people. Other than your clients. If only to say hi to an old lady in the park.

You may not be able to afford a psychologist but you can seek help in your community.

Put your CV in order. Consider all options you need to consider. One day at a time. Take small steps every day to find a good job / contract opportunity. Keep a log about it.
posted by amusem at 6:18 PM on November 10, 2008

this sounds a bit like me in terms of the debt only two years ago plus another $10k in student loans, but having been there i don't think i was as despondent about it as you are now (about the same age too). it's definitely time to secure a position in the corporate word that will help you cover your bills and medical and work from there… or even take a part time job in addition to your IT work to make some ends meet. it will be trying, but can totally be done. i work my job for the love of it not the money, but without my husband, i’d be living with many roommates.

i also think that maybe working from your home could possibly be adding to your depression. sometimes having no where to go and no one to socialize with – even superficially - can cause despondency in itself.

i never thought of deferment for a year, but with student loans, that could be a great idea. i called my student loan company and asked them about reduced longer term payments – managing to secure them down to $250 per month payment which was sometimes difficult to make, but doable. i recall that my student loans could be scaled so that the minimum was in line with my income. i then rolled over my credit card to one of those ‘no apr for a half year, no payments on rollover for a year’ credit cards like discover card (i don’t work for the company) which had a 2.5% rollover fee but discussed with a customer service rep on what my minimum payments were and could handle that. during that time, i struggled to pay much as much more than my minimum payments as was possible and get the debt down by 50-70% ($400 plus per month) ... i did this by a year of skin-flinting everything – including only buying essential foods and stuff on sale (oddly enough, i was eating better and more balanced that year than i did before or since). if you defer, i'd suggest then throwing everything you can on your rolled over credit debt.

i also kept and extensive ledger in excel to ensure that i wasn’t hemorrhaging any money – those $2.00 atm fees can really add up.

now two years later, i am totally credit debt free and only owe $8k on my student loans. it’s was difficult but i saw it as a challenge i could overcome – kind of like being a superhero. it’s so much better to tackle your debt head on and with initiative than to default. my friend defaulted a few years ago on massive credit card debts she incurred by being crazy spender and it’s haunting her now and she still had to pay out lump sum payments in the end that might not have been for the full sum, but would have been legally scary otherwise.

you can do it nickie! bite his freaking head off!
posted by eatdonuts at 6:26 PM on November 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Greetings:

I would roll back on your risk level as others have suggested. If you are anxiety prone chasing contracts may not be the kind of life that will make you happy. I would also separate what you hate about your situation (contracts, clients, IT itself, uncertainty, etc.) from what you actually hate about your profession (WinXP). A nice stable job in a hospital or large organization will have its own pain points, but may enable you to tackle your other issues one at a time.

Optimize the debt as best you are able but I wouldn't worry too much about it until you have your general distress sorted out. Check out free therapy and career counseling options in your area. Try to do one positive thing per day about your situation and every time you begin worrying, start on the "to do" list instead.

Best wishes.
posted by benzenedream at 6:27 PM on November 10, 2008

*(meaning i had $10k more student loan debt than you. i realize that could be read the other way).
posted by eatdonuts at 6:29 PM on November 10, 2008

It sounds like what you need is a change from consulting -- a steady, reliable job that pays the bills and gives you health insurance. Even though you'll probably be earning less than you are consulting, the stability is what's most important. My understanding is that for most business ventures and self-employment, it's pretty much required to have a cushion of cash to weather bad times, so normal employment is the way to go. Perhaps a part-time job and consulting on the side may be in order.

When things aren't going well, it feels that *everything* is wrong. It's very understandable and normal that you're feeling stressed and depressed about your situation. However, the constructive thing to do is to take things one step at a time and make steady progress towards somewhere you are happy to be.

What kind of luck are you having with your job search? While changing your career may be the right thing to do later, I suspect that IT employment will give you the best short-term prospects of stabilizing your life and paying down your debts. And your worries about IT in general seem to be related to the troubles of your consulting business, so if you get employment, it'll probably seem less bad, at least for a while. And right now, it's tough but possible to find a job, and the trick is to knock on many doors. Don't let rejections get you down.

I second having a plan to finish your degree, as that will open more doors for you. But you first need to stabilize, and that requires being able to put things on auto-pilot, so you can worry about the rest.
posted by bsdfish at 7:06 PM on November 10, 2008

See this post:

Can you recommend a therapist in Seattle?

It has links to sliding scale therapists.

I had a friend, a few years ago, that saw someone for $20 a session in a sliding scale clinic, and it made all the difference for their situation.

I'd also note that the average credit card debt in the U.S. is close to $10,000. Average! So set your goal to get to $1k less than average and that's way more attainable. Then do it again.

Finally, my gut answer was "Peace Corp." F'it, man. That thing's there for a reason. I saw a Buddhist thing years ago that said that depression was too much self-focus. Hello! Get out there and do good for someone else. It's the new joining the army. I know they'll suspend your student loans. You get a stipend, but probably not enough to pay the credit card companies. But you can bust your a** for the six month wait and try and pay them off. You'll have something to look forward too, and taking a restaurant job on the side "so I can save up for Zambia" (or Romania, or whatever) doesn't feel so bad.

In one way, you are in an awesome place. I'm thinking of Janis Joplin on Freedom, man. You aren't happy with your life, so feel free to jettison the whole darn thing and make a new, fabulous-er one. Move to Thailand, teach English and forget about the credit cards and all that before you kill yourself. At least give something back to the world first and see how you feel then (I am 100% sure it'll be better).

So there are your options. You can get a "regular sleep schedule" like those other guys suggested, or you can do what I say and go to Paraguay. I know which one I'd pick.
posted by letahl at 7:39 PM on November 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

This is small and very specific to the finance part, but maybe it will be helpful: I read some advice on askme once to recruit a friend or family member to serve as a financial coach. Doing this totally changed how I deal with money (which had been disastrous until I tried this). I had to honestly face my financial situation in order to even start the conversation with my friend about how to handle things. I had to figure out how much I was really spending, make a realistic budget, etc. Then my friend looked it over with me and advised where I could cut. He thought of things I hadn't and it made a difference. I call him regularly for help figuring stuff out when it gets tight again.

Perhaps something like this would help with other aspects of your life right now too. You said that your support system isn't so great right now. Is there someone trustworthy who would be willing to help you in this way? If not, do you have enough that you could afford a behavioral therapist for a few sessions to make some plans?

If none of this seems realistic I'd ask also, in the past when you've felt overwhelmed or dispairing, what has helped get you out of it? How could you recreate that?

You're brave for even trying to figure this out and I trust that you can. I know that it must feel so overwhelming now but with perseverance, creativity, and compassion for yourself I think you'll get out of it.
posted by serazin at 8:06 PM on November 10, 2008

You sound pretty depressed. I've been there and it sucks.

The fact that you said you're starting to think thoughts of giving up scares me, since that sounds suicidal. Are you considering killing yourself? If so, dealing with that has got to be your #1 priority. When you are depressed, suicide seems absolutely rational and reasonable - but it's not - that is the depression talking. Once you're out of the depression, the idea of suicide will not seem reasonable at all.

You probably need a higher dose of your antidepressant than you're currently taking. I'd call the office of the doctor who prescribed it and ask to talk to the nurse. Explain to the nurse that the medication is not controlling your depression, and ask if a dose increase would make sense. Be specific about your symptoms - hopelessness, depression, and thoughts of suicide.

You can get out of this. You don't have to keep feeling this way. A year from now, life will look a hell of a lot better. Hang in there - we are all pulling for you. A lot of us on mefi have been through the wringer of depression. You can do this.
posted by selfmedicating at 8:14 PM on November 10, 2008

Get out of Seattle. That place is depression incarnate. I suspect it's not just the gray dreary days, but also molds and spores and tree pollens: but what ever it is, look around you, see how people dress and act. Nearly everyone there is depressed.
Move someplace sunny (with clean air!), and spend more time outdoors. Sun on your skin generates chemicals that make you happy. Of course, stay on your meds until the worst is over.
Realize this: anxiety and depression cause personal and career failure, not the other way around; those in turn are caused by non-optimal blood chemistry and/or disease which won't be solved just by thinking about it.
posted by Osmanthus at 9:25 PM on November 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Hey now, Osmanthus, not all of us here are depressed.

That said, you do raise a good point: the darkness of wintertime has set in at this time of year and many people have a really hard time dealing with it. GS1977, I think Osmanthus does make a good suggestion to get some more light in you life. Put a full-spectrum bulb in your desk lamp and shine it on yourself while you're working at your computer. Go to a tanning booth once in a while. Get over the Cascades a few times over the winter (lord willin' and the snow in the passes aren't too bad) and see the real deal with your own eyes--it's always sunnier on the east side of the mountains--or at the very least get outside on days like today that are sunny and beautiful in town. Seasonal Affective Disorder isn't a joke.

Wish I could offer more solid advice about finding direction and so on. I think everybody faces those challenges and eventually finds resolution one way or another--you will too. In the meantime, can you find ways to cut expenses? A less expensive living situation, drop the cable and the cell phone, stuff like that? Then making the monthly nut won't feel so dire.

Hang in there and good luck.
posted by Sublimity at 10:25 PM on November 10, 2008

No one's business is doing well right now. Seriously.

You need to get out and create a social network. I know, easier said that done. Pick up the Stranger and go through the free events. Go to the ones that interest you. It will expand your brain, make you think, challenge you, and connect you with like-minded people. If there are any user groups or technical talks you can go to, DO IT. It's networking. You'll find out about other jobs that way.

Helpdesk in Seattle is not as deadend as it sounds. I worked with dozens of people in my time in Seattle at various tech companies who got their start at helpdesk, but ended up doing well for themselves. Again, it'll connect you to other people who know other people and that's what you need.

It all seems like it's all going to fall in on you when it's just you and what you are perceiving as your dead-end, hopeless life. But you're not doing as badly as you think you are.

Kill the landline and the cable. Use your cell as your primary number if you aren't already. This will further enable to keep you out of the house or searching for other things to do.

Volunteer. I know it'll be tough now because it's the time of year when EVERYONE is trying to volunteer but stress that you're not just looking for your Thanksgiving feel-good dose.
posted by micawber at 8:54 AM on November 11, 2008

Even though Seattle is all dooms and glooms outside now, I would at least recommend getting outside. Exercise and seeing something new can stimulate the brain. We have a decent public transportation system that goes to a lot of weird places - for a couple of bucks, you can find yourself in Puyallup, Duvall, Tacoma, or even Gold Bar for the day.

If you feel like you also need to talk to someone about the overwhelming feelings, don't count out the clergy. They are trained to listen to people, and can often point you towards resources that could help. If you're not tied to a faith tradition, and/or are intimidated by this idea, the Episcopalians and Unitarians are particularly receptive to people of all different faith traditions or belief systems.

The full Spectrum bulb is also a good idea; I have one on one of my lamps at home, and that has made a positive difference in my mood.

Good luck!
posted by spinifex23 at 9:53 AM on November 11, 2008

I would recommend against the Peace Corps, if only because people do get rejected from it (*ahem*), and I'm pretty sure they want college graduates. "F it" is also not exactly the mindset you want to bring into the Corps. Now is a great time to re-evaluate your life but in my experience people from the Corps pretty much want you to have your life together before you move ahead on anything.

With $35k in debt you're in real trouble if you don't put in something. That can really balloon, especially with all the fees that will get thrown your way. If you really can't handle it you need to go into some kind of debt counseling so that you don't start getting dinged. It's not about whether or not you have "good" credit or not. It's about whether in 3 months that 10k of credit card debt becomes 12k without spending another dime.

If you're stuck now, I would recommend getting a crap (i.e., unskilled) job. For a couple of reasons. First, you're kinda sick of IT anyway, so it's a step up mentally. Also, even though it's unskilled you will learn some skills, depending on the job. Can I recommend a job in a order-fulfillment warehouse? I worked in one for a few months years back to make ends meet and it is a nice change from IT work. You're on your feet most of the day, many of the workers are young, the work is mostly mindless, and although $9-10 an hour isn't great it is a liveable wage and you can always supplement it on the side with odd IT work. You might also want to think about bartering, if you can, for some of your monthly needs. Maybe someone needs some computer help and will give you counseling in exchange. Or food. Use some of the money you save from that and pay part of your minimum on the loan (On 10k in credit card debt, putting in $100 or $200 a month would be a good idea if you can do it; don't sweat the student loans as much because they're not going to hit you with quite so many fees, I don't think).

Oh, and also? A lot of people seem to be trying to say, "You're life isn't so bad, get out of the house, get proactive, etc." I find that when I am in a black place, it helps to really tap into my sadness, depression, funk, whatever and give it a good milking before letting go. If you try to jump into action and experience a setback, any lingering bleakness you have inside may encourage you to crawl back into your shell. Allow yourself a couple of days of really solid moping. Scream a bit, go out to a bar and have a couple of drinks, etc. Then put on your "ready to kick butt" face.

Also, I find what I do for a living at the moment affects me negatively only when I don't have something else to occupy my time. Since you're poor, that does mean volunteering but I'd suggest against volunteering in an environment where you are likely to be around people who are signficantly worse off than you. I never find myself cheered up by this, only guilty and depressed, since I feel equally hopeless but at the same time guilty about feeling hopeless around people who have it so much worse. Try volunteering for things that are fun: if there are any local community theaters, call them up and offer to help build sets and break them down (usually the least desired of theatre volunteering activity). Often takes place on the weekend so it won't conflict with your normal job). You meet fun people, get to do really physical and cathartic activities (nothing like breaking down a set). Also, you do learn basic carpentry. The nice thing about volunteering for a theater is you're not competing with the holiday volunteer rush, while at the same time demand is often high at theaters around this time since they often put on a number of holiday productions.
posted by Deathalicious at 9:59 AM on November 11, 2008

I just wanted to say a quick thanks to everyone who has responded. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me your thoughts and advice.

I'm trying to keep positive and have been applying for some jobs. I think what I need most right now, as some of you suggested, is some stability. A job that provides a decent, steady income and medical benefits would be a good step in getting there.

Those who voiced their concern about my safety shouldn't worry. I honestly don't think I'm in danger of hurting myself.

Thanks again. I wish you all well.
posted by GS1977 at 12:23 AM on November 12, 2008