Releasing alpha-dog on demand?

October 27, 2008 4:48 AM

How can I tap into my alpha male tendencies?

I have been told that--in certain situations--I exhibit alpha male tendencies. By this I mean that intangible quality of "when I walk into a room, everyone knows I'm in charge." People look to me for what to do, and they tend to trust and respect my judgment. This doesn't come out of bullying or demanding, but by exuding a "commanding presence" which instills confidence in people, whether they're strangers or people who have known me forever.

Apparently this comes out in intense or emergency situations, or when I become riled up enough that the alpha-male instinct just sort of kicks in.

The problem is, on a day to day basis, I'm fairly mild-mannered, self-deprecating, interested in others' input, and intentionally humble. I'm not meek by any means but I don't have a "commanding presence" by default. In normal situations I find it difficult to assert my leadership without feeling like a bully. When I try, I think people sense that I'm self-conscious about it, which undermines my attempt.

So I have the instinct but I don't know how to harness it consciously. I'm in several leadership roles and it would be very helpful if I could.

Can anyone suggest methods for "unleashing" the alpha male in me on a daily basis (or at least on demand)? If not, any methods for playing the part convincingly enough to get the same results (maybe through body language, speech patterns, word choice, eye contact, carriage)?

I've observed people who seem to just *have it*, but I can't pinpoint what it is about their demeanor that gives them this quality. Unless it's phermones or some psychic extrusion, there must be *some* way to tap into it consciously.

Books, websites, other resources would be helpful too. Unfortunately, searching for these terms usually turns up "how to pick up chicks" kind of self-help stuff -- not what I'm looking for.

P.S. I'm not looking for general "leadership" advice or "if you really want to lead, you should concentrate on ... instead" responses. I already have a lot of resources for this kind of information, but in this question I'm curious specifically about the authoritative charisma that some people just seem to project naturally.

posted by anonymous to human relations (22 comments total)

on a day to day basis, I'm fairly mild-mannered, self-deprecating, interested in others' input, and intentionally humble. I'm not meek by any means but I don't have a "commanding presence" by default.

That sounds like a well adjusted person to me. It sounds like you can rise to challenges when you need to, but you're usually able to relate socially to people. Why do you think you're not an 'alpha male'?

Can you think of anyone you actually respect that has a commanding presence all the time? People like that seem to impress the easily impressed, to my mind.
posted by Not Supplied at 5:29 AM on October 27, 2008

Seconded. Don't be that dude.

While I'm a relative nobody in an office of 50 and 60-yo execs, I am lucky enough to see how they interact. I'm 25 feet away from the guy who is the boss of a little over 15,000 people and is in charge of billions of dollars of company. He didn't get where he was by being an alpha male. He got there by being soft spoken, humble, taking in more info than he doles out, and by being right more often than not. _That_ is how you lead.

It's great to be able to deal with a crisis, but they way you get into a crisis in the first place is by taking control of a situation without getting consensus from those around you. Alpha males cause way more problems than they solve. Being bossy is usually just compensation for being incompetent. Trust me. I've seen a _lot_ of bossy and incompetent over the years.
posted by paanta at 6:36 AM on October 27, 2008 [9 favorites has favorites]

I thought of one more thing which may or may not help. You said you are intentionally humble. I'm not finding the concept of humility helpful at the moment. I prefer the idea of pride and mutual respect.

I don't see the need to bring oneself down or be overly self deprecating in order to not offend others - this seems to me to be better done by being more considerate of their needs rather than less of one's own.

Maybe taking extra pride in yourself could help.
posted by Not Supplied at 6:38 AM on October 27, 2008

Peter Kramer mentioned in Listening to Prozac that when beta males in a monkey troop were given Prozac they became alpha males. Generic Prozac is cheap, maybe you can talk to your doctor and try it.
posted by RussHy at 7:02 AM on October 27, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Being able to take charge when needed and being humble/respectful when not sounds like a feature, not a bug.
posted by The Whelk at 7:11 AM on October 27, 2008

Nth'ing the advice not to try turning it on all the time. I've been reading Good to Great, and while I'm usually a skeptic about business management books and gurus, one of the interesting points made is that in the unusually successful company turnarounds they studied, all of them were overseen by a person who was mild-mannered, reserved, almost shy, self-deprecating, willing to both seek and heed contrary opinions, and give credit to others, but nevertheless was ruthlessly ambitious for the company and willing to do whatever it took to make it successful. I.e., in times of crisis, there was no doubt who was in charge and no dallying about decisions. From your self-description, it sounds like you've got the right stuff when needed.
posted by ga$money at 8:12 AM on October 27, 2008

Barack Obama, is that you?

Don't worry, sounds like you're just as alpha as you need to be to accomplish what you want. People just get annoyed with men who try to take charge of every situation. Just step up to the plate when you think it necessary.
posted by orange swan at 8:15 AM on October 27, 2008

Maybe thinking of this as "alpha" is not quite right? It's connotative of a more aggressive/arrogant leader.

That thing you seek, well, you're right, you basically already have it. It's just balancing knowledge and confidence and humility. When you were in those situations where you took command, you didn't make stuff up to seem authoritative, right? You were aware of what information you did or did not have, and acted accordingly.

In your day-to-day life, maybe you're just a little bit insecure about your role? Maybe you're not sure how to fit this sort of confident leadership into the greater context of your professional identity? Maybe just using some communication techniques (the "asking questions/raising concerns" method rather than direct challenges/arguing comes to mind) would allow you to satisfy your desire to convey that you respect your colleagues opinions, while allowing you to assert natural authority?
posted by desuetude at 8:21 AM on October 27, 2008

Emulating Clark Kent/Superman as archetypes mightn't be such a bad idea. Mild mannered reporter transforms himself into superman via phone booth or other such modest cubicle. You can turn this *power* on and off at whim - as the situation dictates. I think this is key. So - try to hone in on energies - what are you feeling, how are you feeling it, from who are you getting the vibes and what if anything do you need to be adding to the mix. Sometimes just being is ok. Sometimes you need to just chill mellow everyone out. Sometimes you need to set down the law and sometimes you just need to set down some firm mfing boundaries so everyone feels safe. Key is knowing your timing and how to maneuver in the world of energy. I think you'd do well with the Art of War.

Get smart on strategy, movement and how to seize the moment and claim it if need be. Be a hero. Rock on.
posted by watercarrier at 8:21 AM on October 27, 2008

The most charismatic people I've known convinced me that I was the most important person in the room. Not that they were, but that I was. They were genuinely happy to see me. They made eye contact with me. They actively listened to me. So when they said, "Now here's what we we're going to do..." I instinctively listened to them, because they had already shown me the respect that they wanted from me. The conversation is not about them, it's about a shared goal. They're passionate about the goal, but not attached to the process. They are unflappable in the face of criticism and disagreement.

I know one guy who looked the part of the alpha male (tall, muscles, tattoos, biker boots, loud) and another who didn't (thin, glasses, professorial, quiet). Each commanded the same amount of respect by being completely present and engaged with whomever they were interacting.
posted by desjardins at 10:30 AM on October 27, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

By the way, read some books on BDSM and you will have a very clear idea of what it means to be dominant (not just in a sexual sense). I can't link to anything from work, but anything written by Jay Wiseman is a good start.
posted by desjardins at 10:31 AM on October 27, 2008

You might think that these secondary characteristics such as humility, mildness of manner, self deprecation, etc are detrimental to the alpha male leader thing, but perhaps the fact that you exhibit those most often is really what others find so admirable in you?
posted by xmutex at 11:45 AM on October 27, 2008

I think, like mentioned above, you need to create different personas.

For example, YOU wouldn't take charge of a meeting, and tell Simmons he's incompetent at the job he's been assigned to and Sarah would do a much better job, and also we should do foo Blah. You're meek, and mild-mannered, and go with the flow. But Don Rodrigo * is an asshole who gets shit done. When you go into the boardroom, you're not you. You become and channel Don Rodrigo, but you put him away after you step out the door. He does it, and not you.

If you need to channel it, ask yourself, "What would Don Rodrigo * do in this situation? " and let him do it. He does it, and not you.


* perhaps choose a less luchador-y name for your leadership persona.
posted by spatula at 11:57 AM on October 27, 2008

Figure out how to raise your testosterone levels.

Males with above average testosterone levels are correlated with having a variety of alpha male like behaviors, from increased aggression and displays of dominance to mating habits.

Bonobos, but still interesting. When we removed the two recent immigrant males from the analysis, there was a significant positive correlation between T levels and dominance rank for the long-term resident males (n=5, P=0.001, r2=0.98).
posted by zentrification at 12:46 PM on October 27, 2008

spatula: I couldn't disagree more. I think the idea is that you have to ask yourself why does the "alpha" show up in moments of high stress? I would wager because it's important. You care about it. Alot. Intensely. When there isn't the significant emotional engagement/risk of life and limb in the situation or task at hand, the alpha dog doesn't appear.

If you take a look at what others have said above about highly effective leaders, you'll note the consistent emphasis on paying attention to others. Caring about what others have to say. These people genuinely care and as a result their intrinsic motivation, empathetic or otherwise, leads them to command leadership in situations that require it.
posted by Freen at 12:51 PM on October 27, 2008

Can anyone suggest methods for "unleashing" the alpha male in me on a daily basis (or at least on demand)?

I'd suggest that you will get the most value out of any traits of a non-conscious sort if you let them work on your own. No chance of overreach or faking it too much. Trust that you have these capablities and let them kick in when the time is right. I Nth the suggestion of paying attention. These animalistic traists work best when you allow them to kick in at the right time. The more observant you are, the more likely the traits will kick in when needed.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:10 PM on October 27, 2008

There's a fine line between alpha-male and asshole. It's great that you can take control in an emergency, but I'd find it depressing having to deal with an alpha-male on a constant basis.

On the other hand many of the things you suggest as examples, I don't class as being alpha-male traits, so maybe it's your phrasing that's throwing me off.

Good posture - stand up straight to become a more noticeable physical presence. Don't hunch over or cross your arms across your body. If you have bangs, don't let them cover your eyes.

BASIC STUFF
Maintain eye contact - doing this one-on-one will make you seem like an attentive listener. Doing it when addressing large groups will make you seem a confident public speaker.

Speech wise, don't let your sentences trail off, avoid the passive voice and remember that clarity trumps fancy rhetoric. (Although if you can manage both at once, more power to you.) If you're giving instructions, cleave to the old teacher's maxim of "Tell 'em what you're about to tell 'em. Tell 'em. Then tell 'em what you just told 'em."

You can continue to be interested in the input of others. It may not be "alpha-male" but it is good leadership strategy.
posted by the latin mouse at 3:27 PM on October 27, 2008

I'm not sure exactly what you want. Do you want power over others? Do you want to be more important? Do you want to make more money? Or, do you just want to be more effective in organizing others and leading? You may want to consider your end goals before you try to change your behavior.

The reason I say that is because I have this idea in my head of what I consider a stereotypical "alpha" male, and honestly, I go out of my way to make life difficult for those types. I'm naturally resistant to that personality. It's just one of my natural roles in the social ecosystem. I'm the omega, if you will. I'm the guy who is banging the alpha's wife while he's out gaining power.

Now, I joke around to my spouse that she's an "alpha" female. To be honest, I'm really just joking with her, I don't believe in that term, but she really is a natural leader. What I mean is that shes just naturally able to organize others and lead them toward a goal. She has no ambition to do it, she just enjoys communicating with people and people naturally respect her. She's perfect for that role because she's nice, focused, modest, makes quick judgments, she's relatively stubborn, and she has a very cool head.

She's not a jerk. The difference is that she doesn't take that role, people just give it to her because they respect her and like her.

I don't know if that helps.
posted by brandnew at 5:41 PM on October 27, 2008

Right,
so is this sort of like - when you're in one of those little team building games where you're supposed to build a bridge out of toothpicks, and you know how to do this, but you can't seem to convince the team to go with you on this, but when it comes to say, dealing with a situation where someone has turned aggressive, or a situation where someone needs to get to an ER, you're calm, purposeful, giving out directions and getting shit *sorted*. ?

The difference from the former is that - it doesn't matter I guess.
A lot of people have ideas on how something should go, and feel more comfortable to talk loudly and argue about I guess. But when we get to a situation that's 'under pressure' it's for serious yo, people don't feel comfortable, want to yap around, then people are hanging back, or standing round not knowing what to do, and it really stands out when someone knows what they're doing, and is calm, collected & competent. You can get this in default situations where it's not that big a deal, or you have some expertise, but no one else knows what to do. Getting people to assist you in building a fire when it's getting wet and cold versus back when you were given a high school challenge to 'build a fire' with a group. I guess they're the same thing for the other people in the situation.

Trying to prove that you'd be the latter in the former situation? I guess that's where braggadocio is born, especially when it's not true.
I don't really have any help for the former. Except that that personal qualities do tend to become apparent over time - when people have seen how you deal with things under pressure, and it is well, or even get a sense of your judgement over low pressure situations, they tend to value that.
And know who to call when there is a situation (also, blah blah blah - different people, different areas to shine).

I never really thought of that quality as alpha male, ever, though - maybe because I also tend to associate that quality with women I'd describe as kind of the matriarchs of families, aka the calm in the storm.

It just occured to me that many people, with the false braggadocio, trying to manipulate that effect - create a situation where they are perceived as the leader or calm, decisive one, by hyping situations up to be emergencies when they're *not* - and y'know, then they get to play the calm, confident leader, first off the starting gun with a plan, dealing with a teacup storm they brewed up all themselves.

I'd guess that would describe an awful lot of politics, unfortunately.


That doesn't really help with all your question though, but does explore a little of it.
posted by Elysum at 8:20 AM on October 28, 2008

Everyone above has the wrong ideas about what an alpha male (or female) is.

It's not aggression, anger, violence, having tattoos or big muscles, although often alpha males and females exhibit aggression in the act of dominance. But you can achieve dominance without aggression or anger, and the best alpha males and females don't use aggression at all. I think often people confuse assertion for aggression. Asserting yourself is different than aggression, and you don't need to piss anyone off to assert yourself.

It's all about body language. Stand up straight. Shoulders back, chin up. Try to reprogram yourself to not get stuck in thoughts of self-consciousness, which is the opposite of alpha. Distract yourself or change your thought patterns into more positive and confident ones. Lean forward. Don't step backward if someone else advances. Hold your ground.

I think essentially you need to be calm assertive, as Cesar Millan the Dog Whisperer would say. Not excited. That means not being upset as well as not being overly happy or emotional. Be level-headed. Be assertive, not aggressive. Project calmness, but be firm in the demands you want. Of course your demands have to be fair, and you always have to consider the needs of others, while also calmly and compassionately asserting yourself.

Everyone knows someone alpha, there's lots of different types. The girl who can always lead the conversation, the guy who plans all the social events....

Be the Pack Leader! :)

http://www.cesarmillaninc.com/products/btpl_book.php
posted by thejrae at 10:29 AM on October 28, 2008

The next time you find yourself becoming an alpha male in an emergency, without interfering with the process, try to have part of your mind calmly note the thoughts and emotions that accompany the transformation, and the basic principles your "alpha male" mind operates under while in that mode. Then, do your best to reproduce and construct those same thoughts, emotions and principles in your everyday life.
posted by WCityMike at 11:30 AM on October 29, 2008

I think you just have to keep being the way you are, stop worrying about being an "alpha male", and just be your normal calm intelligent respectful self. People DO notice this, even if you don't realise it.

Yeah, sometimes others will step up to the plate in times of crisis, whether they are the best person to do it or not. A lot of the time, they will completely screw it up, which will be an opportunity for you to calmly step up and shine when other more outspoken people have failed.

If you have it, it will come naturally when it needs to. Others already can see this in you. Don't worry about it. Have faith in yourself. Remain confident in yourself the way you are.
posted by Diag at 10:55 PM on November 1, 2008