Help me believe in myself
October 27, 2008 5:18 AM Subscribe
What did you do to get over your deep-seated belief that you'll fail at everything you do? In the past this has manifested itself in overtly self-destructive behaviors (e.g. substance abuse), and while those are currently under control I still engage in massive self-sabotage that I'm pretty sure is connected to my belief that I do not deserve success and will fail at anything I try to do.
posted by anonymous to health & fitness (18 answers total) 41 users marked this as a favorite
More background: I'd say I'm no longer depressed. I say this because I know what major depression feels like, I've been in the "I do not want to move from bed unless it will get me closer to my death" place and this is not it. I get up every day and go through the motions, I make half-hearted stabs but ultimately never try all that hard because I'm convinced my efforts at being more than a fuck-up are futile. To give you an idea of how bad this is, whenever I have nightmares of wherein my death/destruction is imminent, like being chased by a monster or something, my immediate reaction in my dreams is to give up and wait for the end to come. If friends as the question whether I am a better person than, say, Jeffrey Dahmer, I can't answer it. I know the logical answer is that I am, but I can't say that without feeling like I'm speaking a horrible lie.
I'm not suicidal, I'm not working towards my death. But I'm not working for my life either. There's just no sense of self-preservation, of planning for the future, of feeling like it's even possible to reach my life goals. Goal-setting seems ridiculous--my rampant procrastination and self-sabotaging behaviors ensure I fail at reaching any goals I might set. I have ADHD, which worsens the procrastination issues.
I work out regularly. I get enough sleep. My diet is not perfect, but it's OK. Understand, this whole hating-myself thing doesn't consume me all day. 90% of the time I try to be happy and oblivious and just go on merrily through life fucking things up. I don't want to die--so why can't I live?
I'm in therapy. Yes, I'm already in therapy! It's not working. Therapy has never worked for me--I can say this pretty confidently because I've been to two or three psychiatrists and five or six therapists in the past decade and they have all done pretty much jack-shit. Any improvements I've made vis-a-vis the substance abuse and major depression have been through force of will and social support. The therapists were nice and all but all they did was get me more bogged down in self-analysis. I don't need more self-analysis--I have done so much goddamn self-analysis I can't keep it the narrative straight anymore. I know where all these problems come from, I've known for longer than a decade, and knowing hasn't helped any. I need action. But what should that action be? How do I begin to believe in myself?