I feel too young
August 6, 2008 4:19 PM Subscribe
How to make the transition from slacker to leader?
I'm 30, but am rather immature do to being socially isolated for many years in my late teens and early 20s. My therapist thinks that I'm emotionally adolescent in some ways, particularly with my tendency to "try on" different identities in the hopes that one will fit. However, I'm actually a rather deep guy--intelligent, thoughtful, and sensitive.
This is all by way of saying that I've developed a reputation at work as a really smart guy who can't be counted on to get stuff done. Definitely not a go-to guy. Definitely not the guy you're going to give important responsibilities to. It's the same with my friends; I'm *never* the person they go to when they have big issues to deal with (I realize this may be a blessing in disguise).
I actually think that I'm a pretty awesome guy, and many (mature) people agree. But there are times when my immaturity makes me feel very alone amongst my peers. Particularly in romance. For example, I have a very blunt, borderline obscene, online dating profile that many girls (and some very mature ones) completely love (insofar as they see it as humorous, which it is intended to be), but there are times when I'll see some other dude's very "normal" profile, and looking back at mine makes me feel about 13 years old. That's a feeling I have fairly often in different areas of my life. Like with a girl I just can't get over. I feel like she could be my mother, emotionally speaking.
Is it possible to rehabilitate one's reputation in an environment where one has spent years establishing it? Or does it require finding new work and new friends? And how do I make the philosophical journey? Do I just need to go through this phase that I should have gone through in high school? Is that a necessary part of becoming mature?
Has anyone actually gone through this as an adult?
Thanks!
I'm 30, but am rather immature do to being socially isolated for many years in my late teens and early 20s. My therapist thinks that I'm emotionally adolescent in some ways, particularly with my tendency to "try on" different identities in the hopes that one will fit. However, I'm actually a rather deep guy--intelligent, thoughtful, and sensitive.
This is all by way of saying that I've developed a reputation at work as a really smart guy who can't be counted on to get stuff done. Definitely not a go-to guy. Definitely not the guy you're going to give important responsibilities to. It's the same with my friends; I'm *never* the person they go to when they have big issues to deal with (I realize this may be a blessing in disguise).
I actually think that I'm a pretty awesome guy, and many (mature) people agree. But there are times when my immaturity makes me feel very alone amongst my peers. Particularly in romance. For example, I have a very blunt, borderline obscene, online dating profile that many girls (and some very mature ones) completely love (insofar as they see it as humorous, which it is intended to be), but there are times when I'll see some other dude's very "normal" profile, and looking back at mine makes me feel about 13 years old. That's a feeling I have fairly often in different areas of my life. Like with a girl I just can't get over. I feel like she could be my mother, emotionally speaking.
Is it possible to rehabilitate one's reputation in an environment where one has spent years establishing it? Or does it require finding new work and new friends? And how do I make the philosophical journey? Do I just need to go through this phase that I should have gone through in high school? Is that a necessary part of becoming mature?
Has anyone actually gone through this as an adult?
Thanks!
My answer may sound trite, but of course you can change who you are whenever you want. Sanity demands it. You can start by being better at finishing tasks so that people learn to rely on you, which won't be a glaring change since you're just starting by doing what you're there for. Don't worry about too much work right now, and the next skill you may need to learn here is how to delegate. Worse things could happen.
I figure on a couple of options for the dating thing: 1) ditch the profile and start interacting with potential romantic partners in real life. This will temper your attitude if you go back and edit your profile. 2) Start changing the words in your profile to reflect who you want to be.
posted by rhizome at 5:35 PM on August 6, 2008
I figure on a couple of options for the dating thing: 1) ditch the profile and start interacting with potential romantic partners in real life. This will temper your attitude if you go back and edit your profile. 2) Start changing the words in your profile to reflect who you want to be.
posted by rhizome at 5:35 PM on August 6, 2008
Rhizome's last comment is spot on and you've already started to change the words in your head, so perhaps the next step is action. Make the changes you know are needed, make them obvious, and don't be afraid to let people see what you're doing. Actions speak louder than words. Especially actions to change any inappropriate words on your dating profile!! You might find these quotes useful. Jack Canfield is not everybody's cup of tea, but I found his book both readable and practical when I decided to change my life last year. So far, so good!
"Jack Canfield begins his book: The Success Principles: How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be, with a quote from the American business philosopher, Jim Rohn:
"You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself.”
At heart we all know this to be the case, yet how many people sit back waiting for development opportunities to be offered on a plate? Our own personal development is our own personal responsibility. To quote Jack Canfield again:
“You either create or allow everything that happens to you.”
We can either allow ourselves to idle through life, or we can create the personal and professional lives we want by self development.
'If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.' Thomas Edison"
posted by the-happy-manager at 6:27 PM on August 6, 2008 [3 favorites]
"Jack Canfield begins his book: The Success Principles: How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be, with a quote from the American business philosopher, Jim Rohn:
"You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself.”
At heart we all know this to be the case, yet how many people sit back waiting for development opportunities to be offered on a plate? Our own personal development is our own personal responsibility. To quote Jack Canfield again:
“You either create or allow everything that happens to you.”
We can either allow ourselves to idle through life, or we can create the personal and professional lives we want by self development.
'If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.' Thomas Edison"
posted by the-happy-manager at 6:27 PM on August 6, 2008 [3 favorites]
I think this XKCD webcomic was made with you in mind http://xkcd.com/137/.... so read it.
You are going to be the same person for the rest of you life, get comfortable.
posted by pwally at 7:09 PM on August 6, 2008
You are going to be the same person for the rest of you life, get comfortable.
posted by pwally at 7:09 PM on August 6, 2008
The answer to your question is, I think, the following quote: "Act your way into a new way of thinking".
You can definitely change your reputation, and you don't need to go through some theoretical teenage phase to do it. I realise this sounds trite and oversimplified, but all it takes is two steps:
1. Imagine what sort of person you want to be. How you look, how you sound, how you speak, how you stand, how people perceive you, what promises you make, how you look people in the eye, how you consume or produce, how you help, how you complain, how you sacrifice, how you deliver...the ideal you, that reflects your own view of yourself: I'm actually a rather deep guy--intelligent, thoughtful, and sensitive.
2. Act like it.
Difficult? Hell, yes. Effective? Yes, but it takes time, because for people to believe it, you must believe it first, and that's only going to happen when you are so disciplined in acting the ideal you that it seeps down through all the layers of your being and it ceases being an act and it becomes you. Or rather, you become it.
Has anyone actually gone through this as an adult?
I suspect that's what it takes to become one.
By the way, Googling the quote found me this. Good luck, mate.
posted by Cobalt at 8:17 PM on August 6, 2008 [1 favorite]
You can definitely change your reputation, and you don't need to go through some theoretical teenage phase to do it. I realise this sounds trite and oversimplified, but all it takes is two steps:
1. Imagine what sort of person you want to be. How you look, how you sound, how you speak, how you stand, how people perceive you, what promises you make, how you look people in the eye, how you consume or produce, how you help, how you complain, how you sacrifice, how you deliver...the ideal you, that reflects your own view of yourself: I'm actually a rather deep guy--intelligent, thoughtful, and sensitive.
2. Act like it.
Difficult? Hell, yes. Effective? Yes, but it takes time, because for people to believe it, you must believe it first, and that's only going to happen when you are so disciplined in acting the ideal you that it seeps down through all the layers of your being and it ceases being an act and it becomes you. Or rather, you become it.
Has anyone actually gone through this as an adult?
I suspect that's what it takes to become one.
By the way, Googling the quote found me this. Good luck, mate.
posted by Cobalt at 8:17 PM on August 6, 2008 [1 favorite]
You say that I've developed a reputation at work as a really smart guy who can't be counted on to get stuff done.
Cobalt is right in saying "Act your way into a new way of thinking".
This is something you can definitely work on, and the cliche that "action speaks louder than words" is true. The full quote is actually "Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often."(Mark Twain.) Twain also said: “The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.”
Start to change your reputation at work by acting on your resolve to change. Follow through on what you are asked to do. Try to get things done, done well, on time, or early. Do things without being asked - it doesn't even need to be anything major. Notice things around the office that need to be done, and do them.
Pay attention to your co-workers along the lines of anything from: Ellen, I know how much you like Ireland, I saw a really nice picture of Dublin on the net and am emailing it to you; to, Fred, I know you are up against that deadline on the x project, can I help?
Believe me, people will start to notice, and eventually your reputation will change.
Note though that it is not unusual to feel too young/immature/insecure/unprepared, no matter what your age. Talk to any 80 year old and they will tell you that they still feel about 25 and unprepared sometimes. Maturity is partly just developing coping strategies to deal with it.
posted by gudrun at 10:43 PM on August 6, 2008
Cobalt is right in saying "Act your way into a new way of thinking".
This is something you can definitely work on, and the cliche that "action speaks louder than words" is true. The full quote is actually "Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often."(Mark Twain.) Twain also said: “The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.”
Start to change your reputation at work by acting on your resolve to change. Follow through on what you are asked to do. Try to get things done, done well, on time, or early. Do things without being asked - it doesn't even need to be anything major. Notice things around the office that need to be done, and do them.
Pay attention to your co-workers along the lines of anything from: Ellen, I know how much you like Ireland, I saw a really nice picture of Dublin on the net and am emailing it to you; to, Fred, I know you are up against that deadline on the x project, can I help?
Believe me, people will start to notice, and eventually your reputation will change.
Note though that it is not unusual to feel too young/immature/insecure/unprepared, no matter what your age. Talk to any 80 year old and they will tell you that they still feel about 25 and unprepared sometimes. Maturity is partly just developing coping strategies to deal with it.
posted by gudrun at 10:43 PM on August 6, 2008
Care.
You're probably a slacker at your job because you hate your job. It bores you. Your friends probably bore you too. Get a new job that interests you, doing something you care about (ideally, something you'd happily do for free). Make new friends who challenge you more.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 11:20 PM on August 6, 2008
You're probably a slacker at your job because you hate your job. It bores you. Your friends probably bore you too. Get a new job that interests you, doing something you care about (ideally, something you'd happily do for free). Make new friends who challenge you more.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 11:20 PM on August 6, 2008
As a mid-30-something guy who has recently and abruptly gone from lone wolf to team lead, I agree with the big pictures everyone else is painting here, but have a few points to add.
First, the best advice I ever got from a professor in college was this - "Credibility is all you have. Once you lose it, you need to move on and rebuild somewhere new." Seems obvious, but it helps to ask yourself what "credibility" really is. For me, it's:
-- Having a plan (or, thoroughly understanding your area of expertise)
-- Explaining the plan to those that you need to align to it
-- Executing the plan based on your explanation (having things work as described - "Hey, he really does know what he's doing!")
In my opinion, the more you understand the nuts and bolts of your plan (or process or area of expertise) and what everyone's stake in the game is, the more you can begin to understand WHY the system you're responsible for building/executing is a priority for the business. Further, the more you understand the why, the more you can find new ways to rearrange the nuts and bolts and the easier it will be to identify how to sell your improvements/efficiencies/creativity back to everyone who needs to be sold.
In other words, you can either be a custodian of the process/knowledge, or you can be a trailblazer. "I know the way from here, let's go" is a more credible statement than, "Let me find the map and we'll be on our way." Own what it is for which you're responsible and be the guy who people trust to navigate them through the dark. Take it apart, put it back together. Live it, breathe it.
Secondly, understand that information is your currency. To sell your credibility, you need to understand not only how and why things work the way they do, but you need information to support that how and why. You'll be responsible for leading people who believe they already know enough to figure things out for themselves, but if you can support your subject matter expertise with actual data gained from analysis, experience, or both, then you have a much greater shot at being seen as a leader.
I got to where I am by understanding my systems so thoroughly that I can argue from operational, strategic and even philosophical perspectives, regardless as to whether I'm talking with an expert in my field or someone with no exposure to my business at all. It was entirely based on credibility that I am getting a chance to shape a team to execute the way I expect.
Everyone else here has good and valid points, but I like aeschenkarnos' one word intro to his post:
CARE.
posted by GamblingBlues at 6:03 AM on August 7, 2008 [3 favorites]
First, the best advice I ever got from a professor in college was this - "Credibility is all you have. Once you lose it, you need to move on and rebuild somewhere new." Seems obvious, but it helps to ask yourself what "credibility" really is. For me, it's:
-- Having a plan (or, thoroughly understanding your area of expertise)
-- Explaining the plan to those that you need to align to it
-- Executing the plan based on your explanation (having things work as described - "Hey, he really does know what he's doing!")
In my opinion, the more you understand the nuts and bolts of your plan (or process or area of expertise) and what everyone's stake in the game is, the more you can begin to understand WHY the system you're responsible for building/executing is a priority for the business. Further, the more you understand the why, the more you can find new ways to rearrange the nuts and bolts and the easier it will be to identify how to sell your improvements/efficiencies/creativity back to everyone who needs to be sold.
In other words, you can either be a custodian of the process/knowledge, or you can be a trailblazer. "I know the way from here, let's go" is a more credible statement than, "Let me find the map and we'll be on our way." Own what it is for which you're responsible and be the guy who people trust to navigate them through the dark. Take it apart, put it back together. Live it, breathe it.
Secondly, understand that information is your currency. To sell your credibility, you need to understand not only how and why things work the way they do, but you need information to support that how and why. You'll be responsible for leading people who believe they already know enough to figure things out for themselves, but if you can support your subject matter expertise with actual data gained from analysis, experience, or both, then you have a much greater shot at being seen as a leader.
I got to where I am by understanding my systems so thoroughly that I can argue from operational, strategic and even philosophical perspectives, regardless as to whether I'm talking with an expert in my field or someone with no exposure to my business at all. It was entirely based on credibility that I am getting a chance to shape a team to execute the way I expect.
Everyone else here has good and valid points, but I like aeschenkarnos' one word intro to his post:
CARE.
posted by GamblingBlues at 6:03 AM on August 7, 2008 [3 favorites]
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If you want more responsibility - and not the fleeting kind that comes with finishing a report - you have to ask and keep asking and showing you're worth the risk. That's where change happens, when your willingness to take risks propels other people to take risks for you. If you're not willing to take risks in your path to responsibility then by all means continue to look for a mom. But God, do you really think any mom likes a kid who won't run for the ball, who won't fight back, who will give up?
posted by parmanparman at 4:30 PM on August 6, 2008