Love of my life
June 18, 2008 7:17 AM Subscribe
Do you think it is possible to be in love with two people at the same time? I'm talking about total makes your heart shine, your smile light up, head over heels, totally and completely utterly in love with two people at the same time.
I not sure this is possible. I'm of the camp that thinks you only get this earth shattering, heart fluttering, crazy head over heels in love experience once in your life. You may love other people, but not be in love with them that way. Isn't this where the expression "love of my life" came from? Not "loves of my life".
I see alot on news programs or in articles people stating how they had affairs etc because they were in love with two people at the same time. But if you were so in love with these people at the same time, how could you cheat on them and lie to them and still say you were in love with them? This seems like just disrespect and not love at all. Maybe lust, but not love.
What do you think? Is this possible? Have you ever been in love like that with two people (or more) at the same time?
I not sure this is possible. I'm of the camp that thinks you only get this earth shattering, heart fluttering, crazy head over heels in love experience once in your life. You may love other people, but not be in love with them that way. Isn't this where the expression "love of my life" came from? Not "loves of my life".
I see alot on news programs or in articles people stating how they had affairs etc because they were in love with two people at the same time. But if you were so in love with these people at the same time, how could you cheat on them and lie to them and still say you were in love with them? This seems like just disrespect and not love at all. Maybe lust, but not love.
What do you think? Is this possible? Have you ever been in love like that with two people (or more) at the same time?
This post was deleted for the following reason: Really darned chatty, this. -- cortex
It's difficult to compare love for different people, but I am friends with two members of what appears to be a pretty stable (i.e., multi-year) three-way relationship. I can't say I understand the emotional logistics, but it seems possible.
posted by kittyprecious at 7:28 AM on June 18, 2008
posted by kittyprecious at 7:28 AM on June 18, 2008
The "heart-fluttering" type feeling you describe, IMHO, sounds like a crush.
While I think it's definitely possible that someone can be crushing on two people at once, I presume it doesn't happen very often. A crush seems a bit more like an obsession, and the nature of obsession is that it totally consumes your mental energy. I can't imagine being "obsessed" by more than one thing at a time. Somebody with a very special kind of brain chemistry might, however.
I personally have never had a crush on more than 2 people at once.
I can also imagine someone can have a crush on one person, but still feeling a different type of love (one more based on friendship) for someone else.
And then, as you say, lust is a totally different matter.
posted by The ____ of Justice at 7:31 AM on June 18, 2008
While I think it's definitely possible that someone can be crushing on two people at once, I presume it doesn't happen very often. A crush seems a bit more like an obsession, and the nature of obsession is that it totally consumes your mental energy. I can't imagine being "obsessed" by more than one thing at a time. Somebody with a very special kind of brain chemistry might, however.
I personally have never had a crush on more than 2 people at once.
I can also imagine someone can have a crush on one person, but still feeling a different type of love (one more based on friendship) for someone else.
And then, as you say, lust is a totally different matter.
posted by The ____ of Justice at 7:31 AM on June 18, 2008
I'm of the camp that thinks you only get this earth shattering, heart fluttering, crazy head over heels in love experience once in your life. You may love other people, but not be in love with them that way. Isn't this where the expression "love of my life" came from? Not "loves of my life".
This strikes me as potentially quite different from whether you can be in love that way with two people simultaneously. Maybe one possibility is a precondition for the other, but I would distinguish between novelty, sequentialism, and simultaneity. So, for example, maybe the first all-out love is different. I can buy that. But it doesn't mean that you can't have next-best, "jaded" all-out love with more than one person. Maybe even simultaneously.
I think the more fundamental issue you're confronting is that there may be a gulf between the love a person is feeling (which may be endlessly divisible without consequence) and the commitment that the other parties feel (which may involve feelings of jealousy, etc.). I can easily see party A saying, "I love you both incredibly and equally," and parties B and C saying equally validly, "It doesn't feel that way," without having their feelings internalized by A.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 7:32 AM on June 18, 2008
This strikes me as potentially quite different from whether you can be in love that way with two people simultaneously. Maybe one possibility is a precondition for the other, but I would distinguish between novelty, sequentialism, and simultaneity. So, for example, maybe the first all-out love is different. I can buy that. But it doesn't mean that you can't have next-best, "jaded" all-out love with more than one person. Maybe even simultaneously.
I think the more fundamental issue you're confronting is that there may be a gulf between the love a person is feeling (which may be endlessly divisible without consequence) and the commitment that the other parties feel (which may involve feelings of jealousy, etc.). I can easily see party A saying, "I love you both incredibly and equally," and parties B and C saying equally validly, "It doesn't feel that way," without having their feelings internalized by A.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 7:32 AM on June 18, 2008
Yes, I believe it is possible. I don't believe in gods and who else could ordain such a thing? By what mechanism (mental/physical?) would such a limitation exist?
A life with only one possibility sounds like a terrible fate. Should a person who's loved and lost just give up on the rest of their life?
An expression is not much to base a worldview on, and besides, I think the Love Of Your Life is your greatest, most enduring love, regardless of how it came about. The One is a fiction.
I also believe this is a chatty question.
posted by loiseau at 7:36 AM on June 18, 2008
A life with only one possibility sounds like a terrible fate. Should a person who's loved and lost just give up on the rest of their life?
An expression is not much to base a worldview on, and besides, I think the Love Of Your Life is your greatest, most enduring love, regardless of how it came about. The One is a fiction.
I also believe this is a chatty question.
posted by loiseau at 7:36 AM on June 18, 2008
I personally have never had a crush on more than 2 people at once.
should be:
I personally have never had a crush on more than 1 person at a time.
*embarrassed*
posted by The ____ of Justice at 7:37 AM on June 18, 2008
should be:
I personally have never had a crush on more than 1 person at a time.
*embarrassed*
posted by The ____ of Justice at 7:37 AM on June 18, 2008
If two different people make you blissfully happy in two completely different ways then it is possible. I've been down this road before and when I eventually made a choice I felt a huge void in my life and I constantly second guessed myself about whether or not I made the right decision. I know knew that I was a total ass for what I was doing but it seemed as if neither relationship could work unless I knew that I could go to one if I was having problems with the other.
posted by Kevbo947 at 7:42 AM on June 18, 2008
posted by Kevbo947 at 7:42 AM on June 18, 2008
But if you were so in love with these people at the same time, how could you cheat on them and lie to them and still say you were in love with them? This seems like just disrespect and not love at all. Maybe lust, but not love.
It's not necessarily cheating. Suppose they know about each other and approve? Or what xoder said.
posted by Robert Angelo at 7:47 AM on June 18, 2008
It's not necessarily cheating. Suppose they know about each other and approve? Or what xoder said.
posted by Robert Angelo at 7:47 AM on June 18, 2008
nougat said: "I see alot on news programs or in articles people stating how they had affairs etc because they were in love with two people at the same time. But if you were so in love with these people at the same time, how could you cheat on them and lie to them and still say you were in love with them? This seems like just disrespect and not love at all. Maybe lust, but not love. "
I should add. This is a situation that no one ever understands or sympathizes with until they find themselves in it. It's pointless to judge. Humans are selfish and beyond fallible; we are capable of hurting people we love.
posted by loiseau at 7:53 AM on June 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
I should add. This is a situation that no one ever understands or sympathizes with until they find themselves in it. It's pointless to judge. Humans are selfish and beyond fallible; we are capable of hurting people we love.
posted by loiseau at 7:53 AM on June 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
I'm of the camp that thinks you only get this earth shattering, heart fluttering, crazy head over heels in love experience once in your life.
If this is your experience, it is unusual. There's a reason why the trope exists of the teenager lurching from OMG THE GREATEST LOVE EVER YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND to an intense breakup to some other OMG OUR LOVE MAKES ROMEO AND JULIET LOOK LIKE CASUAL ACQUAINTANCES YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND.
But if you were so in love with these people at the same time, how could you cheat on them and lie to them and still say you were in love with them?
You could have complex emotions that are in conflict with each other.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:00 AM on June 18, 2008
If this is your experience, it is unusual. There's a reason why the trope exists of the teenager lurching from OMG THE GREATEST LOVE EVER YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND to an intense breakup to some other OMG OUR LOVE MAKES ROMEO AND JULIET LOOK LIKE CASUAL ACQUAINTANCES YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND.
But if you were so in love with these people at the same time, how could you cheat on them and lie to them and still say you were in love with them?
You could have complex emotions that are in conflict with each other.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:00 AM on June 18, 2008
Best answer: Been there, done that, have the scars. I used to feel that there was "one person" for everyone. That there was "one true love" waiting out there for you. I think a lot of that thinking is a lifetime of watching Hollywood movies. Life is wonderful with a scriptwriter on stand-by.
Years later, having been head-over-heels in love with two people (and they did overlap slightly) I now believe there are a variety of people who come in and out of your life that you could potentially have those feelings about.
How sad to think there is only one key out there to unlock your heart.
There are lots of keys... different shapes and types, some will work now, some wouldn't work until years down the road when your heart is slightly changed, but lots of keys.
posted by pixlboi at 8:03 AM on June 18, 2008
Years later, having been head-over-heels in love with two people (and they did overlap slightly) I now believe there are a variety of people who come in and out of your life that you could potentially have those feelings about.
How sad to think there is only one key out there to unlock your heart.
There are lots of keys... different shapes and types, some will work now, some wouldn't work until years down the road when your heart is slightly changed, but lots of keys.
posted by pixlboi at 8:03 AM on June 18, 2008
It depends on what you mean by "at once." I often say I'm reading two books at once, but I don't mean it literally. I mean I start reading book B before I've finished book A, and that I alternate between them.
If you mean it in that sense, then I feel comfortable saying of course it's possible. In fact, I have a hard time understand why you -- or anyone -- would think it's not possible. (And I say that even though I personally have never been in love with two people at once.)
Let's use an analogy: I can have a a passionate desire to eat pizza and a passionate desire to eat potato chips at the same time. Unless you think love is supernatural, why wouldn't it be possible to feel love for two people at once.
Certainly, many many people feel passionate love for a spouse and a child (and a dog and a parent and a sibling) at the same time. Those types of love may be different, but they can all be equally passionate. So why not passionate love for two people at the same time? I'm not sure what would stop this from happening.
posted by grumblebee at 8:03 AM on June 18, 2008
If you mean it in that sense, then I feel comfortable saying of course it's possible. In fact, I have a hard time understand why you -- or anyone -- would think it's not possible. (And I say that even though I personally have never been in love with two people at once.)
Let's use an analogy: I can have a a passionate desire to eat pizza and a passionate desire to eat potato chips at the same time. Unless you think love is supernatural, why wouldn't it be possible to feel love for two people at once.
Certainly, many many people feel passionate love for a spouse and a child (and a dog and a parent and a sibling) at the same time. Those types of love may be different, but they can all be equally passionate. So why not passionate love for two people at the same time? I'm not sure what would stop this from happening.
posted by grumblebee at 8:03 AM on June 18, 2008
Disclosure: I'm a Christian.
Is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time? Absolutely.
As to the ethics of entering into a second relationship when you're already in a committed one, well, that's a thornier issue.
I tend to think that emotions are a bit like weather in that you really can't choose them; they happen to you. I believe that one of many factors that separates adults from overgrown children is the degree to which they let their emotions drive their decisions.
In any event, being in such a situation presents many difficulties. I wish you luck.
posted by DWRoelands at 8:05 AM on June 18, 2008
Is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time? Absolutely.
As to the ethics of entering into a second relationship when you're already in a committed one, well, that's a thornier issue.
I tend to think that emotions are a bit like weather in that you really can't choose them; they happen to you. I believe that one of many factors that separates adults from overgrown children is the degree to which they let their emotions drive their decisions.
In any event, being in such a situation presents many difficulties. I wish you luck.
posted by DWRoelands at 8:05 AM on June 18, 2008
Yes, it is possible; I've experienced it and I've known others who have. It presents its own unique difficulties, but as long as everyone concerned is honest about what's happening and what they feel, it by no means has to result in heartbreak (at least, no more than a 'normal' relationship). The trouble is that it can be very difficult to be honest about something like that because it goes so strongly against the expectatons of society.
posted by Drexen at 8:05 AM on June 18, 2008
posted by Drexen at 8:05 AM on June 18, 2008
I see alot on news programs or in articles people stating how they had affairs etc because they were in love with two people at the same time. But if you were so in love with these people at the same time, how could you cheat on them and lie to them and still say you were in love with them? This seems like just disrespect and not love at all. Maybe lust, but not love.
You're confusing a feeling with an action. Love is a feeling; cheating on someone is an action. Feelings TEND to lead to certain actions, but they don't inevitably lead to them -- and they don't inevitably lead to the same action in two different people.
Disrespect and love are not opposites. Disrespect may be the opposite of SHOWING love, but it's not the opposite of feeling love. I wish I was a perfect person, but I'm not. I've disrespected people I love before (hopefully, I don't do it often). It doesn't mean I love them any less. It means I'm a person with multiple, conflicting drives.
posted by grumblebee at 8:06 AM on June 18, 2008
You're confusing a feeling with an action. Love is a feeling; cheating on someone is an action. Feelings TEND to lead to certain actions, but they don't inevitably lead to them -- and they don't inevitably lead to the same action in two different people.
Disrespect and love are not opposites. Disrespect may be the opposite of SHOWING love, but it's not the opposite of feeling love. I wish I was a perfect person, but I'm not. I've disrespected people I love before (hopefully, I don't do it often). It doesn't mean I love them any less. It means I'm a person with multiple, conflicting drives.
posted by grumblebee at 8:06 AM on June 18, 2008
No. Not at the same time. I'm willing to bet you're a player and you have got hung up on a couple of people now.
posted by GoodJob! at 8:08 AM on June 18, 2008
posted by GoodJob! at 8:08 AM on June 18, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Xoder at 7:28 AM on June 18, 2008