Mrs Jones has the goods
May 27, 2008 3:43 PM Subscribe
There is this girl I've had a crush on for about 4 years. She works in a shop, and our relationship is limited to talking in the shop. She has had a boyfriend for a long time.
I recently was away for a long period of time, and now that I'm back, she seems to have gotten more serious with her boyfriend, but at the same time now wants to invite me to dinner! What's up with this?
(Long, long story)
This is a complex situation, and I'll have to explain thoroughly so you can get the nuances of the relationship. About 4 years ago, I moved homes. I walked into a small shop nearby, and there was this very pretty girl behind the counter. I left without saying a word, thought about what to say, and the next time I met her, I started conversing. She told me straight away she had a boyfriend.
All the same, I went to see her once or twice a week, and we would actually spend hours talking to each other. We both enjoy talking to each other, and she would often make me stay on so we could chat.
At the time I had no girlfriend, but after maybe 6 months or so I got a girlfriend. I told her about this girl, and once I actually brought the girl to the shop. After a while I broke up with this, and have cycled through about 4 girlfriends through this period. Each of those girls have come with me to the shop.
One of my girlfriends got all pissed off after I visited the shop with her, because she said she saw that that shopgirl liked me. I asked what made her think that, and she said its a womans instinct. This was about 2 years ago.
All through this time, me and the shopgirl only ever met outside the shop 3-4 times. We went shopping at a mall nearbye once (she picked a shirt for me), we ate at McDonalds together a few times, and we once went to a cinema, but with another girlfriend of mine.
I invited her many times to bars and clubs but she always said no.
At a certain period she told me about the problems she was having with her boyfriend and asked me why I always came to visit her. I said because I like it there. That's the furthest we have ever spoken about us hanging out together at the shop. A few times in the summer she would text message me to come over to the shop.
So you see, we have this weird shop based relationship where we're friends but we don't hang out outside. We just hang out inside the shop. We never call and talk to each other. We just talk in the shop.
(Why do I keep going back? I can't explain it, but she is the only person that makes me feel like I'm finally home.)
So recently I went traveling. I was out of town for about 8 months, and this is the first time for the past 4 years where a month has gone by where we have not seen each other.
I get back, and after few weeks I go back to the shop to see if she's there. She exclaims when I come in, and comes and hugs me, which is basically the first physical interaction I've ever had with her. We chat a bit, and she tells me that she works on saturdays too, and if I want I can come see her.
I gather in this conversation that she has moved in with her boyfriend in the meantime.
A few weeks later I go into the shop on saturday and sure enough, she is there. We stand and talk, and the wierd thing is that she is standing too close to me. You know the space you keep between friends, well, it was just a bit closer than that.
We talk to each other, and she tells me she moved in with her boyfriend and they've been living together for about 5 months. She tells me he travels a lot, and shows me photos of her home (something she never did before). She also makes the statement that it's sometimes good when he travels, which was kind of weird as she just popped that out.
It turns out that her boyfriend was now making a fair bit of money in his job, he had to travel a lot and they had bought some pretty expensive electronics. But she was still working in the shop. She also mentioned that she had been out for cocktails recently, which was odd, as she had not been a drinker before I left.
So I spent a few hours there and we chatted and talked, with her mostly telling me about herself. She would mention her boyfriend casually, and strangley she now made sentences like "he always wants to have the best meat" and "he does not eat normal icecream anymore, just the expensive type".
Another thing she told me is that she's bored. She said she wanted to start university, but she did not even know the basics of how this would work. I explained to her, and she seemed intruiged.
When I was about to leave, she asked for my number (she had it, but for some reason must have deleted it while I was gone), and then told me that she'll call me for us to go out to dinner. She asked when I had time, and I told her either in the next 2 weeks or in 5 weeks. She said - well of course I'll call you in the next 2 weeks.
Now, I left thinking - this has gotten weird. She never wanted to do anything with me before, and now she is suddenly speaking about us having dinner? And about how her boyfriend is away all the time? And she's now drinking?
I'm sitting and trying to figure out - what does all this mean? Is she bored enough that she wants to have an affair? Is her boyfriend breaking up with her such that she is lining me up as the next? Is she now feeling more stable in her relationship with her boyfriend that she does not feel the need to hide anymore? Is her boyfriend getting arrogant and pushing her away? Is she hanging out with new drinking friends that are putting wild ideas into her mind?
I really like this girl and all through the girlfriends I've had, this shop girl has been the one constant one. She's the only person in the world that I feel extremly comfortable with.
But I could never come between her and her boyfriend because if you steal a girl from her boyfriend, she'll resent you sooner or later in my opinion.
I just kinda want to wait it out to see if they break up so I can step in at take over. I feel as if something might be changing right now, but I don't know what, and I'm not sure what the correct reaction would be.
What would you advice me to do?
This is a complex situation, and I'll have to explain thoroughly so you can get the nuances of the relationship. About 4 years ago, I moved homes. I walked into a small shop nearby, and there was this very pretty girl behind the counter. I left without saying a word, thought about what to say, and the next time I met her, I started conversing. She told me straight away she had a boyfriend.
All the same, I went to see her once or twice a week, and we would actually spend hours talking to each other. We both enjoy talking to each other, and she would often make me stay on so we could chat.
At the time I had no girlfriend, but after maybe 6 months or so I got a girlfriend. I told her about this girl, and once I actually brought the girl to the shop. After a while I broke up with this, and have cycled through about 4 girlfriends through this period. Each of those girls have come with me to the shop.
One of my girlfriends got all pissed off after I visited the shop with her, because she said she saw that that shopgirl liked me. I asked what made her think that, and she said its a womans instinct. This was about 2 years ago.
All through this time, me and the shopgirl only ever met outside the shop 3-4 times. We went shopping at a mall nearbye once (she picked a shirt for me), we ate at McDonalds together a few times, and we once went to a cinema, but with another girlfriend of mine.
I invited her many times to bars and clubs but she always said no.
At a certain period she told me about the problems she was having with her boyfriend and asked me why I always came to visit her. I said because I like it there. That's the furthest we have ever spoken about us hanging out together at the shop. A few times in the summer she would text message me to come over to the shop.
So you see, we have this weird shop based relationship where we're friends but we don't hang out outside. We just hang out inside the shop. We never call and talk to each other. We just talk in the shop.
(Why do I keep going back? I can't explain it, but she is the only person that makes me feel like I'm finally home.)
So recently I went traveling. I was out of town for about 8 months, and this is the first time for the past 4 years where a month has gone by where we have not seen each other.
I get back, and after few weeks I go back to the shop to see if she's there. She exclaims when I come in, and comes and hugs me, which is basically the first physical interaction I've ever had with her. We chat a bit, and she tells me that she works on saturdays too, and if I want I can come see her.
I gather in this conversation that she has moved in with her boyfriend in the meantime.
A few weeks later I go into the shop on saturday and sure enough, she is there. We stand and talk, and the wierd thing is that she is standing too close to me. You know the space you keep between friends, well, it was just a bit closer than that.
We talk to each other, and she tells me she moved in with her boyfriend and they've been living together for about 5 months. She tells me he travels a lot, and shows me photos of her home (something she never did before). She also makes the statement that it's sometimes good when he travels, which was kind of weird as she just popped that out.
It turns out that her boyfriend was now making a fair bit of money in his job, he had to travel a lot and they had bought some pretty expensive electronics. But she was still working in the shop. She also mentioned that she had been out for cocktails recently, which was odd, as she had not been a drinker before I left.
So I spent a few hours there and we chatted and talked, with her mostly telling me about herself. She would mention her boyfriend casually, and strangley she now made sentences like "he always wants to have the best meat" and "he does not eat normal icecream anymore, just the expensive type".
Another thing she told me is that she's bored. She said she wanted to start university, but she did not even know the basics of how this would work. I explained to her, and she seemed intruiged.
When I was about to leave, she asked for my number (she had it, but for some reason must have deleted it while I was gone), and then told me that she'll call me for us to go out to dinner. She asked when I had time, and I told her either in the next 2 weeks or in 5 weeks. She said - well of course I'll call you in the next 2 weeks.
Now, I left thinking - this has gotten weird. She never wanted to do anything with me before, and now she is suddenly speaking about us having dinner? And about how her boyfriend is away all the time? And she's now drinking?
I'm sitting and trying to figure out - what does all this mean? Is she bored enough that she wants to have an affair? Is her boyfriend breaking up with her such that she is lining me up as the next? Is she now feeling more stable in her relationship with her boyfriend that she does not feel the need to hide anymore? Is her boyfriend getting arrogant and pushing her away? Is she hanging out with new drinking friends that are putting wild ideas into her mind?
I really like this girl and all through the girlfriends I've had, this shop girl has been the one constant one. She's the only person in the world that I feel extremly comfortable with.
But I could never come between her and her boyfriend because if you steal a girl from her boyfriend, she'll resent you sooner or later in my opinion.
I just kinda want to wait it out to see if they break up so I can step in at take over. I feel as if something might be changing right now, but I don't know what, and I'm not sure what the correct reaction would be.
What would you advice me to do?
sounds like she's "keeping you warm" so she'll have a fellow on standby if and when she breaks up. alternatively, perhaps she is too unsophisticated/insecure to break up for her own reasons and has to rely on another man's interest to inspire her to move on.
i don't doubt your intentions, but hers are a little fuzzy. i think dinner and a frank talk might be just the ticket. see what she wants from you.
posted by thinkingwoman at 3:59 PM on May 27, 2008
i don't doubt your intentions, but hers are a little fuzzy. i think dinner and a frank talk might be just the ticket. see what she wants from you.
posted by thinkingwoman at 3:59 PM on May 27, 2008
A possible flaw with 'wait and see what happens' is that months and years will go by without anything happening. They'll have a rocky period, they'll get over it, they'll go on, and you'll still be there waiting for her to break up with him. And in the meantime, you probably wont be able to have a genuine relationship with anyone else because clearly this woman is at the forefront of your mind.
I think that at some point (perhaps at this dinner, depending on what happens) you should gently let her know that you're interested in being more than the guy at the shop, and that you shink she should break up with her fella (there are okay ways and there are truly terrible ways to do this). If you don't get that out in the open, you could be in for four more years of the current situation.
posted by twirlypen at 4:09 PM on May 27, 2008
I think that at some point (perhaps at this dinner, depending on what happens) you should gently let her know that you're interested in being more than the guy at the shop, and that you shink she should break up with her fella (there are okay ways and there are truly terrible ways to do this). If you don't get that out in the open, you could be in for four more years of the current situation.
posted by twirlypen at 4:09 PM on May 27, 2008
Long story short: You have a strong attraction to a girl who lives with her boyfriend and has expressed an interest in you.
Now, when you think about what to do, think about that short sentence only. Do not think of what she has said when, how she stood next to you while your heart pounded, or how she smelled one spring morning a year ago. Wonderful as those things are, they distract you from thinking about the key issue, which is the sentence I have written above.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:16 PM on May 27, 2008 [4 favorites]
Now, when you think about what to do, think about that short sentence only. Do not think of what she has said when, how she stood next to you while your heart pounded, or how she smelled one spring morning a year ago. Wonderful as those things are, they distract you from thinking about the key issue, which is the sentence I have written above.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:16 PM on May 27, 2008 [4 favorites]
jesus. four years. four years dude. you've been idealizing this girl for years.
I really like this girl and all through the girlfriends I've had, this shop girl has been the one constant one. She's the only person in the world that I feel extremly comfortable with.
this is because you don't actually have a real relationship with her. so of course it's easy. and because you've also idealized her. because you don't actually know her well at all outside of conversations inside a shop.
Another thing she told me is that she's bored.
this is why she asked you to dinner. because her boyfriend travels a lot, because she doesn't seem to have a whole lot else going on, and because she's bored. also, because she likes the attention you've been giving her the past four of years.
while i was reading your post, i was beginning to wonder if you've idealized this girl so much that it's interfering with your ability to actually have a relationship because you somehow keep involving her in the relationships you have had. the fact that you have brought each of your girlfriends to the shop is a little…weird in light of your feelings for this girl.
posted by violetk at 4:23 PM on May 27, 2008 [8 favorites]
I really like this girl and all through the girlfriends I've had, this shop girl has been the one constant one. She's the only person in the world that I feel extremly comfortable with.
this is because you don't actually have a real relationship with her. so of course it's easy. and because you've also idealized her. because you don't actually know her well at all outside of conversations inside a shop.
Another thing she told me is that she's bored.
this is why she asked you to dinner. because her boyfriend travels a lot, because she doesn't seem to have a whole lot else going on, and because she's bored. also, because she likes the attention you've been giving her the past four of years.
while i was reading your post, i was beginning to wonder if you've idealized this girl so much that it's interfering with your ability to actually have a relationship because you somehow keep involving her in the relationships you have had. the fact that you have brought each of your girlfriends to the shop is a little…weird in light of your feelings for this girl.
posted by violetk at 4:23 PM on May 27, 2008 [8 favorites]
I don't think she wants to have an affair, per se. I think maybe she's feeling her relationship has gotten stale, has gotten a little too serious (she's moved in with him!), and now she feels smothered or trapped - and she's looking for a way out. People in "serious" relationships often have trouble saying "no" to their significant others, leading to all sorts of regrettable situations
It would help if we knew how old she is, and you are. I'm guessing she's grown and matured a lot in the past 4 years, become less shy, and realizes that there might be more out there.
You could be the jerk that breaks up her relationship! That's not necessarily a bad thing. How will you feel when she's dating some other guy that's not you in six months?
But, all of that is speculation. You might as well have dinner with her - perhaps more than once - in order to get the full story on it.
posted by jabberjaw at 4:39 PM on May 27, 2008
It would help if we knew how old she is, and you are. I'm guessing she's grown and matured a lot in the past 4 years, become less shy, and realizes that there might be more out there.
You could be the jerk that breaks up her relationship! That's not necessarily a bad thing. How will you feel when she's dating some other guy that's not you in six months?
But, all of that is speculation. You might as well have dinner with her - perhaps more than once - in order to get the full story on it.
posted by jabberjaw at 4:39 PM on May 27, 2008
My advise to you is to forget about this girl. It's a hard thing to do I realize, especially since you've been into her for so long, but I honestly think it's the best thing for all involved in this situation.
None of the things you mention about the way this girl has been behaving toward you indicates that she likes you. Maybe she does, or maybe she just sees you as a good, fun friend. And she's the only one who knows for certain.
Even if she's not feeling it for her boyfriend anymore....let's say she breaks up with him next week.....do you really want to start dating a girl who just broke up with such a long term boyfriend?
And if she's not interested in you.....well, I'm generally of the opinion that it's not wise to stay close friends with an unobtainable crush. I know it's possible, but in my experiences that's never worked out very well. Plus it would allow you to focus more on other obtainable girls if you're not still hung up on this one.
I'm not saying you'll never have a chance with this girl. The best situation I see is allowing your friendship with her to cool for a while (minimal contact with her), allow her to assess her situation with her boyfriend without the influence of a potential new beau around (you), and if she eventually breaks up with him perhaps you'll run into her in a couple months after she's good and over him, and then you can take it wherever you want.
posted by Squee at 4:39 PM on May 27, 2008
None of the things you mention about the way this girl has been behaving toward you indicates that she likes you. Maybe she does, or maybe she just sees you as a good, fun friend. And she's the only one who knows for certain.
Even if she's not feeling it for her boyfriend anymore....let's say she breaks up with him next week.....do you really want to start dating a girl who just broke up with such a long term boyfriend?
And if she's not interested in you.....well, I'm generally of the opinion that it's not wise to stay close friends with an unobtainable crush. I know it's possible, but in my experiences that's never worked out very well. Plus it would allow you to focus more on other obtainable girls if you're not still hung up on this one.
I'm not saying you'll never have a chance with this girl. The best situation I see is allowing your friendship with her to cool for a while (minimal contact with her), allow her to assess her situation with her boyfriend without the influence of a potential new beau around (you), and if she eventually breaks up with him perhaps you'll run into her in a couple months after she's good and over him, and then you can take it wherever you want.
posted by Squee at 4:39 PM on May 27, 2008
Based upon you wanting to wait and see... one of three things are going to happen: 1) You two will have an affair when she makes the first move. 2) She'll keep you warm for now and one day down the road she MAY break up with her boyfriend MAY fall into your arms. 3) You'll tell her that you dig her and that you're happy to just be friends, but that if she were to be break up with her you'd shower her with flowers and court her.
If you want her, tell her. Otherwise you may never get her or you'll only get her via an affair.
posted by pwb503 at 4:43 PM on May 27, 2008
If you want her, tell her. Otherwise you may never get her or you'll only get her via an affair.
posted by pwb503 at 4:43 PM on May 27, 2008
What would you advice me to do?
My advise to you is to forget about this girl.
Whoops! Anon, I'll trade you my "advise" for your "advice" and then perhaps we could call it a good day in SpellcheckLand!
posted by Squee at 4:43 PM on May 27, 2008
My advise to you is to forget about this girl.
Whoops! Anon, I'll trade you my "advise" for your "advice" and then perhaps we could call it a good day in SpellcheckLand!
posted by Squee at 4:43 PM on May 27, 2008
But I could never come between her and her boyfriend because if you steal a girl from her boyfriend, she'll resent you sooner or later in my opinion.
That's crazytalk. Most of my serious relationships have started with getting rid of the current (wrong) guy. She won't resent you, she'll remember that your feelings were that strong, love conquers all, it's romantic. Whose happiness is more important, yours' and shop girl's, or her random bozo boyfriend? If she is good and you want, you take. Do you want? That's what isn't entirely clear from this long story.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:06 PM on May 27, 2008
That's crazytalk. Most of my serious relationships have started with getting rid of the current (wrong) guy. She won't resent you, she'll remember that your feelings were that strong, love conquers all, it's romantic. Whose happiness is more important, yours' and shop girl's, or her random bozo boyfriend? If she is good and you want, you take. Do you want? That's what isn't entirely clear from this long story.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:06 PM on May 27, 2008
Maybe she simply likes hanging out with you and wants to build a closer friendship with you and you are overanalyzing her signals. It kind of sounds like you've idealized this girl in your head and set up some high standards and expectations of who she is and what her motivations are. The fact that you are surprised that she goes out for cocktails now, illustrates this. The potential for you to be disappointed is very high. You've built this girl up in your mind for years and put her on a pedestal.
Spend some time with her outside of the store. Outside of the element of the store, she might seem like a completely different person. You have no real idea what she is like when she is off work and being herself.
Also, say that she *does* cheat on her boyfriend with you. You'll know that she has the capacity to do the same to you if you do end up dating.
posted by pluckysparrow at 5:07 PM on May 27, 2008
Spend some time with her outside of the store. Outside of the element of the store, she might seem like a completely different person. You have no real idea what she is like when she is off work and being herself.
Also, say that she *does* cheat on her boyfriend with you. You'll know that she has the capacity to do the same to you if you do end up dating.
posted by pluckysparrow at 5:07 PM on May 27, 2008
She's made clear that she has a man, that she's living with him, that he's out of town often and she sees advantages to that, and that she'd like to spend an evening with you. You've made clear that you want to hang out with her with no strings attached. Maybe she just wants you to wax that ass.
posted by nicwolff at 5:27 PM on May 27, 2008
posted by nicwolff at 5:27 PM on May 27, 2008
Two things here:
1) Fuck the boyfriend. They've been going out forever, and they're not married. She's fair game, living with him or not.
2) Almost all women are bitches about this, but they love to hang out with guys who have crushes on them. They'll say, "Oh Johnny is just a friend" when they know Johnny wants to be more than friends while she doesn't. She thinks Johnny is sweet and doesn't really care the only reason for his sweetness is that Johnny wants to get with her. To guys, this is cruel but to girls this is OK. She could very well be doing this to you.
So how to proceed? First of all, go to dinner with her and hang out with her as much as possible You may find out she's annoying and dumb outside of the shop and you don't want to hang out with her. Or maybe you'll like her even more, but realize you're stuck in the friendship zone. Or maybe something happens where she leaves the BF and gets with you.
If you've been investing 4 years hanging out in some retarded shop just to talk to her this is pretty much your only recourse. See her outside the shop. Fuck the boyfriend.
posted by b_thinky at 6:13 PM on May 27, 2008
1) Fuck the boyfriend. They've been going out forever, and they're not married. She's fair game, living with him or not.
2) Almost all women are bitches about this, but they love to hang out with guys who have crushes on them. They'll say, "Oh Johnny is just a friend" when they know Johnny wants to be more than friends while she doesn't. She thinks Johnny is sweet and doesn't really care the only reason for his sweetness is that Johnny wants to get with her. To guys, this is cruel but to girls this is OK. She could very well be doing this to you.
So how to proceed? First of all, go to dinner with her and hang out with her as much as possible You may find out she's annoying and dumb outside of the shop and you don't want to hang out with her. Or maybe you'll like her even more, but realize you're stuck in the friendship zone. Or maybe something happens where she leaves the BF and gets with you.
If you've been investing 4 years hanging out in some retarded shop just to talk to her this is pretty much your only recourse. See her outside the shop. Fuck the boyfriend.
posted by b_thinky at 6:13 PM on May 27, 2008
1) Fuck the boyfriend. They've been going out forever, and they're not married. She's fair game, living with him or not.
Man, did that cause a jawdrop. I couldn't disagree more, and I certainly don't think that you'd want others to feel this way about your significant other.
Bringing your other girlfriends to the shop to see this girl sounds ridiculous to me. If you can't get over this person, don't throw yourself into other relationships in hopes that they'll make you forget. That's unfair to the person you're dating. You need to find a resolution here, and at this point after the number of years you've spent idolizing her, I would suggest you either ask her straight out where you stand, and cut back contact (to little to none) if you find out you have no chance in the immediate future. Who knows what the hell she's doing - but I think I wouldn't have any problems asking her to find out just that.
posted by Bakuun at 6:21 PM on May 27, 2008
Man, did that cause a jawdrop. I couldn't disagree more, and I certainly don't think that you'd want others to feel this way about your significant other.
Bringing your other girlfriends to the shop to see this girl sounds ridiculous to me. If you can't get over this person, don't throw yourself into other relationships in hopes that they'll make you forget. That's unfair to the person you're dating. You need to find a resolution here, and at this point after the number of years you've spent idolizing her, I would suggest you either ask her straight out where you stand, and cut back contact (to little to none) if you find out you have no chance in the immediate future. Who knows what the hell she's doing - but I think I wouldn't have any problems asking her to find out just that.
posted by Bakuun at 6:21 PM on May 27, 2008
There is no right answer to this that anyone here can give without being amazingly lucky. What I can see in your story is this: If you are not going to swoop in and try to steal her away (which I do not suggest), then most of this is all out of your hands. With your absence, she recognized your value in her life. If she is becoming disillusioned with her boyfriend, maybe that could be more, but that is really her call. Since it is out of your control, all you can really do is be present and willing. The difficult part of this is tempering your expectations, and relaxing with the fact that this may never happen, or may happen another four years from now. Or it may happen in two weeks. People do funny things when they are lonely and comfortable around someone. You need to breath deep and decide whether you are going to take that shot; I certainly can't judge her intentions.
I will advise that coming between her and her boyfriend is a valid option if she is the one putting you there. Before you go there though, you better make sure she is serious, and that you are ready for a fight. If she doesn't have any leads, there may never be a breakup. Sorry I can't give any more clarity to the situation. Breath deep.
posted by worstkidever at 6:42 PM on May 27, 2008
I will advise that coming between her and her boyfriend is a valid option if she is the one putting you there. Before you go there though, you better make sure she is serious, and that you are ready for a fight. If she doesn't have any leads, there may never be a breakup. Sorry I can't give any more clarity to the situation. Breath deep.
posted by worstkidever at 6:42 PM on May 27, 2008
She's helped you pick out a shirt, you've brought your girlfriends to the store for her approval, she pours her heart out to you about her boyfriend problems... Sounds to me like that up until now she's viewed you as her best girlfriend, not a potential romantic interest. Now that she's living with the guy and is possibly bored with him, maybe she is hinting at an affair with you. If that's the case, though, do you really want to get involved with someone who so casually cheats on her partner? If the two of you do end up together at some point in the future, what's to keep her from chatting up some other guy when she gets bored with you?
posted by Oriole Adams at 8:26 PM on May 27, 2008
posted by Oriole Adams at 8:26 PM on May 27, 2008
She seems like the kind of girl that doesn't necessarily draw a distinction between her guy friends and her girl friends.
She is probably really lonely with her significant other traveling so much; maybe she's experiencing the little tendrils of depression creeping into her life. The evenings are probably the worst. She needs someone to boost her self-esteem and make her feel better. She knows that you like her, so you're a safe bet. Hence the dinner invite. She is looking for validation. Some assurance of her self-worth.
Sure, accept the invite. Don't get your expectations up too high. Just treat her like you would treat a good friend.
posted by Ostara at 9:26 PM on May 27, 2008
She is probably really lonely with her significant other traveling so much; maybe she's experiencing the little tendrils of depression creeping into her life. The evenings are probably the worst. She needs someone to boost her self-esteem and make her feel better. She knows that you like her, so you're a safe bet. Hence the dinner invite. She is looking for validation. Some assurance of her self-worth.
Sure, accept the invite. Don't get your expectations up too high. Just treat her like you would treat a good friend.
posted by Ostara at 9:26 PM on May 27, 2008
Stop thinking about "what it all means," and just try to decide if you want to be with her or not. If you do, then be with her. If she asks you out, go out with her. Then, if you still like her and you want to see her some more, ask her out. If she keeps seeing you, and you keep seeing her, and you want her to be your girlfriend, ask her to be your girlfriend. If she won't break up with her boyfriend, then stop seeing her and find a real girl. Four years is not so long that it's beyond hope... but spend much longer than that, and you run the risk of being pretty messed up when the thing you've spent so long on evaporates into thin air.
If you can't move her from your fantasy life to your reality, then leave her permanently in your fantasy life, and move on.
posted by eleyna at 9:50 PM on May 27, 2008
If you can't move her from your fantasy life to your reality, then leave her permanently in your fantasy life, and move on.
posted by eleyna at 9:50 PM on May 27, 2008
If you really want to go out with this girl, ask her out. If she says no, stop hanging out with her. If you really want to be friends with this girl, don't ask her out, and keep hanging out with her.
posted by chunking express at 6:49 AM on May 28, 2008
posted by chunking express at 6:49 AM on May 28, 2008
As other members have mentioned she seems to know that you like her and therefore you are an easy person to hang out with and receive attention from while her boyfriend is away or not around. You also know this so the question then becomes what do you want to do regardless of how she feels about you?......
In my opinion you should take a couple of days to think about the repercussions of you asking her out in a romantic manner and if you think those will be benefitial for you then you should tell her...
My two cents is to tell her how you feel regardless. If she stops the friendship then you can stop fantasizing about her and you can move on with your life, if she likes you then you can work something, if she doesnt and want to keep the friendship then you are back to where you started only with the knowledge that she is not available to you in that way and thus you are free to take her off your mind.
You seem to be an idealist and a romantic (very much like myself) and I think sometimes that doesn't let us function the way we should. You need to do whatever you need to do in order to get your head straight and in my opinion this is letting her know how you feel.
posted by The1andonly at 9:07 AM on May 28, 2008
In my opinion you should take a couple of days to think about the repercussions of you asking her out in a romantic manner and if you think those will be benefitial for you then you should tell her...
My two cents is to tell her how you feel regardless. If she stops the friendship then you can stop fantasizing about her and you can move on with your life, if she likes you then you can work something, if she doesnt and want to keep the friendship then you are back to where you started only with the knowledge that she is not available to you in that way and thus you are free to take her off your mind.
You seem to be an idealist and a romantic (very much like myself) and I think sometimes that doesn't let us function the way we should. You need to do whatever you need to do in order to get your head straight and in my opinion this is letting her know how you feel.
posted by The1andonly at 9:07 AM on May 28, 2008
It seems neither of you is mature and desire a fruitful relationship. You are operating in the gray zone, where she treat you like a lapdog girlfriend and you idolize her to the point of sabotaging other romantic opportunities in your life. If she has been less selfish, had some integrity and honor you like a real friend, she would have stop leading you on. And if you can stop fantasize about this girl for a moment and look reality in the face, you would recognize this is an energy-sapping, powerless situation which does not lead to any happy place. It's a mutual delusion you two share, and it's wasting a lot of YOUR time.
Realistically, you have only 2 choices: force the situation or run away. You must visualize what kind of relationship you want and actively pursuing it. Have a plan, and in your case, have a deadline too. Pursue relationships on your own terms! Don't spend your LIFE in suspension. While you daydream, dozens of other chances are passing you by.
posted by curiousZ at 11:28 AM on May 28, 2008
Realistically, you have only 2 choices: force the situation or run away. You must visualize what kind of relationship you want and actively pursuing it. Have a plan, and in your case, have a deadline too. Pursue relationships on your own terms! Don't spend your LIFE in suspension. While you daydream, dozens of other chances are passing you by.
posted by curiousZ at 11:28 AM on May 28, 2008
If you have feelings for her, have the talk with her. Don't EVER end up regretting doing nothing.
posted by rhinny at 9:37 PM on May 28, 2008
posted by rhinny at 9:37 PM on May 28, 2008
« Older Ain't there nothing I can take, I say, to relieve... | How likely am I to be disbarred here? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Good idea, that is what I would advise you to do. If she does call you to go to dinner, I'd go, and I would even ask her about her relationship, why not, nothing to lose.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:52 PM on May 27, 2008 [1 favorite]