What is my relationship lacking that I feel the urge to stray every now and then?
April 12, 2008 12:32 PM Subscribe
What is my relationship lacking that I feel the urge to stray every now and then? I've been in a relationship with a 20 year old girl for 3 years now. I'm 23. We started dating when she was 17.
This is the only long term relationship I've been in. I've dated 3 girls before her for brief periods of time.
I care about her a lot and enjoy my time with her. She keeps me happy and has done a lot for me. She has seen the best and worst of me and has stood by me. I've done quite a lot for her as well and I make sure I'm there for her whenever she needs me.
We do everything together... pretty much like a married couple. She is my confidant and I feel a sense of solidarity with her in my life.
Having said that...
For whatever reason, I find myself wanting to explore greener pastures. I realize I'm young but to be honest I'm happy with my current girl in every way. Yet I feel the urge to forget about all that and pursue a new crush.
This has happened 4 times so far. Each time the new girl and I got along very well and I made no effort to end things at first. Only when it looked like things were going to get physical did I stop. But To be honest I didn't want things to end.
Most recently I've been hanging around a lot with this new girl I just met. Again, we share a lot of common interests... know the same people etc. She is beautiful and I'm attracted to her.
I want to be with the new girl but would hate to lose my current one.
Why is this happening? If I'm happy with her, why am I letting other girls on? Sometimes I feel I'm only with my girl because I know her so well and I'm scared of starting all over.
I'm confused...
This is the only long term relationship I've been in. I've dated 3 girls before her for brief periods of time.
I care about her a lot and enjoy my time with her. She keeps me happy and has done a lot for me. She has seen the best and worst of me and has stood by me. I've done quite a lot for her as well and I make sure I'm there for her whenever she needs me.
We do everything together... pretty much like a married couple. She is my confidant and I feel a sense of solidarity with her in my life.
Having said that...
For whatever reason, I find myself wanting to explore greener pastures. I realize I'm young but to be honest I'm happy with my current girl in every way. Yet I feel the urge to forget about all that and pursue a new crush.
This has happened 4 times so far. Each time the new girl and I got along very well and I made no effort to end things at first. Only when it looked like things were going to get physical did I stop. But To be honest I didn't want things to end.
Most recently I've been hanging around a lot with this new girl I just met. Again, we share a lot of common interests... know the same people etc. She is beautiful and I'm attracted to her.
I want to be with the new girl but would hate to lose my current one.
Why is this happening? If I'm happy with her, why am I letting other girls on? Sometimes I feel I'm only with my girl because I know her so well and I'm scared of starting all over.
I'm confused...
Best answer: Or,
Q: What is my relationship lacking that I feel the urge to stray every now and then?
A: Nothing.
Human beings [in my experience] are fickle things. They get bored with good things, distracted by new and shiny things.
Choosing to *commit* to someone is choosing to acknowledge this fact and to realize that while new desires are natural, and very human [and keep life interesting, of course], that whether or not you do anything about them is entirely up to you.
ie: feeling attraction to new people is not an obligation to leave/cheat on current people.
You seem to already know this, and you *seem* to be asking: will this happen all my life?
And yes, it will. Sometimes the confidence to know that what you currently have is better than anything else out there that can tempt you comes from within, but more often it comes from having had a number of different relationships so that you're certain that what you think is special is, indeed, special.
Human beings are really really curious things, and if you're not *sure* that what you think is special is actually special, that curiosity is going to cause troubles for you one day.
so [i guess], either:
-leave the old girl, try things with the new girl, rinse, repeat until your oats have been sown,
or
-do some [for lack of a better term] soul searching and see if what you truly need is what this girl has to offer you. [and if what she needs is what you can offer *her*, of course].
The first option is time-tested, sometimes results in regrets, but always results in better stories, and is more likely to settle your mind.
The second option is... risky. It only works for a certain type of individual, and requires mental and personal discipline. The results are as worth it as you make up your mind for them to be.
As a random internet stranger, I recommend option 1. It's sad, but it is also potentially necessary and could lead to greater future happiness and peace of mind. Go see what life with the new girl in your life is like. Just be sure to let your current girl go, first.
posted by Acari at 12:56 PM on April 12, 2008 [10 favorites]
Q: What is my relationship lacking that I feel the urge to stray every now and then?
A: Nothing.
Human beings [in my experience] are fickle things. They get bored with good things, distracted by new and shiny things.
Choosing to *commit* to someone is choosing to acknowledge this fact and to realize that while new desires are natural, and very human [and keep life interesting, of course], that whether or not you do anything about them is entirely up to you.
ie: feeling attraction to new people is not an obligation to leave/cheat on current people.
You seem to already know this, and you *seem* to be asking: will this happen all my life?
And yes, it will. Sometimes the confidence to know that what you currently have is better than anything else out there that can tempt you comes from within, but more often it comes from having had a number of different relationships so that you're certain that what you think is special is, indeed, special.
Human beings are really really curious things, and if you're not *sure* that what you think is special is actually special, that curiosity is going to cause troubles for you one day.
so [i guess], either:
-leave the old girl, try things with the new girl, rinse, repeat until your oats have been sown,
or
-do some [for lack of a better term] soul searching and see if what you truly need is what this girl has to offer you. [and if what she needs is what you can offer *her*, of course].
The first option is time-tested, sometimes results in regrets, but always results in better stories, and is more likely to settle your mind.
The second option is... risky. It only works for a certain type of individual, and requires mental and personal discipline. The results are as worth it as you make up your mind for them to be.
As a random internet stranger, I recommend option 1. It's sad, but it is also potentially necessary and could lead to greater future happiness and peace of mind. Go see what life with the new girl in your life is like. Just be sure to let your current girl go, first.
posted by Acari at 12:56 PM on April 12, 2008 [10 favorites]
What Acari said. There's not necessarily anything wrong with your girl or with your relationship. We have the capacity to be attracted to many people on many different levels. However, acting on this attraction usually spells the end of a monogamous relationship.
I think a break from your girl - and perhaps women in general - would solidify your feelings one way or another. You're not being emotionally honest with her, and you can't right now, because you don't know how you feel. Personally, I have seen this type of behavior in people who look to others to fill an emotional void in themselves. They jump from relationship to relationship and aren't ever quite satisfied, because no one else can ever fill that void. I think there's a quite good chance that you won't be that happy with New Girl either, if you can't pinpoint why you're confused about Current Girl.
posted by desjardins at 1:04 PM on April 12, 2008
I think a break from your girl - and perhaps women in general - would solidify your feelings one way or another. You're not being emotionally honest with her, and you can't right now, because you don't know how you feel. Personally, I have seen this type of behavior in people who look to others to fill an emotional void in themselves. They jump from relationship to relationship and aren't ever quite satisfied, because no one else can ever fill that void. I think there's a quite good chance that you won't be that happy with New Girl either, if you can't pinpoint why you're confused about Current Girl.
posted by desjardins at 1:04 PM on April 12, 2008
I think its a little unfair to doom this relationship from the outset just on the basis of age DarlingBri.
You're in a no-win situation, if you don't play the field while you're young, you'll most likely regret it BUT you'll probably also regret it if you split up with this girl you clearly care deeply for, just to chase some hormonal whims. Its normal and natural to have feelings for other people, you probably always will, for most people this gets better/easier to deal with as you get older.
Radical suggestion here but have you thought about talking to your girlfriend about your feelings? She might feel the same, maybe you both might consider taking a break/ being more open in your relationship to get it out of your system. I'd only suggest this if you really can't get past these crushes. IMO your best option is to stick it out with your current girlfriend - you don't know what you've got til its gone ;)
posted by missmagenta at 1:14 PM on April 12, 2008
You're in a no-win situation, if you don't play the field while you're young, you'll most likely regret it BUT you'll probably also regret it if you split up with this girl you clearly care deeply for, just to chase some hormonal whims. Its normal and natural to have feelings for other people, you probably always will, for most people this gets better/easier to deal with as you get older.
Radical suggestion here but have you thought about talking to your girlfriend about your feelings? She might feel the same, maybe you both might consider taking a break/ being more open in your relationship to get it out of your system. I'd only suggest this if you really can't get past these crushes. IMO your best option is to stick it out with your current girlfriend - you don't know what you've got til its gone ;)
posted by missmagenta at 1:14 PM on April 12, 2008
This is a pretty common concern. See related, for example.
Sometimes things may seem facially to be perfect, but in reality it's just not working and you can't point to one specific thing that proves it. That's okay. Normally I'm an advocate of pushing through a rough period, but I get the feeling that you don't really want to be in this relationship. I think it's the fact that you've actually pursued multiple other girls, not just fantasized about how cool life would be if you were a bachelor with the somewhat nebulous thought of other girls, and you've already marked a "leave her" as a best answer. I think the three-year mark is a pretty common one to start looking at long-term commitments (and maybe get a little panicked) and realize you've fallen into a rut (and maybe get a little bored). If you want to stay with the current girlfriend, or at least give it a go, you need to change some things up and pay attention to each other rather than just be next to each other: go out on more dates, get away for a weekend, even spend a few days apart to break the habit of thinking that time together isn't special because you're always together.
Either way, I wouldn't advise continuing the course you're on now. Letting yourself pursue other girls while still dating the one isn't going to help you get rid of or really understand your feelings to stray, and it will probably just end up destroying both relationships anyway. Pick a path and stay with it: if you want to be cautious try a few test months with the girlfriend and only the girlfriend, if you want to play the field you need to get rid of the safety net.
posted by lilac girl at 2:10 PM on April 12, 2008
Sometimes things may seem facially to be perfect, but in reality it's just not working and you can't point to one specific thing that proves it. That's okay. Normally I'm an advocate of pushing through a rough period, but I get the feeling that you don't really want to be in this relationship. I think it's the fact that you've actually pursued multiple other girls, not just fantasized about how cool life would be if you were a bachelor with the somewhat nebulous thought of other girls, and you've already marked a "leave her" as a best answer. I think the three-year mark is a pretty common one to start looking at long-term commitments (and maybe get a little panicked) and realize you've fallen into a rut (and maybe get a little bored). If you want to stay with the current girlfriend, or at least give it a go, you need to change some things up and pay attention to each other rather than just be next to each other: go out on more dates, get away for a weekend, even spend a few days apart to break the habit of thinking that time together isn't special because you're always together.
Either way, I wouldn't advise continuing the course you're on now. Letting yourself pursue other girls while still dating the one isn't going to help you get rid of or really understand your feelings to stray, and it will probably just end up destroying both relationships anyway. Pick a path and stay with it: if you want to be cautious try a few test months with the girlfriend and only the girlfriend, if you want to play the field you need to get rid of the safety net.
posted by lilac girl at 2:10 PM on April 12, 2008
We do everything together... pretty much like a married couple. She is my confidant and I feel a sense of solidarity with her in my life.
Most people dont have that. You should honestly assess your place in life and realize how lucky you are.
Why is this happening?
Because youre 23 and you have the hormones and mind-set of a 23 year old. Seriously, suck it up. Or break it off, but that's a real hard way to realize that the grass isnt always greener.
posted by damn dirty ape at 3:36 PM on April 12, 2008
Most people dont have that. You should honestly assess your place in life and realize how lucky you are.
Why is this happening?
Because youre 23 and you have the hormones and mind-set of a 23 year old. Seriously, suck it up. Or break it off, but that's a real hard way to realize that the grass isnt always greener.
posted by damn dirty ape at 3:36 PM on April 12, 2008
I really don't like the "you're young" angle. I am personally aware of a number of 30- and 40-somethings who could have written this post, and their situations have nothing to do with age or experience.
I much prefer Acari's answer: Human beings [in my experience] are fickle things. They get bored with good things, distracted by new and shiny things.
In my experience (my own and my knowledge of the accounts of others), couples who commit when young are really in no more danger of splitting up than couples who commit when older. It seems there are two major possible situations:
1) Some couples who commit to each other when young haven't had time to experience other people and don't know if they are "settling" or making a mistake due to inexperience. Or even if they aren't making an actual mistake by choosing their partner, they still may stray later just because they feel they missed out on the oat-sowing experience.
2) Some couples who commit to each other when young are so bonded to one another, having shared the same experiences (going all the way through school together, growing up in the same neighborhood, etc.) that they never even think to stray because the relationship feels so right, so like "home." Because they *don't* experience the wild, oat-sowing season, they don't know what they're missing (I don't mean to imply that they're missing anything important), and don't worry about it.
I just think it can go either way, as I exampled above.
I know people who *do* feel they settled when too young, for instance, because they felt pressured by their SO that commitment was the right thing to do. And I know others who feel completely happy with their choice to commit early (to their high school sweethearts in a couple instances, and yes, they have been each others' only sexual partners), in part because it excluded them from being able to wander. Like, you never know what you might be missing if you don't try it out.
So I think it depends more on your personality than your age. There are people who swear up and down that they are so satisfied with their relationship/marriage that they would never put it in jeopardy, and there are people who may be equally satisfied but screw around because damn, it's fun.
From my mid-30s, cynical, jaded perspective, I read your post and thought, "Wait, he isn't screwing around around with these girls? What exactly is the problem he's asking about?" I think you're doing pretty well if you've kept your 23 year old hormones in check through this. There's hope for you yet. :)
posted by iguanapolitico at 4:05 PM on April 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
I much prefer Acari's answer: Human beings [in my experience] are fickle things. They get bored with good things, distracted by new and shiny things.
In my experience (my own and my knowledge of the accounts of others), couples who commit when young are really in no more danger of splitting up than couples who commit when older. It seems there are two major possible situations:
1) Some couples who commit to each other when young haven't had time to experience other people and don't know if they are "settling" or making a mistake due to inexperience. Or even if they aren't making an actual mistake by choosing their partner, they still may stray later just because they feel they missed out on the oat-sowing experience.
2) Some couples who commit to each other when young are so bonded to one another, having shared the same experiences (going all the way through school together, growing up in the same neighborhood, etc.) that they never even think to stray because the relationship feels so right, so like "home." Because they *don't* experience the wild, oat-sowing season, they don't know what they're missing (I don't mean to imply that they're missing anything important), and don't worry about it.
I just think it can go either way, as I exampled above.
I know people who *do* feel they settled when too young, for instance, because they felt pressured by their SO that commitment was the right thing to do. And I know others who feel completely happy with their choice to commit early (to their high school sweethearts in a couple instances, and yes, they have been each others' only sexual partners), in part because it excluded them from being able to wander. Like, you never know what you might be missing if you don't try it out.
So I think it depends more on your personality than your age. There are people who swear up and down that they are so satisfied with their relationship/marriage that they would never put it in jeopardy, and there are people who may be equally satisfied but screw around because damn, it's fun.
From my mid-30s, cynical, jaded perspective, I read your post and thought, "Wait, he isn't screwing around around with these girls? What exactly is the problem he's asking about?" I think you're doing pretty well if you've kept your 23 year old hormones in check through this. There's hope for you yet. :)
posted by iguanapolitico at 4:05 PM on April 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
I totally agree with iguanapolitico...great points, all of them.
Coming from a young woman in her early 20's who is engaged to their highschool sweetheart- it is possible to find someone and stay with them while you are young. It is hard work, but it sure is hell worth it if you love them more than anything.
I think there is an assumption that relationships are smooth sailing just because you are in love and have found the right person. That is bullshit to be quite honest. It is hard work for the long haul...some months will be bad, some days, some moments, but they pass. And you sit back and one day it hits you how amazing you truly have it because the wonderful moments outweigh any bad days. If you have that, then I say its worth working on.
We are only human...minds will wander, arguments will happen...but if she is truly worth it to you and can't imagine your life without her, than I think you have something special there. Its up to you essentially.
posted by 20something at 4:22 PM on April 12, 2008 [3 favorites]
Coming from a young woman in her early 20's who is engaged to their highschool sweetheart- it is possible to find someone and stay with them while you are young. It is hard work, but it sure is hell worth it if you love them more than anything.
I think there is an assumption that relationships are smooth sailing just because you are in love and have found the right person. That is bullshit to be quite honest. It is hard work for the long haul...some months will be bad, some days, some moments, but they pass. And you sit back and one day it hits you how amazing you truly have it because the wonderful moments outweigh any bad days. If you have that, then I say its worth working on.
We are only human...minds will wander, arguments will happen...but if she is truly worth it to you and can't imagine your life without her, than I think you have something special there. Its up to you essentially.
posted by 20something at 4:22 PM on April 12, 2008 [3 favorites]
To me, this is the sort of question that is impossible to answer definitively because everyone comes at a question like this with the bias of their own anecdotal experiences and personality type. Which might make for some interesting stories, but doesn't necessarily have any bearing on your situation because you very likely do not share the same personality type or have the same desires and motivations as someone else who is only considering your scenario hypothetically.
Sure, there are some people who can meet someone, even at a young age, fall madly in love with that person, and never feel any need or desire to be with anyone else in an intimate way for the rest of their lives, even if that person was the first person they ever dated. Then there are other people who, even if the absolute ideal partner made him or herself available early on in life, feel the need to have a number of boy or girlfriends and/or sexual partners before settling down for a lifelong commitment.
If you fall into the second category, no number of "inspirational" stories from people who married the guy or girl they started dating in 7th grade is going to help you. You simply need to date and/or sleep with whatever minimum number of people is going to make you feel satisfied that you've had enough experience to be willing to settle down if the right person comes along. And frankly, only you know which category you belong in.
posted by The Gooch at 5:12 PM on April 12, 2008
Sure, there are some people who can meet someone, even at a young age, fall madly in love with that person, and never feel any need or desire to be with anyone else in an intimate way for the rest of their lives, even if that person was the first person they ever dated. Then there are other people who, even if the absolute ideal partner made him or herself available early on in life, feel the need to have a number of boy or girlfriends and/or sexual partners before settling down for a lifelong commitment.
If you fall into the second category, no number of "inspirational" stories from people who married the guy or girl they started dating in 7th grade is going to help you. You simply need to date and/or sleep with whatever minimum number of people is going to make you feel satisfied that you've had enough experience to be willing to settle down if the right person comes along. And frankly, only you know which category you belong in.
posted by The Gooch at 5:12 PM on April 12, 2008
I'm in my first relationship, too. It's important to me, too. I want to explore greener pastures, too! And my girlfriend feels the same way. So we discussed the thing and agreed to be free to do it. Go look the fascinating concept of polyamory! Why must it be necessary to dump her to experience something else?
posted by Baldons at 8:07 AM on April 13, 2008
posted by Baldons at 8:07 AM on April 13, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
A: I'm 23. This is the only long term relationship I've been in.
Statistically, this is just NOT going to be the only relationship you're going to be in in your life. It just isn't. You will break up with your current girlfriend at some point, for some reason. The fact that you're interested in someone else enough to take some action there indicates that now would be the time to break things off and stretch your boy/girl wings a bit more.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:41 PM on April 12, 2008