help me tell cute classmate I am seeing someone.
February 19, 2008 10:29 PM Subscribe
I am currently seeing someone, but foolishly I have begun to talk to and flirt with a cute girl in one of my classes, and now I think that she likes me and I have to tell her that I am seeing someone, what do I do?
I have recently started to get lots of attention from girls and its overwhelming and I am acting irresponsibly. I have been seeing someone for about a month and am happy. I have been sitting next to a girl in one of my classes (as in I look for her and sit next to her) for about a month and I have a little crush on her and she recently invited me over to her house and I realize I am being a douche and need to stop being so friendly with her because I haven't told her I am seeing someone. Also, foolishly I found her 'facebook' and added her as a friend, which if she were interested in me would seem like a move to say that I am interested back. I have not flirted with her as in saying "your cute" or "your funny, your cool", nothing too obvious, but I am very friendly toward her and I think she likes me. I suppose want to be her friend, is that a guaranteed bad idea? I think i have pursued this classmate because, strangely and amazingly, girls have recently began to be attracted to me and I think I am being a novice and selfish about it. This probably comes from my insecurity about girls/ a desire to flirt with cute girls and have cute girls flirt back/ immaturity whatever, I feel bad about it though.
here is something i was about to send her but did not send, but then decided to ask mefi because I don't know what the hell i'm doing, here it is:
so [her name], I think that you are cute and i have a little crush on you, but I am seeing this other girl right now whom I like and I feel bad because i think that i sense that you have an interest in me (sorry for being awkward if I am wrong and your not interested) but anyway I am seeing this other girl right now, and I'm being irresponsible about sort of flirting with you, but then you are really cute I was acting stupid, anyway lets be friends. ugh this message is awkward, I hope it makes sense though.
I have recently started to get lots of attention from girls and its overwhelming and I am acting irresponsibly. I have been seeing someone for about a month and am happy. I have been sitting next to a girl in one of my classes (as in I look for her and sit next to her) for about a month and I have a little crush on her and she recently invited me over to her house and I realize I am being a douche and need to stop being so friendly with her because I haven't told her I am seeing someone. Also, foolishly I found her 'facebook' and added her as a friend, which if she were interested in me would seem like a move to say that I am interested back. I have not flirted with her as in saying "your cute" or "your funny, your cool", nothing too obvious, but I am very friendly toward her and I think she likes me. I suppose want to be her friend, is that a guaranteed bad idea? I think i have pursued this classmate because, strangely and amazingly, girls have recently began to be attracted to me and I think I am being a novice and selfish about it. This probably comes from my insecurity about girls/ a desire to flirt with cute girls and have cute girls flirt back/ immaturity whatever, I feel bad about it though.
here is something i was about to send her but did not send, but then decided to ask mefi because I don't know what the hell i'm doing, here it is:
so [her name], I think that you are cute and i have a little crush on you, but I am seeing this other girl right now whom I like and I feel bad because i think that i sense that you have an interest in me (sorry for being awkward if I am wrong and your not interested) but anyway I am seeing this other girl right now, and I'm being irresponsible about sort of flirting with you, but then you are really cute I was acting stupid, anyway lets be friends. ugh this message is awkward, I hope it makes sense though.
Pretend you aren't 12 and stop leading people on unless you plan to make a move. Tell this girl that you're sorry if you lead her on, but you are seeing someone. You don't need a ton of language and bush-beating to fix this. Not being clear and direct might sink you further in the tar.
Speaking of language, please pay more attention in English class:
you are == you're
posted by secret about box at 10:41 PM on February 19, 2008 [3 favorites]
Speaking of language, please pay more attention in English class:
you are == you're
posted by secret about box at 10:41 PM on February 19, 2008 [3 favorites]
No, no, do not send the note. DO NOT SEND. Just stop flirting, but continue being friendly. Not sure how that's done, but the Great Hivemind will let you know.
posted by Xere at 10:42 PM on February 19, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by Xere at 10:42 PM on February 19, 2008 [1 favorite]
It's really hard to say, because your post is almost entirely about yourself. There's almost nothing here about your current relationship. How much do you care about the girl you're seeing? You need to answer that for yourself -- we can't tell you the answer.
I would hold off on sending the email until you've stopped to try to think things through more clearly for yourself. Why do you really want to send this message? Try to focus on the big stuff here -- what really matters. You're focusing on Facebook friend adds and the increased number of girls who have started to notice you. Those things may be momentarily interesting to you, but they don't really matter. So, is your girlfriend someone who really matters to you? Again, there's no way for me to know that from your description.
Also please stop writing in run-on sentences it's distracting you need punctuation to break up your thoughts see what i mean?
posted by jejune at 10:48 PM on February 19, 2008 [4 favorites]
I would hold off on sending the email until you've stopped to try to think things through more clearly for yourself. Why do you really want to send this message? Try to focus on the big stuff here -- what really matters. You're focusing on Facebook friend adds and the increased number of girls who have started to notice you. Those things may be momentarily interesting to you, but they don't really matter. So, is your girlfriend someone who really matters to you? Again, there's no way for me to know that from your description.
Also please stop writing in run-on sentences it's distracting you need punctuation to break up your thoughts see what i mean?
posted by jejune at 10:48 PM on February 19, 2008 [4 favorites]
I think that it would be easiest for you if you just casually dropped it in a conversation with her the next time you talk. There is definitely no need to get too elaborate or contrived about it.
Example conversation...
You: "So what did you get up to this weekend?"
Her: "blah blah blah.. how about you?"
You: "I hung out with my gf."
posted by snarkle at 10:48 PM on February 19, 2008 [2 favorites]
Example conversation...
You: "So what did you get up to this weekend?"
Her: "blah blah blah.. how about you?"
You: "I hung out with my gf."
posted by snarkle at 10:48 PM on February 19, 2008 [2 favorites]
It's good that you realized what you were doing was irresponsible. That said, your note would be even more confusing, especially if she's also in the process of figuring things out. Just do what Xere says - you haven't made any commitment to her. Things will probably naturally fade away, and IF she asks what happened or expresses an interest in you, then let her down gently. Don't tell her you have a crush on her.
posted by bettafish at 10:49 PM on February 19, 2008
posted by bettafish at 10:49 PM on February 19, 2008
Are you really committed to X?
Because honestly, if you're not, there's no crime in dating more than one person in a non-serious way as long as everyone knows you aren't exclusive. Key is *everyone knows*.
And it sounds to me like you're pretty excited about meeting new girls, so why not enjoy that without being committed to any single one just yet? You're (presumably) young, you don't need to jump into superseriousness just yet.
If you *are* committed, well, the metric for whether or not your actions are ok is whether you'd be ok telling the gal you are seeing about it. I'm guessing no, on this one.
posted by nat at 10:52 PM on February 19, 2008
Because honestly, if you're not, there's no crime in dating more than one person in a non-serious way as long as everyone knows you aren't exclusive. Key is *everyone knows*.
And it sounds to me like you're pretty excited about meeting new girls, so why not enjoy that without being committed to any single one just yet? You're (presumably) young, you don't need to jump into superseriousness just yet.
If you *are* committed, well, the metric for whether or not your actions are ok is whether you'd be ok telling the gal you are seeing about it. I'm guessing no, on this one.
posted by nat at 10:52 PM on February 19, 2008
You're worried that you're flirting with her, but your list of actual behaviour basically sums up to being friendly towards her and being invited round to her house once. That still sounds like just friends to me.
Don't stress out about it. People get crushes on people who are unavailable all the time. It sucks, but it's just part of being human. And, unless you are very blatantly leading her up the garden path, then that's her problem to deal with.
posted by chrismear at 10:59 PM on February 19, 2008
Don't stress out about it. People get crushes on people who are unavailable all the time. It sucks, but it's just part of being human. And, unless you are very blatantly leading her up the garden path, then that's her problem to deal with.
posted by chrismear at 10:59 PM on February 19, 2008
I think you're sort of a jerk for leading her on, but it was obviously a mistake, so don't beat yourself up too much over it. I don't think the passive "Hung out with my gf" thing is really right here, because that sort of makes it seem like a slap in the face to me. That would work if the flirting was one-way, but it hasn't been.
I also don't really like the idea of changing your relationship status, because it seems a bit too indirect to me, plus that thing isn't always serious. Instead, I think you should try to stop flirting with her, and if she asks you out again, apologize for sending mixed signals and say you're seeing someone else.
Winners use capitalization and punctuation in forums.
posted by !Jim at 11:05 PM on February 19, 2008 [1 favorite]
I also don't really like the idea of changing your relationship status, because it seems a bit too indirect to me, plus that thing isn't always serious. Instead, I think you should try to stop flirting with her, and if she asks you out again, apologize for sending mixed signals and say you're seeing someone else.
Winners use capitalization and punctuation in forums.
posted by !Jim at 11:05 PM on February 19, 2008 [1 favorite]
Example conversation...
You: "So what did you get up to this weekend?"
Her: "blah blah blah.. how about you?"
You: "I hung out with my gf."
Exactly. Stop being a kid and just drop it in there. Your commitment is to your girl, not your cute classmate whom you selfishly misled.
posted by crunch buttsteak at 11:19 PM on February 19, 2008
You: "So what did you get up to this weekend?"
Her: "blah blah blah.. how about you?"
You: "I hung out with my gf."
Exactly. Stop being a kid and just drop it in there. Your commitment is to your girl, not your cute classmate whom you selfishly misled.
posted by crunch buttsteak at 11:19 PM on February 19, 2008
Yep, snarkle has it. Then, the ball is in her court and she's informed.
posted by cmgonzalez at 11:27 PM on February 19, 2008
posted by cmgonzalez at 11:27 PM on February 19, 2008
Best answer: Your note is just hedging your doggone bets. "I have a crush on you and think you're cute but I'm dating this other girl" does not say "I want to be friends and nothing more." It says "I'm going to keep doing the same stuff I've been doing for a month now. I'm telling you I'm dating someone else to cover my ass and I hope we keep flirting because, who knows, I might want to hook up with you sometime."
Figure out how serious you are with your current lady friend and if you wouldn't say the last quote, don't say the first.
posted by PhatLobley at 11:46 PM on February 19, 2008
Figure out how serious you are with your current lady friend and if you wouldn't say the last quote, don't say the first.
posted by PhatLobley at 11:46 PM on February 19, 2008
As has been pointed out to me, I fucked up rewriting a sentence and forgot to fix the tense of a verb, and then did a grammar callout. As a result, I'm gonna go stick my nose in the corner for the rest of the evening.
posted by secret about box at 12:09 AM on February 20, 2008
posted by secret about box at 12:09 AM on February 20, 2008
Best answer: Seconding chrismear's comment. It's possible that neither your classmate nor your current girlfriend would experience the current situation as flirting. Or maybe they would. We can't really tell that over the Internet. But, it is telling that you're toying with your own boundaries of fidelity in your own mind, so maybe you're not as happy in your current monogamous relationship as you say you are.
You seem really inexperienced in general. For now, just approach your relationships with honesty and conviction and give yourself some permission to have fun and be friendly. You probably know in your gut what is cheating for you and as you get to know your SO, you'll know where their boundaries are, too, so let those be the boundaries for where friendly fun ends and conviction begins. You should choose the more strict of the two sets of boundaries where reasonable. The part of ethics that nobody talks about is the fact that ethical people don't ever put themselves in a situation where they might be overly tempted to act unethically. Don't put yourself in compromising situations. Maybe for you being alone at your crush's house is compromising, so don't do it. Or maybe next time you should befriend the not-so-cute classmate instead.
If you don't know where those boundaries are, I think most people draw the line at more-than-friendly touching of any kind, including some seemingly innocent flirtatious touching. Also, emotional infidelity, so don't discuss or imply sexy what-ifs or betray confidences that should be privy only to your SO, including any unease with the state of your relationship or any other ways of fishing for backup girlfriends.
As far as leading others on, some of that is their responsibility to not jump to conclusions and some of that is your responsibility to not consciously lead others on. If you haven't overtly lied or lied by omission to make yourself seem single, or overtly, unambiguously flirted, I don't think you've crossed any lines. Just let things play out on their own. No need for awkward conversations yet.
By the way, if you do ever need to have an awkward conversation, they play out a hell of a lot better live and in person and without the self-deprecating, "this is awkward..." side commentary. I'm pretty sure no one in the history of time has ever had a productive difficult conversation over email. Your instinct to hold off on the email and check for second opinions was a great one. I wish I had that kind of instinct back in the day...
posted by Skwirl at 12:29 AM on February 20, 2008
You seem really inexperienced in general. For now, just approach your relationships with honesty and conviction and give yourself some permission to have fun and be friendly. You probably know in your gut what is cheating for you and as you get to know your SO, you'll know where their boundaries are, too, so let those be the boundaries for where friendly fun ends and conviction begins. You should choose the more strict of the two sets of boundaries where reasonable. The part of ethics that nobody talks about is the fact that ethical people don't ever put themselves in a situation where they might be overly tempted to act unethically. Don't put yourself in compromising situations. Maybe for you being alone at your crush's house is compromising, so don't do it. Or maybe next time you should befriend the not-so-cute classmate instead.
If you don't know where those boundaries are, I think most people draw the line at more-than-friendly touching of any kind, including some seemingly innocent flirtatious touching. Also, emotional infidelity, so don't discuss or imply sexy what-ifs or betray confidences that should be privy only to your SO, including any unease with the state of your relationship or any other ways of fishing for backup girlfriends.
As far as leading others on, some of that is their responsibility to not jump to conclusions and some of that is your responsibility to not consciously lead others on. If you haven't overtly lied or lied by omission to make yourself seem single, or overtly, unambiguously flirted, I don't think you've crossed any lines. Just let things play out on their own. No need for awkward conversations yet.
By the way, if you do ever need to have an awkward conversation, they play out a hell of a lot better live and in person and without the self-deprecating, "this is awkward..." side commentary. I'm pretty sure no one in the history of time has ever had a productive difficult conversation over email. Your instinct to hold off on the email and check for second opinions was a great one. I wish I had that kind of instinct back in the day...
posted by Skwirl at 12:29 AM on February 20, 2008
1 month can't be too serious. Spend time with both of them. Pick out the one you like better. Why limit your choices when you are young and new to the game? No need to get tied down early on.
posted by clearly at 12:33 AM on February 20, 2008
posted by clearly at 12:33 AM on February 20, 2008
Sigh. Alright look, you're a grown ass man. Don't beat around the bush. You're wording your note just so to keep her on the line. Playing the field is fine, just be open about it with yourself and the girls.
posted by Roman Graves at 2:39 AM on February 20, 2008
posted by Roman Graves at 2:39 AM on February 20, 2008
From what I've been able to decipher from your question, I would guess that you're not quite ready for a committed relationship, and a month in, doesn't sound like your in one.
While you're young, the world should be your bearded clam.
Don't be sneaky about seeing other people unless you can truly get away with it. If you can,
and can reconcile yourself to that, then go for it sensibly, otherwise don't.
Though I'm sure nothing said in this thread will make a pinch of difference (Hive Mind vs a young man's libido- I've got $50 on the libido). So just be nice to the poor girls.
And don't write notes that use the expression "ugh"- it sounds like you are moving a photocopier.
posted by mattoxic at 3:05 AM on February 20, 2008
While you're young, the world should be your bearded clam.
Don't be sneaky about seeing other people unless you can truly get away with it. If you can,
and can reconcile yourself to that, then go for it sensibly, otherwise don't.
Though I'm sure nothing said in this thread will make a pinch of difference (Hive Mind vs a young man's libido- I've got $50 on the libido). So just be nice to the poor girls.
And don't write notes that use the expression "ugh"- it sounds like you are moving a photocopier.
posted by mattoxic at 3:05 AM on February 20, 2008
bearded clam--UGH.
Don't send the note. It doesn't sound like your behavior so far has been anything but above board yet, but Don't. Send. The. Note. It's way more awkward than just managing to keep your wits about you and continuing to be friendly (without leading her on) to this other girl. You don't know that she's interested, and Facebook friending her doesn't mean much. Seconding the preventative "in a relationship with X" move, though.
It must feel really nice and exciting to have girls starting to ramp up their interest in you in general, so enjoy that for what it is. But you don't have to act on it. Be friends, make friends, show your interest in them AS FRIENDS, and don't put yourself in a place where it could become more awkward. It sounds like you might be having a hard time not acting on the crushiness, though, so you might need to just get out of the situation instead, and only see these other girls in groups. Especially groups with your gf in them!
You do sound young. As long as you're communicating fully with all parties, you could easily consider dating more than one person at a time. I personally can't really do that I've I'm kissing any of them. I just can't.
I'd just say if at all possible become casual friends with this girl, but if you find yourself continuing to crush crush crush, think about whether you do want exclusivity right now. Do the right thing, though, by not acting on the crushes.
posted by Stewriffic at 3:43 AM on February 20, 2008
Don't send the note. It doesn't sound like your behavior so far has been anything but above board yet, but Don't. Send. The. Note. It's way more awkward than just managing to keep your wits about you and continuing to be friendly (without leading her on) to this other girl. You don't know that she's interested, and Facebook friending her doesn't mean much. Seconding the preventative "in a relationship with X" move, though.
It must feel really nice and exciting to have girls starting to ramp up their interest in you in general, so enjoy that for what it is. But you don't have to act on it. Be friends, make friends, show your interest in them AS FRIENDS, and don't put yourself in a place where it could become more awkward. It sounds like you might be having a hard time not acting on the crushiness, though, so you might need to just get out of the situation instead, and only see these other girls in groups. Especially groups with your gf in them!
You do sound young. As long as you're communicating fully with all parties, you could easily consider dating more than one person at a time. I personally can't really do that I've I'm kissing any of them. I just can't.
I'd just say if at all possible become casual friends with this girl, but if you find yourself continuing to crush crush crush, think about whether you do want exclusivity right now. Do the right thing, though, by not acting on the crushes.
posted by Stewriffic at 3:43 AM on February 20, 2008
ugh this message is awkward
you nailed it yourself. No note. If she comes onto you, tell her you have a girlfriend. Maybe she will be fine about that in which case tell your month old girlfriend you have met this other girl and you'd like to explore possible relationships with her also. If she is fine with that you are one lucky man. If she isn't decide who you would like to have fun with the most.
The important thing is to talk. Writing notes is daft. Save your writing skills for the love poems.
posted by twistedonion at 3:49 AM on February 20, 2008
you nailed it yourself. No note. If she comes onto you, tell her you have a girlfriend. Maybe she will be fine about that in which case tell your month old girlfriend you have met this other girl and you'd like to explore possible relationships with her also. If she is fine with that you are one lucky man. If she isn't decide who you would like to have fun with the most.
The important thing is to talk. Writing notes is daft. Save your writing skills for the love poems.
posted by twistedonion at 3:49 AM on February 20, 2008
The girl you are "seeing", have you:
1. Made agreements/promises to see each other exclusively?
2. Had sex with her?
3. Called her your "girlfriend"?
If you haven't done any of the above or anything like it, then I think it's ethically OK to date/spend time with the classmate too. You can date more than one person at a time as long as you aren't deceptive or emotionally manipulative about it. However, do it for the purpose of deciding which one you like best, not to string both along indefinitely. Also, try to figure out which one you like best BEFORE you fall into bed with one of them -- "I had sex with this one, so I guess she's my girlfriend now by default" is a poor way to choose.
If you do have some understanding with the girl that you're seeing that you two are in an exclusive relationship, then I second the suggestions to either mention "my girlfriend" in conversation or update your relationship status on Facebook. DO NOT SEND THAT NOTE. You have no idea if your classmate even interprets your actions as flirting much less is interested enough in you to feel led on. She might just like you as a friend, and you will look stupid by suggesting that she is attracted to you. If she is attracted to you, after you mention the girlfriend she might want to pretend that she wasn't, to save face. So, unless she overtly hits on you or confesses feelings or something, don't say or write anything to her that will make either of you look stupid like that. Just find an indirect way to make her aware of the girlfriend, and continue on as friends.
A personal anecdote about how far off people of the opposite gender can be in reading each other's intentions: I am very happily married and not at all interested in other men. I have a male classmate that I used to sit with, talk with, etc. a lot, and thought we were becoming friends. He was in my study/project groups for my classes last semester and everyone in our project group thought that he was gay (we briefly gossiped about it behind his back once and concluded that we were about 90% sure of it).
At the beginning of this semester I asked him on Tuesday about getting together for a beer after class on Thursday to catch up (we had not talked since before the break). I'd intended this as a group outing and had invited a few other people (including my husband) separately. Initially my classmate said yes, then on Thursday he canceled and explained it was because that his girlfriend was jealous and had forbidden him to go out for a beer with "that girl" (in the context of his explanation, it was clear that her concern was me, specifically, not going out or female classmates in general). I was so shocked by all the implications of that explanation that I blurted out, "But I thought you were gay!" (Bad Jacqueline, need to install filter between brain and mouth.) I'd thought I had a new gay buddy, but whatever he thought was enough to make his girlfriend feel threatened. It's been awkward since then and I don't think we will ever be friends beyond casual acquaintances. So, please let my experience serve as a cautionary tale of how incorrectly it is possible to interpret these situations!
posted by Jacqueline at 4:51 AM on February 20, 2008
1. Made agreements/promises to see each other exclusively?
2. Had sex with her?
3. Called her your "girlfriend"?
If you haven't done any of the above or anything like it, then I think it's ethically OK to date/spend time with the classmate too. You can date more than one person at a time as long as you aren't deceptive or emotionally manipulative about it. However, do it for the purpose of deciding which one you like best, not to string both along indefinitely. Also, try to figure out which one you like best BEFORE you fall into bed with one of them -- "I had sex with this one, so I guess she's my girlfriend now by default" is a poor way to choose.
If you do have some understanding with the girl that you're seeing that you two are in an exclusive relationship, then I second the suggestions to either mention "my girlfriend" in conversation or update your relationship status on Facebook. DO NOT SEND THAT NOTE. You have no idea if your classmate even interprets your actions as flirting much less is interested enough in you to feel led on. She might just like you as a friend, and you will look stupid by suggesting that she is attracted to you. If she is attracted to you, after you mention the girlfriend she might want to pretend that she wasn't, to save face. So, unless she overtly hits on you or confesses feelings or something, don't say or write anything to her that will make either of you look stupid like that. Just find an indirect way to make her aware of the girlfriend, and continue on as friends.
A personal anecdote about how far off people of the opposite gender can be in reading each other's intentions: I am very happily married and not at all interested in other men. I have a male classmate that I used to sit with, talk with, etc. a lot, and thought we were becoming friends. He was in my study/project groups for my classes last semester and everyone in our project group thought that he was gay (we briefly gossiped about it behind his back once and concluded that we were about 90% sure of it).
At the beginning of this semester I asked him on Tuesday about getting together for a beer after class on Thursday to catch up (we had not talked since before the break). I'd intended this as a group outing and had invited a few other people (including my husband) separately. Initially my classmate said yes, then on Thursday he canceled and explained it was because that his girlfriend was jealous and had forbidden him to go out for a beer with "that girl" (in the context of his explanation, it was clear that her concern was me, specifically, not going out or female classmates in general). I was so shocked by all the implications of that explanation that I blurted out, "But I thought you were gay!" (Bad Jacqueline, need to install filter between brain and mouth.) I'd thought I had a new gay buddy, but whatever he thought was enough to make his girlfriend feel threatened. It's been awkward since then and I don't think we will ever be friends beyond casual acquaintances. So, please let my experience serve as a cautionary tale of how incorrectly it is possible to interpret these situations!
posted by Jacqueline at 4:51 AM on February 20, 2008
Christ almighty. They'll let anyone in college that comes with a checkbook these days, it appears.
"Hi [her name],posted by Civil_Disobedient at 5:13 AM on February 20, 2008 [1 favorite]
You're probably wondering why I'm sending you this as an email instead of telling you face-to-face, but the thing is, I'm a coward. A coward with two secrets that I've kept from you for too long, and I need to come clean.
The first is that I think you're wonderful. Wonderful to talk to, wonderful to listen to, wonderful to look at. You could can call it a crush if you like. The second is that I am currently involved in a relationship with someone else.
I would like to think that simultaneously holding such diametrically opposed thoughts in my head has caused my brain to short-circuit, and I have thus continued in our conversations together as though neither one were really an issue. The truth is that both are, but I've been feeding my own insecurities while trying to ignore the obvious fact that I've reached a point where I can go no further without nullifying one--or both--of the above.
I don't know what's in your mind. If this all seems a bit dramatic, or you feel my worries completely unfounded, well... great. Please burn this evidence of my stupidity as I will never get to be president if it comes to light. If, on the other hand, you feel I've mislead you with my intentions, I can only apologize. If this changes things for us, I hope not too much for the worse.
I'm sorry I couldn't say this to you,
[gavtaylor]
Look, if you're serious about someone, just work them into the conversation
"Yeah, my and (GF's name) were at that place last week and you're right, the food does suck."
"My GF told about the Obama comment and I was like, holy crap, he said THAT?!"
"God, I hate doing that, but GF doesn't mind, so I try to get her to do it."
None of this has to be true, you just need to mention that you have a GF in an offhand manner, so people know you're seeing someone. If you can't, don't or won't do that, then you're probably not serious about dating that person and should reevaluate what you're doing in that relationship.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:43 AM on February 20, 2008
"Yeah, my and (GF's name) were at that place last week and you're right, the food does suck."
"My GF told about the Obama comment and I was like, holy crap, he said THAT?!"
"God, I hate doing that, but GF doesn't mind, so I try to get her to do it."
None of this has to be true, you just need to mention that you have a GF in an offhand manner, so people know you're seeing someone. If you can't, don't or won't do that, then you're probably not serious about dating that person and should reevaluate what you're doing in that relationship.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:43 AM on February 20, 2008
Best answer: I have not flirted with her as in saying "your cute" or "your funny, your cool", nothing too obvious
But your message includes the following:
I think that you are cute and i have a little crush on you, . . . but you are really cute
Your plan consists of your irresponsible side "doing the right thing" by revealing to this girl that you like her.
Its okay to like her. If you haven't promised monogamy at this point, you can explore this if you like, but if asked you have to be honest.
Your sudden attractiveness is coinciding with you feeling attractive because you are dating someone. Amazing how the opposite sex finds that out and acts accordingly.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:31 AM on February 20, 2008
But your message includes the following:
I think that you are cute and i have a little crush on you, . . . but you are really cute
Your plan consists of your irresponsible side "doing the right thing" by revealing to this girl that you like her.
Its okay to like her. If you haven't promised monogamy at this point, you can explore this if you like, but if asked you have to be honest.
Your sudden attractiveness is coinciding with you feeling attractive because you are dating someone. Amazing how the opposite sex finds that out and acts accordingly.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:31 AM on February 20, 2008
Best answer:
i'm not sure this is quite the answer you're looking for (how to tell cute girl you're already in a comitted relationship) but you sound a bit conflicted about that, so i'm gonna offer this leftfield advice: maybe you could date both women? you sound quite young, and pleased to suddenly be recieving attention from the opposite sex. why not just have fun with it? life is short. it depends how serious things are with your current gf, but it's not really all that difficult to date more than one girl at a time.
at some point when you first start spending time with a girl, she will probably ask "so, do you have a girlfriend?" or some variation thereof. if you answer "well, i'm seeing this other girl, but it's not serious" or better (especially if it's true) "actually i've sorta got 3 girlfriends, but none of them are serious" you may be surprised how many woman just shrug and continue to spend time with you.
although you kinda have to do this from the start of the dating process, if you've been acting like a serious boyfriend with this girl you're currently seeing (hanging out or at least calling her every day, spending the night with her regularly, etc) she may not be open to you dating other girls at this point. but then, how serious is it with her? a month really isn't very long you know, she could dump you out of the blue next week for all you know. then wont you feel stupid for sending that awkward note and ruining any possible chances with girl number 2!
of course the more normal route is to just mention the gf in casual conversation as brandon and others suggested, without making a big deal out of it. then if things don't work out with your current flame, you still might have a chance with the cute girl from your class (if she hasn't already gotten serious with someone else in the interim)
"how was your weekend?"
"not so good, x and i broke up."
:her face lights up:) "oh, i'm so sorry to hear that!"
posted by messiahwannabe at 8:54 AM on February 20, 2008
i'm not sure this is quite the answer you're looking for (how to tell cute girl you're already in a comitted relationship) but you sound a bit conflicted about that, so i'm gonna offer this leftfield advice: maybe you could date both women? you sound quite young, and pleased to suddenly be recieving attention from the opposite sex. why not just have fun with it? life is short. it depends how serious things are with your current gf, but it's not really all that difficult to date more than one girl at a time.
at some point when you first start spending time with a girl, she will probably ask "so, do you have a girlfriend?" or some variation thereof. if you answer "well, i'm seeing this other girl, but it's not serious" or better (especially if it's true) "actually i've sorta got 3 girlfriends, but none of them are serious" you may be surprised how many woman just shrug and continue to spend time with you.
although you kinda have to do this from the start of the dating process, if you've been acting like a serious boyfriend with this girl you're currently seeing (hanging out or at least calling her every day, spending the night with her regularly, etc) she may not be open to you dating other girls at this point. but then, how serious is it with her? a month really isn't very long you know, she could dump you out of the blue next week for all you know. then wont you feel stupid for sending that awkward note and ruining any possible chances with girl number 2!
of course the more normal route is to just mention the gf in casual conversation as brandon and others suggested, without making a big deal out of it. then if things don't work out with your current flame, you still might have a chance with the cute girl from your class (if she hasn't already gotten serious with someone else in the interim)
"how was your weekend?"
"not so good, x and i broke up."
:her face lights up:) "oh, i'm so sorry to hear that!"
posted by messiahwannabe at 8:54 AM on February 20, 2008
Response by poster: Alllright!
Thanks to everybody, I have a much better understanding of what is going on and will act accordingly. You can count on me not to make things worse. Good 'effing thing I didn't send that stupid note. Also, cripes, I suppose I will apologize to all those snarky mefites who have belittled me and my hasty question's poor grammar. Next time I will be on my guard against you.
posted by gavtaylor at 10:49 AM on February 20, 2008
Thanks to everybody, I have a much better understanding of what is going on and will act accordingly. You can count on me not to make things worse. Good 'effing thing I didn't send that stupid note. Also, cripes, I suppose I will apologize to all those snarky mefites who have belittled me and my hasty question's poor grammar. Next time I will be on my guard against you.
posted by gavtaylor at 10:49 AM on February 20, 2008
DEFINITELY find a way to tell her, but do it subtly so that she doesn't lose face. Your email is nice but a bit blunt. A good way to do it is to just drop it into a conversation in an oblique way like "So you liked 'Juno'? I didn't but my girlfriend loved it!". Sandwich "girlfriend" or "this girl I'm dating" in with a bunch of other stuff so that she can digest it gently.
posted by kenzi23 at 4:01 PM on February 20, 2008
posted by kenzi23 at 4:01 PM on February 20, 2008
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This way isn't awkward and you can be sure the news will reach girl Y through the facebook news thingy without looking like the message is being sent directly.
Then if girl Y asks about it, you can say a little of what you suggested, and apologize for sending conflicting signals, but that you are committed to X.
posted by blue_wardrobe at 10:39 PM on February 19, 2008 [2 favorites]