Owning up to my false accusation

January 3, 2008 10:13 AM

ConfessionFilter: I wrongly filed a complaint against a municipal employee 10 years ago. I do not believe that anything was pursued beyond a few enquiries, however I want to apologise. Do I and how?

About 10 years ago I was infatuated with this girl who was clearly not all there. One of her bad qualities was that she dramatized her stories to give people the impression that she was a perpetual victim so that they would feel bad for her. Since I was head-over-heels "in love" with her, I believed every word she said and wanted to be her "knight in shining armour who would save her" from the evils of the world. I neglected my health, my studies, and my job; I distanced myself from my friends and lied to my parents. This was the effect this girl had on me.

One day we were at the city recreational center and went to the snack bar. I think the person working there was the owner/manager of the snack bar. Anyways, he was probably having a bad day and he was rude to my lady love. I thought nothing of it, except that I thought he was kinda mean.

Not my lady-love though. She took his attitude personally - really personally - and between her crying and raging, told me that he thought that he treated her badly because she was a minority.

Had I any common sense, I would have realized that this wasn't the case. But because I was on a mission to prove to this brat that I would protect her from anything, I marched straight to the administrative office and filled out an official complaint form.

I had some sense in me not to blatantly accuse this fellow of racism -although if I remember correctly, I questioned if we were treated badly "because of the way we looked". Anyone would have known what I was implying.

A few days later I received a call from an administrator asking for more information, where I explained my story. At this point, he straightforwardly asked if we were minorities and I said yes. Again, if I remember correctly my attitude was not so much accusatory, but more like reporting what I witnessed.

I remember the administrator saying that there were never any other complaints about the snack bar manager/owner, and although the administrator seemed sincere when dealing with me, it seemed from his tone that he wasn't convinced this this was an issue worth pursuing.

Nothing happened after that except that the stupid bimbo continued to ruin my life and I finally got the sense to drop her several months later.

Fast-forward 10 years later to today and the memory of this event popped into my head. I now know with certainty that there was nothing out of the ordinary with the snack bar manager's behaviour - he was curt and abrubt but there was no evidence to say that it was because of the way my friend looked (to tell you the truth, she doesn't really look like a minority on first glance).

I feel terrible about this. In that period of my life where I lost my senses I made a terrible accusation against someone who did not deserve it. And I feel I need to apologise, to let this guy know the truth, to own up to my stupidity.

I guess my approach would be to write a letter to the city, explaining the situation and asking them to apologise to this individual on my behalf.

However this happened 10 years ago:
- I don't even know if this fellow is still working at the recreation center (although that would be easy to find out).
- I know he was asked about it - after our complaint he had left a message at my home, clearly shocked and telling me that he had no recollection of who we were and that he was not the person who we accused him of being. But would he remember this event 10 years later?

Also, could it be possible that I am making this a bigger thing that it really was? Should I just leave it and forget about it?

Am I putting myself into legal hot water by admitting my "guilt"?

Is there anything in particular in the letter I need to say? My idea is to recall the story, admit that he was not at fault, apologise profusely and end it.

Also I intend to make the letter anonymous - I figure, my accusations although bad were not overtly damning and if he does remember the situation, he will remember it clearly, name or no name attached to the letter.

Is this a good approach to take in your opinion?

Thanks and I am so damn sorry.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (21 answers total)

could it be possible that I am making this a bigger thing that it really was? Should I just leave it and forget about it?

Yes and yes.

I worked in retail for a long time, and I once treated a mystery shopper not really RUDELY, but I was in a stanky mood and was curt/short with her. The report from the mystery shopping place was pretty bad, and my boss heard about it from her boss. I was otherwise a model employee (great customer service, always on time, etc), so my boss talked to me about it, I was all, "shit. My bad, sorry." Life went on. No big deal.

I understand wanting to try to make up for what this girl made you feel like you had to do because of her, but trust me, the guy in question is over it. I truly hope you can find a way to get over it as well.
posted by AlisonM at 10:32 AM on January 3, 2008

Let it go, already. It's ten years later, the guy's probably not still working at a rec center snack bar; I doubt the city could find him even if it tried. An anonymous apology a decade after the fact is so far beyond pointless that it's turning concave.

If you feel that bad about it, make up for it by being extra-nice to snack bar employees from now on.
posted by ook at 10:33 AM on January 3, 2008 [4 favorites]

accept that sometimes you just can't fix your past mistakes. Be a better person in the future.
posted by edgeways at 10:37 AM on January 3, 2008 [6 favorites]

I wouldn't suggest taking any action. But if it makes you feel any better we've all been misinterpreted and misaligned and it's nice to know that people actually think about their actions, like you have, and regret/repent/wish they could have done things differently. You've grown from the experience and it shows... now go forth and be a better person for it. If you do that, we can all thank you for your contribution to our collective humanity.
posted by vermontlife at 10:42 AM on January 3, 2008

It's good that you feel remorse for a prior indiscretion, but you probably won't have much success following up with the snack bar, much less getting back in touch with the employee. All in all, it does not sound like this would have been a big deal for the employee - complaints are filed all the time, and customer complaints are taken with a grain of salt (e.g. some are legitimate, and many are exaggerations or attempts to cause trouble or get free stuff). If you are truly set on taking action of some kind, might I suggest making a donation to a deserving organization (maybe an anti-discrimination one) or volunteering within your community? That way, you at least "atone" for the action while doing something positive.
posted by galimatias at 10:42 AM on January 3, 2008

Fast-forward 10 years later to today

You're bringing this up after all the this time to make yourself feel better, possibly after doing something foolish for manipulative person. Let it go, it's been ten years. You're forgiven for being human.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:00 AM on January 3, 2008

chiming in with a different viewpoint- i kind of like getting closure on stuff that confused me or hurt my feelings long ago. my cousin once told me that her mom, my aunt, has always felt bad for a big lecture she gave me when i was 12 that made me cry. i remember that lecture and how unfair it felt, with perfect clarity. over a decade later, just hearing- even from a secondhand source- that my aunt also felt bad about it, and probably would even apologize had she been born with the apology gene- made me feel WAY better, and i finally let the grudge go. i mean of course i should let this kind of stuff go anyway, on my own steam- but i really appreciated my cousin's giving me the lowdown.

i do agree that the most constructive thing you can do is to "pay it forward"- be nice to minimum wage employees, tip them well, and send praise them to their supervisors when they deserve it. but if doing that doesn't feel like enough, and you do decide to track the guy down, i think a note explaining a vaguer version of what happened, leaving out info about the woman who was involved, would be nice. something like "dear mike, 10 years ago i filed a complaint about you and implied that you discriminated against a friend and i. i wanted to let you know that in hindsight, i realize that my accusation was unfair. i think what actually happened was that my friend and i were being annoying, and you asked us to cut it out with legitimate, and not discriminatory, irritation in your tone. i have felt badly about this for years, because i think i overreacted and took it out on you in an unfair way. i know it's been years, but i just wanted to apologize. i hope the years between then and now have been kind to you, and i wish you all the best."

for what it's worth, i'm kind of touched to see that you care after all this time, and i think the world would be a warmer place if people went out of their way to make reparations for bad behaviour, no matter how much time has passed. i'm sure most people have been wronged in some way at some point, and although i do believe that the onus is on the individual to suck it up and move on, it's sometimes still nice to hear a voice from the woods saying "hey, you're not crazy and you didn't deserve that crappy thing that happened all those years ago!"

again, i'll suggest that i think this apology should also be accompanied by some actions that pay it forward to others- say nice things about good employees to their managers from now on! doing that can get them promotions and reference letters down the line, so it has really concrete benefits for the recipients of your actions. good luck!
posted by twistofrhyme at 11:01 AM on January 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

I agree to let it go but maybe (if it'll make you feel better), could you give some money to the recreational center? Do they take donations?
posted by modernsquid at 11:08 AM on January 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

Again, a different point of view. I don't see the harm in trying to locate him and say what you feel like you need to say. Paying it forward is a good idea, too, but this very well could be something that sticks out in his mind as it does yours. If I were this guy I would be remarkably touched and feel really great about humankind (at least for a little while) that a stranger who had hurt me pretty bad (being accused of racism when you aren't must really feel like shit) went to some effort to make right.

Don't be the dude in Memento and live your life to right the ship and get closure. That would be overkill and moreover you'd be doing it more for you than for him. But if you can make a few phone calls or visits to try to find him, I don't see why it's such a bad thing. If after some effort it's not panning out, then you know you tried and hopefully paying it forward will suffice.
posted by sneakin at 11:10 AM on January 3, 2008

could it be possible that I am making this a bigger thing that it really was? Should I just leave it and forget about it?

Of course it's possible - but I think you should definitely put a little legwork into this. Chances are it'll make the guy feel great, even if only for a little while - and it'll make you feel better too. Why not? It's a good story if you get it done (though the bit about the 'stupid bimbo' doesn't improve it, prosewise - surely some more sly phrasing would serve you better?). Write to his department, find out if it's possible to get a name or something for the fella, ask the employees there, do a little research. You'll surely be surprised at what you turn up.

But yes: of course you're making this out to be more than it is. Out of such lack of perspective great things can come sometimes.
posted by waxbanks at 11:12 AM on January 3, 2008

The one red flag I see in this is that you want to make this apology anonymously. That makes me think you're doing it more to make yourself feel better than to make things right. If you genuinely want to make things right, you should be willing to put your name behind your apology.
posted by jacquilynne at 11:16 AM on January 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

I think you're looking for closure for yourself, for your remorse for what you wasted on this relationship, but this is the wrong place to look. There's no benefit to be gained in dragging up this ancient annoyance. Anybody in service fields plenty such nuisance complaints a year. Forgive yourself and move on. We've all done stupid things for love.
posted by nanojath at 11:26 AM on January 3, 2008

Just because it isn't always possible to make things right doesn't mean you shouldn't make an attempt to do so. If it were me, I would make an attempt to find him and apologize, in person if possible. If you can't find him with a little bit of effort, I'd say let it go.

If I were him, I would really, really appreciate your honest apology. It may not "fix" the initial offense, but it's better than just ignoring it, now that you realized the mistake.

One last note: in my opinion, it's not a bad thing to do it at least partially for yourself. Apologizing isn't solely for the benefit of the recipient of the apology. It also serves the purpose of reinforcing in our minds, "I did something wrong; I'm doing my best to make things right; this should help me remember not to do stuff like that again."
posted by greenmagnet at 11:31 AM on January 3, 2008

I think you should go ahead and write the letter. You feel badly, you think that he deserves an apology, and so you should apologize. So what if it was ancient history? You're still trying to right an old wrong. And if it is partially for you peace of mind--why not? In my opinion the process of apologizing and learning from mistakes can benefit both parties, and is part of becoming a better person. Good luck.
posted by Bella Sebastian at 11:44 AM on January 3, 2008

Let.

It.

Go.

Don't even write the letter. It will either be a totally "wtf?" moment for whoever reads the letter, or it will bring back a bad memory of something long-forgotten.
posted by Doohickie at 12:20 PM on January 3, 2008

Jean Jacques Rousseau, the great humanist philosopher made a false accusation against a young woman when he was a young man. He was haunted by the accusation for the rest of his life, even confessing to it in his great Autobiography:

I am ignorant what became of the victim of my calumny, but there is little probability of her having been able to place herself agreeably after this, as she labored under an imputation cruel to her character in every respect...The cruel remembrance of this transaction, sometimes so troubles and disorders me, that, in my disturbed slumbers, I imagine I see this poor girl enter and reproach me with my crime, as though I had committed it but yesterday. While in easy tranquil circumstances, I was less miserable on this account, but, during a troubled agitated life, it has robbed me of the sweet consolation of persecuted innocence, and made me woefully experience, what, I think, I have remarked in some of my works, that remorse sleeps in the calm sunshine of prosperity, but wakes amid the storms of adversity...The weight, therefore, has remained heavy on my conscience to this day; and I can truly own the desire of relieving myself, in some measure, from it, contributed greatly to the resolution of writing my Confessions.

...It had one good effect, however, in preserving me through the rest of my life from any criminal action, from the terrible impression that has remained from the only one I ever committed; and I think my aversion for lying proceeds in a great measure from regret at having been guilty of so black a one. If it is a crime that can be expiated, as I dare believe, forty years of uprightness and honor on various difficult occasions, with the many misfortunes that have overwhelmed my latter years, may have completed it. Poor Marion has found so many avengers in this world, that however great my offense towards her, I do not fear to bear the guilt with me. Thus have I disclosed what I had to say on this painful subject; may I be permitted never to mention it again.

Sorry about the great length of the quote, but it highlights for me the extent to which a false accusation can burn into our souls, and the ways in which confession can be made into art. You need to confess, and you've started here (though anonymously). My recommendation is that you keep confessing until you feel that you've done it enough.
posted by jasper411 at 12:25 PM on January 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

Let sleeping dogs lie.
posted by nola at 1:38 PM on January 3, 2008

I think the biggest reason you shouldn't apologise is that it will come across like you're making excuses because of the prat you were dating. "Oh hi, you're the guy I put in a complaint form about ten years ago? Well, I just rang to say sorry, it wasn't my fault, this prat made me do it, feel better now, bye." Not that this is the case, I understand where you're coming from for sure, but unless you go in depth, and the poor guy doesn't deserve that, it'll come across kind of weird. I think you're right to let it go and remember it as a salutory lesson.
posted by b33j at 2:01 PM on January 3, 2008

If the guy's still there, you could always go right back where you went to complain and submit some praise this time. If he's not there anymore, it might make him uncomfortable if you try to track him down just to apologize. It was ten years ago, after all. And, for all you know, your wrongful complaint might have set off a chain of positive events for this guy. What if he became more conscious of his behavior after that, worked harder, got a raise, and moved on to something better? It's really great that you still care, but be careful that you don't intrude on his life further.
posted by katillathehun at 3:20 PM on January 3, 2008

I have often found receiving apologies, and giving apologies, to be very important and even turning points in my life. I think that process is for all of its participants (not just the giver, not just the receiver).

I have found apologies to be meaningful, even for things that happened many years earlier. An unsolicited apology from my mother about a time she dropped the ball during my adolescence has made all the difference to me. In your case, it sounds like he would appreciate the apology, given that he seemed upset about it at the time.

There is a person I wish I could find -- I borrowed her car and got into an accident, I didn't have any money, and she had to pay the damages. I'd like to pay her back now, but was 20 years ago -- I've googled her name, but it's common plus she got married. I have another apology I need to write, for something unprofessional I did nearly 10 years ago.

I don't think anything bad can come of it, other than a sort of hun? response.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 3:23 PM on January 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

Sometimes the way out of a hole has to do with knowing when to stop digging. This is one of those times.
posted by Doohickie at 5:16 PM on January 3, 2008