Passages
November 9, 2007 5:11 AM Subscribe
A family member just passed away, leaving her wish for a non-denominational funeral of some type. The family is using a cremation society to save the expense of falling into the funeral home trap since this avoids the need for a casket, embalming etc. Her ashes are to be interred in a denominational cemetary next to her parents.
Who to officiate over her memorial if not a priest/rabbi etc??
Please help me with ideas for a simple officiated memorial (without going into family dynamics, it would be problematic to rely on attendees to give eulogies hence the need for someone to officiate)
Sorry, should have Googled first -- there is an Ethical Culture Society of Los Angeles. I have no idea if they would do this, or if it's feasible for your location. I attended a service at the New York organization once, and was impressed with it.
posted by lassie at 5:37 AM on November 9, 2007
posted by lassie at 5:37 AM on November 9, 2007
Sorry for your loss.
If the deceased was involved in any organizations (work, hobbies, political, etc.) perhaps a leader or coworker who knew her through the organization might be a good choice. I realize this may not apply to your particular circumstances, but it might work for some.
Another thought would be to find a social worker or therapist who works with families or groups and see if you could hire them to officiate. Their training in family dynamics and familiarity with difficult life transitions would seem to qualify them as a compassionate and professional officiant. Of course, you may have to call several before you find one who is interested in this sort of work, as it is probably not something that many have done before.
Good luck.
posted by man on the run at 5:45 AM on November 9, 2007
If the deceased was involved in any organizations (work, hobbies, political, etc.) perhaps a leader or coworker who knew her through the organization might be a good choice. I realize this may not apply to your particular circumstances, but it might work for some.
Another thought would be to find a social worker or therapist who works with families or groups and see if you could hire them to officiate. Their training in family dynamics and familiarity with difficult life transitions would seem to qualify them as a compassionate and professional officiant. Of course, you may have to call several before you find one who is interested in this sort of work, as it is probably not something that many have done before.
Good luck.
posted by man on the run at 5:45 AM on November 9, 2007
We just went through a similar situation when my father died.
Upon his death the remains were handled by a local crematorium affiliated with the people he purchased the policy through.
We then looked at a few funeral homes until we found one we were comfortable with and made arrangements for the room. The cremains were then overnighted (it seems they do this all the time) to the funeral home.
Our family dynamic is pretty odd but they were wonderful. We just did a simple display of photos and played his favorite music. We are not religious people but wanted, as do you, someone to officiate. But someone with a very light touch. The funeral home had a list of local clergy and when we explained what we wanted they pointed us at a marvelous Unitarian minister.
For us the key part was the funeral home and my only advice would be to take your time. I know how anxious people can be to just get it resolved, but this is big stuff and the memories will matter. If you're not comfortable in the facility and with the people, move on. The right people, professional people, can manage the logistics and give you guys time to love each other.
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by cedar at 6:39 AM on November 9, 2007
Upon his death the remains were handled by a local crematorium affiliated with the people he purchased the policy through.
We then looked at a few funeral homes until we found one we were comfortable with and made arrangements for the room. The cremains were then overnighted (it seems they do this all the time) to the funeral home.
Our family dynamic is pretty odd but they were wonderful. We just did a simple display of photos and played his favorite music. We are not religious people but wanted, as do you, someone to officiate. But someone with a very light touch. The funeral home had a list of local clergy and when we explained what we wanted they pointed us at a marvelous Unitarian minister.
For us the key part was the funeral home and my only advice would be to take your time. I know how anxious people can be to just get it resolved, but this is big stuff and the memories will matter. If you're not comfortable in the facility and with the people, move on. The right people, professional people, can manage the logistics and give you guys time to love each other.
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by cedar at 6:39 AM on November 9, 2007
The American Humanist Association has a program to certify Humanists Celebrants -- some one who conducts non-religious and inter-religious ceremonies. There are several listed in your area at this page
posted by tallus at 8:05 AM on November 9, 2007
posted by tallus at 8:05 AM on November 9, 2007
You might also try to find a willing Unitarian-Universalist minister. They would probably be able to provide a "religious feel", which might be comforting/expected for those involved but without dogmatism. An actual minister would have had some pastoral training to deal with grief as well.
Funeral homes usually have a list of people they call on to officiate, one might be willing to give you a referral.
posted by MasonDixon at 8:21 AM on November 9, 2007
Funeral homes usually have a list of people they call on to officiate, one might be willing to give you a referral.
posted by MasonDixon at 8:21 AM on November 9, 2007
I know some congregationalist ministers who are VERY laid back, and very eloquent too. I'm not sure if they are all like that but you might ask one if they could give a non-denominational service. I know I would want one of them at mine.
posted by sully75 at 8:59 AM on November 9, 2007
posted by sully75 at 8:59 AM on November 9, 2007
When my friend's wife lost her fight with cancer, he was concerned that their atheist, secular, humanist beliefs would make for an uncomfortable and unrepresentative ceremony. He resolved the problem simply. He played her favorite song to start with, read a letter to her family and friends that she had prepared when her sickness recurred, asked their daughter to say a few words, and then went around the room, asking people to tell jokes and share memories about Kathy. Turns out everyone had something to say, many people cried and many more people laughed (Kathy had a wicked wit and took deep delight in pranking her coworkers in often awful and humiliating ways).
There really wasn't the need to have anyone "officiate". The funeral director handled the logistics and everyone's participation shaped the ceremony. It was dignified, moving, uplifting, and because it was participatory, it meant more to me than many other funerals.
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 9:11 AM on November 9, 2007
There really wasn't the need to have anyone "officiate". The funeral director handled the logistics and everyone's participation shaped the ceremony. It was dignified, moving, uplifting, and because it was participatory, it meant more to me than many other funerals.
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 9:11 AM on November 9, 2007
You could also try looking into a Unitarian Universalist minister. It's not a Christian religion and doesn't preach any single belief system.
posted by tastybrains at 1:28 PM on November 9, 2007
posted by tastybrains at 1:28 PM on November 9, 2007
Response by poster: Thanks everyone, for your help.
posted by Fupped Duck at 5:26 PM on November 9, 2007
posted by Fupped Duck at 5:26 PM on November 9, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by lassie at 5:25 AM on November 9, 2007