I've made a huge mistake

November 7, 2007 7:53 AM

Lately I have been feeling like I have blown my chance at true love and have been missing an ex. Hard. Problem: we've both moved on to other relationships. Should I make one final grand romantic gesture to my ex?

Backstory: My previous relationship was ended by me after roughly six months. I realized I'd made a mistake, but didn't do anything about immediately. When I did decide to do something, my ex had moved on (to an ex of her own, actually). Seven months after the breakup I'm also in a new relationship, but I still have feelings for my ex.

I am happy in my current relationship, but it's just not that same (obviously, as I am now dating a different person). This would be fine, but my brain is convinced that my ex was my one true and that letting her go was a mistake that I'll regret for the rest of my life. I was truly happy with my ex, but I let some things get the best of me and decided to break up with her for my own reasons. We still talk very occasionally, and after every conversation I'm further convinced that I've made this tremendous mistake that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I've read this question, and while some of the answers were helpful, it's not really the same situation.

My question, hive mind, is this: Should I let her know that I still have feelings for her? Tell her that I can't live without her (won't know unless I try, right?)? Or should I just work on letting things go and being happy in my current relationship?

I'm sure I've left some stuff out in my effort to keep things concise (I swear this question came together so much better in my head while I was showering this morning), so I can be reached at [e-mail] with any questions.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (29 answers total)

I wouldn't confess your feelings to your ex until you, at the least, get out of your pointless relationship. A lot of girls have a hard time taking romantic grandstanding seriously while you're clearly looking to be in any relationship you can.
posted by shownomercy at 8:00 AM on November 7, 2007 [2 favorites]

My 'ex' and I have been happily married for 4 years! So I would say, yes, it might be worth it.

Grand romantic gesture though? Eh, how about just reconnecting and see where it leads you.

And ditto to ending the pointless relationship.
posted by ian1977 at 8:03 AM on November 7, 2007 [1 favorite]

I think you're asking the wrong question, or perhaps omitting some potential answers. You are a little light on details so I'm bound to project some of my own baggage here: my troubled wife left me several years ago, for 'her own reasons' after a brief and traumatic too-young marriage. Some months later she called out of the blue, wanting to get back together, and there was just no way I could open myself up to be hurt more. I said no, and haven't spoken to her since. So since I'm stuck projecting this on you, I'm going to say you shouldn't make such a grand (and sad) gesture. On the other hand, if you're thinking this gesture seems like a good idea, you're probably not very good for the person you're with now. Door#3 is you get honest with yourself about whatever caused you to break off the relationship, and start dealing with your own problems instead of trying to figure out which other person might be your door to happiness.
posted by jon1270 at 8:10 AM on November 7, 2007 [2 favorites]

You have to do it. Otherwise you'll just be regretting it for the rest of your life. Try, maybe fail, but don't NOT try.
posted by rokusan at 8:13 AM on November 7, 2007

Start things off easy. Your mind might just be creating these feelings unjustly. Its a sticky situation as she has a boyfriend now, but ask her out to lunch (less formal than dinner) and see what happens.

All in all, don't go balls out with this and confess your never ending love. That will be the quickest way to the end.

Good luck
posted by Black_Umbrella at 8:14 AM on November 7, 2007

You should do something about it.

But before you say anything to anyone else, before you even set up the date or continue with your plan of attack, you should defintiely end your current relationship first.

It's easier to have fond feelings for someone else when you're treating your current someone as a placeholder. When that place is empty, you'll see the truth more clearly.

And if you don't have the balls to do that, then you don't have the love for your ex that you think you do.

Also, if you more forward towards your ex while still dating someone else, karma will come back and break you in two. There are few truths I know in the universe, but I'm not exaggerating when I speak this one.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:22 AM on November 7, 2007 [2 favorites]

Sounds like your current relationship is so lackluster that it's making your previous one seem amazing. Shownomercy has a good point, get out of your current one and just be you for a while. Make a judgement after some time alone.

As for the grand gesture, you'll just piss her off - especially if she's in a relationship right now. Don't be one of those guys that extravagantly reveals his undying love and proposes, life is not a movie. Reconnecting with ex's is much easier when you start from scratch.
posted by idiotfactory at 8:23 AM on November 7, 2007 [2 favorites]

I've often noticed throughout my life that pining away for person A while dating person B indicates only that B is wrong for me, not that A is right for me. Person A just provides a convenient excuse for my brain when I can't quite identify why B isn't doing it for me. I'm sure I'm not the only one who works this way.

In light of that: Deal with your current relationship first. If you decide to break it off, and give yourself some time afterwards to get over it, only then should you do anything about the original ex. And I really doubt a grand gesture would go over well - it looks good in the movies, but can come off as pretty pathetic/needy in real life.
posted by vytae at 8:27 AM on November 7, 2007 [2 favorites]

In my vast experience of TV/Movie trivia I can offer you this:

Scrubs-ish aspect:
What is stopping you from getting back together just to break up again? If you have a good thing shouldn’t you stay with it.

Chasing Amy-ish aspect:
The one that got away…if it’s real you’ll always have the ex on you mind.

I’m not making light of your question but are you the “I’m happy and things are going great so I’m bailing” (you did break up previously are you now really over it) or is It genuine?

In black and white the ex might seem perfect but in the color of your real life will she stay perfect or at least more perfect than your current realtionship?
posted by doorsfan at 8:35 AM on November 7, 2007 [2 favorites]

Agree. End your current relationship, let the fallout from that breakup blow over. Then sit down and think about what you want to do about your ex, if anything.

Advantages of this plan: It gives you time to think about your feelings for your ex, outside of the context of your current relationship. Is it really about her, or just about you wanting a change? Also, a reasonable amount of time passing between relationships will look better to the ex, if and when you do decide to approach her. I have an ex that comes knocking on my door every single time one of his relationships is in its ending stages, talking about how I'm the one and his relationship is failing because he's still in love with me. It's pathetic, it's insincere, and any sane woman sees right through it. Don't be that guy.

Whatever you decide to do, know this: If you try to win back the ex without first breaking up with your girlfriend? Because you do want to be with her if you can't be with your ex? Mark my words, they will both find out, they will both dump you, and they will both laugh in your face the next time you come around saying "I've made a huge mistake."
posted by lampoil at 8:47 AM on November 7, 2007

You ended your previous relationship for a reason. You then had second thoughts. Nothing in your current question actually seems to state why your ex would be a better relationship - why the relationship was great, why it was awesome, why it was amazing, and why you should be together. This just reads as if someone ended a relationship during the honeymoon phase and is now regretting it because you have this vague feeling that you are unable to put into words.

If you have an objectively good reason why your relationship with your ex worked and why it should work over all other future relationships you have a chance at having, then dump your current relationship, go talk to your ex, and sees what happens. If, instead, you want to pussy foot around and play a game where you're in your current relationship while still pining for your ex, you've got a lot of growing up to do and you should stop talking to your ex, grow up, and then see if this question comes up.
posted by Stynxno at 8:59 AM on November 7, 2007 [3 favorites]

Bad idea. The relationship is over, let it go. You need to decide if the current one is worth sticking with (in which case, you need to focus on it and stop mooning over memories and might-have-beens) or not (in which case you need to end it and try living on your own for a while).
posted by languagehat at 9:09 AM on November 7, 2007

We do make mistakes in relationships and sometimes that mistake is breaking things off, rather than working things through. That said, everyone who is saying that you need to either focus on your new relationship or end your new relationship is on the right track. You cannot have your cake and eat it, too.

I also think that grand gestures can either be creepy or charming. It all depends on the people, the gesture, the context, the baggage, the execution. . . . But a grand gesture directed at an ex with a new boyfriend, while you have a new girlfriend is unlikely to go well.
posted by crush-onastick at 9:19 AM on November 7, 2007

It sure doesn't sound like you know what you want. I think you'd benefit from being single for awhile.

If I were the ex that you dumped, then professed undying love to once I was in another relationship and you were in another relationship, I would thank my lucky stars that I was out of your confused, mixed-up life.
posted by oneirodynia at 9:30 AM on November 7, 2007 [3 favorites]

You have two separate issues.

1) Should I stay in my current relationship?
2) Should I try to get back together with my ex?

Don't do that thing where you stay in your current relationship so long as #2 hasn't manifested. That's not okay.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 9:40 AM on November 7, 2007

The only mistake I'm seeing here is the belief that such a thing as "the one" exists. Its a popular romantic refuge that usually ends in disaster. In real life there are many "ones."
posted by damn dirty ape at 10:34 AM on November 7, 2007

Whether or not "the one" exists, why right now? Why is this the moment?

Stay in contact, as friends, if you like, if she wants.

If you don't think your current relationship is going anywhere, get out of it. But don't make it dependent on whether or not your ex wants you back.

If I were your ex, I'd tell you this. Grand romantic gestures mean nothing. Really. Nothing. Why? Because they're empty. The people who really love you, who you really need to be with despite all the bs, are the ones who are there for you, over time, when things are good, when things are bad. They'll be your friend and things will happen when the time is right.

And, if I were your ex, I'd be incredibly suspect of your motivation. You broke it off, now that you imagine her with someone else, you want her back, but heck, who's to say even if you did get back together after some huge romantic gesture, that you wouldn't decide three months later that *that* was the mistake.

Maybe I'm projecting, but you care a lot about your feelings and what you need, but not what your ex wants or needs or what your girlfriend needs or wants. Which means you love neither of them. Stop already. Think. And as soon as you see it in terms beyond, "But I want this now." you're almost a grownup.

You sound young, confused and a little "the grass is always greener." A little soul searching that has nothing to do with relationships might do you a world of good.
posted by Gucky at 11:02 AM on November 7, 2007 [2 favorites]

No.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 11:03 AM on November 7, 2007

I think that you should really look at your life and consider whether this isn't a more serious issue of self-sabotage. You mentioned that you broke off the relationship and that you regretted it. Now, you are considering ending your current relationship to go back to another relationship (well, a hypothetical relationship).

When my mom used to say to me that she thought I had a complex of "fear of success" I laughed at her and said that nobody is afraid of success. And anyway, I'm successful - so clearly I can't be afraid of it. But the more I looked into it, the less I found amusing. The truth is that no matter how successful I have been, I have engaged in a lot of dangerous behaviors that have hurt people along the way and ruined perfectly good relationships, friendships, experiences, and options. And I can't blame those things on anyone but myself.

I'd be careful that you aren't just falling for another one of your own tricks before you do anything to rock the boat.
posted by greekphilosophy at 11:06 AM on November 7, 2007 [1 favorite]

If you decide to do it, break up with the current girlfriend first.
posted by number9dream at 11:15 AM on November 7, 2007 [1 favorite]

hells yeah, go for it
posted by matteo at 11:45 AM on November 7, 2007

nthing breaking up with the current gf first. no one wants to be Plan B whether they know it or not. and by staying with her, you're just trying to hedge your bets. the fact that you are still thinking about someone else while with your current gf is an obvious indication that the current gf isn't someone you really want to be with anyway.

i agree with everyone who advises to take some time off and figure out what [i]you[/i] really want first and whether the reasons you broke up with your ex and the reasons you want to get back together with her are viable or whether you are just feeling nostalgic. another thing to consider is whether you think the ex is open to wanting to get back together with you. have the two of you been in communication since the break up? was the break up amicable or was it painful for her? you need to gauge how receptive she is to the idea before you spring this on her.
posted by violetk at 11:59 AM on November 7, 2007

you should try it but not in your current state of mind.

I think you should try and get away from the idea that there's only one 'one'. The trouble with thinking of only 'one' is that no-one else ever lives up to it. If you hadnt dated your ex, you could be thinking your current is the 'one' for all you know.

Supposing you do profess your undying love and your ex turns round and says she's not interested, then what are you going to do? How are you going to live with that?

I suppose you'll convince yourself you were mistaken, she cant be the one if she's not feeling the same, or you'll regret your actions forever. Either way currently you've though yourself into a 'my life is in your hands' situation. You need to get control back.

Once you can get away from the idea of only one 'one'. You can get away from having regrets. Only then should you approach her, as you have nothing to loose and its a win win situation.
posted by browolf at 12:08 PM on November 7, 2007 [1 favorite]

It's so easy to remember all the good things once the person's daily behavior is out of your life. Before you try to rekindle, sit down and make a realistic list of everything that led to the breakup with your ex. How many of those things were daily behaviors, recurrent fights, stupid things in general that aren't going to change?

If you broke up because she constantly criticized you, flirted with your friends, chewed in a way that makes you crazy... 99 percent chance that those things won't have changed in less than a year.

If it was her work schedule or school or something that has since been changed to a more reasonable solution, then yes, go for it, and hope that she feels the same way and her current flame doesn't have a violent streak.

But don't discount the rose-colored-glasses effect. I have tried to get back together with exes and gotten into a fight the very first night, before we even slept together. Of course that was in college, so meh, not sure what your age is, but if she is dating someone else, you've got four people's behavior to factor in here... her, her current suitor, your current s.o. and yourself. Pretty hard to imagine that it'll come out well for everyone, and I tend to agree with the self-sabotage assessment. Good luck though in whatever you decide! Love is a battlefield.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 12:42 PM on November 7, 2007

No. You broke up the first time for a reason. Move forward, not backward.
posted by CwgrlUp at 5:10 PM on November 7, 2007

I'd like to suggest that six months probably isn't nearly long enough to become convinced on any reasonable basis that somebody was the love of your life. You would barely have had time to get over the initial getting-together euphoria, where everything's all sunshine & roses.

Until somebody's proven their mettle & commitment by making some hard decisions with you, maybe suffering some nasty setbacks or whatever, they can be as flaky underneath as the worst of fair weather friends & you'd never know it. I'm not saying that getting through tough times is necessary for a strong relationship, just that you've probably only been through a honeymoon period with this girl, and may not know what she's really like, underneath.

I'd apply that same principle, vice-versa, to you, too, with respect to your dealings with her. Obviously, though, you're better placed to understand your respective personalities. That'd just be my overall default position on a very short-term relationship, in the scheme of things.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:12 PM on November 7, 2007

Dude, you are like every girl's nightmare. Not only are you the guy who breaks up with a woman he's perfectly happy with for vague, existential reasons, you're also the guy who strings someone along whilst secretly pining for his ex.

I echo the suggestions that you spend a considerable amount of time alone and in reflection before you even think of getting involved with anyone again.

I assume you're pretty young, so I hope this doesn't come off as too harsh but the sooner you get past this kind of tedious behaviour, the better.
posted by Jess the Mess at 10:51 AM on November 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

Sounds like normal breakup remorse. If you like someone enough to date them in the first place, it's not going to be easy letting them go. Having some lingering feelings can be quite normal, I think. After all, right now she is the most unattainable woman in the world to you, and there's an automatic allure to that. Especially once she shacks up with someone else... you're going to feel some pangs. But move forward. I doubt with such a young relationship you have enough equity in each other to navigate such a thorny proposition as getting back together after a breakup and mutual new relationships.

If you *are* going to attempt it, I think "I made a mistake" is the worst message to lead with. Whether you did or not, it's done. There is no rewind. There is no "do over." If you both currently have the desire to be together going forward, then there's a chance. For a relationship because it's what you both want for your future. Not as some kind of mistake remediation. If you just want to turn back the clock as if it didn't happen, I'm sorry but life just ain't so kind.
posted by scarabic at 8:46 PM on November 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

That's:

Form a relationship because it's what you both want
posted by scarabic at 8:47 PM on November 14, 2007