Bun in the oven
October 11, 2007 10:21 PM Subscribe
We have been married for exactly one year and one month. My husband just lost his job and I am working part time. We just found out that we are pregnant with our first child. With recently losing his job my husband asked me if i would consider giving the baby up for adoption. Have you ever had an experience like this before? Did you give your child up even in a marriage? How did it effect your life now? Its something he asked me today but its a really hard decision.
It takes more than money to raise a child. He says he is not ready. My family would probably tell me to do what we think is best. I'm sure his parents would encourage adoption. do you have any experiences that would help?
It takes more than money to raise a child. He says he is not ready. My family would probably tell me to do what we think is best. I'm sure his parents would encourage adoption. do you have any experiences that would help?
I don't have an answer to your question as to what you should do; I wouldn't feel comfortable telling anyone what to do in a situation like this, really.
However, I'll say that when my wife was pregnant I was looking at unemployment and was desperately searching for a job, and she was in part-time employment due to a back injury. And I really wasn't feeling ready to be a father either - mainly because it was something I knew nothing about, didn't know what to expect, and was fearful about how it would change our lives.
My son is now 14 months old, everything is wonderful, and I couldn't live without him.
posted by Jimbob at 10:53 PM on October 11, 2007 [1 favorite]
However, I'll say that when my wife was pregnant I was looking at unemployment and was desperately searching for a job, and she was in part-time employment due to a back injury. And I really wasn't feeling ready to be a father either - mainly because it was something I knew nothing about, didn't know what to expect, and was fearful about how it would change our lives.
My son is now 14 months old, everything is wonderful, and I couldn't live without him.
posted by Jimbob at 10:53 PM on October 11, 2007 [1 favorite]
Don't let your husband, your family or his pressure you into giving your baby away if it's not what you want to do. No one is truly ready to be a parent, and plenty of "poor" people have kids.
posted by clh at 11:06 PM on October 11, 2007 [8 favorites]
posted by clh at 11:06 PM on October 11, 2007 [8 favorites]
Keep the baby; give up the husband. It's going to hurt either way, but this this way you'll regret less.
posted by timeistight at 11:10 PM on October 11, 2007 [24 favorites]
posted by timeistight at 11:10 PM on October 11, 2007 [24 favorites]
You talk about what he thinks, what you think your parents and his parents would think. You don't say anything about what you want, how you feel about it. You also don't say anything about how the marriage has been going in general, or about the circumstances of his loss of job, which affect both his psychological state in terms of being suddenly faced with a looming an uncertain potential responsibility, and his future prospects, which are obviously important, or what your ideas and plans about having children had been prior to these events. It's hard to give anything other than very generic advice.
The most obvious piece of which is, this is the wrong time to try to tackle this decision. You've just been hit with a couple of big emotional upsets - people radically underestimate how much psychological impact stress events like these have. Neither of you is in a good deciding frame of mind. Furthermore, I think it would be drastically unwise to commit yourself to any course of action right now when the pregnancy is essentially an abstraction. If you carry this child to term, in the months to come it is going to become something very real, visceral and deeply personal and your feelings about it are going to change completely. There is no way you can "settle" this now and your husband needs to understand that.
posted by nanojath at 11:12 PM on October 11, 2007 [4 favorites]
The most obvious piece of which is, this is the wrong time to try to tackle this decision. You've just been hit with a couple of big emotional upsets - people radically underestimate how much psychological impact stress events like these have. Neither of you is in a good deciding frame of mind. Furthermore, I think it would be drastically unwise to commit yourself to any course of action right now when the pregnancy is essentially an abstraction. If you carry this child to term, in the months to come it is going to become something very real, visceral and deeply personal and your feelings about it are going to change completely. There is no way you can "settle" this now and your husband needs to understand that.
posted by nanojath at 11:12 PM on October 11, 2007 [4 favorites]
I'm a very pro-choice person, but my biological father and mother divorced more or less because he resented my birth and, as I was told at age 21 by Mom at age 42, thought I was "a trap." He worked in the oil fields, she was a cocktail waitress. So I was probably, by the best logic in your position, a bad decision. She had an abortion after my birth, as well. He had gotten abusive. Not an auspicious beginning for me. But, I'm a strong, independent, well-adjusted 26 year old person now with happy childhood memories and a great relationship with my proud mother; I'm the most understanding person in her life. My mom? I dunno. She may be more damaged because of it than I am. She taught me to love therapy, though. Early.
Incidentally or not, mom and I also now have an open-adoption kid in the family, my sister, and she is, to me, exceptional as a person who simply embodies hope. Adoption is a miracle. Mom adopted her, Stepdad's adopting me too. Families are pliable, resilient things.
That's my best effort at some tangential points of view; my experiences. It's gonna be personal.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 11:52 PM on October 11, 2007
Incidentally or not, mom and I also now have an open-adoption kid in the family, my sister, and she is, to me, exceptional as a person who simply embodies hope. Adoption is a miracle. Mom adopted her, Stepdad's adopting me too. Families are pliable, resilient things.
That's my best effort at some tangential points of view; my experiences. It's gonna be personal.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 11:52 PM on October 11, 2007
I wanted to say what timeistight said, but I thought it would be too nasty. Now that the ice is broken, though... seconded.
posted by rokusan at 1:18 AM on October 12, 2007
posted by rokusan at 1:18 AM on October 12, 2007
Just to offer another view on abortion, I had one when I was 19 and 6 years later I still have no regrets. It was a remarkably simple procedure (I had it done at 8 weeks) and when I came home from the hospital, it felt like the best day of my life, a huge weight had been lifted. For us there was really no other choice, neither of us wanted children (still don't), we couldn't afford one and as I don't find abortion morally objectionable there really was no reason to go through 9 months of hell just to give the baby to someone else.
I just wanted to offer a different perspective, I'm sure you've heard plenty of abortion stories like sondrialiac's, but my experience was completely different and I think the key difference is that I didn't want the child and I didn't get attached. If you want it and you get rid of it, your experience will probably be more like sondrialiac's than mine but abortion does not have to be a painful emotional experience.
If you decide to abort or adopt don't get attached, don't think of it as a baby - think of it as a growth or a parasite. I know that sounds harsh but getting attached will only make it harder to let go. It has to be your decision. It will be much easier for your husband to give it up than for you, he wont have the pregnancy hormones messing him up.
As other people have mentioned, you don't say what you want. If his only concern is financial, 9 months is a long time he could get another job by then.
IMHO if you want the baby, you should keep it. If in 8 or 9 months time, you're still in the same situation (ie. not ready and can't afford it) then think about adoption.
posted by missmagenta at 2:12 AM on October 12, 2007 [3 favorites]
I just wanted to offer a different perspective, I'm sure you've heard plenty of abortion stories like sondrialiac's, but my experience was completely different and I think the key difference is that I didn't want the child and I didn't get attached. If you want it and you get rid of it, your experience will probably be more like sondrialiac's than mine but abortion does not have to be a painful emotional experience.
If you decide to abort or adopt don't get attached, don't think of it as a baby - think of it as a growth or a parasite. I know that sounds harsh but getting attached will only make it harder to let go. It has to be your decision. It will be much easier for your husband to give it up than for you, he wont have the pregnancy hormones messing him up.
As other people have mentioned, you don't say what you want. If his only concern is financial, 9 months is a long time he could get another job by then.
IMHO if you want the baby, you should keep it. If in 8 or 9 months time, you're still in the same situation (ie. not ready and can't afford it) then think about adoption.
posted by missmagenta at 2:12 AM on October 12, 2007 [3 favorites]
my cousin was adopted from a married couple. they were alcoholics, however, so there was a different dimension to their poverty. she does have a relationship with that family now, so it's certainly possible.
there are plenty of poor people who have children and love them and whose children grow up to be great people--one of my best friends was one of those children.
your husband is totally freaking out about not being able to provide for this baby. men have different relationships to their jobs than women do--a lot more of his pride and self-esteem is rooted in his job than yours probably is. he doesn't want to take money from family, or the state, or charity--he wants to be able to take care of you guys himself, or not at all. that's not a judgment, just some insight into how men think
that said, you should decide what you want to do. if you want this baby, then keep it. whether or not he stays on board, you'll find a way to get through life. and if you don'[t think you can give up a baby and don't want to keep the child, then definitely get an abortion. you have to live with this decision too.
have you guys considered discussing this with a therapist or pastor? it might help a great deal.
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:09 AM on October 12, 2007 [2 favorites]
there are plenty of poor people who have children and love them and whose children grow up to be great people--one of my best friends was one of those children.
your husband is totally freaking out about not being able to provide for this baby. men have different relationships to their jobs than women do--a lot more of his pride and self-esteem is rooted in his job than yours probably is. he doesn't want to take money from family, or the state, or charity--he wants to be able to take care of you guys himself, or not at all. that's not a judgment, just some insight into how men think
that said, you should decide what you want to do. if you want this baby, then keep it. whether or not he stays on board, you'll find a way to get through life. and if you don'[t think you can give up a baby and don't want to keep the child, then definitely get an abortion. you have to live with this decision too.
have you guys considered discussing this with a therapist or pastor? it might help a great deal.
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:09 AM on October 12, 2007 [2 favorites]
Lots of people don't feel they're ready to be a parent when it happens, but they turn out to be good parents. Your husband is probably completely freaking out, feeling like a failure and believing he has no right to be raising a child, since he can't even keep a job, support his wife, etc, etc. As such he may not be thinking straight or rationally, he may just be trying to get rid of "problems". Give him a bit of comfort and attention and support and ask for the same from him. You two are facing major pressures and these are the times you need to try and stick together.
As for keeping the kid, if you husband still had his job, would you want to keep it? Money and jobs can come and go, but love and strong family easily trumps being poor.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:23 AM on October 12, 2007
As for keeping the kid, if you husband still had his job, would you want to keep it? Money and jobs can come and go, but love and strong family easily trumps being poor.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:23 AM on October 12, 2007
In principle I'm pro-choice, and I also have neighbors with four happy adopted kids, but having recently read Ann Fessler's The Girls Who Went Away, I can't imagine how anyone goes through with either option without suffering some real damage. Don't do it unless you absolutely know it's the right thing. Don't let someone else's fear shape your life.
posted by jon1270 at 4:28 AM on October 12, 2007
posted by jon1270 at 4:28 AM on October 12, 2007
I'm just about as feminist as they come, but I have to disagree with the 'forget the husband, keep the baby' camp (especially since you don't say whether or not you want to keep the baby). I don't think it's necessarily fair to dismiss your husband's concerns as just being about whether he can provide financially for the child. Were you planning on having children before you got pregnant? He might not be ready for a whole host of other reasons. As others have pointed out, "poor" people have kids all the time, and it makes sense to me that if a child was really what he wanted right now, he wouldn't be so quick to suggest adoption.
The reason I point this out, fully cognizant of the fact that it is indeed your body we're talking about, is that he's still on the hook for maintenance and child support if you decide to have this child, with or without him. That's a very big obligation. And yes, you're most certainly entitled to do what you want; but the mature and responsible thing to do would be to consider the impact of this decision on all the parties involved.
I could be wrong about all of this, though. Talk to your husband and try to flesh out what his concerns actually are. Take some time to yourself to think about what it is you want out of this. Adoption can be an excellent choice, especially if your decision provides your child with a home and resources you would be unable to give him or her at this point. There's also nothing wrong at all with choosing to have the child - just be sure that you're ready and willing to make the sacrifices that raising a child demands.
Take a few days to think about it. You don't need to make this decision right this moment. Good luck.
posted by AV at 4:47 AM on October 12, 2007 [3 favorites]
The reason I point this out, fully cognizant of the fact that it is indeed your body we're talking about, is that he's still on the hook for maintenance and child support if you decide to have this child, with or without him. That's a very big obligation. And yes, you're most certainly entitled to do what you want; but the mature and responsible thing to do would be to consider the impact of this decision on all the parties involved.
I could be wrong about all of this, though. Talk to your husband and try to flesh out what his concerns actually are. Take some time to yourself to think about what it is you want out of this. Adoption can be an excellent choice, especially if your decision provides your child with a home and resources you would be unable to give him or her at this point. There's also nothing wrong at all with choosing to have the child - just be sure that you're ready and willing to make the sacrifices that raising a child demands.
Take a few days to think about it. You don't need to make this decision right this moment. Good luck.
posted by AV at 4:47 AM on October 12, 2007 [3 favorites]
Seconding AV. You need to know exactly what your husband's concerns are. If they're financial, it's a completely understandable reaction, and kicking him out for daring to consider a different option would be the height of folly.
I'm of the opinion that the finances can be made to work, but I don't have the emotion of the moment on me. See, if that is his concern, if you can rationally work out what the finances would be.
posted by stevis23 at 4:56 AM on October 12, 2007
I'm of the opinion that the finances can be made to work, but I don't have the emotion of the moment on me. See, if that is his concern, if you can rationally work out what the finances would be.
posted by stevis23 at 4:56 AM on October 12, 2007
I agree that both parties should participate in a decision like this.
Millions of people have had babies under trying financial conditions, and have done well. Finances (and personal fears about raising a child) will change; what you decide to do will not.
posted by yclipse at 5:09 AM on October 12, 2007
Millions of people have had babies under trying financial conditions, and have done well. Finances (and personal fears about raising a child) will change; what you decide to do will not.
posted by yclipse at 5:09 AM on October 12, 2007
I agree that finances can and probably will change.
Anecdotal, but my mother was 17 years old when she gave birth to me. My father was 22. I never knew we were "poor" when I was a kid. My mother and father certainly weren't "ready". I had two planned pregnancies that resulted into two children. We weren't even "ready". The best time to have children will never come. Ideally we would like our maturity, finances, and mental health to be optimal, but this is rare.
Did you and your husband discuss if you both wanted children eventually? Does your husband want to be a father one day? Did you have plans of eventually becoming a mother? If you wanted kids eventually, here is your wish, so to speak.
Be very careful when looking for approval or guidance from your parents or in-laws. You are an adult, married couple that needs to hash this out together.
But honestly, ultimately this is your decision. You are carrying the baby. What do you want to do?
to zouhair: there is plenty of help for pregnant mothers in the USA. Medical and financial. This isn't about what is wrong with America. This isn't a question about a person seeking medical and financial help for a fetus. This is about a man not wanting to parent a child. Read the question.
posted by LoriFLA at 5:54 AM on October 12, 2007 [2 favorites]
Anecdotal, but my mother was 17 years old when she gave birth to me. My father was 22. I never knew we were "poor" when I was a kid. My mother and father certainly weren't "ready". I had two planned pregnancies that resulted into two children. We weren't even "ready". The best time to have children will never come. Ideally we would like our maturity, finances, and mental health to be optimal, but this is rare.
Did you and your husband discuss if you both wanted children eventually? Does your husband want to be a father one day? Did you have plans of eventually becoming a mother? If you wanted kids eventually, here is your wish, so to speak.
Be very careful when looking for approval or guidance from your parents or in-laws. You are an adult, married couple that needs to hash this out together.
But honestly, ultimately this is your decision. You are carrying the baby. What do you want to do?
to zouhair: there is plenty of help for pregnant mothers in the USA. Medical and financial. This isn't about what is wrong with America. This isn't a question about a person seeking medical and financial help for a fetus. This is about a man not wanting to parent a child. Read the question.
posted by LoriFLA at 5:54 AM on October 12, 2007 [2 favorites]
A different perspective, and one that will possibly get my post removed.
My advice is Don't listen to anybody on MeFi about this. So many factors are involved here, that we can't possibly know what's best for you in a situation like this.
So far, you've gotten radically different advice: keep the baby, lose the husband, get an abortion, opt for adoption, America sucks (?!). With the exception of that last one, you're going to get an endless list of why each option is the best.
MeFi is great for what it's great for, and lots of personal issues are worth querying the hive about. But really, you don't want what amounts to a random sampling of people telling you what they already think without knowing you and your situation.
This is far too important a decision to make without the help of people who know you and care about you. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.
posted by Rykey at 6:05 AM on October 12, 2007 [9 favorites]
My advice is Don't listen to anybody on MeFi about this. So many factors are involved here, that we can't possibly know what's best for you in a situation like this.
So far, you've gotten radically different advice: keep the baby, lose the husband, get an abortion, opt for adoption, America sucks (?!). With the exception of that last one, you're going to get an endless list of why each option is the best.
MeFi is great for what it's great for, and lots of personal issues are worth querying the hive about. But really, you don't want what amounts to a random sampling of people telling you what they already think without knowing you and your situation.
This is far too important a decision to make without the help of people who know you and care about you. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.
posted by Rykey at 6:05 AM on October 12, 2007 [9 favorites]
You sound like you don't have a very good support system around you. Are their organisations around you that can provice non-biased information (in my area we have public health nurses and as well as social supports such as welfare and employment insurance). I am so sorry you are undergoing the physical effects of your pregnancy while having to also cope with this choice. As a datapoint, I had my first child while working part-time and my boyfriend was unemployed and in school. It was tough, but because we were a team we got through it (and now we own our home and are doing fine and expecting baby number four). A lot of my friends in had children in their teens and twenties and it is a struggle but you get through it and things improve financially the older you get. I do have one friend who gave her baby up for adoption when her first marriage was disolving and has since remarried and is thilled with her new baby. She doesn't regret the adoption and thinks it was the best decision she could make at the time.
How did you feel when your husband suggested the adoption? Were you shocked, relieved, upset? The money seems to be the big issue from your post, does it seem unlikely that your husband will find a job in the next seven months? Can you move somewhere with better job prospects? I worked full-time at one job and part-time at another through two of my pregnancies in order to pay the bills, can you find another job?
Please don't rush into any hasty decisions. If you are only four to six weeks along you have a bit of time to make a decision that works for both of you. But right now is the time to be selfish and really think about what YOU want. I have seen several marriages implode over regret of past decisions that one person thought were mutual but really were one person coercing another. Good luck, my thoughts are with you.
posted by saucysault at 6:05 AM on October 12, 2007
How did you feel when your husband suggested the adoption? Were you shocked, relieved, upset? The money seems to be the big issue from your post, does it seem unlikely that your husband will find a job in the next seven months? Can you move somewhere with better job prospects? I worked full-time at one job and part-time at another through two of my pregnancies in order to pay the bills, can you find another job?
Please don't rush into any hasty decisions. If you are only four to six weeks along you have a bit of time to make a decision that works for both of you. But right now is the time to be selfish and really think about what YOU want. I have seen several marriages implode over regret of past decisions that one person thought were mutual but really were one person coercing another. Good luck, my thoughts are with you.
posted by saucysault at 6:05 AM on October 12, 2007
For me it's simple: what do you feel in your heart you should do? If your instinctual, knee-jerk reaction is adoption, then put the baby up for adoption. If it's an abortion, then have an abortion. If it's to have and raise the baby, then have that baby.
I understand what many think: that this is not only your choice, but you can only go so far with that line of reasoning. Whatever decision you make, you have to live with. If you decide to give the baby up for adoption or have an abortion and if you're not 100% behind that decision, if you have the tiniest doubt, then the ramifications of your decision will haunt you forever. And if you decide to have a baby in a difficult situation, then you will have to raise that child.
I have been in your shoes and I understand. There is nothing scarier than realizing that by making a decision, you are, to an extent, controlling another person's fate. I truly, sincerely understand.
I have had three pregnancies, and I have two children. My second pregnancy was before I met my husband, while I was in a relationship that was about to end. He suggested we get married, and I knew, without a doubt, that I would be raising a second child on my own (even if we were married), and that I would not make it, not with my own personal health and life problems. My son had just been diagnosed as autistic, and I knew I couldn't give enough of myself to either child and not end up in the hospital. I had an abortion, and I think about it sometimes, but not as the worst mistake of my life.
I wonder what I could have done to make it happen, and I look at my son, and now my daughter, and I don't have an answer. I love babies, and it would have been nice to have another child, but there was always the chance of having another seizure while driving them to daycare and accidentally killing us all. I had to weigh the odds of successfully raising one (very sensitive) child or running myself ragged and barely supporting but not actually raising a delayed child and a newborn.
It sounds stupid, but with all of the thoughts racing through my mind each time I found out I was pregnant, I always had a set, clear answer ready. All it wanted for was someone to ask the right question.
For my first pregnancy, his father wanted an abortion, but I knew I could not do it at that point in my life. For the second, I felt I needed the abortion to take care of my current child. For the third, both my husband and I were sure of what we wanted to do.
I hope that you're able to make this decision and feel that you've made the right decision afterwards.
posted by mitzyjalapeno at 6:22 AM on October 12, 2007
I understand what many think: that this is not only your choice, but you can only go so far with that line of reasoning. Whatever decision you make, you have to live with. If you decide to give the baby up for adoption or have an abortion and if you're not 100% behind that decision, if you have the tiniest doubt, then the ramifications of your decision will haunt you forever. And if you decide to have a baby in a difficult situation, then you will have to raise that child.
I have been in your shoes and I understand. There is nothing scarier than realizing that by making a decision, you are, to an extent, controlling another person's fate. I truly, sincerely understand.
I have had three pregnancies, and I have two children. My second pregnancy was before I met my husband, while I was in a relationship that was about to end. He suggested we get married, and I knew, without a doubt, that I would be raising a second child on my own (even if we were married), and that I would not make it, not with my own personal health and life problems. My son had just been diagnosed as autistic, and I knew I couldn't give enough of myself to either child and not end up in the hospital. I had an abortion, and I think about it sometimes, but not as the worst mistake of my life.
I wonder what I could have done to make it happen, and I look at my son, and now my daughter, and I don't have an answer. I love babies, and it would have been nice to have another child, but there was always the chance of having another seizure while driving them to daycare and accidentally killing us all. I had to weigh the odds of successfully raising one (very sensitive) child or running myself ragged and barely supporting but not actually raising a delayed child and a newborn.
It sounds stupid, but with all of the thoughts racing through my mind each time I found out I was pregnant, I always had a set, clear answer ready. All it wanted for was someone to ask the right question.
For my first pregnancy, his father wanted an abortion, but I knew I could not do it at that point in my life. For the second, I felt I needed the abortion to take care of my current child. For the third, both my husband and I were sure of what we wanted to do.
I hope that you're able to make this decision and feel that you've made the right decision afterwards.
posted by mitzyjalapeno at 6:22 AM on October 12, 2007
I have nothing to add beoyng that 9 month can be enough time to find a job and 'grow up'. I've seen several people, who I would classed as very immature, step up to the responsibilities of parenthood in a matter of months once the reality of the situation had set in.
Good luck.
posted by slimepuppy at 6:25 AM on October 12, 2007
Good luck.
posted by slimepuppy at 6:25 AM on October 12, 2007
Best answer: My wife and I had two children while I was in grad school. She didn't work, and stayed home with the kids. I worked extra jobs to supplement my meager TA stipend, and she eventually watched our landlord's kids a few days a week. We were on Medicaid and got assistance from WIC, which was hated but necessary.
Looking back, although we never considered it, I can't imagine not having my children with us. There were many more hard times (leaving grad school after six long years and eventually moving in with my in laws, working at a mall store as my primary income, etc...). It all worked out, and we look back and remember fondly the hard times that got us where we are today. Cliche maybe, but true.
Don't give your baby up because of expected financial troubles. There is plenty of help out there, and if you swallow your pride and accept it, you will get through the rough times. I'm sure your husband is freaking out about this (I still have moments of "How are we going to do this?" with college tuitions, little retirement planning etc...) but I have seen time and time again that it was difficult but worth it to keep the family togather however I needed to do it.
Be strong. Do what you know is right. You don't have to be a millionaire to be a great parent.
posted by genefinder at 6:25 AM on October 12, 2007 [1 favorite]
Looking back, although we never considered it, I can't imagine not having my children with us. There were many more hard times (leaving grad school after six long years and eventually moving in with my in laws, working at a mall store as my primary income, etc...). It all worked out, and we look back and remember fondly the hard times that got us where we are today. Cliche maybe, but true.
Don't give your baby up because of expected financial troubles. There is plenty of help out there, and if you swallow your pride and accept it, you will get through the rough times. I'm sure your husband is freaking out about this (I still have moments of "How are we going to do this?" with college tuitions, little retirement planning etc...) but I have seen time and time again that it was difficult but worth it to keep the family togather however I needed to do it.
Be strong. Do what you know is right. You don't have to be a millionaire to be a great parent.
posted by genefinder at 6:25 AM on October 12, 2007 [1 favorite]
As for keeping the kid, if you husband still had his job, would you want to keep it? Money and jobs can come and go, but love and strong family easily trumps being poor.
Brandon Blatcher makes an excellent point. What do you want? Having a baby is scary and really there is no perfect time to have a child. I don’t want to give my personal take on this but would like to suggest you consider YOUR feelings.
Job and husband aside…what do you want? This is a hell of decision to make (life impacting no matter what the decision is) but it really comes down to what do you want.
Good Luck and Best Wishes!
posted by doorsfan at 6:27 AM on October 12, 2007
Brandon Blatcher makes an excellent point. What do you want? Having a baby is scary and really there is no perfect time to have a child. I don’t want to give my personal take on this but would like to suggest you consider YOUR feelings.
Job and husband aside…what do you want? This is a hell of decision to make (life impacting no matter what the decision is) but it really comes down to what do you want.
Good Luck and Best Wishes!
posted by doorsfan at 6:27 AM on October 12, 2007
You need to talk to your husband more, not random strangers on the Internet. This, dump your husband keep the baby talk is nice and all, but I don't think it's that helpful. Chances are your husband is scared about the situation you are all in.
If you want to keep the baby, you just need to make him aware of that. You shouldn't feel forced into doing something you don't want to do. As others have pointed out, lots of people have babies who aren't ready. Only you know if your husband is freaking out, or is truly going to be a horrible father.
As for money, your husband has 9 months to find a job. Is that insurmountable?
posted by chunking express at 6:40 AM on October 12, 2007
If you want to keep the baby, you just need to make him aware of that. You shouldn't feel forced into doing something you don't want to do. As others have pointed out, lots of people have babies who aren't ready. Only you know if your husband is freaking out, or is truly going to be a horrible father.
As for money, your husband has 9 months to find a job. Is that insurmountable?
posted by chunking express at 6:40 AM on October 12, 2007
What do you want? Do you want to keep the baby? It is hard to advise you without knowing the answer to that question.
posted by LarryC at 7:09 AM on October 12, 2007
posted by LarryC at 7:09 AM on October 12, 2007
There's no "we" in pregnant. Your husband can walk out at any point, and you will still be pregnant.
I have 3 different perspectives.
I know of a couple who were about to get married. They found out she was pregnant. They wanted a wedding. They gave up the baby for adoption and went on to have their wedding. It sounds harsh, but they're happily married and have several children - grown now. I don't know if those children know they have a sibling out there somewhere. So...it can work.
My parents were older (before abortion was legal) when my mother found out she was pregnant. They couldn't afford the kids they had. Then they had me. It destroyed them both, more or less. They should never have had ANY children. All of my siblings agree with that.
My husband lost his job when I was pregnant. It was too late to turn back. I thought I was going down my parents' road. Our daughter was born. We've never regretted having her. I was the one who wasn't ready, by the way. My husband got a new job a short time later.
Life is ALWAYS a struggle. Every situation is different. You cannot predict the future. Which option will you regret the least? Will you love this child if it is born? Will you long for it every day if you give it up? Will you resent your husband? You need to assess your own feelings. Having a child nobody wants is the worst of all options. Don't do that.
posted by clarkstonian at 7:33 AM on October 12, 2007
I have 3 different perspectives.
I know of a couple who were about to get married. They found out she was pregnant. They wanted a wedding. They gave up the baby for adoption and went on to have their wedding. It sounds harsh, but they're happily married and have several children - grown now. I don't know if those children know they have a sibling out there somewhere. So...it can work.
My parents were older (before abortion was legal) when my mother found out she was pregnant. They couldn't afford the kids they had. Then they had me. It destroyed them both, more or less. They should never have had ANY children. All of my siblings agree with that.
My husband lost his job when I was pregnant. It was too late to turn back. I thought I was going down my parents' road. Our daughter was born. We've never regretted having her. I was the one who wasn't ready, by the way. My husband got a new job a short time later.
Life is ALWAYS a struggle. Every situation is different. You cannot predict the future. Which option will you regret the least? Will you love this child if it is born? Will you long for it every day if you give it up? Will you resent your husband? You need to assess your own feelings. Having a child nobody wants is the worst of all options. Don't do that.
posted by clarkstonian at 7:33 AM on October 12, 2007
Another option to consider - the information you provide doesn't indicate if this would work or not - once your baby is born you could go back to work and he could look after the baby...
In any case there are several months to go so he should be able to find work of some kind long before the baby is due...
Disagree with the people suggesting you should consider the financial obligation he finds himself in if you decide to keep the baby and lose the husband...your concern has to be if you can live with the consequences of whatever decision you make. He entered financial commitments to you and any children you might have when he married you.
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:50 AM on October 12, 2007
In any case there are several months to go so he should be able to find work of some kind long before the baby is due...
Disagree with the people suggesting you should consider the financial obligation he finds himself in if you decide to keep the baby and lose the husband...your concern has to be if you can live with the consequences of whatever decision you make. He entered financial commitments to you and any children you might have when he married you.
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:50 AM on October 12, 2007
I'm adopted, and from my perspective it worked out great (also, I know a bunch of adopted kids, and none of them mind having been put up for adoption). Just giving you the potential kid's perspective.
posted by drezdn at 7:57 AM on October 12, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by drezdn at 7:57 AM on October 12, 2007 [1 favorite]
PLEASE please get counseling so you can figure out what YOU really want to do in your heart of hearts. There is no objectively right or wrong answer here, but the only thing that will be right for YOU is to figure out what IS right for you do and do it. Whether adoption, abortion, or keeping the baby is what's best for you is an answer probably already inside you, you just need to access that answer and be true to it. There are no bad options, but it is a difficult choice. Best of Luck.
posted by Lylo at 8:16 AM on October 12, 2007
posted by Lylo at 8:16 AM on October 12, 2007
Best answer: Right now that baby doesn't seem real.
The minute it is born he or she will be very real and the thought of being separated from your baby will rip your heart out.
Please examine your other options first. Get counseling, and find out what assistance is available as well. Because something like this could totally kill your marriage if you turn out resenting your husband for the adoption. And no matter how you feel now, that is a very very real possibility.
posted by konolia at 8:28 AM on October 12, 2007 [1 favorite]
The minute it is born he or she will be very real and the thought of being separated from your baby will rip your heart out.
Please examine your other options first. Get counseling, and find out what assistance is available as well. Because something like this could totally kill your marriage if you turn out resenting your husband for the adoption. And no matter how you feel now, that is a very very real possibility.
posted by konolia at 8:28 AM on October 12, 2007 [1 favorite]
And btw I had my children when we were pretty broke as well. So I know about financial stress.
But I would have rather died rather than give up any of those kids.
posted by konolia at 8:30 AM on October 12, 2007
But I would have rather died rather than give up any of those kids.
posted by konolia at 8:30 AM on October 12, 2007
I have never been in your position (pregnant and my husband not wanting the baby) so I can't answer your question from experience. My answer speaks more to the issue of the difficulty of having a child under your circumstances.
I don't know if this will help you but coming from someone who is pro-choice and has a couple of kids, I can tell you that there was no easy time for me to have had any of my children and I never regretted having them. There are surely better and worse times but based on my own experience, the primary consideration in having my children was wanting them when they happened to come along.
If you want to keep your baby then you should not be pressured by anyone, including your husband, to do anything different. It must be frightening for you to imagine having a baby without the support of your husband but you have as much right to make this decision as he does, perhaps more.
posted by bluesky43 at 8:47 AM on October 12, 2007
I don't know if this will help you but coming from someone who is pro-choice and has a couple of kids, I can tell you that there was no easy time for me to have had any of my children and I never regretted having them. There are surely better and worse times but based on my own experience, the primary consideration in having my children was wanting them when they happened to come along.
If you want to keep your baby then you should not be pressured by anyone, including your husband, to do anything different. It must be frightening for you to imagine having a baby without the support of your husband but you have as much right to make this decision as he does, perhaps more.
posted by bluesky43 at 8:47 AM on October 12, 2007
...but having recently read Ann Fessler's The Girls Who Went Away, I can't imagine how anyone goes through with either option without suffering some real damage.
I have heard women Ann interviewed speak about their experiences giving up their babies. In most cases in the 1950s and 1960s this decision was not the mother's but foisted upon them by family members and society. And listening to them speak was a heart-wrenching experience.
So, given that, I am concerned that you not be forced to do something you don't want to do. And that's why it's important, for the moment, to really look into yourself on this one. And, of course, there is no easy answer --it's different for each of us. But I would start there.
As to the issue of being ready to be a parent, I would agree with those who have said that you never can be ready. And even after having children, new issues will come up for which you are totally unprepared (even after they've grown and left home!). That's life.
While I don't know you or your husband, I would also like to add that the issue you are going through can also be an opportunity, an opportunity to really talk about your lives, your hopes, and your fears. I'm sure your husband is really scared at the moment. And it would be great for you two as a couple to discuss these things.
If, after all of this, you decide adoption is the best way, there will be one grateful family waiting for that child. I'm the parent of two adopted children. And I thank their birthparents often for making the difficult decision they had to make.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 9:00 AM on October 12, 2007
I have heard women Ann interviewed speak about their experiences giving up their babies. In most cases in the 1950s and 1960s this decision was not the mother's but foisted upon them by family members and society. And listening to them speak was a heart-wrenching experience.
So, given that, I am concerned that you not be forced to do something you don't want to do. And that's why it's important, for the moment, to really look into yourself on this one. And, of course, there is no easy answer --it's different for each of us. But I would start there.
As to the issue of being ready to be a parent, I would agree with those who have said that you never can be ready. And even after having children, new issues will come up for which you are totally unprepared (even after they've grown and left home!). That's life.
While I don't know you or your husband, I would also like to add that the issue you are going through can also be an opportunity, an opportunity to really talk about your lives, your hopes, and your fears. I'm sure your husband is really scared at the moment. And it would be great for you two as a couple to discuss these things.
If, after all of this, you decide adoption is the best way, there will be one grateful family waiting for that child. I'm the parent of two adopted children. And I thank their birthparents often for making the difficult decision they had to make.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 9:00 AM on October 12, 2007
Best answer: I have a friend who was adopted soon after birth. When she was in her early 20s, her birth family came looking for her. They were basically in the situation you're in: young married couple who gave up their baby for adoption. They had stayed together and gone on to have three more kids.
It was really devastating to my friend for about ten years: she had had this picture in her mind of, you know, a single mom making this brave decision, not people who were married and decided that raising a baby was too much of a hassle (I'm not saying that's what you're doing, just that that was her perception.)
It was extremely weird for her for a long time. She's semi close to her birth family now, but it was a difficult situation, and she still says that it would have been easier to deal with if she had found out that her birth mom was an unwed teenager or similar. And I know that her birth family still really struggles with the fact that their daughter doesn't really consider herself their daughter, and that she'll never think of them as "Mom and Dad".
Other people have said this here, but: you're never ready for a baby. And people manage. Your husband sounds like he might be doing that male thing where his sense of stability is so strongly tied to his ability to provide that now he's panicking.
If you don't want to give up your baby, though, don't do. You'll find a way to deal with it. Moms are pretty amazing people.
Best of luck to you.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 9:27 AM on October 12, 2007
It was really devastating to my friend for about ten years: she had had this picture in her mind of, you know, a single mom making this brave decision, not people who were married and decided that raising a baby was too much of a hassle (I'm not saying that's what you're doing, just that that was her perception.)
It was extremely weird for her for a long time. She's semi close to her birth family now, but it was a difficult situation, and she still says that it would have been easier to deal with if she had found out that her birth mom was an unwed teenager or similar. And I know that her birth family still really struggles with the fact that their daughter doesn't really consider herself their daughter, and that she'll never think of them as "Mom and Dad".
Other people have said this here, but: you're never ready for a baby. And people manage. Your husband sounds like he might be doing that male thing where his sense of stability is so strongly tied to his ability to provide that now he's panicking.
If you don't want to give up your baby, though, don't do. You'll find a way to deal with it. Moms are pretty amazing people.
Best of luck to you.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 9:27 AM on October 12, 2007
Best answer: I have to agree with everyone who says that the financial aspect will change. I had just moved in with my then boyfriend, who lived in a trailer, in March and two weeks later I was pregnant. We didn't even have a car at the time, just a motorcycle. Our son was born prematurely, in early November and since we had no resources, we had to fall back on state aid to pay for his considerable medical costs. We got married the subsequent September, when he was 10 months old, so he was at our wedding. We still didn't have the financial resources to have another child seven years later when I became pregnant with our daughter, but we went ahead. We also had no family that we dared to fall back on during either birth, for various reasons. But do you know what? It worked out. It always does. Both children grew up just fine, happy and healthy and we are still together, nearly 35 years later. My advice to you is, don't make any decisions without taking all aspects of your situation into account. If you love your husband, stay with him and try to figure out how to work out the financial aspects. If you want to keep your child, keep your child and proceed with your new life as a mother, with or without him.
Whatever you do, I wish you every kind of luck and success.
posted by Lynsey at 9:43 AM on October 12, 2007
Whatever you do, I wish you every kind of luck and success.
posted by Lynsey at 9:43 AM on October 12, 2007
I disagree with almost all the responses here, except for AV's.
1) Your husband.
This is your pregnancy. This is, effectively, your baby. But he is your husband and the baby's father. If you love him, he should have a say. He's not just a sperm-donor, as other posters seem to be treating him. He's a living, breathing person who will be as seriously emotionally and financially affected by this decision as you will, if not physically. Sit and talk with him. Figure out if it's the finances that are getting him down, whether he feels he's not mature, what. And you guys are married! Are you really so willing to give him up because you MUST HAVE A CHILD NOOOOOOW.
2) Finances
For every "poor but my parents loved me" story there are probably two or three "Boy it sure would have been better if their finances were in order". Having a child--even being pregnant--is a tremendous financial expense and it takes a couple that is totally committed to the pregnancy and dealing with the debt that follows and the continuing expenses of having a kid. I've worked in a poor urban area. There are many, many parents there whose lives are completely upturned because they had a baby they couldn't afford. And it's no cakewalk for the kid, living in a family stressed out by finances, who can't afford clothes for school, goes to bed hungry, all that horrible shit.
You have already said your husband is not on board here. That's a recipe for bitterness--and do you really want your kid to grow up knowing Daddy didn't like them? God forbid you actually stay in the marriage if you want to keep the child.
3) Adoption or Abortion?
I would kind of go for abortion here. Babies--especially born babies--can elicit tremendous maternal responses from the mom that could be really, really hard to deal with at the end of the pregnancy. Abortion would be less costly physically, financially, and probably emotionally.
posted by Anonymous at 10:09 AM on October 12, 2007
1) Your husband.
This is your pregnancy. This is, effectively, your baby. But he is your husband and the baby's father. If you love him, he should have a say. He's not just a sperm-donor, as other posters seem to be treating him. He's a living, breathing person who will be as seriously emotionally and financially affected by this decision as you will, if not physically. Sit and talk with him. Figure out if it's the finances that are getting him down, whether he feels he's not mature, what. And you guys are married! Are you really so willing to give him up because you MUST HAVE A CHILD NOOOOOOW.
2) Finances
For every "poor but my parents loved me" story there are probably two or three "Boy it sure would have been better if their finances were in order". Having a child--even being pregnant--is a tremendous financial expense and it takes a couple that is totally committed to the pregnancy and dealing with the debt that follows and the continuing expenses of having a kid. I've worked in a poor urban area. There are many, many parents there whose lives are completely upturned because they had a baby they couldn't afford. And it's no cakewalk for the kid, living in a family stressed out by finances, who can't afford clothes for school, goes to bed hungry, all that horrible shit.
You have already said your husband is not on board here. That's a recipe for bitterness--and do you really want your kid to grow up knowing Daddy didn't like them? God forbid you actually stay in the marriage if you want to keep the child.
3) Adoption or Abortion?
I would kind of go for abortion here. Babies--especially born babies--can elicit tremendous maternal responses from the mom that could be really, really hard to deal with at the end of the pregnancy. Abortion would be less costly physically, financially, and probably emotionally.
posted by Anonymous at 10:09 AM on October 12, 2007
As mentioned many times, talk to your husband and find out if the financial aspect is his only hesitation in having the child. If he truly is not ready to be a dad, contrary to anecdotal evidence and Lifetime movies, seeing that pudgy little face in the delivery room isn't necessarily going to change his mind. Did you two talk about having children prior to this? Prior to getting married? What was the concensus? No, we don't want kids, Yes, we want kids, but not for another five years or so, etc. To be honest, babies change the family dynamic in huge ways, and you two have only been married for a year. Maybe he's not ready to share you yet?
Of course, ultimately it's your body, your choice. Good luck with whatever you choose.
posted by Oriole Adams at 10:10 AM on October 12, 2007
Of course, ultimately it's your body, your choice. Good luck with whatever you choose.
posted by Oriole Adams at 10:10 AM on October 12, 2007
If you truly cannot see yourself raising this baby for whatever reason please DO go thru with adoption.
That child's life outranks any emotions you might have at any point in time. And I say that even though I KNOW how tough emotionally it would be. Any regrets you would have at least would not be compounded by worse ones. Not to mention that there are ALWAYS people out there who would take your baby.
Speaking of which-do you have any relatives who could help you out, or even care for this baby temporarily if it came to that?
posted by konolia at 12:38 PM on October 12, 2007
That child's life outranks any emotions you might have at any point in time. And I say that even though I KNOW how tough emotionally it would be. Any regrets you would have at least would not be compounded by worse ones. Not to mention that there are ALWAYS people out there who would take your baby.
Speaking of which-do you have any relatives who could help you out, or even care for this baby temporarily if it came to that?
posted by konolia at 12:38 PM on October 12, 2007
Best answer: Let your husband talk about his feelings-- he's feeling a lot of pressure and responsibility. His suggesting adoption is a sign that he feels overwhelmed and wants to take away this "element" -- this new pregnancy that's raising the stakes so drastically. It's his reflex to want to fix things, and he needs to consider various solutions. But he also needs to be able to vent about whatever guilt, fear, and other bad things he's feeling.
It would be nice if you could have a similar chance to vent, as well. Once he voices his anxiety, he'll probably be a lot more open to listening to your side.
posted by wryly at 1:28 PM on October 12, 2007
It would be nice if you could have a similar chance to vent, as well. Once he voices his anxiety, he'll probably be a lot more open to listening to your side.
posted by wryly at 1:28 PM on October 12, 2007
konolia, your comments are awesome. Seconded bigtime.
posted by JaySunSee at 3:02 PM on October 12, 2007
posted by JaySunSee at 3:02 PM on October 12, 2007
It sounds like you'd like to hear from some birthmothers themselves. As a prospective adoptive parent, I've been grateful to discovere that there are so many women (and a few men) out there blogging about this most personal of decisions. Everyone's got remarkably different experiences and perspective to share. Reading a few might raise some questions fort you and your husband that wouldn't immediately think of on your own. It's a good way to gain insights into what others have considered in reaching their decision, whether they have regrets, how adoption has affected their family life, and what their evolving relationship (or not) has become with the child and his/her parents.
Here are a few samples.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 3:08 PM on October 12, 2007
Here are a few samples.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 3:08 PM on October 12, 2007
That child's life outranks any emotions you might have at any point in time. And I say that even though I KNOW how tough emotionally it would be. Any regrets you would have at least would not be compounded by worse ones.
Konolia, neither you nor I nor anyone else is in a position to tell the poster what kind of regrets she will or won't have, and what sort of regrets from two kinds of difficult decisions are worse. And the poster may have her own feelings on the "life" question, so please keep that out of it.
Snoogy, any and all of these possible routes and decisions may be very hard. But you can't see into the future. The various happy and sad endings folks have written about here aren't going to give you an answer, because you don't know how your story will end. Or how it would end if you made different choices. That's part of why this is so tough: all you can do is make the best decision you can, based on what you know and have and want right now.
I'm seconding and thirding all the advice to spend some time with yourself, a trusted friend, or a counselor to assess what the various elements of the situation are, what your options are, how to communicate with your partner, and how to make the decision that will be best for you.
posted by foxy_hedgehog at 5:01 PM on October 12, 2007
Konolia, neither you nor I nor anyone else is in a position to tell the poster what kind of regrets she will or won't have, and what sort of regrets from two kinds of difficult decisions are worse. And the poster may have her own feelings on the "life" question, so please keep that out of it.
Snoogy, any and all of these possible routes and decisions may be very hard. But you can't see into the future. The various happy and sad endings folks have written about here aren't going to give you an answer, because you don't know how your story will end. Or how it would end if you made different choices. That's part of why this is so tough: all you can do is make the best decision you can, based on what you know and have and want right now.
I'm seconding and thirding all the advice to spend some time with yourself, a trusted friend, or a counselor to assess what the various elements of the situation are, what your options are, how to communicate with your partner, and how to make the decision that will be best for you.
posted by foxy_hedgehog at 5:01 PM on October 12, 2007
It must have been a difficult thing for your husband to say to you that he was not ready for a child, and an equally difficult thing for you to hear. I'm sorry that in addition to the stress you must be feeling over the loss of your husband's job, you have a heavy thought like this in your head.
I don't know that this is a decision that will become any clearer by hearing a concensus view or all the varying experiences people here have had. I seriously doubt that my comment here is going to crystallize anything at all for you, as well. Ultimately it comes down to what you and your husband want, and are ready to take on. Have you talked to him more about this? Do you know where your husband stands, in general, about having children in the future? This is a huge topic and two married people need to be in agreement about the basics of procreation. it kinda sounds like that hasn't happened over the last year. Bad enough that this is coming as an unwelcome suprise now; would you want to relive this more than once?
You and your husband need to have a heart to heart talk, immediately. Both of you need to be honest about what you are worrying about and what your expectations are for the future of your marriage and family, if there is to be one. Nobody here can do that for you.
Good luck.
posted by brain cloud at 5:09 PM on October 12, 2007
I don't know that this is a decision that will become any clearer by hearing a concensus view or all the varying experiences people here have had. I seriously doubt that my comment here is going to crystallize anything at all for you, as well. Ultimately it comes down to what you and your husband want, and are ready to take on. Have you talked to him more about this? Do you know where your husband stands, in general, about having children in the future? This is a huge topic and two married people need to be in agreement about the basics of procreation. it kinda sounds like that hasn't happened over the last year. Bad enough that this is coming as an unwelcome suprise now; would you want to relive this more than once?
You and your husband need to have a heart to heart talk, immediately. Both of you need to be honest about what you are worrying about and what your expectations are for the future of your marriage and family, if there is to be one. Nobody here can do that for you.
Good luck.
posted by brain cloud at 5:09 PM on October 12, 2007
My best friend is adopted, and in the last couple of years (in her thirties), she connected with the original agency who connected her with her birth mother. They hit it off and are great friends now. They live less than a quarter mile from each other and see each other every day.
My point is that if you decide adoption is the smartest course right now, it doesn't necessarily mean that you will "lose" this person. There is a possibility of developing a relationship later on down the line, when conditions are more optimal.
posted by tejolote at 9:01 PM on October 12, 2007
My point is that if you decide adoption is the smartest course right now, it doesn't necessarily mean that you will "lose" this person. There is a possibility of developing a relationship later on down the line, when conditions are more optimal.
posted by tejolote at 9:01 PM on October 12, 2007
I think there is a big difference between your husband not being "ready" and not wanting to have a child right now (or at all). If he is not ready, well, nine months is coincidentally exactly the amount of time to get ready. If he doesn't want to, then I think you do need to take his wishes into account to some degree, and see if there is some way to reconcile his desires with yours.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:03 AM on October 13, 2007
posted by Rock Steady at 10:03 AM on October 13, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by amtho at 10:27 PM on October 11, 2007