relationship 101: why the hell did it end that way?

September 15, 2007 12:22 PM

Help me understand and learn from a breakup that doesn't make much sense.

I've been dumped, and even after giving it much thought, it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. It was a young relationship (about 3 months) and I thought everything was going well. It wasn't exactly fireworks all the time, but I was excited and happy to be with him, and I thought the same was true for him, until he started being a little distant and then dumped me. It's obvious to me now that I was ignoring little signals that things weren't great in the last weeks(him being gradually less excited to greet me, conversation sometimes feeling a little flat) but there were no issues. He said we just weren't getting that close, and that we never would, and that his experience taught him it's better to end something that doesn't feel really comfortable instead of drawing it out and hoping its a phase. I thought that we had potential, that we could have been very close with more time, but given that I was pretty inexperienced and he has had several relationships, I wasn't in a hurry or expecting more than enjoying each other (and I don't mean this was a relationship that was only based on sex, or that we didn't communicate). We had a ton in common at the start but it just didn't go anywhere, and I don't get why.
Questions:
1) Does this sound like simple cold feet/commitment phobia on his part? (not that I even asked for commitment of any kind!) One of my friends thinks so, but I think there's more to it than that...but he did say he felt tense around me a lot near the end, and I didn't do anything to cause it.
2) What's reasonable to expect out of a new relationship? Is it really better to bail if it's good but not mind-blowing at the start, or is there something to be said for letting things develop slowly?
3) What can I take from this? I was as open, honest, undemanding and giving as possible, so do I just have bad instincts from a lack of experience? Does it really happen all the time that two people who click like magic at first fail to make something deeper despite best efforts?

I'm female, early 20s, and way behind the curve for my age for relationship stuff despite being smart otherwise, so help me not feel so stupid about this. Sorry if this is chatfilter, throwaway Gmail is [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total)

I would look at the push-pull mechanics. If you're 100% certain there's absolutely nobody pulling him away (i.e. a new fling, new prospects) you should see what's pushing him away. This might be your life experiences being significantly different, different religious views, you holding back sex, or you putting pressure on him. It's also possible he's dealing with his own issues, like insecurity or fear of being trapped in something equating to marriage. It's hard to tell though as you haven't given us much detail.
posted by hodyoaten at 12:34 PM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

Well, he decided after a little while that he wasn't that into you. That's the hard truth. No doubt he had his reasons, but he didn't want to get into long discussions. "Commitment phobia" sounds like rationalisation after the event, especially since the relationship was so short and you are young. He bailed, and you just have to live with it. Don't blame yourself, it happens. Not everyone wants or needs what each of us has to give, but someone does.
posted by londongeezer at 12:35 PM on September 15, 2007 [3 favorites]

A) stop overthinking this.

It has to do with chemistry. The fireworks died for him too quickly and he lost interest. The real foundations of a relationship were not layed down before the fireworks died out. That can happen for a lot of reasons but it sounds like he just became less into you even though you felt otherwise.

It's tough, and it's hard, but you're looking for answers to the wrong questions. It didn't go anywhere because it just didn't. These things happen.

And stop saying that you're way behind the curve for your age for relationships. Anyone who claims to be experienced and "mature in relationshps" for a 20 year old is just someone who wants to sleep around and ignore the little pains of self-doubt that some might call a conscious that is bugging them.
posted by Stynxno at 12:38 PM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

1) Guys will make mistakes by ending a relationship too quickly, but guys will also do whatever they can to end a relationship if it's one they don't want. If it's cold feet he might not mind you calling him in a month. If nothing else, he might be more forthcoming then as to why he broke up, but if he's still adamant then leave it and him alone. Ignore what your friends think, but you might be able to glean information from one of his friends.
2) What does reason have to do with relationships? Very little, very often.
3) Take what you will, but be aware that communication is important, and it takes a breakdown in communication in just one of the two of you for it not to work. Move on, you've got some momentum that would most likely be lost by dwelling too much on him.
posted by furtive at 12:48 PM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

Ugh, I'm sorry. You have nothing to feel stupid about. This is a perfectly normal way to feel after a breakup, especially if you're inexperienced and/or you haven't dated in a while. It sucks, and it feels completely unfair.

2.) From personal experience, I've tried to "let feelings develop slowly" when they weren't mind-blowing in the first place, and I've always regretted it, wishing I had had the decency to break up with the guy when I first realized there was a problem. Trust me, it would have been much more agonizing for both of you in the long run if he just let his feelings of doubt and tension slowly strangle the relationship for a year or more.
3.) It sounds like you were a great girlfriend, but being a good partner doesn't mean that you're necessarily the right partner for the person in question. It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you or the way you approach relationships. You'll meet guys in the future who will think that everything about you is nothing short of perfect.

I really hope you feel better soon.
posted by arianell at 12:52 PM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

Does it really happen all the time that two people who click like magic at first fail to make something deeper despite best efforts?

Yes, it really does, or we would all be married to the first person we ever went on a date with. I wouldn't dwell too much on this one. Sometimes things just don't work out, and while analyzing it might make you feel better, I prefer to just let the mystery live. Because it's either that, or bitterness- once you start pegging the people who don't want to be with you as having "issues", it's all downhill from there. You will drive yourself crazy if you think about this too much, and what's funny is that it's not going to matter at all in your relationship with the next guy, because he'll be a completely different person. I would ignore any advice in this thread that suggests that you may have done X, Y, or Z to make this guy leave, because it's probably wrong and even if it's right, so what? Changing your actions next time in an attempt to try to prevent what happened last time will do no good- you'll break up with the next guy for completely different reasons. Continue to date guys you are interested in; limit your actions to those that you can feel proud of no matter what happens.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:53 PM on September 15, 2007 [7 favorites]

A different "A) stop overthinking this."

He probably thought he wanted to be with you and then decided otherwise for whatever reason. That's it.

This is real life, and as somebody or other has noted, the difference between reality and fiction is that fiction has to make sense.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:55 PM on September 15, 2007 [4 favorites]

The things that hold people together past that initial rush are irriational and strange and hard to admit to one's self and others. I would say with 99% certainty that it's not commitment phobia - that's an excuse that us men use when we want to get away from something (in my opinion and experience.)

Much of the time it's just simple chemistry. The kinds of stuff you can't tell about a person until you're a few weeks in.

If it bugs you, confront him about it. Maybe he'll be honest. Maybe it's something you can fix. But don't worry about it - you're young, there'll be a lot more coming along that will be "fireworks all the time." Trust me.
posted by milinar at 12:55 PM on September 15, 2007

I firmly disagree with the suggestion that you ask about what went wrong and attempt to "fix" it. The same traits that caused one person to leave might draw another person in. Don't conform to the standards set by a man who just dumped you. Be yourself. All you can do is continue to be honest and open and find someone who is the same. Some people click together, some don't. You'll have more success in relationships if you're confident in who you are and what you want. When it doesn't work, there's usually not a good reason. Just dust yourself off, take some time to hang out with your friends and recover, and then dive back in the game.
posted by Help, I can't stop talking! at 1:06 PM on September 15, 2007 [3 favorites]

3) What can I take from this?

Be happy and grateful for the three months that you got to spend with this particular person, and look forward to meeting new, equally interesting guys with whom you will get to experience part of your life.
posted by Squee at 1:25 PM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

Frankly, this makes a ton of sense to me. He didn't like you as much as you liked him. Tough but true. I'd guess that the more he got to know you, the more he understood that you weren't for him. Everyone's been there, more or less.

I am certain, however, that there is somebody out there who will like you at somewhere close to (above or below) the level you like him. That's where it goes long term.

The lesson to learn is that sometimes we like others more than they like us.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:33 PM on September 15, 2007 [6 favorites]

I'm gonna second arianell. If you don't feel it, chances are, you're not going to. "You can't make a heart love somebody" as the song goes. I say be glad he didn't string you along and move on. Don't go back and ask the dude questions. A. This seems stalker-ish and B. Who says it was your fault anyway? :) Move on to the next!
posted by CwgrlUp at 1:45 PM on September 15, 2007

I wouldn't sit around worrying about what you did wrong. Things like this generally aren't rational or preventable. I've certainly met/dated people who are attractive, nice, funny, smart, etc, but for some reason I can't really articulate I just wasn't that into them. It isn't their fault, I can't even really tell you why, but what ever it is, it wasn't there and it never is going to be. Feelings and love are not rational or logical, by and large. So don't pick yourself and your actions apart, just move on and find someone else that you do click with.
posted by whoaali at 1:49 PM on September 15, 2007

I think the rationale for asking the guy what's up is that maybe it's something bugging him that he doesn't want to admit. If it's something minor but important to him, then maybe it's worth finding out.

I've been on both sides of situations where this was true and it helped to be honest.

Don't change for someone, but there's no harm in seeing a situation clearly, even if just in hindsight.
posted by milinar at 1:53 PM on September 15, 2007

You didn't do anything wrong, and neither did he. You two clicked, there were the wonderful new-relationship fireworks, and then when those faded into everyday life, he realized that the relationship wasn't for him. He gave it a week to think about it (which seems an appropriate amount of time for a three month relationship) and then he ended it.

Yeah, it sucks. And yeah, it hurts. But all of this is perfectly normal. There's nothing wrong with you or him, and nothing to be gained in calling him up. He probably can't articulate why it wasn't working for him.

At some point in the future, you will be the dumper instead of the dumpee, and you will probably leave behind you a disappointed and mystified ex. And then you will know exactly how your ex is feeling right now.

Good luck to you.
posted by happyturtle at 2:03 PM on September 15, 2007

He said we just weren't getting that close, and that we never would, and that his experience taught him it's better to end something that doesn't feel really comfortable instead of drawing it out and hoping its a phase.

This is great, you know? When you've been in enough relationships, and you're a stable person, you start noticing that you're not compatible with everyone you date (not because either of you is a bad person, just because of the odds) and so you learn when something's not working -- and you also learn that usually when you try to force it, it still keeps right on not working.

Mind you, I say this as a guy who never did what this guy did to you, but should have, many times. When I met the girl I ended up marrying, I *totally* knew I'd end up marrying her within the first three months (something I didn't expect would happen.)

So hooray for this guy not wasting your time, and since he's a guy, go ahead and take him at face value. It wasn't clicking, and he called it off before someone got pissed or broke a trust or did any of those things that people do when they're in an incompatible relationship. Hook him up with a more-compatible friend of yours, and ask him to do the same for you.
posted by davejay at 2:07 PM on September 15, 2007 [3 favorites]

What can I take from this?

Take this as a challenge to deal with it without becoming bitter, angry, deeply hurt, etc. Because odds are, there is another break-up waiting for you in the future, and if you learn to deal with this one in a good way, the next one won't feel as bad, and you can keep truckin' right along.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:34 PM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

Echoing everyone above, you did not do anything wrong. It took me a long time to figure this out, but relationships are really about fit. For him, the fit didn't feel right. That's fine. It actually doesn't say anything negative about you...we don't fit with everyone we try to date. I think this is the best possible circumstance in that he was honest with you and didn't string you along at all, and you now are able to move forward.

What you can take from this is that it always takes two people to make a relationship work. Both people have to feel good about it and want it. You mention not having much relationship experience, and I suspect that in the future you will be the one to feel that a relationship isn't right and bow out gracefully. I know it hurts, and it is hard, but there are so many experiences awaiting you in life, good and bad. I second Cool Papa Bell and encourage you to appreciate the experience as a positive one, overall, and be thankful to have learned something. It is difficult when you are hurting, but, like many things, you'll look back and be thankful for unanswered prayers. Don't give up - dating is fun, and you have great times ahead of you!
posted by frumious bandersnatch at 2:53 PM on September 15, 2007 [3 favorites]

Nth-ing the above, but I add a prediction that it will now be part of your life path to trade positions, and experience this from the other side.

You will date someone who wants to be with you more than you want to be with him, and you will then have the opportunity to learn the lesson of how to handle a situation like this. You will come away with a sense of compassion and quiet amusement about human foibles.
posted by jasper411 at 3:04 PM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

"John Van Epp, AOL Love & Sex Coach, helps explain why there can be a disparity between initial chemistry and lasting true feelings..."
posted by kmennie at 3:15 PM on September 15, 2007

You are in your early 20s. Unfortunately, it doesn't get any easier when you are in your 50s. I wish I could offer more hope on that score. From my experience almost everything said previously is valid:
-- but even when it's not your fault, it hurts
--and even when you know in your heart that you are better off without the relationship, it hurts
--and even though you desparately want to make it all right, there is nothing that you can do - and that hurts too.

Any yet, those of us who are not in a relationship, still keep trying -- and most us will until the day we die -- why? because we are human and to give up on relationships is to lose an important part of our humanity.
posted by peace_love_hope at 3:20 PM on September 15, 2007 [5 favorites]

I feel terrible for you -- it's so hard to move on when you have no answers. But sadly sometimes the other person won't give you the insight you need, or there is genuinely nothing they can give you. It would be nice if this guy had been a little more tender knowing that he wasn't providing you with much to move forward with. Breakups suck. Maybe I'm projecting but I just feel for you and I hope you find someone else to put your efforts toward soon.
posted by loiseau at 3:42 PM on September 15, 2007

Yeah, it sucks. Unfortunately, with the exception of an amicable mutual withdrawal, which is rare, this is about the best breakup scenario anyone can hope for.
posted by Reggie Digest at 4:35 PM on September 15, 2007

"He's just not that into you." It is, unfortunately, more than just a book title.

Sorry. :(
posted by blacklite at 7:18 PM on September 15, 2007

you know, sometimes people just get over each other. perhaps he entered the relationship thinking it would be one thing when it ended up something else, perhaps he changed his mind. it's not anyone's fault, especially not yours, that this happened, it's just nature. we have no choice in what we like, it just happens and we are bound to live with those feelings.

dating is complicated. you should keep on trying. stay positive. it's all a matter of luck, not expertise.
posted by krautland at 7:59 PM on September 15, 2007