Getting Over Him

September 5, 2007 9:02 PM

How do I stop thinking about a jerky ex-boyfriend now that I'm with someone really great?

I dated a guy for about 5 months last year. He broke up with me over a year ago. I was very unhappy when we broke up but now I really do realize it was the best thing that could have happened. He was well-intentioned but a jerk in the end. I have since met someone else who is everything I ever wanted and could not be more wonderful and kind and fantastic. We've been together 10 months and live together. I love him and he loves me. So why do I still have these recurring thoughts about the ex? I check his website, I search out his name in newspapers. I wonder what he's doing. I'm terrified of running into him (we all live in the same town). His presence haunts me and I want it to stop. I have not contacted him for many months though he has made attempts at contacting me that I have rebuffed. I am NOT interested in him in any way. I'm sort of embarrassed that we were ever even together. I feel terrible and guilty that his jerky ghost is present in my life with the guy that I am now with. My wonderful partner knows that I dated another guy for a while before we met and that I was hurt by the breakup but does not know that I think about the ex. What's worse is that the thoughts seem to be more prevalent lately. It sucks and I want it to stop! How do I leave the stupid ex behind? I'm 41 and female, if it makes any difference.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total)

It sounds like you're doing fine. Stop feeling guilty about it, realize that these things happen, and know that it will fa.de in time, but maybe not right away. Feeling like this means there's something wrong with you is not going to help.
posted by ludwig_van at 9:17 PM on September 5, 2007 [1 favorite]

Sorry, that last sentence was confusing - I meant: feeling as though this means there's something wrong with you won't help.
posted by ludwig_van at 9:18 PM on September 5, 2007

Trying to push away thoughts on the ex will never solve them. But push because you're scared that if you really think about it, you're going to do something stupid, like run back to him. But you won't; the fact that you're even asking this question proves you won't. You need to get a tight hold on these demons and strangle them. Think through whatever it is you're stuck on- are you wishing you get you revenge? Do you want him to come crawling back? Think through every detail of your dream situation in a realistic fashion- at which point you'll run into the same blocks that caused you two to break up in the first place. Or you'll get so sick of yourself you'll move on to more realistic daydreams, like winning the lotto or telling your boss where to shove it.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:34 PM on September 5, 2007 [2 favorites]

Eh, I wouldn't argue that you're still attracted to the ex. I'd say that he's a person who had some kind of large impact on your life, and it's hard to shake someone who has had a large impact on your life. Even if it wasn't a positive impact. I've obsessed over one or more of my exes that I know for certain I have no positive feelings for whatsoever. It probably has something to do with some sort of deep guilt about my contribution to how the relationship went, etc. I don't know. It's especially hard when the person lives nearby. Much easier when you know there's no chance you'll see him -- out of (possible) sight, out of mind.

I also know from personal experience and from friends' personal experiences that sometimes, when you're the dump-ee, and the guy was a jerk, you might mentally kick yourself for years because YOU weren't the one to dump the jackass first. Jerk. I wonder what that SOB is doing now. Etc, etc. :)
posted by iguanapolitico at 11:00 PM on September 5, 2007 [1 favorite]

If it makes you feel any better your feelings are pretty common, so there is nothing "wrong" with you. We've all felt this way at one time or another, in fact I've even been on the receiving end.

I was that ex who wasn't exactly a good guy who the person was hung up on. I'm not proud of it, in fact I was even a little surprised at the depth of her feelings, and in the end we made a pact just to avoid each other and let time pass between us and that worked fine.

She's with someone now who is everything she wants and I've left her alone. The important thing is to keep your shield up and not allow this person to manipulate you either intentionally or unintentionally (as was my case.) In time your feelings will fade and you won't even think about that person much anymore.

Hang in there and enjoy your new SO!
posted by wfrgms at 11:12 PM on September 5, 2007

Acknowledge that you are attracted to the ex. Quit trying to use logic to make it go away: "But he was a jerk and stupid! Why would I even THINK about that guy when I have a guy who is really great and whom I love?"

That could be true, but it's not definitively true. I still think about my old housemates way too often. I'm not attracted to them but they were horrible pathological freaks who ruined my life for a couple years. I'm not sure that my still thinking about them is normal, but I can assure you I am not attracted.

I don't know how to stop it (though I'm trying. I'm not going to seek out their internet haunts anymore, etc.) but maybe it's a comfort to know that it has happened in platonic relationships too.
posted by birdie birdington at 1:06 AM on September 6, 2007

He broke up with you after a 5-month relationship. He was very attractive to you then (however you rationalise him away as jerky - or a guy may even be attractive AND jerky). And now, I guess, you have a sense that there was, as it were, "unfinished business" between you. I don't think it's an uncommon state of mind, actually; even the fact that someone treats you not-so-well can impress itself on the heart more than kind treatment. However, you've got to face it that this business will be unfinished forever. I've seen good relationships founder because someone couldn't get over the person before. So just keep on ignoring him, and not paying attention to these particular feelings, and in time they will subside, I think.
posted by londongeezer at 1:09 AM on September 6, 2007

Find ways with your current wonderful kind fantastic boyfriend to safely ritualize the bad boy / jerk element of male sexuality.
posted by lastobelus at 1:32 AM on September 6, 2007

Give it time. And listen to The Jeep Song by the Dresden Dolls.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 6:27 AM on September 6, 2007

I think you miss not the ex, but the drama. Maybe new boyfriend isn't exciting enough. He's stable and nice and consistent and... boring? If I had to guess, I'd say you've built up a tolerance for a certain amount of drama and stress in your life, and you're not quite sure what to do without it.

Do something exciting with your life. Take skydiving lessons. I guarantee you that you won't be thinking about the ex when you're freefalling.
posted by desjardins at 7:20 AM on September 6, 2007

I sometimes find myself thinking a lot about other people, and things they have done, when their actions don't make any sense to me. Maybe you are looking for clues as to why the ex was/is such a jerk, some sort of explanation for the jerkiness -- or maybe you are looking for some sort of bad news about his life, hoping to find that his jerky ways will have brought him trouble.

I've found writing can be helpful for this. Use whatever medium appeals to you: pen, computer, paints, etch-a-sketch, whatever. You won't show this writing to anyone else, and you don't even have to read it again. Sit down when you have a quiet half hour or so, preferably at the time these thoughts usually come to you. Write out your prevalent, intrusive thoughts. Write out what you wish had or hadn't happened, write a different ending to your personal story if you like. Write about the things that don't make any sense, and how you feel about that.

Give yourself regular times to do this until these thoughts fade away. If you like, you can continue this into writing about other things in your life, or you can drop it.
posted by yohko at 8:14 AM on September 6, 2007

Also, you might tell your current SO about this. You might be surprised at his reaction. Recently while I was in a relationship with one person, certain things happened in the life of one of my exes that really affected me badly. I was physically and emotionally depressed for a few weeks (drinking, self destructive, the works), and for some reason I told my SO about it. He replied that he would worry if the events did *not* affect me strongly.

Anyway, the situation is not comparable to yours (I acclimated and got over it relatively quickly) but I wanted to mention this because you said that your current SO doesn't know much about the ex. I find that things go much easier when my current SO knows all about my little ex-related demons. :)
posted by iguanapolitico at 9:02 AM on September 6, 2007

I'm with the "accept your continuing attraction to the ex but realize it isn't all that big of a deal and means nothing for your current relationship" crowd.

That way if you run into him it will be just fine. It is totally normal to feel the way you do and it is your choice to do or not do something about it.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:41 AM on September 6, 2007

I'm agree with iguanapolitico in regards to the tendency to obsess over past relationships where you were the dumpee. The women from my past relationships where I initiated the breakup rarely cross my mind. But even as a happily married man of several years, I can still think of one or two ex-girlfriends who take up space in my mind far more often than I'd care to admit, and in both cases they were the dumpers.

I'm no trained psychologist so I have no idea why this is the case for sure. My theory is that when you get dumped, you are left in an incredibly vulnerable position so there is a tendency to want to get back to level ground with your ex either by him or her realizing the error of their ways and groveling to get you back, fantasizing about having them see you again at a time where you look especially good or having them see that you've moved on by happily jumping back into the dating pool, etc.

How much space you allow your ex to take up in your head ultimately is a simple matter of willpower, which you either choose to have or you don't. For me, it took realizing that there was no supernatural evil forces forcing me to google ex-girlfriends names, and thus, the easiest way to get these people out of my thoughts was to NOT proactively choose to do the exact opposite of what would logically help to get these people out of my mind. Which is a long way of saying stop checking his website and/or looking for his name in the paper.
posted by The Gooch at 11:21 AM on September 6, 2007

Okay so this is advice to be coupled with some of the other suggestions here.

Stop checking his website. Stop looking for his name in the paper. If you catch yourself thing about him, accept it, but don't obsess over the fact that you caught yourself and do something else that will occupy your attention.

Memories of things and people are like a positive feedback loop. The more you think about them, the more likely you will be to think about them in the future. While it might occur to you to check his blog, you will end up thinking about him much less if you resist the urge than if you spend 10 minutes reading what he ate for breakfast that day. Avoid seeing his picture; let your memories of him fade, to the point where it's hard to envision his face in your mind and how he talks/types. Once he's harder to remember, it'll be harder to think about him even if you try.
posted by JakeLL at 9:03 AM on September 7, 2007

As someone in (almost) the same position as yours, I'll be watching this thread to see if anyone comes up with a magic recipe for forgetting. Sadly, I don't think it will happen. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind's premise was just that: people will try anything just to forget the painful memories... but they're there for a reason, I think.. or at least hope.

Moving on is very hard, and I don't mean just finding someone else (kudos on that!). I have come to believe that accepting, and true forgiving only come with time. As time passes, memories fade, and in the meanwhile what you can do is avoid at all costs to be crippled by regret or painful memories. It's hard, I know, but it happens to many of us, and hey we have to carry on nonetheless.

What has worked for me is completely avoiding all contact, even going so far as changing my cell number and redirecting all her email directly to the garbage bin. Of course, that won't stop you from remembering, and one other thing that I have learned (through meditation, which I recommend to you) is that fighting thoughts only gives them more power. When you discover yourself reminiscing, don't attempt to fight it, just let those thoughts be, realize that such thoughts are possible, and let them pass when they're done. Oh, and I also stopped victimizing myself, realizing that people aren't "bad" per se, they just act selfishly (thus, ultimately against their own interest) sometimes.

OK, sorry, maybe that didn't make much sense, but yeah, failed relationships are a cross many of us bear, and while it's not easy, it is possible to live on, having faith in the simple fact that time heals everything.
posted by papafrita at 7:27 PM on September 7, 2007 [1 favorite]