Need jokes about not being able to speak.

July 19, 2007 7:02 AM

Tell me/help me find some jokes about/involving not being able to speak. One of my coworkers has a throat... thing, that is keeping her from speaking today(bare whisper if she must), and possibly will last until tomorrow. I'd love to brighten her day with some jokes, and you can help.

I've tried some quick Google searches, but this isn't really a keyword situation. Searches for things like "mute jokes" turn up jokes about deaf/mutes, which really aren't applicable, or jokes about instrument mutes, which are even less applicable.

Bonus points for jokes(in good taste) about blondes or Germans, as my coworker is both. Points assigned on a "Whose Line is it Anyways?" scale.

posted by ElfWord to Grab Bag (16 answers total)

Not a joke:
Some people are considered fools.
Some people speak and remove all doubt.
posted by philomathoholic at 7:12 AM on July 19, 2007

Not exactly a joke but, one of my co-workers started to lose her voice about three days before her wedding. She was really stressed about it and, to try and cheer her up, I gave her a sign that said "I do" on one side and "I don't" on the other. If she has words or phrases that she uses often, you could do something similar - maybe a pack of index cards saying things like "Yes, please", or "No, thank you", or "Why yes, I greatly enjoyed the badger schnitzel"
posted by qldaddy at 7:14 AM on July 19, 2007 [2 favorites]

When Einstein was a young boy he was a late talker and naturally his parents were worried. Finally, one day at supper, he broke into speech with the words "Die Zuppe ist zu heiss." (The soup is too hot). His parents were greatly relieved, but asked him why he hadn't spoken up to that time. The answer came back: "Bisher war Alles in Ordnung." (Until now everything was in order).

(Recounted in The Mathematical Experience by Philip J Davis and Reuben Hersh).

(via http://dcubed.blogspot.com/2007/05/soup.html)
posted by greatgefilte at 7:23 AM on July 19, 2007

If she's resting her voice, then laughter may not be the best medicine. In this case.
posted by amtho at 7:34 AM on July 19, 2007

"What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.
"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"
"No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."


Doug goes to see his physician and says, "Doc, my wife recently lost her voice, what should I do to help her get it back?" The doctor says, "Just try coming home at three in the morning."


Q. What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis?
D. A hoarse doctor.


Q: How did the pig who couldn't speak feel?
A: Dis-gruntled.


Q: What would you call Sir Lancelot if he lost his voice?
A. Silent Night

(I never claimed these were *good* jokes.... ;)
posted by iconomy at 7:34 AM on July 19, 2007

My boyfriend sometimes gets sore throats, and doesn't like to talk. We'll make a game of his not being able to speak by playing charades, often with hilarious results. This might not work as well with a coworker (and might be a result of my awesomely bad charades abilities - seriously), but it really is funny to mime out everyday situations, if you treat it lightly - not as a disability but as an opportunity to communicate in a different way.
posted by warble at 7:38 AM on July 19, 2007

These puns are from a Dilbert strip (that I can't seem to find). They might make good one-liners...

1: I think I'm feeling a little hoarse
2: maybe you're getting a colt.
3: I think I'll try some cough stirrup
4:

dang, I can't remember the rest.
posted by Wild_Eep at 7:45 AM on July 19, 2007

Not a joke per say, but when I had laryngitis once as a kid, my grandmother cheered me up greatly by giving me a very small plastic pony and a card saying "sorry you're a little horse." Get it? A little horse.

Granted, as an elementary school aged girl, I was very into ponies then. YMMV.
posted by sarahmelah at 7:59 AM on July 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

I like the notecard idea. Include things she'd probably like to say but are too reserved or shy to say. And, some off-the-wall things.

- Sorry, I an unable to speak today
- Thank you
- Yes
- No
- I don't know
- I refuse to say
- Please allow me to refer you to _____
- I'll email you about it
- One minute, please
- /Geez, I hate that guy/
- Boy! How about that sports team?!
- I need help
- Please go away
- I once killed a man with ____
- The copy machine is broken
- Who broke the copy machine?
- I will try to fix the copy machine
- Please hurry, I'm losing conciousness
- " --- " (I'm unable to speak, but I'm also snubbing you)
- These cards are the best gift ever!
- Please, ElfWord, let me buy you lunch!
posted by cmiller at 8:09 AM on July 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

Maybe not good for a woman but I'll let you be the judge:

There is a long line at the sperm bank and a guy notices a woman standing in front of him. He taps her on the shoulder and asks "Why are YOU here?" She says nothing. Irritated, the guy taps her on the shoulder again. "Hey lady, what are you doing here?" She turns around and points at her puffed out face cheeks.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave, when a guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts pulling out fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water.
Bob can't believe it, he yells over " whats your secret?"

"woogatkakeptewrwm" he answers back.

"what did you say?" replies Bob.

The man spits a large ball of worms on the ice and says to Bob, " you have to keep your worms warm".
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 8:24 AM on July 19, 2007

Response by poster: Haha, thanks everyone, please keep them coming! I've told about a third of these so far.

mc^2 points to greatgefilte.
3 flavors of points to iconomy.
3x5 points to qldaddy and cmiller.
posted by ElfWord at 8:48 AM on July 19, 2007

There's always the old faithful Trappist Monk joke:

A friend of mine joined a Trappist Monastery, where monks are not allowed to speak. They are allowed to say three words every five years.
At the end of the first five years my friend stood up and said, “Need new shoes”
At the end of the second five years he stood up and said, “Need new mattress”
After fifteen years had passed he stood up and said, “I am quitting!”
The Abbot said, “It’s probably for the best. You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

Ba-dam ching!
posted by Jakey at 8:56 AM on July 19, 2007

King Arthur was going out on a quest. He doesn't completely trust all the knights of the round table, so he has Merlin fasten a magical chastity belt onto Guinevere. When he returns from the quest, he gathers his knights together, and has them drop their pants. He is disappointed to see many of them missing... parts. But when he notices Launcelot's manhood is still intact, he is somewhat relieved. He says, "Of all my knights, I knew I could trust you above all, my friend." To which Launcelot replied, "mgmlmlggmuplmf."
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 10:29 AM on July 19, 2007

Ok, possibly in bad taste but this was the first thing that leapt to mind. The Arrogant Worms song Mounted Animal Nature Trail is about a real tourist attraction, a nature park of taxidermized animals. The song is cute (ignore the video, it's a fan-made thing; the main thing is the song)... the chorus is:
You can see all this, at the Mounted Animal Nature Trail --
Where the dog goes:
[silence]
And the bear goes:
[silence]
(and so on)
posted by LobsterMitten at 1:03 PM on July 19, 2007

There's always the old faithful Trappist Monk joke:

Which is two words every five years. "Food cold." "Bed hard." "I quit."
posted by kindall at 2:00 PM on July 19, 2007

Incidentally the Einstein bit is just a joke, the story is apocryphal at best.
posted by edgeways at 2:41 PM on July 19, 2007