Jokes that involve the listener

January 13, 2006 6:33 AM

Jokes that involve the listener and make fun of them?

e.g.:
- Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
- No.
- Aha! So it was you! You disgusting pig!

posted by Sharcho to sports, hobbies, & recreation (55 comments total)

Me: "Do you want to hear a 'knock knock' joke?"
You: "Sure"
Me: "OK. You start."
You: "Knock knock."
Me: "Who's there?"

Try it. It works. Trust me.
posted by googly at 6:38 AM on January 13, 2006

-If you went camping with a friend, got really drunk and passed out, and woke up naked, covered in spit, blood, shit, and semen, and your asshole hurt like hell, would you tell anybody?

- Ugh. No.

- Want to go camping?
posted by ND¢ at 6:40 AM on January 13, 2006 [1 favorite]

-What's that movie with Smodo Naggins....or Dilbo or something?
-Are you serious! Lord of the Rings, duh.
-NERD!
posted by austin5000 at 6:54 AM on January 13, 2006

You: Did you know they removed the word gullible from the dictionary this year?
Them: Really?

Quite well known now though.
posted by wackybrit at 7:02 AM on January 13, 2006

Ask them if they know how to keep a moron in suspense and then walk away.
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 7:10 AM on January 13, 2006

- Are you a moron in a cage?
- No.
- MORON ON THE LOOSE! MORON ON THE LOOSE!

I can't remember where I stole that from...
posted by srah at 7:17 AM on January 13, 2006

- Who's that actress who stabbed her mother? Reese . . .? Reese something?
-Witherspoon?
-No, with a knife.
posted by bibliowench at 7:21 AM on January 13, 2006

Do you know the difference between an electric razor and a toaster?

No.

Really? You must burn your face a lot when you shave...
posted by chudmonkey at 7:35 AM on January 13, 2006

Knock Knock
Who's there
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce is and you'll find out!

I tried the Reese Witherspoon one on my friend and she fell for it! Good one!
posted by Makebusy7 at 7:38 AM on January 13, 2006

I think Makebusy7 meant to say, "Lettuce IN and you'll find out!"
posted by UnclePlayground at 7:41 AM on January 13, 2006

Knock knock

Who's there?

Interrupting Cow.

Interrupting co...


MOOOOOOOO!
posted by bondcliff at 7:56 AM on January 13, 2006

@wackybrit - Nooo! I thought I'd made that one up! I got my g/f with it about 3 years ago... I didn't tell her that it was a joke for a few days.
Surprisingly enough, she still agreed to marry me. Weird.

Can't think of anything relevant for the question unfortunately - I'm sure that there's something lurking in the back of my head...
posted by Chunder at 7:59 AM on January 13, 2006

Love it, bondcliff.
posted by spicynuts at 7:59 AM on January 13, 2006

-So the morons are holding a contest to choose the new King of the Morons. The way it works is, the morons put a common object behind a screen, and each candidate has to figure out what it is, and whoever gets it right is the King of the Morons. Well, the first thing they put behind the screen is... um... shoot... what do you call those beds, you know, it's like one bed on top of another bed...
-A bunkbed?
-Hooray for the King of the Morons!

Oh, and the counterattack to the "gullible isn't in the dictionary" bit is to look incredulous and say, "No, that can't be right." You then grab a dictionary, thumb through it, and look up with a surprised expression and say, "Well, what do you know? It's not in here!" Hilarity will ensue.
posted by Faint of Butt at 8:00 AM on January 13, 2006

This beer tastes like updog!
posted by deadfather at 8:35 AM on January 13, 2006

One of my favorites, works 99% of the time:

Me: Say, "JOKE, JOKE."
Them: "JOKE, JOKE."

Me: Say, "JOKE, JOKE, JOKE"
Them: "JOKE, JOKE, JOKE"

Me: Say, "JOKE, JOKE, JOKE, JOKE"
Them: "JOKE, JOKE, JOKE, JOKE"

Me: What's the white of an egg called?
Them: YOLK!!

Most people are very proud at saying yolk. Some people have gone 5-10 minutes before realizing it's the wrong answer, which makes it even better.
posted by robbie01 at 8:42 AM on January 13, 2006 [1 favorite]

Me: Ask me "what's the secret to comedy?"
Them: "What's the secret to co--"
Me: Timing!
posted by matildaben at 8:46 AM on January 13, 2006 [1 favorite]

- What do you call a black pirate?
- I don't know.
- A pirate, you racist!
posted by matthewr at 9:06 AM on January 13, 2006

I can't believe I forgot one of my favorites:

-How do you fit an elephant into a shopping basket?
-I don't know; how?
-You take the S out of "Safe" and the F out of "Way."
-There's no F in Way!
-Exactly.
posted by Faint of Butt at 9:14 AM on January 13, 2006 [1 favorite]

This beer tastes like updog!

Okay, okay, I'll bite.... ahem... what's updog?
posted by Robot Johnny at 9:15 AM on January 13, 2006

Oh, and a perennial schoolyard favourite:

Q: If your Uncle Jack helped you off a horse, would you help your Uncle Jack off a horse?
posted by Robot Johnny at 9:17 AM on January 13, 2006

Okay, okay, I'll bite.... ahem... what's updog?

Not much, dog! What's up with you?
posted by Wild_Eep at 9:22 AM on January 13, 2006

Knock knock
Who's there?
I've done up
I've done up who?
Eeeew

Also:

Knock knock
Who's there?
Dribleep
Dribleep who?
Eeeew
posted by TheDonF at 9:46 AM on January 13, 2006

- What do you call a black pirate?
- I don't know.
- A pirate, you racist!

I've always found that joke to be more effective if you play to the supposed racist connotations of it. That is.. What do you call a black lawyer? or.. What do you call a black millionaire? Or something that makes the person think there's a racist punchline. It also hinges a lot on the fierce delivery of the last line.
posted by wackybrit at 9:53 AM on January 13, 2006

Q: If your Uncle Jack helped you off a horse, would you help your Uncle Jack off a horse?

In a similar vein: If a weird guy leapt on your back, would you wack him off?

(This works better in places where 'whack' is understood to be linked to a rude term, but is primarily used in the physical sense, such as the UK.)
posted by wackybrit at 9:55 AM on January 13, 2006

2 muffins in the oven. The heat is on. 1 muffin says, "Danm! It's getting hot in here!"

What does the other muffin say?
posted by SwingingJohnson1968 at 10:10 AM on January 13, 2006

other muffin: "HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
posted by SwingingJohnson1968 at 10:11 AM on January 13, 2006

'Updog' is like the perennial old man joke.

Joker: "Are you looking for the henway?"

Stooge:"What's a henway?"

Joker:"Oh, about six pounds."

"JOKE, JOKE" reminds me of other setup jokes, like:

Joker: Spell ROAST
Stooge:>>R-O-A-S-T

Spell MOST.
>>M-O-S-T

Spell COAST
>>C-O-A-S-T

Now, spell the name of the food that you put in the toaster?
>>T-O-A-S-T
Wrong. B-R-E-A-D.

For many years, I've actively collected the long, shaggy-dog type stories where the listener hangs on every word and then ends up looking foolish at the end because they believed the story. Telling these is almost like performance art. You tell them dramatically, up to a crucial climactic point, and then stop and insert a long pause as though you're not going to finish. The stooge usually asks "Well, what happened?" and then you deliver the idiotic punch line. And up until that moment, they didn't know it was a joke. Without exception, they're far too long to post here in their entirety - but I mean these stories:

1. Tall tale about yourself refusing to pay at a restuarant, having a companion fake a heart attack, ambulance comes, you try to leave in a cab and restuarant owner comes out and starts pulling at your leg "just like I'm pulling yours."

2. Long story about a strange injury to your toe which left you stranded on the side of the road. Elaborate. Stooge asks, so how'd you get home? I called the toe truck.

3. Story features you picking up a hitchiker somewhere with a mysterious bag. He acts so weird about the bag that you start getting concerned about what it is. You ask him, he refuses to tell. At each refusal he says "It's none of your fucking business." You guess several things, for example - "is it drugs, man? Because you can tell me, I'm totally cool with it. I just want to know if I need to worry about getting pulled over," etc., He keeps refusing, saying 'It's none of your fucking business." After three or four such interchanges, you kick him out of the car and pull away. Then you look down and, holy smokes, there's the bag. Stop there. Of course the stooge asks "So, what was in it?" to which you say "None of your fucking business."

God, I love those jokes.
posted by Miko at 10:18 AM on January 13, 2006 [3 favorites]

The retards are just back from the zoo, and the teacher is testing them.
"What's gray and has a trunk?"
The retard says "An elephant."
"Yay! Clap for retard boy!" (claps)
"What's yellow with a long neck?"
The retard says "A giraffe?"
"Yay! Clap for retard boy!" (Claps)
Then they ask him about that one that's like a horse, but has stripes... You know...?

("A zebra?"
"Yay! Clap for retard boy!")
posted by klangklangston at 10:19 AM on January 13, 2006

Yeah, shaggy dogs are good too. I can make the actual shaggy dog story tortuously long, and a friend is good at the Yellow Lego. (There's also the meta-shaggy dog "Purple Squiggle" joke, and the semi-legitimately funny Insult School/Clown joke.)
posted by klangklangston at 10:20 AM on January 13, 2006

Asphinctersayswhat?
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:33 AM on January 13, 2006

My, Astro Zombie, I do wish you would speak more clearly. When you mumble I have trouble understanding your intent.

What?
posted by nobody at 11:05 AM on January 13, 2006

Depending on how much of an ass you want to be in the mocking-the-listener thing:

Keep in mind that shaggy dog stories don't HAVE to have a punchline. Just tell a boring and pointless story for however long it takes someone to ask you if there's an end to this joke. Then say no.

And then run.
posted by fidelity at 11:06 AM on January 13, 2006

The Aristocrats!
posted by LordSludge at 11:24 AM on January 13, 2006

Also, a la Spies Like Us:

Did you hear that? It sounded like a dikfor!

What's a dikfor?

To piss with!
posted by fidelity at 12:23 PM on January 13, 2006

J: "I'm going to be the next Hitler. I'm going to kill all the Jews and one clown."

A: "Why a clown?"

j: "A-ha! See?? Nobody cares about the Jews!"
posted by orthogonality at 12:27 PM on January 13, 2006 [1 favorite]

Knock Knock.
Who is there?
Goliath?
Goliath Who?
Goliath Down, You Looketh Tired.
posted by jasondigitized at 12:38 PM on January 13, 2006 [2 favorites]

Me: pussy. pussy. pussy.
Them: uh-huh.
Me: pussy. pussy.
Them: what?
Me: pussy.
Them: Is this a joke?
Me: pussy.
Them: I don't get it.
Me: AND YOU NEVER WILL!
posted by ChasFile at 12:45 PM on January 13, 2006

Tell this like your completely being serious and embellish as much as you want:


"Holy sh*t your not gonna believe what happened the other day. I was at the gas station the other day, in a HUGE rush, not paying attention to what I was doing, and somehow, I spill gas all over my jacket. Anyway, what am I gonna do. I guess I'll wait till I get home. So....anyway.....I am such an idiot! Like always, whenver I start driving, I light up a cigarette ( if you dont smoke say something about a spark or something ) . I completely forgot about the gas incident and before I know it, my arm is completely on fire! Now, I am going down the road, knee deep in traffic and can't just stop, so I put my arm out the window, and wave it like crazy to get the flames to go out. Now as I am doing this, a cop see's this, get's behind me, and flashes his light. Well, in the commotion, I finally put the fire out, and pull over to the road. I hop out of my car, the officer approaches, and says 'Holy Sh*t buddy, are you alright?'. I tell him I am fine although a little shaken up. He says 'Cool, but unfortunately, I am going to have to write you a ticket." I say 'WHAT!!! My f*ckin arm was just on fire and you are gonna have to write me a ticket. FOR WHAT!!'. 'Well Sir, I am going to have to write you a ticket for carrying an illegal firearm."
posted by jasondigitized at 1:11 PM on January 13, 2006 [1 favorite]

What was that really long joke about the guy who always wanted a ping pong ball for his birthday? Anybody? Anybody?
posted by billysumday at 1:25 PM on January 13, 2006

the pink ping-pong ball joke
posted by fidelity at 1:31 PM on January 13, 2006

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
I eat mop.
I eat mop who?

Best when told in large groups.
posted by SemiSophos at 1:47 PM on January 13, 2006

This was said to have been an exchange between Sam Donaldson and President Reagan, although I have my doubts.

SD: "Mr. President, it is said that every man does one of two things when he takes a shower in the morning. He either plays with himself or he sings."

RR: "What?'

SD: "Do you know what he sings, sir?'

RR: "Um, no."

SD: "I thought not."
posted by yclipse at 1:59 PM on January 13, 2006

This joke was topical in the 1980s, but just for the record:

YOU: Who was that racing driver who started his own airline? Nicky something?

THEM: Lauda!

YOU: I said, WHO WAS THE RACING DRIVER WHO STARTED HIS OWN AIRLINE??
posted by AmbroseChapel at 3:19 PM on January 13, 2006

When you woke up this morning did you have an ass full of cum and a quarter in your hand?

"Of course not!"

Oops, guess I forgot to pay you. Sorry.
posted by ColdChef at 4:49 PM on January 13, 2006

Also, from a friend at Spring Break (used as the world's worst pickup line):

Hey, baby, wanna get some Doritos and fuck?

"Of course not!"

What's wrong? Don't like Doritos?
posted by ColdChef at 4:50 PM on January 13, 2006

Thats ok, ColdChef, but that line would be funnier if it ended thus:

"Ok then, how about Pringles?"
posted by ChasFile at 4:54 PM on January 13, 2006

Wow. That IS better.
posted by ColdChef at 4:59 PM on January 13, 2006

You: [Create a circle by touching thumb to forefinger.] "What's this?"
Them: "I don't know"
You: "Wanker's cramp. [pause] Do you get it?"
Them: "Uh, yeah, I guess."
You: [laughter]
posted by pollystark at 5:01 PM on January 13, 2006

Along the lines of the black pirate joke, I love to tell a serious of pirate jokes and racists jokes, especially in public like at a bar, then close wit this one:

"You know what the best thing is about pirate jokes?"
"No. What?"
"You don't have to do this (look to the left, then right to see who's listening) when you tell one."

Also: Did you hear about that circus fire on the news last night?
posted by Brittanie at 5:02 PM on January 13, 2006

Man, it was intense.
posted by Brittanie at 5:02 PM on January 13, 2006

- A sphincter says what? (said very fast)
- What?
- A sphincter says what?
- What?
- Exactly...
posted by devilsbrigade at 6:05 PM on January 13, 2006

I've always found that joke to be more effective if you play to the supposed racist connotations of it. That is.. What do you call a black lawyer? or.. What do you call a black millionaire? Or something that makes the person think there's a racist punchline. It also hinges a lot on the fierce delivery of the last line.

Yes, the modified version I use packs a bit more of a punch (especially with a decent pause for the "oh my goodness they're telling a racist joke" panic to start):

1: What do you call a black man flying a plane?
2: I don't know.
1: A pilot, you fucking racist.
posted by hugsnkisses at 7:28 PM on January 13, 2006 [3 favorites]

Two blonds (could be guys) are on opposite sides of a river. One calls to the other: "How do I get to the other side?" The other replies, "You are on the other side!"
posted by rob511 at 10:48 PM on January 14, 2006 [1 favorite]

TheDonF: I'm slow, and I don't get it.

Along the lines of Miko's and robbie01's:

Say "silk" five times.
[silk, silk, silk, silk, silk]

OK now spell "silk".
[S-I-L-K]

What does a cow drink?
[Milk!]
No, they drink water.

and:

If a yellow house is made out of yellow bricks, a red house out of red bricks, and a blue house out of blue bricks, what do they make a greenhouse out of?
[green bricks/yellow-and-blue bricks, sayeth a friend of mine]
No, glass.
posted by divabat at 2:21 AM on January 19, 2006