Give me your "rectum, damn near killed 'em" jokes!
February 28, 2012 9:33 AM   Subscribe

In the spirit of "rectum, damn near killed 'em!", what are other words that can be followed with a joke/punchline?

Examples include "liquor? I hardly knew her!"

and my personal favorite: "Old Testament? Was there another??"

If possible, I'd love to know the sources of these jokes.
posted by neilkod to Writing & Language (98 answers total) 51 users marked this as a favorite
 
Anything ending in -er, -or, -ir, or -ur. "Liquor? Just met her." "Shake her? Barely know her." "Elixir? Don't even like her." Etc.
posted by MoonOrb at 9:37 AM on February 28, 2012


Oh, I see you covered those. Shit. But I'm favoriting this.
posted by MoonOrb at 9:38 AM on February 28, 2012


Also anything ending in "im" or "um" or variants thereof. You got rectum, but as a New Englander I always enjoyed working that magic on town names like "Needham".
posted by telegraph at 9:39 AM on February 28, 2012


I seem to recall a similar line using the name of the Norse god of Thunder...
posted by LN at 9:39 AM on February 28, 2012


If possible, I'd love to know the sources of these jokes.

I;m guessing the Borscht Belt, since they've all been around since early Vaudeville days. And they're so old, the last time I heard 'em I fell off my dinosaur laughing.
posted by halfbuckaroo at 9:41 AM on February 28, 2012 [2 favorites]


Jim Norton, as Chip Chipperson, ad-libs these and other bad puns all the time on the Opie and Anthony Show. Here's a fan-made "Best-of" compilation (NSFW).
posted by clorox at 9:43 AM on February 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Do you have a tissue?"
"Tissue? I don't even know you!"

And a ton of knock knock jokes...."Olive you", "Madam foot's stuck in the door", and "Orange you glad I didn't say banana?" might be along the lines of what you're looking for.
posted by NoraCharles at 9:44 AM on February 28, 2012


Poker.

"Poker? I hardly know 'er!"
posted by bondcliff at 9:46 AM on February 28, 2012


Don't call me "Shirley."
posted by griphus at 9:46 AM on February 28, 2012 [4 favorites]


"Poker Face? Don't mind if I do."
posted by jozxyqk at 9:48 AM on February 28, 2012 [2 favorites]


Here's a fan-made "Best-of" yt compilation (NSFW).
Well, maybe not the best clips for this thread. But trust me, he's full of them.
posted by clorox at 9:48 AM on February 28, 2012


Many towns in New England have female names, so when one passes a sign that says, for example, "Entering Beverly", it is required by law that any 20-something male in the car has to say "Not if Beverly has anything to say about it!"

There's even a comedian who has a song called "Entering Marion", which I'm sure you can find on the YouTubes. It's about as funny as you'd imagine it is.
posted by bondcliff at 9:49 AM on February 28, 2012 [5 favorites]


"Poker in the front, liquor in the rear."

Now I will go wash my hands.
posted by backseatpilot at 9:50 AM on February 28, 2012 [3 favorites]


Many towns in New England have female names, so when one passes a sign that says, for example, "Entering Beverly", it is required by law that any 20-something male in the car has to say "Not if Beverly has anything to say about it!"

My GOD, why have I never thought of this? I entered Beverly twice today alone, and yet I have never thought of this joke. And I am, internally, a twelve year old boy. You have enlightened me, sir, in ways you could never have imagined. I thank you humbly.
posted by kpht at 9:54 AM on February 28, 2012 [16 favorites]


Jamaica?
posted by biffa at 9:54 AM on February 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


Have at it, kpht.
posted by bondcliff at 9:57 AM on February 28, 2012


We're big fans of following with, "That's what she/he said last night, just before the bed broke."
posted by PJMoore at 10:00 AM on February 28, 2012


As Letterman likes to say, I'm not one to blow my own horn, but I certainly would if I could.
posted by found missing at 10:04 AM on February 28, 2012


Beavis and Butt-Head have the "huh huh, you said (word)" reaction to anything vaguely sexual, especially when it's not in context.

"And so he went up to the cash machine with his card and when he put it in the slot..."
"Huh huh. You said 'put it in the slot.'"
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:05 AM on February 28, 2012


Euler curves?

-er jokes were a favorite back in college. Here's a pretty comprehensive list.
posted by dfan at 10:08 AM on February 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


For some reason, this exchange from an episode of "Charles In Charge" always stuck with me (paraphrasing from memory):

Buddy: She's one of those whatchamacallits, people who like to explore caves.
Charles: Spelunker?
Buddy: Not yet, but I hope to once we get in the cave!
posted by Roommate at 10:11 AM on February 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


I've heard this many times from fishermen.

Oar.

Hey that's no oar, that's my sister.
posted by unreasonable at 10:14 AM on February 28, 2012 [5 favorites]


With "er" jokes, I like them as nonsensical as possible. I remember flipping through the channels with a friend, making dumb jokes any time anyone on the TV said any word ending in "er". We finally had to stop after we collapsed in laughter when we switched to a silent vote count on C-SPAN and one of us said, "Senator?! I hardly know her!" I think that is when the rest of our friends left the room.
posted by mskyle at 10:14 AM on February 28, 2012 [5 favorites]


Also, straight out of Police Squad (IN COLOR!), whenever anyone offers me anything by just saying the name of that thing ("Beer?" "Cookie?") I like to respond with "Yes. I know."

I'm a big hit at parties, as I'm sure you have figured out.
posted by bondcliff at 10:17 AM on February 28, 2012 [8 favorites]


My math teacher in elementary school used to say,
"Kabanos, you're going to be an outstanding student –
OUT STANDING IN THE HALL."
posted by Kabanos at 10:20 AM on February 28, 2012 [5 favorites]


Whenever someone offers me something benign (tissue? water?) that I don't need, I respond with, "no thanks, I'm trying to quit."

Really throws people off guard.
posted by phunniemee at 10:20 AM on February 28, 2012 [11 favorites]


Focus. (What, all of us?)
posted by rongorongo at 10:25 AM on February 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


I hope this is okay given that this is basically chatfilter anyhow, but what's the joke in the Old Testament one? There's two, old and new...
posted by mendel at 10:28 AM on February 28, 2012


whenever anyone offers me anything by just saying the name of that thing ("Beer?" "Cookie?") I like to respond with "Yes. I know."

I'm a big hit at parties, as I'm sure you have figured out.
"

Along similar lines:

"Spare change?"

"No, thanks. I've got plenty already."
posted by hydrophonic at 10:28 AM on February 28, 2012


Rubber innertubes?
posted by dirtdirt at 10:29 AM on February 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


Does this count?

If Mississippi asked Missouri for her New Jersey, what would Delaware?

pause, wait for person to say "I dunno."

Idaho either, but Alaska!
posted by vitabellosi at 10:32 AM on February 28, 2012 [2 favorites]


"Aнанас. A ми, її."

(Doesn't really translate, but there you go.)
posted by Kabanos at 10:32 AM on February 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


My GOD, why have I never thought of this? I entered Beverly twice today alone, and yet I have never thought of this joke. And I am, internally, a twelve year old boy.
posted by kpht


You should visit Mianus, CT sometime...
posted by blaneyphoto at 10:32 AM on February 28, 2012 [2 favorites]


Doesn't fit the category:

Tampon Strings, FL

Does fit the category:

Financial problems at Erasmus University? Yes, Erasmus be hurting.
posted by found missing at 10:33 AM on February 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


"I get up every morning at the crack of dawn."
"Who's Dawn?"
posted by Lieber Frau at 10:38 AM on February 28, 2012


Look at that "S" car go!
posted by mattbucher at 10:39 AM on February 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


Paging user #20102!
posted by MrMoonPie at 10:42 AM on February 28, 2012


You should visit Mianus, CT sometime...

And if you're like this guy, you can even have a wiener in Mianus.
posted by dlugoczaj at 10:53 AM on February 28, 2012


Well, there's the "Do you like Kipling?" response: "I don't know. I never Kippled." I'd imagine it could work with any other non-verb that just happened to end in -ing, although other examples escape me at the moment.
posted by .kobayashi. at 10:56 AM on February 28, 2012 [3 favorites]


"Hey!" Hay is for horses. Cows like you moo.

"Chinese fire drill!" In China, they're just called fire drills.
posted by jabberjaw at 10:56 AM on February 28, 2012


Anything ending in way (expressway, entryway, walkway, jetway) can be turned into a variant on the henway joke.

This is a little more elaborate stuff, but you might be interested in this thread, because these jokes have a similar effect of duping/confusing the listener.

I tend to think of this stuff as "Dad humor" because my dad makes these jokes all the time - "trying to quit" is a favorite with him. Two more that are handy in any debate or argument:

"On the one hand, [whatever, whatever, whatever]. And on the other hand, you have five fingers."

"You have a point. But if you comb your hair right, you can cover it up."
posted by Miko at 11:01 AM on February 28, 2012 [5 favorites]


You don't want to get snoo all over it, though.
posted by Obscure Reference at 11:08 AM on February 28, 2012 [2 favorites]


Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it in for me!
posted by firstdrop at 11:10 AM on February 28, 2012 [5 favorites]


(A line delivered by Kenneth Williams as Julius Caesar in "Carry on Cleo.")
posted by firstdrop at 11:18 AM on February 28, 2012


You don't want to get snoo all over it, though.

What's snoo?
You're welcome
posted by bondcliff at 11:19 AM on February 28, 2012 [4 favorites]


[when passing cows in a field]

-Oh look, a flock of cows

-HERD of cows

-Of course I've heard of cows! herd of sheep?
posted by Jon_Evil at 11:36 AM on February 28, 2012 [4 favorites]


"I caught my wife with my best friend."

"Bitter?"

"Yep: bit him, too."

and

"Do you like Kipling?"

"I don't know; I've never kippled before!"
posted by Gilbert at 11:37 AM on February 28, 2012


I used to work in Chicago, at a department store. a lady came in for a cake one day, i asked her what kind she came for. "layer", she said - so that's what I did! Now I don't work there anymore.
posted by thilmony at 11:59 AM on February 28, 2012


"How do you do?"
"I don't know, I just do."

Always works for me.
posted by Liesl at 12:00 PM on February 28, 2012 [2 favorites]


Also, M*A*S*H is full of these puns. "Shampoo. Because we couldn't find real poo." And many more that I can't think of right now.
posted by Liesl at 12:02 PM on February 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


You should sing tenor -- ten or twelve miles away.

You should sing solo -- so low I can't hear you.

Also, another favorite from Airplane, "Its an entirely different kind of flying, altogether." (ALL, TOGETHER: It's an entirely different kind of flying!) This one is remarkably hard to pull off, though.
posted by Mchelly at 12:08 PM on February 28, 2012


I am overly fond of jokes that riff off the classic "dickfer" joke, where you get someone to ask you, "What's a dickfer" and you reply, "Fer fuckin', stupid!" Such as when discussing the skin healing ointment Aquaphor, and I somehow manage to get someone to ask me, "What's Aquaphor?" Depending on my mood and the crowd, the answer is either "For drinkin', stupid!" or "For fuckin', stupid!" You may have to have a very special sort of brain for this to be at all funny.

There's a terrible horrible no-good very bad joke in one of Stephen King's Dark Tower books where Eddie says, "I metaphor sex, but she slapped me." Sooo bad, and yet sooo irresistable to the sort of punsters I spend my time with.

"Miso" is a frequently-abused word, as well, though the joke (that it sounds like "Me so," as in, "Me so horny!" or "Me so hungry!") is based on a stereotype that many find more offensive than funny.
posted by rhiannonstone at 12:25 PM on February 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


Oh! And how can I forget "lettuce?"
posted by rhiannonstone at 12:27 PM on February 28, 2012


A recent trip back to Brookings, SD, reminded me of one of my old favorites: "Sexhauer? We don't even get 10 minutes for a coffee break!"
posted by themanwho at 12:38 PM on February 28, 2012 [3 favorites]


My go-to groaner is to say "Bless you" whenever anyone says the word "issues".

Usage:
"My cat has litterbox issues."
Bless you!

...because 'issues' sounds like a sneeze. It usually works for a 'bless your heart'-type meaning as well.
posted by carsonb at 12:43 PM on February 28, 2012


Pretty much every single line of dialogue from Airplane.

OMG that movie was released 30+ years ago...I feel old now.
posted by wutangclan at 12:57 PM on February 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


there's an extention to the -er one

Liquor? I hardly know 'er! you brought 'er you liquor
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:17 PM on February 28, 2012


Deus Ex? Yes please.
posted by lucidium at 1:37 PM on February 28, 2012


"Soy milk?" "No, tu no eres milk."
posted by mendel at 1:46 PM on February 28, 2012 [14 favorites]


Watch pretty much any Marx Brothers movie with a notepad and pen and take notes you'll have plenty of ideas in not time.
posted by wwax at 2:01 PM on February 28, 2012


Also, M*A*S*H is full of these puns. "Shampoo. Because we couldn't find real poo." And many more that I can't think of right now.

I think that's because they were almost all Marx Brothers references.
posted by Miko at 2:11 PM on February 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


Why, yes, Miss Jones, I can see Uranus perfectly from here.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:34 PM on February 28, 2012


Jamaica?

No, she wanted to...
posted by dirm at 2:39 PM on February 28, 2012


I love this thread. It reminds me so much of my dad, who makes this kind of joke all the time.

Whenever anyone compliments my dad on a new item of clothing, he responds with, "Thanks, it's a rental."
posted by gentian at 2:42 PM on February 28, 2012 [5 favorites]


"Did you get a haircut?"

"No, I got them all cut."
posted by bondcliff at 2:59 PM on February 28, 2012 [2 favorites]


* Better be careful, or the matterbaby will get you!
- What's the matterbaby?
* Nothing, sugar!
posted by scruss at 3:05 PM on February 28, 2012 [2 favorites]


A couple of my dad's favorites:
Me: dad, I'm thirsty.
Dad: Hi, Thursday, I'm Friday! Come over Saturday and we'll have a Sundae.

Me: Hi Dad, how are you?
Dad: I'm alright after the accident!

The first one didn't make any sense until I understood that thirsty sounded like Thursday only if pronounced a certain way. Etc.
posted by Barry B. Palindromer at 3:33 PM on February 28, 2012


Mount Olympus? I don't even know Olympus!
posted by crazycanuck at 4:18 PM on February 28, 2012 [3 favorites]


Knock knock.
Who's there?
Euripides.
Euripides who?
Euripides pants, I breaka you face!
posted by exphysicist345 at 4:50 PM on February 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


Smells like updog in here?
posted by milk white peacock at 4:52 PM on February 28, 2012


One I do to my son all the time, stolen from a BNL song:

"Did you put that [thing] under there?"

"Under where?"

"Ha ha, you said underwear!"

(my son is ten. I am, apparently, twelve.)
posted by bondcliff at 5:12 PM on February 28, 2012


You should be on stage...the next one outta town!
posted by jara1953 at 5:23 PM on February 28, 2012


Oh, one of my favorites from The Bachelor and The BobbySoxer:

"You remind me of a man!"
"What man?"
"The man with the power."
"What power?"
"The power of hoodoo."
"Hoodoo?"
"You do!"
"I do what?"
"You remind me of a man!"....
posted by Miko at 5:33 PM on February 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


Oh god. My father's side of the family does this crap ALL THE TIME. Reading this makes me feel like I'm at a family reunion.

Aren't Terry Pratchett books FULL of this stuff? I haven't read, but some of those titles just slay me.
posted by Heretical at 5:48 PM on February 28, 2012


"Hawaii"
"I'm fine thank you."

"I'm going to study abroad."
"I studied a broad in my day."
posted by parakeetdog at 6:10 PM on February 28, 2012


Ghost? Oh, I thought you said "goat".
posted by fuse theorem at 6:17 PM on February 28, 2012


Straight Dope Message Board > Main > In My Humble Opinion > Punchlines that are funny without the joke?

Doctor Bennett! Bent it, hell, I broke it.
posted by theora55 at 6:45 PM on February 28, 2012


"It hurts when I do THIS."

"Well, don't do that then."
posted by Miko at 6:51 PM on February 28, 2012


Rubber chew toy. Bitter melon. Visitor center. Matterhorn. Cummerbund. Wacker Drive.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:55 PM on February 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


Also, in Shakespearean English, tupperware would have been a well-formed question. (Answer: "For fuck's sake, not on the couch.") Oh, for a time machine.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:59 PM on February 28, 2012 [2 favorites]


"We could take a walk and you could kiss me on the veranda."
"Lips would be fine."
posted by Ookseer at 8:37 PM on February 28, 2012


Not a pun, but in the same vein, and you can tag anything vaguely euphemistic with it:

"Okay, so let's plan on having lunch, then going to town."
"Sure. And after that, let's take the car into the city!"

"Do you want to drop the kids off at the pool?"
"Sure. And afterwards I could take Bob and Suzie to their swim lesson."

And the reversal:

"Let's get nasty."
"Yeah -- and afterwards, we can have sex!

(I've grown to rely on these. If anyone has a name/point of reference/origin in Airplane for this joke, I'd appreciate it... )
posted by anotherbrick at 9:43 PM on February 28, 2012


Jamaican me crazy!
posted by blaneyphoto at 10:02 PM on February 28, 2012


Man goes into a bakers in Glasgow.
Man: "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?"
Assistant: "Naw - yer right enough"
posted by rongorongo at 10:18 PM on February 28, 2012


I remember hearing this one in the UK:

"I went to a rough school."
"Eton?"
"Damn nearly."
posted by tangerine at 1:44 AM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Cecum; can't find him. That is the clean enough for class version. You are welcome to ponder the other.
posted by Uniformitarianism Now! at 4:30 AM on February 29, 2012


mendel: "I hope this is okay given that this is basically chatfilter anyhow, but what's the joke in the Old Testament one? There's two, old and new..."

Seconded, I don't get it...

These are known as 'dad jokes' in my family.
posted by Gordafarin at 6:50 AM on February 29, 2012


Tortilla? I hardly know ya!
posted by SampleSize at 7:20 AM on February 29, 2012


Anheuser-Busch? Her bush is fine
posted by Gomoryhu at 7:59 AM on February 29, 2012


Also whenever I hear about someone doing something "without a net," it's very hard for me not to say out loud "Who's Annette?"
posted by Mchelly at 8:24 AM on February 29, 2012


Ophelia? Can you come here?

Ophelia own ass for a change!
posted by halfbuckaroo at 9:02 AM on February 29, 2012


I have picked up on these ones from "How I Met Your Mother". Of course, they're probably from somewhere else before that.

Jack: "This is a major traffic jam!"
Jill: [salutes] "Major Traffic Jam!"
posted by sarah_pdx at 3:10 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Hedgehogs...

...

Why can't they just share the hedge?
posted by sarah_pdx at 3:16 PM on February 29, 2012


I like to ride around with the top down. Convertibles are nice too....
posted by PJMoore at 12:35 PM on March 1, 2012


Tequila?
posted by biffa at 3:53 PM on March 1, 2012


Innuendo, and out the other.
posted by found missing at 12:34 PM on March 3, 2012


Here's a great compilation of Jim Norton doing these. My favorite: Footage? You should scratch it!
posted by clorox at 8:56 PM on April 26, 2012


It's so nice out! Think I'll leave it out.
posted by FelliniBlank at 7:27 AM on February 19, 2013


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