The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.
May 2, 2014 2:46 PM Subscribe
It was tense. I adore "X walked into a bar" jokes.
Lay some on me.
My favorite is:
Bacon and Eggs walked into a bar. The bartender said, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve breakfast."
posted by latkes at 2:49 PM on May 2, 2014 [11 favorites]
Bacon and Eggs walked into a bar. The bartender said, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve breakfast."
posted by latkes at 2:49 PM on May 2, 2014 [11 favorites]
A classic (slightly longer than your example, maybe not the form you're looking for but it's my favorite joke)
Pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel attached to the front of his pants. He sits down on a stool with great difficulty and orders some rum.
As the bartender's pouring his drink, he says "Hey, buddy, can't help but ask, but what's up with the ship's wheel attached to the front of your pants?"
Pirate says: "Arrr. It's drivin' me nuts!"
posted by dismas at 2:50 PM on May 2, 2014 [22 favorites]
Pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel attached to the front of his pants. He sits down on a stool with great difficulty and orders some rum.
As the bartender's pouring his drink, he says "Hey, buddy, can't help but ask, but what's up with the ship's wheel attached to the front of your pants?"
Pirate says: "Arrr. It's drivin' me nuts!"
posted by dismas at 2:50 PM on May 2, 2014 [22 favorites]
A bear walked into a bar. The bartender said hey, you want a beer?
posted by chasles at 2:51 PM on May 2, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by chasles at 2:51 PM on May 2, 2014 [7 favorites]
Also, the classic,
Long John Silver walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender said, "What's that?" and Long John Silver said, "I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts."
I don't know why this is a "guy walked into a bar" joke, but that's how I heard it.
posted by latkes at 2:51 PM on May 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
Long John Silver walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender said, "What's that?" and Long John Silver said, "I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts."
I don't know why this is a "guy walked into a bar" joke, but that's how I heard it.
posted by latkes at 2:51 PM on May 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
Jinx.
posted by latkes at 2:51 PM on May 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by latkes at 2:51 PM on May 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sure, says the bear. Great says the bartender, but why the big pause?
posted by chasles at 2:51 PM on May 2, 2014 [60 favorites]
.
.
.
.
.
Sure, says the bear. Great says the bartender, but why the big pause?
posted by chasles at 2:51 PM on May 2, 2014 [60 favorites]
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"
Grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Murray?"
posted by dancinglamb at 2:51 PM on May 2, 2014 [18 favorites]
The bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"
Grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Murray?"
posted by dancinglamb at 2:51 PM on May 2, 2014 [18 favorites]
An old man walks into a bar, very slowly and gingerly, and orders an ice cream sundae.
The bartender asks, "Crushed nuts?"
Old guy replies, "No, just a little rheumatism."
posted by karbonokapi at 2:57 PM on May 2, 2014 [7 favorites]
The bartender asks, "Crushed nuts?"
Old guy replies, "No, just a little rheumatism."
posted by karbonokapi at 2:57 PM on May 2, 2014 [7 favorites]
The 'pirate with the steering wheel on his junk' joke is my favorite joke. Ever.
And here's a joke that's kinda what you want:
A Zen master walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
Hooo! Love that joke.
posted by Pecinpah at 2:59 PM on May 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
And here's a joke that's kinda what you want:
A Zen master walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
Hooo! Love that joke.
posted by Pecinpah at 2:59 PM on May 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
My favorite:
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
posted by disaster77 at 2:59 PM on May 2, 2014 [23 favorites]
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
posted by disaster77 at 2:59 PM on May 2, 2014 [23 favorites]
A stage manager walks into a bar.
Then she says, "Could someone put some glow tape on that?"
posted by xingcat at 3:02 PM on May 2, 2014 [23 favorites]
Then she says, "Could someone put some glow tape on that?"
posted by xingcat at 3:02 PM on May 2, 2014 [23 favorites]
A piece of rope walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
Bartender sighs, and points to the sign behind the bar: "WE DON'T SERVE ROPES"
Rope leaves the bar, goes off into an alley, contorts himself a bit as only a rope can do, and ruffles his hair a bit, before returning.
"Hey! Ain't you the rope that was just in here a second ago?"
"No...I'm a frayed knot."
posted by destructive cactus at 3:03 PM on May 2, 2014 [13 favorites]
Bartender sighs, and points to the sign behind the bar: "WE DON'T SERVE ROPES"
Rope leaves the bar, goes off into an alley, contorts himself a bit as only a rope can do, and ruffles his hair a bit, before returning.
"Hey! Ain't you the rope that was just in here a second ago?"
"No...I'm a frayed knot."
posted by destructive cactus at 3:03 PM on May 2, 2014 [13 favorites]
Descartes walks into a bar, and he stays there until last call.
"Hey, buddy, last call-- do you want anything else?"
"I think not!"
And poof, he disappears.
posted by jetlagaddict at 3:03 PM on May 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
"Hey, buddy, last call-- do you want anything else?"
"I think not!"
And poof, he disappears.
posted by jetlagaddict at 3:03 PM on May 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
Oh, and this:
A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender yells at him, "Hey! We don't serve your kind in here!" The string replies, "You don't serve string, huh?" The bartender reiterates, "Hell no, we don't!" The string pauses for a moment, then ties himself into a knot and messes up one of his ends. The bartender shouts, "Hey! I thought I told you we don't serve string in here! You're string, ain't ya?" The string replies, "Frayed knot."
Ba-dum-dum...PSSSHHHH!!
On edit: Whoops - double.
posted by Pecinpah at 3:03 PM on May 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender yells at him, "Hey! We don't serve your kind in here!" The string replies, "You don't serve string, huh?" The bartender reiterates, "Hell no, we don't!" The string pauses for a moment, then ties himself into a knot and messes up one of his ends. The bartender shouts, "Hey! I thought I told you we don't serve string in here! You're string, ain't ya?" The string replies, "Frayed knot."
Ba-dum-dum...PSSSHHHH!!
On edit: Whoops - double.
posted by Pecinpah at 3:03 PM on May 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
Two guys walk into a bar. Which is funny, because you'd think the second one would have seen it.
And my all-time favorite:
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, and again asks "Got any grapes?" The bartender yells, "Listen, you stupid duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck feet to the bar and use you as a bottle opener for the rest of your stupid duck life!"
The duck shrugs and leaves.
The next day the duck comes back to the bar. He hops up on the stool, looks the bartender straight in the eye, and asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
posted by Mchelly at 3:04 PM on May 2, 2014 [40 favorites]
And my all-time favorite:
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, and again asks "Got any grapes?" The bartender yells, "Listen, you stupid duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck feet to the bar and use you as a bottle opener for the rest of your stupid duck life!"
The duck shrugs and leaves.
The next day the duck comes back to the bar. He hops up on the stool, looks the bartender straight in the eye, and asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
posted by Mchelly at 3:04 PM on May 2, 2014 [40 favorites]
A Roman walks into a bar, and he orders a martinus. "Hey, don't you mean a martini?" Appalled, the Roman says, "If I wanted a double I would have said so!"
posted by jetlagaddict at 3:04 PM on May 2, 2014 [41 favorites]
posted by jetlagaddict at 3:04 PM on May 2, 2014 [41 favorites]
Grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Murray?"
I've now heard this told with three different names: Murray, Steve, and Leonard.
In my opinion, "Leonard" makes the joke twice as funny, but I have no idea why.
posted by /\/\/\/ at 3:04 PM on May 2, 2014 [11 favorites]
I've now heard this told with three different names: Murray, Steve, and Leonard.
In my opinion, "Leonard" makes the joke twice as funny, but I have no idea why.
posted by /\/\/\/ at 3:04 PM on May 2, 2014 [11 favorites]
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, "Olive? Or twist?"
posted by jetlagaddict at 3:05 PM on May 2, 2014 [19 favorites]
posted by jetlagaddict at 3:05 PM on May 2, 2014 [19 favorites]
So, a man walks into a bar and. . . wait, did I just say "bar?" Weird. I don't even have a southern accent. It's pronounced "bear."
Anyway.
Blood everywhere.
posted by logicpunk at 3:06 PM on May 2, 2014 [34 favorites]
Anyway.
Blood everywhere.
posted by logicpunk at 3:06 PM on May 2, 2014 [34 favorites]
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer...and a mop."*
*my father's favorite bar joke
posted by jetlagaddict at 3:07 PM on May 2, 2014 [14 favorites]
*my father's favorite bar joke
posted by jetlagaddict at 3:07 PM on May 2, 2014 [14 favorites]
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender growls, "We don't serve your kind here!" The mushroom says, "Why not?! I'm a fun-guy!"
posted by jetlagaddict at 3:09 PM on May 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by jetlagaddict at 3:09 PM on May 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
A termite walks into a bar and says,
"Excuse me, but where's the bar tender?"
posted by drjimmy11 at 3:12 PM on May 2, 2014 [14 favorites]
"Excuse me, but where's the bar tender?"
posted by drjimmy11 at 3:12 PM on May 2, 2014 [14 favorites]
A giraffe walks into a bar and says,
"The high balls are on me!"
posted by drjimmy11 at 3:13 PM on May 2, 2014 [9 favorites]
"The high balls are on me!"
posted by drjimmy11 at 3:13 PM on May 2, 2014 [9 favorites]
A horse walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
posted by cmcmcm at 3:13 PM on May 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by cmcmcm at 3:13 PM on May 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
A baby seal walks into a club.
posted by The otter lady at 3:15 PM on May 2, 2014 [15 favorites]
posted by The otter lady at 3:15 PM on May 2, 2014 [15 favorites]
A guy and his dog walk into the bar. Bartender says, "Your dog has to stay outside." Dude says,"But it's a talking dog. Bartender: "Prove it." So the guy says to the dog, "What's on top of a house?" Dog answers, "roof." Guy says, "Who's the greatest baseball player of all time? Dog goes, "roof." The bartender says, "That dog can't talk! Get out of here, both of you"! And just as the door is closing behind them, the dog pipes up, "DiMaggio?"
posted by wryly at 3:16 PM on May 2, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by wryly at 3:16 PM on May 2, 2014 [7 favorites]
A Zen master walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
He pays with a twenty and gets nothing back.
"What about my change?"
The vendor smiles.
"Change comes from within."
posted by inire at 3:27 PM on May 2, 2014 [20 favorites]
He pays with a twenty and gets nothing back.
"What about my change?"
The vendor smiles.
"Change comes from within."
posted by inire at 3:27 PM on May 2, 2014 [20 favorites]
There seems to be at least one web page that specializes in this.
posted by sciencegeek at 3:41 PM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by sciencegeek at 3:41 PM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Two whales walk into a bar. The bartender asks what they're having. The first whale says "mmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh". The second whale turns to him and says, "Go home, Ted, you're drunk."
posted by inire at 3:41 PM on May 2, 2014 [27 favorites]
posted by inire at 3:41 PM on May 2, 2014 [27 favorites]
A neutron walks into a bar and says, "How much does it cost for a beer?"
The bartender says, "For you? No charge."
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 4:03 PM on May 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
The bartender says, "For you? No charge."
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 4:03 PM on May 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
A poet and a translator walk into a bar. "Give me a beer," says the poet. "I suppose you'd better give him a beer," says the translator.
posted by perhapses at 4:04 PM on May 2, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by perhapses at 4:04 PM on May 2, 2014 [8 favorites]
'Three blokes go into a pub. I say three. Could be four or five.'
posted by permafrost at 4:07 PM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by permafrost at 4:07 PM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
A C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar. Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve minors here."
posted by in278s at 4:11 PM on May 2, 2014 [16 favorites]
posted by in278s at 4:11 PM on May 2, 2014 [16 favorites]
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the bar man gives her one.
posted by biffa at 4:26 PM on May 2, 2014 [20 favorites]
posted by biffa at 4:26 PM on May 2, 2014 [20 favorites]
Joss Whedon and George R.R. Martin walk into a bar. Someone you love dies.
posted by Jacqueline at 4:28 PM on May 2, 2014 [39 favorites]
posted by Jacqueline at 4:28 PM on May 2, 2014 [39 favorites]
Horatio, Benvolio, Cassio and Edgar walk into a bar. Everyone within a 30-mile radius drops dead.
posted by Pallas Athena at 4:34 PM on May 2, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by Pallas Athena at 4:34 PM on May 2, 2014 [7 favorites]
A French man walks into a bar, with a frog on his head.
Bartender says, "That's neat! Where'd you get that?"
The frog says, "Got'em in France. They got millions of 'em."
posted by China Grover at 4:36 PM on May 2, 2014 [13 favorites]
Bartender says, "That's neat! Where'd you get that?"
The frog says, "Got'em in France. They got millions of 'em."
posted by China Grover at 4:36 PM on May 2, 2014 [13 favorites]
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks "Does everyone want beer". The first and second logicians each say "I don't know", and then the third answers "Yes".
posted by alphanerd at 4:36 PM on May 2, 2014 [31 favorites]
posted by alphanerd at 4:36 PM on May 2, 2014 [31 favorites]
A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry - we don't serve food here."
posted by O9scar at 4:53 PM on May 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by O9scar at 4:53 PM on May 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
Man goes in a bar. Man goes on a bus. Man goes in a shop. Those mangoes get everywhere.
posted by corvine at 5:02 PM on May 2, 2014 [9 favorites]
posted by corvine at 5:02 PM on May 2, 2014 [9 favorites]
A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. Bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The duck - not the guy - says "Double scotch neat, this guys been on my ass all day."
posted by j_curiouser at 5:08 PM on May 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by j_curiouser at 5:08 PM on May 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
Because the pirate joke is well known, my favorite version came from a drunken botched version of the usual 'driving me nuts', replacing with the punchline: 'Yarr...its attached to my balls!'
posted by enfa at 5:26 PM on May 2, 2014 [19 favorites]
posted by enfa at 5:26 PM on May 2, 2014 [19 favorites]
A C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar. Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve minors here."
So the E-flat walks out and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
posted by Daily Alice at 5:37 PM on May 2, 2014 [27 favorites]
So the E-flat walks out and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
posted by Daily Alice at 5:37 PM on May 2, 2014 [27 favorites]
A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The frog looks at the bartender and says "hey would you get this guy off my ass?"
posted by Raybun at 5:41 PM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Raybun at 5:41 PM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
Heidegger's cat walks into a bar, and then it doesn't
posted by Raybun at 5:42 PM on May 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by Raybun at 5:42 PM on May 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
A limbo dancer walks into a bar. He lost.
posted by Karlos the Jackal at 5:52 PM on May 2, 2014 [14 favorites]
posted by Karlos the Jackal at 5:52 PM on May 2, 2014 [14 favorites]
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
posted by janey47 at 6:06 PM on May 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by janey47 at 6:06 PM on May 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
Two strings walk into a bar. First string walks up to the bartender, says "I'll have a beer." Second string walks up to the bartender, says "I'll have a beer too.}GbCxbxRFH%Apyg4M<7WBs?ZUw/ApL/adN" First string says, "You'll have to excuse my friend—he's not null-terminated."
posted by springo at 6:07 PM on May 2, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by springo at 6:07 PM on May 2, 2014 [7 favorites]
Common version across the military:
Two Marines (replace as necessary with other group you dislike) walk into a bar. No one is surprised.
posted by Etrigan at 6:10 PM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Two Marines (replace as necessary with other group you dislike) walk into a bar. No one is surprised.
posted by Etrigan at 6:10 PM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
A giraffe walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be twelve dollars. You know, we don't get many giraffes in this bar." The giraffe says, "With those prices, I'm not surprised."
posted by tallmiddleagedgeek at 6:11 PM on May 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by tallmiddleagedgeek at 6:11 PM on May 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
An old woman walks into a bar and the bartender asks: "Anheuser Busch?" She gives him a look and says, "just fine Sonny and how's your pecker? "
posted by chasles at 6:11 PM on May 2, 2014 [10 favorites]
posted by chasles at 6:11 PM on May 2, 2014 [10 favorites]
A neutron walks into a bar and says, "How much does it cost for a beer?"
The bartender says, "For you? No charge."
A cation runs into a bar shouting "HELP! I'VE LOST AN ELECTRON!"
"Are you sure?" asked the bartender.
"I'M POSITIVE!"
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:35 PM on May 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
The bartender says, "For you? No charge."
A cation runs into a bar shouting "HELP! I'VE LOST AN ELECTRON!"
"Are you sure?" asked the bartender.
"I'M POSITIVE!"
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:35 PM on May 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
A guy walks into a bar and pulls a little piano out of one pocket and a small man out of the other. and puts them both on the counter The small man then sits down and begins to play. "Where did ya get that?!" exclaims the bartender. "Well I have a magic bottle. You rub it and you get a wish. Want to try?" He then pulls an old bottle from his pocket and hands it to the bartender who rubs it, and the room fills up with thousands and thousands of ducks. "I didn't wish for a million 'ducks'," he yells over the quacking. "Yeah, and I didn't wish for a ten-inch pianist." says the guy.
posted by Poldo at 6:40 PM on May 2, 2014 [18 favorites]
posted by Poldo at 6:40 PM on May 2, 2014 [18 favorites]
Two fermions walk into a bar. First one says "I'll have a martini with a twist." The other says "Damn! I was going to order that!"
posted by mr vino at 6:43 PM on May 2, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by mr vino at 6:43 PM on May 2, 2014 [8 favorites]
Jane and Anne walk into a bar and discuss the Bechdel test.
posted by jetlagaddict at 6:55 PM on May 2, 2014 [28 favorites]
posted by jetlagaddict at 6:55 PM on May 2, 2014 [28 favorites]
A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.
The bartender says, "What are you doing in here with that pig?"
The woman answers, "It's not a pig. It's a duck."
To which the bartender replies, "Who's talkin' to you, lady?"
posted by gnossos at 7:37 PM on May 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
The bartender says, "What are you doing in here with that pig?"
The woman answers, "It's not a pig. It's a duck."
To which the bartender replies, "Who's talkin' to you, lady?"
posted by gnossos at 7:37 PM on May 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
posted by SisterHavana at 8:08 PM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by SisterHavana at 8:08 PM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry - we don't serve food here."
The ham sandwich cheerfully replies, "That's ok. I just want a coke."
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 8:17 PM on May 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
The ham sandwich cheerfully replies, "That's ok. I just want a coke."
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 8:17 PM on May 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
A neutrino goes into a bar. The bartender asks "What'll you have?
'Neutrino says, "Aw, nothing. I'm just passing through."
posted by rudd135 at 8:20 PM on May 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
'Neutrino says, "Aw, nothing. I'm just passing through."
posted by rudd135 at 8:20 PM on May 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
The bartender says, "we don't serve your kind here." A tachyon walks into a bar.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:22 PM on May 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:22 PM on May 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
The Pope and the Dalai Lama walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
posted by cmyk at 8:51 PM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
The bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
posted by cmyk at 8:51 PM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
In a bar in a remote Alaskan town, a newcomer hears people yell out numbers (#23, #56, etc.) and then everyone laughs. He asks the guy next to him what's going on, and he says the jokes have been told so many times, people just yell out their numbers instead of retelling them. So he yells out #27! but nobody laughs. The guy next to him says, "Some people can tell a joke, and some people can't."
posted by BlueHorse at 9:16 PM on May 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by BlueHorse at 9:16 PM on May 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
One of my favorites, but I got the text here since I'm terrible at telling jokes:
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
(Thanks for this thread!)
posted by mamabear at 9:24 PM on May 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
(Thanks for this thread!)
posted by mamabear at 9:24 PM on May 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
I always wondered how Dumbledore's joke would've ended. He starts telling one about a a troll, a hag, and a leprechaun who all go into a bar, but he's shut down by Professor McGonagall before he can continue.
posted by zadcat at 9:36 PM on May 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by zadcat at 9:36 PM on May 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
Rob Ford and Justin Bieber walk into a bar... Oh wait, you said a joke.
posted by piyushnz at 10:19 PM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by piyushnz at 10:19 PM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
These are horrible, horrible jokes, and I think I made up the second one long ago. But in the interest of completion:
A pregnant woman walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve pregnant women here."
She responds: "But do you deliver?"
---
A pregnant woman walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve pregnant women here."
She responds: "Can you serve me after birth?"
posted by Pater Aletheias at 10:34 PM on May 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
A pregnant woman walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve pregnant women here."
She responds: "But do you deliver?"
---
A pregnant woman walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve pregnant women here."
She responds: "Can you serve me after birth?"
posted by Pater Aletheias at 10:34 PM on May 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
A galaxy walks into a bar. The barman says 'You're barred'
posted by night_train at 12:47 AM on May 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by night_train at 12:47 AM on May 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one says he wants half a beer. The third one says he wants a fourth of a beer. The fourth wants half as much as that and so on. The bartender grows weary and pours two beers.
The first mathematician says, "Hey, how are we all going to get drunk off that?" The bartender says “You folks need to learn your limits.”
posted by yeti at 4:10 AM on May 3, 2014 [14 favorites]
The first mathematician says, "Hey, how are we all going to get drunk off that?" The bartender says “You folks need to learn your limits.”
posted by yeti at 4:10 AM on May 3, 2014 [14 favorites]
These were my kids' favorites, and they could never tell them right:
A man goes to a bar with his Chihuahua. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"
The guy, without missing a beat, says, "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender looks at the man, looks at the Chihuahua and says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
And...
A little piggy walks into the bar, gets drunk and asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and he rushes in, uses the facilities, thanks the bartender and leaves.
The next day, a little piggy walks into the bar, gets drunk and asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and he rushes in, uses the facilities, thanks the bartender and leaves.
On the third day, a little piggy walks into the bar, gets drunk and asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and he rushes in, uses the facilities, thanks the bartender and leaves.
And on the fourth day, a little piggy walks into the bar, gets drunk and asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and he rushes in, uses the facilities, thanks the bartender and leaves.
On the fifth day, a little piggy walks into a bar, gets drunk and starts to leave. The bartender says, "Hey! Aren't you going to use the bathroom?"
And the little piggy replies, "I'm the fifth little piggy. I go wee, wee, wee all the way home."
posted by kinetic at 4:48 AM on May 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
A man goes to a bar with his Chihuahua. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"
The guy, without missing a beat, says, "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender looks at the man, looks at the Chihuahua and says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
And...
A little piggy walks into the bar, gets drunk and asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and he rushes in, uses the facilities, thanks the bartender and leaves.
The next day, a little piggy walks into the bar, gets drunk and asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and he rushes in, uses the facilities, thanks the bartender and leaves.
On the third day, a little piggy walks into the bar, gets drunk and asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and he rushes in, uses the facilities, thanks the bartender and leaves.
And on the fourth day, a little piggy walks into the bar, gets drunk and asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and he rushes in, uses the facilities, thanks the bartender and leaves.
On the fifth day, a little piggy walks into a bar, gets drunk and starts to leave. The bartender says, "Hey! Aren't you going to use the bathroom?"
And the little piggy replies, "I'm the fifth little piggy. I go wee, wee, wee all the way home."
posted by kinetic at 4:48 AM on May 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
A galaxy walks into a bar. The barman says 'You're barred'
My old housemate claimed to have made up this joke for a competition in new scientist, which he won.
posted by biffa at 4:55 AM on May 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
My old housemate claimed to have made up this joke for a competition in new scientist, which he won.
posted by biffa at 4:55 AM on May 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: A youthful looking bacteria walks into a bar. New bartender behind the counter says, "Sorry, but I can't serve you". The bacteria says, "No really, it's okay, I'm staph."
(These don't stop being funny, I've been hooting my way down the list)
posted by mcbeth at 5:18 AM on May 3, 2014 [4 favorites]
(These don't stop being funny, I've been hooting my way down the list)
posted by mcbeth at 5:18 AM on May 3, 2014 [4 favorites]
From a friend:
A priest, a rabbi and a humpback whale walk into a bar. The priest says, "Oh, I'll just have a Coke. I'm writing a homily." The rabbi says, "Well, I can't drink, so I'll have a Coke too." The humpback whale says, "MAOUUUUUUUUUUOOOUUUOOUU."
posted by undue influence at 5:36 AM on May 3, 2014 [6 favorites]
A priest, a rabbi and a humpback whale walk into a bar. The priest says, "Oh, I'll just have a Coke. I'm writing a homily." The rabbi says, "Well, I can't drink, so I'll have a Coke too." The humpback whale says, "MAOUUUUUUUUUUOOOUUUOOUU."
posted by undue influence at 5:36 AM on May 3, 2014 [6 favorites]
Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down. Suddenly he hears a voice saying "Good evening sir, and may I say how handsome you're looking tonight!" The guy looks around... doesn't see anyone nearby. Puzzled, he gets back to his beer. A voice says "And my word, that's a smart outfit. Really suits you!". With some horror, the guy realises that the voice is coming from the bowl of peanuts on the bar in front of him. Shaken, he gets up and walks over to the jukebox, thinking some good music might drown out the impossible talking peanuts. As he reaches for a coin, an aggressive voice emerges from the jukebox.
"What the fuck are you looking at, you ugly fat shite?"
Reeling, the man looks around, but no... no nearby ventriloquists. The voice definitely came from the jukebox.
"I'm talking to you, shit-for-brains! Are you just gonna stand there gawping or are you gonna play some music, you slack-jawed cretin?"
Much distressed, the man stumbles back to the bar. The barman says, "Are you okay sir, you look... unwell."
"I'm.. I think I'm going mad. First the peanuts tell me how handsome I am, next the jukebox insults me."
The barman smiles understandingly and says, "Ah, well you see, the peanuts are complimentary but the jukebox is out of order."
posted by Decani at 5:53 AM on May 3, 2014 [19 favorites]
"What the fuck are you looking at, you ugly fat shite?"
Reeling, the man looks around, but no... no nearby ventriloquists. The voice definitely came from the jukebox.
"I'm talking to you, shit-for-brains! Are you just gonna stand there gawping or are you gonna play some music, you slack-jawed cretin?"
Much distressed, the man stumbles back to the bar. The barman says, "Are you okay sir, you look... unwell."
"I'm.. I think I'm going mad. First the peanuts tell me how handsome I am, next the jukebox insults me."
The barman smiles understandingly and says, "Ah, well you see, the peanuts are complimentary but the jukebox is out of order."
posted by Decani at 5:53 AM on May 3, 2014 [19 favorites]
A galaxy walks into a bar. The barman says 'You're barred'
I heard this one as "Shakespeare walks into a bar..."
posted by Etrigan at 6:15 AM on May 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
I heard this one as "Shakespeare walks into a bar..."
posted by Etrigan at 6:15 AM on May 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
Kinetic 3 said, "I can't believe you forgot this one!!!"
A guy walks into the bar at the top of the Hancock Tower in Boston and has some drinks and is there for a few hours.
Another guy comes and sits next to him.
The first guy who has been there for a while looks at the man and says to him, "You know there's a nice breeze outside and if you jump out it will blow you right back in."
The second guy doesn't agree and tells him to prove it. So the first guy jumps out the window and comes soaring right back in.
The second guy asks him to do it one more time. So, the first guy jumps out and the nice breeze takes him right back into the bar.
By now, the second guy is starting to believe him and decides he needs to try this. He then jumps out and falls down to his death.
The bartender turns to the first guy and says, "Superman, you're such an asshole when you're drunk."
posted by kinetic at 6:52 AM on May 3, 2014 [15 favorites]
A guy walks into the bar at the top of the Hancock Tower in Boston and has some drinks and is there for a few hours.
Another guy comes and sits next to him.
The first guy who has been there for a while looks at the man and says to him, "You know there's a nice breeze outside and if you jump out it will blow you right back in."
The second guy doesn't agree and tells him to prove it. So the first guy jumps out the window and comes soaring right back in.
The second guy asks him to do it one more time. So, the first guy jumps out and the nice breeze takes him right back into the bar.
By now, the second guy is starting to believe him and decides he needs to try this. He then jumps out and falls down to his death.
The bartender turns to the first guy and says, "Superman, you're such an asshole when you're drunk."
posted by kinetic at 6:52 AM on May 3, 2014 [15 favorites]
A horse walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Why the long face?" The horse says, "It's my wife. She's a real nag."
posted by Dolley at 7:00 AM on May 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Dolley at 7:00 AM on May 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Heidegger's cat walks into a bar, and then it doesn't posted by Raybun at 7:42 PM on May 2 [3 favorites +] [!]
That's Schrödinger, not Heidegger.
Anyways...John Kerry walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
posted by goethean at 9:07 AM on May 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
That's Schrödinger, not Heidegger.
Anyways...John Kerry walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
posted by goethean at 9:07 AM on May 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Anyways...John Kerry walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
"Vietnam."
posted by Etrigan at 10:09 AM on May 3, 2014 [5 favorites]
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
"Vietnam."
posted by Etrigan at 10:09 AM on May 3, 2014 [5 favorites]
This one is called the "Rob Potter joke," named for the kid we heard it from in middle school:
A guy walks into a bar and puts a shot glass down on a table. He says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty bucks I can sit on this barstool, you spin me around as fast as you want while I piss, and every single drop lands in that shot glass."
The bartender says, "Sure." The guy whips it out, the bartender spins him around, piss goes everywhere- on the bar, on the floor, some even hits the bartender in the face, but he just laughs, because he knows he made an easy fifty bucks.
The guy pays up. The bartender says, "I gotta know, buddy, why would you make such a stupid bet??"
The guy says, "I just bet that guy over in the corner a hundred bucks I could make you laugh by pissing in your face."
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:58 AM on May 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
A guy walks into a bar and puts a shot glass down on a table. He says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty bucks I can sit on this barstool, you spin me around as fast as you want while I piss, and every single drop lands in that shot glass."
The bartender says, "Sure." The guy whips it out, the bartender spins him around, piss goes everywhere- on the bar, on the floor, some even hits the bartender in the face, but he just laughs, because he knows he made an easy fifty bucks.
The guy pays up. The bartender says, "I gotta know, buddy, why would you make such a stupid bet??"
The guy says, "I just bet that guy over in the corner a hundred bucks I could make you laugh by pissing in your face."
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:58 AM on May 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
Mushroom walks into a bar, bartender says "We don't serve your kind here". The mushroom replies "Why not? I'm a FUN-GUY!"
posted by Snuffman at 1:16 PM on May 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Snuffman at 1:16 PM on May 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Dungbeetle walks into a bar, points at an empty seat and asks, "Is this stool taken?"
posted by thaths at 2:52 PM on May 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by thaths at 2:52 PM on May 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign on the wall that says "If you can make my horse laugh, I'll give you $50." He motions to the bartender and says "I'd like to give that a shot." The bartender says, "Ok, but I'll warn you - nobody has ever made the thing crack a smile, much less laugh." The man insists, and so they proceed to the stable out back of the bar. The man walks up to the horse and whispers something into the horse's ear, at which point the horse starts laughing uncontrollably. The bartender, surprised and confused, pays the man $50.
A week later, the same man sees a new sign in the bar: "If you can make my horse cry, I'll pay you $50. He signals the bartender, they head out back. The man walks up to the horse, does something with his hands, and the horse starts bawling - tears unmistakably rolling down its face.
The bartender hands over the money and says, "Ok, I'm done with these bets, but I have to know - how did you do it?" The man replies, "Well, last week, I told your horse that I had a bigger dick that he did. This week I showed him."
posted by namewithoutwords at 8:53 PM on May 3, 2014
A week later, the same man sees a new sign in the bar: "If you can make my horse cry, I'll pay you $50. He signals the bartender, they head out back. The man walks up to the horse, does something with his hands, and the horse starts bawling - tears unmistakably rolling down its face.
The bartender hands over the money and says, "Ok, I'm done with these bets, but I have to know - how did you do it?" The man replies, "Well, last week, I told your horse that I had a bigger dick that he did. This week I showed him."
posted by namewithoutwords at 8:53 PM on May 3, 2014
Pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel attached to the front of his pants. He sits down on a stool with great difficulty and orders some rum.
As the bartender's pouring his drink, he says "Hey, buddy, can't help but ask, but what's up with the ship's wheel attached to the front of your pants?"
Pirate says: "Arrr. It's drivin' me nuts!"
I told this joke to a British coworker once, and she just looked at me afterwards and said "yeah but, why does he have to be a pirate?"
posted by molecicco at 2:57 AM on May 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
As the bartender's pouring his drink, he says "Hey, buddy, can't help but ask, but what's up with the ship's wheel attached to the front of your pants?"
Pirate says: "Arrr. It's drivin' me nuts!"
I told this joke to a British coworker once, and she just looked at me afterwards and said "yeah but, why does he have to be a pirate?"
posted by molecicco at 2:57 AM on May 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
I have heard this joke frequently in the UK but never with a pirate as the protagonist.
posted by biffa at 5:28 AM on May 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by biffa at 5:28 AM on May 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
A hammer walks into a bar and says "Give me an ale."
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 2:28 PM on May 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 2:28 PM on May 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start having a few quiet drinks. As the night goes on, they get pretty drunk. The giraffe finally passes out near the pool tables and the man decides to go home.
As the man is leaving, he's approached by the barman who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"
"Hmph," says the man, "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
posted by craven_morhead at 8:44 AM on May 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
As the man is leaving, he's approached by the barman who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"
"Hmph," says the man, "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
posted by craven_morhead at 8:44 AM on May 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
The vendor smiles.
"Change comes from within."
So the zen master pulls a pistol out from his robe and asks for his change a second time.
The shocked vendor says, "I thought you'd be a pacifist!"
The master shrugs and replies, "This is my inner piece."
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 4:23 PM on May 8, 2014 [7 favorites]
"Change comes from within."
So the zen master pulls a pistol out from his robe and asks for his change a second time.
The shocked vendor says, "I thought you'd be a pacifist!"
The master shrugs and replies, "This is my inner piece."
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 4:23 PM on May 8, 2014 [7 favorites]
A horse walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables in its mouth. The bartender eyes the horse warily, then tells it, "You can stay—but don't you start nothing."
posted by Iridic at 1:37 PM on May 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Iridic at 1:37 PM on May 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
Byte walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey, buddy, what's wrong?"
"Parity error," says the byte.
"Yeah," says the bartender. "I thought you looked a bit off."
posted by The Bellman at 5:05 PM on July 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
"Parity error," says the byte.
"Yeah," says the bartender. "I thought you looked a bit off."
posted by The Bellman at 5:05 PM on July 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
2 Betazoids walk into a bar.
One says "I'll have the same."
posted by Mitheral at 6:02 PM on July 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
One says "I'll have the same."
posted by Mitheral at 6:02 PM on July 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
A ballerina walks into a barre…
posted by willF at 6:40 PM on July 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by willF at 6:40 PM on July 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
I told this joke to a British coworker once, and she just looked at me afterwards and said "yeah but, why does he have to be a pirate?"
I guy visiting Britain from America was told this joke: "A pedestrian, an equestrian, and a cyclist each passed a young lady who smiled and waved at each one. Which of them was actually acquainted with the lass?" The guy said he didn't know. "The horseman knew her!"
The man returns home and tells the joke to his buddies: "Three guys passed a girl, one was walking, one was riding a horse, and one was on a bike. She smiles and waves at each guy. Which of the guys actually knew her?"
The man's buddies shrug their shoulders and he says, "I don't know either, but the answer's horse shit."
posted by straight at 9:40 PM on July 23, 2014
I guy visiting Britain from America was told this joke: "A pedestrian, an equestrian, and a cyclist each passed a young lady who smiled and waved at each one. Which of them was actually acquainted with the lass?" The guy said he didn't know. "The horseman knew her!"
The man returns home and tells the joke to his buddies: "Three guys passed a girl, one was walking, one was riding a horse, and one was on a bike. She smiles and waves at each guy. Which of the guys actually knew her?"
The man's buddies shrug their shoulders and he says, "I don't know either, but the answer's horse shit."
posted by straight at 9:40 PM on July 23, 2014
A bear walks into a bar in Minneapolis, and sits down at a table. The waitress, wearing a dress that's just a little too tight, comes up and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Minneapolis." So the bear gets angry, eats her, then walks up to the bartender. "Can I get a beer?" The bear asks. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve beers to bears on drugs in bars in Minneapolis."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs!"
The bartender replies, "Oh, yeah? What about that bar bitch you ate?"
posted by thecaddy at 8:30 AM on July 24, 2014 [1 favorite]
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs!"
The bartender replies, "Oh, yeah? What about that bar bitch you ate?"
posted by thecaddy at 8:30 AM on July 24, 2014 [1 favorite]
« Older Making coffee/espresso at home for tiramisu recipe | Looking for good wireless speakers that sync... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
A man walks into a bar, he says ouch.
A man walks into a bar, his crippling alcoholism is tearing his family apart.
posted by jjmoney at 2:49 PM on May 2, 2014 [15 favorites]