you need to just let it go

July 13, 2007 7:03 AM

I quit my job 3 months ago and my former boss won't stop harassing/threatening me. Unfortunately, politely asking him to stop is not an option.

3 person company, i was the #2 guy. I resigned for multiple reasons, including his erratic and litigious behavior affecting my own reputation in the industry. I started my own company which he found out about 1 month later. yes i have a non-compete which i am adhering to the letter.

Since resigning, once a week or so i receive an e-mail or voicemail to the effect of "you're busted", "you're going to pay for this", "no one likes you", "i'm suing you tomorrow", "you have no idea of the legal battle you're up against". One note even threatened to send my wife an innapropriate e-mail i sent to a former intern (I did no such thing), and i have heard third hand that he has told former contacts that I was fired for stealing and doing 'very bad things'. No, suing him for defamation just escalates things, and no-one really believes him.

My lawyer says he is within his legal right to threaten suit, though true to form i know he never will. i have never responded to him, but he simply won't stop. he's obsessed. is there anything i can do here, his e-mails cause me to not focus on my business for several hours (or more). Clearly the 'eventually he will stop' isn't proving to be true.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (24 answers total)

Have you talked to your lawyer about a restraining order?
posted by SpecialK at 7:06 AM on July 13, 2007

Set up a filter so you don't have to see his emails. You might want to preserve them in case you need them at some point, but there is no reason you need to actually read them. If you get a voicemail from him, hit delete. It sounds like he is stalking you, so don't communicate with him at all.
posted by yohko at 7:09 AM on July 13, 2007

I don't know where you are located. In some parts of the world, this might fall under stalking or harassment. You might be able to get a restraining order.

Keep all the emails he's sending you. Print them and put them in a folder -- don't look at the contents, as it may distress you. Set your email to bounce messages from him. Do not respond to his emails. This may be enough to stop him.
posted by acoutu at 7:09 AM on July 13, 2007

Honestly, I would just block his email from my inbox. That way you can sort of stick it to him and not be bothered at the same time.

I would also send one response to him telling him firmly to stop. Keep a record of all his emails and your response, just in case you do decide to take further action in the future.
posted by greta simone at 7:09 AM on July 13, 2007

My lawyer says he is within his legal right to threaten suit, though true to form i know he never will.

Yeah, but he doesn't have the right to threaten suit over and over and over again. At some point he should either put up or shut up. Otherwise it is harassment. You should have various options to deal with harassment and I'm surprised your lawyer didn't bring any of them up.
posted by grouse at 7:12 AM on July 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

I would take a look at the book The Gift of Fear, by Gavin De Becker. It has pretty specific instructions for dealing with this sort of thing. I think, honestly, that GdB's book is almost a must-read for our society. It takes a thorough look at all sorts of threatening behavior, and also shows how often people respond to this sort of thing incorrectly.

I would try to summarize De Becker's recommendations, but honestly, it's been a few years since I've read the book, and you'll do better getting it from the source. You can get it for $7-8, as it's a mass market paperback, I think.

Of course, standard disclaimers apply: IANAL, IANAD, IAJAD (I am just a dude.) But give it a look. I think it will be worth your time.
posted by HighTechUnderpants at 7:21 AM on July 13, 2007 [9 favorites]

You and your wife/family are being threatened, stalked and harassed. A restraining order is in order. Make sure it includes keeping this guy away from your home/wife/family. All of the emails he is sending bolsters your case. Save them all, electronically and in hard copy.

If he's slandering you with untruths, he could find himself liable.

I am also sort of surprised your lawyer didn't mention this to you.
posted by jerseygirl at 7:23 AM on July 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

This is definitely harassment; I agree it's strange your lawyer hasn't discussed that with you - so strange that I'd start talking to another lawyer, as well as chat with the police about what your options are. Start recording his voicemails and saving his emails. If you haven't clearly told him to stop calling and emailing you, you should do that immediately, via email and/or via voicemail (record the call while you're leaving the message). Make it very clear you consider his behavior harrassment and will pursue it with the police if the calls and emails don't stop immediately.

Then, and this is key, report him to the police if he doesn't stop.
posted by mediareport at 7:24 AM on July 13, 2007

I'm with these folks.

I don't understand how a lawyer wouldn't tell you YOUR rights.
posted by ORthey at 7:26 AM on July 13, 2007

I have only two things to say:

1) you should never speak to him again in any form, electronic or otherwise. The only communication should be via your lawyer, that's why you're paying him.

2) in my personal experience, people like this are utterly unpredictable. Some back down at the first sign of legal resistance, others escalate, and a few go completely off the deep end. I'm not going to waste your time with pointless anecdote -- just be warned that I personally think you may not be able to predict his behavior as well as you think you can.
posted by aramaic at 7:33 AM on July 13, 2007

"no one likes you"

Heh. My response from that point onwards would be laughter. But it's obviously bothering you. I don't know if it will help, but here goes:

This person is petty, vindictive and small. You know what he really, really fears? That everyone else has a better life than him. More successful, more fun, more interesting, more popular. Whatever it is he values, it's obvious that you've got it in spades, else he wouldn't be trying to make you miserable.

You've already won, and it's important to remember that, but if you feel like twisting the knife a little and benefiting yourself along the way then start a company blog, turn off comments, and use it to talk about how great the whole startup thing is, how clients are flocking to you, etc. etc. His inability to pour vitriol into your wonderful life will give him ulcers.
posted by Leon at 7:39 AM on July 13, 2007

As others have suggested, treat the guy like a stalker--tell him you never want him to contact you again, and then become unreachable. Set up a filter that automatically forwards his emails to your lawyer unread (unless you can't afford to pay your lawyer to read harassing emails, in which case, just filter them into a folder or a separate email account that you don't have to see). Make sure you've got call display options on all your phones and let his calls automatically go to voicemail. Forward those messages to your lawyer or another voicemail system so you've got them but don't have to hear them.

If you're sending stuff away without reading/hearing it, you should check it occasionally for escalating threats (or get your lawyer to do it), but don't let it be an every day problem for you. Just sit down and read through a bunch of them at a time when you have the time and emotional strength to deal.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:40 AM on July 13, 2007

God, this is creepily familiar to me. I found out recently that a company I've done work for is not only telling lies about me internally but also externally to other people they'd like to work with. Because it's also a small niche within a larger industry where everyone more or less knows everyone, of course she immediately ran to me, introduced herself and told me what happened.

A lawyer friend of mine who's not licensed to practice here immediately -- and I mean immediately -- told me to hire counsel. Even if it's just a strongly-worded letter from your lawyer, it might help, because (and I hate to say this), depending on where you live, the police might laugh off your requests for a restraining order. I've heard some horror stories in that regard.

Keep track, too, of all the time *you* spend dealing with this -- this is something to ask your lawyer about, but there may be a way to sue him for economic damages for all the time he's caused you to spend dealing with his bullshit that takes you away from your new company. Good luck!
posted by bitter-girl.com at 7:55 AM on July 13, 2007

No really. Read THE GIFT OF FEAR. Do it today. Gavin de Becker addresses almost precisely your scenario - just read the intro and then go straight to chapter 8 "Persistance, Persistance: dealing with people who refuse to let go."
posted by minervous at 8:01 AM on July 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

In my experience (in a couple of states) it is pretty easy to get at least a temporary restraining order on someone to stop them from harassing you. I've seen a couple of instances where the mere fact that someone was served with papers changed their whole demeanor. If nothing else it makes further contacts that much more useful for an eventual hearing for a more permanent solution since part of the TRO usually states that all future contact should be through counsel. Sending someone's lawyer a note saying they are a jerk just doesn't seem as satisfying to people like that.
posted by frieze at 8:07 AM on July 13, 2007

minervous, could you clarify the general outlines of the "GIFT OF FEAR" strategy? Does it include instructions for dealing with harassment from a legal perspective - clearly state the person is not welcome, save all correspondence, etc, or is it more of a psychological "learn to live with it" approach? Just recommending a book is nice, but summarizing why its strategy is good would be better.
posted by mediareport at 8:13 AM on July 13, 2007

Very true, mediareport. Sorry for being, essentially, a redirect to the book. But I am not in in the same space as my bookshelf right now, and so don't have the book handy to get details, or even gist, right.

So. That said, let me try to provide details.

From what I can recall, the situation de Becker described that mirrors the OPs was a former colleague or consultant engaging in a campaign of harrassment and stalking of a man and his business. De Becker advised that all contact be recorded for possible legal use, but preferably in a way that allows the person being harrassed to not be subjected to it (forwarding all messages to de Becker's office for transcription without listening to them was one option). He advised his client to have NO contact with the stalker, because anything, even a registered letter saying STOP, was engagement, and engagement (attention) is exactly what a stalker wants.

(A point he repeatedly makes is that if someone with whom you want nothing to do is bothering you, then you have to have nothing to do with them. If after 15 voicemails in a row, you pick up the phone to tell them to stop, you've just effectively taught them that it takes 15 voicemails to get a response. And so they'll leave you 15 more.)

De Becker does recommend the full compliment of legal strategies, but deployed with sensitivity to what kind will be useful and what kind will escalate the stalker's behavior. He does a lot of personality profiling based on behavior analysis.

That's what I can recall. From afar and having last read the book two years ago.
posted by minervous at 8:55 AM on July 13, 2007

In a somewhat similar situation, on the advice of my lawyer I emailed the guy politely, told him I didn't want to hear from him anymore, and asked him to direct any further communications to the lawyer. That worked, but the next step would have been for my lawyer to send him a letter saying the same thing.
posted by wryly at 11:15 AM on July 13, 2007

This probably isn't a good idea, but after seeing the "no one likes you" line, I'd be tempted to call him up and tell him with a straight face that a 12-year-old has obviously gained access to his e-mail account and is sending you immature messages and that he might want to look into it.
posted by kindall at 2:21 PM on July 13, 2007

Mod note: jellicle and seth's comments removed—take the grudge match out of AskMe.
posted by cortex (staff) at 6:07 PM on July 13, 2007

I'm not sure you should be the one to tell ex-boss to quit sending threats and spreading lies. I mean, wouldn't that tempt him to come back with an "Oh yeah? What are you gonna do if I don't quit" communication? Don't you think having your lawyer do the deed would be more effective -- and you ARE paying this lawyer to represent you, right? Plus doesn't having the lawyer communicate with Mr. Nutball carry more weight with the cops (in case it goes that far). Or am I being naive?
posted by Smalltown Girl at 10:31 PM on July 13, 2007

PS, I do like kindall's idea!
posted by Smalltown Girl at 10:33 PM on July 13, 2007

Minervous is correct, with the summary of GdB. The guy is provoking a reaction. You need to show him his behavior will not generate a reaction, or the behavior will continue. The book also talks about how to interpret the things a stalker says. Stuff that sounds very threatening, taken at face value, may be much less dangerous than more innocuous sounding messages.
posted by HighTechUnderpants at 12:47 PM on July 15, 2007

suing him for defamation just escalates things

I know you said you don't want to do this but I want to offer a couple of points for reconsideration of it. If you were to file such a suit, he'd be a fool not to go into some kind of "quiet period" until it was resolved. Open the door to a suit and he'll either wise up and take you on in court, or hang himself given enough rope.

The other point is that filing the suit shows that you are willing to protest his slander in a court of law and believe you'll win. It's what an innocent person would do. Likely the suit would not amount to much in the end and you could even choose not to prosecute it very vigorously. But get it out there. I hope you're right and he's actually doing you no harm.

Short of that, I'd start fucking with him for fun. Every time he calls, play the sodomy song from Pulp Fiction into the phone. Every time he emails, send him a cutesy e-card in reply. Write a "casual encounters" ad seeking an abusive, ligitious jerk with a small penis to harass and berate you. Then send it to him.

If you really want to rise above this and ride it out, a sense of humor would help a lot.
posted by scarabic at 4:38 PM on July 17, 2007