How to handle an insecure friend
January 25, 2007 3:30 PM Subscribe
If you have a few insecure friends that obviously get bent-out-of-shape when you make plans without them, what is the best way to deal with the situation?
I have a friend that is pretty clingy. We get along great, but she tries to make plans with me ALL the time. I'm involved in a lot of groups and activities, so my time is divided up & I can't spend every free minute with her. When i have to decline an offer to get together, she starts in with insecure comments disguised as jokes - things like "OMG - so do you have a new BF (best frined)??". It's annoying and childish. We're 30. I don't lie about my plans either - i tell her "I'm going to dinner with___", or "I've been invited to ___."
I do like to spend time with her, and I do try to include her on plans, but she becomes difficult when I ask her to do something by saying "Oh, i have plans" and it's always vague. Then usually her "plans" fall through at the last minute & she ends up joining me. This has been happening a lot lately, and she contacts me less. And just recently she just sent me an email asking if "we're ok?" and that she's noticed "things have gone cool with us."
Am I reading into all this too much? Is she insecure that I don't like her? Is she envious that I spend time with others? How do I handle it without hurting her feelings?
I have a friend that is pretty clingy. We get along great, but she tries to make plans with me ALL the time. I'm involved in a lot of groups and activities, so my time is divided up & I can't spend every free minute with her. When i have to decline an offer to get together, she starts in with insecure comments disguised as jokes - things like "OMG - so do you have a new BF (best frined)??". It's annoying and childish. We're 30. I don't lie about my plans either - i tell her "I'm going to dinner with___", or "I've been invited to ___."
I do like to spend time with her, and I do try to include her on plans, but she becomes difficult when I ask her to do something by saying "Oh, i have plans" and it's always vague. Then usually her "plans" fall through at the last minute & she ends up joining me. This has been happening a lot lately, and she contacts me less. And just recently she just sent me an email asking if "we're ok?" and that she's noticed "things have gone cool with us."
Am I reading into all this too much? Is she insecure that I don't like her? Is she envious that I spend time with others? How do I handle it without hurting her feelings?
Be honest. Say this--that you are most certainly OK with her and a good friend. However, you have a lot of friends and you want variety and have some different times with different people. Tell her not to expect anything different, but that if you are booked for a certain night, not to feel offended or worry if you can't get together with her.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:53 PM on January 25, 2007
posted by Ironmouth at 3:53 PM on January 25, 2007
You can be honest - which will most likely hurt her feelings OR you can lie and let the misery continue.
Be forthright with her. You don't have to tell her she's an annoying twat but you can tell her it's generally annoying to have her make childish remarks about your plans - especially when she's cagey and non-committal until the last second when you do try to make plans with her. If she throws a hissyfit - tell her to grow up. Or you know, you could respond to her email with, "I'm okay but you need to chill out."
There's absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty about having a life and it's not your job to fix her social life.
She sounds like she's a pretty insecure person - I'm not sure how much of that really relates to you though. And she may be envious that you spend time with others because from the sounds of it - she has no one else to spend her time with.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 3:56 PM on January 25, 2007
Be forthright with her. You don't have to tell her she's an annoying twat but you can tell her it's generally annoying to have her make childish remarks about your plans - especially when she's cagey and non-committal until the last second when you do try to make plans with her. If she throws a hissyfit - tell her to grow up. Or you know, you could respond to her email with, "I'm okay but you need to chill out."
There's absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty about having a life and it's not your job to fix her social life.
She sounds like she's a pretty insecure person - I'm not sure how much of that really relates to you though. And she may be envious that you spend time with others because from the sounds of it - she has no one else to spend her time with.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 3:56 PM on January 25, 2007
I second being honest. If she is not letting you have a personal life, then it's not a friend, it's an infatuation. You should tell her that you need your time and that the relationship is worth it for you to have too.
posted by parmanparman at 3:56 PM on January 25, 2007
posted by parmanparman at 3:56 PM on January 25, 2007
Where I come from, etiquette calls for avoiding disclosing the identities of people with whom you have plans if you are talking to a mutual friend about these plans. This helps to avoid problems like this.
However, your friend's reaction is out of line. Perhaps you could suggest she get into some other activities. She might have this idea that, to be good friends, you have to see someone all the time. She might have grown up seeing that or perhaps that's how she envisions her life. A little coaching might go a long way, without forcing you to fix her social life or insecurities.
posted by acoutu at 4:12 PM on January 25, 2007
However, your friend's reaction is out of line. Perhaps you could suggest she get into some other activities. She might have this idea that, to be good friends, you have to see someone all the time. She might have grown up seeing that or perhaps that's how she envisions her life. A little coaching might go a long way, without forcing you to fix her social life or insecurities.
posted by acoutu at 4:12 PM on January 25, 2007
I have a friend like this. I know what how my friend would react if I "was honest" with her -- she would be deeply hurt, deny everything, and act as though I'm saying that I don't like her as much as she likes me, and that I, unlike her, have other friends. And really, that kind of is what I would be saying, isn't it?
It sucks. Me, I'm reaching the point where dealing with this person is just more drama than I need. I don't have an answer for you, Anonymous, but I sympathize -- you aren't the only woman north of thirty with this problem.
posted by Methylviolet at 4:51 PM on January 25, 2007
It sucks. Me, I'm reaching the point where dealing with this person is just more drama than I need. I don't have an answer for you, Anonymous, but I sympathize -- you aren't the only woman north of thirty with this problem.
posted by Methylviolet at 4:51 PM on January 25, 2007
(Others are giving you good advice, but let me suggest the Geek Social Fallacies as reading material. Despite the name, many non-geeks fall prey to them. It sounds like your friend has a bad case of #5 with a light sprinkling of #1-4 on top.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:47 PM on January 25, 2007 [3 favorites]
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:47 PM on January 25, 2007 [3 favorites]
Where I come from, etiquette calls for avoiding disclosing the identities of people with whom you have plans if you are talking to a mutual friend about these plans.
I don't know about this. If she's already getting bent out of shape about a perceived "cooling off" between the two, she's likely to see this as secretive and an intentional attempt to make her feel left out.
posted by Brittanie at 6:51 PM on January 25, 2007
I don't know about this. If she's already getting bent out of shape about a perceived "cooling off" between the two, she's likely to see this as secretive and an intentional attempt to make her feel left out.
posted by Brittanie at 6:51 PM on January 25, 2007
I have to agree somewhat with acoutu. You don't want to be too vague because that sounds like you're just making an excuse, but sometimes too many details can sound like bragging.
Perspective on these kinds of things differs. I would bet that to your friend, it certainly doesn't seem like she wants to spend "every free minute" with you.
Also, as far as the "cooling off" goes, your friend can probably tell you're irked about something, she just doesn't know what. She's probably embarassed that she doesn't have a huge circle of friends and activities that you do -- because it seems like you value that kind of lifestyle and she might feel indadequate -- so her excuses about having plans might be to make it seem like she's busier than she is.
I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to do a lot of activities every day. I've had to deal with several people who assume this means I'm some kind of anti-social hermit, and it took me a long time to be secure with myself about it. I used to think I had to prove I wasn't a hermit to these people. So I guess I might be thinking your friend has similar issues.
posted by smashingstars at 7:13 PM on January 25, 2007
Perspective on these kinds of things differs. I would bet that to your friend, it certainly doesn't seem like she wants to spend "every free minute" with you.
Also, as far as the "cooling off" goes, your friend can probably tell you're irked about something, she just doesn't know what. She's probably embarassed that she doesn't have a huge circle of friends and activities that you do -- because it seems like you value that kind of lifestyle and she might feel indadequate -- so her excuses about having plans might be to make it seem like she's busier than she is.
I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to do a lot of activities every day. I've had to deal with several people who assume this means I'm some kind of anti-social hermit, and it took me a long time to be secure with myself about it. I used to think I had to prove I wasn't a hermit to these people. So I guess I might be thinking your friend has similar issues.
posted by smashingstars at 7:13 PM on January 25, 2007
You could be honest about her more annoying habits and possibly hurt her feelings. If she is the fragile and needly little flower that she seems to be then this could possibly damage your friendship depending upon how you raise the subject.
Alternatively if you wanted to be a little more creative (and this probably takes more work than you want to put into it) you could possibly push her in directions where she'd have things to do other than pester you. Help her meet a guy or new female friends.
posted by wfrgms at 7:17 PM on January 25, 2007
Alternatively if you wanted to be a little more creative (and this probably takes more work than you want to put into it) you could possibly push her in directions where she'd have things to do other than pester you. Help her meet a guy or new female friends.
posted by wfrgms at 7:17 PM on January 25, 2007
Rip the band-aid off.
There are going to be hurt feelings, but what have you got to loose? Your friendship? If thinks keep going this direction, you'll loose the friendship anyway.
She's reaching out to you, looking for an explanation. What a perfect opportunity! Much better than springing it on her out of the blue!
Do it! It might hurt her for a bit, but it's not mean because you're not trying to hurt her. It sounds like she's a bit immature and could use a good life lesson in other people's boundaries. Do it for both of your sakes.
posted by Ookseer at 8:01 PM on January 25, 2007
There are going to be hurt feelings, but what have you got to loose? Your friendship? If thinks keep going this direction, you'll loose the friendship anyway.
She's reaching out to you, looking for an explanation. What a perfect opportunity! Much better than springing it on her out of the blue!
Do it! It might hurt her for a bit, but it's not mean because you're not trying to hurt her. It sounds like she's a bit immature and could use a good life lesson in other people's boundaries. Do it for both of your sakes.
posted by Ookseer at 8:01 PM on January 25, 2007
Why does everyone assume she is a "fragile and needly little flower". The way I had it explained to me in my youth was, introverts and extroverts were built two different ways.
Extroverts like to have many, many friends but this necessitates having less "depth" to each relationship. This is what they get a kick out of. They can (and do) develop deep relationships but its not the way they like to work.
Introverts well take that and switch it. Less of a group of friends but a lot more depth to each relationship because they have more time to spend on each. They can (and do) develop new friendships and have people that are just associates but its not the way they like to work.
Just sounds like her friend hasn't realized that she is close friends with someone who works in an entirely different way to what she thinks is right for a friendship. Extroverts and introverts can have very good solid friendships but they need to realize that they do operate differently otherwise they will expect the wrong thing.
Not that someone doesn't need to sit down with the friend and set things straight but give her a break dammit. Sounds like her friend is trying to be more of the friend anonymous needs but going the wrong way about it and hence not getting the response she expects.
posted by Gilgad at 8:22 PM on January 25, 2007
Extroverts like to have many, many friends but this necessitates having less "depth" to each relationship. This is what they get a kick out of. They can (and do) develop deep relationships but its not the way they like to work.
Introverts well take that and switch it. Less of a group of friends but a lot more depth to each relationship because they have more time to spend on each. They can (and do) develop new friendships and have people that are just associates but its not the way they like to work.
Just sounds like her friend hasn't realized that she is close friends with someone who works in an entirely different way to what she thinks is right for a friendship. Extroverts and introverts can have very good solid friendships but they need to realize that they do operate differently otherwise they will expect the wrong thing.
Not that someone doesn't need to sit down with the friend and set things straight but give her a break dammit. Sounds like her friend is trying to be more of the friend anonymous needs but going the wrong way about it and hence not getting the response she expects.
posted by Gilgad at 8:22 PM on January 25, 2007
it sounds like when you guys say this,
HER: wanna go out tomorrow?
YOU: sorry, i got invited to a party.
maybe her insecurity hears this:
HER: wanna go out tomorrow?
YOU: sorry, i got invited to a party. *and you didn't, because nobody likes you very much, and also i'm not inviting you because you're not cool enough. loser. i can't wait to replace you.*
doesn't sound like you're actually thinking mean stuff like that, but sometimes people hear their own bad thoughts in others' words. it sounds like she's in a place (hopefully temporarily) where she feels like nobody likes her- so you can either be tough, set her straight, and make it worse, or you could be extra-nice and build her confidence (while still maintaining your own social life). maybe you could try something like this:
HER: wanna go out tomorrow?
YOU: oh, crap, i can't tomorrow- but are we still on for dinner on wedesday? i really wanna see your new haircut / ask your advice about my lame boss / kick your ass in scrabble / catch up with you / etc.
quickly gloss over the NO, then reassure her that you truly like her by offering an enthusiastic and specific YES for next time. this won't work with a vague offer of "but we could hang out later"- try specifying a particular activity and date. sure, you're humouring her neediness a bit, but that's what friends do for friends who have hit insecure patches.
also, maybe you can preemptively show your affection when she's not begging for it- email her a list of "three things i like about alison" or be the bakery bandit and put a gingerbread man in her mailbox. no matter what the root cause of her neediness, being extra-nice will help her feel more "safe" about you, and better about herself. i think that's what friends are for.
posted by twistofrhyme at 8:56 PM on January 25, 2007 [5 favorites]
HER: wanna go out tomorrow?
YOU: sorry, i got invited to a party.
maybe her insecurity hears this:
HER: wanna go out tomorrow?
YOU: sorry, i got invited to a party. *and you didn't, because nobody likes you very much, and also i'm not inviting you because you're not cool enough. loser. i can't wait to replace you.*
doesn't sound like you're actually thinking mean stuff like that, but sometimes people hear their own bad thoughts in others' words. it sounds like she's in a place (hopefully temporarily) where she feels like nobody likes her- so you can either be tough, set her straight, and make it worse, or you could be extra-nice and build her confidence (while still maintaining your own social life). maybe you could try something like this:
HER: wanna go out tomorrow?
YOU: oh, crap, i can't tomorrow- but are we still on for dinner on wedesday? i really wanna see your new haircut / ask your advice about my lame boss / kick your ass in scrabble / catch up with you / etc.
quickly gloss over the NO, then reassure her that you truly like her by offering an enthusiastic and specific YES for next time. this won't work with a vague offer of "but we could hang out later"- try specifying a particular activity and date. sure, you're humouring her neediness a bit, but that's what friends do for friends who have hit insecure patches.
also, maybe you can preemptively show your affection when she's not begging for it- email her a list of "three things i like about alison" or be the bakery bandit and put a gingerbread man in her mailbox. no matter what the root cause of her neediness, being extra-nice will help her feel more "safe" about you, and better about herself. i think that's what friends are for.
posted by twistofrhyme at 8:56 PM on January 25, 2007 [5 favorites]
There's no need to hurt her feelings. Everybody has somebody like this in their life. Usually it's a parent another relative. It's no big deal. The way to deal with such people is to make the expectations of the relationship very clear. Try and strike up a routine e.g. watching a new movie together every other week or talking on the phone every week. If you tell her 'hey, let's do this again in a couple of weeks' or the like then she'll have something to look forward to and be assured that she's still a part of your busy life.
posted by nixerman at 10:33 PM on January 25, 2007
posted by nixerman at 10:33 PM on January 25, 2007
She is overreacting if you're hanging out with a different circle of friends.
If you're hanging out with mutual friends and excluding her, then I don't really think she is, unless you have a specific reason for her exclusion besides, well, just because. If you're hanging out with mutual friends and can use the phrase "We're all going out to...." then she should probably be invited. If you're meeting a mutual friend who you are very close friends with and she isn't, then its ok to exclude her. If you're meeting one or two mutual friends for a special event, then its ok.
Just my opinion.
posted by mhuckaba at 11:30 PM on January 25, 2007
If you're hanging out with mutual friends and excluding her, then I don't really think she is, unless you have a specific reason for her exclusion besides, well, just because. If you're hanging out with mutual friends and can use the phrase "We're all going out to...." then she should probably be invited. If you're meeting a mutual friend who you are very close friends with and she isn't, then its ok to exclude her. If you're meeting one or two mutual friends for a special event, then its ok.
Just my opinion.
posted by mhuckaba at 11:30 PM on January 25, 2007
I second GilGad: she may have different expectations from friendship than you. Some people like close, fairly intense, best friends do-everything-together type of friendship. Clearly that's not what you want.
And she may well be insecure as well of course, and doesn't know what kind of distance is appropriate. So she says she has plans when maybe she hasn't - it's almost like dating and playing hard-to-get in the belief that if she's too available when you want her, she'd lose you. Especially if she feels (rightly or wrongly) like you've been declining her invitations all the time - it may be her way to salvage some self-respect and balance the relationship in her mind.
Sounds like it may well be a mixture of the two. She is insecure that you don't like her. And maybe she doesn't have as many friends as you do right now, so she's putting all her eggs in one basket, so to speak. I think she would actually really appreciate you being straight with her - rather than being deliberately clingy, she may just be a little clueless. Sounds like insecurities aside, you do like her as a person - so there's no reason to be unkind. Talk to her, ask her everytime she says things like "so do you have a new BF?? " why she's saying it - she can only brush it off as it's a joke so many times before she either stops saying it or tells you her reasons behind it. And now that she's emailed you asking "Are we okay?", it seems the perfect opportunity to ask her why she thinks things are not okay, and see if you can tease it out of her, and be honest and direct in communicating how you see your relationship with her and what the appropriate distance is. And in future, be honest and direct (without being cruel) whenever her insecurity really annoys you. Let her know - if you're not cruel about it I bet she'd appreciate it. It takes a bit of effort yes, but from you saying you do like to spend time with her, it sounds like it'd be worth it. She probably just needs a bit of a pointer as to her place in your world.
posted by Ira.metafilter at 5:51 AM on January 26, 2007
And she may well be insecure as well of course, and doesn't know what kind of distance is appropriate. So she says she has plans when maybe she hasn't - it's almost like dating and playing hard-to-get in the belief that if she's too available when you want her, she'd lose you. Especially if she feels (rightly or wrongly) like you've been declining her invitations all the time - it may be her way to salvage some self-respect and balance the relationship in her mind.
Sounds like it may well be a mixture of the two. She is insecure that you don't like her. And maybe she doesn't have as many friends as you do right now, so she's putting all her eggs in one basket, so to speak. I think she would actually really appreciate you being straight with her - rather than being deliberately clingy, she may just be a little clueless. Sounds like insecurities aside, you do like her as a person - so there's no reason to be unkind. Talk to her, ask her everytime she says things like "so do you have a new BF?? " why she's saying it - she can only brush it off as it's a joke so many times before she either stops saying it or tells you her reasons behind it. And now that she's emailed you asking "Are we okay?", it seems the perfect opportunity to ask her why she thinks things are not okay, and see if you can tease it out of her, and be honest and direct in communicating how you see your relationship with her and what the appropriate distance is. And in future, be honest and direct (without being cruel) whenever her insecurity really annoys you. Let her know - if you're not cruel about it I bet she'd appreciate it. It takes a bit of effort yes, but from you saying you do like to spend time with her, it sounds like it'd be worth it. She probably just needs a bit of a pointer as to her place in your world.
posted by Ira.metafilter at 5:51 AM on January 26, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
If she's 30 years old, it is time for her to leave DeGrassi life behind.
Yes, she's insecure, envious, jealous, all of that. She needs to get over it, and either you, or another person, will be the catalyst to her learning that life lesson.
posted by Ynoxas at 3:48 PM on January 25, 2007