Second date filter: How long to wait for the second date phone call?
December 23, 2006 7:47 PM   Subscribe

Second date filter: How long to wait for the second date phone call?

Any advice if I should expect a call for a second date? I realize every situation is different....I had a great date with a 37 year old man, we met on the web, we are both single professionals. We double dated with anther couple, friends of his. Picked me up on time, had a great diner and there was plenty of appropriate physical contact, arm around shoulder, shared of each others plates, snuggled under the umbrella, laughing, eye contact and flirting. Dropped me off after diner at my hotel, kiss on each cheek and a peck on the mouth.
Will he call again? How long should I wait for his call? Should I make the move? Help me get insight on a 37 year old man's thinking in relationships?!
posted by sandrapbrady to Human Relations (34 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
There is no way we can tell you if he will call again. Not if you gave us video and a transcript.

As for how long you should wait for his call, I think you have two choices, depending on whether or not you are willing to call him. Either decide you would like him to call, and give up on the idea of him ever calling now, or decide you would like to call him, and give yourself a deadline. Assuming the date was this weekend, and Monday is Christmas, I say call on Tuesday. Do not decide you'd like him to call and then call him in two weeks when he hasn't called you. It will be the most ackward phone call of your life.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:03 PM on December 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

I hate dating rules. They're lame. But the dating rules, as I understand them, are as follows: after a date, the woman waits needlessly by the phone. The man is to wait three days and then call.
However, those rules suck. I say if you want to call him, you should do it. He'd probably be flattered to hear back from you, and it gets the ball rolling sooner. And if he doesn't want a second date, at least you know right away instead of worrying over it.
Given that it's the holiday season, he likely won't be able to see you again right away. If he says "Oh, I'm really busy, I'll call you again some other time..." or something general like that, then he may not be interested. If he gives you some specifics ("I'm busy for the next few days, but would love to see you Thursday or Friday.") then you're good to go.
posted by Help, I can't stop talking! at 8:04 PM on December 23, 2006 [2 favorites]

Amen, Help. Life's too short.
posted by asuprenant at 8:08 PM on December 23, 2006

I am a 36 year old man. I will be 37 in two weeks. You should call him if you would like to go out again. Why not? If for some reason he has doubts about your interest, then he might not call. That is the reason that you call.

If calling him scares him off (you are too interested or stalking, etc), then he is ultimately a superficial idiot that you don't want to waste your time on anyway. Hopefully, he will call you anyway.

I would very much enjoy it if a woman called me after a first date.
posted by flarbuse at 8:08 PM on December 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

She called me before I'd gotten home from our first date (we'd met via an online personal, and had never spoken before). We're married now. Call him today (well, it's late; you can wait until tomorrow).
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:27 PM on December 23, 2006

Call him for bob's sake.


We're waiting...
posted by Jimbob at 8:28 PM on December 23, 2006

appropriate physical contact, arm around shoulder, shared of each others plates, snuggled under the umbrella, laughing, eye contact and flirting.

All signs point to yes. You should call him, but you can always wait a day to see if he calls first.

If he calls first, then you have hand.
posted by dhammond at 8:41 PM on December 23, 2006

It could be a situation where both of you are trying not to appear desperate. I learned to play it like that when I was in my 20s. I'd say the safe move would be to call but suggest a brief noncommittal date (like coffee or lunch) to test the waters and see what kind of response you get. If you get a decline, then hope for the best but don't call again. Otherwise, if you choose to wait it out, I think 7 days is a superb benchmark for gauging whether it's over.
posted by rolypolyman at 8:42 PM on December 23, 2006

Help is correct — there are no rules. If you feel like calling him, call him. The end.
posted by Brittanie at 8:42 PM on December 23, 2006

Most likely, he has already made up his mind on whether or not he is going to date you again. As long as you don't call the same night you went out, call him and get it over with.
posted by Foam Pants at 8:46 PM on December 23, 2006

Almost five years ago, I had a great first date with a man I'd met on the web. He was "Ad of the Week" in the "Matches" section of Washington D.C.'s Citypaper.

He walled me home. (He later told me that he had been looking for an "IN"). When we reached my front step, he was too nervous to kiss me... so I kissed him. I called and left a message on his answering machine before he had gotten home.

We're married now. Call him now... unless you're on EST. Then call tomorrow.
posted by eviltiff at 8:53 PM on December 23, 2006

You should call him, but you can always wait a day to see if he calls first.

I'm against this- you either specifically want him to call you, or you don't care who calls who. If you want him to call, and you "wait" for him to call, and then call him, you're coming at the situation feeling somewhat rejected right off the bat. This is why I think it's a bad idea to "wait". You have to know what *you* want to do. I agree with everyone else who says you should call (or e-mail or communicate online by method of choice, if that would be appropriate, but I'm guessing since you mentioned calling, calling would be best).
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:55 PM on December 23, 2006 [4 favorites]

Don't call him until after January 1st. The end of the year is an awkward time to start going out with someone; 37-year-old guy wonders if he should get a present for someone he just met, he may have pre-made New Year's Eve plans that he can't get out of and doesn't feel comfortable inviting someone new to, needs to spend time with his kids from his last marriage, etc. Plus, asking a gal out for New Year's Eve might imply more than he's willing to commit to right now.

You (sandrapbrady) probably want a date for New Year's Eve, but forget about it. Have fun on your own or with your friends; if he hasn't called by January 2nd and you're still thinking about him, call him up then and have a plan for a date (dinner or movie or whatever) ready. This'll give you six weeks to figure things out before Valentine's Day.
posted by mistersix at 8:56 PM on December 23, 2006

Mike: So how long do I wait to call?
Trent: A day.
Mike: Tomorrow.
Sue: Tomorrow, then a day.
Trent: Yeah.
Mike: So two days?
Trent: Yeah, I guess you could call it that, two days.
Sue: Definitely, two days is like industry standard.
Trent: You know I used to wait two days to call anybody, but now it's like everyone in town waits two days. So I think three days is kind of money. What do you think?
Sue: Yeah, but two's enough not to look anxious.
Trent: But I think three days is kind of money. You know because you...
Mike: Yeah, but you know what, mabey I'll wait 3 weeks. How's that? And tell her I was cleaning out my wallet and I just happened to run into her number.
Charles: Then ask her where you met her.
Mike: Yeah, I'll ask her where I met her. I don't remember. What does she look like? And then I'll asked if we fucked. Is that... would that be... T, would that be the money?
Trent: You know what. Ha ha ha Mike, laugh all you want but if you call too soon you might scare off a nice baby who's ready to party.
Mike: Well how long are you guys gonna wait to call your babies?
Trent, Sue: Six days.
posted by Stynxno at 9:12 PM on December 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

I'm a 34 yo male and I say call him if at least to solidify the fact that you enjoyed the time you had w/him and maybe a second date might come out of simple chat and/or banter.

kudos to flarbuse and dhammond although I read no further.

Like 'the hand' ref.
posted by prodevel at 9:14 PM on December 23, 2006

Rules are for elementary school playgrounds.

Call whenever you want.

It's not like you guys were on the road to relationship perfection, and you somehow suddenly ruined it all by calling 24 hours too soon. That stuff is idiocy.
posted by Ynoxas at 9:32 PM on December 23, 2006

Calling him once a few days after the date won't scare him. Calling him 20 times will.
posted by neuron at 9:37 PM on December 23, 2006

If you met online, is email or chatting an option? Might be less obtrusive.

I asked someone out in the library at school once. We saw a movie, I was ambivalent, and she sorta acted like she wasn't free after that. I saw her eight months later and she was engaged, and she sounded angry when she told me, like I had done something.

Humanity is ineffable.
posted by craniac at 10:10 PM on December 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

Call him, for Pete's sake.

"I had a great time with you last night, and I'm booked with family stuff for the next week or so, but how would you like to go out for dinner/movie/whatever after all this holiday stuff is over?"

Neatly sidesteps any problems around scheduling NYE or getting Xmas gifts.

Dating rules are fucking stupid.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:38 PM on December 23, 2006

Interesting to see so many people say 'rules are for idiots' but if the genders were reversed, he'd be "creepy" and "pushy" for calling too soon. If he doesn't return your call, give it a week, call again, and give up if he doesn't call back.

Anyway, if you had a good time, go ahead and call whenever you feel like it. Set something up. I'd say "wait at least one night" but you don't have to.
That goes for both sexes. Neither sex should be saddled down by dumbass 'dating rules.'
posted by drstein at 11:27 PM on December 23, 2006

Wait, how did you guys end the date? Did he say he'd call? Did you guys talk about getting together again? How long ago was this date? And how old are you? And why did he drop you back at your hotel, where you traveling or just living in a hotel at the moment?

Something isn't adding up in your description. If it was as great as you say, then plans would usually be made to do it again.

You sound completely smitten with him. If you no plans were made, then call him. If tentative plans were made, like he said "I'll call you in a couple of days", well, call him anyway, let'em know you're interested.

But first answers some questions for us to a better read on things.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:25 AM on December 24, 2006

A friend of mine, gorgeous, brilliant, successful (you've seen her on TV) went on a date with a guy she thought was terrific. There were major sparks at dinner, they ended up making out on the street for hours, it was in all respects the best date ever. He never called her again.
The point being: men are insane. Call him or send a "thanks for a great evening, want to go out again?" email - then you'll know.
posted by CunningLinguist at 6:18 AM on December 24, 2006

Call. The suitcase nuke may already be in the trunk of a car headed your way.
posted by StickyCarpet at 7:14 AM on December 24, 2006

drstein: I agree 100%. My advice would be the same regardless of which gender I was addressing.

Dating rules are very high school to me.
posted by Ynoxas at 7:37 AM on December 24, 2006

Interesting to see so many people say 'rules are for idiots' but if the genders were reversed, he'd be "creepy" and "pushy" for calling too soon.

IMrecentE, the "rules" are only applicable when at least one person (either gender) hasn't clearly reached the "I'm really interested in you" threshold. The three-day buffer a) shows that you are genuinely interested and b) gives the other person enough time to breathe in case they are not as interested. If you haven't clearly won them over after one date, you may have to play your cards exactly right to keep things going. Call an uninterested person too soon and they will most likely think you're pushy or creepy for trying to rush things.

But if you think things went well, you feel strongly enough about the person and you have the guts to go all-or-nothing, you don't need the safety of the rules. Throw them out the window. The potential payoff is great (and shows that rules are often a load of shit), but you have to be OK with the risk of scaring off someone who may not be on the same page as you -- because they may still be following the rules. (The problem is figuring out who's playing by the rules and who isn't...but that's how the Dating Game goes. Lose, and you move on. Win, and you've won.)
posted by phatkitten at 9:47 AM on December 24, 2006 [2 favorites]

I agree that rules suck in lieu of dating but fact is they exist. I wish they didn't with all my being, colon and all, but they do, exist that is.

I say wait until he makes contact first but if you really really cannot go without contact (even though there is no guarantee he will respond...) then I would go with dirtynumbangleboy's suggestion.
posted by mycapaciousbottega at 10:05 AM on December 24, 2006

As Brandon Blatcher said, there's some information missing:

- Hotel??

- How did you say goodbye?

How long ago was this? I cant help but shake the feeling that you're asking this question because instinctively you already know its been too long and you're trying to get something quantitative to back up your feelings...
posted by vacapinta at 10:52 AM on December 24, 2006

Definitely don't call too soon. Traditionally the guy pursues the girl and it's a little offsetting (to me at least) if the girl is very pushy/forward about things. The advice from Swingers is actually pretty good. If you haven't heard in a week, then a call would be appropriate. The holidays are a really busy time though so don't feel like you missed out if the call takes a while. A casual phone call from you is fine anytime. Good luck!
posted by bangitliketmac at 11:30 AM on December 24, 2006

bangitliketmac writes "Traditionally the guy pursues the girl and it's a little offsetting (to me at least) if the girl is very pushy/forward about things."

Yes, and traditionally men ask fathers if they can marry the girl before even asking the girl. Your point? PLaying into gender stereotypes only ensures you're going to end up in a relationship with those same stereotypes. Throw that shit out. Girls: CALL BOYS IF YOU LIKE THEM.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 12:12 PM on December 24, 2006

Thanks guys, you know it's not that easy knowing if you should wait or not before getting in touch with the guy. Soooo many people say to let the man wait and pursue.....
I emailed him a nice and casual email. We will see from here.
Why the hotel? Because I was in town visiting and did not want to go to a strangers house for a sleepover.....that was not the point of the date.

Thanks for your feedback
posted by sandrapbrady at 12:49 PM on December 24, 2006

Adding another voice to, "if you want to call him, call him."

Ask yourself this: if he's someone who won't ever want to talk to/see you when you want to talk to/see him, what's the point in fretting?

Life's too short, indeed.
posted by poweredbybeard at 8:34 PM on December 24, 2006

Why not call him today with the guise of wishing him a Merry Christmas?

Unless his last name is Goldstein, or something, in which case, think twice before calling.
posted by rossination at 1:51 PM on December 25, 2006

So did you call?
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 4:44 AM on December 27, 2006

hi there.... reading this thread with interest as I'm currently myself 'waiting by the phone on day 3 after the second date with a guy i really like!'. I've read the rules and the he's just not that into you book, and although i hated them - every modern egalitarian feminist bone of me screamed nooooo!!! girls should be able to call the guys if they want, equally - at the same time, thinking back on when it's been 'on', it's always been so obvious from the guy, no need to wait by the phone, like that txt you get right afterwards and so on. so waiting three days and not hearing from him 'could' mean, (for me) 'he's just not that into me'. If that's true, a txt from me ain't gonna convince him otherwise: and if it isn't true, then I am I training him to be the 'lazy' one in the relationship, who knows i'll always txt or call to set up the date, i.e. be the one who's 'more keen'? The biggest part of me only wants the guy in my life to be crazy over, who wants me. I'm not like a kind of chick who picks the ones who aren't keen to reflect some deep i'm not good enough complex. so back to you - the originator of the thread. yes it was interesting that only quite far through the thread you disclosed that a) it was internet dating b) you went to his town and c) you stayed in a hotel and d) you have already emailed him. I say - enough. you've already broken quite a few of the 'rules' (talkin about the book of that name) which is don't go to him, let him come to you the first 2 times at least. and as for making first contact after the date, well you sort of blew it because i think any contact the girl makes, first, sort the guy the upper hand on a platter. if you want to do that, do - but I think it's much better to keep the hand if you can, if only, because girls are much likely to lose the plot prematurely about a guy (marry him in your head, name your first children, come on admit it gals) whereas guys i think are different. could be wrong here... but i reckon that internet date boy - is sounding like he's just not that into you.
a bit like my one, who after two amazing dates and hasn't called me after three days, might not be that into me either. (still time for him to come back with a killer third date offer - but i won't be holding my breath, and have already made plans for this weekend with my friends, so that 'even if' he calls with the killer date, he will have to wait, won't he - because I am booked.!) as far as the books go - rules, plus he's just not that into you, they do sound hideously manipulative if you haven't read them, BUT they are actually just about self-respect - people with self-respect actually do these supposed 'rules' naturally anyway. good luck in this dating game. i agree with the person who says the 'rules' are more important when one person has definitely reached the 'i'm interested' threshold, but the other one hasn't quite, and could still go either way. i think very important not to smother, this goes for either sex. smothering reeks of desperation (for either sex) i think. good luuuuuuuck
posted by barbalicious at 3:26 AM on September 5, 2007

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