Am I overreacting to my husband's new drinking habits?
November 27, 2006 9:03 PM Subscribe
Am I overreacting to my husband's new drinking habits?
My husband has started drinking a lot more since he's been promoted to upper management. We've been married for over a decade, and in the last month, he's had more to drink than he's had in probably the 10 years. Because I grew up with alcoholics, and because *I* tend towards alcoholism, I quit drinking a few years ago, although I'll still have a glass of wine now and again. I provide that info just to explain that perhaps I'm seeing a problem where none exists.
My husband has started going through a full size bottle of liquor every week. He makes a drink when he gets home, and pretty much nurses a drink until he goes to bed. I've never seen him drunk, or even slurring his speech. I wouldn't let him drive or anything, but he's not turning into a stereotypical sloppy drunk. But then, my grandfather died of cirrhosis of the liver at 59, and he was never drunk either. He just never was without a glass.
Am I reacting to my own programmed buttons about booze, or is this actually an excessive amount of alcohol? Is there a good way to say to someone "Your new drinking habit worries me a little, is there a reason that it has ramped up lately?" without it sounding confrontational or judgmental?
My husband has started drinking a lot more since he's been promoted to upper management. We've been married for over a decade, and in the last month, he's had more to drink than he's had in probably the 10 years. Because I grew up with alcoholics, and because *I* tend towards alcoholism, I quit drinking a few years ago, although I'll still have a glass of wine now and again. I provide that info just to explain that perhaps I'm seeing a problem where none exists.
My husband has started going through a full size bottle of liquor every week. He makes a drink when he gets home, and pretty much nurses a drink until he goes to bed. I've never seen him drunk, or even slurring his speech. I wouldn't let him drive or anything, but he's not turning into a stereotypical sloppy drunk. But then, my grandfather died of cirrhosis of the liver at 59, and he was never drunk either. He just never was without a glass.
Am I reacting to my own programmed buttons about booze, or is this actually an excessive amount of alcohol? Is there a good way to say to someone "Your new drinking habit worries me a little, is there a reason that it has ramped up lately?" without it sounding confrontational or judgmental?
By full size bottle every week, I assume you mean one liter. I would not call this excessive, or even unusual for the masses. However, the important issue here is that you've noticed a change in his behavior and it's worrying you. Talk to him about it. Do you talk to him about his job? His new responsibilities are probably adding a lot of extra stress to his days--the sort of stress he may not be used to. If his company is at all like mine, upper management is a very political arena with lots of potential backscratching or backstabbing. What I'm saying is that the real problem is probably work related stress, and the drinking is just a side effect. Ask him about his job. Talking can be a great way to cope with stress, too.
posted by mauglir at 9:29 PM on November 27, 2006
posted by mauglir at 9:29 PM on November 27, 2006
It could be the stress of being in Upper Management. Or maybe he's finally able to afford the good booze. How old is he? What does he weigh? Is he usually the only one drinking? Do his colleagues also drink faily heavily? Does he have any health problems that booze would aggravate and/or is he taking any prescription medications that can cause bad interactions?
A fifth a week doesn't sound excessive to me, I've known of people drinking that much in one day, but of course I don't know if that's excessive for him. As for asking him, well, why don't you? Assuming the worst that will happen is he'll tell you to mind your own business, you might even get a straight honest answer.
posted by davy at 9:33 PM on November 27, 2006
A fifth a week doesn't sound excessive to me, I've known of people drinking that much in one day, but of course I don't know if that's excessive for him. As for asking him, well, why don't you? Assuming the worst that will happen is he'll tell you to mind your own business, you might even get a straight honest answer.
posted by davy at 9:33 PM on November 27, 2006
The unusual thing about this story isn't that he started drinking more; it's that you're afraid to talk to him about it. You are articulate and describe the situation eloquently, with a good deal of insight into what your own issues are and your uncertainty about whether your husband is developing a problem or not.
Being promoted to upper management is stressful. Alcohol can relieve stress. Something else that can relieve stress is talking to your husband about what's going on in his life, and more importantly allowing him to talk about it.
So I suggest talking to him about it. But rather than making your issues and your discomfort the focus of the conversation, I suggest making the conversation be about him; point out that you've noticed some changes, and ask what are the motives and reason that might be underlying them.
If you do this, however, you must then be prepared to set your own issues aside for a few minutes and really listen to what he has to say. You may discover that he has stresses or worries that he's been afraid or unable to communicate to you.
posted by ikkyu2 at 10:14 PM on November 27, 2006
Being promoted to upper management is stressful. Alcohol can relieve stress. Something else that can relieve stress is talking to your husband about what's going on in his life, and more importantly allowing him to talk about it.
So I suggest talking to him about it. But rather than making your issues and your discomfort the focus of the conversation, I suggest making the conversation be about him; point out that you've noticed some changes, and ask what are the motives and reason that might be underlying them.
If you do this, however, you must then be prepared to set your own issues aside for a few minutes and really listen to what he has to say. You may discover that he has stresses or worries that he's been afraid or unable to communicate to you.
posted by ikkyu2 at 10:14 PM on November 27, 2006
Am I overreacting to my husband's new drinking habits?
No, any sudden change in "coping" behavior is reasonable cause for concern.
Meanwhile is he only drinking at home, or is there the usual drinks over lunch, business meetings at the bar, etc which would add to the total you're concerned about.
posted by scheptech at 10:17 PM on November 27, 2006
No, any sudden change in "coping" behavior is reasonable cause for concern.
Meanwhile is he only drinking at home, or is there the usual drinks over lunch, business meetings at the bar, etc which would add to the total you're concerned about.
posted by scheptech at 10:17 PM on November 27, 2006
750ml of hard liquor every week sounds like a lot to me. I agree with Kwantsar, that's about an average of three drinks a day. Nobody needs to drink that much.
posted by number9dream at 10:19 PM on November 27, 2006
posted by number9dream at 10:19 PM on November 27, 2006
While I don't drink every night, and I'm still a college student, 3 drinks doesn't sound excessive. It's easy to drink one with dinner/when you get home, and two more in the 4 hours following before you go to bed. I agree that you should talk with him and see if there isn't some stress you might be able to help out with, but unless there are personality changes or he is really dependent on the booze, I wouldn't worry that much.
posted by cschneid at 10:44 PM on November 27, 2006
posted by cschneid at 10:44 PM on November 27, 2006
Is his drinking causing problems of any kind? Have you noticed any changes? Appetite, sleep, mood, work, relationships, driving... anything? A person has a drinking problem if alcohol is creating or worsening difficulties in his life. If you see negative changes, that's what you should discuss with him, instead of how much alcohol he's consuming -- since he apparently thinks he's not overindulging.
You're not over-reacting; I agree that drinking to relieve stress isn't a solution. Your husband would probably be better off finding other ways to cope, such as exercise. But it sounds like he's not interested in doing that at the moment. He might not become ready to cut down until moderate drinking no longer calms, or until alcohol-related problems emerge.
No-one can prevent anyone else from developing a drinking problem. But you can hold him accountable for his behavior, and you can refuse to make excuses for him when problems arise.
posted by wryly at 12:40 AM on November 28, 2006
You're not over-reacting; I agree that drinking to relieve stress isn't a solution. Your husband would probably be better off finding other ways to cope, such as exercise. But it sounds like he's not interested in doing that at the moment. He might not become ready to cut down until moderate drinking no longer calms, or until alcohol-related problems emerge.
No-one can prevent anyone else from developing a drinking problem. But you can hold him accountable for his behavior, and you can refuse to make excuses for him when problems arise.
posted by wryly at 12:40 AM on November 28, 2006
Am I overreacting to my husband's new drinking habits?
I mean this to be helpful, even if it doesn't seem so: nobody can decide this except you and your husband.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 1:54 AM on November 28, 2006
I mean this to be helpful, even if it doesn't seem so: nobody can decide this except you and your husband.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 1:54 AM on November 28, 2006
None of us know your husband, or you, but having a nice stiff drink (or two) to kickstart the unwinding process after work is something that "normal" people in stressful jobs do all the time, and it doesn't necessarily indicate a developing drinking problem. It may not be the healthiest coping mechanism available, but without much more information it's hard to know whether he's behaving self-destructively.
Going into management is definitely a stressful thing, and the pressures can ratchet up exponentially the higher up the ladder you go.
Suggestion: in addition to keeping Jack Daniels or whatever his preferred tipple is in the house, think of other things that could help your husband (and you) relax and unwind. As many have suggested, just talking with him about the stress he's experiencing could be very helpful to him... or what about taking a long walk before (or after) dinner?
And if you'd like some outside insight into the specific stresses that your husband may be experiencing, order (or borrow from the library) the Harvard Business School Press book, "Becoming a Manager" (ISBN 1-59139-182-2).
The stresses of every management job are different in the details but have common themes, and most new managers (or people who are promoted to new levels of management) report extraordinary levels of stress as they adjust to their new roles.
posted by enrevanche at 1:57 AM on November 28, 2006
Going into management is definitely a stressful thing, and the pressures can ratchet up exponentially the higher up the ladder you go.
Suggestion: in addition to keeping Jack Daniels or whatever his preferred tipple is in the house, think of other things that could help your husband (and you) relax and unwind. As many have suggested, just talking with him about the stress he's experiencing could be very helpful to him... or what about taking a long walk before (or after) dinner?
And if you'd like some outside insight into the specific stresses that your husband may be experiencing, order (or borrow from the library) the Harvard Business School Press book, "Becoming a Manager" (ISBN 1-59139-182-2).
The stresses of every management job are different in the details but have common themes, and most new managers (or people who are promoted to new levels of management) report extraordinary levels of stress as they adjust to their new roles.
posted by enrevanche at 1:57 AM on November 28, 2006
750ml of hard liquor every week sounds like a lot to me. I agree with Kwantsar, that's about an average of three drinks a day. Nobody needs to drink that much.
Depends what part of the world you're in. That might be a lot in an American household, but that can be fairly standard for some in the UK or Europe. And that doesn't count the pint or two after work either. Original poster doesn't say where she is though.
posted by Happy Dave at 2:52 AM on November 28, 2006
Depends what part of the world you're in. That might be a lot in an American household, but that can be fairly standard for some in the UK or Europe. And that doesn't count the pint or two after work either. Original poster doesn't say where she is though.
posted by Happy Dave at 2:52 AM on November 28, 2006
I would talk to him about it, but don't be confrontational about it. DEFINITELY don't accuse him of being an alcoholic. Just tell him that you've noticed he's drinking more, and it's concerning you that he might be having problems at work and if he wants to talk about it, you're there for him.
Depends what part of the world you're in. That might be a lot in an American household, but that can be fairly standard for some in the UK or Europe. And that doesn't count the pint or two after work either. Original poster doesn't say where she is though.
"Fairly standard" doesn't make it healthy. And it especially isn't fairly standard for this particular man, since the OP says that he's drinking more in a month than he did in the last 10 years.
posted by antifuse at 3:42 AM on November 28, 2006
Depends what part of the world you're in. That might be a lot in an American household, but that can be fairly standard for some in the UK or Europe. And that doesn't count the pint or two after work either. Original poster doesn't say where she is though.
"Fairly standard" doesn't make it healthy. And it especially isn't fairly standard for this particular man, since the OP says that he's drinking more in a month than he did in the last 10 years.
posted by antifuse at 3:42 AM on November 28, 2006
For the past several years, I went through almost exactly this amount of alcohol. My reasons were multiple: work-related stress, inability to sleep, sheer force of habit. Over time, that last one become the most problematic.
Some time ago, I gave it up, and I'm happy I did - I now have a drink every few weeks, and I enjoy it when I do, but the rest of the time I enjoy proving to myself that I don't have to.
But the larger point is this: for several years, my wife was concerned about me, and this manifested itself in the form of criticizing me and the habit. This, of course, made me defensive - a male thing, I know, but that's what we do when cornered. I had to decide that I wanted to slow down, and I might have made that decision a lot sooner if I wasn't so aware of her disapproval. (Again, typical male behavior, not proud, but that's just how we're wired.)
In other words, if you'd like to see him drink less, and he's a reasonable, non-addicted human being, fussing about it might be the worst thing to do. Alternatives that would have helped me stop sooner would have been nightly "de-stressing sessions" in whatever form they might have come - a card game, a long talk, a purchase of some really expensive imported loose-leaf teas and a new tea set (I came to the realization, eventually, that I want to drink something in the evening, and I get just as much enjoyment out of tea or coffee as bourbon). Help him replace one ritual with another.
Of course, all of this goes out the window if he has an addiction, but in my utterly uneducated, uncredentialed opinion, it doesn't sound like he does. Sounds like he's another guy taking life too hard, working too hard, and losing track of himself.
posted by jbickers at 3:48 AM on November 28, 2006
Some time ago, I gave it up, and I'm happy I did - I now have a drink every few weeks, and I enjoy it when I do, but the rest of the time I enjoy proving to myself that I don't have to.
But the larger point is this: for several years, my wife was concerned about me, and this manifested itself in the form of criticizing me and the habit. This, of course, made me defensive - a male thing, I know, but that's what we do when cornered. I had to decide that I wanted to slow down, and I might have made that decision a lot sooner if I wasn't so aware of her disapproval. (Again, typical male behavior, not proud, but that's just how we're wired.)
In other words, if you'd like to see him drink less, and he's a reasonable, non-addicted human being, fussing about it might be the worst thing to do. Alternatives that would have helped me stop sooner would have been nightly "de-stressing sessions" in whatever form they might have come - a card game, a long talk, a purchase of some really expensive imported loose-leaf teas and a new tea set (I came to the realization, eventually, that I want to drink something in the evening, and I get just as much enjoyment out of tea or coffee as bourbon). Help him replace one ritual with another.
Of course, all of this goes out the window if he has an addiction, but in my utterly uneducated, uncredentialed opinion, it doesn't sound like he does. Sounds like he's another guy taking life too hard, working too hard, and losing track of himself.
posted by jbickers at 3:48 AM on November 28, 2006
Is he drinking on the weekends too? If he has a vacation from work, does he still drink as much? Others have suggested that he's just unwinding from work, and that may well be true — but if he still has his two or three shots' worth on a night when he doesn't have anything to unwind from, then that suggests that it's no longer just about relaxing.
Still, I second the suggestion that you talk to him, and make it your priority to help him get things (about work, or booze, or whatever) off his chest rather than to make accusations. If he's stressed and overworked, listening will do a lot to relieve that. If he's a budding alcoholic and needs help, listening will still do him a lot of good.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:48 AM on November 28, 2006
Still, I second the suggestion that you talk to him, and make it your priority to help him get things (about work, or booze, or whatever) off his chest rather than to make accusations. If he's stressed and overworked, listening will do a lot to relieve that. If he's a budding alcoholic and needs help, listening will still do him a lot of good.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:48 AM on November 28, 2006
Anytime someone habitually drinks/takes a substance which has addictive qualities, it isn't a good thing. Even with coffee I break the cycle every once in awhile and go without drinking for a week or so. I'd advise that you set up alternative activities for him when he gets home from work so he doesn't get in the "get home, pour a drink, sit on the sofa" routine..
posted by JJ86 at 5:51 AM on November 28, 2006
posted by JJ86 at 5:51 AM on November 28, 2006
Assuming we're talking a 750ml bottle, then your husband is drinking about the equivilant of 15 pints of beer per week -or two per night. This is above the reccomended amount for a man to drink in a week, but not by much. People seem to see spirits as more alcholic than beer...
posted by prentiz at 8:01 AM on November 28, 2006
posted by prentiz at 8:01 AM on November 28, 2006
Are you worried that he will Turn into an Alcoholic, or are you worried about him? If every response you got here said, "no, you're overreacting -- the amount he is drinking is completely fine," would that lay it to rest in your mind? It sounds like you are focusing on the drinking to the exclusion of whatever else is going on in your lives together. As you say, it is only natural that you would, given your own history with alcohol, but I think it is not really the point here. Is he unhappy? Ask him. Is there something you can do for him to help mitigate the stress, maybe with more couple-time, maybe by joining him to workout after work, maybe by (harsh as this sounds, it was my dad's requirement, and it was fine) not talking to him for half-an-hour after he gets home? Ask him. On the other hand, is he doing something (besides drink) that you don't like -- shutting you out, being surly, not doing his part with the kids or household stuff, etc? Tell him.
You could even tell him that something in your life together is stressing you out so much that you find yourself worrying about how much he drinks -- that you know that is not the issue, but you can't put your finger on what is. Probably he knows you are worried about him, and would welcome a chance to clear the air if he didn't have to defend himself.
posted by Methylviolet at 8:21 AM on November 28, 2006
You could even tell him that something in your life together is stressing you out so much that you find yourself worrying about how much he drinks -- that you know that is not the issue, but you can't put your finger on what is. Probably he knows you are worried about him, and would welcome a chance to clear the air if he didn't have to defend himself.
posted by Methylviolet at 8:21 AM on November 28, 2006
My gut feeling is that this change in habit is a concern, even though he isn't drinking all that much. I think the advice about how to handle the issue is right on.
posted by Amizu at 9:18 AM on November 28, 2006
posted by Amizu at 9:18 AM on November 28, 2006
There was a famous quote, "After the White House, there is nothing but drink." I have seen, anecdotally, that when men achieve what they deem as the height of success they no longer are concerned about moving up, for them they are already at the apex of their career. So where he might have not drank at night before because he was rushing to get something done or had an early meeting, he is now simply enjoying himself. Or he could be under a lot of stress. Or perhaps he tried nice booze and realized how to enjoy life's little luxuries. The point being, long-term health effects of such drinking are minimal (as illustrated above). Besides who knows how much family members drink behind closed doors? The uncle you "never saw drunk" could easily have fixed himself a nice little night cap. Your husband, on the other hand, appears not to be.
posted by geoff. at 10:03 AM on November 28, 2006
posted by geoff. at 10:03 AM on November 28, 2006
Random observation: there's a world of difference between a measured 'unit' of alcohol in a bar with optics, and a drink you'd pour out of a bottle in your own house.
OP is seeing the total consumed volume. Hubby's probably just seeing the two drinks at night.
That said, I think it sounds a little high. But then I have a different attitude towards the consumption of spirits versus beer or wine, since my own experience with drunks tells me they always seem to err on the side of the former. Adjust your interpretation of my (and possibly your own) reactions accordingly.
posted by genghis at 7:31 PM on November 28, 2006
OP is seeing the total consumed volume. Hubby's probably just seeing the two drinks at night.
That said, I think it sounds a little high. But then I have a different attitude towards the consumption of spirits versus beer or wine, since my own experience with drunks tells me they always seem to err on the side of the former. Adjust your interpretation of my (and possibly your own) reactions accordingly.
posted by genghis at 7:31 PM on November 28, 2006
This change of behavior, from someone whose had to deal with alcoholics my whole life, is a form of self medication. Talk to him. Now. Start soft and work up to your concerns. The quantity has nothing much to do with it, the fact is that everyone starts somewhere and rarely do they quit unless someone intervenes.
posted by ptm at 12:46 AM on November 29, 2006
posted by ptm at 12:46 AM on November 29, 2006
wow...did I come in here late? I think Methylviolet's comment: "If every response you got here said, "no, you're overreacting -- the amount he is drinking is completely fine," would that lay it to rest in your mind - is really the most sensible comment here. Because we have a broad spectrum of people here at AskMe, you'll get a group that thinks that 2 drinks a day is a problem and you should put a stop to it before he ends up in AA. You'll also get a group that speculates that there must be some reason, such as stress over his promotion or whatever. No one here except you know whether he's drinking because he's stressed, or simply because he's celebrating his promotion.
In terms of what's normal behavior, well, in New Orleans, 3 drinks at night is certainly nothing uncommon, and like you said, he's not getting smashed or out of control or anything.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 9:06 PM on November 29, 2006
In terms of what's normal behavior, well, in New Orleans, 3 drinks at night is certainly nothing uncommon, and like you said, he's not getting smashed or out of control or anything.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 9:06 PM on November 29, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
I am not a doctor, but that feels like its at least one serving too many. On the other hand, I wouldn't call it "excessive." I'd call it just a bit too much.
And, I am not a therapist, but if you've been married for ten years and you're worried about bringing this up, I can't help but wonder if any other issues are present. There's a fine line between concerned partner and nag-- just be careful not to cross it.
posted by Kwantsar at 9:23 PM on November 27, 2006